Moving On (2009) s04e05 Episode Script
That´s Amore
1 Gary? WHIRRING Gary? Hiya, love.
How was work? The usual.
But look at this.
Ta-da! Popped out at lunchtime.
It was in the sale.
Thought I could wear it tonight.
Tonight? 8:30.
Puschka.
Table for two.
Do you mind if we leave it, love? Get a takeaway.
Small Terry's done us a load of DVDs.
Another perfect Saturday night in(!) WHIRRING FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TELEVISION COMMENTARY CONTINUES LISA TURNS TELEVISION OFF What are you playing at? I need you to look at this.
Right now? If you can fit it into your busy schedule(!) This is our house.
Yeah.
I'm going to tell the estate agent to put it on the market.
Since when are we moving? I want a divorce, Gary! You're kidding! Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure you and Alan Hansen will be very happy together.
Hey! Hang on! Hey! Lisa! I'm talking to you! Well? Well, what's brought this on? I mean, you don't just come home and decide you want a divorce! I didn't just decide, Gary.
Right, who is he? What? You know what.
Is there someone else? There is no-one else! Oh, really? Oh, don't be so stupid! Well, what's your problem, then?! Us! You and me! We're the problem! What?! Don't act surprised.
We've been going through the motions for years! Oh, fine, then! Pack your stuff.
A few warnings would've been nice.
A hint here and there.
Maybe a text! Oh, well, what's the point? You just sit on the sofa doing nothing with that gormless look on your face! No, I don't! Oh, yeah? Well, who books the holidays? Manages the finances? Decides where we? Oh, whatever! Who's the control freak? Who has to have everything just the way she likes it? People in comas make more decisions than you do, Gary.
Oh, so you thought you'd go behind me back, did you? Get the house valued.
When did you decide that? Huh! It's that Roy, innit, off the Mortgage Desk.
Always going on about his stupid catamaran.
I have told you, there is no-one else! Hang on.
This is my stuff! Yeah.
Well, I thought you could move in with your mum.
Oh, did you now? I am going nowhere.
You decided this! You wanted to split up! So you can move back home! I can't! You know Mum's moved Geoff in! I knew you'd be like this.
Oh, what did you expect? "Hiya, Gary, do you like me new dress, Gary?" "You know that life you've been having? I'm about to flush it down the toilet!" Life?! I've not exactly been walking on sunshine all these years meself.
Then why didn't you send me a text? Surprise, surprise, you couldn't be bothered! Oh, do you know what, Lisa? Do what you want! But I tell you one thing, I am not moving out of this house! It's the right thing to do! Better we do it now than in another 14 years! DOOR SLAMS SHU Thanks, love.
Take no notice.
Birds say these things.
They love the drama.
By the time you get home, she'll want to kiss and make up.
She's had an estate agent 'round.
Oh, has she hell! It's a wind-up.
They've taken pictures for the website.
Listen, when you get in, just say you're sorry, soften her up.
Buy her a kebab on the way home.
It's not just some sort of tiff, Tony.
And she doesn't eat meat.
Well, you did marry a vegetarian.
All right.
Think like a bird.
You have to pull out the big guns.
Book a nice romantic weekend away.
Paris or Prague.
Somewhere classy.
It's beyond any of that now, mate.
I just want to know what I did wrong.
I thought I was being a new man letting her make all the decisions, sorting everything out.
I thought that's what she liked.
She's thrown it right back in me face.
All this time thinking I'm bone idle, contributing nothing.
What? Well, it's all your own fault, isn't it? You should've put your foot down, told her what's what.
Birds like to know who's boss.
Stop saying birds.
It's not 1975.
They're never going to admit it, but they love a man in charge.
Makes them feel safe, protected.
It's a primal thing.
They know at the end of the day it's a man's world and they have to live by our rules.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS You going to get that? Oh, it's Paula! Damn! I said I'd be home by 10:30.
She'll paste me.
Hey.
I'm telling you, bit of humble pie, wining, dining, tickets for Take That.
You'll soon be out the doghouse.
Night, Lisa.
Night-night, you.
So, you're going to stay together in the same house? Yeah.
I can't see any other way of doing it.
Neither of us can afford to rent somewhere else until we've sold up, so Seven out of ten murder victims are married to their killers.
It was on Discovery! It'll be fine.
It will.
You're sure it's what you want? There's no going back? I did one of those lists.
You know, pros and cons about Gary.
I had about 37 cons and one pro.
LISA CHUCKLES Well, it's a start.
What was it? He puts the bins out.
Was he shocked when you told him? Went berserk.
But it turns out he hasn't been happy, as well.
Someone had to make the first move or we could've gone on like that forever.
Better we walk away now and It's not that I hate him.
I don't.
It's just the whole situation.
He likes to do the same things at the same time on the same day.
There's no ambition.
No bigger picture.
I'm going to crack up.
And what about? Oi, Big Ears, bed! HE SIGHS Well? Do you still fancy him? To be honest, it's a long time since I've thought of him like that.
Sometimes I look at my Phil.
You know, first light in the morning when they're lying there all lovely and innocent, fast asleep.
I just stare at his face.
And you think how lucky you are? No.
I think I really, really wish you were having an affair so I'd have a good reason to leave.
LISA LAUGHS Oh, I can't really fault him.
He's a great dad.
Hm.
But, God, it's boring.
MUSIC BLARES GARY BELCHES Lisa? Lis? I've, er .
.
I've booked us a meal for tomorrow night.
I thought we could make a fresh start, you know.
Clear the air.
I'm going to make this up to you.
It's that Italian place you like.
UmRoberto's.
Hey, it's two mains for a tenner.
You can't say fairer than that.
Look .
.
I know you're angry.
I can see where you're coming from.
I-II have been coasting.
HE SIGHS ButI mean, all this drama over one lousy night out? And don't tell me I never plan nothing cos I've got it all up here.
Little cogs turning.
I have got the long haul sussed.
I mean, 12 years' time, mortgage is off our backs.
