Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s04e05 Episode Script
Mr. Neutron
1 (clatters) (bell chimes) (scratchy recording of Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) ("Liberty Bell March" continues crisply and loudly) (music ends with fart) LET'S BRING THEM OUT! ANY OLD IRON! ANY OLD IRON! THANK YOU.
ANY OLD IRON! THANK YOU.
ANY OLD IRON! (clears throat) (blowing on mike) WE ARE HERE TODAY TO WITNESS THE OPENING OF A NEW BOX TO REPLACE THE BOX WHICH USED TO STAND ON THE CORNER OF ULVERSTON ROAD AND SANDWOOD CRESCENT.
OWING TO A PROGRAM OF ROAD WIDENING BEING CARRIED OU BY THE BOROUGH COUNCIL THE ULVERSTON ROAD BOX WAS REMOVED LEAVING THE WALL BOX IN ESHER ROAD AS THE ONLY BOX FOR THE PEOPLE OF THE ULVERSTON ROAD AREA.
THIS NEW BOX WILL ENABLE THE PEOPLE OF THE ULVERSTON ROAD AREA TO POST LETTERS, POSTCARDS AND SMALL PACKAGES WITHOUT RECOURSE TO THE ESHER ROAD BOX OR TO THE BOX OUTSIDE THE POST OFFICE AT TURNER'S PARADE WHICH MANY PEOPLE USED TO USE BUT WHICH HAS NOW BEEN DISCONTINUED OWING TO THE OPENING OF THIS BOX AND ALSO TO THE REORGANIZATION OF BOX DISTRIBUTION THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE AREA WHICH COMES INTO FORCE WITH THE OPENING OF THE NEW BOXES AT THE WYATT ROAD POST OFFICE IN JULY.
(clears throat) NOUS SOMMES ICI CE MATIN (audience laughs) POUR REMPLACER LA BOITE QUI AUTREFOIS ETAIT PLACEE AU COIN D'ULVERSTON ROAD ET SANDWOOD CRESCENT.
PARCE QUE DU PROJE POUR L'ELARGISSEMENT DE LA RUE QUI FAIT PAR LE BOROUGH COUNCIL LA BOITE D'ULVERSTON ROAD EST REMPLACEE ET LA BOITE DE MUR DANS ESHER ROAD EST LA SEULE BOITE POUR LES PEUPLES D'ULVERSTON ROAD.
CETTE BOITE NOUVELLE RENDRA CAPABLE LES HOMMES D'ULVERSTON ROAD DE METTRE DANS LA POSTE LES LETTRES, LES CARTE-POSTALES ET DES PETIT PAQUETS SANS A VOIR BESOIN DE LA BOITE DE MUR DANS ESHER ROAD OU LES BOITES DE LA TURNER'S PARADE BUREAU DE POSTE QUI BEAUCOUP DES HOMMES ONT FAIT USAGE MAIS QUE ES MAINTENANT DISCONTINUEE Man: A PERFECTLY ORDINARY MORNING IN A PERFECTLY ORDINARY LIFE GOES ON AS IT HAS DONE FOR YEARS.
BUT SOON THIS QUIET PATTERN OF LIFE WAS TO CHANGE IRREVOCABLY.
EN WYATT ROAD LE JUILLET.
WIR SIND HEUTE MORGEN (laughter) (train whistle blowing) THE COMMONPLACE ROUTINE OF A TYPICAL MONDAY MORNING WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN FOR INTO THIS QUIET LITTLE COMMUNITY CAME MR.
NEUTRON.
MR.
NEUTRON THE MOST DANGEROUS AND TERRIFYING MAN IN THE WORLD A MAN WITH THE STRENGTH OF AN ARMY THE WISDOM OF ALL THE SCHOLARS IN HISTORY THE MAN WHO HAD THE POWER TO DESTROY THE WORLD.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT STRANGE AND DISTANT PLANET HE CAME FROM OR WHERE HE WAS GOING TO.
WHEREVER HE WEN TERROR AND DESTRUCTION WERE SURE TO FOLLOW.
MR.
NEUTRON, THE MAN WHOSE INCREDIBLE POWER HAS MADE HIM THE MOST FEARED MAN OF ALL TIME WAITS FOR HIS MOMENT TO DESTROY THIS LITTLE WORLD UTTERLY.
THEN THERE'S STANLEY, HE'S OUR ELDEST.
HE'S A BIOCHEMIS IN SUTTON.
HE'S MARRIED TO SHIRLEY.
(in monotone): SHIRLEY WHO USED TO BE THE HAIRDRESSER? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I THINK SHE'S A LOVELY PERSON.
MIND YOU, MY HUSBAND DOESN'T.
HE THINKS SHE'S A BIT, UH, THINKS SHE'S A BIT FLASH.
I HATE HER.
I HATE HER GUTS.
OF COURSE, THEY COME DOWN ON MOST WEEKENDS SO YOU'LL BE ABLE TO MEET THEM THEN.
I'D LOVE TO.
HAIRDRESSING IS VERY INTERESTING.
OH, YES, AND VERY IMPORTANT, TOO.
IF YOU DON'T CARE FOR YOUR SCALP, YOU GET RABIES.
THEN THERE'S KENNETH, HE'S OUR YOUNGEST.
MIND YOU, HE'S A BIT OF A PROBLEM AT LEAST MY HUSBAND THINKS HE IS, ANYWAY.
NASTY LITTLE PIECE OF WORK, HE IS.
I HATE HIM.
MIND YOU, THE ONE WE DON'T HEAR MUCH ABOUT NOWADAYS IS KAREN.
SHE MARRIED A CANADIAN; HE'S A DENTIST.
THEY LIVE IN ALBERTA.
TWO LOVELY CHILDREN: GARY WHO'S THREE, LESLIE WHO'S SIX.
LESLIE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY THE SPITTING IMAGE OF KAREN.
DO YOU WAN TO SEE A PHOTO? OH, YES, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT.
THEY'RE A COUPLE OF LITTLE BASTARDS.
I HATE THEM.
THEY GOT EYES LIKE LITTLE PIGS JUST LIKE THEIR MOTHER.
SHE'S A DISASTER A REALLY HORRIBLE-LOOKING PERSON, SHE IS.
I THOUGHT THAT ONE WOULD STAY ON THE SHELF BUT ALONG COMES THIS STUPID DENTIST GIT.
HE'S A REAL CREEPY LITTLE BASTARD, HE IS.
I HATE HIM.
THIS IS A NICE AREA.
IT'S LIKE A BLOODY GRAVEYARD.
I HATE IT.
IT'S HANDY FOR THE SHOPS AND CONVENIEN FOR THE WEST END.
IF YOU LIKE GOING TO THE WEST END.
I THINK IT'S A STINKING DUMP.
MEANWHILE IN WASHINGTON, AT THE HEADQUARTERS OF "FEAR" THE FEDERAL EGG ANSWERING ROOM IN REALITY A FRONT NAME FOR "FEEBLE" THE FREE WORLD EXTRA-EARTHLY BODIES LOCATION AND EXTERMINATION CENTER ALL WAS NOT WELL.
GOOD GOD! GET ME THE SUPREME COMMANDER OF LAND, SEA AND AIR FORCES IMMEDIATELY! (Sousa's "Washington Post March"playing) (sniffing) (laughter) (sniffing) (sniffing) (buzzer sounds) HELLO.
Man: This is Captain Carpenter, sir, from FEAR.
YOU MEAN FEEBLE? Yes, sir.
WHAT IS IT? Mr.
Neutron is missing, sir.
MR.
NEUTRON?! OH, MY GOD! OKAY, SURROUND THE ENTIRE CITY.
SEND IN FOUR WAVES OF ARMED PARATROOPERS WITH FULL GROUND-TO-AIR MISSILE SUPPORT.
ALERT ALL AIR BASES, DESTROY ALL ROADS! WE'LL BOMB THE TOWN FLA IF WE HAVE TO! Sir, he's not in Washington, sir.
OKAY, OKAY, HOLD EVERYTHING, HOLD EVERYTHING! HOLD IT, HOLD IT! LAY OFF, LAY OFF, LAY OFF.
