Mount Pleasant (2011) s04e05 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 5
He hasn't gone back there to work for him.
He's gone back to end it.
You're just some idiot to get us out of there when things go tits up.
I'm glad you found someone, Rev.
I did used to worry about you.
We're not a couple! I kinda need to tell you something.
What? I've sort of not quite been Oh, it's Robbie Johnson all right, no question.
I'm not quite such a loser yet that I have to go begging for money off a girl who once worked for me! Where are you going? To my mum's.
We did have a normal life once, didn't we? No, it's pretty much always been like this.
It's not up for discussion.
We're having one and that's that.
We're not dinner party people! You might not be.
Dad, we are having a dinner party tonight.
Me, you, Dan, Robbie, Pauline.
The whole family.
See reason! It's Saturday night! Got To Dance is on.
You know how much me and Baz like watching that.
# Everybody dance now! Everybody dance now! Look at his little face! You can't take that away from him! Never mind, Dan.
We can get it on catch up.
Shut up! Do you know why we're having a dinner party? Every night this week, you've come home moaning on about what Robbie has or hasn't done at work all day.
So? So from now on in this house, we're promoting family harmony.
You can't cook! Can cook, will cook.
Family dinner, tonight and that's the end of it.
But I I said, that is the end of it.
I'll be doing the cooking, won't I? Yeah.
You are, Dad.
Thanks.
Yeah.
It's not his fault, you know? No.
Just following orders.
What's this? That's where your dad kept his gun.
His what?! It's not there now.
Which means he must have taken it with him.
What are we going to do? I'll tell you what we're not going to do.
We're not going to sit around worrying about what might be happening.
I've done enough of that over the years.
That may have been my life, but it's not going to be yours.
From now on, we're planning our own future.
Me and you, regardless of what happens.
Morning, big bro.
We do have a doorbell, you know? Course you do, always first with the latest mod-cons, you.
Are you watching Spongebob? No.
I was flicking.
Has Spongebob finished? All right, Robbie? Barry.
Oh, hello, didn't hear the door.
Pauline not with you? No, she's off in town trying to find somewhere with free Wi-Fi so she can chat to Dad.
Apparently next door changed their password.
No sense of fair play some people.
Hey, has Dan told you about the party? Party? Don't get too excited.
Dinner party.
Tonight.
Lisa wants you and Mum there.
Say no if you're busy.
No, nothing I can't cancel.
Well, it's not for another eight hours, so don't feel you have to hang around.
Actually I'd just popped in to see if you had my wages? I haven't got any cash on me.
You got 200 quid out last night, remember.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
I'd forgotten about that.
Where's my cassock? I put it through the wash.
You did what?! You'd left it in a pile on the floor.
Yes, I know I did! That's where I keep it! God, what am I going to do? I've got a wedding this morning! What am I meant to wear? A onesie? I put it through the wash last night! And I was up at eight ironing it for you! I do wish you'd leave my things alone, Bianca.
You don't have to run round after me like I'm some sort of a surrogate husband or something.
He didn't mean it, Bianca.
He wasn't thinking.
No.
He wasn't.
So this dinner party thing.
I can bring a date, can I? I didn't know you'd been seeing someone? I haven't, but I don't want to be the only one there without a partner.
Me and Pauline aren't partners! Ah, you're the same generation - that's as good as.
You're going to get a date with half a day's notice? Yeah.
Piece of cake.
I think we'll hold off laying that extra place just yet.
That sounds to me like a challenge.
Care to make it interesting? You're on.
Dan! Right.
Couldn't run us back to Mum's, could you? No, I couldn't.
You walked here.
Walk back.
Oh, of course he can.
Ignore him.
You've got to pop to the shop anyway.
These are the ingredients for one of Barry's Mexican specials.
I thought you were doing the cooking? I am doing the cooking.
This is an ancient family recipe that my father has bequeathed to me.
Bequeathed? Yes.
Bequeathed.
I did, Dan.
I bequeathed it.
Great! Whenever you're ready then, Dan? OK, before you start, I am so sorry.
I shouldn't have snapped at you.
I was totally in the wrong.
It's all my fault.
Now, when are you coming home? Of course I care! Only is it going to be any time soon? Because Josh has got this stupid nursery party thing and I don't know any of the parents.
Oh, I see.
So I'm OK to do all the mummy baby stuff, am I? Just so long as I know my place and don't try and help out with the grown-up financially things.
It's not like that.
Then what is it Then what is it like, Fergus? Look, Denise.
I get it.
I know you think this is all about me trying to be the big strong alpha male.
Not really.
Oh.
Well good.
That's good.
Because I'm not I mean, it's not.
Look, despite what I said, I don't mind having a girlfriend who earns more money than me.
In fact, I love it.
But that two grand I lost, that was MY mistake, which means I have to be the one to fix it.
I have to make it back myself.
It's a pride thing, see? That's always been my weakness.
Too much damn pride.
Are those my slippers? Couldn't find mine.
You all right, mate? Not especially.
I saw your brother here earlier.
Yeah, just had to run him home.
Want to get my business cards changed.
Dan Johnson - plumbing, taxi-service and personal shopper.
Dinner party tonight.
I'd invite you but you know I quite like you.
So, erm is everything all right with him, then? Who? Robbie.
Yeah.
Why do you ask? I got your nose! I got your nose! No.
I was never impressed with that much either.
Hey, gringos! What are you doing? I always wear this when I'm cooking Mexican.
Yeah.
But I want Dan to think I'm doing the cooking.
Well.
You wear it, then.
Ah.
You find that funny, do you? I'm going to kill him!! This time I am ACTUALLY going to kill him! Who are you killing, Dan? Who do you think?! That witless, feckless brother of mine! Dinner is OFF! I'm sure Greg's got the wrong end of the stick.
He said this guy was taking photos? He was probably an estate agent - number 12's up for sale, isn't it? No.
No.
He distinctly heard him say Robbie on the phone.
"Robbie" does sound a bit like "property".
There you go.
What do you mean "there you go"? And will you take that off? It wasn't an estate agent.
I'm telling you, it'll be exactly what it sounds like - a private investigator.
Don't be daft.
Why would a private investigator be after Robbie? I can think of a million reasons! The most likely one being debt.
