Offspring (2010) s04e05 Episode Script

There is a very real possibility that we are evolving into a power couple.
I think it suits us.
I'm the freak, Martin.
I love you, ferociously, but I just don't know how to have a relationship with you.
I'm sorry.
Oi, careful.
If you still worked here, I'd have to get HR onto you for that.
Stand by.
I heard there's an opening.
I thought I might throw my hat in.
I'm Jimmy Proudman.
I'm here to interview for the position.
I'm not giving you this job.
Eloise and Patrick went out for a drink and she sent him a text message.
It said, "You are extraordinary.
" You worried she's got the lady boner for Patrick? Oh, Kim! What?! Hello? You hear that? That's the sound of me opening the sunroof.
Oh, you picked up your new car.
A much more appropriate business vehicle.
You felt any baby kicks? Mostly butterflies, but that's normal in the first Are dogs drawn to you yet? No.
It's a well-known pregnancy symptom.
Is it? Oh, can you grab that? Sorry? Oh, no, just, uh talking to my executive assistant.
I'm making her do a real estate preliminary course.
Tell her she shouldn't let you boss her around too much.
Oh, Neens says good luck with the course.
Oh, what's it like having Patrick back at work? Good.
Convenient.
Oh, Ange is asking, "What about the hot registrar with the crush on Patrick?" A bit awkward.
Patrick just needs to maintain a professional distance with Eloise.
What? She's in the kitchen, peeling Patrick's sweet potato.
What?! What Neens! Right, I'm coming over.
A pretty girl like you doesn't have a boyfriend? No.
Oh.
And you live alone? Yes.
And your family are in Adelaide and your friends are mostly Oh, Billie.
Hey? Please just stop interrogating Eloise.
I was just thinking it sounds a bit lonely.
At this point in my life, I want to focus on work and study.
Right, still, it must be pretty hard to focus working with Patrick.
Sorry? You know, they're pretty sexed-up places, aren't they - hospitals? No, I've never understood it myself.
You know, all those stinky secretions and catheters stuck right up people's But, you know, you doctors and nurses, you always seem to be lusting after each other.
Oh, Billie, it's not really So, an attractive doctor like Patrick You know, not my taste - no offence.
A teeny bit disappointed.
Well, you know, he must get hit on all the time.
Help me clear the table.
I'll help.
No, no - because you cooked, with Patrick.
I'm not Lovely impromptu dinner.
Thanks.
Hey.
Leave the poor girl alone! Neens, I can ask the questions that you can't.
I mean, look.
Yeah, good.
St Francis - you enjoying it? She never takes her eyes off him.
Billie, please, just stop it.
Are you speaking of hospitals? 'Cause, you know, Nina and Patrick fell for each other at work.
You know, they make such a great couple.
Don't you think? Oh.
Yeah.
How gorgeous does Nina look right now? You know, it's partly because she's in her second trimester.
It means her sex drive Oh, no.
Well, you said yourself your sex drive's gone through the roof.
Whatever it is she's glowing.
Wow.
I really should go.
I need to Yes! You prob probably need to Yeah.
Need to what? Uh thanks so much for dinner.
Oh, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Sleep well.
Uh, thanks.
See ya.
Um, yeah.
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
Uh, thanks.
Bye.
Did you see that? Her eyes were dilated when she kissed Patrick.
That girl is in a serious state of crush.
Have her killed.
Legs broken.
You kept smiling at her! Yeah, that's because your sister was tormenting the poor bloody girl.
I was just trying to make things I know.
But if you smile at her all night, you might give her false hope.
You know, I don't get the sense that she feels anything.
Oh, let me tell you, mister, women are VERY good at hiding it if they lust after a man.
Really? Yep.
I knew the exact moment with you.
When? The hospital ball.
I was on the stairs.
Ah wrong.
I hated your guts that night.
Yeah, you did, but you had lust in your heart.