WHERE IS HE? We don't know, sir.
All we know is he checked out of his hotel and took a bus to the airport.
ALL RIGHT I WANT A FULL-SCALE RED ALERT THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
SURROUND EVERYONE WITH EVERYTHING WE GOT.
MOBILIZE EVERY FIGHTING UNI AND EVERY WEAPON WE CAN LAY OUR HANDS ON! I WANT I WANT THREE FULL-SCALE GLOBAL NUCLEAR ALERTS WITH EVERY ARMY, NAVY AND AIR FORCE UNIT ON ETERNAL STANDBY! Right, sir! AND INTRODUCE CONSCRIPTION! Yes, sir! RIGHT! (Sousa's "Washington Post March"playing) (sniffing) SO THE WORLD WAS IN THE GRIP OF FEAR; A HUGE AND TERRIFYING CRISIS GENERATED BY ONE MAN EASILY THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN HONESTLY.
THOUGH STILL BIDING HIS TIME, HE COULD STRIKE AT ANY MOMENT.
COULD HE BE STOPPED IN TIME? GOT A BIT OF WORK TO DO THERE, THEN.
YES, IT IS A PROBLEM.
MRS.
OTTERSHAW NEVER USED TO BOTHER THEN, OF COURSE, SHE WAS VERY OLD; SHE WAS 2O6.
WELL, MUST BE GOING.
IF YOU NEED A HAND, I'LL SEND FRANK ROUND.
HE COULD DO WITH A BIT OF EXERCISE.
(laughs shrilly) FAT OLD BASTARD.
(laughter) (buzzer sounds) YES.
Captain Carpenter here, sir.
We've been on red alert now for three days, sir and still no sign of Mr.
Neutron.
HAVE WE BOMBED ANYWHERE? HAVE WE SHOWN 'EM WE GOT TEETH? Oh, yes, sir, we've bombed a lot of places flat, sir.
GOOD, GOOD, WE DON'T WAN ANYONE TO THINK WE'RE CHICKEN.
Oh, no, they don't think that, sir.
Everyone's really scared of us, sir.
OF US? Yes, sir! OF OUR POWER? Oh, yes, sir! They're really scared when they see those big planes come over.
WOW! I BET THEY ARE.
(hooting): I BET THEY ARE.
I BET THEY'RE REALLY SCARED.
Oh, they are, sir.
DO WE HAVE ANY FIGURES ON HOW SCARED THEY ARE? Uh, no no figures, sir, but they sure were scared.
AH! BUT IT'S NOT WORKING? No, sir.
OKAY, WE'LL TRY ANOTHER TACTIC.
WE'LL TRY AND OUTSMAR THIS NEUTRON GUY.
YEAH, THERE'S ONE MAN I KNOW WHO COULD NAIL HIM.
One guy?! That won't frighten anyone, sir.
HE'S THE MOST BRILLIANT MAN I EVER MET.
WE WERE IN THE C.
I.
A.
TOGETHER.
HE'S RETIRED NOW.
HE BREEDS RABBITS UP IN THE YUKON.
What's his name, sir? HIS NAME IS TEDDY SALAD.
"Salad" as in LETTUCES, CUCUMBER, RADISHES YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
Where do I find him, sir? THE YUKON.
OH, AND CARPENTER Yes, sir? MAKE SURE YOU GE A DECENT DISGUISE.
("Finlandia" playing) (doorbell rings) (laughter) OH, UH, HELLO, MY NAME'S CARPENTER.
I'M FROM THE U.
S.
GOVERNMENT.
ARE YOU FROM THE ARMY? NO, NO, NO, NO I'M, UH I'M FROM THE BALLET.
THE U.
S.
GOVERNMENT BALLET.
THE BALLET! THE BALLET'S COMING HERE? UH WELL, MAYBE.
OH, THAT'S GREAT! WE LOVE THE BALLET.
LAST YEAR SOME OF US FROM YELLOW RIVER WE GOT UP A PARTY TO GO AND SEE THE BALLET IN MONTREAL.
LOOK, I I WAS WONDERING OH, WE HAD A MARVELOUS TIME.
IT WAS MARGOT FONTEYN DANCING LES SYLPHIDES.
OH, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
LOOK, DO YOU KNOW DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD SHE IS? WHO? MARGOT FONTEYN.
NO.
SHE'S 2O6.
OH WELL, LOOK, I HEAR THERE'S A U.
S.
BALLET ORGANIZER AROUND THESE PARTS BY THE NAME OF TEDDY SALAD.
YOU MEAN THE SPECIAL AGENT? WELL UH HE'S AN EX-CIA MAN; HE'S NOT A BALLET DANCER.
(tittering) OH, UH, WELL, I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM ON SOME BALLET BUSINESS.
OH, WELL, YOU COULD TRY THE STORE.
OH, THANK YOU.
HEY! COULD YOU GET US LIONEL BLAIR'S AUTOGRAPH? WHILE PRECIOUS TIME WAS BEING LOST IN CANADA THE SECONDS WERE TICKING AWAY FOR THE FREE WORLD.
ALREADY NEUTRON, WHO, YOU WILL REMEMBER IS INFINITELY THE MOS DANGEROUS MAN IN THE WORLD HE REALLY IS WAS GATHERING ALLIES TOGETHER.
TRY HAVING AN OMELE FOR YOUR EVENING MEAL PERHAPS WITH YOGUR AND GRAPEFRUIT.
OH, I'VE TRIED THAT.
I ONCE GOT DOWN TO 56 STONE BUT I COULDN'T STAY LIKE THAT.
I HAD TO TAKE POTATOES WHEREVER I WENT.
I USED TO GO TO THE CINEMA WITH 300-WEIGHT OF KING EDWARDS.
I'D EAT THEM ALL BEFORE I GOT OUT OF THE TOILET.
(laughter) I HAD TO GO ON TO BREAD.
WHAT ABOUT SALAD? TEDDY SALAD? NO, NO, NO SALAD AS IN LETTUCES, RADISHES, CUCUMBER.
Man: YOU DON'T LIKE IT? NO, I DIDN'T WAN TO EAT A SALAD.
I WANTED TO FIND OU ABOUT A MAN CALLED SALAD.
YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON TO ORDER A SALAD HERE FOR TWO YEARS.
ALL THE ESKIMOS EAT HERE IS FISH, FISH, FISH! WE ARE NO ESKIMOS.
WHERE'S OUR FISH? WE'VE FINISHED OUR FISH.
WHAT FISH YOU WANT TODAY, HUH? BREAM.
BREAM?! WHERE DO I GET BREAM THIS TIME OF YEAR? YOU BLOODY CHOOSY ESKIMO PESTS! WE ARE NOT ESKIMOS.
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE A NICE PLATE OF CANNELLONI? YECH! THAT'S NOT FISH.
OH, I'VE HAD MY LO OF THE ARCTIC CIRCLE.
I WISH I WAS BACK IN OLDHAM.
(slowly): DO ANY OF YOU ESKIMOS WE ARE NOT ESKIMOS.
I AM.
Innkeeper: HADDOCK! WHERE? WHERE? DO ANY OF YOU KNOW A MAN CALLED SALAD? WHAT, SALAD AS IN LETTUCE, CUCUMBERS, TOMATOES YEAH.
LIKE YOU HAVE ON YOUR PLATE? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.
WHERE'S OUR FISH? WHAT DOES THIS TEDDY SALAD DO? OH, UH HE'S A HE'S A HEN TEASER.
(laughter) CHE COSA? E LA STUCCIACATORI DI POLLI! NO, THE ONLY TEDDY SALAD WE KNOW IS A C.
I.
A.
MAN.
OH, UH, HE MIGHT KNOW.
(clamoring for fish) WHERE WILL I FIND HIM? OH, HE LIVES UP AT KIPPER SOUND.
THANKS A LOT.
All: FISHY FISHY AYE-OO! UM, ARE YOU IN INTERNATIONAL SPYING, TOO? UH NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M, UH I'M WITH THE, UH, THE, UH, THE U.
S.
BALLET FORCE.
WHO ARE YOU WITH? Ml6.
BUT NOT A WORD TO THE ESKIMOS.
