Mad About You s04e05 Episode Script
I Don't See It
[Dance music plays.]
I have a question for you.
Isn't that the greatest song? I'm going through the checkbook it's impossible to not twist to this song.
On the 18th, you wrote a check to a & g plumbing how can you not be twisting? Listen to me.
Twist with me.
I don't want to twist.
Twist with me, you big baby.
Do you happen to remember the amount? Twist with me, i'll tell you.
I'm not telling you till you twist.
Now, what did you want to know? On the 18th yes.
You wrote a check to a & g plumbing.
Do you remember the amount? Thank you very much.
Was it that hard? * tell me why * * i love you like i do * * tell me who * * can stop my heart as much as you * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into * * the final frontier * * i'm mad about you, baby * * yeah ** Hi.
I'm burt lancaster.
Very good.
What are you doing out there? Nothing.
[Imitating elvis presley.]
i'm literally nothing but a hound dog.
Very good, boy.
Murray, show daddy free willy.
You're just a talented dog.
Wow.
What? I can't believe i get to live with you The rest of my life.
You like it? Very much.
This is for the interview? Mm-Hmm.
Lisa got it for me.
Can i say your sister's become Quite the haberdasher.
Say it.
It's a fun word.
Saved me 300 bucks.
She saved.
You don't want to know.
If you get this job, Are you actually going to take it? Why wouldn't i? Just seems like working for the mayor Would be so much pressure.
It is.
It's hard.
What's the matter with you? Nothing.
Today you actually meet with the mayor? I meet with the director of public relations.
That's that guy lance lance brockwell.
Why does that sound familiar? Because i told you about this yesterday.
No, i know that name from somewhere.
From where? Well, i narrowed it down.
Either camp or high school Or college or maybe work, Or i might have met him at some party somewhere.
Sure you're not thinking of lenny baron? Who's lenny baron? Lenny baron.
Lenny.
Baron.
No! How could i confuse him with lance brockwell? Lenny is short.
He's built like a vault.
So what about the lance you're talking about? He's like 6'4", 6'5".
You do know him.
I know his height.
Wish me luck.
I wish you whatever is best.
What does that mean? If it's meant to be, i wish it on you.
If it's not, then i don't.
Are you wishing me luck or not? There's nothing you can say or do That would make lance brockwell not hire you.
Thank you.
Ask if he knows who i think he is.
I'll do that right away.
Lance brockwell.
Think.
Show me where i'm signing.
Here, here, and here.
Then i absolutely got to get back to work.
I appreciate you coming down.
You got all three? I got 'em.
O.
K.
Pretty exciting being a silent partner, huh? Shh.
I can't tell you.
So this doesn't mean you're actually buying the thing, right? No, this is so i can bid on the place.
Wait till you see this store in the middle of a mall.
Remember moretti's? On long island? Yeah.
No.
Moretti's.
I don't know it.
In seaford.
On long island? Yeah.
You take the grand central parkway To northern state to wantagh To where it crosses hempstead.
On long island.
I understand long island.
Pauly, moretti's.
I'm saying i'm not familiar with moretti's.
O.
K.
Trust me, It's the perfect location for a new store.
Tons of pedestrian traffic.
I don't know why you need another store.
It's time.
Your father made his mark here in the city.
I'm taking us to the island.
Make my mark.
Well, good for you.
No, good for us.
Good for america.
Thanks again for coming down.
You bet.
Say hi to james.
I will.
Hey, you would know.
Lance brockwell, who's that? He played for san diego in the sixties.
Remember that whole thing With the young girl? No.
This is somebody we know.
Jamie's got an interview with him.
We know him from somewhere.
Lance brokwell.
Lance brockwell.
I know who he is.
He's the guy we bought the stereo from When you were living with me.
Aaron? Yeah.
Bender? Yeah.
Aaron bender is lance brockwell? Oh.
Then i don't know.
That's all you had to say.
O.
K.
, what do you got? Wife and two kids.
What have you got? Harvard cum laude, eh? Met fan and his wife does not go with him When he picks out his shoes.
I have on the world's most uncomfortable bra.
Tell me about it.
My stockings are I feel like a marionette.
What are you doing? What do you think? What if he walks in? He's not gonna walk tell teddy i'll be there in 10 minutes, o.
