My Family (2000) s04e05 Episode Script

Hello, all.
I come bearing kiwi.
Thank you.
I love kiwi.
Do you like kiwi, Abi? So that's why they can't fly.
- What are you doing here? - You invited me.
- No, I did not.
- You did.
I just forgot to tell you.
- Can I make you some bacon? - I'll have what Abi's having.
Get your own.
- Have a seat, Roger.
- What? What's that lovely perfume? Scrambled eggs.
It smells divine.
See that? He fancies her.
It's so sweet.
It is not sweet.
It's dangerous.
- Why? I think they'd make a nice couple.
- Two wrongs do not make a right.
He likes her.
All he needs is a push in the right direction.
- And I am that pusher.
- Well, you can leave me out.
I knew I could count on you.
The leader of the squirrel people is called Andy.
- I'd better go.
I'm gonna be late for work.
- Already? I was hoping we could talk more about squirrels.
- Some other time.
- It's a date.
You know, Roger, call me romantic, but I think you like someone.
What do you mean? Let's just say I've noticed you coming around here more often.
- I don't know what to say.
- You don't have to say anything.
It'll be our little secret.
Susan, I'm flattered, but I consider you a good friend.
- I don't think you understand.
- Look, never in a million years.
All right, Roger, I get it.
- I'm not talking about me.
- Oh, thank God.
You don't have to be that relieved.
All I'm saying is, it's obvious that you like someone else.
Actually, I do have my eye on someone.
But I don't know how to talk to her.
I've dedicated my life to dentistry.
I've got no real experience with women.
- Except for their teeth.
- Relax.
Even the most inept people have romance inside them.
I mean, look at Ben.
When he was wooing me, he wrote me the most romantic poem.
Your husband Ben? Yes.
I still remember every word.
It's called Susan's Face.
"For all of my life I have searched for your face "And now I have seen it "I've now seen the smile, the eyes "Felt the wondrous embrace of the face I've been looking for - "My soul has searched for the - (Both) "luminous face "that I now behold before me.
" - What? - It's uncanny.
Ben's poem is almost exactly like a poem by Jelaluddin Rumi.
Really.
But it is different.
His was called Your Face.
Ben's is called Susan's Face.
I have some very important news so I need your full attention.
- Oi, Nick.
- Nick! I've decided to dedicate my body to science.
Very good.
When's the autopsy? No, listen, Dad.
The drugs companies have stopped testing on rats and monkeys cos of all the animal rights protests.
Now they're using humans instead.
So you're going to be a human lab rat? - Great plan, eh? - Yeah, you could grow a third ear.
Brilliant! I'll be like a superhero.
Sonar Man.
No! The Earwig.
What about Prat Man? No, no, Dad.
But seriously, mate.
I'm gonna make a fortune.
And I'll be eligible for the company pension plan.
If I survive the first year.
Don't you think even for you this scheme is a little dangerous? Don't worry, mate.
These babies are harmless.
"Caution: This drug may cause short-term memory loss.
" Ah, but it may not.
What happens if I forget who you are? What happens if you forget where you live? What Good luck with the new job.
Ben.
A word.
One word or several? I think I'm gonna need one of those.
One of what? Look, I said I'm sorry.
I don't know why you're making such a big deal about one little poem.
Do you mean the romantic poem you supposedly wrote to me? The poem that made me fall in love with you? The poem that got me into the sack? Yeah, that one.
It's not funny, Ben.
That night was very special to me.
I gave you the most precious part of myself because of that poem.
You stole my virginity.
You didn't have it to steal! You weren't a virgin! It was my first time with you.
Women get to start afresh with each man.
- What? - The point is I slept with you under false pretences.
Well, nothing's changed then.
Don't you see? Our entire marriage is based on a lie.
How dare you say that? Our marriage is based on many lies.
I didn't fall in love with you.
I fell in love with Jelaluddin Rumi.
Good.
Then the kids are his.
I wasn't lying.
I was just expressing myself through somebody else's words.
I love you.
I mean, it took me a lot of time and effort to copy that poem.
Come on, Susan.
Come on.