He's certainly got form for that.
It's not even him I'm arsed about.
It's me mum.
If this guy's tracked him here, it won't be long before he's outside her house an' all.
You've never seen her at her worst.
She's like Teflon with most things, but when it comes to Robbie I'm going to have a word with him.
Find out exactly what's going on before she does.
What you doing? Coming with you.
I'm not having you going round there shouting the odds when there's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.
You see?! This is what he does! This is how he ALWAYS gets away with it! One week turning on the charm and suddenly everyone's leaping to his defence.
I'm not leaping to anything.
I just want to make sure you hear him out.
Good looks and charm have got nothing to do with it.
Who said anything about good looks? I thought you did? No.
I didn't.
Er shall I start preparing dinner? Yes, please, Dad! Yes.
Thank you.
What? I'll take over when I get back.
There's one of Lisa with her, look.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And here's one of Dan asleep on the sofa with her, see? Little bit of dribble.
Probably just the way he was laying.
Yeah, good that one.
You can't see any of these without your contacts, can you? I can't, no.
Well, maybe it's about time you got off your arse and came back to meet her in person, then? Would that I could, Pauline, would that I could.
But it's the fans, see? Can't let them down.
Some of 'em have waited 30 year for us to bring a bit of glitz and glamour back into their lives.
So where you playing tonight.
then? Scallington Scout Club.
Hello, Pauline.
Hiya.
Hey! Charlie! You all right? Now then, Phil, champion.
You? It's Fergus.
You what? My name is Oh, it doesn't matter.
Don't think the owner likes me sitting here without ordering owt.
Well, tell him to bugger off.
Oh He heard that, did he? Hey! Where we going?! Pauline.
Hey! I'm with him.
She's with me.
That's better.
Here, why don't you sing us one of your new songs? A private investigator?! How did you know he was a private investigator, Dan? Let me guess! Did he have a newspaper with the eye-holes cut out? OK, let me ask you an easier one.
What did he say? This mysterious bloke with his mobile phone? What did you actually hear? It wasn't Dan, it was Greg.
He thought he heard him mention your name.
No.
He didn't think he heard it Greg?! That'll be the one just got out of prison, will it? The one squatting in a camper next door like Stig-of-the-dump? That's my best mate you're talking about.
Yeah? And I'm your brother.
You really going to take his word over mine? Aren't you going to get that? Oh! It was an 0800 number.
Do you want to check it? Be my guest.
DAN?! Look, I get it - you're my big brother and you're looking out for me.
I actually appreciate it, I do.
But your friend's made a mistake, that's all.
Listen.
If there really was some big scary detective was after me, I'd tell you, wouldn't I? Let's face it, I've never exactly been shy about asking for help, have I, Dan? No.
You haven't.
God, Robbie, I'm so embarrassed.
I tried telling him Lisa, Lisa, it's fine.
Like I said, he's just looking out for me.
If it had been him, I'd have been just the same.
Yeah, well, it never is me, is it? No! No, I suppose not! Never any trouble with this one, is there, Lise? Right, well, now that excitement's over with, I'm off to stick on my lucky shirt and splash the cologne.
Still got to bag myself a date for dinner.
Oh, and I was thinking, actually since it's a bit of a family do, maybe we could push the boat out for Mum, you know? Maybe go out to a restaurant instead of round yours? If there's some reason you don't want to come round our house, Robbie, And miss out on the 20 quid I'm about to win off you? Nice try, Dan.
You can let yourselves out, yeah? HAMMERING Mum! What are you doing? You're not a builder, Greg.
That was just Bradley's little cover story for you, do you remember? It still needs doing.
Then I'll hire someone.
If you want to keep playing bodyguard, then go ahead! Go on.
Go and patrol the perimeter or whatever it is you're paid to do.
This whole thing was supposed to be so you and Ella could carry on like everything was normal.
And how did that work out? It didn't.
None of us even need to be here any more.
You could just take off - the pair of you - sit this whole thing out somewhere you'll be safe.
We're not going anywhere! This is our home.
Then I'm not either.
Whether it's in here or out there, I'm staying.
And not because of Bradley.
Because I wouldn't leave you now.
Either of you.
On the house, is it? Great, thanks.
Sorry! Sorry! My head was elsewhere.
Not expecting a raid, are you? Certainly not! I finish my shift in a couple of minutes.
I was just hoping Roger might pop in before I go.
We had a tiff this morning.
Only he doesn't know that we did.
Usually he works it out later and then comes by to apologise.
But I guess he won't be doing that today.
You two aren't actually? You know? We most certainly are not "You know"! All right, I was only asking! So you're not working later? No, I only do mornings on a Saturday.
Great, well, since you're free, how about dinner? Dinner? Lisa's chucking this fancy candle-lit soiree thing round hers later.
And I've been permitted a plus one.
Me? Oh, don't be silly.
I'm no plus one.
I'm sure there are plenty of other options round here for a handsome young man like yourself.
Naturally.
But, you see, Lisa's gone up in the world since I last saw her.
Head of her own business conglomerate these days.
So you see, if I hope to compete with my brother, it means turning up with someone truly classy and sophisticated on my arm.
And let's face it, as plus ones go you're a ten.
So what do you say? I don't know.
Bianca! Thank God you're still here! Bloody weddings.
Kiss the bride, I said, not eat her face off.
Honestly, some people! Anyway, look, I just popped in here for a post-match scotch but I'm a little bit short, so I wondered if you could just put it on my tab? Is that it? Is what it? Oh, and by the way I spoke to the exterminators, they believe I am now mouse-free.
So I'll be round at your place later to pick my things up and we can finally get out of each other's hair.
You were never in my hair, Roger.
I'm sorry I obviously was in yours.
And you can come by tonight if you want.
But I won't be there.
I have a date.
Right.
I reckon you should go and tell Greg the whole matter's been cleared up.
Yeah.
We'll see.
What's that supposed to mean? That's not your phone.
Whose? You haven't?! There's his missed call, look.
You stole his phone?! What the hell is the matter with you?! I didn't steal it, I just borrowed it.
I'm just going to check his texts You are NOT checking his texts! Look! Look! Look! Look at it! Those texts are to the same number.
"Stop calling.
