Mork and Mindy (1978) s04e05 Episode Script

I don't believe it.
Our baby is a full-grown man.
Things like this just don't happen in the Midwest.
I know.
I'll call Dad.
He'll know what to do.
Oh, no, he won't.
That child is astounding.
Absolutely phenomenal.
This is the first time a baby has ever given me a perfect footprint for the birth certificate.
Look at that beauty.
Not a smudge on it.
Great, Exidor.
That's Dr.
Exidor.
Now, I know you have a lot of questions for your pediatrician.
This has got to be the most bizarre thing that's ever happened in my entire life.
Don't you think that baby is unusually large? Baby? What baby? Why wasn't I consulted? I'm talking about our baby.
The distinguished-looking gentleman in the diaper.
Oh, him.
Rather unique.
He seems so alien.
I wonder if there's anything Earthling about him.
Why do new parents always ask that question? Your baby is half-Orkan.
That means he's aging backwards, and he has three hearts.
But he does have some human characteristics.
For instance, he seems to enjoy a good story.
What? Oh, Mind.
Mind, I'm a mother.
Huzzah, huzzah! Here, have one.
They're Tiparillo lights.
Oh, I couldn't have done it without you.
I couldn't have even lifted him without you.
This has just all happened so fast.
I really think we need to talk about this.
Alone.
I suppose I'm not invited to dinner either.
Well, I've got to finish my paper for the medical journal.
Anyway, I'm going to be the best dance critic they ever had.
Oh, Mind, I have to admit, he's the most beautiful child you've ever seen.
Mind, wait till you see the little overalls I got him.
He looks just like Lester Maddox on steroids.
Yeah, he's cute, Mork, in a mature sort of way, but our baby isn't exactly what I was expecting.
Oh, we'll have a girl next time, Mind.
No, that's not what I meant.
Mork, he's different.
I mean, he has the body of a 50-year-old and the mind of an infant.
Well, you said you always liked Jerry Lewis.
Mork, having a child is difficult under normal circumstances, but, Mork, rhinos have smaller babies.
Mind, do I sense a little note of trepidation there? Now, come on, now, he's a little helpless innocent child.
- Well - Come, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Let's go.
Come on.
No, he's just a little nooter.
Mind.
Mind.
Mind, he can walk.
Mork, he can destroy.
Oh, isn't it amazing? Isn't he magnificent? I mean, who ever stood after being only an hour old? Black Beauty.
There you go.
Come to Mama.
Come on, there we go.
Another one for Baby News.
One more, there we go.
There's one.
There One for Parents' World.
There's another.
There.
Now, a little nother one.
There we go.
Oh, good, good.
There we go.
There.
Playboy.
One for Playboy.
There we go.
Oh, that's okay.
After Dark.
One for After Dark.
Oh, little pooter, little pooter.
Neener-neener-neener.
Ha, ha.
Oh, Mind.
Oh, isn't he the most beautiful? Oh, little pooter, come on, now, pucker up.
Come over here.
Oh, there we go.
Whoa! Oh, Mind, isn't he beautiful? I mean, he's got your eyes and Charles Bronson's beard.
Yeah.
Now, make nice, make nice.
There.
Hi there.
I'm your, uh, father.
Heh.
Oh, that's nice.
I think I've thought of a name for him, Mind.
- Oh Ow! - No, no.
Here's the name.
Here's the name.
You combine Mork, Mindy and Earth equals Mearth.
Mearth.
Mearth McConnell.
- Well, it is unusual.
- Right.
But then, so is he.
Heh, heh.
There you go.
No, you have to bite off the tip first.
No! No, he'll choke on that.
No, Mearth.
Mearth, Mearth, Mearth, look over there.
Mearth, look.
No, no, no.
He hasn't eaten since he arrived.
What do you think he eats? I don't know.
He's got all of his teeth.
Maybe a little beef jerky.
Oh, no, I think he'd rather eat my comforter.
No, no.
No, no.
No, Mind, Mind, Mind.
No.
No, Mind, I think he wants the flowers in the comforter, not the comforter.
- Are you sure? - I know my own son, Mind.
Here we go.
Look.
Hare Krishna, Hare Lama Hare Krishna Hey there No.
Ah, ha, ha.
Oh.
Mm.
Let's hope there are no bees on there.
- Mm.
Mm.
- Ah.
Ah.
Bathe the baby, bathe the baby.
I told Mork he wouldn't fit in the sink.
- Who is it? - It's me, honey.
Oh, hi.
Look at you.
Well, I'm just on my way to play a little Dixieland.
- Oh, yeah? - So how's the new bride doing? Oh, great.
Heh, heh.
Oh, that's an interesting piece of sculpture.
Is it a wedding gift? Oh, no, it's not a present.
Actually, it's a piece of a great big eggshell.
What was in it, a Buick? Close.
Well, I guess there's no putting this off any longer.
I've got something to tell you.
And I think you better take this sitting down.
Well, okay, honey, fire away.
Okay.
