Melissa & Joey s04e05 Episode Script

Hey, family.
I thought you were at Glen's house? What are you doing home? Oh, I'm not really here.
I just, um, came to pick up my toothbrush.
You've been gone three days and you just now realized you didn't have your toothbrush? Yeah, I was using Glen's, but then it wore out.
Look, why don't you just stay for dinner? Joe made pot roast.
Ooh, I love your pot roast.
This is gonna be so good at 3:00 in the morning.
All right, I'll see you guys! - Love ya! - Bye! Whoa, hey, wait a minute, man.
You can't take the whole thing! Yo, Ryder! How is that love? He took the pot roast.
That was going to be my breakfast.
Hmm, well, maybe this will tide you over.
Don't worry about it, all right? That pot roast is not going to last forever.
He'll be back.
Ooh, somebody smells good.
Oh, yeah.
That's my new shampoo.
It's cruelty-free.
You sure about that? 'Cause it's killin' me.
Hey, there are impressionable young children here.
And horrified young adults.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize there were so many sensitive young people here in the kitchen.
I'll tell you what, we're gonna leave the rest of the dishes to you all, and, um, Mel and I are gonna say good night.
- Oh, more like a great night.
- Yeah.
Don't they know married people aren't supposed to do it anymore? I'm glad we're not married.
Ugh, I'm surrounded.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade Whoo! Yeah! All right! Joe.
What? Wow.
Honey, no, all I'm saying is, that if that didn't just make a baby, I don't know what will.
What are you talking about? I'm on birth control.
You're what? Hey, we're married now.
I mean, I just I don't know, I assumed that you, you know Pulled the goalie.
Pulled the goalie? Oh! Nope.
Nope, my goalie is still in the game.
Playing every period.
Swatting away your little pucks right now.
We said, "I do.
" I thought "I do" meant, I do not use birth control anymore.
I said I wanted to start a family soon, not now.
Oh, I see.
Soon.
Not now, so So, soon, then.
Well, what's soon? I mean, is that like, uh I don't know, 10 minutes? 'Cause I could easily be ready by then.
Come on.
You've seen it happen.
Joe, look, we're newlyweds.
You know, we should spoil each other.
Take some time for ourselves and our careers.
And not worry about the pressure to have kids.
Okay.
All right.
Fine.
Yeah, cool.
No more pressure from me.
Although, we did just go into overtime.
Maybe your goalie needs a break? Zander, what's up? We were supposed to start working on "Cassandra" half an hour ago.
I'm sorry.
I know.
I was running errands for my boss, the esteemed Thorndyke Welles, but, I'm here now, and I promise no more interruptions Oh.
Hello, Mr.
Thorndyke Welles yeah, he makes me call him that.
Uh-huh.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, absolutely.
I will be right there.
Well, you know, it is kind of cool the way he relies on you for everything.
You're the go-to guy for the great artist.
Yeah, go to the dry cleaners.
Go to the supermarket.
Go to the drug store and pick up maxi pads for his menstruating collie, Freida.
It's all going to my head.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Went and grabbed a beer with Thorndyke.
Wow, is he a yapper.
Couldn't get Thorny to shut up.
Thorny? Yeah.
He makes me call him that.
And you got to go out drinking with him? I had to take his dog to the groomers to get her nails clipped.
That was my idea.
That little clickety-claking all over the studio was driving me crazy.
Oh, good.
I don't work for Thorndyke, I work for Marco.
Technically, you work for the dog.
Well, I'm hitting the shower.
Okay, Zander, Zander, look, I'm sorry.
This sucks, but, um I know what will cheer you up, though! There's a Basquiat exhibit at the museum.
Let's go tonight.
Yeah, you know what, I'd like that.
Oh, but it has to be after Freida's evening walk.
Thorny makes me document all of her poops.
Wait, I thought you weren't allowed to call him that? I'm documenting dog poop.
Please, let me have Thorny.
There's my beautiful bride.
I got you something.
Ooh, is it diamonds? No, it is not diamonds.
That's okay.
Oh, great, you're all here.
Guess who finally figured out what he wants to do with his life? You? Did I tell you already? No.
Okay, great, because here it is.
I'm going to move to Louisiana to volunteer for AmeriCorps! I'm gonna become a teacher's assistant.
You know, I actually hear that's a great organization.
But, um Don't you need to know something before you teach it? Where did this sudden desire to volunteer come from? I've always said I wanted to help people.
