M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e05 Episode Script

- It's up to you, Father.
- The bet's two dollars.
I don't think I've got a prayer.
- Three Hail Mary's beats two of a kind, Father.
- I'm out.
Uh, I ain't got two dollars.
Youse guys accept a two-day pass? Put it in.
Paper's paper.
We're certainly gonna miss you around here, Sergeant.
A lot of our hopes and cash will leave with you.
Yeah.
Well, I put in my time.
Thirty years' worth.
At least four of which were devoted to official army business.
- Are you in? - Am I in? - Yeah.
- With this hand, you wanna know if I'm in? Are you crazy? All right.
Here's your two dollars.
And two more.
And I get the last raise? Mm-hmm.
Two, four six.
I'm out.
I must've been born under a ladder.
All right.
- What have you got? - Full house kings and tens.
- Phew! - Three eights.
Eight threes would've been better.
Hey, it's light out.
- Can I interest anyone in a Mass? - Of what? Well, another day in the R.
O.
K.
- Have a safe flight home, Sergeant Kimble.
- Right.
With you out of the motor pool, maybe the army can finally break even.
You know, I think flight-homewise I got a little problem, Doc, with my ear.
I've got chronic adhesive otitis with eustachian tube dysfunction.
[Chuckling.]
How do you know that? A lucky guess and a little research.
- How long have you had this? - I caught it the second I read about it.
- Your ears will hurt if you fly.
Right? - Bad.
Like to get out of that little, tiny plane and into a big, big boat? You know, you guys are too smart to be officers.
Kimble, the truth.
How much loot are you planning to ship home with you? I figure a couple of thousand pounds.
- A ton? - I didn't say that.
Right.
That's your word for 2,000 pounds.
And that's just personal effects and toilet articles.
Right? I'm only taking enough to open a restaurant back in Philly.
"Kimble's Korean Kafe.
" Three K's.
You get it? You can buy your linen from the Ku Klux Klan.
- What about the two eyeholes? - He can put the salt and pepper shakers on them.
All I'm asking is that you put in my medical file that I can't fly.
That requires three medical officers' signatures.
- You two are two.
- Last time we counted.
- Colonel Potter? - The man's hopelessly honest.
- Major Burns.
- Major Major Burns do something thoughtful? He sends his kids collect birthday cards.
- How long before you ship home? - Two weeks.
But with my connections, I can get the orders changed.
We'll do what we can.
By the way MacArthur wants to know if he can have the car Saturday night.
Of course.
- Boy, that poker game really tapped me out, boy.
- Me too.
You couldn't lend me a few bucks, could you? Against next month? - I lent you against next month last month.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, this water sure does feel good.
- Yeah.
It's been gettin' too muggy for me lately, boy.
Even the weather stinks in the army.
I read somewhere that General MacArthur don't even sweat! Can you imagine? He just don't sweat at all.
Probably has some private do it for him.
- Boys.
- I'll be out in a minute, Father.
Take your time.
I took a bit of a bath in the poker game.
Huh! Anyone heard they've spotted snipers near the camp? - Pay no attention, Father.
Just rumors.
- It's just a rumor.
- Hmm.
Hey! - [Gunshot.]
- [Gunshot.]
- That rumor almost came through the door! I'll be out in a minute, Father.
Can you H.
Q.
Boys give me some help, Barney? I've got sniper trouble.
- [Gunshots.]
- No, a British patrol will be fine.
Yes.
Right.
It'll give me a chance to use my English.
Thanks, Barney.
Everyone's a comedian.
See the men get plenty, Stokes.
We'll be about an hour.
Mind? Lieutenant Chivers, - Hunnicutt, Captain.
- Pierce.
Ah.
I know a family named Pierce in Kent.
I've got an uncle in Suffolk.
Sheep farmer.
He's the one who never married.
My lads've been trying to clean up the area.
Snipers rather like giving you guys in medical a knocking about.
- Demoralizes the troops.
- Makes us feel a bit dreary as well.
Ah, it's a rotten war, all right.
Still, it's the only one we've got.
I say.
You wouldn't be doctors, would you? Except for eight years of medical school, we wouldn't.
I, uh I have a small problem.
- We're very sensitive to small problems.
- The smaller, the better.
- Actually, it's hardly worth mentioning at all.
- Let's forget the whole thing.
No! No.
What I mean is, you may not think so but it could be awfully dicey for me if this appeared on my service record.
Shall we repair to the clinic? - I'd be most grateful.
- A privilege, sir.
I'm a lifelong Anglophile.
England is still the only place I know where any young man can grow up to be the queen.
What you must understand is that British C.
O.
S are absolutely bonkers on the subject of foot care.
