Life in Pieces (2015) s04e05 Episode Script

Everything looks good.
- Do you want to know the sex? - No, no.
We agreed we didn't want to find out.
It was just so much fun the first time, you know, except for the labor and then having to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together down there.
Yeah, doesn't matter to us a boy, a girl, boy.
All that matters is that the baby is healthy.
Healthy baby.
I mean, a boy would give us one of each, and variety is the spice of life, but no variety that Well, girls like hockey, too.
All right, hoist me up.
I haven't peed in ten minutes, and I may not make it.
- Oh, there she blows.
Okay.
- There you go.
(PRINTER WHIRRING, DOOR CLOSES) And here are the pictures of your sonogram.
Oh, you don't want this one.
That's a full-frontal.
(CHUCKLES) It's the first time I haven't wanted to look at full-frontal.
I am sorry.
That, um That was very inappropriate.
Well, I'm impressed.
Most dads who already have girls want to know.
Well, I'm not most dads.
Yup.
I'm, uh, pretty evolved, Alissa, except for that whole full-frontal joke.
It's very out of character for me, but you just look like the kind of girl I could fool around with.
Oh, my gosh, I've made it worse.
Wow! (SIGHS) (TOILET FLUSHING) Just saw myself in the mirror, so, heads up might cry on the way home, or rage.
It's gonna be a game-time decision.
Well, I appreciate the heads up.
Do you have the parking ticket to get validated? Yeah, I do.
Just got it right here in my pocket.
What are you doing? Oh, uh, n-nothing.
I'm just, um just hiding an erection.
(CHUCKLES) Hi, Alissa.
We can never come back here.
Wow.
Look who ate all her broccoli.
Well, I didn't look.
- Huh? - What? I just said Lark ate all her broccoli.
Oh.
Hey! Well, that is great.
That is really great.
High five.
Yeah! (SCREAMS) God! No, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, damn it! Yeah.
No, you are right to panic.
Nothing gets water out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing? Okay, what is going on with you, dude? Did you get fired? Because I can handle it.
You just need to tell me.
No, I did not get fired.
Okay, good, because we're about to have a baby, and I could not handle that.
So, what is the deal? I stole the sonogram that shows the sex of our kid, and I put it in the pockets of those jeans like a real jerk.
Greg.
You promised.
I know, but I-I did not look at it, okay? I swear.
It's tearing me apart.
Just get rid of it.
Please just throw it away.
I don't ever want to see it again, unless you want to look.
Greg, we agreed we want to be surprised.
I mean, right? Plus, I thought we don't care.
- We don't care.
- No.
We just want a healthy baby.
- Healthy baby.
- Okay, so Thank you.
Thank you.
Wow.
You are so strong, you know.
I-I hope that's a quality our son will have.
Or daughter.
Healthy baby.
Hey, Greg.
I changed my mind.
- Let's look.
- Yes! All right, I'll get it out of the trash.
Honey, I already did.
I taped it back together.
- And also, I want it to be a boy.
- You do? Yeah, I know you're not supposed to say stuff like that, but I can't help it, you know? I just think you would raise such an amazing son, and the world needs good men.
- That is so sweet.
- (SIGHS) Now show me some penis.
Aw, Greg.
Wow.
Will you look at that? (CHUCKLES) You can't tell, either, huh? Uh, no clue.
TIM: It's a boy.
Really? Are you sure? Yeah, I'm a doctor.
See? There's the dong.
- Yes! - (GASPS) Yes, it's a boy.
It's a boy.
We're having a boy.
Congratulations, man.
Oh, thanks.
And, hey, really great that you're having a girl, you know? Have fun at ballet.
(CHUCKLES) Dude, you have a daughter.
Yeah, but now I have a son.
I have one of each.
Perfect family, so eat it.
Okay, just so we're clear, - healthy baby is most important, right? - Oh.
Healthy boy is just like icing on the cake.
- Totally.
- Right.
Uh, where is Alissa? She said you might ask about her.
Do you guys want to know the sex? Uh, sure.
