Parks and Recreation s04e05 Episode Script

Hmm.
Eyeballs wrapped, uhm vampire teeth Boom! Vampire teeth.
Good.
Spider webs.
- Done.
- Mm-hm.
Fake blood capsules.
Oh, they didn't have any.
Really? That's gross, I love it.
We are throwing a Halloween party at our house.
It's gonna be the greatest thing ever.
Someone will die.
Of fun! And of murder.
And there's gonna be beer, pumpkins Bloody goblins.
Fake ones.
It's gonna be awesome.
We have decorations Dead people that we just murdered.
Not murdered.
But pictures of dead people from TV or movies.
Mutilated bodies.
B-but fake ones.
Candy, dancing, Tequila.
All kinds of food and snacks.
Blood orphans.
No blood orphans.
II don't know what that is.
I want you on message, and the message is Leslie Knope.
If you're not talking about you, you're talking about the wrong thing.
I hate talking about myself.
Get over it.
I talk about myself constantly.
Everyone loves me for it.
I really am amazing.
When you work in government, people often suspect that you're anti-business.
So I'm throwing a little meet-and-greet with business owners, and I've asked Tom's company to help.
Here's my opening line: "Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, and I'm in the business of being city councilor.
" - Oh, my God.
- I'm not going to use that.
This is your primary target.
President of the chamber of commerce, Martin Kernston.
Oh, yes, from Kernston Rubber Nipples.
"The nipple king.
" Photos, BIOS, likes, dislikes, prescription medications.
I've heard of Martin Kernston.
- I know a little bit about him.
- Oh, really? Well, which of his advisors does he trust more, Ted Flirtman or Rex Spax? Well, it depends, Flirtman is more of a confidant-- I made up both those names.
Okay, I'm on it.
Get at me.
Jean-Ralphio, stop crying.
What? Hold on, slow down.
Hold on-- Allergic to chestnuts.
And good haircuts.
It's too tight, looser.
No, I feel like we need to inflate it more.
No, I told you, I'm a sumo wrestler after he lost the weight.
I take it we're having a party.
Dude! I knew there was sometngng I forgot to tell you.
Sorry.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have an enormous party? I-I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room.
- That's a good point.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess we're even.
If you need me, I'll--I'll definitely be awake.
Because I-I won't be able to sleep.
Because of the party.
You know? So All right.
My family is very non-confrontational.
My parents' method of problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint at what's bothering them.
And after 36 years, they are still divorced.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tom, this is not what I pictured at all.
This looks like a party for Entertainment 720.
Is Entertainment 720 running for office? It's a small business.
You're trying to show people you have a good relationship with small businesses.
Now the party, that's all about you, Boo.
Okay, then shouldn't my face be on these rugs? I'm sorry, no.
It's always been a dream of mine to be a rug.
And it's finally happened.
Tom, now is not a time for you to explore your weird dreams.
Okay? I want all of this gone, all of it.
Except that cake.
Keep tha tcake here.
Just scrape off the words.
Donna? Blue shirt Badge Nightstick.
You are a policewoman.
Yup.
- You're a regular-- - Sherlock Holmes.
I solved that mystery before you did.
Okay, this was fun.
Andy! You are UFC legend Chuck Liddell.
That's right.
Girl from The Ring.
To me, Sherlock Holmes is literally the greatest character in the Western canon.
Smart, intuitive, handsome.
Replace his pasty British frailty with superhuman physical fitness, and you get Sherlock Traeger.
Mister Potato head.
That's right.
Hey, where's my lovely daughter tonight? She's at home.
I knew that you would be here.
And I was worried that you might be concerned, seeing us together at night.
You're a very thoughtful guy.
But really, I have no problem with the two of you dating.
R-really, I mean, look at you.
You're just, you know, beautiful.
You're beautiful.
On the inside where your spirit lives.
Listen, tell her come to the party and I don't mind at all.
Oh, good, I'll text her.
