Open All Hours (1973) s04e05 Episode Script

(BELL TINKLING) (SARCASTICALLY) Happy birthday.
Granville! What are you doing? Writing rash statements like that all over me front.
Why not? It is your birthday, isn't it? It's not that.
It's the ''2p off carrots'' I'm worried about.
Arkwright's birthday bonanza indeed.
What do you think this is? A giveaway game show? ''Ladies and gentlemen, the price is wrong.
''Granville, come on down.
'' What are you doing to yourself? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a b-badly wrapped errand boy.
It's the milkwoman.
She thinks I'm inexperienced in the ways of the flesh.
She's probably seen you s-slicing bacon.
If she thinks I've just staggered home from a wild all-night party, covered in lipstick.
Where you gonna g-get kissed this time of the morning? I never get k-kissed this time of the morning and I'm engaged.
I've got me rubber lip stamp, haven't I? -You b-big jessie, you.
-No.
-Morning, Granville.
-Hi, kid.
Kid? Changing our whole personality, aren't we? Oh, guess I haven't switched off from last night's swinging scene.
-Swinging scene, was it? -Aye, a few chicks, the odd flagon of vino.
Not only a butterfingers, but covered in lipstick, too.
Oh, damn.
I thought I'd wiped it all away.
How would you like to add some lips to this collection? Why not? I'm game if you are.
There you go.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Hey, rubber lips.
Come on inside before you c-curdle that milk.
There we go then, C-Cyril.
And a quarter of a mixed sweets.
Thank you very much.
Just like that? You're gonna leave them lying in me hand? Well, if you want m-more active sweets, you'll have to j-jiggle them a bit.
-Aren't you gonna wrap 'em up? -Wrap 'em up? They are wr-wrapped up.
Individually, they're wrapped up.
Aren't you gonna put them in a bag? Am I.
Am I overlooking something here? I mean, we're not related or anything, are we? I mean, is there any f-family reason why you should expect this special treatment? A little bag? Putting the sweets in a bag, you call that special treatment? I suppose it all depends what sort of p-pampered background you're from.
Pampered? I can't help wondering what your m-missus must make of all of these unreasonable demands.
You must be h-hell to live with, Cyril.
Still, in my book the c-customer is always right.
You shall have your little bag.
-Thank you very much.
-That'll be another 2p, please.
I've heard about you.
''Don't go in that shop,'' they said.
''There's a great brute in there.
He'll have your arm off.
'' I thought they meant a flaming Alsatian.
(BELL TINKLING) We haven't got the money to keep dogs in here, Cyril.
My assistant will bark on demand.
There you are, there's one coming up now.
It's a dog's life in here, I can tell you that.
Listen, never mind that, Fido, come back here and explain to this gentleman our policy on little bags, will you? Certainly.
He won't let me go out with any.
You must excuse him.
He's not quite awake yet.
You know what it is with young people, they tend to d-doze off, don't they? Round about 1 4.
They wake up in their late 30s.
Are you gonna wrap these up? You're not interested in philosophy at all, are you? Why don't you s-stick them in your pocket? I don't want this lot rolling round me pocket.
They're only s-sweets, they're not explosive devices.
Pick 'n' mix it says there.
With ''pick 'n' mix'' you always get a paper bag free.
-Look, he comes in here, g-groggy with sleep.
-Who's groggy with sleep? You are.
I think it shows g-great spirit worrying about a little item like a paper bag when you've got eyes as b-bloodshot as yours.
-And don't tell me they're always like that, Cyril.
-Like what? Have you seen your eyes this morning? Look here.
There you are, look.
Look like s-stewed rhubarb.
You're rude to people, you.
It's one of the few pleasures left to the undeserving p-poor.
There we are.
Thank you, C-Cyril.
No, I've taken 49p for the mirror, thank you.
You what? That's outrageous.
Look, is it my fault you were t-too late for the January sales? They were qu-queueing all night, you know.
How do you get away with being so rude to people? It's an acquired skill.
Plus, I do study the experts.
