Portlandia (2011) s04e05 Episode Script

I think once you get the clock going here.
Fred should we go inside? I feel like I just felt the teeniest drop of rain.
Oh ok, well just get the box there.
[Bone breaks.]
Ow! Ow! [Dramatic music.]
Wha-- wha-- wha-- what happen? - Don't move.
- I don't know, I'm not ok.
It's my ankle, this feels pretty bad.
I love you.
I think we should probably go to the hospital.
Can, can, can you drive? No I can't drive this is my driving foot.
Do you want me to call your mom? My mom lives in Seattle.
It's really hurting, Peter please.
I need, I'm going to need you to drive.
Ok.
[Turn signal.]
Am I ok? Peter please go.
Some bicycle is coming hold on.
- Peter go.
- Ok.
- Peter go, Peter.
- I am I am! Oh this car wants to go through.
I need to turn back.
Oh my God, please.
I'm letting him through.
Peter I need you to man up right now.
I am I am! Wait let me look at the GPS.
Put your phone down and drive the car.
Left, right, right Put your phone down and drive, this is an emergency.
Ok, there is a pedestrian there.
Peter please go.
What's the speed limit here? You're going zero right now! We're going slower than a bicycle.
I don't want to be a lead foot, have you ever heard that insult? Stop the car.
[Car door open alarm.]
I'm limping faster than you're driving.
- Nance! - I will meet you at the hospital.
[Turn signal.]
Don't look at me right now, look at the road.
It's green please go, Peter, it's a green light, Peter - make the turn, make the turn.
- [Mumble.]
Make the God damn turn! I have to wait, it's red again.
Peter just make a right on red.
- You can do that? - Peter please.
- I'm peeking out, peeking out, - Stop peeking out - that's not a term.
- Peeking out - peeking out, peeking out - That's not a term.
- Peeking out - Please Peter, go! Peter turn, turn this car.
[Horns honking.]
Why is everyone beeping, that guy just made a face at me.
[Car horn.]
I'm sorry.
Please, please go.
My ankle hurts so bad and you're driving - like a fucking pussy.
- Huh.
I love you and you're hurting me right now.
Oh look at these people.
[Crowd yelling.]
Peter it's a critical mass we can't go through.
They're just protesting cars.
Turn around.
Man in crowd: Bicycle rights! We're not going anywhere.
Get out of the car and tell them we have an emergency and we need to get through.
[Crowd yelling.]
My my my I'm calling 9-1-1.
- I'm just saying, my wife - [Stuttering.]
and she hurt her ankle and I'm just trying to go - two streets down.
I'm just probably - Okay.
Thank God.
- You're taking too long.
- What? I'm going to the hospital, see you there.
Can I go in the ambulance? [Sirens/crowd yelling.]
[Music.]
Oh my God you're already done? Yeah.
I couldn't make any left turns, so I took rights all the way here.
Ok, let's go home hun.
Get in the passenger seat I'm driving.
I love you.
[Car engine.]
Whoa! [Theme music.]
[Music.]
Hey brother.
It's insane out there man.
- Ah, tough ride, huh? - Yeah, they're doing construction on the MLK right now, I mean there are idiots out there on the road and these drivers are morons.
I mean I banged on this one guy's hood I was just like - Ah good for you brother.
- Hell yeah.
- Who do you think I am? - Hold you ground man.
You want to ride past and smile? "Hi".
Hey dude, t-shirt business is good right now.
Printers are printing as fast as they can, the thing is we got to get orders out.
What's up? - Orders are getting bigger.
- Yes.
But unfortunately that means that they are taking longer.
Were you planning on talking to me about something? Yeah, I did have kind of a plan to talk to you, yeah.
The bike is not cutting it.
Ok, you want to get me a new bike, is that what it is? I want you, to get a car.
[Music.]
We need to get orders out, huh? Yeah, you know I should get a boat too, maybe a couple motorcycles - you know a helicopter.
- I need you - to get a car.