K.
? Then call cardinal o'connor, please, And see if he can do hung fat's at 7:30.
Then call hung fat's And tell them we don't want to sit outside Under a string of dead chickens.
Where's the bra? I don't know.
Ladies, hi.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm lance brockwell.
Jamie buchman.
Fran devenow.
Hi.
I'm very happy to meet you.
I'm thrilled with your idea to do a book On public rest rooms in new york.
What a title, huh? Going public.
[Chuckles.]
It's brilliant.
Thanks.
I'm going to the opera next week.
Can't wait to pee there.
Oh.
Well, you won't be disappointed.
The new york times needs a quote On the lincoln tunnel tolls.
Tell them 4 bucks is a small price to pay to leave jersey.
Is it always this busy? Let me put it this way i'm really 13 years old.
Teddy has to go.
I'll call him in his car.
He's taking the subway.
What, is he crazy? Tell him to call me if he makes it home.
Are you cold? A little bit.
Here, sit down.
[Beeping.]
Yeah, go ahead.
The mayor's nephew got picked up For driving without a license.
He's 9.
What do you want to do? Get him on letterman.
I love it.
You've gotten the mayor some terrific publicity, And we all know he needs it.
I don't know if he needs it.
He needs it.
That's why we're considering bringing you on full-Time.
With a campaign coming up, We need all the good publicity we can get.
You're talking press releases, speeches? Private appearances, special events anything you can think of to improve his image.
You might consider the haircut? Forget it.
There's just no talking to him.
So, interested? Yes.
We're definitely interested.
We'd like to think about it.
We would? And now we have.
Buchman and devenow, welcome to city hall.
Thank you.
Uh, a pleasure to be here.
Help me out.
Buchman, how do i know this name? Maybe you know my husband, paul buchman.
Paul buchman.
Paul buchman, the astronaut? Hahreally not.
Ugly hmph, ugly! Oh, this is nice, But that doesn't fit you anymore.
All right.
Take it.
Thank you.
I'll make napkins out of that.
This guy swears to me he was on the titanic, But it just sounds fishy.
This? I still wear that.
Why is it fishy? He seems so happy about it.
You're working in the mayor's office.
You're not going to wear this.
I wear it plenty.
Leave it.
How about my wife.
Pretty impressive, huh? Yeah.
"Hi, i work in the mayor's office, And i'm a trashy sweater.
" All right.
Take it.
Thank you! I haven't told you, he thinks he knows you.
Who's that? Lance brockwell.
I told you! Does he know from where? No.
Wasn't he the guy Who gave murray that parvo shot? Was he ever a veterinarian? I doubt it.
I know him from somewhere.
Where? What'd he used to do? He was a lawyer, worked for the city.
This would go with that skirt.
Yeah, right.
What'd he do for the city? He worked in licenses and permits.
That's it! What? Do you know who he is? Who? He's lance brockwell.
No! Yes! He's the weasel that wouldn't give me the permit To film the coyotes at morningside park.
That was him? Yes! Oh! I like coyotes.
They're like really wild dogs, only sweet.
Coyotes aren't sweet.
They eat garbage.
They don't know it's garbage.
What a weasel he was.
He's not a bad guy.
Oh, he was so nasty! You don't want to work for him.
Yes, i do.
I love it there.
It's insane.
Absolutely insane.
You love that? And i love that.
Please trust me.
Lance brockwell, he's a bad man.
Ooh! Is he single? Once he learns we're married, You'd be out tout de suite.
Because of you and this coyote movie.
Yes, better believe it.
Good thing you're not the least bit self-Absorbed.
He won't remember you, And if he does, it'll be fine.
I wrote him a nasty, vicious letter.
He got in trouble, he was reprimanded.
He wrote me back a letter.
It got ugly.
I got pretty rough with the guy.
And now he's an emotional cripple.
Is he single? You see that window? Yes.
That was my room.
How do you know? I distinctly remember leaving the light on.
I did.
All right.
I'm sure you did.
I remember it as if it was yesterday.
After dinner, i went out onto the deck to play.
Remember, i was only 6 years old.
Right.
Right.
I glanced over the starboard rail, then i saw it.
The iceberg.
