Mad Men s04e05 Episode Script

Donald Draper's office.
In addition to the two major cough drop users, smokers and cold sufferers, is another group that eats them as candy.
The technical term is "hypochondriacs.
" Donald Draper.
Donald Draper's office.
Hello? You said not to buzz you all the time, but I don't know how else to do this.
You have a phone call.
You can buzz me for a phone call.
Things like coffee after I've said no, you don't have to ask again.
You're always asleep in here.
Walter Hoffman from The Times.
He's a reporter.
What's it regarding? You want me to go ask? I think we're done here.
New York Times.
This is Don.
Hi.
it's Walter Hoffman from The New York Times.
I write the advertising column.
I know who you are.
What can I do for you, Walter? I just wanted to know if you'd heard that Cutler Gleason and Chaough just signed Clearasil.
I don't keep track of accounts once we resign them.
I just think it's kind of interesting that first CGC takes the Jai Alai Association from you and now this.
-How do you explain it? -I don't think about it.
Well, I talked to Ted Chaough and he said, "Every time Don Draper looks in his rearview mirror, he sees me.
" You have a partners' luncheon.
What's your point? My point is do you have a response? On the record? Please.
I've never heard of him.
Anything else? No.
Have a good day.
This Selma thing is not going away.
You still don't think they need a civil rights law? They got what they wanted.
Why aren't they happy? Because Lassie stays at the Waldorf and they can't.
Please tell me I missed everything.
I now call to order a meeting of the partners, Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.
In attendance Everybody.
Very well then, Mr.
Campbell.
Secor Laxative has finally agreed to produce a television commercial and test market it.
How'd you ease them into it? Must've had to loosen them up first.
We've had that client for 18 years, Roger.
Pete has other news.
A Deerfield chum of mine roped me into a dinner for the Asia Society, the result of which was a series of interesting phone calls and one lunch regarding the Honda Motorcycle Company.
They control over 50% of the US market.
I've seen them.
They're cute.
They're miserable at Grey.
Well, 50% of the market, who wouldn't be? "Where's my other half?" They're taking meetings and as of 9:00 this morning, we're on the books.
Three million dollars in potential billings, and they're venturing into automobiles as well.
When can you bring them in? Listen, let me spare you the agony and the ecstasy and tell you we are not doing business with them.
Excuse me? Look, I don't expect you to understand this, because you were a little boy, but I used to be a man with a lot of friends.
Then World War II came and they were all Killed by your new yellow buddies.
Look, if Bernbach can do business with Volkswagen, we can do business with anybody.
The war is over, Roger.
Why don't we just bring Dr.
Lyle Evans in here? That'll be enough of that.
Lucky Strike is great.
Meeting adjourned.
We don't usually put new business to a vote, do we? Does anyone really have a problem with this? No.
When can you bring them in? Immediately, if possible.
I don't want to lose our spot.
So far I've been advised to read The Chrysanthemum and the Sword.
From what I can tell, they have their own way of doing business.
Bert, I'm hoping you'll help us navigate these waters? I'll prepare a few salient points.
Keep Roger out of the loop.
Another rather exciting possibility.
Good work.
Joan, get everybody that book.
I at least want them to see it on people's desks.
Who the hell is Dr.
Lyle Evans? I have no idea.
The body of a 38-year-old Unitarian minister was cremated within hours of his death last night.
He had been clubbed by white men who resented his coming to Selma -to join negro civil rights demonstrations.
-Come in.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Sally? Hello.
I brought my doctor kit.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Enjoy yourself.
Which one is it? I mean, which restaurant, in case I need to reach you.
Benihana's.
You're going to see a girl, aren't you? Yes, I am.
-What's her name? -Bethany.
I don't like that.
Well, you don't have to.
Bed by 9:00? How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
Jesus.
What did you do? You look like a mongoloid.
-Is it that bad? -Bobby, go to bed.
Sally, get over here.
No.
Good night.
Come over here.
I'm not mad.
Come on.
Your dad is gonna kill me.
He's actually gonna kill me.
You have short hair and Daddy likes it.
That doesn't matter.
You're not allowed to do this and you know that.
Are you and Daddy doing it? What? I know what it is.