Oh, you've got tickets on yourself.
I certainly don't find you attractive right now.
Thing is you do.
Any promising job prospects? Uh, no.
They all want qualifications I don't appear to have.
Because you ditched university to gallivant off overseas.
OK, Mum.
Well, did I say that was a bad thing? I was thinking I could work in child care.
Oh! You'd be marvellous.
Yeah, but I don't know if I'd pass the police check.
Oh of course - the public urination charge.
It was a misunderstanding, but Don't worry, darling - you can always stick with casual bar work.
I venture to disagree with your mother.
I'm confident you'll find some job or venture that will utilise your unique combination of talents.
Cheers.
One little river buried down deep Moving on highways Everybody feels the same If everybody feels the same Why's nobody talking 'bout it? How'd that sound? Yeah, that Sounds fantastic.
Hi.
Proudman Real Estate goes big-time.
Oh! Whoo! Yay! Well done.
Yes! And ta-da.
Oh.
Looks awesome.
Oh, well, Dad didn't really believe in spending lots of money on big colour ads, but they're the cornerstone of my publicity campaign.
When this album's released, we're gonna need a bit of a publicity campaign, aren't we? Huh? What? What? Explain.
Mick's been a bit shy about, um, interviews.
Why? What? Oh, it's just those lame 20 questions, like, "What's your favourite pizza topping?" Pineapple.
But it sounds better if you say prosciutto.
"What would your final deathbed words be?" "I love you, Billie.
" "When it comes to toilet paper, are you a scruncher or a folder?" Um, naturally a scruncher but after years of shared housing, you're a folder.
Yeah, OK, you know the answers I'd give.
That's not the point.
The promotion's the other half of the job.
Yeah, and you owe it to Rosanna to promote the album.
Actually, maybe you owe it to Billie to say yes to that couples interview - give her business a bit of extra publicity.
What couples interview? The colour mag that comes with the Sunday papers, they want to do a little piece on you and Mick as a couple.
Really? Yeah.
And Mick said no.
Why?! Why?! What, 'cause you're afraid of success? I'm not afraid of success.
I'm I'm afraid of looking like a dick.
You're unbelievable.
Were you even gonna tell me? No.
Um Zara, I'm looking for the FILE on Mrs POLSON! Do you know where it IS, by any chance? What sort of infernal filing system is this?! If the neurosurgery team were to drill your skull open I wonder if they'd find any brain matter in there at all.
Easy! Easy! Easy! We need to talk to you.
What? Uh, Clegg's going off his trolley.
Assuming he was ever ON any kind of trolley.
Look, yes.
Martin is finding it difficult to recover from this break-up.
Oh, you idiots! Unfit to have children! Get out of the way! This is what he's been like all week.
Nina, you have to do something.
Otherwise he'll get himself into real trouble.
Do you want me to go over his head and report him to his boss? Do you? Do you? No.
No-one wants that.
That puts me in a difficult situation.
And I think, as long as patient safety isn't being compromised, my role at this stage is to support DOCTOR Clegg.
Hi.
Hi.
Should I be pushing Martin to take some time off? Nina, work's the connective tissue that holds Martin together.
That's right.
It's not that I'm not worried about him.
Do you want me to talk to him? No.
It's my responsibility.
It's just that Kim and Zara don't understand that I can't Yeah, it's tricky.
What can I do? Other than make an official report, which would just oh And he's my friend.
I mean, I can try and talk to him.
But he's a very difficult person, especially at the moment.
Yeah, I know.
I'm not sure I want to get involved with Things will probably settle down.
Yeah, things will settle down.
So, our youngest turns two next month.
So, we're just gonna have a little party for him.
Probably just a family How are we going in here? Great.
She's good.
Yes, Eloise is a very capable young doctor.
So, how many weeks are you now, Nina? Ah.
You having the 2nd-trimester surge in libido? Wha? Oh.
