Please Like Me (2013) s04e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on Please Like Me Josh, are you meeting any new men? Where am I meeting people? There's no people.
Hi.
- Ooh! - Josh, this is Geoffrey.
(GEOFFREY) Hello m'aam.
I'm Josh's boyfriend, Geoffrey.
Oh, but you're so handsome.
And I wanna give you all of me, the best parts and the worst.
Why do we have to put up with the worst parts? I just wanna be friends, okay? Chitty bang bang, Chitty bang bang Chitty bang bang, Chitty bang bang Chitty bang bang, yeah Chitty bang bang, Chitty bang bang - (ELLA) Tom - (TOM) What? - Just feel it, please.
- I've already touched it.
- Well, what do you think it is? - I don't know.
- Do you think it's cancer? - I doubt it.
But I don't want to say it's not, just in case it is.
- Josh, can you feel it, please? - No, I just could never.
I don't really want him to touch it either.
- I think I just saw Geoffrey.
- (CHUCKLES) You always think you're seeing Geoffrey, but you're not.
- Guys, I could be dying! - Oh, you wish.
- You're not dying! - Josh, feel it! He doesn't know what breasts are meant to feel like.
- Absolutely never.
- It's Josh and Tom.
It was Geoffrey! Hey.
Hi.
One, two.
One, two, three, four Ooh - Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah - Ooh - Ooh - Okay, yeah - Ooh, ooh - Oh, the good Lord knows it - Ooh, ooh-ooh - Oh, the good Lord knows it - Ooh - I left better behind - I'll be - Fine Yeah, yeah Make my mamma turn another blind eye Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I left better behind I'll be fine Do you want me to choke you or something? - Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Is that right? - Just shut up.
(CHUCKLES) It's just it's just I'm worried I'm hurting you.
But, no, that's the point.
Okay.
(CLOCK CHIMES AND CUCKOOS) What are you reading about in the newspaper? The Middle East.
Don't you think instead it'd be fun to, like, just be cute with me? Just let me finish.
It's just, um it's just I really feel like I need some attention from you right now.
- Josh, I'm busy.
- Okay.
I'll just entertain myself.
(SCATS) Boo-boo bop-bop be-doo-bop be-doodle Be-do-dah bup-bup be-do-dah Potato, po-taht-a, do-dah, po-taht-a Ba-do-ba ba-de-ba-di-ba ba-da-ba boo-bah Be-dooby-dooby-doo ba-ba-da ba-roo Be-dooby-doo ba-ba-da ba-roo Be-dooby-doo ba-ba-da ba-ba Be-dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby do-ba ba-ba Be-dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby do-ba-ba Be-da-ba be-do-ba Ah! Ah! Be-dooby-do-da Ah! Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
Is this distracting you from pretending that it's the olden days and that you're a grandparent and that you're, like, wearing a monocle and eating jellied eel? Because nobody reads the newspaper anymore, okay, because we have the internet now.
And also, this newspaper is all biased and stupid and Ba-da-da bup-bow! Geoffrey? Geoffrey? Geoffrey, I asked you a question.
What do you want? I just want you to hold me.
(JOSH SCATS SOFTLY) (ELLA) I always just assumed this is how tired everyone was.
But now I think maybe it's just because I'm sick.
- (TOM) You don't have cancer! - (ELLA) Oh, my God! Desperate for me not to have cancer.
What? Yeah.
I am desperate for you not to have cancer.
You're gonna break up with me because I have cancer.
It is so mean of you to think that I would do that.
- I'm too tired to argue, Tom.
- Fine.
But you're not tired from cancer.
You don't know that.
(SIGHS) - Hannah.
- Oh.
Whoa! That table came out of nowhere, didn't it? It really wasn't looking where it was goin'.
That's fine.
Thanks.
You look lovely.
Very expensive.
- I've got tenure.
- Oh.
- You look really good.
- Thank you.
I've, er, got posture.
You've been on my mind a lot lately, Hannah.
I can't believe you wrote a letter to my mum.
She wasn't that fond of you.
Well, it was the only way I could find you.
You're not on social media.
You almost don't exist.
I know.
Um, are you sick? No.
No, I don't think so.
So not sick.
Have you joined AA? Are you trying to think of all the negative reasons why I might get back in contact with you? Yeah.
Well, we didn't end well.