We can do what we want then.
Maybe get that, that caravan in Anglesey.
I thought we were forever, Lis.
Thick and thin.
Sickness and in health.
I thought we were going to have kids.
You know what, Gary? I am having kids.
Just not with you.
It's really happening, then, is it? SHE SIGHS I thought you'd have at least slept on it.
I've had years of doing that, Gary.
But a divorce, though.
I mean, are you a million-percent sure? Because I will not be messed about, Lisa! OK.
Listen, I know this is going to be a bit awkward, but if neither of us are going to move out, we've got to act like adults.
Respect each other's space.
You have upstairs, I'll take downstairs.
What if I want downstairs? Fine.
Take it.
I've drawn up a rota for the bathroom.
Kitchen's neutral.
What, like Switzerland(?) Exactly.
We both do our own shopping, cooking, washing, ironing.
You mow the garden, I'll see to the borders.
Just think of us as room-mates.
Ross and Rachel.
The estate agent reckons it'll be snapped up in a couple of weeks.
How bad can it be? With a little bit of politeness and courtesy, we CAN get though this.
You've got it all worked out, haven't you? You can't just divide a marriage over a load of Post-it notes and think it's all done and dusted! The solicitor said we should try to keep it amicable.
Bye.
If that's what you want, Lisa, you can have it with bells on! If you want to sack off our marriage, then that is up to you! But it's not going to be an easy ride! You've had it your own way for too long! I'm not a pushover! Two sugars.
If you're asking.
You're both going to live in the same house? That's proper mental! That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Is that you offering me your spare room? Yeah, I thought not.
I just don't understand why you've agreed to it.
Well, I've not, have I? I've had no say in the matter.
And you're going to have no say when she starts bringing fellas back? You know something I don't, do you? It's inevitable, She's a good-looking woman, your Lisa.
You got your beady eyes on her, have you? Don't be like that! I'll give you her number.
Maybe she's at a loose end Friday night.
I'm just trying to make you see the reality of the situation.
This could go on for months.
Years.
No way! The houses on our road, they sell like that.
Really? And what do I always say is the best assessment of the current economic climate? If they're not taking cabs, they're certainly not buying houses.
I'm telling you, this could drag on and on.
Both of you stuck together, getting more and more bitter.
You can't just keep your lives on hold forever.
One day she's going to get asked out.
Bound to.
And how are you going to feel when she's gadding about, getting all dicky-dolled up to meet some Charlie Big Potatoes and you're stuck in, like Eleanor Rigby? Hey.
You've not told the rest of the lads, have you? MUSIC BLARES Usual, Gary? Yeah.
So, is she carrying on, then, or what? SHOWER RUNS BLEEPING Don't bother, it's locked! I told you, there's no-one else.
I wouldn't care if there was.
Really? Yeah.
Like you said, free agents.
Do what we want.
Room-mates.
Yeah.
Be nice for you to leave the house after all these years(!) So, you won't mind me going on a date, then? Mind?! I'll shave your legs for you! He's done it in here, as well.
THEY LAUGH Yeah, there.
Exactly! Oh, as soon as me back's turned! My half of the bed's not even cold yet and you're bringing up your fancy man! Gary? Well, I tell you what, mate, all sweetness and light at first, then it's, "Why don't we do this, Gary? Why don't we do that, Gary?" Never a minute's peace! I can only apologise.
Mate, mate, best of luck because you are going to need it.
This is Mr Hargreaves.
He's come to view the house.
Oh.
A-hem! We are open to offers.
I've got a few more to look at.
Nice carpet.
You will not stop us selling this house! KNOCK AT DOOR TOILET FLUSH I'd give it 20 minutes if I were you.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS It won't start.
Oh, you need some help? That would be great.
You'd better call the AA, then.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS Shouldn't mix your colours, you know.
Your house is up for sale.
When you go, can I have your basketball hoop? Lisa's going travelling and you won't have room in a bedsit.
You never use it, anyway.
Do I know you? And who says I'm living in a bedsit, anyway? Lisa earns loads more than you.
Who says? What else have they been saying? Mum's told me I've got to stop earwigging.
What about the basketball hoop? All right, I'll throw in the mini trampoline, as well.
What else have you got? How about I don't tell your dad that you've been kicking your Casey against my cab, again? I didn't! He doesn't know that, does he? She's on the net.
So? Who isn't? Are you stupid? Online dating sites! Do you know, there's one just for them that work in uniforms.
Think it'll last forever, do you? Oi! You two.
Kate and Wills.
Kissing in the back of taxis? Can't get enough of each other? Well, make the most of it cos this is as good as it gets.
You two are in for one big, fat, nasty surprise once all this lovey-dovey-doughnut stuff's over.
Oh, yeah.
Both of you sat on the couch, staring out the window, hating the sound of the other one's breathing.
You'll be gutted cos you've got an egg in the nest and she'll be whingeing cos she's got cellulite or you don't ever take her out enough any more.
But you know what the worst thing is? You'll both blame each other for killing the other one's dreams.
And then, after 40 or 50 years of marriage, one of you will die.
But do you know what, to be honest, it'll come as a relief.
Because you have been living a slow, painful death ever since the day you said, "I do.
" Oh, we're here.
HE SOBS RADIO CONTROLLER: "Gary 105, are you there? "Gary 105, pick up, mate.
" 105 receiving.
"Got an urgent pickup at Heartbreak Hotel going on to Dumpsville.
" RAUCOUS LAUGHTER HE SOBS Happy now, are you? Got what you wanted? Going out every night with a load of fellas.
You are crucifying me, you know that? Fellas? I'm going to a Zumba class, you fool! 5:15 you got in the other morning.
What was that, lunar Pilates? None of your business.
I am still your husband! Husband? Person you share your life with, do nice things with? Was that you? Sorry.
I thought you were a random bloke that used to come in for his tea and spend the rest of the night with his hand shoved down his pants.
I can't take this any more, living with you, not living with you.