Yes! An enormous hill of ice coming right at me.
I cried out, but nobody listened.
Then all of a sudden, zim, boom, crash! And before i knew it, I was somewhere in nova scotia eating kippers and chocolates.
It'sit's a great story.
And every word of it is true.
I don't doubt it.
I'm curious.
Why is it your family's name Is not listed on the ship's manifest? The manifest is wrong! These people couldn't even turn left at an iceberg.
How do you expect them to keep a manifest? You make a strong argument there.
[Door opens.]
Hey, pauly.
Hey.
Sorry.
You busy? Just earning a living.
What's up? Guess what.
Tell me.
We did not get the store.
Somebody outbid us.
Who? Towel city.
Like people are really that wet.
Well, i'm sorry to hear that.
It wasn't a total loss.
I got you guys some towels.
You should see their selection.
That's nice of you.
Thanks.
Meanwhile, you guess what.
Tell me.
Lance brockwell, the guy we couldn't remember.
Yeah.
He's the guy from the city that ruined my coyote movie.
What, the weasel? Yeah.
Jamie's working with him? Look! There it is! What? The iceberg! You're the titanic guy.
Look how you pieced that together.
So you were actually on the titanic.
What was it like? I remember it as if it was yesterday.
We were dining on the lido deck.
We were eating kippers and chocolate.
This is on the boat now? Yes.
How old were you? I was 6 years old.
Wait a minute i was 12 years old.
I made a cry, but nobody heard.
You told me you were 6.
I was 6 years old.
And all of a sudden, zim, boom, crash! And before you knew it nova scotia.
Nova scotia where they fed us on kippers and chocolate.
All right, let me just say it, And i hope i'm wrong.
You're making this up, right? No, i am not! Who cares? It's riveting.
It's a documentary.
It's a movie.
Document.
It helps if some of it's true.
Well, my friend, i for one believe you.
Yours is a fascinating story.
Well, thank you.
Would you like a soda? Yes, that would be lovely.
Here's my problem.
If you don't believe me, Why don't you go down and check At the bureau of archives.
Where is that? City hall.
City hall? Yes.
Ice? Where? Aah, aah.
You have to choose Between the dominican day parade And the cuban day parade.
Both want sunday the 24th.
Call it.
Tails.
Cubans.
And there's a paul buchman outside who wants a moment.
Oh, send him in.
Let me guess.
Lance brockwell.
Paul buchman.
Jamie's husband.
That's right.
Hi.
Hi.
Paul, where do i know you from? I think you know where you know me from.
Umhasty pudding club? No.
Four-H? No, sir.
Eagle scouts? Not really.
Then i'm at a loss.
Well, let me say three words to you.
Moviepermit.
.
Coyotes.
You're the coyote guy.
C'est moi.
The guy who made that film.
No.
I wanted to make that film, But couldn't make that film.
Because i didn't let you make that film.
Then you wrote me that letter.
Yes, which is why i want to talk to you.
I love that letter! What? I had it laminated.
You called me, what the heck was it? That was so long ago.
Who remembers? "Weasel incompetent weasel.
" That takes the edge off of weasel.
"Pencil-Pushing pinhead.
" Perhaps i did.
Then the way you signed it "kiss my ass, paul buchman.
" It was supposed to be "yours truly.
" I slipped.
Where the heck is that? I can't believe you have that letter.
Oh, you don't throw out your first piece of hate mail.
You know what, i deserved it.
I was on the job two weeks.
I was doing everything by the book.
I was a weasel.
I wouldn't say that.
In any event, i apologize about the permit.
So you won't hold this against my wife? Paul, you see this phone? It's been ringing since 1954.
I got calls koch hasn't answered, So i got no time to bear a grudge.
Well, that's really generous of you.
I'm sorry if i came here with the wrong idea.
I'd do the same for my wife.
Oh, married? Oh, yeah.
See? Two kids.
Beautiful kids.
Jamie and i just started trying.
Really? So she could get pregnant at any time? Well, we're hoping, you know.
Like two months after she got this job? I don't think she would do that.
But you're trying.
Not hard.
What could've happened? Fran, it wasn't the bra.
we had this job.
Now, all of a sudden, they have to think about it.
Why do they have to think about it? Yeah.