When? You wouldn't even give me a ride to school.
Okay, maybe I never said it out loud, but I was thinking it.
Ooh, ooh, if you're going to Louisiana, can I have your room? Sure.
You see, helping people.
- Thanks.
- No.
No, no, nobody's getting anybody's rooms.
Ryder, listen, I know you think you have a good idea here, but you really don't.
And let me tell you why.
I you know, listen, Joe, I gotta go.
No-no-no-no-no, buddy, buddy, buddy, listen.
Listen, this is only gonna take like, two minutes.
More like two hours.
- I'm out of here.
- Yeah, wait for me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh, I hate being a grownup.
Listen, dude, there are so many reasons why you should go to college.
Okay? To start with Umm, should I sit down for this? I'm gonna.
Lennox! It's payday, and you and I are going out.
Pick any place you want to go.
Oh, I'm going to the museum with Zander.
So, you have a date with your ex-boyfriend? What? No.
It's not a date.
We're just going to dinner and then to an art exhibit.
I mean, it's not like we're gonna be making out.
So, it's a bad date.
He needs someone to cheer him up.
Okay, here's a crazy idea.
He gets his own girlfriend and stays away from mine.
Oh, is this a jealousy thing? Oh, please.
Is Batman jealous of Charlie brown? Okay, Marco, you don't understand.
No, I understand a lot.
You're over him, but he is not over you.
And you're not helping him by leading him on.
Okay, but it's not a date! And this is not me walking out the door.
See? I can put a "not" before stuff, too.
So, to sum up We have, um Job prospects, okay, social growth, financial independence.
All right? But listen, the most important reason that you need to go to college, is because we're not going to be paying for anything else unless you do.
Look, aunt Mel, Joe, this is gonna be very, very, good for me, all right? Glen's cousin is in the program too and we're going to New Orleans together.
Ryder, you left me in the car without the keys.
I can't even listen to the radio.
Did you forget about me? No, never, Juliet.
Oh, guys, this is Juliet.
Oh, are you, by any chance, Glen's cousin? Uh-huh! How'd you know? I took a shot.
Well, um, listen, we gotta go.
Juliet has a yoga class, and I'm gonna, um I'm gonna watch.
This is not over.
We're gonna talk more about this later, man.
Okay, sure thing.
- Sure thing.
- See you! Don't worry.
Once this fling fizzles out, he'll be back here in no time playing video games and eating like a bear before hibernation.
Bears remember their toothbrush.
Hey, hey, hey! I believe you mentioned a little gift when you walked in? Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me give this to you, okay? All right.
Now, about last night.
You know, I got caught up in the whole emotion of the moment.
Talking about babies and stuff, but, I want to let you know I understand your point of view, so, I got you this.
Aww.
A hockey player? No, that's a goalie! That's That's birth control.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Look, this is my way of saying, you can keep the goalie in the game for as long as you need to.
No more baby pressure from me.
Aww.
- Hey, Mel.
- Hey.
Mel, look who wanted to stop by for dinner.
Nate and Gillian.
Oh, and the baby they made.
What a pressure baby Precious baby! Isn't this great, Mel? Nate and Gillian just, uh, wanted to stop by.
You asked us to come over.
Let's not quibble over the details.
Joe, can I talk to you for just one little sec? Me? Yeah, sure.
You asked them to come over here so they could throw that little ball of joy and wonder right in my face.
What kind of guy would I be if I invited Nate and Gillian over here and I didn't also invite their little baby? This little baby ambush of yours isn't gonna work.
You're so cute, you're so cute! Oh, you're a cute little ball of joy and wonder! Yes you are, yes you are! Well, I got Freida her tampons, picked some fleas off her butt, then, to thank me, she licked my face.
Hello.
Uh, Lilah, this is Zander.
- Hello.
- I work for a dog.
Zander, this is my friend Lilah and I was just showing her your amazing drawings.
She's a film major and has great visual sense.
Yeah, these are interesting.
Oh, cool.
The way you intentionally make your images look flat and static.
Flat and static? That's just what every artist loves to hear.
Oh, you're one of those.
Sorry, one of what? You just want to hear how great you are.
Excuse me.
Could I talk to you for just two quick seconds? Who's the freak? Lilah is nice.
Yeah, I'm not getting that.
Okay, I'm trying to fix you up, Zander.
I can't be spending all this time with you.