Then move out, Gary! Go! Just take your stuff and leave.
It's as easy as that.
But just for the record, I didn't want it to be like this.
You're the one turning it into a nightmare.
I never had you down as one cold cow.
Just cutting me off and sticking our marriage on death row! In your head, you moved out months ago! Go on! Admit it! Big world out here, Gary.
You want to give it a go.
What? Get a cover on my hoop, will you? It's going all rusty.
ALL: Hooray! Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray! CHEERING INDISTINCT CHANTING (Don't come over, don't come over, don't come over, don't come over.
) Hiya, Paula.
Aw, Gary! You've lost weight.
How are you coping? Not great, as it happens.
Oh, lovey! I was just up for a tenner on here and it gave me a stream of politics.
Stop it! You're going through one of the most traumatic things a human can experience.
I know you're hurting.
You're angry.
You're in pain.
Tony's singing isn't that bad.
Don't mask it with jokes, Gary! You've got to let your grief out.
Mourn for your marriage.
The wasted years, the sense of bereavement.
You can talk to me.
Hang on! They've just opened the buffet! Everyone's looking at me like I'm some kind of freak, mate.
Thinking, "Oh, what a loser.
No wonder his wife doesn't want to be with him.
" No, they're not.
Come and have a drink.
A sit-down with the lads.
It's like a zoo in there and I'm the main attraction.
Everyone pretending they're interested, but they just want the goss so they can go back to Lisa.
Me life's turning into one big episode of Jeremy Kyle.
You're paranoid.
We're your mates.
You've no idea what I'm going through! Go on, get back in there with your soggy sausage rolls and just thank your lucky stars you're not me! I'm sorry, mate.
I'm best out of here.
Me head's battered.
Faceache gone, then? I told you we should've invited Lisa.
When? Just take it.
Yes! New Year, new you! Date and Play? Clue's in the title.
You're not looking for a wife.
Just someone to play with.
19-year-old twins.
II can't do it.
How many times? You want to get back with the missus, so get another woman.
I'm right, aren't I? Marriage is all about psychological warfare.
Tormenting the opponent.
Right.
Occupation? Huh! Self-employed.
Managing director of own transport company.
CEO sounds better.
Love it.
Very Lord Sugar.
What about when they find out? You're just baiting the hook.
I just don't think I can do this.
It doesn't matter! As long as you get a date out of it so Lisa doesn't think you're sitting round pining for her.
Come on! Right, I've got this regular, right, tells them he's a pilot, but he buffs the floor in duty-free! Drop him off, what, three nights a week.
Fighting them off with a big stick, he is! Right little runt, but might as well be Brad Pitt as far as they're concerned.
See? Women love the flannel.
Flannel? They half know that it's a web of deceit, but who cares? They appreciate the effort.
Nobody wants to hear the ugly truth, Gary.
This better work! Course it will! Do it now.
Right.
Let's think of a name to give your racehorse.
PHONE BEEPS He's back in the saddle! Let's have a look! Ooo! Roxanne.
35, divorced.
THEY CHEER Two kids.
THEY GROAN Likes cinema, theatre, walks in the rain.
Don't they all! Lives in Wrexham.
ã68 fare, that.
Far enough never to have to see her again.
The perfect woman! ã10 says you and Lisa will be back together by the end of the week.
I'll have a bit of that.
You're on! Has she got any allergies? HE SNIFFS HE SIGHS HE SIGHS SHE SIGHS Yougoing anywhere nice? Yeah.
You? Justthe pub.
Maybe onto that new Thai place.
Puschka? Started doing meat and potato pies, have they? That's right, get your digs in.
Might go clubbing later, as well.
What, Seals? Must be a woman involved.
Yeah, as it happens, there is.
I don't know why you're being so hostile.
Mm.
All planned out, is it? Meals, dancing.
Hm.
When was the last time you took me anywhere in a suit? That wasn't a funeral.
Got nothing, have you? SHE SOBS YouAre you crying? (Yes.
) L-Lis? Yes, I'm crying.
You happy now? No.
I-II thought this was what you wanted.
Seeing you, like this, all dressed up for some other woman? And then there's me, stuck in all those years.
I virtually had to put a gun to your head to get you off that couch.
We were in a rut, you know.
You were right.
I-I agreed with you.
I just needed a second chance.
I gave you a hundred chances, Gary.
But now I see.
I just wasn't worth the effort, was I? Just so you know, you might want to get a hotel tonight.
I'm probably bringing someone back.
Hey! Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, so am I! I told you you'd get a reaction.
Phase One successfully completed.
MUSIC BLARES Gary's gone on a date.
LAUGHTER Can I get you another drink? You trying to get me drunk? No, no.
I Try harder.
SHE LAUGHS Oh! Huh! I'll have a vodka cranberry when you're ready.
Sure.
So, you live in Wrexham? Mm-hm.
Nice.
Not really.
Soso, is it flat or national hunts? Sorry? Your racehorse.
Oh! I go riding every Sunday morning.
Ever been? Just once.
Lisa made us go pony trekking on the Trough of Bowland.
Lisa is? Me wife.
Ex wife.
Well, we're still married.
But you're separated.
Yeah, but we live together.
In the same house? Wow! SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY Don't tell me, you've built a brick wall right down the middle? No, nothing like that.
She has upstairs, I have all of downstairs.
Well, apart from Switzerland.
Obviously we share that.
MUSIC BLARES I mean, I know Australia's a long way and that, but maybe I am willing to give it a whirl.
Lisa, she's always trying new things.
I'm just not adventurous enough.
Maybe that's where I've been going wrong.
Just too long in me comfort zone.
I said to her the other day, I said, "I admit it.
Our marriage has taken a back seat.
" She said, "It's never been in the front seat, Gary.
" Huh-huh! She's deaddead sharp like that.
Can we shut up about Lisa? I've got a childminder back home on ã7.
50 an hour and I want to get my money's worth.