Okay, you can text without looking at your phone? I think it's rude not to maintain eye contact with people that I'm talking to.
That's from me.
Wow! I--th-that's amazing.
- High five.
- Wow.
Hey, Ron.
Good to see you.
Weren't you a pirate last year? Yes.
This is my Halloween costume.
Andrew, are you aware that your bathroom faucet is leaking? Are you kidding me? I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday.
What else do they want me to do? There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well.
Oh, yeah, shockwire! I call it that 'cause if you take a shower and you touch the wire.
You die! Yes, that is accurate.
Do you have a toolbox? Yeah.
No home is complete without a proper toolbox.
Here's April and Andy's.
A hammer.
Half of a pretzel.
Baseball card.
Some cartridge that says "Sonic" and "Hedgehog.
" A scissor half.
And a flashlight Filled with jellybeans.
Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private citizen, I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments.
Mm, I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.
That's 'cause I don't hate myself, Tanya.
I'm sorry.
I know I should be chasing your vote, but I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.
And I think I have a lot of support in the community for that.
Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, uh, I think it's going pretty well.
When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad.
I'm just especially thankful that you could come, Mr.
President.
- Martin.
- Martin.
You were responsible for the Harvest Festival, right? No.
Yes.
Well It was a team effort.
I barely did anything.
I held them back actually.
They succeeded despite me.
I'm sorry.
I worked very hard on that event.
I'm just.
.
Bureaucrats s aren't used to bragging about themselves.
Tom, come over here and talk about how great I am.
Martin Tom M Veverfor I threw this shindig Tom, tell Martin how hard I worked on the Harvest Festival.
It was incredible.
A lot of people say the Harvest Festival is what launched Entertainment 720.
- No one says that.
- I just said it.
My company, Entertainment 720, has an amazing business opportunity for Kernston's.
Mind if I steal you away for a few seconds? Give you the 'tails? The 'tails? The details.
Most people would probably say "the deets.
" I say "the 'tails.
" Just one example of innovation.
Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" too often.
If you call everybody a butthead, then it kind of loses its impact.
But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.
Hey! You stole the nipple king.
Thanks a lot, traitor.
I'm sorry, I just needed to ask him about this one thing, but we're all good now.
Wh-what if I just introduce you for your speech? I have a better idea.
Why don't you go over to one of your rugs and sit on your own face? I don't need your "help" anymore.
Hi there.
Is there a project you're working on? I know more than you.
All right.
When April and Andy married, I didn't get them a wedding present.
In my experience, wedding presents are nothing more than kindling on a divorce bonfire.
But I think I found a way I can really help them make a home.
You, beanbag, come with me.
I'm an eggplant.
I don't care.
Come with me.
- Why? - I need small hands.
I'm scared.
Look who decided to join the party, bro! That's awesome! Where's your costume? Honey, he's wearing a costume.
He's going as lame.
That's a pretty good costume actually.
But, uh, I think the Batman costume's way better.
You should go wear that.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna put on a costume because I'm not really attending this party That's at my house.
Hey, listen, if you're mad about something, - you should just-- - No, I'm not.
I'm not mad.
Really? Listen, I feel like you are mad.
So maybe you should just talk to us about it.
My name's Ben.
I'm mad.
All right, that was great, - Thank you.
Thanks for that.
- Soft, soft lips.
Your fingers are salty.
I'm gonna finish my work-- Oren, no! No.
Stay out.
Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy.
And what has kept our town alive is you, the small businessman.
And I'm not referring to your stature, Gary.
You are a giant in this community.
So many business represented here today.
Food and Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount Cemetery, uh, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium.
Who else? Sue's Salads.
Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes.
Jeff's Savings and Loan And Entertainment 720.
Thank you so much for that amazing intro, Leslie.
Hi, folks.
My name is Tom Haverford, and I'm here to tell you a little bit about Pawnee's premiere entertainment and multimedia conglomerate, Entertainment 720 where dreams come, they come true How about we watch this brief promotional film? What? Entertainment 720 has been a fixture of this community since June.