I know that the man pees inside the woman.
Where did you hear that? A girl at school.
You should talk to your mommy.
I don't want to.
You don't need to know right now, so stop changing the subject.
I'm sorry.
Do you understand I'm in worse trouble than you are? I just wanted to look pretty.
Come on.
We're gonna try and fix this, okay? You're not impressed.
-My hair smells like I've been frying chicken.
-It does? Stop it.
This place is very expensive.
That's not it.
it's just not very intimate.
Three dates in five months? Don't think I don't know why.
If it isn't the inscrutable Don Draper.
Ted.
-This is my wife Nan.
-This is my friend Bethany.
Ted Chaough.
-Don Draper.
-Pleasure.
Pleasure.
We just booked Howard Moses to shoot Clearasil.
Have you ever worked with him? Not yet.
I thought I was clever, but it looks like you and I had the same idea.
What are you talking about? What do you think? Honda? You think the rest of these tourists are from J Walter Thompson? I suppose it's possible.
Well, the good news is, I think it's gonna be between us.
The bad news is the best man's gonna win.
Enjoy your dinner.
-We will.
-Nice to meet you.
-What are you doing, Ted? -My job.
-Who's he? -Some fly I keep swatting away.
They haven't done half of what we have.
The minute he declared himself the competition, suddenly we were equal.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, he's no competition at all.
Hello? We're not gonna let this spoil our evening, are we? No.
-Do you know how to use those? -Yes.
You think you could teach me? -What time did they go to bed? -I'm really, really sorry.
-They still up? -No.
It's just, I was watching I V with Bobby and I turned around for a second and Sally cut her hair.
What? It's pretty bad.
I could've just left them alone.
-She was in the bathroom.
I didn't know.
-You're supposed to watch them.
Don't.
I finally got her to sleep.
Do you know the river of shit I'm gonna get from her mother? I'm sorry about that.
I tried to fix it, but you'll probably need to take her to the beauty parlor.
Why the hell did she do that? She probably wanted to look older like Hayley Mills.
I don't know.
I really shouldn't.
Consider it severance.
-Look -I don't want your advice, okay? Good night.
It's probably the kids.
Hi, Mom.
-Did you have a nice time? -Yeah.
Take that hat off.
Let me explain, okay? -What the hell happened to you? -Calm down.
-You cut her hair? -No.
I cut it.
I'm sorry -Hey! -Betty.
It was an accident.
Jesus.
Betts, is that necessary? I'm really, really sorry.
Damn right you're sorry.
Get up to your room.
-Hold on.
-No, now.
It'll be okay.
Bobby, take your little brother outside and play.
You didn't have to hit her.
You're right, because it doesn't do anything! You have picture day.
-And forget about your sleepover.
-Kids do this.
-You never did this? -All I wanted was to have long hair.
In fact when my mother was mad at me, she would threaten to cut my hair.
-Where the hell were you? -Look, it just happened.
The sitter wasn't paying attention.
You know what? I don't want to know about your life.
You can't even watch them for a second.
it's like leaving them with nobody.
Because you're so good with them? Take her to the hairdresser.
Goodbye.
-Betty.
-Henry, I don't want to hear it.
I want him dead! You don't think I feel that? I was divorced, Betty.
My weekends with Ellie were sacrosanct.
I probably paid for a building in playland and he couldn't take a night off? And who knows who he had watching her? Some secretary, another whore? But That's him, not Sally.
And little girls do do this, and not just ones from broken homes.
I know.
I was impulsive.
I'll apologize.
Having had a girl this age, I can tell you that punishment will only make this worse.
So maybe, when you're apologizing, you let her know she's going to go to the hairdresser and she can go on her sleepover.
Reward her? Really? Really.
You're soft, you know that? Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.
May I help you? There you are.
The Honda meeting's today, and before you bite my head off, I'm up to date on the protocol with the help of Cooper and we don't have to do anything but avoid criticizing them or giving advice.
I ran into Ted Chaough.
How are they in this thing and how could you not know that? This guy's drafting off of us.
For the record, it's JWT, CGC and us.
Now if you don't mind, I have to get some gifts wrapped and get these chrysanthemums out of the building.
Apparently they symbolize death.