An officer neglectful enough to develop an ingrown toenail is in serious trouble.
What can they do? Make you turn in your feet? Hold up a promotion, deny you leave, the lot.
Aha! The offending digit.
So, in spite of all the training films and lectures you went and got yourself an ingrown toenail instead of saving yourself for marriage.
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
- Well, you came to the right place, Lieutenant.
- Yes, I've been told.
- Often these things are done in sleazy backrooms in Cuba.
- We're clean and safe.
You're aware of the price? - Yes.
According to the Pierce-Hunnicutt Ingrown Toenail Clinic conversion table one severe metatarsal perionychium will cost you exactly two bottles of Scotch.
- Two bottles it is.
- Doctor, the hydrogen peroxide, please.
Lieutenant, you've put your foot in the right hands.
You'll be doing the Lambeth Walk in no time.
- Hey! - Oh, for Pete's sake! Somebody swiped our microscope.
That stinks.
Anybody who'd steal a hospital's microscope would take Tiny Tim's crutch.
[Chivers.]
Thievery's getting quite out ofhand.
Last week I lost two machine guns and a tea cozy.
- But a microscope! - I might just be able to get us another one.
- Colonel Potter, Lieutenant Chivers.
- Sir! - Ingrown toenail, eh? - Pretty fast, Colonel.
It's my third war.
I've seen more British toes than I have American fannies.
- What's the going rate these days? - Two bottles of Scotch.
- Good stuff? - Jolly good stuff, sir.
It'll be welcome.
I had some local moonshine last night.
Curled the hair in my nose.
Hawkeye, I want you in post-op.
Tank Commander, 1 st Cav's here to visit one of his men.
You worked on him.
- Ah, the life of a star! - Yak-eta, yak-eta.
- Ta-ta for now.
- Yes.
All right, Lieutenant.
Stick out your toe and saw "ah.
" Your people are doing a big job here.
You know the wholesale business.
Over here.
Major Burns handles our most difficult cases.
Which is only fair.
He's our most difficult doctor.
You see that foot? Ha-ha.
That's mine.
We had to take it out of his mouth.
Your man would be right here, Colonel.
You think the sun shines out of your bellybutton, don't you? - I'm having it corked.
- Sergeant Moretti.
Glad to see you again, Moretti.
They taking good care of you? No.
Excuse me, Colonel.
This is Private Mumford.
This is Sergeant Moretti.
- What? - This is Sergeant Moretti.
Oh.
You get well now, boy.
Your buddies miss you.
I miss you.
The outfit's not the same without you.
He's out of the game, Colonel.
We had to use one of his ribs to give him a chin.
Pretty standard stuff.
Sometimes we use the jawbone of an ass.
Well, his tank is waiting whenever he's ready.
It must be very exciting riding around in one of those massive machines with that big cannon going through everything in front of you.
Major, if you'll walk this way.
If she could walk that way, she wouldn't need the talcum powder.
I gotta be shoving off myself.
Moretti, keep in touch.
Be sure to write.
Good-bye, Colonel.
Be sure to drive on both sides of the road.
Oh, Doc.
Doc, listen.
Uh As long as I'm here Sweetheart, you just say the word and you'll make me the happiest man in this camp.
Come on.
I'm serious.
Where Oh! We were just rehearsing for the talent show.
Honest to God.
I told you we should've gone to my place.
As long as you're here, Colonel? What? Oh, oh.
Well, I, uh I got kind of this, uh, delicate problem.
And there would be, uh, certain ramifications if I, uh, if I were to check into a base hospital.
Say no more, Colonel.
We here at the 4077 are very social-minded particularly when it comes to disease.
I appreciate your coming to us instead of one of the local physicians whose medical training comes from watching Jean Hersholt deliver the Dionne quintuplets.
That's originally what I had in mind.
Yeah.
Odds are you'd have given him and he'd have shot a few cc's of Wildroot Cream Oil into your rump.
- Hair cream? - That's right.
Doesn't cure you, but you wind up with the best-groomed tochis in town.
[Knocking.]
Yo! - You got a minute? - Always for you, Doc.
Come on in.
Wanna wet your whistle? I got Scotch, vodka, bourbon, rye, sake.
Just pour it all in a doggy bottle.
I'll take it when I go.
- Sergeant Kimble, you wanna make a deal? - Talk to me.
Pierce and I'll get you on a ship on one condition: You scrounge us a new microscope.
- What's wrong with the old one? - Stolen.
- Stolen? - Stolen.
These people are too much.
Do you know what I have to go through to steal it for us? - No justice.
- Where am I gonna get another one? They're tough.
As tough as carrying a Korean cafe home in two suitcases? You got me by the eustachian tubes, ain't ya? I hope so.
