Never Have I Ever (2020) s04e05 Episode Script

1
It had been a week
since Devi had broken up with Ethan,
and she couldn't believe
she'd almost let that gorgeous dimwit
screw up her future.
But now, she was finally headed
on Ms. Warner's New York trip
where she'd actually get a glimpse
of what that future might be.
You guys, I am so pumped.
I can't believe
we're about to see our dream schools.
Me at Princeton, El at Juilliard, Fab at
Fab, you said your mom made you apply
to an Ivy, but you never said which one.
If Fabiola looks like
she's about to shit a brick,
it's 'cause you may remember
she applied
to a certain friend's dream college
behind a certain friend's back.
Fab, are your compression socks
too compressed?
Nope. Uh, it's just that
I did apply somewhere.
I just don't think
that you would be too happy about it.
Me? Fab, are you crazy?
I'd be happy for you
wherever you decide to apply.
Unless you steal my spot at Princeton.
Never. No, I I applied to Yale.
That's amazing. Why wouldn't I like that?
Uh, because of how Connecticut is spelled.
You're right.
What is up with that silent "C?"
Ooh, you should try to abscond
up to New Haven during our trip to see it.
Yep, that would be very helpful for me.
Wow, you guys,
I can't believe we're basically gonna see
exactly how our lives are gonna be
next year.
- Hah. Hmm.
- Oh. Um
Devi, would you mind not reclining?
I'm about to start some chair yoga.
Okay. Okay.
To quote our greatest
American songwriter, Taylor Swift,
"Welcome to New York."
More specifically,
just west of Hell's Kitchen,
also known as "Hell's Toilet."
So welcome to that.
During this trip,
we will be taking tours as big groups,
but, uh, today, we have a few exceptions.
Mr. Shapiro?
First off, our very own Eleanor Wong
has her audition at Juilliard.
Happy to respect your process.
Also, uh, Ben Gross,
your father has organized
a private tour of Columbia.
Oh, it's his client, Jerry Seinfeld,
has a nephew who goes there.
You know, we are taking the entire group
to Columbia later this week.
No, thanks.
Okay. And, uh, Devi,
you also have a special trip planned
To Princeton, sweeties.
Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me.
- That's not why everyone hates you.
- Okay. Hush.
You're just jealous that you're
hanging out with some nepotism nerd
while I'm spending the night
with Sherman Oaks icon, Blair Quan.
When Devi was a freshman,
Blair Quan was the top senior student
at Sherman Oaks High.
Not only was she valedictorian,
but she had been an extracurricular beast
who had gotten into Princeton early.
All right, people, there better not be
any typos in this week's issue.
I do not accept
anything less than perfection.
If you can't handle the pressure,
then go back to yearbook.
Devi was determined to follow
in her smart-as-hell footsteps.
Well, later, losers. I have a date
with destiny in the Garden State.
Oh, that reminds me.
Fabiola, shouldn't you accompany Devi
to Princeton since
She needs protection on the train?
I'm actually not very strong.
People confuse my tallness for muscle,
but my bones are basically just crackers.
Are we done? I know some people are
itching to see what a suburb looks like,
but I have to take the number 1 train
uptown to 116th Street
- It's very complicated.
- Okay, Google Maps, no one gives a shit.
Can it, you two.
All right, let's all head out.
All right, everyone, NYU, this way.
Yeah, so as you can see,
despite Devi having saved his ass
at the college fair,
these two had definitely not made up.
Oh great, I caught you. I was hoping
to talk to you about something.
Oh. Of course. What is it?
So you know how Pati abandoned me
after my eye surgery
and went to the grocery store
And she got on the 210 going
the wrong way, ended up in Joshua Tree.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Well I'm pretty sure Len brought a woman
into the house while I was napping.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I could've sworn I heard a voice.
- What did she sound like?
I wanna say Kylie Minogue.
Mmm.
Kamala, you had a lot of Valium that day.
You think you might be mistaken?
I guess so.
I did also think that I saw a penguin
sitting next to me at one point.
Yep, it was probably the narcotics.
Correct.
Okay, now I need to head to work
so I can get home right away.
This weekend, I have the house to myself
for the first time in 17 years,
and it is going to be amazing.
Is something funny?
Uh No, just good luck with that.
It's hard to be alone
when you're not used to it.
Doesn't sound hard to me.
I once lost my hearing
in a SoulCycle class,
best Saturday of my entire life.
Okay. Bye-bye, everyone.