I have a boyfriend, and you need to find a girlfriend.
And I think you and Lilah have a lot in common.
Yeah, she looks fun.
Oh, and this is perfect timing.
She just went through a phase with women, and she's working her way back to guys.
So what, I'm the rest stop on her highway back to men? Just give her a chance.
Fine.
I'll ask the beautiful bisexual girl out.
But I'm only doing this for you.
Who's a big boy? Who's a big boy? Hey, if he's getting too heavy, I can take him back.
No-no-no-no, I got him.
I got him.
I got him! Gimme! You know, Mel, you're gonna have to give the baby back eventually.
Or else they're gonna press charges.
Yeah, but we Haven't even seen the bunny outside yet! He does love bunnies.
Oh, good.
Buh-bye! It's so nice to have my boobs back to myself, even for only a few minutes.
Yeah, I forgot what they look like without a baby attached.
Look at you two making jokes.
There hasn't been a lot of joking lately.
Which is fine.
Because since I had the baby, whenever I laugh, I pee a little.
Yeah, she's gone through more diapers than the kid has.
Oh, come on, guys.
But you brought this, you know, precious little baby into the world? Yeah, Joe, don't get us wrong.
We love um Eddie.
You have no idea what it's like.
We're not trying to scare you, but having a baby ruins every part of your life.
I'm so sleep deprived, I had lunch with my boss, and afterwards, I tried to burp him.
Yeah, but now that you had the baby, don't you feel like it's, you know, brought you guys closer together? Yeah.
Like cell mates.
Except we don't have sex.
Uh-oh.
Excuse me.
You thinking of having kids, Joe? Yeah.
Absolutely.
As a new father, let me give you some advice.
Don't.
Wait, Dave, come on.
You and Gillian are such a great couple.
I mean All right, so you're going through some tough times.
But the romance is gonna come back, man.
Will it, Joe? Will it? Name one couple whose sex life came back after they had kids.
Nate, there are tons, there are millions, all right? Just 'cause I can't think of any right now doesn't mean Oh, I got one! Nope they're divorced.
Hey, Mel.
Did you see how beat Nate and Gillian looked tonight? Whew.
I tell you, having a baby's a big deal.
That's certainly not a decision you want to take lightly, huh? Hey, handsome.
Take a good look at this nightgown.
'Cause it won't be on for long.
Ooh, oh, yeah! You know, oh, honey.
You know what, let's Let's just Slow things down just a little bit.
'Cause you know what? You were making some great points last night.
And we really have no need to rush into anything.
Uh-huh.
I'm not using birth control! No, listen, babe.
I don't want to make you do anything that you're not ready to do.
Oh, I'm ready! Put a baby in me, Longo! You're intoxicated.
Okay, you've been sniffing baby head all night long.
- Take your pants off now! - What? No, hey, no! Stop it! Stop it! Listen to me! Did you not see Nate and Gillian? Please don't come any closer.
Wait, listen honey, they're miserable.
They're miserable.
Okay? Absolutely miserable.
They're exhausted.
They can't control their bladders.
They don't even have sex anymore.
Wait, there's no reason that would happen to us.
It happens to everyone! Sex and romance die after you have a baby.
That's not true! Look at my parents.
They had plenty of sex after they had children.
Yeah But not with each other.
Bad example.
Give me a good example, then.
All right? Give me one couple whose romance survived having a baby? Umm Look at that.
You can't even give me one! Franklin and Gretel.
Who? Yeah.
I work with them down at city hall.
He's in parking, she's in permits.
They have 11 kids, and they can't keep their hands off each other.
Did you make them up? What does that have to do with anything? Hey, umm, listen.
Before we get started working on "Cassandra," I just want to say that I am so sorry about Lilah.
I don't know what I was thinking trying to fix you guys up.
Are you kidding me? She's awesome.
We've been out four times.
I introduced you two days ago? Yeah, we hit it off.
Several times.
And I can say with total confidence that Lilah is definitely back on the man train.
A-choo-choo! Yeah, in fact, she got her commuter pass, and that entitles her to two rides a day.
Okay.
You don't need to tell me everything.
But, it sounds like she is perfect for you.
Oh, you know, nothing's perfect.
She's a bit full of herself at times, and a little controlling, but apparently, that's what I like in girls.
Gotcha.
All right.
Let's get to work.
Where's your computer? Oh, yeah, that's what I actually came here to tell you.