Let's see, how should I put this? Remember when I was 11 and you told me where babies came from? Yes.
You lied.
Well, now, Mindy, I may have glossed over a few major details, but I never lied.
Right, that's true.
We've always been truthful with each other, so I'm just gonna lay this right out.
See, for some strange Orkan reason, Mork got pregnant, laid an egg, and now we're parents.
Heh.
Boy, I'm glad that's over with.
Uh, are you trying to tell me that I'm the grandfather of a chicken? No.
No, no, no, it's a baby.
It's a 6-foot 225-pound middle-aged baby named Mearth.
Are you serious? Dad, don't fall apart on me.
You're the only one I can talk to about this.
- Are you serious? - I know it's a shock.
It was for me too.
I mean, where am I gonna find size 46 Pampers? Where is he? Oh.
Oh, um, uh Mork took him to the park for lunch.
They're grazing in a flower bed.
Heh.
Good.
Come on.
- To the park? - No, we're going to the airport.
By tomorrow morning, you can be in Brazil.
Dad, I'm not gonna run away.
I mean, he's my son.
I know it's kind of weird now, but I'm sure in enough time, I'll grow to love every hair on his chest.
Won't I? Well, honey, if that's what you wanna do.
Oh, sure, you will, honey.
Now, you never were afraid of new experiences.
I mean, you married an alien and you went to another planet, and you were the first girl in Boulder to play Little League baseball.
Thanks.
I hope you're right.
You have to realize that most squirrels don't normally fly like that.
My God, it is true.
Say hi to Grandpops.
There we go.
Say "Hi, Grandpa.
" There you go.
Neener-ner.
Quick, Mindy, call Air Brazil.
Well, there he goes again, every hour, on the hour, just like clockwork.
Yep.
Well, I'll give him his bottle.
But this time, you burp him.
I think I threw my shoulder out.
Oh, no.
Look, Mork, he tossed out his bottle again.
Here's your bottle.
There you go.
Powdered.
Powdered? It's not powder, it's He spoke! Oh, Mind, he's a genius.
Our little baby can talky-awky.
Don't patronize me.
Where would he learn such big words? Well, William F.
Buckley was hosting The Muppets this evening.
Let me see the quality, the porcine and porcupine quality, of the tiny bubbles as the hands motivate the motion.
Mearth, watch Daddy.
Mearth, what's Daddy bouncing on? - What is it? - Tush.
I was shooting for bed, but he's right.
Of course he is, Mind.
He's half a superior being.
What? All right.
And who are you? - Who are you? - Mearth.
- And who am I? - Mommy.
Oh.
Mind, I feel just like Anne Bancroft in The Miracle Worker.
And now the big question, no pressure, though.
- Who's this? - Mm - Shoe.
- Shoe? Hey, isn't that wonderful, Mind? His first non sequitur.
- Mork, he called me "Shoe.
" - Funny, you don't look Shoeish.
Oh.
Come on, now.
Come on, now, my little Mearth, my little whiz kid.
Say "Daddy.
" Daddy.
Tired.
Mind, he's bilingual.
Great, he's bilingual.
You're Mommy and I'm Shoe.
Don't worry about it, Mind.
He still loves you.
Besides, he'll be up again in another hour and we'll try again.
- Good night, hon.
- Good night.
Night, Mearth.
You know, Mork, now that he's talking, we're gonna have to be careful no one finds out he's an A-L-I-E-N.
If anyone should find out that Whoa! Mind, what are you doing on the floor? Looks like I got squeezed out.
- I just wanted to cuddle.
- Aw.
He's just afraid, Mind.
We saw The Shining today, remember? I don't wanna go now.
Oh, that's all right.
There's not room for the three of us.
I'll sleep on the couch.
Oh, no, no, no, you do the honors.
I'll be more comfortable on the couch.
- Night, Mork.
- Night, Mind.
- Night, Mearth.
- Night, Shoe.
Come in.
Mork, what happened? Have you been robbed? No, Mearth and I were just playing Morkie Dearest.
Three-hundred-dollar dress on a wire hanger? - Let me untie you.
- No, no, no, that's all right.
It's the only way I can sit through Phil Donahue.
I see.
You know, Mork, little Mearth I mean, big Mearth kind of took me by surprise, but the bottom line is, I am his grandfather.
He's my grandson, so it's about time I started spoiling him.
- Oh, football.
He's gonna love that.
- No, Mork, it's baseball.
I knew that.
That's what you do before you start selling coffee machines.
Well, okay.
So where's the bride? Oh, Pops, you'll be so proud of her.
Perfect American father.
She comes home late, never plays with the kids, and brings in the paycheck.
Uh, Mork, I don't think you understand what a good father is.
You see, good fathers wanna be there as much as they can be.
- Oh.
- It's wonderful to watch your children grow up, and it's It's wrong that she's missing it.
Oh.
On third thought, Pops, I guess you're right.
If it wasn't for Mr.
Sternhagen forcing her nose down to the grindstone, she'd be here right now.