Have you laid eyes on Nina's partner, Patrick? Oh! Yes.
Dr Reid is Oh, that's right - he's working back here.
How gorgeous is he? Oh Oh, yeah, yeah you have to be professional about him.
I don't.
I can just say, "He is hot.
" Can you imagine the saucy fun that Nina and him have at home? Oh, steady on, Jolene.
You're embarrassing Eloise.
I keep having epidurals, just so I can get Dr Patrick's hands on me.
But Nina, she can get her hands on him anytime she likes.
Eloise doesn't want to hear about my sex life.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Sorry.
Too much? Oh, d Oh, Eloise.
I need to sort this out.
Eloise, I just wanted to check that you feel at ease with the staff.
Have I seemed ill at ease? I hope I haven't come across rude or Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No.
It's a new workplace.
I'm a bit nervous, I suppose.
Evasive - which is how I'd handle it if I had a crush on my supervisor's boyfriend.
So you don't have strong feelings for any particular colleague? Sorry? Eloise, I don't want to embarrass you.
But I have noticed that you have strong feelings for Patrick.
Oh, no.
Too direct! I just think it's best to be open about these things, so there's no friction at work, or anywhere, don't you? I don't mind if you have a crush on Patrick.
Everyone does - he's hot.
I love him.
And workplace crushes are are not uncommon.
I don't have a crush on Patrick.
It's you.
What? I have a crush on you.
Me?! Say something.
Say something.
ME.
Please apologise to Patrick if I've made him uncomfortable.
And please don't say anything to the nurses.
Oh, no.
Course not Eloise.
I should go to lunch now.
Had it wrong.
Misread all the signals.
No-one's ever had a crush on you.
Or have they? My name's Kim Akerholt and I'm infatuated with Nina Proudman.
Seeing Nina with my brother, it's really hard, you know? When I give Nina her cutlets, she accidentally brushes my hand.
For all my achievements, for all my accolades, for for everything I've achieved, it sounds ridiculous, but it's all been for Nina.
Yeah, thanks, Matt.
Thanks, Matt.
Yeah, thanks, Matt.
Nina! Oh, hi.
I've got to be back at work in 40 minutes.
No worries.
Let me feed you lunch.
What's different about you today? You look great.
Apparently there are people out there who think so.
OK, well, thank you for taking part in this taste test.
On your plates are soft corn tortillas.
OK, you may commence to eat.
- Mmm.
- Mmm! Mmm.
Mmm! Wonderful.
Is that pineapple in there? Ah, yes.
Traditionally goes with pork al pastor.
No preconceptions, please.
Mmm, that goes perfectly.
The tuna's sensational.
Thank you.
Marinated in lime juice, garlic and oregano.
Oh! Yum! Actually, I'm considering a business venture.
The plan is to serve authentic tacos like the ones we made in the 'taqueria'.
I worked at in Mexico City.
Aa business? You're gonna need money to establish a business.
Money's not your strong suit, Jimmy.
And your employment history, well, it's spotty.
Yeah, well, to keep costs down I'm thinking of a pop-up taqueria.
Running a business is not like bunging a lemonade stand on a nature strip.
As I keep saying, we adore you, darling, but honestly Mum's right.
Do you think you're the kind of person to run a business? OK, OK.
I realise the Proudman mythology has me cast as the hopeless joke little brother, but I'm a father now in a viable relationship with a realistic business idea.
If me becoming a grown-up is too destabilising for the family dynamic, you all need to readjust.
Well said.
Us or him? Ooh! New car! Fancy.
Um, yeah, yeah, do that.
Any word from Mr Schmidt? Nuh.
Oh, the Griffins rang back.
Oh, knew they would.
OK, I'm on my way to bag that Collingwood listing and then I've got the magazine interview.
Can you hold the fort? Yep.
I'm on top of things.
Great.
Bye.
Look at you, Mrs Real Estate Dynamo.
Oh.