If you're not man enough, it's fine, but Who said anything about not being man enough?! SHE CHUCKLES Well, saddle up, then, Gaz.
We'll have a double in there.
Make it a treble.
SHE CHUCKLES LOW CHATTER RAY LAUGHS / ROXANNE RETCHES Oh, it's not funny, Ray! I should never have listened to you lot! Name your price.
You're kidding, aren't you? No cleanups in the back of this cab.
It's madness out there.
Well, what am I supposed to do? No hotel's going to take her in this state! Well, drag her back to yours and wind the missus up.
I thought that was the master plan.
RAY LAUGHS Oh, come on! Stop! SHE LAUGHS ANIMATED CHATTER I don't know anything about that.
SHE LAUGHS I wouldn't go there.
Hey, thanks for tonight.
Been all right, hasn't it? Did you have a nice time? I'm not very good at dating.
I mean, you are a lovely girl, but I did say to the lads I wasn't quite ready yet.
And it's not you, it is me.
I know everyone says that, but All right? There is a train in about .
.
in about six-and-a-half hours.
You'll be all right.
OK? See you, then.
Safe journey back.
You're so lovely! Horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey! Ssh! Shut up, will you? You're going to wake the neighbours! Yes, horsey, horsey.
SHE LAUGHS Go on, giddy up! Oop! THUD! Oi, I fell off.
Whoo! Lis? SHE CHUCKLES Lisa! Open this door.
I'm having no man in my house! Gary, stop it! What the hell do you think you're doing? Lisa, I mean it! Open this bloody door! Go to bed, for God's sake! Pack it in! You're behaving mental! Where is he? Eh? Under the duvet.
I'll kill him! Try the sock drawer.
But you but you said I know what I said! But that was to get back at you.
What kind of woman brings another man to the house where she still lives with her husband? I would not do that to you, Gary.
No matter how bad things got.
How was your night? Hey, lover boy! (I'm sorry.
) Get out! GIGGLING Stewed, three Sweetex.
Just how you like it.
Cheers! Just you watch.
Things always start to pick up around Easter.
Hm! I don't think I'll last that long.
Things were bad before, but I've really messed up.
Why did I listen to the lads? My mates had a sweep.
Guess the day of the decree absolute.
What I realised, though, is that she was right and he was long gone.
Who? The fella she fell in love with.
The fella who made her smile, promised her the world.
And with him AWOL, nothing worth her sticking around for.
You could be happy All yours! And I won't know But you weren't happy the day I watched you go Hiya! ALL: Hi! All right, girls.
Have a nice night.
Thank you.
'Bye! Good night, Gaz.
Right, then, come on.
I've booked us a really nice table.
You'll love it.
I was going to make a start on that bathroom.
Warm magnolia.
Nice! Scrambled eggs? Yeah, go on, then.
Stilton special? Yeah.
She's cookingbreakfast for you? Yeah.
I mean, it's only brekky.
I still do the tea and we've not actually had an argument now for about three months.
You've gone from Sid and Nancy to Terry and June.
Zero aggro, nice place to live, come and go as you please.
You're living the dream.
Big time.
Hey, we even went the cinema last night.
Snogging in the back row, were you? Hey, behave! We just happened to want to see the same thing on the same night.
Soundsgreat.
It's weird! Divorced.
Living in the same house.
Going to see a film.
On a Monday! It's not normal.
It's like you're French.
Here we are, guys, Puschka.
Supposed to be lovely in there.
Massive portions and they don't rip you off with the booze.
I hate that, don't you? ã25 for a ã2 bottle of wine.
What is it, then? Birthday? Anniversary? You don't need an excuse sometimes, do you? It's just nice getting dressed up and treating yourselves.
Even if it is a school night.
Who cares, eh? Just enjoy each other's company, get waited on, spend some time together.
All right, you two.
Have a top time.
See you! Gary? I know you don't know me from Adam, mate, but there's something you should know about this woman.
Gary, what are you doing? Sheis fabulous.
You will not get one better than her.
She's brilliant and, and kind and, and beautiful.
Well, you canyou can see that for yourself.
She'll make you laugh when you feel like crap and make you do stuff, weird stuff.
Abseiling and learning Japanese and .
.
just like walks on a beach in the morning.
Sunday mornings, dead early.
You'll want to stay in bed reading the papers, having a lie-in, but you'll go and .
.
you'll be glad you did because you got to spend some time with her.
Just the two of you.
And she'll do your VAT.
She's dead good with numbers.
I justI just want you to know what you've got because .
.
because I didn't and and I blew it.
Big time.
II would give my right arm to be where you are right now.
Eating chow mein and drinking wine at 7:45 on a Tuesday night.
But I'm not.
Because I had my chance and .
.
I messed it up.
Anywayenjoy your dinner.
I'm sorry.
Oh! She makes brilliant scrambled eggs, as well, with blue cheese.
Sounds like it should be rank, but it's well nice.
Tangy.
AnywayI just thought you should know.
I-I'm sorry.
I just saw you by chance and I-I couldn't help meself.
Gary? I meant every word, though.
I just wanted him to know just how lucky he was.
HE SIGHS As long as he treats you right.
He did have funny ears, though.
Did you notice that? I didn't notice.
Look, it, it won't happen again and I'm not stalking you, I just Gary? You said some really nice things.
It looks like we've sold the house.
What? Yeah.
Estate agent's rang.
Remember that couple that slagged off the front room? The Dunphys? That was months ago.
Yeah.
They've put an offer in.
They haven't! Yeah.
I mean, ã15,000 underneath the asking price, but Cheeky gits! THEY CHUCKLE I accepted it.
So I suppose that means we can finally go our separate ways.
She hated the kitchen.
Told me to me face.
Yeah, well, he's after ripping out that power shower.
Putting in a corner bath.
Idiot! THEY CHUCKLE WellI suppose we should be celebrating.
Fancy a drink? Yeah.
Why not.