So much conflicting information.
Allow me to show you around.
Our offices are probably more modern than you've seen, but that's the kind of company we are, forward-thinking.
This is what we call the creative lounge.
We can't tell you how it happens, but it does happen here.
This is too difficult.
Well, tell them something.
This is Joan Harris, our chief hostess.
I'd like you to meet Ichiro Kamura and Hachi Saito.
Nice to meet you.
I hope no one's taken you to Benihana.
David Ogilvy.
I've got a very good list of steakhouses.
Just ask.
Not very subtle, are they? No, they are not.
We are most happily looking forward to presentation.
Not now, I hope.
We want more driver for motorcycle.
And we shall endeavor to make that happen.
And now that we are finished, please accept our modest gifts.
I cannot accept.
A small token.
No, thank you.
Please.
You are our guests.
Thank you.
-Open it.
-No.
Later, of course.
It's a cantaloupe.
Johnnie Walker Red.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know this meeting was happening.
Then again, I know how some people love surprises.
I apologize, gentlemen, but for some reason I was not informed.
In fact, someone set a long lunch for me with Randolph.
Well, it was last minute and now, unfortunately, drawn to a close.
I have to warn you they won't know it's over until you drop the big one.
Twice.
The meeting is not over.
We have yet to present the rules.
So now you're dictating terms.
Mr.
Kamura, Mr.
Saito, this is Roger Sterling.
And this is their translator, Akira Takahashi.
We give each firm $3,000 for a competitive presentation.
In this packet are the conditions for the competition.
We don't want any conditions.
We want it to be unconditional.
Akira, go ahead, tell them what I said.
Roger, stop it.
These men are our guests.
I know exactly who these men are.
You think you can just come in here and we'll fawn all over you? We beat you and we'll beat you again.
And we don't want any of your Jap crap.
So, sayonara.
If you could only know my embarrassment.
His wife's very sick.
He's been drinking a lot.
You have our rules.
We very much look forward to your presentation.
You don't get to kill this account.
You know how they are.
Maybe it'll kill itself.
Enough.
I'm not even talking about money right now.
I'm talking about the kind of work you could do for those people.
Have you seen that motorcycle? They love design.
As long as my name's in that lobby, I get to choose whom I do business with.
And I've got a lot better reasons than you had with Jantzen.
Jantzen was over.
Well, I made a pledge to a lot of men you'll never meet not to do business with them.
Christ on a cracker, where do you get off? You know what? You weren't there.
You weren't anywhere.
I'm sorry you can't understand.
It's been almost 20 years and whether you like it or not, the world has moved on.
These are not the same people.
How could that be? I'm the same people! You don't think I know what you're doing? You're wrapping yourself in the flag so you can keep me from bringing in an account because you know that every chip I make, we become less dependent on Lucky Strike and therefore less dependent on you.
-Why, you little shit! -Roger! Get him out of here.
The rest of us are trying to build something.
He's right.
You know what to do.
Where would you hide a coin? You'd spend it, wouldn't you? I do know where it is.
I'll tell you.
-Then tell me.
-I'll make a bargain with you.
Let these two go.
Keep me.
I'll tell you.
-Promise.
-No.
Then no deal.
What if you won't tell me where that coin is? I refuse to talk in this What are you doing? Nothing.
Laura.
Someone else was here Go upstairs.
Hold Still.
I'll get it.
What's the problem? Is she sick? I would've come and gotten her.
No.
The slumber party ended early.
I'd like to speak to Betty.
Okay.
Honey? Is everything all right? No, it's not.
Could you leave us alone for a moment? I found Sally behaving inappropriately.
What'd she do? She was in our den on the couch playing with herself.
What? I don't know what goes on here, but that kind of behavior is not allowed in my house and certainly not in the presence of my daughter.
I am very sorry for this behavior and so is Sally.
I would've done the same thing.
Well I'm sorry about that.
I should go.
What is wrong with you? You don't do those things.
You don't do them in private and you especially don't do them in public.
You have nothing to say? I didn't do anything.
Don't you dare lie to me or I'll cut your fingers off.
Go to bed.
We'll deal with this in the morning.
What happened? I'm mortified.
I'm so embarrassed.