Yeah.
You can tell us.
What the heck? Right, Greg? Yeah, sure.
(CHUCKLES) You know, I'm actually glad that it's you, 'cause I couldn't do that to Alissa.
Okay, well, she looks great.
She? Is this like one of those boat situations where just you call it "she" no matter what? Yeah, because we had an actual doctor tell us it was a boy.
Yeah, look, look.
We have a picture.
See? There's the peen.
What? Oh, what is this? Did you get this wet? Uh, (SCOFFS) no, but water doesn't stain.
Uh, it's a girl.
Do you want another picture? No, no.
We get the gist.
Thanks.
All right.
Well, guys, congratulations again.
I got to run to my son's hockey game.
Can't miss that.
He's my best friend.
(SIGHS) Well, all that matters is that she's healthy.
- Healthy baby girl.
- (LAUGHS) Could've sworn that was peen.
Been really worried since Dad almost died, and I'm not sure what he'll be around for, and what Oh, cool, a froggy! Yeah.
We had to dodge traffic to pick him up before a car could smush him.
Yeah, I ran into the street thinking that he was a dollar.
(GASPS) That's so sweet.
This frog needed help, and you're giving it the love and care it needs.
I'll keep him in the toilet.
No! We have to put him somewhere that feels like its home.
Or we can just take turns holding him.
Or her.
(FROG CROAKS QUIETLY) There are no answers here.
Uh-uh.
- (FROG CROAKS QUIETLY) - ALL: Aw.
(GIGGLES) I knew my fish died for a reason.
Yeah, because you forgot to feed it.
Well, I won't make that mistake a third time.
Okay, well, it looks like he's a yellow-brown coqui.
- Aw.
- He's so sweet.
I feel like he's my baby.
This must be what it's like to be a mother.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, we have to kill it.
- What? - 'Scuse me? It says right here on the Fish and Wildlife website.
"The yellow-brown coqui is an invasive species capable of destroying the California ecosystem.
If you come into contact with one, exterminate it.
" - What? - What? We have to kill Michael? You named the frog after we found out we had to kill it? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We are not killing Michael.
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
- We'll just keep him as a pet.
Nobody has to know.
No.
It says that it's illegal to keep him as a pet because he might escape.
That's crazy.
How can he escape? He's just a Where did he go? Guys, nobody move.
This would be such a cute picture.
What? Ready? One, two, three.
- Where's Michael? - (CAMERA CLICKS) What you doing? I'm looking for Michael.
Oh, honey, I told you.
Michael was allergic to bees.
He's not coming back.
He's not in the car.
Car? Sam, I feel like you're not even looking.
Because I don't want to kill him.
I got him! (GASPS) He was halfway down the garbage disposal.
He could've died, you guys.
Then why did you save him? Because I forgot what we were doing.
None of us want to kill him, but it's either him or the environment.
So the question is: which one of us is gonna do it? Yeah, we're not doing that.
Yeah, it's your pet; it's your responsibility to kill it.
Just call animal control.
They'll take care of it.
We did.
They said they were too busy to come take care of one frog.
The guy was screaming about some sort of zoo escape.
Yeah, I told you I saw a jaguar, Joanie.
I think frogs die if you take off their legs.
GREG: I don't envy you kids.
You know, I had to kill a baby possum once.
Yeah.
Drowned it in a bucket.
Oh, dear! Why would you do that? I had to.
Was it injured? No, no, but it was a possum.
Guys, I had to.
You had to? (SLOWLY): Yes.
Well, I guess we'll do it ourselves, then.
Hi! Hey, you want to go play with your cousins? What are you guys up to? We're gonna kill this cute little froggy right now.
- You want to come? - You know what? How 'bout, uh, we have a little extra screen time today? Huh? (EXHALING SHARPLY) Okay.
W Are we sure this is a good idea? Yes.
We all drop our bricks at the same time.
That way, nobody knows who's killing the frog.
It's like a firing squad.
Especially for you, Tyler.