Your place or mine? When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie That's amore When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine That's amore Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling ting-a-ling-a-ling And you'll sing, Vita bella
How was work? The usual.
But look at this.
Ta-da! Popped out at lunchtime.
It was in the sale.
Thought I could wear it tonight.
Tonight? 8:30.
Puschka.
Table for two.
Do you mind if we leave it, love? Get a takeaway.
Small Terry's done us a load of DVDs.
Another perfect Saturday night in(!) WHIRRING FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TELEVISION COMMENTARY CONTINUES LISA TURNS TELEVISION OFF What are you playing at? I need you to look at this.
Right now? If you can fit it into your busy schedule(!) This is our house.
Yeah.
I'm going to tell the estate agent to put it on the market.
Since when are we moving? I want a divorce, Gary! You're kidding! Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure you and Alan Hansen will be very happy together.
Hey! Hang on! Hey! Lisa! I'm talking to you! Well? Well, what's brought this on? I mean, you don't just come home and decide you want a divorce! I didn't just decide, Gary.
Right, who is he? What? You know what.
Is there someone else? There is no-one else! Oh, really? Oh, don't be so stupid! Well, what's your problem, then?! Us! You and me! We're the problem! What?! Don't act surprised.
We've been going through the motions for years! Oh, fine, then! Pack your stuff.
A few warnings would've been nice.
A hint here and there.
Maybe a text! Oh, well, what's the point? You just sit on the sofa doing nothing with that gormless look on your face! No, I don't! Oh, yeah? Well, who books the holidays? Manages the finances? Decides where we? Oh, whatever! Who's the control freak? Who has to have everything just the way she likes it? People in comas make more decisions than you do, Gary.
Oh, so you thought you'd go behind me back, did you? Get the house valued.
When did you decide that? Huh! It's that Roy, innit, off the Mortgage Desk.
Always going on about his stupid catamaran.
I have told you, there is no-one else! Hang on.
This is my stuff! Yeah.
Well, I thought you could move in with your mum.
Oh, did you now? I am going nowhere.
You decided this! You wanted to split up! So you can move back home! I can't! You know Mum's moved Geoff in! I knew you'd be like this.
Oh, what did you expect? "Hiya, Gary, do you like me new dress, Gary?" "You know that life you've been having? I'm about to flush it down the toilet!" Life?! I've not exactly been walking on sunshine all these years meself.
Then why didn't you send me a text? Surprise, surprise, you couldn't be bothered! Oh, do you know what, Lisa? Do what you want! But I tell you one thing, I am not moving out of this house! It's the right thing to do! Better we do it now than in another 14 years! DOOR SLAMS SHU Thanks, love.
Take no notice.
Birds say these things.
They love the drama.
By the time you get home, she'll want to kiss and make up.
She's had an estate agent 'round.
Oh, has she hell! It's a wind-up.
They've taken pictures for the website.
Listen, when you get in, just say you're sorry, soften her up.
Buy her a kebab on the way home.
It's not just some sort of tiff, Tony.
And she doesn't eat meat.
Well, you did marry a vegetarian.
All right.
Think like a bird.
You have to pull out the big guns.
Book a nice romantic weekend away.
Paris or Prague.
Somewhere classy.
It's beyond any of that now, mate.
I just want to know what I did wrong.
I thought I was being a new man letting her make all the decisions, sorting everything out.
I thought that's what she liked.
She's thrown it right back in me face.
All this time thinking I'm bone idle, contributing nothing.
What? Well, it's all your own fault, isn't it? You should've put your foot down, told her what's what.
Birds like to know who's boss.
Stop saying birds.
It's not 1975.
They're never going to admit it, but they love a man in charge.
Makes them feel safe, protected.
It's a primal thing.
They know at the end of the day it's a man's world and they have to live by our rules.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS You going to get that? Oh, it's Paula! Damn! I said I'd be home by 10:30.
She'll paste me.
Hey.
I'm telling you, bit of humble pie, wining, dining, tickets for Take That.
You'll soon be out the doghouse.
Night, Lisa.
Night-night, you.
So, you're going to stay together in the same house? Yeah.
I can't see any other way of doing it.
Neither of us can afford to rent somewhere else until we've sold up, so Seven out of ten murder victims are married to their killers.
It was on Discovery! It'll be fine.
It will.
You're sure it's what you want? There's no going back? I did one of those lists.
You know, pros and cons about Gary.
I had about 37 cons and one pro.
LISA CHUCKLES Well, it's a start.
What was it? He puts the bins out.
Was he shocked when you told him? Went berserk.
But it turns out he hasn't been happy, as well.
Someone had to make the first move or we could've gone on like that forever.
Better we walk away now and It's not that I hate him.
I don't.
It's just the whole situation.
He likes to do the same things at the same time on the same day.
There's no ambition.
No bigger picture.
I'm going to crack up.
And what about? Oi, Big Ears, bed! HE SIGHS Well? Do you still fancy him? To be honest, it's a long time since I've thought of him like that.
Sometimes I look at my Phil.
You know, first light in the morning when they're lying there all lovely and innocent, fast asleep.
I just stare at his face.
And you think how lucky you are? No.
I think I really, really wish you were having an affair so I'd have a good reason to leave.
LISA LAUGHS Oh, I can't really fault him.
He's a great dad.
Hm.
But, God, it's boring.
MUSIC BLARES GARY BELCHES Lisa? Lis? I've, er .
.
I've booked us a meal for tomorrow night.
I thought we could make a fresh start, you know.
Clear the air.
I'm going to make this up to you.
It's that Italian place you like.
UmRoberto's.
Hey, it's two mains for a tenner.
You can't say fairer than that.
Look .
.
I know you're angry.
I can see where you're coming from.
I-II have been coasting.
HE SIGHS ButI mean, all this drama over one lousy night out? And don't tell me I never plan nothing cos I've got it all up here.
Little cogs turning.
I have got the long haul sussed.
I mean, 12 years' time, mortgage is off our backs.
We can do what we want then.