You look really nice.
People just don't change their mind for no reason.
You smell really good, too.
Well, whatever happened, we have to find out.
May i say you have wonderful teeth? I'll call you back.
What did you do? Sit down uh, 'cause you're going to laugh.
Not immediately, but within 16 years, You're going to laugh at this.
Guess who i ran into today.
Who? Lance brockwell.
You ran into him? Where? In his office.
Oh, god.
I was working on this titanic thing.
Not only was he on the ship, He beat john jacob astor at shuffleboard.
He was 6 years old.
Can you imagine o.
K.
O.
K.
O.
K.
I didn't want you to get hurt, So i went to just bury the hatchet.
And as a result, they have to think about it.
What did you say? You know, it could've been nah.
What? I happened to mention That we're trying to get pregnant.
What? I didn't mean to.
Why didn't you tell him i'm a crack addict? I would've had a better chance.
That would not be true.
Fran, i know what happened.
They know i'm trying to get pregnant.
Don't tell fran, please.
Paul.
He went down there.
No.
I'm not going to divorce him.
She's taking this well.
Yes.
Yes, you may.
Here you go.
Oh, good.
Hi, fran, how are you? This is how we make our living, understand? What were you thinking? Does the expression "none of your business" mean anything to you? Very common expression.
Can you imagine your anger If i told the explorer channel That you hate birds? You're both giving the exact same example.
All right, fran.
Give me five minutes.
I'll meet you there, And in the most dignified manner, we'll grovel.
I'll see you there.
Baby, i am so sorry.
I should not have gone down there.
No kidding.
I should not have said anything to him.
I'm just i'm sorry.
You just may have cost me the best job i'll ever have.
Can i ask you out of curiosity? What was your plan? What plan? If you got this job and you're great at it, Which you're gonna be, And then you got pregnant, Were you going to quit? I don't know.
What do you mean? Two weeks ago, having a baby Was the most important thing in the world.
And now, not so much.
What do you mean? Either we are on this baby bandwagon, or we're not.
Of course we're on it.
O.
K.
'Cause i don't see the enthusiasm.
Where's the baby enthusiasm? What do you mean what happened to the enthusiasm? You're talking about a full-Time job, And this is not just any job.
This is a highfalutin, On-Call, 24-Hour day, holidays and weekends, with the mayor, kind of a job.
Doesn't sound exactly conducive to babyness.
Oh, i see.
So you get a highfalutin job, It's great news, happy day.
I get a highfalutin job, It's, oh, no, it might interfere with our baby plans? Uh, yeah.
Yeah? I'm, you know, um, i'm checking, but yeah.
I can't believe you're telling me I have to make the bigger sacrifice.
I, w-Well, wouldn't you? Why, because i'm the mommy? Yes.
Oh, i'm the mommy? Yes.
Oh, my god.
What? I'm the mommy.
Sit down.
Seriously, i'm the mommy.
I know.
I know it's not fair.
It's so not fair.
I wish it were even.
I really do.
I know you do.
Listen, if i could have the kid don't start.
You'd have one cramp and kill yourself.
Could we not make this a whole guy-Girl thing? If michael jordan got pregnant, They'd kick him off the bulls? No, but, you know, you have to admit, In his third trimester, his defense might suffer.
You know what? I can do this.
I can be a mommy and a bureaucrat.
I can have morning sickness on the subway.
It's not like no one ever threw up on the "f" train before.
Certainly true.
I can handle that big crazy office.
If i need to take a nap, I'll just unplug the phone, the fax machine, The email, the a.
P.
Ticker and take a nap.
I'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
What am i going to do? [Telephone rings.]
Well, one you don't have to take the job.
Hello.
Hi, fran.
Really? Or you could take the job.
Really? Yay us! Not you.
O.
K.
I'll call you later.
He knows he was bad.
Yay you.
They're going to be pissed If i get pregnant and quit.
You don't have to quit, Because you're going to have the best husband A pregnant woman ever had.
Shopping, laundry, everything.
Whatever you want.
I'll even get fat with you.
You're going to wake up with me for 3 a.
M.
Feedings? To tell you the truth, I'm very rarely hungry at that hour.
I'll eat something light.
No.
Show me.