FISHY FISHY AYE-OO! HERE'S YOUR BLOODY FISH.
THANK YOU, ANOUK.
I'M NOT AN ESKIMO! ("Finlandia" playing) HEY! HEY! HEY! HI, I'M CARPENTER OF THE U.
S.
BALLET.
HEY, GREA TO HAVE YOU AROUND.
THE LAST DECENT BALLE WE GOT AROUND HERE WAS BALLET RAMBERT.
ON THURSDAY THEY DID PETROUCHKA THEN ON SATURDAY THEY DID FILLE MAL GARDEE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS A BIT SLOW BUT IT SURE IS NICE TO SEE YOU, MR.
SALAD.
I AIN'T SALAD.
WHAT? YOU WANT TEDDY SALAD? YEAH.
(dogs yelping) Carpenter: I DON'T SEE ANYONE.
THE ONE ON THE END, ON THE RIGHT.
THAT'S SALAD.
THAT'S A DOG.
NO, ONLY BITS OF IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LISTEN, TEDDY SALAD IS THE MOS BRILLIANT AGEN THE C.
I.
A.
EVER HAD, ALL RIGHT? RIGHT.
THAT'S HOW HE MADE HIS NAME DISGUISE! THAT'S INCREDIBLE! YEAH, HE HAD TO SLIM DOWN TO 1½ POUNDS TO GE INTO THAT COSTUME.
HE CUT 18 INCHES OFF EACH ARM AND OVER THREE FEE OFF EACH LEG.
THE MOST BRILLIAN SURGEON IN EUROPE STUCK THAT TAIL ON.
WHAT ABOUT THE HEAD? ALL OF THE HEAD WAS REMOVED APART FROM THE EYES AND THE BRAIN IN ORDER TO FI INTO THE COSTUME.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE! DO YOU WAN TO TALK TO HIM? YEAH, SURE.
LET'S MOVE OVER TO THOSE TREES OVER THERE.
ANYONE MIGH BE WATCHING.
MR.
SALAD THERE'S A MR.
CARPENTER TO SEE YOU.
WHAT DOES HE SAY? DO YOU HAVE A BONE? HERE, IT'S ALL PAR OF THE DISGUISE.
OKAY, TEDDY, HERE'S THE BONE.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GO HIS TRUST NOW.
YOU CAN TALK TO HIM.
SIR SIR MR.
SALAD SIR, I'VE COME DIREC FROM THE COMMANDER OF LAND, SEA AND AIR FORCES.
THERE'S A PRETTY DANGEROUS SITUATION, SIR.
MR.
NEUTRON IS MISSING.
THE GENERAL SAYS YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'LL KNOW WHERE TO FIND HIM.
WHAT'S HE SAY? UH, HE WANTS TO GO WALKIES.
WALKIES? YEAH, HE'S RIGH INTO IT TODAY.
DO YOU MIND TAKING HIM FOR WALKIES? WHILE CARPENTER TOOK THE MOST BRILLIANT AGEN THE C.
I.
A.
EVER HAD FOR WALKIES EVENTS IN THE WORLD'S CAPITALS WERE MOVING FAST.
("Rule, Britannia" playing) (playing lyrical piece badly) (laughter) (intercom buzzes) Woman: The Secretary of State to see you, Prime Minister.
VERY WELL, SHOW HIM IN.
PRIME MINISTER.
OH, DO TAKE A SEAT.
Woman: OH! (laughter) WE'VE JUST HAD THE SUPREME COMMANDER, U.
S.
FORCES ON THE PHONE.
APPARENTLY, THEY WAN A FULL-SCALE RED ALERT.
THEY WHAT? THEY WAN A FULL-SCALE RED ALERT.
EVERY TROOP MOVEMENT IT'S ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT GIUSEPPE.
REALLY.
I SEE WELL, APPARENTLY THE WHOLE STRUCTURE OF WORLD PEACE IS THREATENED (in Italian accent): YOUR ANNIVERSARY, SIGNORE? UH NO, NO, NO, GIUSEPPE, NOT NOW.
YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T THE LADY? NO, NO.
OH, SIGNORA, MY MISTAKE! FINE, FINE.
I PLAY FOR YOU, MY MISTAKE.
MY MISTAKE, I HAVE MADE MY MISTAKE! WHAT A DREADFUL MISTAKE IS THIS MISTAKE THAT I MAKE! MY MISTAKE GIUSEPPE, DO YOU MIND PLAYING OVER THERE? OH, VERY WELL, SIGNORE, BUT I PLAY ONLY FOR YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL COMPANION.
MY MISTAKE WELL, WE THINK THIS MR.
NEUTRON IS LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THE LONDON AREA.
WE MUST FIND HIM AND EXTERMINATE HIM.
THE AMERICANS SAY IF WE DON'T, THEY WILL.
WHAT?! (yelling): THE AMERICANS SAY IF WE DON'T, THEY WILL! IF HE DOESN' KNOW WHAT?! THEY'LL BOMB THE ENTIRE LONDON AREA! WE'D BETTER GE OUT OF HERE! THEY WON'T BOMB HERE.
ARE YOU SURE? SURE.
RIGHT.
WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO START? WELL, APPARENTLY, THEY HAVEN'T GOT NEUTRON YE BUT WHEN THEY DO, THEY'RE GOING TO I HAVE MADE MY MISTAKE WHAT?! THEY'RE GOING TO SEND A WAVE OF BOMBERS! WHAT A DREADFUL MISTAKE WELL, DID HE TELL YOU ANYTHING? OH, NO, NO.
WE CHASED STICKS WE CHASED A FEW REINDEER.
OH, YOU BEEN CHASING REINDEER, HAVE YOU? YOU'RE A NAUGHTY BOY, EH? LOOK, WE HAVEN' GOT MUCH TIME.
HE HASN'T GIVEN ME ANY INFORMATION YET.
OKAY, LOOK, TELL YOU WHAT THEN, LET'S EAT.
YOU GIVE HIM ONE OF YOUR MEATBALLS HE'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING, OKAY? OKAY.
WAIT A MINUTE, HE'S TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.
(man's voice): CARPENTER AH CARPENTER YES, MR.
SALAD? CAN YOU HEAR ME? YEAH, YEAH IT'S JUST IT'S SO GODDAMNED PAINFUL IN HERE.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? IT'S MR.
NEUTRON, SIR HE'S GONE MISSING.
THE SUPREME COMMANDER WANTS YOU TO TAKE CHARGE.
I OH, GOD I I YES, MR.
SALAD? I I'VE GOT TO GO WALKIES AGAIN.
(intercom buzzes) Woman: Still no sign of Captain Carpenter, sir or Mr.
Neutron.
OKAY.
WE'LL BOMB NEUTRON OUT.
GET ME MOSCOW, PEKING, AND SHANKLIN, ISLE OF WIGHT! AND SO THE GREAT POWERS AND THE PEOPLE OF SHANKLIN, ISLE OF WIGH DREW THEIR NE IN EVER-TIGHTENING CIRCLES AROUND THE MOST DANGEROUS THREAT TO PEACE THE WORLD HAS EVER FACED.
THEY BOMBED CAIRO, BANGKOK CAPE TOWN, BUENOS AIRES, HARROW HAMMERSMITH, STEPNEY, WANDSWORTH AND ENFIELD BUT ALWAYS IT WAS THE WRONG PLACE.
(man over loudspeaker): SORRY, ENFIELD.
WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE CAUSED BY OUR BOMBING.
SORRY.
(bombs exploding) BUT WHAT OF MR.
NEUTRON THE MOST FEARFULLY DANGEROUS MAN IN THE WORLD THE MAN WHO COULD DESTROY ENTIRE GALAXIES WITH HIS WRIS THE MAN WHO COULD TEAR FRUIT MACHINES APAR WITH HIS EYEBALLS? HE HAD NOT BEEN IDLE.
IN FACT, HE HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THE LADY WHO DOES FOR MRS.
ENTRAIL.
(laughter) OH, HELLO, MR.
N.
TERRIBLE ABOUT ENFIELD, ISN'T IT? IT'S ALL GONE; SO IS STAINES.