If I find another microscope you guarantee the boat? I'll have the captain back it up to your tent.
- Ready, Colonel? - Yeah.
I'm gonna leave this in a minute.
- Hey.
That was very smooth.
- Thank you.
Ooh! Oh.
That penicillin smarts.
Not as much as Wildroot.
I feel like a damn fool.
It's a big club.
Okay.
Here's a list of dos and don'ts.
You've already done the biggest don't.
The rest is easy.
Now, you're sure this won't appear anywhere at all in your records? Or my record either? - Sure what won't appear? - I don't know how to thank you, Doc.
Colonel, if I never see you with your pants down again that'll be thanks enough.
A very kind, affectionate act, your coming here to see your sergeant, sir.
Oh, thank you, Father.
Thank you.
Colonel's a very affectionate man.
It's what happens when the love bug bites.
If ever there's anything I can do for you, Doc - [Gunshots.]
- Get down! - [Gunshots.]
- Ah, civilians! [Gunshots Continue.]
Come on, Frank.
Throw something.
I don't want to throw something you need.
It's a new hand.
I need everything.
Well [Chuckles.]
Gin.
- But you said you didn't need anything! - I lied.
[Laughing.]
I lied.
What'd I catch you with? - You're certainly a savage at cards, Margaret.
- Oh.
- Sixty-eight! - And 25 for going gin.
And, uh, we were in spades.
That's double.
I'm out in all three games.
You owe me one pair of nylons for each.
Only if you let me play shoe salesman.
You're a little savage too.
Aren't you? [Both Laughing.]
You, uh, really found that tank commander attractive, didn't you? - I wouldn't say that.
- Don't toy with me, Margaret.
- I'll bite your T-shirt to ribbons.
- [Knocking.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Frank? - [B.
J.
.]
You in there? - They're trying to catch us at something.
- We're not doing anything.
Oh, yeah.
Who'd have thought? - Come in.
- Interrupting? Not at all.
I know I'm in here, but I'm not doing anything.
We'd like you to sign this.
Uh, I examined Sergeant Kimble last month.
There's nothing wrong with him, except a possible hernia from mailing truck transmissions.
Yeah.
But if we fake his profile, he'll get us a microscope.
Fake? Huh.
Include me out! What about the next wounded kid that comes in that needs a blood count? I'm sick of hearing about the wounded.
What about the thousands of wonderful guys fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes with those lucky few who just happen to get shot? - I think you've finally gone out of your skull.
- No.
Wait a min No.
A microscope would be useful.
You could use it to examine your I.
Q - or your feelings, or your tiny little heart.
- Hawkeye.
- Out! That's it! Out! - You heard him.
Out! Out! You know, you're beautiful when he's angry.
Antagonizing Frank didn't help at all.
I've had to put up with him longer than you.
- You're supposed to be smarter than he is.
- A houseplant is smarter.
I've had more intelligent conversations with people I was doing autopsies on.
- Tact wouldn't have hurt.
- A lot he cares about a microscope! Doctor Burns! He'd prescribe a laxative for a brain tumor.
Things are looking up.
- [Hawkeye.]
That Chivers? - The charge of the Scotch brigade.
- Doctors.
- How's the, uh, small problem? - Splendid.
- You do understand that your toe should have nothing to do with any other toes for at least a month.
Yes, Doctor.
Also, no liquor for the toe, and don't wear any spicy socks.
On the subject of the former I believe this covers your services.
Like a Scotch mist.
My thanks again, sirs.
- Mention this to your friends.
- Our business is largely word of foot.
Tallyho.
- [Gunshots.]
- [Shouts.]
- This isn't happening! - [Gunshot.]
It feels like it's happening.
[Radar On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
! Sniper activity in the compound.
! - It's murder out there.
- Attention, all personnel.
Inside's your best bet.
Ahh! One down.
[Gunshots Continue.]
Ahh! They were only eight years old both of them! [Gunshots Continue.]
- Ooh.
Ooh.
- At ease, son.
At ease.
Thank you, sir.
Maybe later.
- About the sniping - We're doing all we can.
I'm working at my desk and Radar's scared.
- And that's all? - I can work twice as hard, if you like.
- Radar, can you be twice as scared? - No problem, sir.
- C-Colonel, will you - Look at this.
Come here.
- What is that? - [Hawkeye.]
Two bottles of toenail juice.
The Scotch! Eight-year-old Scotch! Ah, well.
The good die young.
- [Gunshots.]
- [Shouts.]
You know what would scare 'em away? - Cavalry.
Today's cavalry.
A tank.
- Let's not shoot off any cannon! No.
Nothing like that.