What happened? She caught Sally playing with herself.
What's wrong with her? That woman will tell everyone.
Why is she doing this? I told you if it got serious, there is a solution.
I don't want to do that, Henry.
It's one thing after another.
What's wrong with her? Maybe it's time we let a professional answer that question.
Henry, I went to a psychiatrist once.
What? why? Because I was unhappy and I don't think it helps anything.
I hate to think how much worse it would have been for Eleanor without one.
They train them just for kids.
We got ours from the school.
I'm saying this not because I'm so sure there's something wrong with her, but I think this is very hard on you two.
-When did you go? -Years ago.
I was bored.
-Can we leave it at that? -Of course.
Miss Blankenship, any luck on that call to California? I'm sorry.
No answer Misters Peters and Pryce to see you.
Send them in.
I think we're okay, but everything they do is inside out.
I got a call this morning from my contact there, Masao, telling me that the meeting was a Margaret Dumont-sized disaster, but then Lane? Then, nearly 20 minutes later, Masao called me and set a time for our presentation.
Look, there's probably a guy like Roger at every firm.
They've outgrown it and we haven't.
Roger has something to say.
Mn Cooper and Mn Sterling.
I realize that I should not, at this point, limit our potential clients in any way.
Next account, no matter what it is, you'll have my full support.
And? Look, I know it's an old one and I have to let it go just for my health alone, and, well, hell, it's over.
Your contrition wouldn't have gotten you out of this, but you're lucky.
They called us today and gave us an appointment anyway.
That means nothing.
-it's over.
-No, Bert, I said we have a meeting.
It's most likely that they are expecting us to come in and resign.
How do you get there from here? Have we received a gift? -We should have gotten one yesterday.
-I haven't.
Miss Blankenship, have I received any packages today? Yes.
Could you bring it in, please? It says "Don" on it.
Give it to him.
"Help me, Honda.
Help.
Help me, Honda.
Love, Teddy Chaough.
" -So, there is no gift.
-That's how they work.
They want us to go in there, bow down and beg them to chop our heads off because we disgraced ourselves.
How could you admire these animals? Would you shut up? They're businessmen and you insulted them to their face.
I'm expecting a child.
Jai Alai, Clearasil, now Honda.
Chaough wins another one by default.
He's not going to win.
I'm not wasting that appointment.
We need to do something that will make them notice us.
Fireworks.
-Do you have a campaign? -No.
But I will and we're gonna shoot a whole commercial for it.
Something outrageous, something graphic.
The rules limit us to boards and copy.
It specifically says, "No finished work.
" Because no one's ever won an account by breaking the rules? Not with the Japanese.
You're trying to tell me if we put our backs into this thing, we couldn't turn their heads? Three thousand dollars is all we have.
That should buy about four seconds of your commercial.
You don't think it's worth going out of pocket? What pocket? A spec commercial will eat up our ability to pitch any more new business this year.
And it's only March.
I would be willing to risk bankrupting this place if I didn't think we were already dead in the water.
But we are.
Come on, Bert.
Hello? Am I catching you alone? What do you want? I prefer not to talk about this on the phone, but it's our feeling that Sally needs to see a psychiatrist.
"Our feeling.
" Why, because she cut her hair? No, it's more serious this time, and I'm telling you because I found someone through the school.
A children specialist.
What exactly did she do? She set the house on fire? She was masturbating, Don, in front of a friend.
Does that seem normal to you? Really? Boy or girl? Jesus.
What's the difference? The doctor needs to speak with us, individually of course.
So you've made up your mind.
Why are you even calling me? She's out of control.
I thought you'd be concerned.
I am.
I just don't know that she needs a doctor.
Can't you talk to her? You think I want this? I don't know what else to do.
You know what kind of little girls do that? Fast ones.
She's 10 years old.
Well, don't think she doesn't understand.
She understands a lot of things, thanks to you.
What? I don't care what you do, but just don't do it with her there.
You brought another man into your bed, into her house.
You don't think she noticed that? One man, Don.
How many have you had in your bachelor pad? That girl you had watching her? Who's she? I'm married.
Jesus.
You ever hear yourself? I'll give the information to your secretary.
-Perfect.
-Good night.