Maybe get that, that caravan in Anglesey.
I thought we were forever, Lis.
Thick and thin.
Sickness and in health.
I thought we were going to have kids.
You know what, Gary? I am having kids.
Just not with you.
It's really happening, then, is it? SHE SIGHS I thought you'd have at least slept on it.
I've had years of doing that, Gary.
But a divorce, though.
I mean, are you a million-percent sure? Because I will not be messed about, Lisa! OK.
Listen, I know this is going to be a bit awkward, but if neither of us are going to move out, we've got to act like adults.
Respect each other's space.
You have upstairs, I'll take downstairs.
What if I want downstairs? Fine.
Take it.
I've drawn up a rota for the bathroom.
Kitchen's neutral.
What, like Switzerland(?) Exactly.
We both do our own shopping, cooking, washing, ironing.
You mow the garden, I'll see to the borders.
Just think of us as room-mates.
Ross and Rachel.
The estate agent reckons it'll be snapped up in a couple of weeks.
How bad can it be? With a little bit of politeness and courtesy, we CAN get though this.
You've got it all worked out, haven't you? You can't just divide a marriage over a load of Post-it notes and think it's all done and dusted! The solicitor said we should try to keep it amicable.
Bye.
If that's what you want, Lisa, you can have it with bells on! If you want to sack off our marriage, then that is up to you! But it's not going to be an easy ride! You've had it your own way for too long! I'm not a pushover! Two sugars.
If you're asking.
You're both going to live in the same house? That's proper mental! That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Is that you offering me your spare room? Yeah, I thought not.
I just don't understand why you've agreed to it.
Well, I've not, have I? I've had no say in the matter.
And you're going to have no say when she starts bringing fellas back? You know something I don't, do you? It's inevitable, She's a good-looking woman, your Lisa.
You got your beady eyes on her, have you? Don't be like that! I'll give you her number.
Maybe she's at a loose end Friday night.
I'm just trying to make you see the reality of the situation.
This could go on for months.
Years.
No way! The houses on our road, they sell like that.
Really? And what do I always say is the best assessment of the current economic climate? If they're not taking cabs, they're certainly not buying houses.
I'm telling you, this could drag on and on.
Both of you stuck together, getting more and more bitter.
You can't just keep your lives on hold forever.
One day she's going to get asked out.
Bound to.
And how are you going to feel when she's gadding about, getting all dicky-dolled up to meet some Charlie Big Potatoes and you're stuck in, like Eleanor Rigby? Hey.
You've not told the rest of the lads, have you? MUSIC BLARES Usual, Gary? Yeah.
So, is she carrying on, then, or what? SHOWER RUNS BLEEPING Don't bother, it's locked! I told you, there's no-one else.
I wouldn't care if there was.
Really? Yeah.
Like you said, free agents.
Do what we want.
Room-mates.
Yeah.
Be nice for you to leave the house after all these years(!) So, you won't mind me going on a date, then? Mind?! I'll shave your legs for you! He's done it in here, as well.
THEY LAUGH Yeah, there.
Exactly! Oh, as soon as me back's turned! My half of the bed's not even cold yet and you're bringing up your fancy man! Gary? Well, I tell you what, mate, all sweetness and light at first, then it's, "Why don't we do this, Gary? Why don't we do that, Gary?" Never a minute's peace! I can only apologise.
Mate, mate, best of luck because you are going to need it.
This is Mr Hargreaves.
He's come to view the house.
Oh.
A-hem! We are open to offers.
I've got a few more to look at.
Nice carpet.
You will not stop us selling this house! KNOCK AT DOOR TOILET FLUSH I'd give it 20 minutes if I were you.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS It won't start.
Oh, you need some help? That would be great.
You'd better call the AA, then.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS Shouldn't mix your colours, you know.
Your house is up for sale.
When you go, can I have your basketball hoop? Lisa's going travelling and you won't have room in a bedsit.
You never use it, anyway.
Do I know you? And who says I'm living in a bedsit, anyway? Lisa earns loads more than you.
Who says? What else have they been saying? Mum's told me I've got to stop earwigging.
What about the basketball hoop? All right, I'll throw in the mini trampoline, as well.
What else have you got? How about I don't tell your dad that you've been kicking your Casey against my cab, again? I didn't! He doesn't know that, does he? She's on the net.
So? Who isn't? Are you stupid? Online dating sites! Do you know, there's one just for them that work in uniforms.
Think it'll last forever, do you? Oi! You two.
Kate and Wills.
Kissing in the back of taxis? Can't get enough of each other? Well, make the most of it cos this is as good as it gets.
You two are in for one big, fat, nasty surprise once all this lovey-dovey-doughnut stuff's over.
Oh, yeah.
Both of you sat on the couch, staring out the window, hating the sound of the other one's breathing.
You'll be gutted cos you've got an egg in the nest and she'll be whingeing cos she's got cellulite or you don't ever take her out enough any more.
But you know what the worst thing is? You'll both blame each other for killing the other one's dreams.
And then, after 40 or 50 years of marriage, one of you will die.
But do you know what, to be honest, it'll come as a relief.
Because you have been living a slow, painful death ever since the day you said, "I do.
" Oh, we're here.
HE SOBS RADIO CONTROLLER: "Gary 105, are you there? "Gary 105, pick up, mate.
" 105 receiving.
"Got an urgent pickup at Heartbreak Hotel going on to Dumpsville.
" RAUCOUS LAUGHTER HE SOBS Happy now, are you? Got what you wanted? Going out every night with a load of fellas.
You are crucifying me, you know that? Fellas? I'm going to a Zumba class, you fool! 5:15 you got in the other morning.
What was that, lunar Pilates? None of your business.
I am still your husband! Husband? Person you share your life with, do nice things with? Was that you? Sorry.
I thought you were a random bloke that used to come in for his tea and spend the rest of the night with his hand shoved down his pants.
I can't take this any more, living with you, not living with you.
Then move out, Gary! Go! Just take your stuff and leave.