Tom, listen to me.
Turn that off or give me the remote right now.
Can we let it play please? You're lucky that Martin Kernston is here because you're gonna need another nipple.
There.
I think I got it.
Yep, you got it.
Can you at least tell me what you're doing? I'm a homeowner.
I would like to actually learn something.
Yeah.
I'm tightening the valve stem into the valve shank.
I'm replacing the handle.
And then tightening the set screw, which will hold it in place.
Now Oh, my God! We made it work.
It's a good feeling.
A sense of accomplishment and pride.
Damn it, I just love it so much.
Are you okay? Great.
I'm gonna go around this house and fix everything I can find that needs fixing.
You wanna help? I really do.
Good.
That's next.
I can't reveal my identity because of various corporate enemies, but suffice it to say, I run a fairly popular social networking site.
And let's face it, booking e720 was the smartest decision I ever made.
I hope you liked this story.
I invented Facebook.
Wow.
Okay, um I know that video seemed like the rantings of a lunatic pretending to be Mark zuckerberg-- - That's who that was? - No.
That is impressive.
Uh, we're not gonna waste any more of your time.
Agreed.
Let's get right to it.
Please welcome the e720 mailing list divas! I want all of y'all to write down the name and direct phone line for whoever's in charge of hiring independent contractors for your business! Now come join me and let's all take a dip in the e720 mobile hot tub! It's parked right outside.
Le'go.
- Hey, Ben.
- Hey.
Thought you weren't coming to the party.
Well, I'm just having a butterfinger.
Oh, really? Is that okay? No.
You're not part of the party, you can't have the candy.
- Back up.
- All right.
- Back up.
- Okay.
I have one sister.
We steal each other's stuff, hack each other's Twitter accounts, set each other's clothes on fire.
There are no rules.
We need to deal with what's bothering you.
Oh, please, come into my room.
See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it.
And I'm gonna beat you up until you do, because I'm mature.
What are you-- Stop it.
I grew up with five brothers and we fought.
Using the Dwyer method, which was yelling, wrestling, crying, followed by lots of hugs.
And then more wrestling, but the fun kind, and then crying when the fun kind of wrestling got out of hand.
Um, can you let me go? Not 'til you tell me what's wrong.
Um, Mr.
President.
I just want to apologize for the actions of that little weasel.
Leslie, I'm a frugal man.
I don't like extravagance or showmanship.
That's why I cut my own hair.
And it's what's made me a successful businessman.
So if Entertainment 720 is the kind of business you trust, I'm afraid you and I don't share the same values.
There you are, you little bastard.
Get out of there right now.
Leslie, can you do me a favor and just let me sit here? Tom, get out of your stupid limousine hot tub right now, or we are no longer friends.
I'm not getting out.
Fine, then I'm getting in.
Listen to me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, get away from me.
You know what you are? You're a selfish little punk, okay? Just because you want something doesn't mean that everybody has to bow to-- listen to me! You didn't even let me have my one night.
Look at me! I don't want to see your face.
Look at me.
I don't want to see your face! I've been looking at your face all night.
God! I'm sorry.
What's wrong with you? My company's bankrupt.
Okay? Entertainment 720 is dead.
Oh, man.
Excuse us.
Nice form, son.
Make sure you keep a firm pressure on the cranium.
On the cranium? Listen up! I have to turn off the power for one minute.
We're gonna go dark, people.
Bear with us, okay? We gotta switch off the main fuse hose.
It's just a fuse.
It's just a fusePeople.
Just a fuse.
Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.
I'm too sad to get out.
And I'm all pruney.
What happened? I don't know.
I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning, and I've been laying around-- With the company, Tom.
We're hemorrhaging cash ever since we opened.
They say you've got to spend money to make money.
Well, I don't know where we went wrong.
We spent all of our money.
Okay.
You know what you need? Some good old-fashioned comfort food.
Where are we gonna get Albacore tuna with crispy onions at this hour? Come on.