Just the sight of a tank would do it.
It's like having a big dog in your front yard.
Works every time.
Radar, that Colonel Griswald was here from 1 st Cav.
Get him on the horn.
- Right.
- Why him? I showed him a few cc's of kindness.
- He had a slight case of carnal flu.
- Off the record, of course.
- Seemed like a decent duck.
- Loved by one and all, especially off base.
He's comin' on.
- Radar, you're a model of efficiency.
- I built him out of a kit.
- Hello! Hello! - [Gunshots.]
Yeah.
Can you speak up a little? Somebody's trying to kill me.
Colonel Griswald? Yes, sir.
Hold on, please.
Just a moment, sir.
Hello, Colonel? Captain Pierce, your friend in need.
Remember? Colonel, I have a little problem here that might interest you.
We're getting a lot of sniper fire and [Gunshots.]
I beg your pardon? - You're very busy right now? - [B.
J.
.]
Terrific.
! Colonel, the above sniper fire is endangering all my private medical records.
All of them.
I may have to put them in the official files for safekeeping where anyone and his uncle can get a very good look at them.
Yes, sir! Monster, isn't it? Good ol' American know-how and insanity.
Can't tell you how grateful we are, Colonel.
This tank'll give us a lot of security.
We tried a night-light, but it didn't work.
- What's the blessing for a tank, Father? - "Thank God" will cover it.
This bucket of bolts happens to be going in for maintenance.
I can let you have it for 24 hours.
- Terrific, Colonel.
I'm sorry about the bad news.
- What bad news? Your medical records were destroyed in the last attack.
- Burned to a cinder.
- Ohh.
Well, I guess you can keep it for a week.
That'll be long enough to scare the North Koreans and both Chinas out of here.
Thank you, Colonel.
How 'bout a belt for the road? No, no.
I can't do any drinking for quite a while.
We're cleaning up an old tank driver's complaint bloodshot hips.
What? - Make it 50 cents.
- Call.
- Just once.
- I'm in.
Uh, and up 50.
- Anything beats just one ace, Radar.
- The bet's a dollar.
- Call.
- Right.
- In.
- I'm light.
- Go.
This is the way to run a war.
For the last 24 hours the only frightening sound has been Frank's mouth-breathing.
No luck on the signature yet.
Right? [B.
J.
.]
We'll get it, if we have to resort to torture.
We're making a bid on an anthill later.
Go ahead.
- Frank, you didn't! - Did too! - At Fort Benning.
I trained in one for a week.
- You never told me.
Ah.
They said it was a shame I was a doctor.
They felt I had the same killer instinct as Patton.
- Oh! You're just funning me.
- Oh, yeah? Oh, Frank! Should you? Ha! Think just those hotshot colonels can handle these babies.
Huh? [Laughs.]
Stand back, puddin'.
[Margaret.]
Ah, Frank.
Do you think you should? Cinch-a-reeno! - Oh, Frank.
! Oh.
! You're It's starting up.
- [Engine Rewing.]
Stand back, Margaret.
[Laughing.]
Now, be careful, Frank.
Just Frank, do you know what you're doing? Are you sure you know what you're doing? Uh, I'm gonna get out of the way, Frank.
- Boom.
- Frank? [Frank Laughing.]
Frank.
! Oh, my Frank, it's a Frank! Do you see me? Frank! Are you in control? You're going the wrong way! It's the girls' showers! Oh! Girls! Out! Frank! - [Screaming.]
- [Frank.]
How do you stop this thing? Frank.
! Oh, my Frank! It's Major Burns! Help him! [Excited Shouting.]
Frank! Colonel, save us! No sweat.
Watch an old cavalryman in action.
[Frank.]
Oh, no, no.
Colonel.
Colonel.
Colonel Potter.
! Stop! Pull over! Burns! [Frank.]
Don't leave it there.
! No.
! No.
! Don't leave it there.
! [Gunshot.]
[Applauding, Cheering.]
[Man.]
Let him have it.
! [Angry Shouting.]
Terrific, Frank.
Especially when you did that figure eight over Colonel Potter.
Burns, you got any excuse for that jackass behavior? I'm sure he has, Colonel.
Somehow the tank got started, and it went crazy.
Frank jumped in.
- [B.
J.
.]
Saved us all.
- Somebody had to.
Uh-huh.
- What? - Sign on the bottom line, Frank.
- Sergeant Kimble's medical profile.
- Yeah.
That's blackmail.
- Huh? - Blackmail's an ugly word.
We prefer "extortion.
" - B-U-R-N-S, Frank.
- B-U-R Yeah.
There you go.
Very good.
- [B.
J.
.]
Thank you, Frank.
- Oh, yeah.