It's as easy as that.
But just for the record, I didn't want it to be like this.
You're the one turning it into a nightmare.
I never had you down as one cold cow.
Just cutting me off and sticking our marriage on death row! In your head, you moved out months ago! Go on! Admit it! Big world out here, Gary.
You want to give it a go.
What? Get a cover on my hoop, will you? It's going all rusty.
ALL: Hooray! Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray! CHEERING INDISTINCT CHANTING (Don't come over, don't come over, don't come over, don't come over.
) Hiya, Paula.
Aw, Gary! You've lost weight.
How are you coping? Not great, as it happens.
Oh, lovey! I was just up for a tenner on here and it gave me a stream of politics.
Stop it! You're going through one of the most traumatic things a human can experience.
I know you're hurting.
You're angry.
You're in pain.
Tony's singing isn't that bad.
Don't mask it with jokes, Gary! You've got to let your grief out.
Mourn for your marriage.
The wasted years, the sense of bereavement.
You can talk to me.
Hang on! They've just opened the buffet! Everyone's looking at me like I'm some kind of freak, mate.
Thinking, "Oh, what a loser.
No wonder his wife doesn't want to be with him.
" No, they're not.
Come and have a drink.
A sit-down with the lads.
It's like a zoo in there and I'm the main attraction.
Everyone pretending they're interested, but they just want the goss so they can go back to Lisa.
Me life's turning into one big episode of Jeremy Kyle.
You're paranoid.
We're your mates.
You've no idea what I'm going through! Go on, get back in there with your soggy sausage rolls and just thank your lucky stars you're not me! I'm sorry, mate.
I'm best out of here.
Me head's battered.
Faceache gone, then? I told you we should've invited Lisa.
When? Just take it.
Yes! New Year, new you! Date and Play? Clue's in the title.
You're not looking for a wife.
Just someone to play with.
19-year-old twins.
II can't do it.
How many times? You want to get back with the missus, so get another woman.
I'm right, aren't I? Marriage is all about psychological warfare.
Tormenting the opponent.
Right.
Occupation? Huh! Self-employed.
Managing director of own transport company.
CEO sounds better.
Love it.
Very Lord Sugar.
What about when they find out? You're just baiting the hook.
I just don't think I can do this.
It doesn't matter! As long as you get a date out of it so Lisa doesn't think you're sitting round pining for her.
Come on! Right, I've got this regular, right, tells them he's a pilot, but he buffs the floor in duty-free! Drop him off, what, three nights a week.
Fighting them off with a big stick, he is! Right little runt, but might as well be Brad Pitt as far as they're concerned.
See? Women love the flannel.
Flannel? They half know that it's a web of deceit, but who cares? They appreciate the effort.
Nobody wants to hear the ugly truth, Gary.
This better work! Course it will! Do it now.
Right.
Let's think of a name to give your racehorse.
PHONE BEEPS He's back in the saddle! Let's have a look! Ooo! Roxanne.
35, divorced.
THEY CHEER Two kids.
THEY GROAN Likes cinema, theatre, walks in the rain.
Don't they all! Lives in Wrexham.
ã68 fare, that.
Far enough never to have to see her again.
The perfect woman! ã10 says you and Lisa will be back together by the end of the week.
I'll have a bit of that.
You're on! Has she got any allergies? HE SNIFFS HE SIGHS HE SIGHS SHE SIGHS Yougoing anywhere nice? Yeah.
You? Justthe pub.
Maybe onto that new Thai place.
Puschka? Started doing meat and potato pies, have they? That's right, get your digs in.
Might go clubbing later, as well.
What, Seals? Must be a woman involved.
Yeah, as it happens, there is.
I don't know why you're being so hostile.
Mm.
All planned out, is it? Meals, dancing.
Hm.
When was the last time you took me anywhere in a suit? That wasn't a funeral.
Got nothing, have you? SHE SOBS YouAre you crying? (Yes.
) L-Lis? Yes, I'm crying.
You happy now? No.
I-II thought this was what you wanted.
Seeing you, like this, all dressed up for some other woman? And then there's me, stuck in all those years.
I virtually had to put a gun to your head to get you off that couch.
We were in a rut, you know.
You were right.
I-I agreed with you.
I just needed a second chance.
I gave you a hundred chances, Gary.
But now I see.
I just wasn't worth the effort, was I? Just so you know, you might want to get a hotel tonight.
I'm probably bringing someone back.
Hey! Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, so am I! I told you you'd get a reaction.
Phase One successfully completed.
MUSIC BLARES Gary's gone on a date.
LAUGHTER Can I get you another drink? You trying to get me drunk? No, no.
I Try harder.
SHE LAUGHS Oh! Huh! I'll have a vodka cranberry when you're ready.
Sure.
So, you live in Wrexham? Mm-hm.
Nice.
Not really.
Soso, is it flat or national hunts? Sorry? Your racehorse.
Oh! I go riding every Sunday morning.
Ever been? Just once.
Lisa made us go pony trekking on the Trough of Bowland.
Lisa is? Me wife.
Ex wife.
Well, we're still married.
But you're separated.
Yeah, but we live together.
In the same house? Wow! SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY Don't tell me, you've built a brick wall right down the middle? No, nothing like that.
She has upstairs, I have all of downstairs.
Well, apart from Switzerland.
Obviously we share that.
MUSIC BLARES I mean, I know Australia's a long way and that, but maybe I am willing to give it a whirl.
Lisa, she's always trying new things.
I'm just not adventurous enough.
Maybe that's where I've been going wrong.
Just too long in me comfort zone.
I said to her the other day, I said, "I admit it.
Our marriage has taken a back seat.
" She said, "It's never been in the front seat, Gary.
" Huh-huh! She's deaddead sharp like that.
Can we shut up about Lisa? I've got a childminder back home on ã7.
50 an hour and I want to get my money's worth.
If you're not man enough, it's fine, but Who said anything about not being man enough?! SHE CHUCKLES Well, saddle up, then, Gaz.