Post office c-counter staff anyone in local government with his knees under a desk.
I think you're just a natural.
That's very nice of you to s-say so, Granville, especially on my b-birthday.
Hey, that's a very nice table you're laying up there.
Why don't you go and get one of those chocolate whip gateaux from out there? We've got some out there that are past their sell-by date.
I want Nurse Gladys to think we're laying out a f-fair bit of money on this do.
It's all you ever talk about is money, innit? Well, what else is there to t-talk about? Don't you ever lie awake at night worrying about your overheads? Overheads? I've seen so little of life, I don't even have any underheads.
Your mother had the same reckless, impetuous streak, you know.
Mind you, she didn't have him long, his missus found out.
Are you being rude about my mother again? No, course I'm not.
I'm very f-fond of her, always w-was.
Even when she came out in that d-dreadful big lump.
Oh, that was awful, wasn't it? It t-turned out to be you.
I remember the day you were born, you know.
Funny little s-screwed-up thing you were.
You still are.
Yeah, and we know who's screwing me up, don't we? Hey, listen, don't start.
Nurse Gladys will be over in a minute for tea.
Hey, that's nice.
It looks lovely, doesn't it? You'd never know that was past its date, would you? Hey, get some of them c-crackers down off the top there.
-Make it all look f-festive.
-Crackers? It's not Christmas.
-You're filling the table with old stock.
-Well, w-what's wrong with old s-stock? -I feel a bit old stock meself for 57.
-58.
Yes, I know, I know.
Go on, get them crackers down.
What does it matter what the time of year it is? The crackers will s-still go bang.
The paper hats s-still won't fit, just like they don't fit at Christmas time.
-Here you are, ''you're'' crackers.
-Thank you.
It's all right, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
-Oh.
Oh, it's you, Granville.
-Yes, entirely me, Mrs Featherstone.
I was hoping it might be.
He usually serves me himself.
Oh, him? Well, he's rude and mercenary.
He is, isn't he? You've got to admire him for it.
You know where you are with people of his generation.
I prefer to place myself in the hands of the more mature person.
Well, I hope to be a more mature person one day, Mrs Featherstone.
In the meantime, you have my best endeavour.
You hear such scandalous tales about the young.
True.
No, I mean, me too.
I hear such scandalous tales about the young.
I never get involved in any, I just hear about them.
-The things they get up to nowadays.
-Apparently.
Ooh.
Before we start, I want to ask you a personal question, Granville.
At last, I'm being treated as a grown-up, at last.
I want you to be perfectly frank and honest with me.
I will, Mrs Featherstone.
It's not every day that I'm consulted confidentially in personal matters by attractive widowed ladies, buffeted, like myself, on the cold winds of loneliness.
-Attractive? -Yeah, you're a woman, Mrs Featherstone.
I find all women attractive, mysterious.
Are you going to start making improper advances? Ready when you are, Mrs Featherstone.
Somebody your age shouldn't be looking lustfully at somebody my age.
Well, I wouldn't say lustfully.
It's just a young man's growing interest in the machinery of life.
You keep away from my machinery.
The urge, you know, to tinker and experiment.
I was exactly the same with Meccano.
Just means that I'm ready to move up to the next set.
You know what I mean? I suggest you start with somebody your own age.
I have.
There's no one worked harder trying to start with someone their own age than me.
Finishing, now that's a different matter entirely.
What will it be? Will it be a brown loaf, Mrs Featherstone? Don't move.
Stay right where you are.
I'm quite breathless.
Now, I want you to tell me, Granville, and don't lie to me.
-As a young person -Yes.
-experienced in all the temptations of the age -Oh, yes.
I want you to tell me, honestly.
What is it, Mrs Featherstone? When did you last wash your hands? I was drying them when I came in just now.
-You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Granville? -Cross my heart, hope to die.
Well, in that case, I'll have a quarter of boiled ham.
I haven't pulled mine.
Hang about.
Ooh.
Hey, that's mine.
There we are then, B-B-Byron.