" "You've got the wrong number.
" "This isn't his phone any more.
" Oh Do you know what this sounds like? It sounds like someone's got the wrong number! Or someone's got the right number and he's trying to avoid them! What are you doing?! I am shutting you up.
Hello? Um it's his girlfriend, who's this? His what? His wife? We don't know who this woman is.
She says she's his wife.
But she could be a confidence trickster.
A confidence trickster?! Well, she wants to meet in a motorway service car park.
Who meets in a motorway services car park? I'll tell you who.
Kidnappers, drug-dealers and doggers.
Well, if she turns out to be any of them, we'll go straight home again and I'll never say another word.
Oh, it's me dad.
He's stuffing the enchiladas.
What should I say? I don't know! Tell him not to bother.
We don't know the dinner party's off yet, Dan.
I'll say OK.
And I'll put a little smiley face so he doesn't worry.
Am I pleased to see you! She's proper going off on one.
Not to worry! No, I can't stop long, Bianca.
I've got to pick Josh up from his party.
But I brought the kit like you asked.
This is the one all the professionalists use at the agency.
Now, I'll do my best, but when they do me, I'm usually looking in a mirror, so I only really know how they do it from the front.
I've no idea what they're getting up to round the back.
I don't care about the front or the back any more, Denise! I'm more worried about my clothes! Your clothes? I'm going with Dan's brother.
Oooh! I haven't done something like this since Since for ever.
I mean, what do you wear to a dinner party, Denise?! I mean, should I wear this? Or this? Or should I wear this? Calm down.
Like Fergus always says, a problem is only a solution that's Oh, I don't know.
He talks a lot of rubbish.
Look, it's easily solved.
Hiya, Ella! Is your mum in? Everything all right? Dating emergency.
You hang up first.
No, you.
No, you.
No, seriously, you.
I'm buggered if I know how to do it.
Finished, are you? Finally? All right, kill-joy, sorry if my online romance is interfering with whatever it is you're doing.
Finances.
You sure know how to enjoy the weekend, don't you? "Pay-day loans"? Business bad? The business is fine.
It's me.
I made a bad investment, I'm just trying to claw some back.
How much did you lose? Two grand.
OK? Now, do you mind? Bloody hell! Still, with what your Denise is pocketing these days, that must be nowt.
It's got nothing to do with Denise.
She offered to help if you must know.
And I told her I take care of my own problems.
Oh, God.
You didn't, did you? You didn't actually use them words? Yes.
I thought that was a good thing? You really are a dickhead, aren't you? Sorry? You're a couple! You don't get to have your own problems.
Blood and sand! How do you think she felt, hearing that? She was all right I think.
Trust me, love, she wasn't.
I should know - I happen to be one of her closest friends.
Since when? And let me tell you something, you want to be careful.
Not like that girl doesn't have other options.
You start blocking her out of your life, she'll start doing the same back.
And you'll end up losing something a lot more valuable than two grand.
Caroline.
Caroline Johnson.
He really hasn't come with you, then? I thought perhaps you might tell him and that he But no.
We didn't tell him anything.
He doesn't know we're here.
Look, you have to understand this is a bit hard for us to believe.
Robbie never mentioned anything about having a wife.
Doesn't surprise me.
He never said anything about you either.
In fact, he said he didn't have any family at all.
I'm telling the truth.
I can't believe some of the labels you've got.
Giorgio Armani, Ralph Lauren, Linda McCartney.
One of your old school uniforms in here, Ella.
Yeah.
That's not mine.
Hold still, I'm I'm not sure about any of this.
Been a while since her last date.
It's funny because I always assumed you and Roger were sort of You know We're not "you know".
Why does everyone keep thinking we're "you know"? I don't think vicars are allowed to "you know".
I'm pretty sure they are.
Oh, yeah, I suppose they must be.
Otherwise they'd be extinct.
Bianca! That was only worn once.
London, 2010.
Bradley had got us tickets to the opening night of the Andrew Lloyd Webber's Love Never Dies.
Never did fit me very well.
Look much better on you.
We'd only been seeing each other a few weeks but one morning he woke me up with, "Let's do it.
Let's get married.
" It even worked for a while.
Or at least I thought it did.
We got a place.
He got a job.
We spoke about children.
I was happy.
What happened? I don't know.
One day he was there and then the next gone.
There was a note.
One word "Sorry".
I thought perhaps he had met somebody else.
No, there is no-one else.
Robbie is living at home, with his mum.
With his dead mum? That must be nice.
I am personally going to drag him to see you.
He's going to stand there, he's going to look you in the eyes No.
Please.
I don't want to see him.
I've met someone else.
He knows nothing about this.
I just want a divorce, that's all.
Tell him I don't want anything.
Just for him to ring that number.
We don't even have to meet.
Does he owe you money? I don't care about that.
I care.
And he's going to pay you back every penny.
Right down to whatever you paid that detective to track him down again.
What detective? I never hired a detective.
Are your eyes shut? Yes! OK.
Yes! Do you think? I don't know.
I think it's a bit too showy.
No.
It's not showy at all.
Hardly shows anything that one.
That's the point.
Bianca wants to look sophisticated.
I know it sounds silly.
But it's been a long time since I've been out the house on a Saturday night.
You're going to knock him dead, Bianca.
It's not about that though.
It's about feeling special for once.
Appreciated.
Haven't had a lot of that recently.
I know the feeling.
That's all you really need, isn't it? Someone to show an interest.
Someone to talk to who looks like they might actually want to listen.
Yeah.
Plus he is well fit.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Why? I thought I'd order us a pizza tonight seeing as the kitchen's out of action.
OK.
Talks a lot of sense, Bianca.
All that stuff about needing someone to talk to .
.
people who want to listen.
You get your subtlety from me.
Well, what's Greg actually done wrong? I mean, he didn't know what he was getting himself into.
And anyone else, when they found out, would have run a mile.
But he's still out there.
Just like he said.
Though I don't need to tell you that, do I? You keep looking.
Maybe I do quite like the idea of someone keeping an eye on us.
Just for the moment.
Then why shut him out, then? He's a part of this now whether you like it or not.
And God knows why, but he actually seems to want to be our friend too! And I don't know about you, but I kind of think we could do with one.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Bianca, my love, you look amazing.