We'll have a double in there.
Make it a treble.
SHE CHUCKLES LOW CHATTER RAY LAUGHS / ROXANNE RETCHES Oh, it's not funny, Ray! I should never have listened to you lot! Name your price.
You're kidding, aren't you? No cleanups in the back of this cab.
It's madness out there.
Well, what am I supposed to do? No hotel's going to take her in this state! Well, drag her back to yours and wind the missus up.
I thought that was the master plan.
RAY LAUGHS Oh, come on! Stop! SHE LAUGHS ANIMATED CHATTER I don't know anything about that.
SHE LAUGHS I wouldn't go there.
Hey, thanks for tonight.
Been all right, hasn't it? Did you have a nice time? I'm not very good at dating.
I mean, you are a lovely girl, but I did say to the lads I wasn't quite ready yet.
And it's not you, it is me.
I know everyone says that, but All right? There is a train in about .
.
in about six-and-a-half hours.
You'll be all right.
OK? See you, then.
Safe journey back.
You're so lovely! Horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey! Ssh! Shut up, will you? You're going to wake the neighbours! Yes, horsey, horsey.
SHE LAUGHS Go on, giddy up! Oop! THUD! Oi, I fell off.
Whoo! Lis? SHE CHUCKLES Lisa! Open this door.
I'm having no man in my house! Gary, stop it! What the hell do you think you're doing? Lisa, I mean it! Open this bloody door! Go to bed, for God's sake! Pack it in! You're behaving mental! Where is he? Eh? Under the duvet.
I'll kill him! Try the sock drawer.
But you but you said I know what I said! But that was to get back at you.
What kind of woman brings another man to the house where she still lives with her husband? I would not do that to you, Gary.
No matter how bad things got.
How was your night? Hey, lover boy! (I'm sorry.
) Get out! GIGGLING Stewed, three Sweetex.
Just how you like it.
Cheers! Just you watch.
Things always start to pick up around Easter.
Hm! I don't think I'll last that long.
Things were bad before, but I've really messed up.
Why did I listen to the lads? My mates had a sweep.
Guess the day of the decree absolute.
What I realised, though, is that she was right and he was long gone.
Who? The fella she fell in love with.
The fella who made her smile, promised her the world.
And with him AWOL, nothing worth her sticking around for.
You could be happy All yours! And I won't know But you weren't happy the day I watched you go Hiya! ALL: Hi! All right, girls.
Have a nice night.
Thank you.
'Bye! Good night, Gaz.
Right, then, come on.
I've booked us a really nice table.
You'll love it.
I was going to make a start on that bathroom.
Warm magnolia.
Nice! Scrambled eggs? Yeah, go on, then.
Stilton special? Yeah.
She's cookingbreakfast for you? Yeah.
I mean, it's only brekky.
I still do the tea and we've not actually had an argument now for about three months.
You've gone from Sid and Nancy to Terry and June.
Zero aggro, nice place to live, come and go as you please.
You're living the dream.
Big time.
Hey, we even went the cinema last night.
Snogging in the back row, were you? Hey, behave! We just happened to want to see the same thing on the same night.
Soundsgreat.
It's weird! Divorced.
Living in the same house.
Going to see a film.
On a Monday! It's not normal.
It's like you're French.
Here we are, guys, Puschka.
Supposed to be lovely in there.
Massive portions and they don't rip you off with the booze.
I hate that, don't you? ã25 for a ã2 bottle of wine.
What is it, then? Birthday? Anniversary? You don't need an excuse sometimes, do you? It's just nice getting dressed up and treating yourselves.
Even if it is a school night.
Who cares, eh? Just enjoy each other's company, get waited on, spend some time together.
All right, you two.
Have a top time.
See you! Gary? I know you don't know me from Adam, mate, but there's something you should know about this woman.
Gary, what are you doing? Sheis fabulous.
You will not get one better than her.
She's brilliant and, and kind and, and beautiful.
Well, you canyou can see that for yourself.
She'll make you laugh when you feel like crap and make you do stuff, weird stuff.
Abseiling and learning Japanese and .
.
just like walks on a beach in the morning.
Sunday mornings, dead early.
You'll want to stay in bed reading the papers, having a lie-in, but you'll go and .
.
you'll be glad you did because you got to spend some time with her.
Just the two of you.
And she'll do your VAT.
She's dead good with numbers.
I justI just want you to know what you've got because .
.
because I didn't and and I blew it.
Big time.
II would give my right arm to be where you are right now.
Eating chow mein and drinking wine at 7:45 on a Tuesday night.
But I'm not.
Because I had my chance and .
.
I messed it up.
Anywayenjoy your dinner.
I'm sorry.
Oh! She makes brilliant scrambled eggs, as well, with blue cheese.
Sounds like it should be rank, but it's well nice.
Tangy.
AnywayI just thought you should know.
I-I'm sorry.
I just saw you by chance and I-I couldn't help meself.
Gary? I meant every word, though.
I just wanted him to know just how lucky he was.
HE SIGHS As long as he treats you right.
He did have funny ears, though.
Did you notice that? I didn't notice.
Look, it, it won't happen again and I'm not stalking you, I just Gary? You said some really nice things.
It looks like we've sold the house.
What? Yeah.
Estate agent's rang.
Remember that couple that slagged off the front room? The Dunphys? That was months ago.
Yeah.
They've put an offer in.
They haven't! Yeah.
I mean, ã15,000 underneath the asking price, but Cheeky gits! THEY CHUCKLE I accepted it.
So I suppose that means we can finally go our separate ways.
She hated the kitchen.
Told me to me face.
Yeah, well, he's after ripping out that power shower.
Putting in a corner bath.
Idiot! THEY CHUCKLE WellI suppose we should be celebrating.
Fancy a drink? Yeah.
Why not.
Your place or mine? When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie That's amore When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine That's amore Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling ting-a-ling-a-ling And you'll sing, Vita bella