NewsRadio (1995) s04e05 Episode Script

Why are you telling everybody that I dumped you? I didn't tell everybody.
Am I interrupting something? Dave dumped me.
There.
That's everybody.
I did not dump Lisa.
Excuse me.
I think I know what "Maybe it's time to take a break" means.
That's what you said? Yes.
God, if anybody else hears that you said that, there's gonna be trouble.
- Beth, all I was trying to do-- - I'm just kidding.
Nobody cares.
Got ya! Look, my point was just that seeing as your buddy, the efficiency expert-- She's not my buddy.
Seeing she has fired six people already, that it might be wise for you and I to focus our energies on work for the next few weeks.
Okay.
Maybe you could explain to me how I should funnel the energy I used to waste having sex with you into proofreading A.
P.
stories.
Look, she has fired six people, including Matthew.
Matthew couldn't go to the bathroom by himself.
Yes, he could.
No, he couldn't.
He couldn't? No.
Still, you know, this idea is not wholly without merit.
You know, I could see being dumped for another woman, I could see being dumped for some noble or patriotic reason during a time of war or civil unrest, but to be dumped for some vague notion about how love affects job performance-- Hi.
[ Chuckles .]
Did I hear that right? You two are a couple? Um, well, yes, we were a couple.
Yes.
Hmm.
Is that so hard to believe? Uh, no.
Well, not the part about Lisa having a boyfriend, but-- [ Andrea .]
How come you didn't tell me about this? I thought we were friends.
This is something I think I would really rather work out with Dave privately.
Oh.
Okay.
[ Chuckling .]
Well, then I'll just work out the professional ramifications of it, okay? The what? Dave, you realize I have to follow the procedure for office romance, which includes a full investigation followed by a report.
Well, that hardly seems necessary, especially considering the fact that, you know, we've broken up.
Irregardless.
If you have any other secrets you've been keeping from me-- We weren't trying to exclude you from anything.
No.
Nobody knows about me and Dave.
Oh, good, you two are dressed.
Mind if I grab a soda? No comment from Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan.
WNYX news time, 10:42.
Coming up in two minutes-- [ Chorus .]
"The Real Deal With Bill McNeal" - Bill, you've been dumped before, right? - No.
Come on.
Of course you have.
Everybody's been dumped.
Let's see.
Dumpity, dumpity, dumpity-- Nope.
Okay, fine.
Wait a minute.
I was dumped once a long time ago.
Very painful.
- See, isn't it? - No, wait a minute.
That was just a movie I saw.
Hi, Bill, Lisa.
[ Clears Throat .]
Lisa, since you weren't forthcoming with me before, back when we were friends, I need to ask you a couple questions about your relationship with Dave.
- Me too.
- Okay.
How long have you two been seeing each other before-- More importantly, does Dave yell out anything peculiar during the highest moment of pleasure? I'm talking, of course, about the moment when he beats you at Scrabble.
You know what? I'm really sorry.
With all due respect, I just don't see what this has to do with my job.
Obviously it pertains to what kind of example you're setting for your coworkers.
Lisa sets a fine example.
Thank you.
Just because we don't all follow her example and sleep with Dave-- - I'm just horsing around.
- Maybe you could limit your horsing around to your news broadcast.
Whoa.
Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra? I heard that, and that is going in my report.
- Mine too.
- [ Door Slams .]
Here's today's "Real Deal" for your approval.
- Don't burn your fingers.
She's a hot one.
- What's the topic? Foreign diplomats who get away without paying their parking tickets.
Bill, this topic wasn't even hot when it was hot.
Oh, that's just an outline.
You want me to figure out a way to throw a few more peppers into the gumbo? You know, at some point, somebody must have dumped you before you had a chance to dump them.
Nope.
[ Bill On Radio .]
I get a ticket, I pay it.
You get a ticket, you pay it.
They get a ticket, they don't pay no ticket.
That's why these freeloading foreign diplomats should be dragged from their cars and beaten like the renegade outlaws they are.
[ Clicks Off .]
Hi, Dave.
Just the man I wanted to see.
Oh, great, but I have to take care of something right now.
Your relationship with Lisa is really troubling me.