That's b-butter, lard and some of that nasty, cheap cheese your missus insists on.
She prefers that brand, actually.
Yes, I understand.
In my book the customer is always re-re.
The customer is always re-re-reluctant reluctant to s-spend money.
And one twin pack (WHISPERING) toilet tissue.
H-Have I g-gone deaf? All I heard then was a b-breath of fresh air.
What did you say? -One twin pack toilet tissue.
-Oh, right.
Okay, B-Byron.
One double-barrelled bog roll coming up.
Oh, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
He very badly needs a little course of enforced politeness.
Though how we're going to achieve it, short of major organ transplant, I shudder to think.
You've got an idea.
A very wicked idea.
A really evil little idea.
There we are, B-Byron.
That's your change of fer-for-fer.
That's for-fee-fer.
That's 1 0p change.
Let's have a look, see you've got everything.
Have you got that nasty, cheap cheese your missus has? Have you got that? I'm sure we got the cheese.
Oh, there it is.
Cowering behind a better quality item.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Oh.
Oh? Aftershave.
I don't suppose you have any? After-after-aftersh-aftershave? Oh, we've s-s-started aftershave, have we? -It's like that, is it, B-Byron? -Like what, man? D-don't worry, I've seen it all before.
So, you've got a little bit of a female p-part-time interest on the side, have you, B-Byron? No, of course I haven't.
Look, relax, your s-secret is safe with me.
You can rely upon the discretion of your p-private shopkeeper, no matter what sort of rotten cheap cheese you buy.
I have no secrets.
I don't want any secrets.
Don't be shy.
Your relationship and my relationship is just like a doctor and patient, you know.
When it comes to whose m-midnight bicycle was outside whose b-back door all night, my lips are sealed.
Mind you, I will say this.
If ever you want to b-borrow a good pump, try her at number 42.
I'll make a note of that.
That's not my game at all.
I haven't got a bicycle.
It's funny, you know, most of my aftershave goes to the extra-marital trade.
That's why I keep it down here on the illicit love shelf.
Along with the racier deodorants and the t-toenail clippers, the X-certificate bath essence and the softer toilet tissues and, funnily enough, the combination p-pocket magnifier with a built-in light.
I've spent many a slack afternoon wondering what advantages would accrue to the older operator of the pocket magnifier with a b-built-in light.
I keep them all down here by the door.
Say what you like about your average g-guilty lover, he doesn't tend to hang about.
He likes to nip in, grab the first thing he can see, and off again.
-Perhaps I'll leave it for now.
-No, you can't leave this stuff.
It won't be left.
-It's called Savage, Byron.
-I don't care.
It's very difficult to keep the damn stuff in the bottle, you know.
-Forget it.
-Guaranteed, the most p-potent aid -to your love-life since the thermal sock.
-Forget it.
Forget I ever asked for it.
I'll deny everything.
I'm a very happily married man.
Very well.
But you know where to come if ever you get lucky enough to require a combination pocket magnifier with a built-in light.
We've got b-bog rolls in all colours, Byron.
Oh, dear.
I d-don't know what's g-got into him.
I can tell you what's got into him.
An acute attack of big mouth.
-He hasn't got a big mouth.
-Not his, yours.
-Oh, I see.
-But never mind that.
-Granville's got something to ask you.
-Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
If a big fat woman worked in a sweet shop for five years, what does she weigh? Give up? Sweets.
Not that, you ha'p'orth.
-Your little bit of industrial spying.
-Industrial spying? You haven't been hobnobbing with them factory girls again, have you? Me, hobnob? Don't think I've even got one.
No, I just heard them talking in the shoe shop.
They were talking about the Good Shop Guide.
The Good Sh-Shop Guide? No, not the Good Share Shop Guide.
That's the Co-op.
It's the Good Shop Guide.
It's like the Good Food Guide.
You know, they have all these inspectors wandering about.
Apparently there's an inspector in the area going around all the shops pretending to be an ordinary customer.
Is there? What's he look like? Nobody knows what he looks like.
They wouldn't, would they? I mean, could be a she.