Yes! Have you seen these? I'm trying to figure out what makes it work.
I'm still wondering what makes you work.
Joan, Pete, Peggy.
Don't touch it.
I want to see how long it goes.
What's wrong? "A man is shamed by being openly ridiculed and rejected.
"It requires an audience.
" What is that? Fortune cookie? It's from that book you were all supposed to read.
Apparently making a commercial for the Honda pitch would bankrupt us.
And it's against the rules.
Forget the rules for a second.
CGC is the same size as us.
So, if we can't afford to do anything, they can't afford to.
So everybody's bankrupt.
Chaough said he's in my rearview mirror.
Well, guess what? I'm gonna make a left turn right off a cliff.
All I have to do is let Chaough think I'm making a commercial and he'll make one.
So what's our campaign? We don't have a campaign.
We're not doing anything.
He just needs to think we are.
So what? He's going to make a commercial.
What if it's fantastic? He'll win the account.
You let me worry about that.
I know she's the best rep there is, but she told me you were unavailable.
I am.
Clearasil doesn't wrap until Friday night, but maybe you could push it.
It sounds interesting.
Well, Howard, I'm going to insist on your discretion at this point.
Of course.
It's going to be four to five days.
-Just a minute.
-Could you get the door? I'm sorry.
I thought I'd put this in here.
Later.
-Sorry about that.
-That's okay.
-You didn't see that.
-No, of course not.
That's Draper, isn't it? Yes.
Anyway, it's 12 scenes.
One of them obviously has a crowd.
You'll need to figure out how to shoot on the Staten Island ferry, to it and from it, and how you're going to close Fifth Avenue.
I'll be honest.
I'd give anything to do this, but right now I'm too busy.
Anyway, you know I'd much rather shoot your Honda commercial.
I don't have one.
Why the hell did they call you in? They know I've got you booked.
How can they afford that? Get that kid in here who worked for Draper.
Anticipation.
Suspense.
A Honda tears through a subway tunnel, the train nipping at its tire.
He keeps looking back, the train roaring at him.
He's wearing a racing helmet.
And then you see him head up the steps.
-Can they do that? -Howard'll make them do that.
And then he gets out on the sidewalk, stops, kicks down the kickstand, takes off the helmet, and he is a she, California blonde.
Hands down, that's your best idea.
We'll bring a guy to the pitch in a racing helmet, have him take it off, it's a sexy girl.
What? We only have $3,000, we're not shooting shit.
How long did you work for Draper? A little over two years.
When you were in a bake-off, he ever break the rules? I don't know.
He wouldn't have shared it with me, but he definitely doesn't think the rules apply to him.
He once disappeared for a month.
Does he like to play games? He's always thinking on the edges of where you are.
I don't know.
He's a genius.
You ever talk that way about me? You know what? Why don't you go work for your boyfriend? Get out.
And give me 20 different words for "pimples.
" Out! Call Barbara about Howard here and contact the city of New York.
We need a subway.
How are you doing? Excuse me.
Can I help you? -We're late.
-No, you're not.
Closed set.
Sorry.
You scared me.
Who are you feeding today? World travelers, Samsonite.
This is like a coconut.
Be careful.
There was a trapeze artist.
He made more in an hour here than he makes in a week at the circus.
-Have you ever had this? Sake? -No.
I don't know how people drink the way you do around here.
I'd fall asleep.
So what's it like being a trapeze artist? Or did you just ask him about his luggage? It's good.
He was surprisingly modest.
His father does it better than him.
He actually said that? Best part of my job.
You'd be surprised what people will say to an interested stranger.
Why does everybody need to talk about everything? I don't know but they do.
And no matter what happens while they're talking, when they're done they feel better.
You have kids? No.
What does your husband do? I'm not married.
But you're wearing a Are you divorced? No.
This is just a stop sign.
I walk into a lot of offices and it's helped me avoid a lot of distracting conversations.
But you told me.
Do you have children? I do.
Two boys and a girl, one-and-a-half, seven and 10.
I'm sure it must be hard to be apart.
I don't see them enough.
And when I do, I don't know what to do.
And when I drop them off I feel relieved.
And then I miss them.
I'm sorry.