LOVELY SHOPS THEY USED TO HAVE IN STAINES AND STANMORE, WHERE THE A.
A.
OFFICES USED TO BE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'LL PAY OUR A.
A.
SUBSCRIPTIONS TO NOW.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE'LL PAY OUR A.
A.
SUBSCRIPTIONS TO NOW, MR.
N? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE A.
A.
, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
OH, YES, EVER SINCE THE CORSAIR BROKE DOWN IN LEYTONSTONE.
THEY TOWED IT ALL THE WAY TO DEAUVILLE F.
O.
C.
YES, YOU KNOW F.
O.
C FREE OF CHARGE.
WELL, MY HUSBAND KEN K.
E.
N HE SAID OH, FORGET ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
OR MAY I CALL YOU "MRS.
S?" YOU CAN CALL ME "LINDA" IF YOU LIKE.
NO, I'D RATHER CALL YOU "MRS.
S.
" OH.
AND YOU CAN CALL ME "MR.
N.
" WELL, THAT'S WHA I WAS CALLING YOU.
MRS.
S.
, THERE IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
YES, MR.
N? I HAVE JUST WON A KELLOGG'S CORN FLAKE COMPETITION.
OH, MR.
N.
, THAT'S WONDERFUL! I GOT THE BALL IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT PLACE.
THE PRIZE IS £5,000 IN CASH OR AS MUCH ICE CREAM AS YOU CAN EAT.
£5,000! I WAS THINKING OF TAKING THE ICE CREAM.
OH, NO! IT'S BEEN SO HOT RECENTLY.
YOU COULDN'T EAT THA MUCH ICE CREAM, MR.
N.
MRS.
S.
, I CAN EA ENORMOUS QUANTITIES OF ICE CREAM WITHOUT BEING SICK.
NO, NO, TAKE THE £5,000! PLEASE TAKE THE £5,000! I WAS THINKING IF WE GOT MARRIED OH, YES.
WE COULD USE THE £5,000 TO BUY A SPOON.
OH, WE COULD BUY A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
AND THEN FILL UP WITH ICE CREAM.
OH, FORGET ABOU THE ICE CREAM; WE NEED THE MONEY.
WE NEED NOTHING, FOR THERE IS SOMETHING I HAVE NOT TOLD YOU, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
OH, PLEASE, CALL ME "MRS.
S.
" NO, I WOULD RATHER GO BACK TO CALLING YOU MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
I AM THE MOS POWERFUL MAN IN THE UNIVERSE.
THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT DO.
OH, MR.
N.
I WANT YOU TO BE MY HELPMATE.
AS TARZAN HAD HIS JANE, AS NAPOLEON HAD HIS JOSEPHINE AS FRANKIE LAINE HAD WHOEVER HE HAD (laughter) I WANT YOU TO HELP ME IN MY PLAN TO DOMINATE THE WORLD.
OH, MR.
N.
, THA I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY! YOU'RE NOT JEWISH, ARE YOU? (laughter) ANOTHER TIME WAS WHEN I AS IN CAIRO I WAS DISGUISED AS A WATER HYDRANT.
THE WHOLE TOP PAR OF MY HEAD HAD BEEN REMOVED AND PLEASE, MR.
SALAD YOU MUST TELL US WHERE NEUTRON IS.
AND I FUNCTIONED, DO YOU HEAR? I REALLY WORKED.
I COULD PUT OUT A FIRE.
MIND YOU, IT HURT A BIT.
PLEASE, MR.
SALAD, THERE ISN'T MUCH TIME.
WHERE IS NEUTRON? OKAY, GIVE ME ANOTHER MEATBALL, AND I'LL TELL YOU.
(laughter) (Salad grunting and chewing) OKAY, LISTEN CAREFULLY.
I WON'T REPEAT THIS, YOU UNDERSTAND? YES, YES, QUICK.
I KNOW WHERE NEUTRON IS RIGHT NOW.
I KNOW THE EXACT ADDRESS AND THE EXACT HOUSE AND THE EXACT ROAD.
OKAY, WHERE IS IT? HE'S NOT IN AMERICA.
NO? HE'S NOT IN ASIA.
NO? HE'S NOT IN AUSTRALIA.
NO? HE'S IN YES? EUROPE.
YES? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE IN EUROPE? YES! OKAY, OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU! HE'S IN ENGLAND, IN LONDON AT NUMBER 19 OKAY, THAT'S THE YUKON, WHAT'S LEFT? Secretary: Only Ruislip, the Gobi Desert, and your office, sir.
OKAY, WE'LL STAR WITH MY OFFICE.
ANKWAT I ODR INKERAT, GOBI DESERT ULVERSTON ROAD BOX.
(speaking gibberish) I WILL TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ALL THIS, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
OH, MR.
N.
, I'D FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE.
WE WILL HAVE TWO WEEKS IN BENIDORM.
OH, YES, YES.
AND I WILL MAKE YOU THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
(pulsating tone) (laughter) OOH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
OH, MR.
N.
, YOU HAVE MADE MY HEART SING.
LATE IN LIFE'S PAGEANT IT MAY BE BUT YOU HAVE MADE ROSES BLOOM ANEW FOR ME.
LIFE'S RICH HARVES IS BEING SHUT UP, MRS.
S.
, WE MUST HURRY! OH, I I'D BETTER LEAVE A NOTE FOR KEN; HE'LL BE EXPECTING US.
HAS MR.
NEUTRON ESCAPED IN TIME? IS THE WORLD UTTERLY DESTROYED? HOW CAN MR.
NEUTRON AND HIS CHILD BRIDE SURVIVE? WILL HIS MIGHTY POWERS BE OF ANYA VAIL AGAINST THE HOLOCAUST? STA Y TUNED TO THIS CHANNEL.
HELLO.
WELL, IN FACT, WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT THEY ARE SAVED BY MR.
NEUTRON'S MIGHTY POWERS JUST AS THE LAST BOMB FALLS ON RUISLIP.
HOWEVER, THE EARTH HAS BEEN BLOWN OFF ITS AXIS AND IN A MOST DRAMATIC AND DANGEROUS AND EXPENSIVE SEQUENCE IT SPINS OFF INTO SPACE.
THERE ARE APPALLINGLY EXPENSIVE SCENES OF DEVASTATION AND HORROR AND THE FINAL INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE CLIMAX IS REACHED AS THOUSANDS OF APE MONSTERS IN VERY EXPENSIVE COSTUMES DESCEND FROM THE SKY ONTO THESE PLUG UP A WHOLE CITY WHICH HAD TO BE SPECIALLY BUIL AND FLING THEM ALL INTO THE SEA VERY EXPENSIVELY.
AND WE CAN SEE THOSE VERY EXPENSIVE SCENES RIGHT NOW.
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) JUST AFTER THE CREDITS HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH.
INCIDENTALLY, THESE ARE GOING TO BE SOME OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE AND LAVISH SCENES EVER FILMED BY THE BBC IN CON JUNCTION WITH TIME-LIFE, OF COURSE.
(laughter) THERE ARE SOME OF THE TECHNICAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN FILMING THESE VERY EXPENSIVE SCENES.
THE SOUND VERY EXPENSIVE SOUND EXPENSIVE VISUAL EFFECTS THERE EXPENSIVE PRODUCTION ASSISTAN EXPENSIVE DESIGNER CHEAP DIRECTOR.
WELL, WE'RE GOING TO SEE THOSE VERY EXPENSIVE SCENES RIGHT NOW.
OH, COME ON YOU CAN GIVE US ANOTHER MINUTE, MR.
COTTON, PLEASE.
(laughter) GOOD EVENING.
(laughter) LAST WEEK WE LEARNED HOW TO SAW A LADY IN HALF.
THIS WEEK WE'RE GOING TO LEARN HOW TO SAW A LADY IN THREE BITS AND DISPOSE OF THE BODY WHOA! LOOK, LOOK, IF YOU CAN PUT ON RUBBISH LIKE THA AND "HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW" YOU CAN AFFORD US ANOTHER MINUTE, MR.
COTTON, PLEASE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS LOAD OF OLD WORLD DOMINATION T-SHIRTS ARE AVAILABLE FROM THE BBC, WORLD DOMINATION DEPARTMENT, CARDIFF.