Thank you very much.
So, I hope you like Mexican food? Look nice, Bianca.
Thank you! It's Linda McCartney.
I'm coming up so you better get this party started! Where's our illustrious hosts? Barry doesn't seem to know.
I asked 'em if I should stuff the enchiladas.
And they sent me a text with a smiley-face on, so they should be on their way.
Pigging hell, I'm famished.
Let's just crack on without them.
We can't do that, it's their party.
Well, we can at least put a dent in the starters, can't we? Great, until then it can be a double date.
A what? Oh, don't come the innocent with me, Barry Harris, you've been fantasising about this moment for years! Come on! Show us your enchiladas! Enchiladas! How could he have not told us? And how could he just walk out on someone like that? Because it's what he does.
I should have listened to you, love.
Hey it's not your fault.
Even Robbie starts believing his own lies in the end.
And that's why someone always gets hurt.
But not any more.
He's going to confront it this time.
He's not going to hurt anyone else.
Woody Harrelson? Never out the place, used to ask for me by name in the end.
Big tipper an' all.
Not always cash either.
One time he let me take his Lamborghini for a quick test-drive instead.
Hey! I thought we were just having starters? Well, what kind of hosts keep their guests waiting this long? Bugger them I say.
If I may be excused? I just need to powder my nose.
Bianca, eh? Mount Pleasant's very own Eva Longoria! So? Are you keen? It's just a date, Mum.
Here, you serve, Barry.
There you are, where have you two been? We were starting to get worried.
You owe me 20 quid, sir I'm not covering any more lies.
Mum needs to know everything.
Er, Mum's sat right here, thank you very much.
Oh, not this again.
I thought we'd sorted this? Dan's got it into his head I'm being followed around by a private investigator or something.
Come on, then, what other intriguing details has your little jail-bird friend remembered? We haven't spoken to Greg.
No.
But we have spoken to your wife.
My what? Your wife, Robbie.
Caroline? Robbie? How did she find you? Tell me this isn't true? You're married? Married? You might have told me you'd picked up Josh! Looked a right idiot turning up there not knowing he'd gone! What's all this? Were these from the party? No.
And where's Josh? He's at your mum's.
What's he doing there? I took him.
Why did you take him? Denise! Just slow down with the questions a little.
I've sort of got one of my own I'm working my way towards.
OK, first of all, I know that I've been a bit of dick lately.
A lot of a dick.
A lot of a dick.
And What's funny? I am! I had this great big speech prepared and, within seconds, you've made me forget the whole thing! But that's not really a surprise, though, is it? I'm pretty good at forgetting things.
Like how amazing you are.
And how much I love you.
And how much I take you for granted.
And that was pretty much the gist of the speech anyway.
So I might as well skip to the end.
Denise Bradwell .
.
will you marry me? I'm kind of getting a sore knee down here, so if you could Yes.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Gary.
Have you seen Bianca? Gone out.
Already? I thought she'd still be here Did you apologise to her? Sorry? For what? For what you said this morning? The surrogate husband thing? That's just a turn of phrase, Gary, I don't need to apologise for Oh Oh, Jim.
Yeah.
Oh! I didn't lose my job a few weeks ago.
I lost it six months ago.
I came back and I was staying with a mate in Liverpool.
I wasn't ready to face you, Mum.
Or you, Dan.
I just I just needed a bit of time to get my head straight.
And that's when I met her.
You got married without telling us? Without telling your family? Without She told me she was pregnant! I'd only been seeing her a few weeks, I I didn't know what to do.
Robbie.
She never said anything about a baby.
That's because there never was one! She'd made the whole thing up.
Tried telling me weeks later it had just been a scare, a false alarm.
But that was bullshit.
There never was anything.
I know that now.
I'd seen the way she changed the minute that ring was on her finger.
It was like she didn't have to pretend any more.
Robbie we met her! She wasn't some weird, mad, manipulative spinster! She was just a normal woman! A normal woman who made it quite clear she wanted nothing from you but a signature on a divorce paper.
She's even met somebody else! Then more fool him, Dan! More fool him.
Oh, sweetheart.
Mum? Please don't tell me you're buying this? You could have told me.
You could have come back to me any time.
You know that.
Dan, give us a minute.
Mum! A minute, Dan.
Please.
We ordered pizza.
We thought you might like some.
We? Yeah.
Actually, we thought we could have it in there.
You know, it is Saturday night and we could do with getting out of the house for a bit.
That is if you don't mind? I don't mind one bit.
Great.
Bianca, I'm so sorry, I'll call you tomorrow and explain everything.
Are you with him now, then? Or you? Or maybe both of you? I don't think even that would surprise me.
Excuse me, who are? Where is he? Hey! Robbie! Dan! Call the police! Is this her? Are you her?! Mum, don't! It's not her! It's not her.
Jasmine.
I am so sorry.
Who are these people? They are, er, my family.
Your family? Was anything you told me actually true? The part that mattered.
That's not enough.
I needed to do this in person.
Who are you? I'm his wife.
What's going on? No idea.
But for once, it's got nothing to do with us.
Bianca! Bianca? Hey! Hey! Hey! What is it? What's happened? I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it.
OK.
It's all right.
It's OK.
Listen, Bianca .
.
I just want to say that I'm sorry.
You know, about what I said before.
Anybody would be really lucky to have a surrogate wife like you.
Thank you, Roger.
Have you come to collect your things? Well, er Actually they said it might be another couple of days.
So would it be all right? Of course it will.
I'll just take her up.
OK OK Just give me a second.
I'm still in a bit of shock about this myself.
You want to explain to me how two completely different women can both be filing for divorce from you at exactly the same time?! Look the thing you need to understand, Mum, is Lisa Don't touch me! Well, go on, then.
Three for three.
Robbie is married to two different women.
It's never about not wanting to hurt people.
You DO hurt people.
Tell him that from now on, he's on his own.
I won't be giving him a second thought.
Pauline's going to crash and burn.
Flip back to her old ways.
We'll go out to dinner.
Tonight.
Just you and me.
Quite a cute couple actually.
I've really enjoyed this last week with you.
Have you? We are fiance and fiancee.
And soon we'll be husband and wife.