I can't work with you on "Cassandra" anymore.
Wait, what? Why not? Well Lilah doesn't want me spending time with an ex.
She thinks it's weird.
Does this mean that "Cassandra" is over forever? Well, I wouldn't say forever, but, you know, Lilah did.
Zander, how can you agree to something like this? Well, it's a new relationship.
Sometimes, you gotta Pretend you're okay with ridiculous demands when you're really not? Exactly! See? I knew you'd understand.
All right, so, I'll see you later.
Well, you know, probably not, but maybe.
What was all that about? Well I fixed Zander up with Lilah and now he's got a girlfriend and I've lost a collaborator.
And a friend.
I'm sorry.
I am trying to make my face look sad, but I can't.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where is everybody? Oh, the kids went down to the yogurt shop to see how many free samples they could get before they get thrown out.
Oh, well, they'll never beat Ms.
24.
Hey, Joe, I need you to take a look at this contract for me.
Yeah, okay, I'll look at this.
But first Umm, I think we should finish our whole "Franklin and Gretel" conversation from last night.
I told you, I made them up.
I know, honey, but, I just you know, I want to settle things.
Trust me.
Just read this.
I Okay.
Fine.
"Proposed contract between Mel Burke and Joe Longo to preserve sex and romance once they have children.
" - I'm intrigued.
- Keep reading.
"I, Mel Burke, hereafter referred to as 'one hot mama, make the following promises to Joe Longo, hereafter referred to as 'sugar pecs.
'" - "sugar pecs"? - Okay, look, the nickname's negotiable.
No, I'm okay with it.
"I promise never to stop saying 'I love you, ' no matter how tired I am or how many poopy diapers I have changed.
" And take a look at paragraph four, subsection B which covers lap dances, French kisses and the standard Friday night striptease.
I have no objections.
Okay, and I can't wait.
- Turn to page five.
- Page five.
That's where it gets really fun.
Okay.
Oh, there's pictures.
Oh, that's nice.
That's very nice.
Honey, this is very sweet of you to write up this contract, but there's just no precedent here.
I mean, if nobody else has been able to keep things hot after having kids, what makes you think that we can? Well, there is one couple who has managed to defy the odds, you know? One couple who, you know, fought endlessly for three years but still managed to fall in love.
The couple we've been looking for to inspire us? It's us! You really need to think about that? I'm not thinking about it I'm just taking a moment here, so I can choke out a sentence without tearing up because what you just said was so freaking beautiful.
So, umm, can I get your signature on this? Yes.
You got it.
All right? Oh, and umm Honey, I think that, umm, maybe we should try a little Page five, section D right now.
Even with a pulled goalie? Babe, it's section D.
We both know that's not gonna get anybody pregnant.
But, you know what, if you'd rather, why don't we start with the basics.
We could go to good old reliable, maybe section a.
Well, if we do that, one of us, the one with the lady parts, could get pregnant.
You ready for that? Ready? I'm not sure, but what the hell? Wait, hold on, hold on a minute.
I wanna make sure I'm doing this right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, no, wait You serious? How am I supposed to Hey, guys, I just got a text from Ryder.
He wants to video chat with us.
What? Can't he just come home? I mean, Glen's house is 10 blocks away.
How lazy is he? - Mel - Oh, right, it's Ryder.
Whatever.
All right, look, let's just take this opportunity to set him straight, but nicely.
You have spend at least one year in college and then you can join AmeriCorps.
Okay, yeah, but we have to make him feel like it's his decision, not ours.
Yes, exactly.
All right.
- Team.
Team.
Yo.
- All right.
- Yeah.
All right.
- Ready? Yup.
Hey, guys! - Hey! - What's up, man? All right, listen up, Beavis, you're not doing AmeriCorps.
Kiss Juliet goodbye, leave Glen's house, and get your ass to college.
Though she wasn't very tactful, we agree with Lennox.
We'd like you to come back from Glen's house now.
I really can't because I'm kind of in New Orleans.
Please tell me that's a New Orleans-themed restaurant in Ohio.
Nope.
Good old New Orleans, Louisiana, the Big Apple! Well, I hopped a plane with Juliet, and I'm here to help the children.
Can you guys send me some of my underwear and my video games? I cannot believe you, Ryder.
Yeah, I can't believe you forgot your video games.
Oh, don't worry about me.
We went to see a voodoo psychic, and everything is going to be fine.
Oh, I feel so much better.