(loud crash) (laughter)
ANY OLD IRON! THANK YOU.
ANY OLD IRON! (clears throat) (blowing on mike) WE ARE HERE TODAY TO WITNESS THE OPENING OF A NEW BOX TO REPLACE THE BOX WHICH USED TO STAND ON THE CORNER OF ULVERSTON ROAD AND SANDWOOD CRESCENT.
OWING TO A PROGRAM OF ROAD WIDENING BEING CARRIED OU BY THE BOROUGH COUNCIL THE ULVERSTON ROAD BOX WAS REMOVED LEAVING THE WALL BOX IN ESHER ROAD AS THE ONLY BOX FOR THE PEOPLE OF THE ULVERSTON ROAD AREA.
THIS NEW BOX WILL ENABLE THE PEOPLE OF THE ULVERSTON ROAD AREA TO POST LETTERS, POSTCARDS AND SMALL PACKAGES WITHOUT RECOURSE TO THE ESHER ROAD BOX OR TO THE BOX OUTSIDE THE POST OFFICE AT TURNER'S PARADE WHICH MANY PEOPLE USED TO USE BUT WHICH HAS NOW BEEN DISCONTINUED OWING TO THE OPENING OF THIS BOX AND ALSO TO THE REORGANIZATION OF BOX DISTRIBUTION THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE AREA WHICH COMES INTO FORCE WITH THE OPENING OF THE NEW BOXES AT THE WYATT ROAD POST OFFICE IN JULY.
(clears throat) NOUS SOMMES ICI CE MATIN (audience laughs) POUR REMPLACER LA BOITE QUI AUTREFOIS ETAIT PLACEE AU COIN D'ULVERSTON ROAD ET SANDWOOD CRESCENT.
PARCE QUE DU PROJE POUR L'ELARGISSEMENT DE LA RUE QUI FAIT PAR LE BOROUGH COUNCIL LA BOITE D'ULVERSTON ROAD EST REMPLACEE ET LA BOITE DE MUR DANS ESHER ROAD EST LA SEULE BOITE POUR LES PEUPLES D'ULVERSTON ROAD.
CETTE BOITE NOUVELLE RENDRA CAPABLE LES HOMMES D'ULVERSTON ROAD DE METTRE DANS LA POSTE LES LETTRES, LES CARTE-POSTALES ET DES PETIT PAQUETS SANS A VOIR BESOIN DE LA BOITE DE MUR DANS ESHER ROAD OU LES BOITES DE LA TURNER'S PARADE BUREAU DE POSTE QUI BEAUCOUP DES HOMMES ONT FAIT USAGE MAIS QUE ES MAINTENANT DISCONTINUEE Man: A PERFECTLY ORDINARY MORNING IN A PERFECTLY ORDINARY LIFE GOES ON AS IT HAS DONE FOR YEARS.
BUT SOON THIS QUIET PATTERN OF LIFE WAS TO CHANGE IRREVOCABLY.
EN WYATT ROAD LE JUILLET.
WIR SIND HEUTE MORGEN (laughter) (train whistle blowing) THE COMMONPLACE ROUTINE OF A TYPICAL MONDAY MORNING WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN FOR INTO THIS QUIET LITTLE COMMUNITY CAME MR.
NEUTRON.
MR.
NEUTRON THE MOST DANGEROUS AND TERRIFYING MAN IN THE WORLD A MAN WITH THE STRENGTH OF AN ARMY THE WISDOM OF ALL THE SCHOLARS IN HISTORY THE MAN WHO HAD THE POWER TO DESTROY THE WORLD.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT STRANGE AND DISTANT PLANET HE CAME FROM OR WHERE HE WAS GOING TO.
WHEREVER HE WEN TERROR AND DESTRUCTION WERE SURE TO FOLLOW.
MR.
NEUTRON, THE MAN WHOSE INCREDIBLE POWER HAS MADE HIM THE MOST FEARED MAN OF ALL TIME WAITS FOR HIS MOMENT TO DESTROY THIS LITTLE WORLD UTTERLY.
THEN THERE'S STANLEY, HE'S OUR ELDEST.
HE'S A BIOCHEMIS IN SUTTON.
HE'S MARRIED TO SHIRLEY.
(in monotone): SHIRLEY WHO USED TO BE THE HAIRDRESSER? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I THINK SHE'S A LOVELY PERSON.
MIND YOU, MY HUSBAND DOESN'T.
HE THINKS SHE'S A BIT, UH, THINKS SHE'S A BIT FLASH.
I HATE HER.
I HATE HER GUTS.
OF COURSE, THEY COME DOWN ON MOST WEEKENDS SO YOU'LL BE ABLE TO MEET THEM THEN.
I'D LOVE TO.
HAIRDRESSING IS VERY INTERESTING.
OH, YES, AND VERY IMPORTANT, TOO.
IF YOU DON'T CARE FOR YOUR SCALP, YOU GET RABIES.
THEN THERE'S KENNETH, HE'S OUR YOUNGEST.
MIND YOU, HE'S A BIT OF A PROBLEM AT LEAST MY HUSBAND THINKS HE IS, ANYWAY.
NASTY LITTLE PIECE OF WORK, HE IS.
I HATE HIM.
MIND YOU, THE ONE WE DON'T HEAR MUCH ABOUT NOWADAYS IS KAREN.
SHE MARRIED A CANADIAN; HE'S A DENTIST.
THEY LIVE IN ALBERTA.
TWO LOVELY CHILDREN: GARY WHO'S THREE, LESLIE WHO'S SIX.
LESLIE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY THE SPITTING IMAGE OF KAREN.
DO YOU WAN TO SEE A PHOTO? OH, YES, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT.
THEY'RE A COUPLE OF LITTLE BASTARDS.
I HATE THEM.
THEY GOT EYES LIKE LITTLE PIGS JUST LIKE THEIR MOTHER.
SHE'S A DISASTER A REALLY HORRIBLE-LOOKING PERSON, SHE IS.
I THOUGHT THAT ONE WOULD STAY ON THE SHELF BUT ALONG COMES THIS STUPID DENTIST GIT.
HE'S A REAL CREEPY LITTLE BASTARD, HE IS.
I HATE HIM.
THIS IS A NICE AREA.
IT'S LIKE A BLOODY GRAVEYARD.
I HATE IT.
IT'S HANDY FOR THE SHOPS AND CONVENIEN FOR THE WEST END.
IF YOU LIKE GOING TO THE WEST END.
I THINK IT'S A STINKING DUMP.
MEANWHILE IN WASHINGTON, AT THE HEADQUARTERS OF "FEAR" THE FEDERAL EGG ANSWERING ROOM IN REALITY A FRONT NAME FOR "FEEBLE" THE FREE WORLD EXTRA-EARTHLY BODIES LOCATION AND EXTERMINATION CENTER ALL WAS NOT WELL.
GOOD GOD! GET ME THE SUPREME COMMANDER OF LAND, SEA AND AIR FORCES IMMEDIATELY! (Sousa's "Washington Post March"playing) (sniffing) (laughter) (sniffing) (sniffing) (buzzer sounds) HELLO.
Man: This is Captain Carpenter, sir, from FEAR.
YOU MEAN FEEBLE? Yes, sir.
WHAT IS IT? Mr.
Neutron is missing, sir.
MR.
NEUTRON?! OH, MY GOD! OKAY, SURROUND THE ENTIRE CITY.
SEND IN FOUR WAVES OF ARMED PARATROOPERS WITH FULL GROUND-TO-AIR MISSILE SUPPORT.
ALERT ALL AIR BASES, DESTROY ALL ROADS! WE'LL BOMB THE TOWN FLA IF WE HAVE TO! Sir, he's not in Washington, sir.
OKAY, OKAY, HOLD EVERYTHING, HOLD EVERYTHING! HOLD IT, HOLD IT! LAY OFF, LAY OFF, LAY OFF.
WHERE IS HE? We don't know, sir.
All we know is he checked out of his hotel and took a bus to the airport.
