Plebs (2013) s04e05 Episode Script

1 "Roses are red, violets are blue, hitch up your tunic, I'm gonna bone you.
" Funny, right? - Yeah, that is excellent.
- It's clever funny, in't it? I'll give it to my date tonight.
A guy in the Forum sells 'em for five Denari.
Five Denari for a rapey poem? It's not rapey, it's cheeky.
This is what Lupercalia's all about.
Well, no.
Lupercalia is about cynical shysters flogging tat to idiots -- or restaurants hiking up their prices with hateful love-themed menus.
- Like what you're doing? - Correct.
And anyone stupid enough to go out on Lupercalia deserves everything they get.
Methinks the real reason that you hate Lupercalia is that you're a sad wanker who can't get a date.
I can get a date, mate.
I just didn't, on purpose.
- Who's the lucky lady, then? - Her name's Tabitha and according to her profile, she likes music, travel and men with beards.
- Did you meet her through an agency? - Big time.
And she is gorge.
- Check out the picture.
- OK.
Well, yeah, the picture's hot but she might be not.
What? How would that work, you moron? No-one actually looks like their profile pics, mate.
She's probably some dog-faced swamp monster.
No, she's hot.
She'll be hot.
She has to be.
Please be hot.
- Do us that poem again.
- Yeah, sure.
- "Roses are red" - Ha-ha! I'm laughing already.
Yeah! When in Rome Do as the Romans do Far from home All I got is you Lupercalia set menu.
Two-course, saucy supper, 60 Denari per couple.
Passionate pudding, eight Denari.
Ooh, that sounds good.
What's that? A normal pudding but twice the price.
I bloody love this festival.
We are gonna be heaving with hotties.
Yeah, and their boyfriends.
- This thing is for couples.
- Yeah, sure, at first.
What? What does that mean? Mate, Lupercalia is like a graveyard for relationships.
The pressure for romance is way too intense.
- Especially at these prices.
- By the end of the night, there's all these teary, newly-single women looking to do something stupid.
- Or someone stupid.
- Exactly.
It's literally never not worked.
- Trust me, you should try it.
- Yeah.
I think that might be too cynical even for me.
- Oh, what you doing back there? - Ah, nothing.
Gloria's been on my case about dealing with a damp patch, - in our party wall, so - You're hiding from her.
This is how I deal with most of my problems.
Marcus? Gloria.
Hey! - Didn't see you there.
- Pleased I caught you.
- What you up to later on? - I er don't know.
Why do you ask? Wondered if you fancied meeting for dinner? Oh! Sure, yeah.
Sounds great.
Of course it's not a date.
She asked you to dinner on Lupercalia! She said meeting for dinner.
It's probably just a meeting because she wants me to sort out her damp patch.
- Yeah, damn right, she does.
- No, obviously not that one.
The boring one in the wall which she'll try and make me pay for.
There's always been this sexy, tense vibe between you and Gloria.
Grumio, isn't that right? He gets tense round all women, to be honest.
He is right.
That hardly singles her out.
- Ask her if it's a date.
- What? I'm not just gonna ask her.
I'll look like a clueless twat and damage my negotiating position if the answer turns out to be no.
You'll have to look for clues.
Like, how much flesh is on show? Is she getting lashed? If she invites you back to hers.
You just need to, like, vibe it out, man, all right? Mm.
OK.
You'll have to cover for me here, then.
Fine by me.
More sad stunners for the rebound king.
Hang on, not fine by me.
Why should he get the night off? Cos he's got a hot date.
It might just be a hot meeting.
Grumio, get asked out by anyone or anything, and you can have - the night off.
- Sweet, I'll ask myself out.
No, that doesn't count.
Grumio, would you like to come for dinner tonight? Why, yes, Grumio, I'd love to.
I thought you'd never ask.
Great idea, Grumio.
Maybe you'll invite yourself back for a nightcap - and try and get lucky.