Yeah.
It was brutal.
It was the prequel to Fury Road where we find out how Charlize Theron lost her arm.
You were Charlize Theron's arm to me, Hannah.
The bit that was left or the mechanical claw bit? (LAUGHS) See? You still make me laugh.
I live in a caravan.
I don't have a job.
I still hate myself so much I want to hit myself with a hammer.
But I can do three push-ups.
That's great.
I missed you, John.
He has this new-found sense of independence.
Sometimes he sits in rooms alone without me.
And I'm just I'm shattered.
He really snuggled me last night.
I think he remembers me.
(JOSH) Nah, he just does that when he's cold.
Sorry.
No, yeah, yeah.
No, definitely, he misses you.
He loves you.
Yeah, definitely.
He's being he's being extraordinarily sweet.
Yeah.
He definitely doesn't look at the other boys like that.
(DOOR OPENS) Whoa.
Ella? (SOFTLY) Hi.
Oop! (CHUCKLES) Come on through.
Ta-da! Solar hot-water system.
You shower out here? No, I shower at the gym.
- That is a hose.
- Okay.
Look, I put up fairy lights.
I'm sure they're pretty in the dark.
Yeah, I really feel like I'm finally catching up with the Kardashians.
That's one fine caravan.
Would you like to see inside the palace? Sure.
Let's do this.
Ladies first.
- I'm a lady.
- (LAUGHS) Mmm, no, no, no, no.
Not every time.
But I've been googling how.
You're really not very good at being dominant, are you? Okay.
Take that back, you sissy! (LAUGHS) You can't fight me.
Obviously you're stronger than me.
- Oh, yeah.
- Pretend.
(LAUGHS) (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC) Never had a doctor the same age as me before.
(CHUCKLES) Just lift your arm for me.
- Thank you.
- (SQUEALS) - Are you all right? - Yeah, sorry.
It's fine.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm good.
- Okay.
- I'm good.
It's all good.
All good here.
(CHUCKLES) Oi.
I forgot.
I don't have any gas.
I can't offer you tea.
I've got water or milk.
I've got milk.
Look, in tiny buckets.
(CHUCKLES) Good.
You know, when you said that you were living in a caravan, you know I kind of thought you were joking.
Well, it's both true and a joke, isn't it? It's like this is a joke.
My life is a joke.
- No, it's not.
(CLEARS THROAT) - Yeah.
Methinks you might want to make your exit now.
No, I don't want to leave, actually, as it happens.
Yeah, you do.
Remember, old habits? - You like to leave me.
- Hannah, you're overthinking this.
Well, how much is enough think? You know, I don't want to underthink.
You've given it adequate think.
- Come here.
- Over there, to you? - I want to kiss you.
- Gosh.
What the hell are you doing? Like, look at you.
You're winning at life.
Look at me.
I'm not just losing, I'm not even playing anymore.
You being here doesn't make any sense.
No, you being here doesn't make any sense, Hannah.
When we met, you were the winner.
I wouldn't be winning this winnerly, if it wasn't for you.
What good is being the winner if - Chicken dinner.
- What? Yeah, no idea.
I regret saying that.
(GENTLE MUSIC) Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Was it okay? What did he say? Was it bad news? - It's just fibroadenoma.
- Is that good? Yeah, it's just, like, fibrous tissue.
It just means that I'm probably getting my period.
- It's not cancer? - Not cancer.
Fibroadenoma.
High five! Okay! He was so young for a doctor.
Did you like it when he touched your boobies? No, Tom.
I was too worried about my cancer.
Wasn't just young, though, was he? He was, like, a full babe.
Like a model but educated.
I wish he'd touched my boobies.
- He was a dream.
- Mmm.
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? Everyone knows.
Nothing's ever been more clear than that guy's dreaminess.
- (SCOFFS) What? - What? You're just looking at me like I'm in love with him.
Whoa! Whoa.
Absolutely at no point was I thinking you were in love with that doctor.
Okay.
Okay.
So, what's next in store for you? - What do you mean? - Like, what's next? - What's your plan? - I'm meant to have a plan? Yes.
I'm Shit, I don't know.
What's next in store for you? I've really been trying to self-improve lately.
I lost track for a while, if I'm honest, but I'm focused.
I'm ready to focus.
What are you focusing on? I'm focusing on trying to get back to the truest version of myself.