ALL RIGHT I WANT A FULL-SCALE RED ALERT THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
SURROUND EVERYONE WITH EVERYTHING WE GOT.
MOBILIZE EVERY FIGHTING UNI AND EVERY WEAPON WE CAN LAY OUR HANDS ON! I WANT I WANT THREE FULL-SCALE GLOBAL NUCLEAR ALERTS WITH EVERY ARMY, NAVY AND AIR FORCE UNIT ON ETERNAL STANDBY! Right, sir! AND INTRODUCE CONSCRIPTION! Yes, sir! RIGHT! (Sousa's "Washington Post March"playing) (sniffing) SO THE WORLD WAS IN THE GRIP OF FEAR; A HUGE AND TERRIFYING CRISIS GENERATED BY ONE MAN EASILY THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN HONESTLY.
THOUGH STILL BIDING HIS TIME, HE COULD STRIKE AT ANY MOMENT.
COULD HE BE STOPPED IN TIME? GOT A BIT OF WORK TO DO THERE, THEN.
YES, IT IS A PROBLEM.
MRS.
OTTERSHAW NEVER USED TO BOTHER THEN, OF COURSE, SHE WAS VERY OLD; SHE WAS 2O6.
WELL, MUST BE GOING.
IF YOU NEED A HAND, I'LL SEND FRANK ROUND.
HE COULD DO WITH A BIT OF EXERCISE.
(laughs shrilly) FAT OLD BASTARD.
(laughter) (buzzer sounds) YES.
Captain Carpenter here, sir.
We've been on red alert now for three days, sir and still no sign of Mr.
Neutron.
HAVE WE BOMBED ANYWHERE? HAVE WE SHOWN 'EM WE GOT TEETH? Oh, yes, sir, we've bombed a lot of places flat, sir.
GOOD, GOOD, WE DON'T WAN ANYONE TO THINK WE'RE CHICKEN.
Oh, no, they don't think that, sir.
Everyone's really scared of us, sir.
OF US? Yes, sir! OF OUR POWER? Oh, yes, sir! They're really scared when they see those big planes come over.
WOW! I BET THEY ARE.
(hooting): I BET THEY ARE.
I BET THEY'RE REALLY SCARED.
Oh, they are, sir.
DO WE HAVE ANY FIGURES ON HOW SCARED THEY ARE? Uh, no no figures, sir, but they sure were scared.
AH! BUT IT'S NOT WORKING? No, sir.
OKAY, WE'LL TRY ANOTHER TACTIC.
WE'LL TRY AND OUTSMAR THIS NEUTRON GUY.
YEAH, THERE'S ONE MAN I KNOW WHO COULD NAIL HIM.
One guy?! That won't frighten anyone, sir.
HE'S THE MOST BRILLIANT MAN I EVER MET.
WE WERE IN THE C.
I.
A.
TOGETHER.
HE'S RETIRED NOW.
HE BREEDS RABBITS UP IN THE YUKON.
What's his name, sir? HIS NAME IS TEDDY SALAD.
"Salad" as in LETTUCES, CUCUMBER, RADISHES YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
Where do I find him, sir? THE YUKON.
OH, AND CARPENTER Yes, sir? MAKE SURE YOU GE A DECENT DISGUISE.
("Finlandia" playing) (doorbell rings) (laughter) OH, UH, HELLO, MY NAME'S CARPENTER.
I'M FROM THE U.
S.
GOVERNMENT.
ARE YOU FROM THE ARMY? NO, NO, NO, NO I'M, UH I'M FROM THE BALLET.
THE U.
S.
GOVERNMENT BALLET.
THE BALLET! THE BALLET'S COMING HERE? UH WELL, MAYBE.
OH, THAT'S GREAT! WE LOVE THE BALLET.
LAST YEAR SOME OF US FROM YELLOW RIVER WE GOT UP A PARTY TO GO AND SEE THE BALLET IN MONTREAL.
LOOK, I I WAS WONDERING OH, WE HAD A MARVELOUS TIME.
IT WAS MARGOT FONTEYN DANCING LES SYLPHIDES.
OH, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
LOOK, DO YOU KNOW DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD SHE IS? WHO? MARGOT FONTEYN.
NO.
SHE'S 2O6.
OH WELL, LOOK, I HEAR THERE'S A U.
S.
BALLET ORGANIZER AROUND THESE PARTS BY THE NAME OF TEDDY SALAD.
YOU MEAN THE SPECIAL AGENT? WELL UH HE'S AN EX-CIA MAN; HE'S NOT A BALLET DANCER.
(tittering) OH, UH, WELL, I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM ON SOME BALLET BUSINESS.
OH, WELL, YOU COULD TRY THE STORE.
OH, THANK YOU.
HEY! COULD YOU GET US LIONEL BLAIR'S AUTOGRAPH? WHILE PRECIOUS TIME WAS BEING LOST IN CANADA THE SECONDS WERE TICKING AWAY FOR THE FREE WORLD.
ALREADY NEUTRON, WHO, YOU WILL REMEMBER IS INFINITELY THE MOS DANGEROUS MAN IN THE WORLD HE REALLY IS WAS GATHERING ALLIES TOGETHER.
TRY HAVING AN OMELE FOR YOUR EVENING MEAL PERHAPS WITH YOGUR AND GRAPEFRUIT.
OH, I'VE TRIED THAT.
I ONCE GOT DOWN TO 56 STONE BUT I COULDN'T STAY LIKE THAT.
I HAD TO TAKE POTATOES WHEREVER I WENT.
I USED TO GO TO THE CINEMA WITH 300-WEIGHT OF KING EDWARDS.
I'D EAT THEM ALL BEFORE I GOT OUT OF THE TOILET.
(laughter) I HAD TO GO ON TO BREAD.
WHAT ABOUT SALAD? TEDDY SALAD? NO, NO, NO SALAD AS IN LETTUCES, RADISHES, CUCUMBER.
Man: YOU DON'T LIKE IT? NO, I DIDN'T WAN TO EAT A SALAD.
I WANTED TO FIND OU ABOUT A MAN CALLED SALAD.
YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON TO ORDER A SALAD HERE FOR TWO YEARS.
ALL THE ESKIMOS EAT HERE IS FISH, FISH, FISH! WE ARE NO ESKIMOS.
WHERE'S OUR FISH? WE'VE FINISHED OUR FISH.
WHAT FISH YOU WANT TODAY, HUH? BREAM.
BREAM?! WHERE DO I GET BREAM THIS TIME OF YEAR? YOU BLOODY CHOOSY ESKIMO PESTS! WE ARE NOT ESKIMOS.
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE A NICE PLATE OF CANNELLONI? YECH! THAT'S NOT FISH.
OH, I'VE HAD MY LO OF THE ARCTIC CIRCLE.
I WISH I WAS BACK IN OLDHAM.
(slowly): DO ANY OF YOU ESKIMOS WE ARE NOT ESKIMOS.
I AM.
Innkeeper: HADDOCK! WHERE? WHERE? DO ANY OF YOU KNOW A MAN CALLED SALAD? WHAT, SALAD AS IN LETTUCE, CUCUMBERS, TOMATOES YEAH.
LIKE YOU HAVE ON YOUR PLATE? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.
WHERE'S OUR FISH? WHAT DOES THIS TEDDY SALAD DO? OH, UH HE'S A HE'S A HEN TEASER.
(laughter) CHE COSA? E LA STUCCIACATORI DI POLLI! NO, THE ONLY TEDDY SALAD WE KNOW IS A C.
I.
A.
MAN.
OH, UH, HE MIGHT KNOW.
(clamoring for fish) WHERE WILL I FIND HIM? OH, HE LIVES UP AT KIPPER SOUND.
THANKS A LOT.
All: FISHY FISHY AYE-OO! UM, ARE YOU IN INTERNATIONAL SPYING, TOO? UH NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M, UH I'M WITH THE, UH, THE, UH, THE U.
S.
BALLET FORCE.
WHO ARE YOU WITH? Ml6.
BUT NOT A WORD TO THE ESKIMOS.
FISHY FISHY AYE-OO! HERE'S YOUR BLOODY FISH.
THANK YOU, ANOUK.