It's troubling me too, but right now, I'm more concerned by the fact that Bill has called for foreign diplomats to be dragged from their cars and beaten.
Isn't that something that should've been caught before it got on the air? - Yes.
Lisa usually does that, but-- - So it's Lisa's fault-- No, I didn't say that at all.
No need to apologize.
It's the response one would expect from a man who just got dumped, so-- - I didn't get dumped.
- So you dumped her.
So you dumped her, and now you're questioning her job performance.
I get it.
Can we talk about this later? [ Bill .]
Wake up, Manhattan.
Wake up, Brooklyn.
Wake up, the other three boroughs.
These people with names you need a calculator to pronounce have got their hands in your pockets, and I say it's time we cut them off at the wrist.
And now, if you please, these messages.
[ Equipment Clicking .]
Bill, come here.
I wanted to ask you a couple questions about Dave and Lisa.
No, no, no, no, no.
Are you okay? We're being watched.
By who? Just act natural.
I am acting natural.
Well, if that's the best you can do, fine.
Did you ever find that Dave and Lisa's relationship adversely affected your work? No.
Don't talk facing the window.
They might be lip-readers.
-Who might be lip-readers? -No, no, don't say it like that! Say it like this: "Who might be lip-readers? Who might be lip-readers?" Good.
Now go and warn the others.
Hey, Beth, is your computer-- Don't speak, Joe.
We're being watched.
I know.
You know? Absolutely.
We're just like rats in a Habitrail to them.
-We are? -We are part of an experiment so enormously complex, our puny brains can't even begin to comprehend it.
I'm not talking about aliens, Joe.
You mean people are watching us? [ Clicks Tongue .]
You're paranoid.
There's a weirdo across the street watching us with binoculars.
How do you know there's a weirdo across the street watching us with binoculars? I know because I caught him in the act when I was watching the people across the street with my binoculars.
Let me see.
What's with the paper cups? Camouflage.
Straight across, then up about two floors.
Do you see him? No, but who is the hot chick with the see-through shirt waterin' the plants? A figment of your imagination.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
[ Quietly .]
There's someone.
I told you someone was watching us.
You weren't kiddin'.
What are we gonna do? I don't know.
I'm gonna have to put on my thinking cap for this one.
We're both gonna have to put on our thinking caps.
Sorry, I only built one.
Bill, I understand you're trying to be provocative, but that doesn't give you license to be flagrantly irresponsible.
- Don't yell at me through Bill.
- I wasn't yelling at you through Bill.
- Yes, he was, wasn't he? - Felt like it.
Be quiet.
You're doing it again.
- You be quiet too.
- See how much more effective it is when you cut out the middleman? The issue at hand is that Bill, in his editorial, advocated pulling foreign diplomats from their cars and beating them.
You said that? Yes, he did.
You're the one who told me to throw a few more peppers into the gumbo.
- You did? - What gumbo? What-- But-- [ Woman .]
Subsequently, the French ambassador was taken to NYU Medical Center where he is in stable condition.
No word yet as to the identity of the person who pulled him from his car and savagely beat him.
WNYX will keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Well, at least we know someone's listening to the show, huh? Mr.
James-- No.
Enough, enough.
It's just so damn unprofessional.
Who the hell's in charge here? When it comes to "The Real Deal," I am, of course.
That's right.
But I would like to say I accept full responsibility for what happened here today.
That's very noble of you, Lisa, but this isn't the Bay of Pigs.
And Bill certainly isn't President Kennedy.
I'll take that as a compliment, because if I was him, I'd be dead right now.
All right, fair enough.
Folks, we're in a crisis situation here.
Let's go ahead and break it down to its primary components, see what kind of breed of cat we're dealing with here.
Good idea, Jim.
As far as I can tell, some nut job got on the radio, told a million people to drag foreign diplomats out of their cars and beat them! Let's call that component "A.
" Right here.
Okay.
And here's the best part.
Some other nut job decided to take him up on it.
Let's call that component "B.
" All right.
That gives us components "A" through "B.
" - Right.
- Which means-- I have no idea.
I think our best defense is to claim the two incidents are unrelated.
Lisa's right.
French people get beaten up all the time.
Again, I would like to say I accept full responsibility-- - Nobody cares.