- How much are they - $70,000 what is it? - No I think they are probably a little less than $70,000.
- What are you doing to me? - Do you really think - I want to hire Wayne? - Are you trying to fire me? Do you think I want that guy working here full time? Wayne is probably one of the dumbest guys.
That's not a brain in that skull.
So the fact that I'm even thinking about hiring him, full time, that should tell you that we are pretty serious about moving forward with this.
If you just get a car.
You're serious, huh? What did I just get done saying? You said Wayne is an idiot, one of the dumbest guys you've ever met.
- You know - I could use a raise though, I mean look.
- Yeah.
- Me, yeah.
me and Iris have been talking about it.
[Sips water.]
That was great water by the way, you got a good batch.
Pump up production.
- I'll think about it.
- Yeah, and then get a car.
[Dramatic music.]
- Iris.
- Huh.
If I got a car would you still love me in the same way? [Music.]
- It's fine dude.
- Alright.
It means I got to like buy a car, how do, what do people do? It's probably better if you just go with a friend.
Just go with someone that knows about cars.
[Bell.]
Yea I can help you find a car.
No problem, alright later bro.
Spyke wants me to help him find a car.
[Laughter.]
Spyke with a car, ha ha.
Shit, you guys are cool.
[Music.]
And this guy is a politician [Laughter.]
Excuse me, I'm going to go hit the bathroom.
That's great.
Oh we should probably get going too so - Yeah.
- Wine.
Thank you guys so much for everything here.
You know there is a saying about wine.
[Music.]
That the Italians have, see when I die, drink wine.
If I come back to life, drink more wine.
- That's great.
- I love that.
Again thank you guys so much for having us Wine is sort of the road sign to travel, it's a sort of passport to another world.
That's very true hun.
And we are all the damn same.
You know - Again thank - I'll tell you a story a buddy of mine and myself traveled through Nepal - you know the story.
- It's a great story.
- We're going to - Check into the motel, a couple beds in there, I mean by beds I mean springs with some cloth over them.
Um, you know tap them on the shoulder.
I said what the hell do you want I'm trying to - take a damn nap.
[Whispering.]
- We need to go, I can not listen to this any longer.
Second tap on the shoulder I said, I want to take a nap.
- [Laughter.]
- That's great, good friends.
- Yeah.
- We really want to thank you this has been such good food, such good times, good friends, - good wine - Third tap on the shoulder - Oh.
- I turn around.
I see Richard - is over there.
- Oh.
Open my eyes, there's a monitor lizard.
I'm, I'm-- from - the movies.
- Wow.
The thing bites into me, he sees this, runs through in between beds.
He punches this lizard.
Eggs come out.
Have you heard anything like this before? I don't exaggerate when I say about twenty little lizards come - out and we gave them all names.
- Unbelievable.
- Named them after The Beach Boys.
- You know what, speaking of traveling.
We gotta travel back home so.
Gotta get to the - sitters.
- And, uh, we get to the airport.
- Ok.
- And all the signs and we can't read a damn thing, you know.
We didn't bother to learn the language or how to sell things.
And Richard kind of goes, hey I gotta you know use the bathroom.
And we're looking around trying to find a telephone.
You know like a phone booth.
And I don't know the word for telephone.
So I'm doing this [Stabbing sounds.]
[Dark music.]
Well we're free.
[Joyous music.]
Hey, what's going on? What'd I miss? Twas a funny thing, Robert were telling a [Stabbing sound.]
Hey Renee! Let's go.
[Music.]
Hey what's up.
Welcome to Pet - Haven, I'm Jaime.
- And I'm Trish.
Well look who's up for adoption again at Portland Pet Haven.
- Rascal.
- Rascal's previous owners Rascal we're just trying to get rid of the dog at this point.
This dog shouldn't be here, it should - be there.
- In your home.
Just let him be with you.
He's really smart, super smart dog.
I mean he was able to find a baby's crib.
Way upstairs.
[Music.]
[Music.]
- [Clapping, cheering.]