"Eternal Love"? If it's not eternal, then it's not love.
He's gone back to end it.
You're just some idiot to get us out of there when things go tits up.
I'm glad you found someone, Rev.
I did used to worry about you.
We're not a couple! I kinda need to tell you something.
What? I've sort of not quite been Oh, it's Robbie Johnson all right, no question.
I'm not quite such a loser yet that I have to go begging for money off a girl who once worked for me! Where are you going? To my mum's.
We did have a normal life once, didn't we? No, it's pretty much always been like this.
It's not up for discussion.
We're having one and that's that.
We're not dinner party people! You might not be.
Dad, we are having a dinner party tonight.
Me, you, Dan, Robbie, Pauline.
The whole family.
See reason! It's Saturday night! Got To Dance is on.
You know how much me and Baz like watching that.
# Everybody dance now! Everybody dance now! Look at his little face! You can't take that away from him! Never mind, Dan.
We can get it on catch up.
Shut up! Do you know why we're having a dinner party? Every night this week, you've come home moaning on about what Robbie has or hasn't done at work all day.
So? So from now on in this house, we're promoting family harmony.
You can't cook! Can cook, will cook.
Family dinner, tonight and that's the end of it.
But I I said, that is the end of it.
I'll be doing the cooking, won't I? Yeah.
You are, Dad.
Thanks.
Yeah.
It's not his fault, you know? No.
Just following orders.
What's this? That's where your dad kept his gun.
His what?! It's not there now.
Which means he must have taken it with him.
What are we going to do? I'll tell you what we're not going to do.
We're not going to sit around worrying about what might be happening.
I've done enough of that over the years.
That may have been my life, but it's not going to be yours.
From now on, we're planning our own future.
Me and you, regardless of what happens.
Morning, big bro.
We do have a doorbell, you know? Course you do, always first with the latest mod-cons, you.
Are you watching Spongebob? No.
I was flicking.
Has Spongebob finished? All right, Robbie? Barry.
Oh, hello, didn't hear the door.
Pauline not with you? No, she's off in town trying to find somewhere with free Wi-Fi so she can chat to Dad.
Apparently next door changed their password.
No sense of fair play some people.
Hey, has Dan told you about the party? Party? Don't get too excited.
Dinner party.
Tonight.
Lisa wants you and Mum there.
Say no if you're busy.
No, nothing I can't cancel.
Well, it's not for another eight hours, so don't feel you have to hang around.
Actually I'd just popped in to see if you had my wages? I haven't got any cash on me.
You got 200 quid out last night, remember.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
I'd forgotten about that.
Where's my cassock? I put it through the wash.
You did what?! You'd left it in a pile on the floor.
Yes, I know I did! That's where I keep it! God, what am I going to do? I've got a wedding this morning! What am I meant to wear? A onesie? I put it through the wash last night! And I was up at eight ironing it for you! I do wish you'd leave my things alone, Bianca.
You don't have to run round after me like I'm some sort of a surrogate husband or something.
He didn't mean it, Bianca.
He wasn't thinking.
No.
He wasn't.
So this dinner party thing.
I can bring a date, can I? I didn't know you'd been seeing someone? I haven't, but I don't want to be the only one there without a partner.
Me and Pauline aren't partners! Ah, you're the same generation - that's as good as.
You're going to get a date with half a day's notice? Yeah.
Piece of cake.
I think we'll hold off laying that extra place just yet.
That sounds to me like a challenge.
Care to make it interesting? You're on.
Dan! Right.
Couldn't run us back to Mum's, could you? No, I couldn't.
You walked here.
Walk back.
Oh, of course he can.
Ignore him.
You've got to pop to the shop anyway.
These are the ingredients for one of Barry's Mexican specials.
I thought you were doing the cooking? I am doing the cooking.
This is an ancient family recipe that my father has bequeathed to me.
Bequeathed? Yes.
Bequeathed.
I did, Dan.
I bequeathed it.
Great! Whenever you're ready then, Dan? OK, before you start, I am so sorry.
I shouldn't have snapped at you.
I was totally in the wrong.
It's all my fault.
Now, when are you coming home? Of course I care! Only is it going to be any time soon? Because Josh has got this stupid nursery party thing and I don't know any of the parents.
Oh, I see.
So I'm OK to do all the mummy baby stuff, am I? Just so long as I know my place and don't try and help out with the grown-up financially things.
It's not like that.
Then what is it Then what is it like, Fergus? Look, Denise.
I get it.
I know you think this is all about me trying to be the big strong alpha male.
Not really.
Oh.
Well good.
That's good.
Because I'm not I mean, it's not.
Look, despite what I said, I don't mind having a girlfriend who earns more money than me.
In fact, I love it.
But that two grand I lost, that was MY mistake, which means I have to be the one to fix it.
I have to make it back myself.
It's a pride thing, see? That's always been my weakness.
Too much damn pride.
Are those my slippers? Couldn't find mine.
You all right, mate? Not especially.
I saw your brother here earlier.
Yeah, just had to run him home.
Want to get my business cards changed.
Dan Johnson - plumbing, taxi-service and personal shopper.
Dinner party tonight.
I'd invite you but you know I quite like you.
So, erm is everything all right with him, then? Who? Robbie.
Yeah.
Why do you ask? I got your nose! I got your nose! No.
I was never impressed with that much either.
Hey, gringos! What are you doing? I always wear this when I'm cooking Mexican.
Yeah.
But I want Dan to think I'm doing the cooking.
Well.
You wear it, then.
Ah.
You find that funny, do you? I'm going to kill him!! This time I am ACTUALLY going to kill him! Who are you killing, Dan? Who do you think?! That witless, feckless brother of mine! Dinner is OFF! I'm sure Greg's got the wrong end of the stick.
He said this guy was taking photos? He was probably an estate agent - number 12's up for sale, isn't it? No.
No.
He distinctly heard him say Robbie on the phone.
"Robbie" does sound a bit like "property".
There you go.
What do you mean "there you go"? And will you take that off? It wasn't an estate agent.
I'm telling you, it'll be exactly what it sounds like - a private investigator.
Don't be daft.
Why would a private investigator be after Robbie? I can think of a million reasons! The most likely one being debt.
He's certainly got form for that.