Actually, I am on track to OK, I'm getting some buzzing here.
Was there some Eloise fallout from last night? Not really.
She was very twitchy.
Eloise doesn't have a crush on Patrick.
What? Come on.
What, you're telling me that girl doesn't I'm telling you she does not.
Neens, no, no.
You're living in a dream In fact, she's just told me that she's infatuated with.
.
Someone else.
Who? Me.
You don't have to look quite so astonished.
I'm just I'm experiencing so many reactions simultaneously.
Deep sense of disbelief, there's pity for Eloise, and then yeah, there's some envy.
Maybe people have had crushes on me in the past and I've just never known! No, you're not the type of person people get crushes on.
Well, I'm obviously Eloise's type.
I wonder if you'd be any better at lesbian sex.
Can we scotch this rumour, once and for all, that I'm not good in bed? You're having lesbian feelings for her.
No, I'm not.
No.
So what are you going to do? I'm gonna be a caring mentor to my student, regardless of the fact that Her loins burn for you.
Yeah.
I'm going back to work.
Bye.
At no point did I say Jimmy's tacos tasted bad.
And I hardly think it's fair to say I've cast my son in a restricting role.
As his mother I'm only trying to Geraldine, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I think that your cranky mood is your mood fluctuation is caused - well, at least, exacerbated - by your substance use.
Oh I suggest you need And I suggest you shut your mouth, Phillip.
This is a diary I've been keeping for the last two weeks.
It notes your wine and marijuana intake.
What? Oh, that was the night we had risotto - about half a bottle of pinot grigio went into that.
When was the last time you had a medical check-up? That's not your business, Phillip.
It IS my business.
I'm not gonna apologise for caring about the health of someone I love.
You haven't accounted for spillage here at all.
That night, Billie came over and she drank Don't we have an obligation to look after ourselves for the sake of the people who love us? Shut up, Phillip.
We'll be fine.
Crushes often evaporate quickly.
OK, ready now, Martin.
Martin? What's Clegg doing? You right there, Martin? Is there a problem, Dr Clegg? Martin.
You'll have to step out of the theatre, Martin.
I'll finish.
Eloise, can you take that? Step out.
I just need a few minutes to close.
That oophorectomy went fine in the end.
Good.
Martin, I can see you're struggling.
Would it be a good idea to take some time off? Well, I'm the head of this department, so that would be my choice to make, wouldn't it, Dr Proudman? Of course.
But, frankly, you're upsetting the patients and the staff.
Oh, I hardly think What if I hadn't been in theatre just now? I would have completed the operation if you hadn't overreacted.
Now, is there anything else? You can pull rank with me if you want, but I'm worried that you're going to be of harm to a patient and you're going to ruin your career.
Martin, you're my friend.
In this context, I'm your superior and I'd like you to leave my office, OK? No, no, no, no, no, Mick.
Don't touch anything until after the journalist gets here, 'cause every single item is specifically placed to convey the kind of couple that we are.
What? Wankers.
No, it's all about, you know, sculpting the media profile that we want to have.
I'd rather just wing it.
Actually, I'd rather not do this at all.
OK, now, um, when she asks me about my business, I'm going to smile, like this.
And I'll hesitate a little bit like I don't want to boast.
You jump in and you say, "Well, Billie isn't one to boast.
" What, are you writing me a script for the interview? Mick, Mick, Mick, Mick, Mick, back, back, back Alright, um, you should definitely mention that I listen to your songs as you're writing them.
I'm your muse.
And, you know, buying a house is an emotional process.
And I enjoy um helping people navigate that process.
In terms of the business, um, since I I took over the the real estate agency, um I've, um Oh.
Yeah, Billie Billie doesn't like to boast.
Oh, Mick, you must be thrilled by how well the new single's doing.
Oh.
Yeah.
We both are.
And Mick's working on a new album.