Oh, come on! Okay, so nobody knows who has the frog bag, right? Nope.
But I know who doesn't have it: me, Sam and Clem.
Sophia! Okay, so now nobody knows, right? Okay.
Three two - No, wait.
- (GROANS) Can we just say something nice about Michael first? It's not his fault he's invasive.
He's laying his life down to help the Earth.
So, thank you, Michael.
That was so sweet.
SOPHIA: Yeah.
Oh, make sure you throw your bricks down really hard.
You got to smash the brain.
- (SIGHS) - Good note.
- Mm-hmm.
- Here we go.
Three, two, one.
(ALL GASP) At least it's over.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I'm really proud of us.
Okay.
Full disclosure: I lost the frog when I was changing the bags.
- What? - What? Do you think he's gonna be okay out there? Yes! That's the problem! He's going to thrive! SPORTS COMMENTATOR: And to think that, in the first round, this team was on the verge of elimination, and now in the finals, they are seconds away from a historic You know, my heart attack made me realize just how lucky I am - to have you.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You keep telling me that.
I could never rub you enough.
No, you could.
You could, Tim.
You-you have.
Down low to Morehead in the post.
He goes up with it, and the shot is - Hey! Whoa! - (ALL SHOUTING) Beloved family, a toast.
(ALL GROANING) Yes, time is fleeting.
- Yes! - Oh! There's ten seconds left on the clock, Tim.
And that's what it felt like for me with my own clock.
(QUIETLY): Oh, my God.
You know, when I look at my children and I stare into your eyes, it's like I see my own seed staring back at me.
- Oh, gross, Dad.
- (GROANS) Especially you, Tyler.
Please, not another kiss.
Mwah! On the lips.
How could I forget the rest of my support system, my rocks? Make out with him so we can get back to the game.
Make out with him.
And, of course, my own personal hero, John.
I wouldn't be here without you saving my life.
Come to me.
No.
No.
Anybody needs me, I'll be in the garage working on my Adirondack chair.
Ah! A throne for my king! (CHUCKLES) This is one of those games where you'll remember where you were when you watched it.
(ALL GROANING) Oh, come on! This incredible family.
The adventure continues.
- Oh! Heather! - Oh! What are you doing? I'm hiding from Tim.
I just want five minutes without him rubbing my back.
Oh, honey.
You know, it's common, after a near-death experience, to be more affectionate to loved ones.
But in this case, it's just plain annoying.
God, if he tells me one more time to dance like no one's watching, I'm gonna kill him and ask everyone to watch.
- TIM: Heather! - Oh, damn it.
TIM: Heather! - Ah, there you are.
- (GROANS) - Hi.
- Oh.
You almost lost me once.
- I don't want you to lose me again.
- Yeah.
No, no, no.
Me neither.
(CHUCKLES) We're out of tea! Could you get me some tea? From your house? For you, anything, Joan.
No, it's just a small request, so you don't need to kiss me on the - Mwah! - Oh.
- Well, you got what you wanted.
- Oh.
Now I'm gonna go get you what you want.
'Cause I love you.
- And I love you.
- I-I Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you poor thing.
Just leave him.
JOHN: Joanie, get out here.
I need another pair of hands.
Mm, the damn chair.
Heather send Tim.
If anybody can crush his sunny mood, it's John cursing out a piece of plywood and bitching about the price of gas.
$4.
15 for regular? When I was a boy, it was just a quarter.
(CHUCKLES) What a life.
Ken Burns could do eight parts on you.
Where'd Joanie go? Oh, she asked me to take over, and I cherish the opportunity to create with you.
It's just a chair.
Well, you lend a man a chair, he sits but a day.
But you build a man a chair, he sits for a lifetime.
Uh-huh, like you on the can at Thanksgiving? (LAUGHS): That's beautiful, John.
You know, ever since my episode Don't call it your episode.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
You were just as scared as I was.
Ever since our episode So you could have died; who cares? Why don't you put on your big-boy pants and quit French-kissing your kids, huh? Now hold this.