Wow! All right.
Wait a second.
Ready?
I have a question for you.
Isn't that the greatest song? I'm going through the checkbook it's impossible to not twist to this song.
On the 18th, you wrote a check to a & g plumbing how can you not be twisting? Listen to me.
Twist with me.
I don't want to twist.
Twist with me, you big baby.
Do you happen to remember the amount? Twist with me, i'll tell you.
I'm not telling you till you twist.
Now, what did you want to know? On the 18th yes.
You wrote a check to a & g plumbing.
Do you remember the amount? Thank you very much.
Was it that hard? * tell me why * * i love you like i do * * tell me who * * can stop my heart as much as you * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into * * the final frontier * * i'm mad about you, baby * * yeah ** Hi.
I'm burt lancaster.
Very good.
What are you doing out there? Nothing.
[Imitating elvis presley.]
i'm literally nothing but a hound dog.
Very good, boy.
Murray, show daddy free willy.
You're just a talented dog.
Wow.
What? I can't believe i get to live with you The rest of my life.
You like it? Very much.
This is for the interview? Mm-Hmm.
Lisa got it for me.
Can i say your sister's become Quite the haberdasher.
Say it.
It's a fun word.
Saved me 300 bucks.
She saved.
You don't want to know.
If you get this job, Are you actually going to take it? Why wouldn't i? Just seems like working for the mayor Would be so much pressure.
It is.
It's hard.
What's the matter with you? Nothing.
Today you actually meet with the mayor? I meet with the director of public relations.
That's that guy lance lance brockwell.
Why does that sound familiar? Because i told you about this yesterday.
No, i know that name from somewhere.
From where? Well, i narrowed it down.
Either camp or high school Or college or maybe work, Or i might have met him at some party somewhere.
Sure you're not thinking of lenny baron? Who's lenny baron? Lenny baron.
Lenny.
Baron.
No! How could i confuse him with lance brockwell? Lenny is short.
He's built like a vault.
So what about the lance you're talking about? He's like 6'4", 6'5".
You do know him.
I know his height.
Wish me luck.
I wish you whatever is best.
What does that mean? If it's meant to be, i wish it on you.
If it's not, then i don't.
Are you wishing me luck or not? There's nothing you can say or do That would make lance brockwell not hire you.
Thank you.
Ask if he knows who i think he is.
I'll do that right away.
Lance brockwell.
Think.
Show me where i'm signing.
Here, here, and here.
Then i absolutely got to get back to work.
I appreciate you coming down.
You got all three? I got 'em.
O.
K.
Pretty exciting being a silent partner, huh? Shh.
I can't tell you.
So this doesn't mean you're actually buying the thing, right? No, this is so i can bid on the place.
Wait till you see this store in the middle of a mall.
Remember moretti's? On long island? Yeah.
No.
Moretti's.
I don't know it.
In seaford.
On long island? Yeah.
You take the grand central parkway To northern state to wantagh To where it crosses hempstead.
On long island.
I understand long island.
Pauly, moretti's.
I'm saying i'm not familiar with moretti's.
O.
K.
Trust me, It's the perfect location for a new store.
Tons of pedestrian traffic.
I don't know why you need another store.
It's time.
Your father made his mark here in the city.
I'm taking us to the island.
Make my mark.
Well, good for you.
No, good for us.
Good for america.
Thanks again for coming down.
You bet.
Say hi to james.
I will.
Hey, you would know.
Lance brockwell, who's that? He played for san diego in the sixties.
Remember that whole thing With the young girl? No.
This is somebody we know.
Jamie's got an interview with him.
We know him from somewhere.
Lance brokwell.
Lance brockwell.
I know who he is.
He's the guy we bought the stereo from When you were living with me.
Aaron? Yeah.
Bender? Yeah.
Aaron bender is lance brockwell? Oh.
Then i don't know.
That's all you had to say.
O.
K.
, what do you got? Wife and two kids.
What have you got? Harvard cum laude, eh? Met fan and his wife does not go with him When he picks out his shoes.
I have on the world's most uncomfortable bra.
Tell me about it.
My stockings are I feel like a marionette.
What are you doing? What do you think? What if he walks in? He's not gonna walk tell teddy i'll be there in 10 minutes, o.