- I will, actually.
And I know for a fact I'll succeed.
Roses! Lupercalia roses! Rose for the lady, si Oh! It's you.
Happy Lupercalia, beaky.
Yes, hello, landlady.
Cashing in on the festivities, I see.
Always.
You out tonight, are you? Oh, I'd figured you would spend Lupercalia at home, wanking and crying.
Well, the night is young but I'm actually meeting someone first.
Oh, well, then, you've gotta take her a rose.
- It's the done thing.
- No, I know.
But I'm not sure if it's a date or not? She owns the laundry next door and we've got some damp to sort out.
And she invited me for dinner and didn't mention it.
So I don't really know where I stand, rose-wise.
What do you reckon, as a sort of woman? I see.
I think it is a date and you should take her a rose.
Yeah, but you would say that, wouldn't you, cos you're selling roses? So, tell you what, I'll pay for one anyway, so you can be honest.
Right, now I'm thinking that it isn't a date and you shouldn't take her a rose.
Hm, you see, again I think you would say that because you get to keep the rose and the money.
So, tell you what, I'll take it anyway, just to be safe.
Well, whatever it is, you're sure to fuck it up.
Mind those thorns now! Roses! Yes.
- Hello? - Good evening.
Table for one, please.
A-ha.
You're having your date here? Well, I liked the look of the menu and that I can stick it on my tab.
But you know it's a couples' menu.
- You get two of everything.
- Perfect! I'll be eating for two, then.
Give me two starters and two sharing plates.
Two?! You'll be eating for four.
It's date night, innit.
I wanna spoil myself rotten.
Hello? Yes, hi, do come in.
Oh, hi! Sorry, yes, table for two, please.
No, Theo, this won't do.
It's a bit dead, isn't it? Sorry.
Yes, of course.
- Erm Shall we toddle on? - What? No, it's not dead.
We're just getting going.
No, no, don't toddle on, toddle in.
You can have any table, even the one he's sat on.
What? Piss off! I'll look after you, I promise.
Any twists or turns this evening may take, I'll be right here for you, waiting, as your waiter.
- Oh! Go on, then.
- Thank you.
- Here you are.
- And I'm in.
I was hoping for more options but I can work with this.
Keep up my Lupercalia strike rate.
Yeah, I'm not interested in my waiter's personal life, OK? I came here for some quality time with myself.
Now fetch my starters, please, lad.
Quick smart.
Evening! Happy Lupercalia! Yes, you too! Gloria, hi! Ooh! We're doing that, are we? - I was gonna go in for a kiss.
- Were you? - Oh, fine, let's do that too.
- OK.
Ooh! Sorry I'm late.
Took me ages to find something to wear.
Well, you made the right choice.
- You look lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
I didn't really choose it, to be fair.
Most of my clothes have gone mouldy because of that damp.
This is the only thing that survived.
Right, yes, of course, the damp.
Which we really do need to talk about.
Absolutely, it's my top priority.
Yeah, let's get a drink first.
That's my priority.
I'm absolutely gagging for some wine.
- You're drinking, right? - Um I am if you are.
Good man.
Might as well get a bottle, then.
Ooh, and maybe some oysters.
Come on, you fuckers, argue! Waiter! All right, Grumio? Date going well? Well, the company's top-drawer but the service is a bit of a let down.
I'm still waiting on my second sharing plate.
- OK.
- Excuse me.
Oh, hello.
How can I help? Which way's the toilet? There's no signs in here.
Yeah, there's no need.
You just follow the yellowy stain.
- Look! - Waiter! - I am waiting.
- Just a sec! So, you two been together long or Oh, yes.
12 years.
12 years, whoa! Well, that is long.
Too long in a way.
- Sorry, how do you mean? - The spark's probably gone.
- I wouldn't say that.
- Yeah, I know.
You're stuck in a rut of crap sex, arguing about money, wondering where it's all going.