All right, I'll hold it.
But I'm gonna pretend I'm holding you.
May I hold you? No! - You know - (ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING LOUDLY) This time with you is the most (ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING LOUDLY) precious gift that a son-in law could ever have! Why didn't I let you just die? Here, you take over.
I need a drink.
- Ah, may your cup runneth over.
- Mm.
Got to if I'm gonna deal with you.
(ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING LOUDLY) - (YELLS) - (BLADE THUMPS) (CAMERA CLICKS) I made you, Matt.
And you made me.
Damn it.
It's blurry.
Dad, can you go again? Mom?! Thanks to Tim for his words of wisdom and and the loose bolt that, uh, came off my Cuban circular saw.
I feel so lucky to have you all.
I can still post this.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
Okay.
JOHN: My firstborn.
- The mold.
- Mm, thank you, Dad.
No one's ever called me "mold" before.
Mm.
- For both of us.
Our North Star.
- Oh.
HEATHER: Hi, Mom.
Look.
This is so much better.
Thank you.
MATT: Ever since Morgan went to visit her family, she hasn't returned any of our calls, and we're worried that's kind of weird.
Or is that fine? 'Cause we're totally fine.
I'm gonna have one of these, if that's okay.
Thank you so much.
We're concerned, but we're totally calm.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Can't you just eat that in one bite, Matt? I like to savor them, Colleen.
Yeah, it's okay to be stressed.
Well, if I was stressed, I'd be laughing uncomfortably.
(FORCED LAUGH) This is totally common.
You know, a lot of birth mothers have these moments where they go radio silent, you know, maybe even have a few doubts.
But then they come around.
(MATT SIGHS, SHERRI CHUCKLES) Either that, or she's dead in a ditch somewhere, right? (FORCED LAUGH) You know what? Uh, let me try and get in touch with Morgan.
Just sit tight.
(WHISPERS): Sit tight.
I'm actually really proud of how calm we're being, you know? There are no red ones in here.
Why are there no red ones in here? Excuse me! There are no red ones in here! Why don't you just eat an orange one and a yellow one together? (SIGHS) Oh.
Hi there.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you eat all the red ones? I wish, dude.
(OPENS DRAWER) (WHISPERS): Don't tell.
I didn't see anything.
Lucas, out.
Go play.
I'm really sorry.
- Oh, no.
He's so sweet.
- Oh, no, he's such a sweet dude.
No.
(OPENS DRAWER) I'm sorry.
(SIGHS) No.
- No.
- You might - No! - Just We don't want the tissues, Sherri! What did Morgan say? She decided to keep the baby.
See, sorry, I'm sorry, it's just that you told us that there was nothing to worry about and that this was common, so I know.
I'm sorry.
Adoption takes time.
There-there are gonna be some steps backwards.
But it's all been backward steps.
How long does it take to get a baby? It's been nine months! It will work out.
Why would you say that? You don't know.
Do you know? I'm very sorry.
(KIDS CHATTERING PLAYFULLY NEARBY) - I'm so sorry.
- I know.
Why are you crying? Did you fall down? (CHUCKLES) No, I'm just a little sad.
Do you have to take a bath tonight, too? (CHUCKLES) No.
We were just trying to adopt a little baby, and I don't think it's gonna work out.
We're okay, though.
Thank you.
Here.
This will make you feel better.
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) It took me five years, but I'm meeting my new family tomorrow.
- (GASPS) - You'll find your family soon.
(WHISPERS): Okay.
Are you guys okay? You know, I think I think we will be.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I mean, if Lucas can wait five years to get adopted, - then we can hang in there, right? - Yeah? Oh.
No, Lucas isn't getting adopted.
Wait, he said he was meeting his new family tomorrow.
Oh, no.
No, he's being placed in a foster home.
You know, sometimes the children get a bit confused.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Well, when you're ready, come on in and we'll start your search for a new birth mother.
Is this crazy? It doesn't feel crazy.
It feels like maybe it's meant to be.
He was savoring it.
Come on.