K.
? Then call cardinal o'connor, please, And see if he can do hung fat's at 7:30.
Then call hung fat's And tell them we don't want to sit outside Under a string of dead chickens.
Where's the bra? I don't know.
Ladies, hi.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm lance brockwell.
Jamie buchman.
Fran devenow.
Hi.
I'm very happy to meet you.
I'm thrilled with your idea to do a book On public rest rooms in new york.
What a title, huh? Going public.
[Chuckles.]
It's brilliant.
Thanks.
I'm going to the opera next week.
Can't wait to pee there.
Oh.
Well, you won't be disappointed.
The new york times needs a quote On the lincoln tunnel tolls.
Tell them 4 bucks is a small price to pay to leave jersey.
Is it always this busy? Let me put it this way i'm really 13 years old.
Teddy has to go.
I'll call him in his car.
He's taking the subway.
What, is he crazy? Tell him to call me if he makes it home.
Are you cold? A little bit.
Here, sit down.
[Beeping.]
Yeah, go ahead.
The mayor's nephew got picked up For driving without a license.
He's 9.
What do you want to do? Get him on letterman.
I love it.
You've gotten the mayor some terrific publicity, And we all know he needs it.
I don't know if he needs it.
He needs it.
That's why we're considering bringing you on full-Time.
With a campaign coming up, We need all the good publicity we can get.
You're talking press releases, speeches? Private appearances, special events anything you can think of to improve his image.
You might consider the haircut? Forget it.
There's just no talking to him.
So, interested? Yes.
We're definitely interested.
We'd like to think about it.
We would? And now we have.
Buchman and devenow, welcome to city hall.
Thank you.
Uh, a pleasure to be here.
Help me out.
Buchman, how do i know this name? Maybe you know my husband, paul buchman.
Paul buchman.
Paul buchman, the astronaut? Hahreally not.
Ugly hmph, ugly! Oh, this is nice, But that doesn't fit you anymore.
All right.
Take it.
Thank you.
I'll make napkins out of that.
This guy swears to me he was on the titanic, But it just sounds fishy.
This? I still wear that.
Why is it fishy? He seems so happy about it.
You're working in the mayor's office.
You're not going to wear this.
I wear it plenty.
Leave it.
How about my wife.
Pretty impressive, huh? Yeah.
"Hi, i work in the mayor's office, And i'm a trashy sweater.
" All right.
Take it.
Thank you! I haven't told you, he thinks he knows you.
Who's that? Lance brockwell.
I told you! Does he know from where? No.
Wasn't he the guy Who gave murray that parvo shot? Was he ever a veterinarian? I doubt it.
I know him from somewhere.
Where? What'd he used to do? He was a lawyer, worked for the city.
This would go with that skirt.
Yeah, right.
What'd he do for the city? He worked in licenses and permits.
That's it! What? Do you know who he is? Who? He's lance brockwell.
No! Yes! He's the weasel that wouldn't give me the permit To film the coyotes at morningside park.
That was him? Yes! Oh! I like coyotes.
They're like really wild dogs, only sweet.
Coyotes aren't sweet.
They eat garbage.
They don't know it's garbage.
What a weasel he was.
He's not a bad guy.
Oh, he was so nasty! You don't want to work for him.
Yes, i do.
I love it there.
It's insane.
Absolutely insane.
You love that? And i love that.
Please trust me.
Lance brockwell, he's a bad man.
Ooh! Is he single? Once he learns we're married, You'd be out tout de suite.
Because of you and this coyote movie.
Yes, better believe it.
Good thing you're not the least bit self-Absorbed.
He won't remember you, And if he does, it'll be fine.
I wrote him a nasty, vicious letter.
He got in trouble, he was reprimanded.
He wrote me back a letter.
It got ugly.
I got pretty rough with the guy.
And now he's an emotional cripple.
Is he single? You see that window? Yes.
That was my room.
How do you know? I distinctly remember leaving the light on.
I did.
All right.
I'm sure you did.
I remember it as if it was yesterday.
After dinner, i went out onto the deck to play.
Remember, i was only 6 years old.
Right.
Right.
I glanced over the starboard rail, then i saw it.
The iceberg.
Yes! An enormous hill of ice coming right at me.