- Dave's right.
Nothing we can say or do will bring that Frenchman back.
- He's not dead, Bill.
- We have to beat everyone to the punch, so to speak, and issue an on-air apology.
To hell with that.
I think we should just die with our boots on.
- Sir, what are you talking about? - Uh, nothing.
I just wanted you guys to notice my new boots.
Well-- Okay.
So let's write up a brief apology, and we'll air it right after the next break.
Lisa, let's not forget how "The Real Deal" works.
I write, you produce.
Right.
So why don't I write up a brief apology, and you'll do it after the next break? And who has veto power again? You do, Bill.
Andrea, just the person I wanted to see.
Yes, Bill.
Who has veto power on the segment known as "The Real Deal With Bill McNeal"? You do.
I just said that.
[ Stammering .]
Andrea? - You do, Bill.
- See? And who is whose boss? [ Stammering .]
You-- Yes-- - Andrea? - Technically, he is your boss.
- The prosecution rests.
- Gee, Lisa, back when we were friends, I would've tried to help you out a little bit there.
But now I guess I just don't know where we stand.
[ Sobs .]
Excuse me.
Bingo.
Matthew? Freak! Matthew! Hey, guys, what up? [ Chuckling .]
Matthew, we know you were spying on us.
How? How'd you figure it out? Because I saw you through my binoculars.
Oh, I thought those were paper cups.
Guys, I'm sorry.
I miss you so much.
And if I can't be with you in person, you know, I can at least-- You know what? You've gotta stop doing this to yourself.
I know.
You've gotta pick yourself up and move on.
You've gotta find a new job.
You've gotta find some new friends.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh.
Suddenly you're not my friends? No, of course we're still your friends.
[ Sighs .]
Joe? Of course we're still your friends.
I didn't quite catch all that.
Don't push it, dude.
We're always gonna be your friends, but you've gotta stop stalking us from strange places.
I mean, what is this place anyway? It's a dentist's office.
Dude, if you want, I can take you down to unemployment.
A buddy of mine died in '87.
You could use his I.
D.
, and you can get two checks.
That's so sweet, Joe, but I got a new job.
- I already have a new job.
- They're ready for you now.
Okay, open wide, please.
Well, look at that.
Somebody's been flossing like a good little girl there.
Can you get Mrs.
Barnes's X-rays for me, pronto? Yes, Doctor.
Thank you.
No, no.
They're just-- Don't do that.
They're just, uh, regular leather.
You don't say.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Lisa.
Why is Andrea interrogating everyone about you and Dave? Well, sir, that is because Andrea is basically crazy.
That's not a very nice thing to say about your best friend.
She's not my best friend.
She thinks she's my best friend, which is what makes her crazy.
That's all right.
Most of my best friends are crazy too.
Good afternoon.
I'm Bill McNeal with-- [ Chorus .]
"The Real Deal" apology Earlier today, I took the position that people should pay their parking tickets no matter who they are.
And because I facetiously mentioned that those who didn't should be punished, some nut went out and decided to take matters into his own hands.
Let me now emphatically state that what this man did was wrong, and that foreign diplomats should not, I repeat, not be dragged from their cars and beaten.
If anyone should be dragged from his car and beaten, it's a certain ugly element of our society who goes by the name of Joe Vigilante.
Once again, I'd like to say-- Sorry I mean, I graduated from dental school, and I opened my own practice back in '92.
We're gonna need to do a transosseous implant on number three.
And I suppose that things couldn't have been better.
Or so it seemed.
Open big.
Turn to me.
Good.
I mean, my parents were ecstatic.
They were, like-- I was just-- I was miserable.
Can you check the X-rays for caries on distal number seven? Yes.
In a nutshell, dentistry is my skill, but A.
M.
radio-- A.
M.
radio-- that's my-- my passion.
How was I supposed to know there's an actual person out there named Joe Vigilante? Yeah.
I mean, that is so weird.
That is so weird.
I knew a guy-- I knew a guy named Joe Pants once.
I mean, what-- what a guy.
What a-- What a character.
[ Chuckles .]
The guy always wore pants.
How is Mr.
Vigilante doing anyway? He's in stable condition at Queens General.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Bill, you are going to read what I have just written, verbatim, after the next break.