It's not even him I'm arsed about.
It's me mum.
If this guy's tracked him here, it won't be long before he's outside her house an' all.
You've never seen her at her worst.
She's like Teflon with most things, but when it comes to Robbie I'm going to have a word with him.
Find out exactly what's going on before she does.
What you doing? Coming with you.
I'm not having you going round there shouting the odds when there's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.
You see?! This is what he does! This is how he ALWAYS gets away with it! One week turning on the charm and suddenly everyone's leaping to his defence.
I'm not leaping to anything.
I just want to make sure you hear him out.
Good looks and charm have got nothing to do with it.
Who said anything about good looks? I thought you did? No.
I didn't.
Er shall I start preparing dinner? Yes, please, Dad! Yes.
Thank you.
What? I'll take over when I get back.
There's one of Lisa with her, look.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And here's one of Dan asleep on the sofa with her, see? Little bit of dribble.
Probably just the way he was laying.
Yeah, good that one.
You can't see any of these without your contacts, can you? I can't, no.
Well, maybe it's about time you got off your arse and came back to meet her in person, then? Would that I could, Pauline, would that I could.
But it's the fans, see? Can't let them down.
Some of 'em have waited 30 year for us to bring a bit of glitz and glamour back into their lives.
So where you playing tonight.
then? Scallington Scout Club.
Hello, Pauline.
Hiya.
Hey! Charlie! You all right? Now then, Phil, champion.
You? It's Fergus.
You what? My name is Oh, it doesn't matter.
Don't think the owner likes me sitting here without ordering owt.
Well, tell him to bugger off.
Oh He heard that, did he? Hey! Where we going?! Pauline.
Hey! I'm with him.
She's with me.
That's better.
Here, why don't you sing us one of your new songs? A private investigator?! How did you know he was a private investigator, Dan? Let me guess! Did he have a newspaper with the eye-holes cut out? OK, let me ask you an easier one.
What did he say? This mysterious bloke with his mobile phone? What did you actually hear? It wasn't Dan, it was Greg.
He thought he heard him mention your name.
No.
He didn't think he heard it Greg?! That'll be the one just got out of prison, will it? The one squatting in a camper next door like Stig-of-the-dump? That's my best mate you're talking about.
Yeah? And I'm your brother.
You really going to take his word over mine? Aren't you going to get that? Oh! It was an 0800 number.
Do you want to check it? Be my guest.
DAN?! Look, I get it - you're my big brother and you're looking out for me.
I actually appreciate it, I do.
But your friend's made a mistake, that's all.
Listen.
If there really was some big scary detective was after me, I'd tell you, wouldn't I? Let's face it, I've never exactly been shy about asking for help, have I, Dan? No.
You haven't.
God, Robbie, I'm so embarrassed.
I tried telling him Lisa, Lisa, it's fine.
Like I said, he's just looking out for me.
If it had been him, I'd have been just the same.
Yeah, well, it never is me, is it? No! No, I suppose not! Never any trouble with this one, is there, Lise? Right, well, now that excitement's over with, I'm off to stick on my lucky shirt and splash the cologne.
Still got to bag myself a date for dinner.
Oh, and I was thinking, actually since it's a bit of a family do, maybe we could push the boat out for Mum, you know? Maybe go out to a restaurant instead of round yours? If there's some reason you don't want to come round our house, Robbie, And miss out on the 20 quid I'm about to win off you? Nice try, Dan.
You can let yourselves out, yeah? HAMMERING Mum! What are you doing? You're not a builder, Greg.
That was just Bradley's little cover story for you, do you remember? It still needs doing.
Then I'll hire someone.
If you want to keep playing bodyguard, then go ahead! Go on.
Go and patrol the perimeter or whatever it is you're paid to do.
This whole thing was supposed to be so you and Ella could carry on like everything was normal.
And how did that work out? It didn't.
None of us even need to be here any more.
You could just take off - the pair of you - sit this whole thing out somewhere you'll be safe.
We're not going anywhere! This is our home.
Then I'm not either.
Whether it's in here or out there, I'm staying.
And not because of Bradley.
Because I wouldn't leave you now.
Either of you.
On the house, is it? Great, thanks.
Sorry! Sorry! My head was elsewhere.
Not expecting a raid, are you? Certainly not! I finish my shift in a couple of minutes.
I was just hoping Roger might pop in before I go.
We had a tiff this morning.
Only he doesn't know that we did.
Usually he works it out later and then comes by to apologise.
But I guess he won't be doing that today.
You two aren't actually? You know? We most certainly are not "You know"! All right, I was only asking! So you're not working later? No, I only do mornings on a Saturday.
Great, well, since you're free, how about dinner? Dinner? Lisa's chucking this fancy candle-lit soiree thing round hers later.
And I've been permitted a plus one.
Me? Oh, don't be silly.
I'm no plus one.
I'm sure there are plenty of other options round here for a handsome young man like yourself.
Naturally.
But, you see, Lisa's gone up in the world since I last saw her.
Head of her own business conglomerate these days.
So you see, if I hope to compete with my brother, it means turning up with someone truly classy and sophisticated on my arm.
And let's face it, as plus ones go you're a ten.
So what do you say? I don't know.
Bianca! Thank God you're still here! Bloody weddings.
Kiss the bride, I said, not eat her face off.
Honestly, some people! Anyway, look, I just popped in here for a post-match scotch but I'm a little bit short, so I wondered if you could just put it on my tab? Is that it? Is what it? Oh, and by the way I spoke to the exterminators, they believe I am now mouse-free.
So I'll be round at your place later to pick my things up and we can finally get out of each other's hair.
You were never in my hair, Roger.
I'm sorry I obviously was in yours.
And you can come by tonight if you want.
But I won't be there.
I have a date.
Right.
I reckon you should go and tell Greg the whole matter's been cleared up.
Yeah.
We'll see.
What's that supposed to mean? That's not your phone.
Whose? You haven't?! There's his missed call, look.
You stole his phone?! What the hell is the matter with you?! I didn't steal it, I just borrowed it.
I'm just going to check his texts You are NOT checking his texts! Look! Look! Look! Look at it! Those texts are to the same number.
"Stop calling.
" "You've got the wrong number.
" "This isn't his phone any more.