I cried out, but nobody listened.
Then all of a sudden, zim, boom, crash! And before i knew it, I was somewhere in nova scotia eating kippers and chocolates.
It'sit's a great story.
And every word of it is true.
I don't doubt it.
I'm curious.
Why is it your family's name Is not listed on the ship's manifest? The manifest is wrong! These people couldn't even turn left at an iceberg.
How do you expect them to keep a manifest? You make a strong argument there.
[Door opens.]
Hey, pauly.
Hey.
Sorry.
You busy? Just earning a living.
What's up? Guess what.
Tell me.
We did not get the store.
Somebody outbid us.
Who? Towel city.
Like people are really that wet.
Well, i'm sorry to hear that.
It wasn't a total loss.
I got you guys some towels.
You should see their selection.
That's nice of you.
Thanks.
Meanwhile, you guess what.
Tell me.
Lance brockwell, the guy we couldn't remember.
Yeah.
He's the guy from the city that ruined my coyote movie.
What, the weasel? Yeah.
Jamie's working with him? Look! There it is! What? The iceberg! You're the titanic guy.
Look how you pieced that together.
So you were actually on the titanic.
What was it like? I remember it as if it was yesterday.
We were dining on the lido deck.
We were eating kippers and chocolate.
This is on the boat now? Yes.
How old were you? I was 6 years old.
Wait a minute i was 12 years old.
I made a cry, but nobody heard.
You told me you were 6.
I was 6 years old.
And all of a sudden, zim, boom, crash! And before you knew it nova scotia.
Nova scotia where they fed us on kippers and chocolate.
All right, let me just say it, And i hope i'm wrong.
You're making this up, right? No, i am not! Who cares? It's riveting.
It's a documentary.
It's a movie.
Document.
It helps if some of it's true.
Well, my friend, i for one believe you.
Yours is a fascinating story.
Well, thank you.
Would you like a soda? Yes, that would be lovely.
Here's my problem.
If you don't believe me, Why don't you go down and check At the bureau of archives.
Where is that? City hall.
City hall? Yes.
Ice? Where? Aah, aah.
You have to choose Between the dominican day parade And the cuban day parade.
Both want sunday the 24th.
Call it.
Tails.
Cubans.
And there's a paul buchman outside who wants a moment.
Oh, send him in.
Let me guess.
Lance brockwell.
Paul buchman.
Jamie's husband.
That's right.
Hi.
Hi.
Paul, where do i know you from? I think you know where you know me from.
Umhasty pudding club? No.
Four-H? No, sir.
Eagle scouts? Not really.
Then i'm at a loss.
Well, let me say three words to you.
Moviepermit.
.
Coyotes.
You're the coyote guy.
C'est moi.
The guy who made that film.
No.
I wanted to make that film, But couldn't make that film.
Because i didn't let you make that film.
Then you wrote me that letter.
Yes, which is why i want to talk to you.
I love that letter! What? I had it laminated.
You called me, what the heck was it? That was so long ago.
Who remembers? "Weasel incompetent weasel.
" That takes the edge off of weasel.
"Pencil-Pushing pinhead.
" Perhaps i did.
Then the way you signed it "kiss my ass, paul buchman.
" It was supposed to be "yours truly.
" I slipped.
Where the heck is that? I can't believe you have that letter.
Oh, you don't throw out your first piece of hate mail.
You know what, i deserved it.
I was on the job two weeks.
I was doing everything by the book.
I was a weasel.
I wouldn't say that.
In any event, i apologize about the permit.
So you won't hold this against my wife? Paul, you see this phone? It's been ringing since 1954.
I got calls koch hasn't answered, So i got no time to bear a grudge.
Well, that's really generous of you.
I'm sorry if i came here with the wrong idea.
I'd do the same for my wife.
Oh, married? Oh, yeah.
See? Two kids.
Beautiful kids.
Jamie and i just started trying.
Really? So she could get pregnant at any time? Well, we're hoping, you know.
Like two months after she got this job? I don't think she would do that.
But you're trying.
Not hard.
What could've happened? Fran, it wasn't the bra.
we had this job.
Now, all of a sudden, they have to think about it.
Why do they have to think about it? Yeah.
You look really nice.