Hey, cloth ears! Fetch me my grub now! Get it yourself, you lazy prick! It's fine.
He's not a proper customer.
Sorry, yes, of course.
You were saying your relationship's dead in the water? I was thinking of doing something quite bold.
Exactly.
Get out whilst you can.
And asking her to marry me.
You sure you wanna do that? A hundred per cent.
In fact, sorry, you couldn't do me a favour, chum, and conceal this in the dessert? I'd really love it to be a surprise, you see.
Yeah, no, I'll be happy to.
Ah, what a lovely gesture.
And you can forget about a tip, you lazy dickhead.
Now, blood is a fucker.
If you don't get it early enough, that ain't never coming out.
If someone comes in with a bloody tunic, I usually suggest they try and bleed over the whole thing just to even it out.
Now, semen stains, much easier, of course.
You can just scrape it off once it's dry, I imagine.
Was that your adolescence, staining and scraping? Interspersed with the odd Greek lesson, yeah.
I bet the girls were beating your door down.
Er My mum was beating my door down.
- The girls were elsewhere.
- Well, more fool them.
- The menu for you, madam.
- Thank you.
- For you, sir.
- Thanks.
- I'll leave that with you.
- Cheers.
It's a Lupercalia menu.
Oh, shit, I completely forgot that was today.
No wonder this place is full of couples.
Ha! Oooh.
- You all right? - Yeah.
What you doing down there? - Aargh! Fuck! - Ooh! - What's happening? - Oh! I think something just stabbed me in my organ.
Stabbed? What stabbed you? I think it must be a splinter from the chair.
Cor, it really stings.
Ah, shit, I hope it's still functional.
Look, these shitbags have hiked up the prices for Lupercalia anyway.
Why don't we just go back to my place? I'll rustle us something up.
You can sort out your organ.
- Back to your place? - Mm, yeah.
OK, great.
One passionate pudding, two spoons.
Thank you.
Thanks so much.
Hm.
No! I don't like it.
Oh, sorry.
Well, do push on if you can, babe, cos I don't like it, Theo, I just said.
- It's rank.
- Sure, no, absolutely.
Sorry.
I I tell you what.
Why don't I dig in, see what's in there.
Mm.
Sorry! Sorry! Is this definitely the right passionate pudding, waiter? - Yeah, should be.
- Try and swap it for cheese.
- Er - Theo! Sorry.
One sec, babe.
I just I thought it had a special ingredient in it.
A very expensive ingredient.
Yeah, I know.
I put it in myself and then I Oh, I love you too, Grumio.
Ah-ooh, ah-ooh! Don't tease me now.
Ohhh! Mmmm! You greedy bastard, Grumio! You were the one who told me to get me own food.
That must've been some budget bling cos it slid straight down.
Didn't even touch the sides.
That ring belonged to my late grandmother! Theo! What are you doing? - I'm sitting here like a lemon! - One sec, babe.
Just talking through cheese options.
Oh, shitters! Right.
I need to get that ring back, buster! All right, chill! Lucky for you your ring's inside one of the fastest digestive systems in Rome.
It's true.
His gut is an absolute shit storm.
OK, so what's the plan? Grab them prunes and that colander and meet me in the bogs.
Hey, I'll keep her occupied.
Don't you worry.
This can still be a great Lupercalia, for everyone.
Thank you.
Sorry, that's jolly decent of you.
Toilet's down the hall.
Do you want me to give you a hand? Er I can handle it.
Aargh! Aargh! - You little prick.
- What? Oh, hello.
Who are you? I'm Barney.
Gloria's son.
- Who are you? - Son? OK, erm Well, I'm Marcus.
Gloria's Actually I'm not entirely sure who I am in relation to your mum.
She hasn't said anything, has she, about what she's doing? She said she was out for dinner.
Uh-huh, OK.
I knew that.