" Oh Do you know what this sounds like? It sounds like someone's got the wrong number! Or someone's got the right number and he's trying to avoid them! What are you doing?! I am shutting you up.
Hello? Um it's his girlfriend, who's this? His what? His wife? We don't know who this woman is.
She says she's his wife.
But she could be a confidence trickster.
A confidence trickster?! Well, she wants to meet in a motorway service car park.
Who meets in a motorway services car park? I'll tell you who.
Kidnappers, drug-dealers and doggers.
Well, if she turns out to be any of them, we'll go straight home again and I'll never say another word.
Oh, it's me dad.
He's stuffing the enchiladas.
What should I say? I don't know! Tell him not to bother.
We don't know the dinner party's off yet, Dan.
I'll say OK.
And I'll put a little smiley face so he doesn't worry.
Am I pleased to see you! She's proper going off on one.
Not to worry! No, I can't stop long, Bianca.
I've got to pick Josh up from his party.
But I brought the kit like you asked.
This is the one all the professionalists use at the agency.
Now, I'll do my best, but when they do me, I'm usually looking in a mirror, so I only really know how they do it from the front.
I've no idea what they're getting up to round the back.
I don't care about the front or the back any more, Denise! I'm more worried about my clothes! Your clothes? I'm going with Dan's brother.
Oooh! I haven't done something like this since Since for ever.
I mean, what do you wear to a dinner party, Denise?! I mean, should I wear this? Or this? Or should I wear this? Calm down.
Like Fergus always says, a problem is only a solution that's Oh, I don't know.
He talks a lot of rubbish.
Look, it's easily solved.
Hiya, Ella! Is your mum in? Everything all right? Dating emergency.
You hang up first.
No, you.
No, you.
No, seriously, you.
I'm buggered if I know how to do it.
Finished, are you? Finally? All right, kill-joy, sorry if my online romance is interfering with whatever it is you're doing.
Finances.
You sure know how to enjoy the weekend, don't you? "Pay-day loans"? Business bad? The business is fine.
It's me.
I made a bad investment, I'm just trying to claw some back.
How much did you lose? Two grand.
OK? Now, do you mind? Bloody hell! Still, with what your Denise is pocketing these days, that must be nowt.
It's got nothing to do with Denise.
She offered to help if you must know.
And I told her I take care of my own problems.
Oh, God.
You didn't, did you? You didn't actually use them words? Yes.
I thought that was a good thing? You really are a dickhead, aren't you? Sorry? You're a couple! You don't get to have your own problems.
Blood and sand! How do you think she felt, hearing that? She was all right I think.
Trust me, love, she wasn't.
I should know - I happen to be one of her closest friends.
Since when? And let me tell you something, you want to be careful.
Not like that girl doesn't have other options.
You start blocking her out of your life, she'll start doing the same back.
And you'll end up losing something a lot more valuable than two grand.
Caroline.
Caroline Johnson.
He really hasn't come with you, then? I thought perhaps you might tell him and that he But no.
We didn't tell him anything.
He doesn't know we're here.
Look, you have to understand this is a bit hard for us to believe.
Robbie never mentioned anything about having a wife.
Doesn't surprise me.
He never said anything about you either.
In fact, he said he didn't have any family at all.
I'm telling the truth.
I can't believe some of the labels you've got.
Giorgio Armani, Ralph Lauren, Linda McCartney.
One of your old school uniforms in here, Ella.
Yeah.
That's not mine.
Hold still, I'm I'm not sure about any of this.
Been a while since her last date.
It's funny because I always assumed you and Roger were sort of You know We're not "you know".
Why does everyone keep thinking we're "you know"? I don't think vicars are allowed to "you know".
I'm pretty sure they are.
Oh, yeah, I suppose they must be.
Otherwise they'd be extinct.
Bianca! That was only worn once.
London, 2010.
Bradley had got us tickets to the opening night of the Andrew Lloyd Webber's Love Never Dies.
Never did fit me very well.
Look much better on you.
We'd only been seeing each other a few weeks but one morning he woke me up with, "Let's do it.
Let's get married.
" It even worked for a while.
Or at least I thought it did.
We got a place.
He got a job.
We spoke about children.
I was happy.
What happened? I don't know.
One day he was there and then the next gone.
There was a note.
One word "Sorry".
I thought perhaps he had met somebody else.
No, there is no-one else.
Robbie is living at home, with his mum.
With his dead mum? That must be nice.
I am personally going to drag him to see you.
He's going to stand there, he's going to look you in the eyes No.
Please.
I don't want to see him.
I've met someone else.
He knows nothing about this.
I just want a divorce, that's all.
Tell him I don't want anything.
Just for him to ring that number.
We don't even have to meet.
Does he owe you money? I don't care about that.
I care.
And he's going to pay you back every penny.
Right down to whatever you paid that detective to track him down again.
What detective? I never hired a detective.
Are your eyes shut? Yes! OK.
Yes! Do you think? I don't know.
I think it's a bit too showy.
No.
It's not showy at all.
Hardly shows anything that one.
That's the point.
Bianca wants to look sophisticated.
I know it sounds silly.
But it's been a long time since I've been out the house on a Saturday night.
You're going to knock him dead, Bianca.
It's not about that though.
It's about feeling special for once.
Appreciated.
Haven't had a lot of that recently.
I know the feeling.
That's all you really need, isn't it? Someone to show an interest.
Someone to talk to who looks like they might actually want to listen.
Yeah.
Plus he is well fit.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Why? I thought I'd order us a pizza tonight seeing as the kitchen's out of action.
OK.
Talks a lot of sense, Bianca.
All that stuff about needing someone to talk to .
.
people who want to listen.
You get your subtlety from me.
Well, what's Greg actually done wrong? I mean, he didn't know what he was getting himself into.
And anyone else, when they found out, would have run a mile.
But he's still out there.
Just like he said.
Though I don't need to tell you that, do I? You keep looking.
Maybe I do quite like the idea of someone keeping an eye on us.
Just for the moment.
Then why shut him out, then? He's a part of this now whether you like it or not.
And God knows why, but he actually seems to want to be our friend too! And I don't know about you, but I kind of think we could do with one.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Bianca, my love, you look amazing.
Thank you very much.