-What's it say? -"Recently, some violent acts "have occurred in our city, and there's speculation "that they were incited by something I said.
"If there's even a molecule of truth to that, I apologize.
"However, there's a bigger issue at stake, one of personal responsibility.
"Maybe it's time we all sat down and instead of listening to our radio, listened to our heart.
" I don't know.
Shouldn't we just let sleeping dogs lie? Oh, no way.
I got so many lawyers standing in line to see me now, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants.
[ Andrea .]
Lisa? Yes.
I'm wondering if you saw the charts I was workin' on this morning.
- I seem to have misplaced them.
- No, I haven't seen them.
Look, I just want you to know that I'm still really upset about-- Who am I kidding? I cannot stay mad at you.
You can't? No.
I mean, you got dumped today by Dave.
That must just make you feel worthless and humiliated.
Actually, no.
Say no more.
If there was ever a day where you needed the help of a good friend, it's today.
I'm not asking for any help, really.
That's okay.
You don't have to ask.
That's how friendship works.
See, I thought you'd have soft, pink gingiva, and you sure do.
[ Mumbles .]
Thank you.
[ Humming .]
How is it at the old salt mine? Okay.
[ Unintelligible Dialogue .]
Open big.
[ Unintelligible Dialogue Continues .]
I hear that.
I hear that.
Well, you don't have to say that.
Can you understand one word that I am saying to you? No.
Then why do you keep asking me questions? Because I am bored out of my brain.
All I can think of is-- is radio, radio, radio! Now open big! [ Bill On Radio .]
Don't listen to your radio, listen to your heart.
I'm Bill McNeal saying-- [ Chorus .]
Sorry Again.
Uh, did you hear it? Uh, yes, I did.
And? I thought it was good.
I think you should both be very proud.
Thank you.
Just goes to show what I can do when I focus.
- I-I'd like to apologize.
- You would? Yes, I would.
Uh-- I think a lot of the things I said this morning just, uh-- I guess they didn't come out right.
I'm actually not very proud of my behavior today either.
It's completely understandable.
Okay.
So why don't we just forget the whole conversation ever took place and we can just wipe this day right off the records? I don't think we should do that.
Well, no, neither do I.
- No, Lisa-- - You know what your problem is, Dave? Well, no.
You are like one of those diseased fish at the pet store that has to be kept in its own little separate tank all by itself.
The only problem is, you're still with the other fish.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
You lost me.
No, I'm sorry.
You lost me.
This just in-- A 29-year-old mental patient at County General committed suicide this afternoon by cutting out his own heart and placing it to his ear.
The suicide note stated that a voice had told him to, quote, "Stop listening to his radio and start listening to his heart.
" Psychiatrists at the hospital say the man had a long history of-- More after this.
[ No Audible Dialogue .]
I told you to leave well enough alone, but no! You had to play the big shot! And now a perfectly happy, healthy young man with a bright future is dead! Bill, the guy was obviously crippled by mental illness! You're obviously crippled by mental illness! Dave, we really need to talk about Lisa.
[ Bill Shouting, Indistinct .]
Do we really have to do that right now? I'm kind of Lisa'd out for one day.
I just think that her talents could be put to better use elsewhere.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't under-- She's just having a bad day.
She's having a really bad day.
Right.
I just see that she cannot handle Bill.
No one can handle Bill.
I'm the only one that comes close, and I don't know what the hell to do with him half the time.
I mean, it's not a fair way to judge her.
She's sort of a big-picture person, you know? She's very analytical, very intelligent.
Yeah, that's been my assessment from the start.
Oh, well, then you're not thinking about firing her.
No.
I think we should give her your job.
Huh? [ Knocking .]
Who is it? Dave.
Just a second.
- Come in, Dave.
- Hello.
- What can I do for you today? - Nothing.
I came to get the rest of my stuff, and you left your copy of The Art of War in your desk.
Oh, thanks.
And you left a picture of your mother in the drawer.
Ah, keep it.
Dave, I know we've had our disagreements in the past, but let's forget all that.
I'm gonna be the best boss you ever had.
Bill, this is only temporary.
Sure it is, Dave.
Sure it is.
[ Laughing .]