- Thank you.
- [Indistinct background talking.]
- Hey you guys on tour? Yeah.
We're doing a little run up the West Coast.
What's your guitar is that a Vox? Yeah, that's a Vox Cheetah.
It's from the '60s.
- Is that a Fender Wah? - Yeah, this is yeah.
Yeah, I had one of those.
Is that an Ibanez distortion? - Yeah, it's like an octave distortion.
- Let me see it.
You should get an external power for it.
Cuz the battery what it - does is it drains out the actual - I actually like the - sound of the pedal - You do? - Yeah, I mean - What's that amp, what is that? - Actually that's a local company.
- Yeah, I know David who makes them.
He's one of the best cabinet makers in this state.
- Yeah, it's also kind of cute.
Like I like - It sounds like - a tube amp.
Well it is, I mean it is a tube amp.
- Well it's warm.
[Intense music.]
- Yeah.
- What's this? The back stage? - Hey.
- Is that your drummer? - Uh, yup.
That's my drummer.
- What's that some pretzels? - Yeah.
- What's that some M&M's? - Yeah.
- I've done those before.
What's that your shoes? - Yes.
I can't remember if you wore them on stage or not.
Did you? - I did.
- What's that your jacket? What are you folding it over your back? What is that the doorway? What is this? Outside! What's that a bus? [Music.]
What's that? Your arm in the center of the steering wheel? [Steering wheel horn.]
Wow that is a real horn.
What's that? [Truck horn.]
Wow.
I like the sound of that.
Sort of an outdoor thing going.
[Truck horn.]
[Steering wheel horn.]
Like this.
[Truck horn.]
What's that? [Light horn beep.]
Oh that's cute, more of a beeping.
[Steering wheel horn.]
[Cell phone rings.]
[Truck horn.]
I think your phone is ringing too.
It's got a little [Truck horn.]
[Music.]
[Steering wheel horn.]
[Little horn beep.]
What's that your gas pedal? [Engine revs.]
[Cars avoiding accident.]
[Tires squealing.]
What's that? [Music.]
- Lance thanks for helping me out.
- Sure man.
I appreciate it, you know I don't know anything about cars at all.
- Well I know a lot about cars.
- So you know about engines - and stuff? - I know everything about - engines.
- Hey, how can I help you guys? - My amigo here is looking for his first car.
- Big day.
Look I'm usually on a bike, ok.
I don't want a car.
I hate cars.
But I need it for work.
[Twinkle sound.]
I got you pegged.
Come with me.
You know most cars try hard to give off that I don't care about cars vibe.
But this car means it.
If you're going to commit a crime this is a great car to do it in, cuz how would you - describe it? - What's under the hood? I would assume an engine, but nobody has actually ever opened this.
I don't need a lot of flash, but that's got nothing.
Next! Woaaaa! So that's sort of the vibe of this car.
Spring break, flip flops.
This is definitely a pack of dude's kind of car.
- Let's go.
- I don't put my pack with other - guys packs.
You know what I mean? - Do some shots, get a - couple date rapes in.
- Ah, this isn't me.
Next car! Shit.
Woaaaa! This car has a bio-diesel engine.
You can go to any diner and go, hey can I use your old oil and you just pour it in there.
It does constantly smell like French fries, which is good or bad depending on how you wanna sort of take that.
My buddy he's never driven a car before.
I just think this is too complicated of an idea for him.
You know, you ride in the car, right? It's not like a bike.
You're not getting on top of it.
You're inside the thing, huh? I don't know.
So this is a vintage muscle car.
[Kissing car sounds.]
He likes this car.
Yeah, but I'm the one buying.
This is a great car man.
Ever put your hand inside this? - It's hard not too.
- I don't know if it's a good - starter car for me.
- Ho ho ho ho ho.
Look at that.
You kind of have to be a mechanic to drive this car.
- I'm a bike mechanic.
- She's not a bike.
Alright.
[Rock music.]
Classic art car, you know.
This is like the face tattoo of cars.