Is this not the truest version of yourself? I don't think you've ever really known me as the truest version of myself.
Okay, but you just said you were trying to improve, so how do you know that getting back to your truest version of yourself is gonna be an improvement? (CHUCKLES) Oh, wow! - I should not be here anymore.
- Why? Do you not think there's a discord between your personality and my personality? (CHUCKLES) Yes.
- Right? - Yeah.
Yeah, we should absolutely stop this while we're ahead.
Absolutely! It's just weird that you would presume that I thought you were into the doctor.
Can't you just be happy that I don't have cancer? Did you say anything to him that wasn't about your lump? I don't even remember.
I think I said, "It's weird having a doctor who's the same age as you.
" Ho-ho! That's the flirtiest comment I've ever heard.
Oh, my God! Okay, fine.
Yeah, he was hot.
That was entertaining.
Imagine if you had a hot doctor touching your body.
My doctor's the same gender as me.
Well, thanks to the patriarchy, the majority of doctors available at short notice are men.
I hate it when you blame the patriarchy.
What can I possibly say now that's not going to sound patriarchy-ish? (PHONE RINGS) - Hey! - (TOM) Josh.
- Do you have cancer? - No.
I have fibroadenoma.
Sweet, sweet.
Fibroadenoma! I choked Geoffrey.
Yep, he asked me to choke him, so I did it.
My ex-boyfriend loved being choked.
Why would you bring that up? Seems like quite a big risk, doesn't it, to ask someone to choke you? Like, you have to really believe that they're gonna want to choke you.
And I just don't know what he saw in me that makes him think that I think it's fun to hurt people that he didn't see four years ago.
Maybe all the time you spent hurting people for fun.
I didn't want to do it.
I just did it to be polite.
Weird to hurt someone as a favour.
That's a very specific feeling that I've never felt before.
You sound so exhilarated.
I think you liked it.
(JOSH) Yeah, it was just so exhilarating.
Hi, Ma! - I gotta go now, okay? I'm at Mum's.
- No! No, no.
Wait, I didn't get to tell you about the hot doctor.
Hi, Ma! Ma, it's me.
Ma? Ma? Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
No.
No.
Nope.
(PHONE RINGS) (ELLA) You see, he was very hot, and he had to touch my boobies.
- And Tom is worried that I - I need to talk to Tom.
- Why? - Just give me Tom.
What's uuuup? Uh, Mum's dead.
Yep, I'm sitting with her now and she's dead.
No.
Nah.
This is a joke.
This this better not be a joke.
No.
No, no, it's not a joke.
Oh, shit.
I don't know what to do now.
Uh, have you called an ambulance? No, I don't need to.
She's, like, she's cold.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Um, okay, you need to call your dad.
I don't want to.
Yeah, I just don't want to call my dad.
That's just not what I want.
I'm so sorry.
I just don't know what to do now.
Um, someone needs to come get her.
I don't I don't want someone to come and get her.
That's just not that's just not what I want today.
Okay, I-I can call for you, if you want.
I know that's not what you mean when you say you don't want to, but I can organise it.
'Bye.
(PHONE RINGS) - (ALAN) Hi, Josh.
- Dad? - Do you want rice? - No rice.
Black beans? Um, do black beans have carbs, Josh? - I don't know.
- Uh No.
No thanks, just to be safe.
I'm trying not to eat carbs.
(CHUCKLES) - All salads? - Yeah, I'll have all the salads.
- Jalapenos? - Yes, to jalapenos.
Guacamole? It's $2 extra.
Uh, yeah.
Gee, with the price of avocados lately, Josh, two bucks for guacamole is really a pretty good deal.
And I'll have the spicy sauce.
Are you sure? It's pretty spicy.
No, no.
I love it spicy, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Dad, Dad I have something to tell you.
H-h-hang on.
Hang on, hang on.
- Is tap all right? - Yeah, yeah.
What is it, Josh? Dad, Mum killed herself.
I found her in her room.
She's dead.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
No, no.
I'll I'll clean it up.
- I'll get the mop, sir.
- No, it's okay.
I'll clean it up.
- Dad? - Um Dad? When was the last time you saw your mum? Uh, like, three days ago.
Sorry.
The timber has shrunk a bit.
I'll get there.
Thanks very much.