Looks like you've got the handle on that torque wrench.
Yeah, well, the flange was a little warped.
So I just goosed it with a triple three bolt smack.
That was nonsense.
I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.
You know what? Keep this.
You earned it.
Thanks, Ron.
I need to get more dip.
Great.
I'm going.
- Come on, walk.
- No.
This is a pacifist protest.
Had enough? You need to let go of me.
Yeah, get it.
That's good.
There we go.
- Let go of me.
- He's got his back.
Come on, fight me.
- No! - Noooo.
Nice! Yeah! Oh, my God, Andy, I am so sorry.
Psych! Blood capsules.
- What? - Yeah! I wanted to shock you into expressing your anger.
And that way-- ! My nose is broken.
Oh, my God.
- I gotta go to the hospital.
- Andy, come on.
- Oh, my God.
- Didn't it feel good? Come here.
Yup! Wow, I thought you guys were doing great.
I remember trying to hire you once.
And you said you were all booked up.
That was a business tactic.
For the first two weeks, we told everyone we were booked solid to make people want us more.
Oh, no, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Well, hindsight is 20/20.
Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one.
Also, your logo, it's the worst logo I've ever seen.
It doesn't make any sense.
It's gibberish.
We made some mistakes.
Tonight was my last chance to land a big client.
And I failed again.
God, it's so embarrassing.
Oh, hey, Tom, you're a smart guy.
And charming.
Occasionally.
You're gonna have a lot more good ideas.
Thanks.
Sorry I screwed up your campaign thing.
I really wanted to do a good job.
I made you this amazing video biography.
Of my life? It's back at the office.
- Well, let's eat and go.
- Okay.
Didn't I ask for whipped cream on this? Ma'am? Ugh, does it hurt? Yeah, you broke my nose, so - I'm sorry.
- But I don't even care.
Just get it all out there, man.
Go.
All right maybe you have to start thinking about how--how your actions affect me.
Like, tell me about stuff happening in the house.
Stop referring to my bedroom as a common space.
Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts.
Just respect me.
Absolutely.
- Really? - Yep.
And in return, I'll only ask for one thing, which is for you to pay for studio recording time for my band to do our new album.
It's gonna be about 5,600 bucks.
Deal? That's not gonna happen.
Here's something for the pain and some ice packs.
- Oh.
- You his friend? Him? Hell, no.
We're brothers.
- Excuse me.
Hey.
- Hi.
We should go.
I'm blocking an ambulance.
Ew, if your nose is all weird after this, I'm totally gonna divorce you.
Whatever, I'm gonna divorce you first for wearing my favorite hoodie.
Is everything cool? - Yeah, it is.
- Let's go.
We just can't use Ben's comforters anymore for our pillow forts.
Ugh, what are we gonna have sex on? The year was 1975.
It was a time of trouble.
Watergate, Vietnam, Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.
But then, a ray of hope Leslie Barbara Knope was born on January 18, 1975.
And she has been a loyal patron of its businesses ever since.
Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person.
He went to Kernston's office and basically begged him to meet with me again.
I think he technically might have bribed him.
But hey, you know, whatever works.
It was Mary pickford who once said, "This thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.
" Tom won't be down for long.
Her name is Leslie Knope.
And I'm gonna vote for her.
And if Lil' Sebastian were still alive, he'd surely vote for her.
And I reckon you should too.
Did ya like it? It's pretty great, right? Worked really hard on it.
Yeah, I loved it.
I'm gonna watch it every day for the rest of my life.
And when I die, I'm gonna project it on my tombstone.
I had an amazing time at that party.
And in the case of the woman who's stolen my heart, the culprit was Millicent Gergich.
You should look into actual detective work.
I will.
And, Jerry, I've decided to take your daughter home.
And we may be having intercourse.
Please, you've got to stop saying things like that to me.
You've got it, man.
Bye, dad.
Everything okay? I can't find my car keys.
Solve this mystery, genius.