It is not going well.
My ex-wife thinks my daughter needs a psychiatrist.
And I assume you're against that.
I don't know.
Well, I can't say there's any evidence to support this, but I'm pretty sure that if you love her and she knows it, she'll be fine.
Well, thank you for the drink.
I should be going.
Fake dinner plans with your fake husband? Good night.
Now from what you told me on the phone this year has been quite eventful for your family.
I know it seems fast, but I felt children had no concept of time and Henry's really taken to them.
He has a daughter and she's such an exceptional young woman.
If you choose to have Sally work with me, I'd like to meet her, and then interview you and your ex-husband.
I doubt you'll ever meet him.
That's his level of interest.
Is this most recent incident of the most concern for you? Well, I know the divorce is mostly to blame, but she's been different ever since my father died.
He lived with us briefly.
They were very close.
I wish he had met Henry.
That's my husband.
They would've gotten along.
My mother I don't know.
My goodness, if I had done what Sally did, my mother was very strict about it.
My brother, he saved his money and bought a nudist magazine and showed it to me.
And then, my mother found it and she nailed it to his bedroom door.
What about you? I was private and mostly outgrew it.
I see.
-Dr.
Keener -Call me Dr.
Edna.
That's what the kids do.
Of course I know children do this.
But not in public.
I feel like Sally did this to punish me somehow, for everything.
That must be a terrible feeling.
It is.
You have to believe me.
I had to get divorced.
I felt it best for them to have some stability in their life and in the end, she doesn't understand that it'll be better.
Sounds to me like it wouldn't be bad for you to talk to someone.
No.
No, I'm okay.
Well, I think it'd be helpful if you and I were to meet once a month just to keep up with Sally's progress.
Will you tell me what she talks about in here? No.
And the other way around as well.
That's better.
So I think we should start at four days a week.
Let me go get my date book.
-Where's your film? -What film? That's how you're shaking it? I heard it stunk.
We didn't make one.
it's too expensive.
Well, then you're out of luck, Donny.
'Cause I sure wouldn't want to follow what I showed them with a speech and a couple of posters.
Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.
Donald Draper.
Where is Mr.
Cooper and Mr.
Campbell? And Sterling? They couldn't make it.
You created this set of rules to even the playing field.
It says specifically, "No finished work.
" I understand not everybody has observed this.
I don't really want to be a part of a competition like that so I'm withdrawing us.
Thank you for thinking of us.
Good afternoon.
The voiceover announcer for Lucky has a severe case of chest congestion.
Get the boy wonder on it.
Greg, accounts? No, Pete.
Have a drink.
it'll make me look younger.
I'm not gonna watch you feel sorry for yourself.
I feel sorry for all of us.
Don's over there surrendering right now.
Would you stop? There was a kid on the destroyer, PFC Brycen, and he was an honest-to-goodness poet.
-And then during -Roger, I don't want to hear it.
My husband's gonna be in uniform any day now.
But how do you think he's gonna feel when one day some Pete Campbell goes to some Vietnamese doctor? Since when is forgiveness a better quality than loyalty? Roger, I know it was awful, and I know it'll never seem like it was that long ago, but you fought to make the world a safer place and you won and now it is.
You think so? Really? I have to.
-Anything else? -No.
Good afternoon.
Your daughter's psychiatrist called.
Lower your voice, please.
Congratulations.
I just spoke with Mr.
Saito.
It seems Honda was never going to leave Grey, but of the three princes invited to meet the princess, you were the most charming.
We're first in the door on their little car.
And CGC? Out of the running.
We killed him.
That stunt you pulled was unseemly.
The only reason I let you continue was Let me? Do you think Joan can rent stage space without talking to me? I let you because I realized that our financial future was related to Mr.
Chaough's demise.
So what is it? Are you thanking me or reprimanding me? -Let's not pretend like this wasn't a big risk.
-We're thanking you.
Send over what you have on the car.
It redlines at 9,500 RPM, but it only has 57 horsepower.
What? It's a motorcycle with doors.
The nice thing is it has windows, so you can see your brains spatter against it when it crashes.
They're working on it.
Cheers.
Hello, Sally.
I'm Dr.
Edna.
Why don't you come inside?