Holy shit, Princeton is so beautiful.
It's basically a bunch of Downton Abbeys
sitting next to one another.
- So what you guys up to?
- Oh, we're at Juilliard.
I'm giving El space so she can prepare.
She's about
Brown cow.
halfway through her vocal exercises.
Sure, sure, fair enough.
Devi?
There she was,
the myth, the legend, Blair Quan.
Blair, hi. Fab, I gotta go.
Hi! Oh, I'm so excited to see my mini-me.
Whoa, Devi,
she just said you guys were alike.
So, um, I already checked into admissions.
Said "what up" to Akshara.
So what should we do next?
Maybe we could do a tour,
or we could go to one of your classes?
Why don't we get
to that boring stuff later
and start with something fun first?
Welcome to the Armstrong Inn.
It's the eating club I belong to.
Why don't we go put your stuff down,
and I'll show you around?
And then we can hit up a class after.
Holy shit, Devi.
A members-only club
in a historic-ass mansion.
Who are you? The horse-loving daughter
of a tech billionaire?
- she wakes.
- Great job.
Nicely done, young man.
Thank you, again.
Eleanor Wong.
Hi, yes, that's me.
So, Fabiola, you wanna tell me
why you were so weird
about visiting Princeton with Devi?
Was I weird?
I distinctly remember being very chill.
Have you not told Devi
that you've applied?
You know you have to, right?
I thought I'd just wait until she gets in,
and then it would be like, "Surprise!"
You are physically
on the East Coast right now.
You need to go to that school.
But I'm not even sure
I should have applied there.
And have you seen Devi
when she gets upset?
She makes the Hulk look like Kermit.
Oh, I'm aware of your friend's temper.
That's why I have a helmet in my office.
But you need to prioritize yourself
and go see if that school
is right for you.
You have never known what happiness was.
But wait, Uncle Vanya,
please wait.
We shall rest.
We shall rest. We shall rest.
And, scene.
Well, thank you, Miss Wong.
We appreciate you coming in today.
Oh.
Of course.
Um, so you guys didn't clap.
Excuse me?
I I heard you clap
for the other guy before.
The kid who did Othello.
Oh, well, every performance is different.
I don't have a chance, do I?
Miss Wong, I assure you,
we have not made any decisions yet.
But you have though, right?
You can give it to me straight.
I can take it.
If I'm being honest,
I'm not sure Juilliard
is the right place for you.
But there are so many ways to be an actor.
Look at Flo from Progressive.
I bet she's got a second home.
Oh.
I promise, you will find your path.
Thank you.
Hey, everyone. This is Ben.
He's applying early
and wants to see what life is like here,
so don't embarrass me.
Can't make any promises.
Oh, hey, we were talking about
that article in The Atlantic
on, uh, dark money lobby regulations.
You guys wanna sit?
In high school,
Ben's social circle
had included zero friends and one nemesis.
He was hoping college would change that.
Yeah, I mean, it's a complete farce.
Basically, Big Oil's writing
all of our laws at this point.
Totally. It does seem like a lot of
automakers are turning to electric though,
so that's good.
Well, Ben, you know electric cars
are just as bad, right?
I mean, heavy-metal mining
is a serious human rights issue.
Without a clean grid,
what's even the point?
Right, right, yeah.
I I just mean hopefully one day,
we can just, like,
run cars on corn.
Yeah, come on, Ben.
We certainly don't wanna incentivize
monoculture farming
any more than we already do.
No. No
Of course not.
Do you guys wanna order some food?
Ben, you're our guest.
What are you in the mood for?
Food?
Uh, I just want something that's
sustainably sourced, carbon-neutral,
and preferably delivered
by someone who's paid a living wage.
Dude, relax.
Uh, are we feeling pizza?
- Yeah.
- Pizza's good.
Oh my God, Devi,
you are gonna love college.
Back home, my mom
was always on my ass to study,
and she never let me talk to boys.
But here, believe me, a girl's doing more
than just talking to boys.
Whoa. That's the coolest freaking thing
I've ever heard.
Yeah, it's awesome.
No strict moms cramping your style,
throwing away any thongs
she finds in the laundry.
My mom did that too.
I lied to her and told her
it was one of my headbands,
and she made me wear one to Olive Garden.
Oh.
My dining club's party is starting.
What do you say, shall we?
Hell yeah.
Devi was in awe.
The Blair she knew in high school
had skipped prom to practice
extra declensions for AP Latin.