I'M NOT AN ESKIMO! ("Finlandia" playing) HEY! HEY! HEY! HI, I'M CARPENTER OF THE U.
S.
BALLET.
HEY, GREA TO HAVE YOU AROUND.
THE LAST DECENT BALLE WE GOT AROUND HERE WAS BALLET RAMBERT.
ON THURSDAY THEY DID PETROUCHKA THEN ON SATURDAY THEY DID FILLE MAL GARDEE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS A BIT SLOW BUT IT SURE IS NICE TO SEE YOU, MR.
SALAD.
I AIN'T SALAD.
WHAT? YOU WANT TEDDY SALAD? YEAH.
(dogs yelping) Carpenter: I DON'T SEE ANYONE.
THE ONE ON THE END, ON THE RIGHT.
THAT'S SALAD.
THAT'S A DOG.
NO, ONLY BITS OF IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LISTEN, TEDDY SALAD IS THE MOS BRILLIANT AGEN THE C.
I.
A.
EVER HAD, ALL RIGHT? RIGHT.
THAT'S HOW HE MADE HIS NAME DISGUISE! THAT'S INCREDIBLE! YEAH, HE HAD TO SLIM DOWN TO 1½ POUNDS TO GE INTO THAT COSTUME.
HE CUT 18 INCHES OFF EACH ARM AND OVER THREE FEE OFF EACH LEG.
THE MOST BRILLIAN SURGEON IN EUROPE STUCK THAT TAIL ON.
WHAT ABOUT THE HEAD? ALL OF THE HEAD WAS REMOVED APART FROM THE EYES AND THE BRAIN IN ORDER TO FI INTO THE COSTUME.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE! DO YOU WAN TO TALK TO HIM? YEAH, SURE.
LET'S MOVE OVER TO THOSE TREES OVER THERE.
ANYONE MIGH BE WATCHING.
MR.
SALAD THERE'S A MR.
CARPENTER TO SEE YOU.
WHAT DOES HE SAY? DO YOU HAVE A BONE? HERE, IT'S ALL PAR OF THE DISGUISE.
OKAY, TEDDY, HERE'S THE BONE.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GO HIS TRUST NOW.
YOU CAN TALK TO HIM.
SIR SIR MR.
SALAD SIR, I'VE COME DIREC FROM THE COMMANDER OF LAND, SEA AND AIR FORCES.
THERE'S A PRETTY DANGEROUS SITUATION, SIR.
MR.
NEUTRON IS MISSING.
THE GENERAL SAYS YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'LL KNOW WHERE TO FIND HIM.
WHAT'S HE SAY? UH, HE WANTS TO GO WALKIES.
WALKIES? YEAH, HE'S RIGH INTO IT TODAY.
DO YOU MIND TAKING HIM FOR WALKIES? WHILE CARPENTER TOOK THE MOST BRILLIANT AGEN THE C.
I.
A.
EVER HAD FOR WALKIES EVENTS IN THE WORLD'S CAPITALS WERE MOVING FAST.
("Rule, Britannia" playing) (playing lyrical piece badly) (laughter) (intercom buzzes) Woman: The Secretary of State to see you, Prime Minister.
VERY WELL, SHOW HIM IN.
PRIME MINISTER.
OH, DO TAKE A SEAT.
Woman: OH! (laughter) WE'VE JUST HAD THE SUPREME COMMANDER, U.
S.
FORCES ON THE PHONE.
APPARENTLY, THEY WAN A FULL-SCALE RED ALERT.
THEY WHAT? THEY WAN A FULL-SCALE RED ALERT.
EVERY TROOP MOVEMENT IT'S ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT GIUSEPPE.
REALLY.
I SEE WELL, APPARENTLY THE WHOLE STRUCTURE OF WORLD PEACE IS THREATENED (in Italian accent): YOUR ANNIVERSARY, SIGNORE? UH NO, NO, NO, GIUSEPPE, NOT NOW.
YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T THE LADY? NO, NO.
OH, SIGNORA, MY MISTAKE! FINE, FINE.
I PLAY FOR YOU, MY MISTAKE.
MY MISTAKE, I HAVE MADE MY MISTAKE! WHAT A DREADFUL MISTAKE IS THIS MISTAKE THAT I MAKE! MY MISTAKE GIUSEPPE, DO YOU MIND PLAYING OVER THERE? OH, VERY WELL, SIGNORE, BUT I PLAY ONLY FOR YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL COMPANION.
MY MISTAKE WELL, WE THINK THIS MR.
NEUTRON IS LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THE LONDON AREA.
WE MUST FIND HIM AND EXTERMINATE HIM.
THE AMERICANS SAY IF WE DON'T, THEY WILL.
WHAT?! (yelling): THE AMERICANS SAY IF WE DON'T, THEY WILL! IF HE DOESN' KNOW WHAT?! THEY'LL BOMB THE ENTIRE LONDON AREA! WE'D BETTER GE OUT OF HERE! THEY WON'T BOMB HERE.
ARE YOU SURE? SURE.
RIGHT.
WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO START? WELL, APPARENTLY, THEY HAVEN'T GOT NEUTRON YE BUT WHEN THEY DO, THEY'RE GOING TO I HAVE MADE MY MISTAKE WHAT?! THEY'RE GOING TO SEND A WAVE OF BOMBERS! WHAT A DREADFUL MISTAKE WELL, DID HE TELL YOU ANYTHING? OH, NO, NO.
WE CHASED STICKS WE CHASED A FEW REINDEER.
OH, YOU BEEN CHASING REINDEER, HAVE YOU? YOU'RE A NAUGHTY BOY, EH? LOOK, WE HAVEN' GOT MUCH TIME.
HE HASN'T GIVEN ME ANY INFORMATION YET.
OKAY, LOOK, TELL YOU WHAT THEN, LET'S EAT.
YOU GIVE HIM ONE OF YOUR MEATBALLS HE'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING, OKAY? OKAY.
WAIT A MINUTE, HE'S TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.
(man's voice): CARPENTER AH CARPENTER YES, MR.
SALAD? CAN YOU HEAR ME? YEAH, YEAH IT'S JUST IT'S SO GODDAMNED PAINFUL IN HERE.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? IT'S MR.
NEUTRON, SIR HE'S GONE MISSING.
THE SUPREME COMMANDER WANTS YOU TO TAKE CHARGE.
I OH, GOD I I YES, MR.
SALAD? I I'VE GOT TO GO WALKIES AGAIN.
(intercom buzzes) Woman: Still no sign of Captain Carpenter, sir or Mr.
Neutron.
OKAY.
WE'LL BOMB NEUTRON OUT.
GET ME MOSCOW, PEKING, AND SHANKLIN, ISLE OF WIGHT! AND SO THE GREAT POWERS AND THE PEOPLE OF SHANKLIN, ISLE OF WIGH DREW THEIR NE IN EVER-TIGHTENING CIRCLES AROUND THE MOST DANGEROUS THREAT TO PEACE THE WORLD HAS EVER FACED.
THEY BOMBED CAIRO, BANGKOK CAPE TOWN, BUENOS AIRES, HARROW HAMMERSMITH, STEPNEY, WANDSWORTH AND ENFIELD BUT ALWAYS IT WAS THE WRONG PLACE.
(man over loudspeaker): SORRY, ENFIELD.
WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE CAUSED BY OUR BOMBING.
SORRY.
(bombs exploding) BUT WHAT OF MR.
NEUTRON THE MOST FEARFULLY DANGEROUS MAN IN THE WORLD THE MAN WHO COULD DESTROY ENTIRE GALAXIES WITH HIS WRIS THE MAN WHO COULD TEAR FRUIT MACHINES APAR WITH HIS EYEBALLS? HE HAD NOT BEEN IDLE.
IN FACT, HE HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THE LADY WHO DOES FOR MRS.
ENTRAIL.
(laughter) OH, HELLO, MR.
N.
TERRIBLE ABOUT ENFIELD, ISN'T IT? IT'S ALL GONE; SO IS STAINES.
LOVELY SHOPS THEY USED TO HAVE IN STAINES AND STANMORE, WHERE THE A.
A.
OFFICES USED TO BE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'LL PAY OUR A.