People just don't change their mind for no reason.
You smell really good, too.
Well, whatever happened, we have to find out.
May i say you have wonderful teeth? I'll call you back.
What did you do? Sit down uh, 'cause you're going to laugh.
Not immediately, but within 16 years, You're going to laugh at this.
Guess who i ran into today.
Who? Lance brockwell.
You ran into him? Where? In his office.
Oh, god.
I was working on this titanic thing.
Not only was he on the ship, He beat john jacob astor at shuffleboard.
He was 6 years old.
Can you imagine o.
K.
O.
K.
O.
K.
I didn't want you to get hurt, So i went to just bury the hatchet.
And as a result, they have to think about it.
What did you say? You know, it could've been nah.
What? I happened to mention That we're trying to get pregnant.
What? I didn't mean to.
Why didn't you tell him i'm a crack addict? I would've had a better chance.
That would not be true.
Fran, i know what happened.
They know i'm trying to get pregnant.
Don't tell fran, please.
Paul.
He went down there.
No.
I'm not going to divorce him.
She's taking this well.
Yes.
Yes, you may.
Here you go.
Oh, good.
Hi, fran, how are you? This is how we make our living, understand? What were you thinking? Does the expression "none of your business" mean anything to you? Very common expression.
Can you imagine your anger If i told the explorer channel That you hate birds? You're both giving the exact same example.
All right, fran.
Give me five minutes.
I'll meet you there, And in the most dignified manner, we'll grovel.
I'll see you there.
Baby, i am so sorry.
I should not have gone down there.
No kidding.
I should not have said anything to him.
I'm just i'm sorry.
You just may have cost me the best job i'll ever have.
Can i ask you out of curiosity? What was your plan? What plan? If you got this job and you're great at it, Which you're gonna be, And then you got pregnant, Were you going to quit? I don't know.
What do you mean? Two weeks ago, having a baby Was the most important thing in the world.
And now, not so much.
What do you mean? Either we are on this baby bandwagon, or we're not.
Of course we're on it.
O.
K.
'Cause i don't see the enthusiasm.
Where's the baby enthusiasm? What do you mean what happened to the enthusiasm? You're talking about a full-Time job, And this is not just any job.
This is a highfalutin, On-Call, 24-Hour day, holidays and weekends, with the mayor, kind of a job.
Doesn't sound exactly conducive to babyness.
Oh, i see.
So you get a highfalutin job, It's great news, happy day.
I get a highfalutin job, It's, oh, no, it might interfere with our baby plans? Uh, yeah.
Yeah? I'm, you know, um, i'm checking, but yeah.
I can't believe you're telling me I have to make the bigger sacrifice.
I, w-Well, wouldn't you? Why, because i'm the mommy? Yes.
Oh, i'm the mommy? Yes.
Oh, my god.
What? I'm the mommy.
Sit down.
Seriously, i'm the mommy.
I know.
I know it's not fair.
It's so not fair.
I wish it were even.
I really do.
I know you do.
Listen, if i could have the kid don't start.
You'd have one cramp and kill yourself.
Could we not make this a whole guy-Girl thing? If michael jordan got pregnant, They'd kick him off the bulls? No, but, you know, you have to admit, In his third trimester, his defense might suffer.
You know what? I can do this.
I can be a mommy and a bureaucrat.
I can have morning sickness on the subway.
It's not like no one ever threw up on the "f" train before.
Certainly true.
I can handle that big crazy office.
If i need to take a nap, I'll just unplug the phone, the fax machine, The email, the a.
P.
Ticker and take a nap.
I'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
What am i going to do? [Telephone rings.]
Well, one you don't have to take the job.
Hello.
Hi, fran.
Really? Or you could take the job.
Really? Yay us! Not you.
O.
K.
I'll call you later.
He knows he was bad.
Yay you.
They're going to be pissed If i get pregnant and quit.
You don't have to quit, Because you're going to have the best husband A pregnant woman ever had.
Shopping, laundry, everything.
Whatever you want.
I'll even get fat with you.
You're going to wake up with me for 3 a.
M.
Feedings? To tell you the truth, I'm very rarely hungry at that hour.
I'll eat something light.
No.
Show me.
Wow! All right.
Wait a second.
Ready?