Hey, guys. How are we doing?
How's everything going over here?
Oh my God
Now look at her.
She was mixing and mingling
even more than "Jingle Bell Rock."
- Y'all look good. Let's party.
- Okay.
All right, who wants shots?
I freaking love my future life.
Hello, I'm ho
Sweet silence.
Ben?
Thought you'd still be up at Columbia
hanging out with your fancy new friends.
Yeah, no.
It was super fun, and I totally fit in,
but, uh, I just came back to recharge,
especially after so much
intellectually stimulating conversation.
Okay, kids, here's the thing.
We were unable to get all of you tickets
to a Broadway show.
However, we did get ourselves
two tickets to Moulin Rouge!
But for you guys, we have pre-ordered
- the film version
- Film version.
- to this room.
- This room.
So you can follow along with us.
It's gonna be fun.
Watch it.
- Hmm. We should go
- Okay, bye. Yeah
- Because, yeah, we gotta
- Ugh!
El, are you okay? You haven't said a word
since your audition.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Okay.
Maybe I'll see what Devi's doing.
How was your class visit?
Did the student-teacher ratio seem cool?
Yes!
Oh, hit it. Yes, girl.
Whoo!
Didn't go to class,
but am getting "schooled"
on how to party by Blair
at her ritzy AF Armstrong Inn.
You would love it here.
But would she love it there?
She only applied to please her mom
and maybe see a BB-8 droid.
She knew she needed to visit.
Why don't we meet up with Devi?
She's at a fun party,
and that could cheer you up.
Who knows? Maybe we'll learn
some factoids about Princeton
that could be useful for someone.
What about the chaperones?
Those autograph hounds
will be waiting outside the stage door
for hours after curtain call. We got time.
Well honestly,
I could probably use a stiff drink
since this trip has shattered
my entire sense of self.
Yeah, I could use a drink too.
But mine is to celebrate
because today went really well for me.
Can I come?
Yes. Come on. Let's go. Come on.
Hey. I'm Seth. What's your name?
- It's Devi.
- Back off, Seth, she's in high school.
- Throwing it in reverse.
- Whoo!
Blair, this is so friggin' fun.
Your life is so dope.
I wanna be exactly like you.
Quan, what the hell are you doing?
You're supposed to stay behind the bar.
You're not even wearing your uniform.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Martel.
I just thought I'd be creative
to take the drinks
to the guests on the dance floor.
Listen, you're fired. Let's go.
No, please. I really need this job.
W-W-Wait, you work here?
Do all of the students in this club
have to do a shift? Like a co-op?
Yeah, so, um, the thing is,
I'm actually not a student anymore.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Oh, hello.
I'm so sorry to interrupt
your special night of alone time,
but I think I left my phone
in your kitchen.
Oh my goodness.
Yes, come on in. Of course.
- Yes, no, no, come in, come in.
- All right, let's see. Um
- Ah! Found it.
- Oh, that was very fast.
I was really worried I sealed it up
in one of your walls.
I'll let you get back to your you time.
Oh! Wait, wait,
no need to jet out of here.
Just tell me about your day
or any other day for that matter.
Just talk, whatever you want.
You can just talk.
- Quiet's getting to ya, huh?
- It's deafening.
Did you know your bath
only stays warm for, like, five minutes,
and then you're just sitting
in your own personal pond?
Do you have anywhere else to be,
or can you?
Well, actually,
Margot is at a friend's house.
You can stay?
Oh my God, thank God.
Okay, uh, well, what should we do?
Uh, did you wanna play,
uh, like, a board game or
Have you had dinner?
Does eating a sleeve of saltines
while solving
a thousand-piece puzzle count?
I'm so sorry, Devi.
I didn't wanna lie to you.
This is just obviously
kind of humiliating for me.
So, what happened?
Well, it turns out if you party nonstop
and fail all your classes,
they will not let you stay.
But you were
the most focused person I knew.
How do you go to college
and then just decide to stop trying?
I don't know, Devi.
I was so burnt out after high school.
I mean, you know what it's like.
You do a million extracurriculars,
and you take all the hardest classes
just to get into a school like this.
Then once you're in, what's the goal?
You're certainly not gonna be
the top anymore,
and you don't have your mom here
to badger you.
- It's easy to get lost.
- Damn.
The hardest part about college
isn't the schoolwork.
It's being on your own
and not knowing who the hell you are.
So how are you doing now?