And does she do that a lot? - Have dinners with men? - Are you calling my mum a slag? No, I'm not calling her anything.
I'm just asking if she's What? She's giving off a lot of mixed signals.
I thought if you knew whether it was a date or - It isn't.
- Mm-hm, OK.
- Why do you say that? - You're not her type.
She likes big tough guys, not weedy pussies.
I am not a weedy pussy, thank you very much.
- I'll tell her you don't know if it's a date.
- Please don't.
- And you were playing with your dick.
- I wasn't.
I was extricating my dick from a rose thorn.
- Ha! That's even better.
- What? No.
- You will not tell your mum.
- Oh, yeah? Or what? What you gonna do about it? Whine at me? No, I'll With your weedy, whiney voice? I'll rip your tongue out and shove it up your arse! - What? - That's right.
I'll make you lick your own bum, you dirty little boy.
Not so tough now, are ya? It just won't do.
I mean, what is he even doing in there? Dunno.
I think he's got some business with the little guy from the other table.
It's lucky I'm here, though, to fill in.
Oh, this is so typical of Theo.
Oh! Completely.
Men! Expecting me to just wait around while he parks the chariot or goes to work.
All my friends are married by now.
But no, not me.
Yet another Lupercalia where I go home without a ring.
- I mean, it's not on, is it? - It's criminal is what it is.
A gorgeous girl like you.
If he's not serious about you, you should just cut him loose.
I mean, I always knew it was gonna be rocky for us.
I'm an Aries, Theo's a Capricorn.
I didn't expect him to just take some small man to the toilets.
- What, sorry? You're an Aries? - I'm a classic Aries.
- Why? - Because I'm an Aries.
Just today I was thinking, I never meet any other Arieses.
Wow! Finally.
Prune.
I mean, do I actually have to be here holding this? You do, yeah.
I like having a target.
Sorry.
Right, of course.
I'll be honest, this isn't really the kind of Lupercalia - I had in mind.
- You're telling me! I'm meant to be on a date night.
I should've proposed to her years ago but I dithered.
I wanted to wait until I could afford an apartment but Oh, Jove.
Holy Jove! - I've buggered it all up! - Oh, shut it, will ya! You're making me tense.
I need to be loose.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just don't think I can live without her.
Better get this ring out me guts, hadn't we? Yes, please, thank you.
Sorry.
You really are being an absolute star about all this.
I am, yeah.
Maybe give me back a rub and see if it helps along a bit.
Yes, of course.
Sorry.
Hm.
And pop in another prune.
He's a sweet boy.
Well, he can be.
Given all the aggro over the last few years between me and his dickhead father.
Well, I'd love to meet him one day.
Er Barney, not his dickhead father.
I think you'd get on well, you and Barney.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure we would.
- I love kids.
- Well, yeah.
I guess you were one quite recently.
Look, sorry to be blunt, but do you mind if we take this into the bedroom? The er Yeah! Yeah, well, why not? - Ssh! Barney's sleeping.
- OK.
Here, look! It's the damp patch.
Ah! Yes.
Of course.
- Can you feel it? - I er - Yes.
- Isn't it soft and warm? Hm.
Yep.
It's opened up gaps in the masonry.
You can actually fit a finger inside it.
It's just so wet, isn't it? Yes, it's really wet.
Barney? Barney's gone! Barney! - Marcus, come here quickly! - Yeah.
Yeah, just one minute! Barney? Barney! This is crazy! What are we doing? We're just following our stars.
It's written that me and you meet and have sex in the cellar.
I can't.
Not without breaking up with Theo first.
I'm too moral.
I really can't cheat on him.
Yeah, you can.
It's easy.
You can't dump the guy on Lupercalia.
- That's well harsh.
- Yeah, you're right.
We'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
Ah, no, OK, you were right before.
You should dump him now.
- Barney! Barney! - Barney! Barnabus! Ah, I mean, why would he just run off like that? He's having a tough time at school recently.