A.
SUBSCRIPTIONS TO NOW.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE'LL PAY OUR A.
A.
SUBSCRIPTIONS TO NOW, MR.
N? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE A.
A.
, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
OH, YES, EVER SINCE THE CORSAIR BROKE DOWN IN LEYTONSTONE.
THEY TOWED IT ALL THE WAY TO DEAUVILLE F.
O.
C.
YES, YOU KNOW F.
O.
C FREE OF CHARGE.
WELL, MY HUSBAND KEN K.
E.
N HE SAID OH, FORGET ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
OR MAY I CALL YOU "MRS.
S?" YOU CAN CALL ME "LINDA" IF YOU LIKE.
NO, I'D RATHER CALL YOU "MRS.
S.
" OH.
AND YOU CAN CALL ME "MR.
N.
" WELL, THAT'S WHA I WAS CALLING YOU.
MRS.
S.
, THERE IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
YES, MR.
N? I HAVE JUST WON A KELLOGG'S CORN FLAKE COMPETITION.
OH, MR.
N.
, THAT'S WONDERFUL! I GOT THE BALL IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT PLACE.
THE PRIZE IS £5,000 IN CASH OR AS MUCH ICE CREAM AS YOU CAN EAT.
£5,000! I WAS THINKING OF TAKING THE ICE CREAM.
OH, NO! IT'S BEEN SO HOT RECENTLY.
YOU COULDN'T EAT THA MUCH ICE CREAM, MR.
N.
MRS.
S.
, I CAN EA ENORMOUS QUANTITIES OF ICE CREAM WITHOUT BEING SICK.
NO, NO, TAKE THE £5,000! PLEASE TAKE THE £5,000! I WAS THINKING IF WE GOT MARRIED OH, YES.
WE COULD USE THE £5,000 TO BUY A SPOON.
OH, WE COULD BUY A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
AND THEN FILL UP WITH ICE CREAM.
OH, FORGET ABOU THE ICE CREAM; WE NEED THE MONEY.
WE NEED NOTHING, FOR THERE IS SOMETHING I HAVE NOT TOLD YOU, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
OH, PLEASE, CALL ME "MRS.
S.
" NO, I WOULD RATHER GO BACK TO CALLING YOU MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
I AM THE MOS POWERFUL MAN IN THE UNIVERSE.
THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT DO.
OH, MR.
N.
I WANT YOU TO BE MY HELPMATE.
AS TARZAN HAD HIS JANE, AS NAPOLEON HAD HIS JOSEPHINE AS FRANKIE LAINE HAD WHOEVER HE HAD (laughter) I WANT YOU TO HELP ME IN MY PLAN TO DOMINATE THE WORLD.
OH, MR.
N.
, THA I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY! YOU'RE NOT JEWISH, ARE YOU? (laughter) ANOTHER TIME WAS WHEN I AS IN CAIRO I WAS DISGUISED AS A WATER HYDRANT.
THE WHOLE TOP PAR OF MY HEAD HAD BEEN REMOVED AND PLEASE, MR.
SALAD YOU MUST TELL US WHERE NEUTRON IS.
AND I FUNCTIONED, DO YOU HEAR? I REALLY WORKED.
I COULD PUT OUT A FIRE.
MIND YOU, IT HURT A BIT.
PLEASE, MR.
SALAD, THERE ISN'T MUCH TIME.
WHERE IS NEUTRON? OKAY, GIVE ME ANOTHER MEATBALL, AND I'LL TELL YOU.
(laughter) (Salad grunting and chewing) OKAY, LISTEN CAREFULLY.
I WON'T REPEAT THIS, YOU UNDERSTAND? YES, YES, QUICK.
I KNOW WHERE NEUTRON IS RIGHT NOW.
I KNOW THE EXACT ADDRESS AND THE EXACT HOUSE AND THE EXACT ROAD.
OKAY, WHERE IS IT? HE'S NOT IN AMERICA.
NO? HE'S NOT IN ASIA.
NO? HE'S NOT IN AUSTRALIA.
NO? HE'S IN YES? EUROPE.
YES? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE IN EUROPE? YES! OKAY, OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU! HE'S IN ENGLAND, IN LONDON AT NUMBER 19 OKAY, THAT'S THE YUKON, WHAT'S LEFT? Secretary: Only Ruislip, the Gobi Desert, and your office, sir.
OKAY, WE'LL STAR WITH MY OFFICE.
ANKWAT I ODR INKERAT, GOBI DESERT ULVERSTON ROAD BOX.
(speaking gibberish) I WILL TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ALL THIS, MRS.
S.
C.
U.
M.
OH, MR.
N.
, I'D FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE.
WE WILL HAVE TWO WEEKS IN BENIDORM.
OH, YES, YES.
AND I WILL MAKE YOU THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
(pulsating tone) (laughter) OOH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
OH, MR.
N.
, YOU HAVE MADE MY HEART SING.
LATE IN LIFE'S PAGEANT IT MAY BE BUT YOU HAVE MADE ROSES BLOOM ANEW FOR ME.
LIFE'S RICH HARVES IS BEING SHUT UP, MRS.
S.
, WE MUST HURRY! OH, I I'D BETTER LEAVE A NOTE FOR KEN; HE'LL BE EXPECTING US.
HAS MR.
NEUTRON ESCAPED IN TIME? IS THE WORLD UTTERLY DESTROYED? HOW CAN MR.
NEUTRON AND HIS CHILD BRIDE SURVIVE? WILL HIS MIGHTY POWERS BE OF ANYA VAIL AGAINST THE HOLOCAUST? STA Y TUNED TO THIS CHANNEL.
HELLO.
WELL, IN FACT, WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT THEY ARE SAVED BY MR.
NEUTRON'S MIGHTY POWERS JUST AS THE LAST BOMB FALLS ON RUISLIP.
HOWEVER, THE EARTH HAS BEEN BLOWN OFF ITS AXIS AND IN A MOST DRAMATIC AND DANGEROUS AND EXPENSIVE SEQUENCE IT SPINS OFF INTO SPACE.
THERE ARE APPALLINGLY EXPENSIVE SCENES OF DEVASTATION AND HORROR AND THE FINAL INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE CLIMAX IS REACHED AS THOUSANDS OF APE MONSTERS IN VERY EXPENSIVE COSTUMES DESCEND FROM THE SKY ONTO THESE PLUG UP A WHOLE CITY WHICH HAD TO BE SPECIALLY BUIL AND FLING THEM ALL INTO THE SEA VERY EXPENSIVELY.
AND WE CAN SEE THOSE VERY EXPENSIVE SCENES RIGHT NOW.
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) JUST AFTER THE CREDITS HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH.
INCIDENTALLY, THESE ARE GOING TO BE SOME OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE AND LAVISH SCENES EVER FILMED BY THE BBC IN CON JUNCTION WITH TIME-LIFE, OF COURSE.
(laughter) THERE ARE SOME OF THE TECHNICAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN FILMING THESE VERY EXPENSIVE SCENES.
THE SOUND VERY EXPENSIVE SOUND EXPENSIVE VISUAL EFFECTS THERE EXPENSIVE PRODUCTION ASSISTAN EXPENSIVE DESIGNER CHEAP DIRECTOR.
WELL, WE'RE GOING TO SEE THOSE VERY EXPENSIVE SCENES RIGHT NOW.
OH, COME ON YOU CAN GIVE US ANOTHER MINUTE, MR.
COTTON, PLEASE.
(laughter) GOOD EVENING.
(laughter) LAST WEEK WE LEARNED HOW TO SAW A LADY IN HALF.
THIS WEEK WE'RE GOING TO LEARN HOW TO SAW A LADY IN THREE BITS AND DISPOSE OF THE BODY WHOA! LOOK, LOOK, IF YOU CAN PUT ON RUBBISH LIKE THA AND "HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW" YOU CAN AFFORD US ANOTHER MINUTE, MR.
COTTON, PLEASE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS LOAD OF OLD WORLD DOMINATION T-SHIRTS ARE AVAILABLE FROM THE BBC, WORLD DOMINATION DEPARTMENT, CARDIFF.
(loud crash) (laughter)