Let me make it up to you, hey? - Come on.
- I don't know.
Go on.
Let me.
Go on.
- Well, maybe.
- Yeah, you know you won't regret it.
OK.
I want another poem.
You're not serious.
I want to feel that you're as passionate about me as I thought you were.
I want you to show me your love.
Why didn't you say so? With pen and paper.
No cheating this time.
I want it to come from your heart.
What does it matter what body part it comes from? Until I see that poem, we're not making love.
Oh, fine.
Fine.
Huh.
Can we still have sex? You can.
But try to be quiet.
I'm going to sleep.
There once was a woman named Susan Who wouldn't have sex with me Good morning, fellow plaque warrior.
I love the smell of fluoride in the morning.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the stool pigeon.
Looks as if someone's a Gloomy Gus.
- Looks like someone's an idiot.
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
Thanks to you, Roger, I have to write Susan a real poem.
That shouldn't be too hard.
Just think about all the things you love about her and then make them rhyme.
- What have you got so far? - Get out.
OK.
What rhymes with out? You're obviously good at poetry, Roger.
Why don't you write it for me? Because nobody can express what's in your heart like you.
- Very deep.
Here's the pen.
- You can do it.
You just need a little inspiration.
Like a song or a film.
What's your favourite film? Die Hard.
What about Sense And Sensibility? Remember that scene when Colonel Brandon carries Marianne home in the rain? (Sobs) Sorry.
That bit always gets me.
Thanks for all your help, Roger.
Don't mention it.
(Sobs) There once was a woman named Susan Surrounded by terrorists in a high-rise building.
Hey.
What's your name? Stefan.
- Stefan, is that your water? - Yeah.
So Nick, any side effects to that experiment you're doing? What experiment? The drugs you've been taking for that pharmaceutical company.
Oh, that.
Great, man.
Just got paid.
Good.
Could you pay me back that L5 you owe me? Sure.
- Hey, Nick.
Nick.
- Hm? Could you pay me back that L5 you owe me? Sure.
- Evening, men.
- Who's that? Television repairman.
- Where's your mother? - Upstairs.
She has a surprise for you.
Ha! She's finally cracked.
Uh what about the telly? Ha! Couldn't take the strain, eh? Susan? I heard you had a surprise for me.
That depends.
Do you have a poem for me? I tried.
I really did.
I tried.
The best I could come up with was, "There was once a woman named Susan.
" Pity.
Wow.
Rumi wouldn't have said, "Wow".
Susan.
I'm not a poet.
I'm a dentist.
Perhaps I could express my love by making a mould of your teeth.
You gave me that for our third anniversary.
Oh, boy.
Oh-oh.
- Do you have to tempt me like this? - Yes.
Now excuse me.
I have to practice my Tantric clenching exercises.
Oh, God.
Oh, Ben.
I'd like nothing better than to have you rip this lingerie off me with your teeth.
- And feel your hands caressing me.
- Oh, yeah.
- As we melt into each other's arms - Oh, God, yeah.
in an uncontrollable fit of passion.
- But I can't.
- Oh, OK.
You know, blackmail is not a pretty word.
Neither is celibacy.
Stop it.
What makes you think I can't hold out as long as you? Huh? OK? You want to play that game? Play that game.
I can do that as well, yeah? What about this, hey? Hey? Yeah.
You think that's good? What about this? That's nothing, baby.
They like this, OK? They really like that, OK? Yes? And what about this? Oh, God.
And how about this? - This is good? - OK, baby.
Yeah.
Does Dad know about you two? Good morning.
Sleep well? - Fine.
- Fabulous.
- Sleep of the just.
- Ha! You were restless all night.
Ha! Why, were you awake all night watching me? I had to make sure you didn't touch me.
Oh, yes, I forgot.
You're a virgin.
Keep it up, little man.
You may never have sex again.
I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.
Don't flatter yourself.
How did you sleep, dear? I'm afraid to say.
- Say cheese.
- What? - What are you doing? What's this? - Just a precaution.
I can't be too sure who I can trust around here.
What? "Must trim his nose hair.