-She? -Yeah, a she, you know, the ones that go round molesting men's hands with their bodies.
-I know what they are.
-Wish I did.
You keep your mind on w-what we're talking about.
What is all this Good Shop plop? I mean, what's he going on about? I told you, it's like the Good Food Guide.
They give you a star rating.
Like one-star, two-star, three-star, depending upon how good you are.
You get marks for service, quality -and of course, politeness.
-Well, we're in with a chance, then.
What are you laughing at, both of you? You'd have to struggle to get in the Bad Shop Guide.
-Hey, you watch it, you.
-That's one star you've lost for a start.
(BELL TINKLING) Hey, th-they look nice, don't they? Hey.
Psst.
Could be the inspector.
Hey, go on.
You go, you're the owner.
I'm just gonna g-get me face around this c-cream slice here.
I know, but you're the owner.
Could be worth all the effort, you know.
Might double our trade.
Oh, listen.
One of the things they give you top marks for is they like to see how kind you are to your employees.
Remember, I'm an employee.
You're having me on.
No, honestly! It's two stars for kindness to employees.
You're not going to take advantage of this situation, are you? Now, would I? Good day, sir.
Welcome to H-Happy Arkwright's.
Just don't get his blood pressure too high.
Me? You're a fine one to talk, ain't ya? I don't suppose you keep anything for removing smears from a windscreen? Oh, yes, we do, sir.
Yes, we do.
It's out the back.
It's called Granville.
Granville, come here.
Come and unsmear this gentleman, would you, please? (MUTTERING) Kindness to employees, two stars.
He's a funny little chap.
We're a very happy team here, you know, sir.
Oh, yes, he spoils me rotten, you know, sir.
He always says, ''Granville, help yourself to as much free ice cream as you please.
'' No, sorry, I tell a lie.
What he actually says is, he says, ''Granville, help yourself to as m-m-much ''fe-fe-free ice cream as you per-per-per.
'' Two stars.
He's a funny little wag.
Used to be in the Boy Scouts, you see.
Oh, we do laugh, don't we? You remember yesterday when we laughed when you f-fell down the stairs? I didn't fall down the stairs yesterday.
Maybe I'm th-thinking of tomorrow.
Now, sir.
Here we are, something for the windscreen.
I always keep a few r-requisites for p-p-passing motorists.
I make a point of it.
It's not the money, it's just the public service, you know what I mean? That's a n-nasty c-cough you've g-got there, Granville.
Oh, dear.
Ta.
So, you reckon that windscreen smear man weren't the inspector? No.
He's still to come, I reckon.
Hope he doesn't turn up while you're over Nurse Gladys'.
Why are you going over there, anyway? You've had your birthday tea.
I'm going over to get me present.
I wonder what it is.
I hope.
No, no, it wouldn't be.
I mean, if she gave it me as a b-birthday present, she'd have nothing to give me as a w-wedding present.
I haven't got the vaguest idea about what you are referring to.
Yes, you have.
You know exactly what I'm referring to.
Her m-marble clock.
I've always admired her m-marble clock.
I'm sure it's mutual.
-It has a wonderful French movement.
-Oh, really? How's it go? No.
Don't be daft.
All c-clocks have movements.
Mine doesn't.
It's positively inert.
Well, it's digital.
Is it any wonder? Look at the time.
prisoner in the clutches of my wicked uncle.
Your uncle is going to be wicked across the road, c-clutching something else entirely.
-Yeah.
And I'm Aladdin.
-You? Yeah, I am Aladdin.
A-lad-in here unable to get out.
Listen, Aladdin, you stay here and guard this cave of treasures, will you? And don't go rubbing your lamp while I'm out.
I don't want to come back here and find you've turned into a f-fairy prince.
There's too many round here.
I'll get that.
Could be the inspector.
Where's your overall? I left it upstairs when I was change.
Give me that striped apron off there.
No, don't bother.
G-Good evening, sir.
V-Very nice evening f-for the time of weather.
Is there anything I can help you with or are you just a snoop.