- What are you talking about? - He asked her to work the night shift.
Oh, well, no, he didn't, Mork.
Didn't Mindy tell you that she volunteered for the night shift? Oh.
I feel like I've gotta sit down.
Oh, you are sitting.
Just bend your legs.
How convenient.
Oh, Mindy asked to work the night shift? - Do you know what that means? - I'm afraid I do.
Will you tell me? All right, Mork, I'll try.
Uh I think Mindy is confused and apprehensive about being a parent to Mearth.
What she needs is time to be close to the child, and then love will take care of the rest.
Oh.
You're right, Pops.
No house of mine's gonna become a broken home.
No way.
Whoa, Houdini, watch out.
Mearth, come on, now.
We're gonna go find Mindy.
Well, give me a head start.
It's gonna take me a while.
Uh, Mork, you're not gonna let him go out like that.
Oh, you're right.
Mearth, go put on your jacket.
Well, isn't this an exciting feature? We'll be back after this commercial to the KTNS Science Fiction Festival and the dramatic conclusion of It Came From Diablo Canyon.
Here we go, come on in.
Mind, I got here as fast as I could.
Mork, what are you doing here? And why is Mearth up so late? I have to make a report to O-R-S-O-N.
- About what? - Sagittarian women.
What? Wait.
- Mind, I can't talk.
- You can't leave him here like this.
Take care of him.
Take care of him.
I'll be right back.
Hi, Mearth.
Heh.
So, Mearth, where did Mommy take you for lunch today? To a Japanese restaurant, and I had tempura and sashimi and bonsai tree.
Bonsai tree? Oh, yeah, that sounds nutritious.
So, what do you think of where Daddy works? Pathetic.
I have better stuff than this in my room.
Fake.
No, no, no, don't touch that.
Oh, no.
Oh, Mearth.
Mearth.
Daddy didn't mean to scare you.
It's just that Daddy's rocket ship is not a toy.
When's Mommy coming back? Well, soon, I hope.
Mearth, you have on your pitcher's mitt upside down.
Here, let me help you.
Did Mommy teach you how to play baseball? No? You put it on right Give me your Here, give me your hand.
No.
Mearth, look over there.
Now, give me your hand.
Help me.
Want me to teach you how to play catch? Yeah? Okay.
Come over here and Daddy will teach you how to play catch.
Whew.
Mearth.
Mearth, we're gonna I'm gonna throw the ball, and you catch it, okay? Okay? Now, you keep your eye on the ball.
Mearth, watch the ball and catch the ball.
Here you go.
One, two, three.
Oh! Mearth, look over there.
What's that? What's that over there? Yeah.
We're gonna try this again.
Whew.
Oh, that's all right.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
This time I'm gonna throw it, and you catch it in the mitt, okay? You catch it in the mitt.
Okay? Here we go.
Watch the ball.
One, two, three.
Ooh.
And they call this the national pastime? Mearth.
This time, Daddy knows you're gonna catch the ball.
Put the mitt like this, okay? Here we go.
One, two, three.
- Oh, he caught the ball! - Oh! Ah! Daddy.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - What'd you say? - Daddy.
That's great, son.
- You did real good.
Wanna try again? - No.
Room for one more? Mork, I'll bet there wasn't an emergency at all, was there? Yes, there was, Mind.
You didn't feel part of the family.
I guess I have been running away.
But you know what? I'm gonna quit this night job so I can spend all my time with you two.
Oh, this is a wonderful moment.
We're so much happier than the Jeffersons.
You know what would make me really happy? If Mearth would call me Mommy.
Mearth? Mearth.
Mommy, Mearth.
- Mommy.
- Mommy.
- Mommy.
- Mm-hm.
Daddy.
Shoe.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Grandioseness.
Hello, Mork.
You seem to be in an unusually good mood.
Hitting the ginger ale again? Oh, no, sir.
I'm high on life.
Just hold on to your fish sticks.
I had a baby boy.
A baby? What a completely outdated concept.
Oh, sir, come on, now.
I know you're gonna love him because judging by your size, he could be yours.
Sir, I just happen to have a few photographs here with me.
Can I show them to you, please? Here they go.
Eh-ee.
Here he is at 2 hours old.
He seems very alert for a child his age.
Oh, yes, sir.
Eh-ee.
Here is his first piggyback ride.
And here's a family portrait.
Eh-ee.
This one was snapped just before we were airborne.
Well, Mork, I must admit, he is rather exceptional.
Oh, sir, I'm glad you think so.
Because Mindy and I want you to be the godfather.
Me? Absolutely not.
I am not getting involved in your barbaric Earthling matters.
Oh, I see.
He does look a little like me, doesn't he? Well, sir, especially around the equator.
Oh, a check.
Oh, thank you, godfather.
Mm-mm.
Oh, sir.
Oh, this will assure him of a college education, or at least a hamburger and some onion rings.
Until next week, sir, na-no.
A buck thirty? Such a big man, and he gives so little.