Hey, are there children on the cards for you guys? Um Well, you know, we would love to have kids, yeah.
Um, but Do you might if I take this? This is my executive assistant.
Yep, go right ahead.
We're finalising some, you know, really big deals.
Yeah? Sorry to disturb, but you said to ring if we got a message from Mr Schmidt.
Yes.
What did he say? He just said, "No.
" Are you there? Yes.
Oh.
And did you know Mrs Lincoln died? What? Oh, God.
That's so sudden.
I know.
Does it tie up the commission money? Yeah, uh, I'll have to check that.
Oh, also, a guy from the bank called to say that Where is that piece of paper? Um Uh It was something about "The bridging finance is a problem.
" Ange.
Tell me word for word what the bank guy said.
Do you think being married restricts you in any way? No.
Oh, busy lady.
Yeah.
Busy.
Well, Mick was just telling me how he supports the risks that you've taken in your career.
Mick's my rock.
I'm his muse.
I listen to his music before he writes it.
I I'm I When he's writing, I listen.
Whoa.
Billie is often the first audience for my new songs.
She's got terrific ears.
Ear.
Not the When I'm not busy - you know Oh, yeah.
Like, the business just It keeps her flat out.
She's Keeps you pretty wired up, too, by the looks of it.
Billie, tell me, how do you balance your work life and being Mick's muse? I need to go to the toilet.
You alright? Is she OK? - Congratulations, guys.
- Thank you.
I'm amazed you can still walk.
Baby number six! She's beautiful.
Have you thought of any names? Yeah, Shelby.
Shelby? Yeah.
Oh.
Hey, where's Eloise? We wanted to thank her.
Oh, Eloise had to go home sick.
Oh.
OK.
What? Yeah, she seemed quite upset.
She was OK in surgery, but she's slunk away now? That's what I'd do.
Hope she's OK.
"Hi, Eloise.
How are you.
Nina.
" Should you put an X, or would a typed kiss send the wrong signal? Or maybe it looks uncaring not to put "Am OK.
" "Will you be in tomorrow?" Oh, Neens.
Hey, did you speak to Martin? I tried.
It didn't go well.
I just saw him heading home.
He seemed OK.
Shit.
Should I tell Patrick? Wow.
Yeah.
See? I told you she wasn't interested in me.
Mmm.
Didn't pick this, though.
Nuh.
I can't I thought I thought being the object of a crush would be fun and sexy, but it's not really.
Should I should I try ringing her? If you were Eloise, what would you want right now? I don't I don't know.
I should just I I should just leave it.
It's probably best to just leave it.
Clegg - he's gone off, God knows where, to get drunk.
God.
I'm just worried he's gonna do something like quit or do something stupid.
I'm just gonna call him again.
I'll handle Martin.
What?! She's gone? Yeah.
I didn't want to keep banging on the bathroom door in case it made it look worse.
I'm so sorry.
It was a disaster.
I don't give a flying fuck.
I just want to know you're OK.
Oh, yeah.
Yep.
So, what did what did she say after I left? She made it sound like I'm a musical genius being held back by the burden of caring for my mentally deranged wife.
Oh, God.
No, don't worry - I put her straight.
But what's going on? What was the phone call about? No, it'll be fine, just, um Ange was just in a flap.
Can you not touch the bread? It's very carefully styled to reflect the kind of couple that we are.
I just want to Dr Reid.
I have never before sampled tequila.
Why didn't you tell me it was such a superb sensation? Hello.
You're attractive.
Martin? Martin, are you there? Hello? Martin, if you can hear me, make a noise, so I know you're OK.
Martin, where are you? Do you want me to come and get you? Martin? I was attempting to close my heart again.
Go back to the man I was.
But it's impossible.
It's impossible.
Shit.
You're the last person who should show up at Eloise's door as a shoulder to cry on.
But she's an isolated young woman, and if she's upset Oh, then again, maybe you shouldn't.