I can't afford to get him the latest sandals or the right abacus, so he's been targeted by bullies.
Honestly, the things they say -- just atrocious.
Really violent, graphic threats.
Oh, dear, that's I hate that! If it's true, of course.
He might be making it up.
That does happen.
It's made him wet the bed again.
He's not making that up.
I've had more than one damp patch to deal with recently.
Yeah, look, about that -- the wall, I'll pay for it.
You've clearly got enough on your plate as it is so Oh, thank you, Marcus.
That is so sweet of you.
Roses! Fancy a rose, do you? Oh! It's you again, beaky.
You want another rose or is it time you started wanking and crying? Well, I've no idea what that's about.
- Weird woman.
- Come on.
I think I know where he is.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is the gents.
- You shouldn't be in here.
- Oh, by Jove! Theo! Babe, wait.
Sorry, I can explain.
It's too late.
It's over.
I've put up with this shit for 12 years and then you just abandon me on Lupercalia, in some skanky bar? - All right, it's not that bad.
- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
To play some sicko sex game with this tiny diner? You what? Sex game? What kind of sex game would this be? I don't know.
I don't want to know.
Babe, no, it's nothing like that.
He swallowed a ring I put in the pudding to propose to you with.
- We're trying to coax it out.
- Oh, come on! That's a bit far-fetched, innit? What? You know that's what's happening.
He's desperate.
He'll say anything to string you along.
I know.
Capricorn scum.
Oh, for Jove's sake! Ohh! Pick that one out.
It's in here.
Look! The ring, it's in here.
- What? No, is it? - I think my ring's in there an' all.
Will you two please sort this out? You're perfect for each other.
You're all like, "This won't do, Theo.
" And you're like, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
" Yeah, I suppose we are a bit.
Flora Antonia Modius Not exactly how I planned to do this but - Will you marry me? - Yes! - I will! - What? Oh! - I'd give it a rinse first.
- Yes.
Good idea.
Sorry.
Sorry if the evening hasn't gone as expected, Marcus.
No, really, I wasn't quite sure what to expect, to be honest.
So, is this a friend's house or No, it's his dad's.
Been avoiding him recently.
We keep arguing about how to deal with Barney's bullies.
Right, well, diplomacy is always the best policy, I think.
Me too! Unfortunately, he would prefer to beat the shite out of 'em.
Down, Pluto! In your bed now! - Down, boy! - Yeah, maybe I should go.
I wondered when you'd show up.
Hello, Cyrus.
- Is Barney here? - Might be.
- Who's this pecker? - Barney! Come here, please! This your new boyfriend, is it? Been on a little date together, have you? It's actually none of your business.
Well, no, really, it's fine.
You can tell him.
- Maybe you should tell him.
- That's him, Dad.
He said he'd rip out my tongue and lick my arse.
- What? What the fuck? - Is that what you said? No, no.
I said he'd lick his own arse after I shoved his tongue up I wasn't threatening to lick his Thanks for a lovely evening.
Oh, no, you don't! Aargh! Right, so hang on.
Was it a date or not? I don't know.
Never found out.
Either way, Lupercalia succeeded in taking a shitload of cash off me.
How was your night, then, Grumio? There were a rocky patch earlier but I can win myself round.
Oh, lovely.
At least one of us might get some action tonight.
Hey! I'm not giving up that easy.
Lupercalia ain't over yet! Ah, here he is! How was Tabitha, then? - Not quite what I hoped.
- See, I told you.
The picture wasn't accurate, right? Oh, no, it was about 40 years ago.
You'll see her in a sec.
She's just struggling with the stairs.
We had a bit of a row, actually.
Oh, dear, what happened? It was over that bloody poem.
She found it offensive.
I find that offensive.
That poem were quality.
I wouldn't worry about Tabitha.
I think her night's looking up.
Hey, Tabitha! How you doin', baby? Happy Lupercalia!