" What's that on your arm? I'm writing important reminders to myself on my body.
- I saw it in a movie once.
- Memento? I think it was called The Sound Of Music.
"Don't forget important message on chest.
" - "Tape Brookside.
" - Thanks for reminding me.
Have you got a pen? I want to remind Nick he's an idiot.
So you can write on your own son but you can't write me a poem.
Hey, Nick, could you pay me back that 15 quid you owe me? Hang on.
"Do not trust this man.
" No.
Stop toying with your brother.
They won't always be here to protect you.
- Nick, dear, do you want some toast? - Hang on.
"Do not eat anything this woman cooks.
" No, thanks.
- I'd like some toast.
- And I'd like a poem.
So the boycott extends to breakfast? - What boycott? - (Both) Nothing.
I'm never going to ask you two anything ever again.
Sorry, dear.
Ben's a little tense and he's taking it out on everyone else.
- Me? For God's sake! - See? I'm not tense.
She's the one that's tense.
- Is that about that poem? - No, it's about my insane wife.
My poetry class is tonight.
Maybe you should come.
Poetry? I'm not that desperate, I can tell you.
Then could you stop feeling up the grapefruit? Love is a flower Springing from the ground - Ha! - Ben! You're embarrassing me.
Why? I didn't write the poem.
Reaching the sky in a climactic orgasm of colours If you can't say anything nice, don't count your chickens.
Such is the power of love And a flower OK.
Well done, Heather.
I enjoyed the metaphor of the lover as gardener.
With a pocketful of manure.
(Gasping laugh) Sorry, sorry.
The lithium just kicked in.
OK.
Who's next? How about Giles? My poem is called She.
Who is it that holds the stars in her eyes? She Who is it that stops the hands of time with her smile? She Who is it that warms my soul like a cup of camomile tea? She? He said feel free to express yourself.
Not during other people's poems, thank you.
Please continue, Giles.
- She - I was right! (Gasping laugh) Any other comments on Giles' poem? - Um - OK.
But this time, tell us what you liked about the poem.
Well, it wasn't as stupid as her poem.
- (Sobs) - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
For God's sake, I didn't want to ruin your romantic illusions of love but somebody has to.
Sunny skies and delicate flowers? They've got nothing to do with real love.
Huh! I mean, flowers don't take the covers from you at night, tell you how to drive or send you out for tampons at two in the morning.
Love isn't a flower.
It's a Venus flytrap.
Lures you in with promises of forbidden fruit then crushes you like an insect.
You have a rather nihilistic view of love.
That's because I'm married.
(Gasping laugh) Who is she? We call her the crazy lady at the back.
So, moving swiftly along.
Anyone else have a poem for tonight? Excellent.
My poem is entitled True Love.
(Screams) I like that one.
Come on, Michael.
Just a little further.
- I can't go on.
- Oh, butch up, Michael.
- Here? - Perfect.
- Oh, good.
- This is great.
I can just sit here and ride all day and all night.
Well, if I die, let it be on your head.
You won't die.
At best you'll get a hernia.
Gee, thanks.
Michael, I know I've been a little tense lately and maybe a bit short with you.
I'm sorry.
It's just, Mummy's going through a very stressful time right now.
At work.
Oh.
I thought it was because Mummy and Daddy weren't getting any.
Who is it that warms my soul like a cup of camomile tea? Sh Susan.
"Dearest Susan, "Please, please, please!" Mr Harper, there's someone here for a cleaning.
She doesn't have an appointment and she's weird.
I know you're a new girl, but whenever I'm reading, eating, or indeed breathing, I do not want to be disturbed.
- She's adamant she wants to see you.
- Talk to the hand.
Mr Harper's hand will see you now.
You probably don't remember me.
Oh.
Hello.
The screamer.
I hope you don't mind but I was in the area and I forgot to floss this morning so I thought, "Why not get my teeth cleaned?" OK.
Well, I'm sure I can fit you in.
I was just passing by.
It's a coincidence really.
It's not like I looked you up and waited outside for hours, watching your every move.
Because that would just be plain psychotic.