I wonder what her flat's like? Hello.
Dr Proudman.
Uh May I come in for a minute? Sure.
Let me begin by I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable.
Oh, no.
I'm I'M sorry, if I haven't handled this I do understand what it's like to have feelings for a colleague.
A couple of years ago, I was wildly in love with a married colleague.
And every time he came into the room, my body was electrified.
Did you get over it? Oh, well, um I, um ran over his wife's foot in a car, and I flew to Baltimore for six months to escape, and, and I when I knew he'd left town Ex excuse I was so flummoxed that I had a misguided affair with my registrar.
So I don't know if I'm the right person to Stop making it worse.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, God.
Oh! Oh! Is that is that your My guinea pig, Shirley.
Is is she alright? Yes? Jesus, Martin, thank God you picked up.
Alright? How are you feeling? Wild and virile and devil-may-care.
OK.
What's that noise? Martin, is that a tattoo needle? Yes.
Yes, Cherie's face, forever emblazoned on my body.
Yes, the pain is, uh supportable.
I admire your skill, madam.
Just make sure you sit as still as you can.
Jesus, where are you? Ah, you know, I just had a thought - who, other than Cherie would ever choose me? I will never find love again.
Tell me where you are.
Where am I? Hello, Shirley.
OK now? Oh, you gave us a bit of fright, didn't you? Whew! Thanks so much for worrying enough about me to come here.
Eloise, you're a beautiful, intelligent young woman.
You know I'm in love with Patrick.
I'm pregnant.
And not gay.
I didn't realise you were gay.
Eloise.
No-one's ever had a crush on me before.
II'm sorry if I've been clumsy.
It's my problem.
Well, it's my problem, too, if you transfer because of me, damage your career.
Promise me you won't do that.
I guess.
Let's just try and find our way through this.
Goodnight.
Goodnight, Shirley.
Oh, Martin.
Ah! My friend.
He has a spectacular tattoo, and now so do I.
Oh.
It's nice work.
Thanks.
Well, since my love for Cherie has no expression, I've decided to wear her on my body.
Yeah.
I get that.
Do you? Do you really know what it's like to love somebody and not have them love you back? See, I'm still generating all this passion.
And it just, sort of, radiates into empty space.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Alright.
Oh, tequila.
I suppose the the best thing is just to put my head down and get back to work, yeah? No.
You're not in any fit state to treat patients.
I said the same thing to you once.
You did.
You were right.
As indeed you are, my friend.
OK.
Yes, you're right.
You're right.
I suppose I should take some of my 67 weeks of accumulated leave.
Ah.
Patrick suggested I sleep here rather than return to my empty abode.
Oh, right.
That's good.
Yes, that's Uh, Nina, um I want to apologise for my rude and pompous manner today.
I applaud you and I thank you for your your mature handling of a delicate situation.
You're welcome, Martin.
Sleep well.
Thank you.
The Eloise thing it must be an ego boost for you in some ways.
I'm still trying to get my head around it.
You know how you like to imagine scenes? Oh, my God, you're getting off on this, aren't you? Oh, a little bit.
Oh, come on.
Eloise is an attractive woman.
You're a VERY attractive woman.
What are you picturing right now, a threesome? Just merely letting my imagination wander.
Cooee! Ah I did catch the word 'threesome' just now.
Oh, God.
Uh, whatever hopes you may hold, the truth is, I'm in no condition to have a threesome tonight.
Ooh! I just felt a kick.
No, it stopped.
Uh, me again.
Uh, please accept this as a mark of my debilitated state, rather than casting any aspersions on your attractiveness.
Kicked again.
Oh, no.
Does that mean our baby's only gonna respond to Martin Clegg's voice? Uh, hey, little one, I'm your father, and, um Mum and I will explain our strange friend Martin Clegg at some stage.
There it goes.
OK.
Do you feel it? Oh, wow.
What a kicker.
Mmm.