Now I don't want anything I drive to be a statement.
I just want a simple car.
[Word car echoes.]
Why didn't you say that? I have the perfect car for you.
[Disco music.]
Here it is.
You know this car is - the default setting.
- It's like it was designed while someone - was sleeping or something.
- And then one guy was like we should put some wipers on the headlights.
That guy got fired.
- How much is it? - Some boring number.
[Angelic music.]
Sounds like a sweet deal.
- I'll take it.
- Yeah.
[Jungle music.]
There it is.
[Angelic music.]
Congratulations buddy.
I'm a home owner! [Upbeat music.]
- Garage sale! - Garage sale! Gonna make some money today.
[Picture taken.]
- Woaaa! - Then we'll go to the bank afterwards.
[Picture taken.]
Good morning.
[Upbeat music.]
Hi.
Hi, how are you? If you have any questions about anything just - feel free to ask.
- Sure, yeah.
[Upbeat music.]
I think we should wait just a little, a little while longer.
[Haunting music.]
- Just pack it up? - Yeah, let's just.
Let's just - go to goodwill.
- No one wants a scream mask? [Upbeat music.]
Oh, Fred.
- Oh Mr.
Mayor, hi.
- Carrie hi.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Thanks for coming.
Oh, I thought I was going to miss it.
Sit down, sit down.
- Relax.
- Alright, alright.
- Oh, haha.
I can't believe this is still here.
- Yeah, we were - surprised too.
- Wow.
Everywhere I look I'm - seeing things that I want.
- You're not doing this because - you feel sorry for us, right? - No, I love this stuff.
What is this? Oh my gosh.
I can't believe this is still here.
- Yeah, still works.
- How much for this? - Twenty.
- I'll give you twenty cents for this.
The thing is it doesn't have the cord or anything.
These are unbelievable and there's no disc inside.
- But it opens.
- I mean technology doesn't you - know, but it still works.
- There's nothing obsolete about - a CD.
- You take something like this you could just and just strap it on.
And you can run.
You know - like that.
- It only skips like every ten - seconds or so if you're running.
- Wait I haven't seen these guys for so long.
[Playful music.]
That's fifteen and fifteen so thirty dollars all together.
I'll give you three cents and he's a little used so maybe - two cents.
- Two cents? - Fine.
- Is this, are you guys, still - campaigning? - That's twenty dollars.
No, why don't I put the decimal point here and it could - be twenty cents? - You're taking any number and - you're just turning it into cents.
- Well, it's just you know, I'm haggling.
This is kind of odd, was is it a - left hand or right hand? - They both work.
Does it come with these? No, I'll include that if you want.
I'll take this whole side.
This whole side Yeah.
I'll take everything from there and actually how about around there and then across in front of you and then, how far back can I go? I mean we wanted to just get rid of it anyway.
I'm fine with it honestly.
Sam! [Bell.]
Wow.
I wonder what he is going to do with all of that stuff.
[Music.]
What is this place? - I have no idea.
- Hey Mr.
Mayor.
Wuz up! Hey welcome to Cafe, Y2K.
What? I mean didn't you feel the 2000s went by so fast you really had no idea what they were.
Ah yeah, you're right, we didn't.
Well turns out it was all the stuff in your garage you guys were sitting on a gold mine.
Yeah, that's my Game Cube.
You put something on a little plinth, you know and you put a light on it and people freak out, people love eating around nostalgia.
It just makes you hungry for a past gone by.
So this is all 2000s? Well I had to get an Eric Clapton signed guitar.
It just takes a memorabilia cafe to the next level.
- Right.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Clapton probably just signs guitars specifically for - memorabilia cafes.
- Yeah, $10.
$10? Come, let me take you to your seat.
- How's the food? - It's bad.
[Music.]
[Singing.]
Toby, Toby, you love me I need Ah, Doug.
You left your dishes in the sink.
So what.
If you have breakfast it's so easy just please, put them in the dishwasher, it's just It's a bowl, a spoon and a cup.