Are you just b-browsing? If there's nothing you can see that's on the shelves, m-my assistant, Granville, will get it for you.
What I mean to say is, if there's something not on the shelf, Granville w-will remove it.
Granville, get out here and straighten the bananas.
Thank you.
That's a v-very nasty tickle you've got there, Granville.
You better help yourself to something for your throat.
We don't want our valuable employees coughing all over the comestibles, do we? No, I'll have an ice cream, that's good for the throat.
I had one earlier on.
Well, half-a-one.
It freezes the epiglottis.
We m-must try that on other parts of you later on.
There's no need to d-damage th-the bread, sir.
It's all f-fresh as a daisy.
It's s-soft as a b-baby's b-bottom lip.
You'll find no f-foreign substances at Arkwright's, sir.
If it's mouse droppings you're looking for, there's a much better stockist in the main street.
-Pardon? -He said, ''Have you got anything for laryngitis?'' Oh, I thought it sounded a bit nasty.
I've got the very thing here, sir.
This is wonderful stuff.
I use this meself.
There we are, Granville.
I swear by that stuff, sir.
As soon as I get me voice back.
I can't keep it up! Have you got any of that Savage aftershave? Oh, yes.
Isn't that funny? That's a coincidence.
You're the second gentleman to ask for that today, sir.
It's on the second shelf, Granville, keep it dark.
He said, ''You know anything about the lady who lives at number 42?'' Oh, well, it's all falling into place now.
So you're investigating her as well, are you? Well, I suppose she would come under the heading retailer, yes.
She certainly doesn't give it away.
Have you any personal experience of the lady? Well, put it this way.
I've been supplying her with fresh vegetables every T-Tuesday afternoon for the p-past 1 8 months and I've not seen a penny.
M-mind you, I've seen a good deal of everything else.
So that's where you've been getting to every Tuesday afternoon, is it? You keep q-quiet about this, G-Granville, my lad.
If Nurse G-Gladys found that out, she'd sp-spiflicate me.
You.
You put her up to this, Granville.
It wasn't him.
It was me.
I just wanted to hear you being polite to someone for a change.
Well, I'm always p-p-polite to you, my love.
-A customer.
I'm not a customer.
-You could be if you played your cards right.
All I'm short of is a dozen eggs.
And the way your hands are shaking, you'd probably drop them.
I-I wish you'd d-d-drop them.
I beg your pardon? What do you mean? Those flimsy little things that come between me and happiness.
Oh, scruples, you mean.
That's a new way of calling them, isn't it? Scruples.
''I can't come out tonight.
I've gotta rinse a few p-pairs of scruples.
'' Are you coming over or not? Your champagne will be getting cold.
-Hey, what about m-my p-present? -I'm your present.
Oh, c-can I unwrap you now, then? No, I'll do the unwrapping, thank you.
-Keep your hands to yourself.
-Hey.
I've got a m-mac like that.
-You got a hat like this and all.
-These are mine, aren't they? You have had me going, you really have.
I really thought you was him.
-Him? Him who? -Him from the multicoloured shop guide.
There's no such person.
You what? Granville and I made him up just to get you going.
Granville, I'll d-deal with you later.
Now, you know what you want, don't you? You want a-a good walloping, that's what you want.
-And who's gonna give it to me? -I-I-I am.
Oh, three of you.
-There's just one question.
-Oh.
-With or without scruples? -Right.
Well! Oh.
Hello, Mrs Fer-Fer.
J-Just doing a bit of s-stocktaking.
Do my eyes deceive me? N-No, it's all very real, as far as I can ascertain.
I'll never be able to look Nurse Gladys in the face again.
Not from this angle, certainly.
I'll give him Good Shop Guide.
I'll give him two stars where they'll do most good.
So, they think I'm too rude to the customers.
I'll have to watch it.
I wouldn't have said I was a rude man.
Except to Granville, and that's what Hungarian errand boys are for.
As for G-Gladys Emmanuel, I'd never be rude to her.
I'd be rude with her.
Maybe next week.