I'm okay.
I'm just trying to figure myself out
before I decide what to do next.
Wait, hang on a sec.
Where was I gonna sleep tonight?
I redecorated my apartment
to look like a dorm room,
and paid my 50-year-old neighbor
to wear a backwards hat
and ride a skateboard.
Nice.
Uh, do you mind waiting here for a second?
I really need to beg for my job back.
Yeah, for sure. Go get 'em, tiger.
Or, uh, former Tiger.
Devi was shaken
by this revelation from her idol.
If perfect Blair
couldn't hack it at college,
then what chance did she have?
It also reminded her
that maybe she'd underestimated
how hard the transition
to college might be.
Devi, is this a butt dial?
No, I'm looking straight at you.
But aren't you on a trip?
Okay, stop asking questions.
Sorry. Go on.
I just wanted to say I'm really sorry
about giving you a hard time about ASU.
Oh. Uh
It's all right.
No, no, I was being a judgy brat,
and I didn't know
what the hell I was talking about.
Well, thanks, Devi. I appreciate that.
Also, it's pretty nice to get to see
your face around school again.
It's nice seeing you too.
Is everything all right out there?
Yeah, totally.
It's just things are a little different
than what I thought they'd be here.
Yeah
That's, um, kind of how I felt
about college too.
Bro, what did I say about having
your phone out at best bro's dinner?
Every Saturday and Sunday, you're mine.
Coming.
So I guess you gotta go?
Yeah, I'm in trouble.
But, um, thank you for the call.
Um, let's chill when you get back.
Yeah. Bye, Paxton.
Oh my God, guys, look, there's Devi!
See, we're at the right spot!
- What are you doing here?
- We're here to see you.
Aw. That's really nice.
Can you take us to some alcohol, please?
Uh Well, I could, but, um
Wait. How come you're sitting
outside the party with your suitcase?
- You get kicked out for being a loser?
- Okay, Ben
Devi, I'm back. Come on in.
Great. Uh, could I bring some friends?
Oh, hey, guys. Come. Yeah.
So, what were you gonna do
if I hadn't shown up?
Oh, I was dangerously close
to disassembling the dishwasher
so I could deep clean it.
That's dark.
I guess you were right.
Being home alone is harder than I thought.
Oh my goodness,
when Devi goes to college next year,
what am I gonna do with myself?
I get it.
Margot went to art camp one summer,
and I was so desperate to fill the time,
I built a pool house.
- We don't have a pool.
- That's a good one.
I always imagined
I would spend this time with Mohan.
I I thought we would take on
some empty-nester hobbies, you know?
Like building a birdhouse.
- Sure.
- Although Mohan hated crafts, so not that.
How can anybody hate crafts?
He used to say it was a poor substitute
for a personality.
That is a very harsh indictment
of the crafting world.
I thought so.
Listen, I I know you didn't plan
to do this on your own.
I certainly didn't either,
but, uh, we're gonna get through this.
And if you're at all interested
in buying a recumbent bike
I kinda feel like that's where I'm headed.
- No.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, Andres, absolutely not.
That is way too sad dad.
I'm actually gonna make a pot of tea.
And when I come back,
we are going to think about
more dignified hobbies for your old age.
What brings you to the boring-ass burbs?
- Just morbid curiosity.
- Real cool, bro.
All right, I'm gonna do a lap.
All right, El, here's your Sazerac.
Tell us what happened today.
Did something happen today?
The Juilliard people
said I was bad at acting.
They said I sucked.
What? How dare they?
You're an amazing actor.
You have to say that
'cause you're my friends.
No, we would never lie to you.
Right, we don't lie to each other.
Unless it's, you know, like an emergency.
I just don't know
what I'm supposed to do if I can't act.
Maybe puppeteer?
El, you can't let some snooty douches
take away the thing that you love.
Yeah. You have to be an actor.
Thanks, guys.
You and this absinthe-based drink
are raising my spirits.
Now, can we just dance?
- Yeah.
- Yeah! Whoo!
Na, na, na, na, na ♪
Na, na, na, na, na ♪
I want you around ♪
Na, na, na, na, na ♪
Na, na, na, na, na ♪
Na, na, na, na, na
I just want ♪
Hey, High School, come dance with me.
No, thanks.
I'm just trying to hang out with my girls.
- Come on, dance with me.
- Dude, come on. Just let me go.
- Stop.
- Hey, asshole. Get off of her.
Na, na, na, na, na ♪
You okay?