It drives me crazy though.
Hi little dude, come here little monkey, hi pooch, oh tobeslarone, muchacho, - poochie, pooch-a-roo.
- You have so many - nicknames for him.
- Yeah.
I'm very affectionate.
Toby, you're the man again man, ha ha.
Your dog voice is super annoying.
To who? Not to Toby.
Because Toby loves me.
Want to look in the mirror, uh oh.
Did you get another Toby tattoo? What do you think? [Indistinct dialog.]
Is this healthy? The way we are.
I feel like we give more love to Toby than we do each other.
Even just physically I'm just so much more comfortable, like touching him.
I mean I would mind if I had that kind of attention.
Ok.
[Squeaking.]
[Dog music.]
- Oh hey, how was work? - Hi.
- How was it? - Oh so, so good to see you.
- Is that? - I guess.
Aw, did you do the dishes? - Yeah.
- What a good boy.
Aw thanks.
What is it? It's a cookie.
Good boy.
Oh mmm, ow.
Easy soft touch.
- You came back, you came back! - Aw who's here, who's here? - Who's here, who is it? - Arrgh.
Wow Claire this is great thank you so much.
[Dog music.]
Doug, come here, come to bed.
Aw, come here.
Oh this is great, it's so comfy like this.
[Siren.]
Do you hear something? Doug, did you invite Tom and Stacey to dinner on Friday? I did.
[Drum roll.]
Why did you do that? Tom and Stacey are so annoying, tom only talks about Bitcoins and Stacey only wants to tell me about her new line of jeans, bad boy.
[Barking.]
[Panting.]
[Turn signal.]
[Music.]
Works, it's a good car.
I could get used to this.
Good alright.
You know what this is good for, when it rains.
Hey come on.
[Music.]
Watch it.
Come on.
I'm in a car.
Car here, watch my car.
[Beep beep.]
Come on, I almost hit you.
Watch out, watch out, watch out bikes, this is my blind spot.
How slow are you going to go? [Beep beep.]
I have the right of way.
That's a lot of bikes.
Get out of my way.
Bikes! How many of you are there? Have a fun game, you're bikes.
Move out of the way! Go go.
Drivers rights! What are you smiling at? Come on! Something has to be done! [Cars honking.]
Driver's rights! We're taking back these streets, this is a cars critical mass.
Move! Where are you guys going to go? Where are you going to go now? Driver's rights [Crowd yelling.]
Listen to that music.
Driver's rights! Driver's rights [Horns.]
Did you ever hear a horn like that before? Driver's rights, we want our own lanes.
Driver's rights! Spyke? What? What are you doing? Driver's rights! That doesn't make any sense.
It does make sense, we want our own lane.
For cars.
The fact that there are road sort of implies that they are for cars.
You don't need a car critical mass.
Yeah, but all of these bikes just weaving in and out traffic and running red lights, you know you guys are doing it.
Spyke, not everything has to be a battle, you know cars Vs.
bikes.
First of all these are your friends.
Hey, you got that hat? What happened I thought you through it out? You picked it out of the garbage, you put the hat back on your head, how did you even find it? You're insane, you're nuts! Spyke, when you're the opposition to everything I feel like you're at opposition to me and you know I'm proud of you and I'm excited for this whole car thing but like you get so excited and amped up about everything that I just feel like you're - against me.
- No I'm not! Can you talk even in a sort of quiet voice? Yeah, I'm sorry.
Let's walk away, let's just get out of this mind set.
[Music.]
How are you? I'm good, had a pretty good drive.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Pedestrians rights! - Ok.
[Music.]
We see The Beach Boys and a, an older gentleman comes up to us I want you to come and do another show.
Sitting in the back of this bar, it's Miles Davis.
Can I help you clean up the plates? We go to the bar at table candle light.
Miles Davis was this, this close.
I mean the trumpet was here.
- Wow - I mean it sounded like angels and devils at the same time.
I mean this guy could play the horn.
[Music ends.]