(SIGHS) I guess we better lock up and get out of here.
Yeah.
We should probably clear out the fridge.
I don't think you need to clear out the fridge.
I don't want things to go off.
You want that milk? There's still a few days left.
Smoked salmon.
No point wasting that.
- Dad, it's just - What's in there? Dad, I just, I really need you to stop clearing out the fridge.
Dad, just stop clearing out the fridge.
Thank you.
(SOBS) (BOTH WEEP) (MAE) If you need anything at all, you call me, okay? Anything.
Even if it's small.
If you need me to bring you dinner, you call me and I get it.
If you need a lift, you call me, yeah? You give me your laundry, okay? And if I hear that you did anything for yourself, I will be very angry, Josh.
- Oh, um, Josh - What? Forgot what I was gonna say.
Okay, um, we should get food.
Okay, are you hungry? - Hungry, Alan? - No.
Well, maybe some fish and chips.
Okay, okay.
Um, are you hungry, Josh? No.
Well, I'm pretty annoyed that Tom's more into the fish and chips than the lasagne I made.
What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not hungry.
No, no, no.
Not you.
You can do whatever you want today.
It's not Tom will give you a hand job, if you like.
Nah, nah.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Josh, I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have left.
Uh, what Oh, no, Hannah.
I just didn't know.
I didn't listen to her, Josh.
I just - (HANNAH) You know, how did I assume - Don't, Hannah.
(HANNAH) that she was just being mean for the fun of it? It's like I forgot she was mental.
I just left.
- Fuck! - (JOSH) Yeah.
Um, hey, you know this isn't your fault, yeah? (HANNAH) I don't know what to do.
- Yeah.
You know, uh - I just can't handle the guilt.
I don't want to go back to the hospital.
(HANNAH TEARFULLY) I just don't want to.
I'm gonna have to, aren't I? (HANNAH SOBS) Hello? Hannah, I just I gotta go to bed.
Oh, fuck.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry, Josh.
Goodbye.
I'm sorry.
(SNIFFS) I just I think I'm gonna need you to call Arnold.
- I can do that.
- Thank you.
(PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) He's not answering.
I'm a bit worried it's going to go to voice-mail.
(ARNOLD) Please leave a message and I will call you back.
- Should I leave a message? - (BEEP!) No.
Maybe tell me about your day.
Uh, okay.
While Ella was in the room being examined by the really hot doctor, uh, I read an article about how if you are a blind person allergic to dogs you can get a miniature guide horse.
- Miniature guide horse? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I read, that if you are a blind person you can get a miniature prostitute to guide you around.
That sounds expensive.
All right, guys, it's "miniature sex workers" now.
(BOTH LAUGH) I want you to know, we actually already had that conversation today, but we did again so that you could hear the funny horse pun.
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
Yep.
I'm so sorry that your mum is still dead.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna go to bed.
- Are you okay to be by yourself? - Yep.
Do you need anything? Tea or wine? Maybe not alcoholic.
- Hot chocolate? - No.
I'm fine, thank you.
- Goodnight.
- Night.
Night.
(SIGHS) That that was just the most difficult thing I've ever done.
It's so awful.
I feel I feel so useless and small.
(SOBS) (BOTH WEEP) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (MAE) There, you see? Ooh.
There we go.
(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) - All right, Grace.
- (GRACE) Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS) (GASPS) I know I'm the worst friend! I said I'd call and I didn't.
I'm a dick! I'm a penis! I'm an actual penis! Um, so this is one of the hardest conversations you're gonna have in your life.
Are you ready? (SNIFFLES) No.
Um (SOBS) Mum killed herself.
(SOBS QUIETLY) Oh.
I can think of literally nothing helpful to say.
Like, there's just nothing in the world.
(SOBS) So, yes, thank you for acknowledging that.
Everyone keeps trying to make it better, but it just can't, it cannot be made better.
(CLAIRE) No, this is just one of those things that's gonna be really shit for a while.
And then one day it's just gonna feel less shit.
(SOFTLY) Yeah.
Uh, sometimes when I think of her, the last few conversations that we've had, they just they seem like she was trying to say goodbye.
(SOBS) - (WEEPS) - Fuck.
I have to go.
(SNIFFLES) (CRIES SOFTLY) (SOBS LOUDLY) (CONTINUES SOBBING LOUDLY)