Well, let's have a look at you, shall we? I meant your teeth.
OK.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable in the chair.
Hm? I must say I never thought I'd find someone as dark and as desolate as I.
I wouldn't say I'm that desolate.
Please.
I know.
I've always been drawn to cynical pigs.
- I like poppies.
- No, don't spoil it.
You are a starless night sky, Ben Harper.
Yeah, you know, you're not the first person to have told me that.
I'll just get the equipment.
I'll be right back.
And I'll just get the, um number three scaler, I think.
Ben, I'm off to the China Palace.
Shall I get you some dumplings or maybe some sweet and sour naked lady? Hello.
Do you mind? I'm working.
The sooner I get started on her, the sooner I finish.
Is there some new procedure I don't know about? - Oh, my God! - They'll need sterilising.
Do you need any help? Didn't think so.
Bye! Roger! Now, where do you want me? On the floor or in the chair? Ooh! Look, crazy lady at the back - Vanessa! - Vanessa! Ha, ha! I'm very flattered.
I'm also very married.
And shortly I'll be very dead.
I know.
Won't we all? Isn't it exciting? Not the way Susan would do it, no.
You've got the wrong man, OK? I can't even keep one woman happy.
Oh, who's looking for happiness? - Hop on, grumpy.
- What? Put your clothes on, you lunatic! Do you really mean that, or are you saying it to turn me on? Look, I've got one rule.
Never sleep with crazy people outside of marriage.
OK? Here.
So you're playing hard to get.
- So I'll call you.
- No.
- Email you.
- No.
- Fax? - No.
I'm getting mixed signals.
- I'm that kind of guy.
- Fine.
- Vanessa, wait.
- Yes? Free toothbrush with every visit.
Gosh, that was some run.
How long did you say it had been since you last ran? Years.
What about you? - Oh, I run every morning.
- Some kickboxing would loosen you up.
Actually, I was hoping we could talk about that special person.
Fine.
Have you told her that you're interested? That's just it.
I've tried calling her, but when she answers, I can't seem to find the right words.
Have you tried hello? Oh, Abi.
Look who's here.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello! You won't believe this.
Some pervert keeps calling me and hanging up.
- Just do call-back.
- Brilliant! I'm gonna give that sicko a piece of my mind.
Well, must dash.
(Mobile phone) - Aren't you going to answer it? - No, no, no.
- It's a wrong number.
- How can you tell? By the ring tone.
Bye! (Phone) I'm not getting that.
It could be him.
Hello? Your husband is the sexiest man I've ever met.
I want him.
I think you must have the wrong number.
(Phone) Hello? Yes, this is Mr Harper.
I want to strip off all your clothes and ravage you until you're begging for mercy.
Sounds good.
Hang on.
I'll just write that on my foot.
Are you busy? That depends.
What do you want? I thought you might be interested to know that I've written a poem for you.
Thank God.
I mean Oh.
Really? I could always come back later.
- Get back here.
Close the door.
- Coming.
Sure.
So you'd like to hear the poem? Yes, I can't wait.
I mean, oh, yeah, whatever.
Why don't you read it in bed? Yeah, OK.
It's called Ode To My Lady.
Read fast.
- Ode To My Lady.
- Good.
Let's get on with it.
Susan, stop it! Please! I haven't started yet.
That's OK.
Just tell me how it ends.
I've put a lot of effort into this work.
The least you could do is listen.
Fine, fine, read your little poem.
- It's your poem.
I wrote it for you.
- I said, read it.
I wrote it for you.
Stanza one.
I know not what would have been Without the gentle touch of Wow! That was amazing! Ooh, yes, you're telling me.
What was? We just had sex.
Really? Cool.
I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed when Ben didn't turn up.
But when I saw those tattoos You must be such a tortured soul.
Yep.
Well, see you later.
But you only just got here! - Did I? - Yes! I thought we were going to have sex.
Wow.
Deja vu.
Stanza 34.
The earth moves, constantly spinning on its axis Day after day unnoticed until you realise the presence of love When it rains, you are my rainbow When it snows, you are my shovel Stanza 35.