I just want you
I just want your love ♪
Hey.
How's your face?
It's okay.
Does it look kind of cool?
Yeah.
Maybe just keep the ice pack on it though.
Wow. This might make me
sound like a baby, but
college is way scarier
than I thought it would be.
Because of that dickhead?
Just keep some pepper spray handy
when you get here.
Okay, yeah, partially because of him.
But also,
did you know that Blair failed out?
Really? That sucks.
Are you close enough to her
to be this sad about it?
Ben, Blair and I are basically
the same person. If she imploded
You think you will too? Nah, you won't.
How do you know that? I'm not known
for being the most stable person around.
Look, Devi, I know that you idolize Blair
and you think you're so similar,
but you're literally nothing alike.
I mean, she was much more perfect than you
in high school.
- How dare you?
- That was her problem.
She made zero mistakes and had no fun.
She was a total powder keg.
You have made many mistakes,
and you go to parties,
and you've had boyfriends
You know, some are better than others.
Devi, you know who you are.
You really think so?
Yeah, I do.
It's just for as long as I can remember,
my main goal has been to go to Princeton.
Like, that's it.
But I never thought about
what life would be like after I got in.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
You know how I was all excited
to go to Columbia and be with my people?
Mmm.
Well, turns out
I'm too stupid to go there.
What are you saying? That's not true.
Yeah, these kids knew so much
about the world,
and they read articles from magazines
that I'd never even heard of.
A couple of times, I even had to look up
some big words on my phone.
Okay, so what?
You can read an article too.
They're probably just regurgitating words
that they read before
because they're insecure too.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, definitely.
Ben, this is a game you can win.
You're the biggest bullshitter
I've ever met.
Thank you, David. I feel oddly inspired.
Hey. Um
I really hated it
when you weren't talking to me.
Yeah, I'm I'm so sorry about that.
- I was just
- You don't have to explain. I get it.
I just
wanna be friends.
Yeah. I can be your friend.
Got your bag, Devi.
Yeah, sorry we took forever.
Fab got into a conversation
with some students
about how many Nobel Prize winners
are on faculty.
Well, the good news is
Seth was asked to leave.
But the bad news is,
he told everyone you're underage,
so you're not allowed back in.
That's okay.
I mean, we should head back anyway.
I'm sorry this trip
wasn't what you were hoping for.
Actually, it's exactly what I needed.
See you later, mini-me.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
Okay, should we head to the train?
Don't bother. We have rented a van.
So at intermission, when I went to get
this beautiful shirt and matching briefs,
I took out my Android
to pay with WindowsBucks,
and I noticed an alarming number
of text messages from your classmates.
And now I have to hang
an unsigned poster in my office
and never get a chance
to touch Aaron Tveit's bare hand.
- We can explain.
- Tut-tut-tut! The trip is canceled.
We all fly home tomorrow morning.
And don't even think
about asking to pull over for bagels
on the way to the airport.
"So your nest doesn't feel
quite as empty."
Don't blame me for cutting the trip short.
You can spend the six-hour plane ride
thanking the Boxcar Children
who stole away to New Jersey.
I really wanted
to visit Parsons.
My passion is graphic design.
Hey! Don't throw those nuts at me.
I could have an allergy.
Even though a dozen students
on this plane
were cursing Devi
and her friends right now,
she was feeling good.
She had fixed her relationship with Ben,
and was hopeful again
about her future at Princeton.
Well
Hey, Fab, I'm really sorry
you didn't get to see Yale.
Oh, right.
It's okay.
I could just take a virtual tour.
Yeah, definitely nothing weird
bound to happen here.
- Do me a favor ♪
- Do, do, do, do me a ♪
So do me a favor, don't call me back ♪
Need a helpline ♪
Specifically for your mother ♪
Explaining why you wind me up ♪
Why you wind me up ♪
Wondering why I haven't recovered ♪
- Don't matter ♪
- Do, do, do, do me a ♪
Got that pretty smile I miss ♪
Used to boost my ego, my own ladder ♪
Do, do, do, do me a ♪
So do me a favor, don't call me back ♪
Do, do, do, do me a ♪
Do, do, do, do me a ♪
- Do me a favor ♪
- Do, do, do, do me a ♪
So do me a favor, don't call me back ♪
- Do, do ♪
- Do, do, do, do me a ♪
- Do, do ♪
- Do, do, do, do me a ♪
Do me a favor, don't call me back ♪