So, I hope you like Mexican food? Look nice, Bianca.
Thank you! It's Linda McCartney.
I'm coming up so you better get this party started! Where's our illustrious hosts? Barry doesn't seem to know.
I asked 'em if I should stuff the enchiladas.
And they sent me a text with a smiley-face on, so they should be on their way.
Pigging hell, I'm famished.
Let's just crack on without them.
We can't do that, it's their party.
Well, we can at least put a dent in the starters, can't we? Great, until then it can be a double date.
A what? Oh, don't come the innocent with me, Barry Harris, you've been fantasising about this moment for years! Come on! Show us your enchiladas! Enchiladas! How could he have not told us? And how could he just walk out on someone like that? Because it's what he does.
I should have listened to you, love.
Hey it's not your fault.
Even Robbie starts believing his own lies in the end.
And that's why someone always gets hurt.
But not any more.
He's going to confront it this time.
He's not going to hurt anyone else.
Woody Harrelson? Never out the place, used to ask for me by name in the end.
Big tipper an' all.
Not always cash either.
One time he let me take his Lamborghini for a quick test-drive instead.
Hey! I thought we were just having starters? Well, what kind of hosts keep their guests waiting this long? Bugger them I say.
If I may be excused? I just need to powder my nose.
Bianca, eh? Mount Pleasant's very own Eva Longoria! So? Are you keen? It's just a date, Mum.
Here, you serve, Barry.
There you are, where have you two been? We were starting to get worried.
You owe me 20 quid, sir I'm not covering any more lies.
Mum needs to know everything.
Er, Mum's sat right here, thank you very much.
Oh, not this again.
I thought we'd sorted this? Dan's got it into his head I'm being followed around by a private investigator or something.
Come on, then, what other intriguing details has your little jail-bird friend remembered? We haven't spoken to Greg.
No.
But we have spoken to your wife.
My what? Your wife, Robbie.
Caroline? Robbie? How did she find you? Tell me this isn't true? You're married? Married? You might have told me you'd picked up Josh! Looked a right idiot turning up there not knowing he'd gone! What's all this? Were these from the party? No.
And where's Josh? He's at your mum's.
What's he doing there? I took him.
Why did you take him? Denise! Just slow down with the questions a little.
I've sort of got one of my own I'm working my way towards.
OK, first of all, I know that I've been a bit of dick lately.
A lot of a dick.
A lot of a dick.
And What's funny? I am! I had this great big speech prepared and, within seconds, you've made me forget the whole thing! But that's not really a surprise, though, is it? I'm pretty good at forgetting things.
Like how amazing you are.
And how much I love you.
And how much I take you for granted.
And that was pretty much the gist of the speech anyway.
So I might as well skip to the end.
Denise Bradwell .
.
will you marry me? I'm kind of getting a sore knee down here, so if you could Yes.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Gary.
Have you seen Bianca? Gone out.
Already? I thought she'd still be here Did you apologise to her? Sorry? For what? For what you said this morning? The surrogate husband thing? That's just a turn of phrase, Gary, I don't need to apologise for Oh Oh, Jim.
Yeah.
Oh! I didn't lose my job a few weeks ago.
I lost it six months ago.
I came back and I was staying with a mate in Liverpool.
I wasn't ready to face you, Mum.
Or you, Dan.
I just I just needed a bit of time to get my head straight.
And that's when I met her.
You got married without telling us? Without telling your family? Without She told me she was pregnant! I'd only been seeing her a few weeks, I I didn't know what to do.
Robbie.
She never said anything about a baby.
That's because there never was one! She'd made the whole thing up.
Tried telling me weeks later it had just been a scare, a false alarm.
But that was bullshit.
There never was anything.
I know that now.
I'd seen the way she changed the minute that ring was on her finger.
It was like she didn't have to pretend any more.
Robbie we met her! She wasn't some weird, mad, manipulative spinster! She was just a normal woman! A normal woman who made it quite clear she wanted nothing from you but a signature on a divorce paper.
She's even met somebody else! Then more fool him, Dan! More fool him.
Oh, sweetheart.
Mum? Please don't tell me you're buying this? You could have told me.
You could have come back to me any time.
You know that.
Dan, give us a minute.
Mum! A minute, Dan.
Please.
We ordered pizza.
We thought you might like some.
We? Yeah.
Actually, we thought we could have it in there.
You know, it is Saturday night and we could do with getting out of the house for a bit.
That is if you don't mind? I don't mind one bit.
Great.
Bianca, I'm so sorry, I'll call you tomorrow and explain everything.
Are you with him now, then? Or you? Or maybe both of you? I don't think even that would surprise me.
Excuse me, who are? Where is he? Hey! Robbie! Dan! Call the police! Is this her? Are you her?! Mum, don't! It's not her! It's not her.
Jasmine.
I am so sorry.
Who are these people? They are, er, my family.
Your family? Was anything you told me actually true? The part that mattered.
That's not enough.
I needed to do this in person.
Who are you? I'm his wife.
What's going on? No idea.
But for once, it's got nothing to do with us.
Bianca! Bianca? Hey! Hey! Hey! What is it? What's happened? I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it.
OK.
It's all right.
It's OK.
Listen, Bianca .
.
I just want to say that I'm sorry.
You know, about what I said before.
Anybody would be really lucky to have a surrogate wife like you.
Thank you, Roger.
Have you come to collect your things? Well, er Actually they said it might be another couple of days.
So would it be all right? Of course it will.
I'll just take her up.
OK OK Just give me a second.
I'm still in a bit of shock about this myself.
You want to explain to me how two completely different women can both be filing for divorce from you at exactly the same time?! Look the thing you need to understand, Mum, is Lisa Don't touch me! Well, go on, then.
Three for three.
Robbie is married to two different women.
It's never about not wanting to hurt people.
You DO hurt people.
Tell him that from now on, he's on his own.
I won't be giving him a second thought.
Pauline's going to crash and burn.
Flip back to her old ways.
We'll go out to dinner.
Tonight.
Just you and me.
Quite a cute couple actually.
I've really enjoyed this last week with you.
Have you? We are fiance and fiancee.
And soon we'll be husband and wife.
"Eternal Love"? If it's not eternal, then it's not love.