Preacher (2016) s04e05 Episode Script
Bleak City
1 - I had him.
- So let's make him suffer.
[LAUGHS.]
PILOT: Please keep your seatbelts fastened.
We're running into some minor turbulence.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Vampire coming up.
[GUNSHOT.]
- [GUN COCKS.]
- Where is she? I haven't seen her.
I'm gonna break out of these, - and then I'm gonna kill you.
- Aah! This is between me and you! Not him! JESUS: What do you do now? Whatever the hell I want.
Can I come? [MEN GRUNTING.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[MAN, WOMAN SCREAMING.]
[EUGENE MUMBLES.]
[BIRDS CAWING.]
[CAWING CONTINUES.]
Need to get to the Lost Apostle.
Driver's license and c-c-credit card, please.
The Lost Ap-postle, eh? Amazing place.
Th-Th-This'll just take a jiff.
[MUZAK PLAYS, MOUSE CLICKS.]
Came up with the Bionic Ear here, you know? What? Uh, the, uh, uh, Bionic Ear.
This is where they invented it in Melbourne.
Bit of trivia.
Free of charge.
Ha.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
[COMPUTER BEEPING.]
Problem? S-S-S-S-Sorry, sir.
It, uh, seems we don't have, uh, any cars available.
What about those? Well, uh th-th-they're reserved for M-M-M-M-M-M-Moth Mother's Day.
Whatever it says there on that screen of yours about me wanted murderer, armed and dangerous it's a lie.
I'm not armed, but I do have the power to make people do as I say.
Laugh.
Cry.
Kill.
Anything.
One time, in Texas, I made a cop mace his own balls.
But I don't want to do that here Jaxon.
See, people been gettin' hurt.
I gotta cut back on usin' it.
Problem is, if I don't get to where I need to go, pretty sure the whole world is gonna end, and everyone's gonna die.
So I'll leave that with you.
I'm askin' you to rent me, of your own free will, a rental car.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you.
Jaxon [ECHOING.]
you don't stutter.
Thank you.
[BELL RINGS.]
[SPURS CLICKING.]
[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS.]
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[REARVIEW MIRROR SQUEAKS.]
And in other news, authorities continue an international manhunt for the preacher behind the pervert rampage.
FEMALE NEWS ANNOUNCER: There's still no word on the whereabouts of the missing New Zealand Deputy Prime Minister.
Sources say [GEARS CLICKING.]
[HORN BLARES, TIRES SCREECH.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Eugene.
[MAN SCREAMS.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[GUNS COCK.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GUNS CLICK.]
[ENGINE REVVING, TIRES SCREECH.]
[HORN BLARES.]
Eugene can take care of himself.
If The Saint wanted him dead, he'd be dead, right? Right.
[ENGINE IDLING.]
[HORN BLARES, TIRES SCREECH.]
[ENGINE IDLING.]
[GEAR CLICKS.]
Eugene.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
["I WANT HER TO LOVE ME" PLAYS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
I suppose She'll come my way I want her to love me Until her dying day I want her to Love me I want her to Love me CASSIDY: The bloody ponce was turning 'em into vampires and just killin'.
Also, he could turn himself into a cat, flittin' about in the sky like some kind of sexy pirate.
Dick.
What'd ya do? I turned the rest of his followers, then they ate him.
- Nice.
- Uh-huh.
I mean, Christ, it doesn't compare to fightin' all the Nazis on a bus ride to Hell, but Eh kept me fit.
- Mm.
Right there.
- [LAUGHS.]
What happened to your hair? Hurtful.
Hurtful.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's good to see ya.
And you, Cass.
- Sláinte mhath.
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
Yeah, that.
I feel like Effendi.
Oh, yeah.
Need a shit, shower, shave.
Oh, a-and a phone.
In back room.
Gotta call a, uh, certain lady.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
I feel like [WHISTLES.]
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
Jesus Christ, huh? I know, right? Guy's a bloody handsome devil.
I guess.
[SCOFFS.]
[SETS GLASS DOWN.]
So, speakin' of handsome devils [VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
Did you tell him we slept together? Did you tell him we had sex? I'm not mad.
Just tell me.
Did you? Yeah.
- Nissa, look.
- What? [GROANS.]
Bad news.
The search continues for the man who police say brutally murdered a group of innocent sex tourists here in the Middle East.
The manhunt grows as the Holy Man turned pervert-hating killing machine - was reportedly last spotted in Australia.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Room service.
[DOORS CREAK.]
Good morning, Jesus.
Your breakfast is here.
Oh! Oh, Jesus.
FEATHERSTONE: Due to my negligence, Tulip O'Hare and Cassidy have escaped Masada, as has our political prisoner.
[SCOFFS.]
I've also failed in my duty to track down and locate the Holy Child.
For these reasons [SMOOCHES.]
I'm ready to die.
I'm ready, too.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Mm? Gone? Where? Did you check the leper lab or the pediatric-cancer wing? He loves those sorts of Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Proceed.
Hmm.
Mm.
You have no authority.
Don't you dare.
Or what? You'll get your brains on me? Or I'll get your brains on you.
- [GUN CLICKS.]
- I'll take my chances.
Idiot.
- [TELEPHONE BEEPS.]
- Problem, sir? They can't find Jesus.
Sir, please, I think I've earned the right to be executed by you and you alone.
- [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- [SCOFFS.]
Uh, how can I get anything done when the phone won't stop? You've earned the right to drop dead and get rolled into a tarp, Flufferman.
That's what you've earned.
[TELEPHONE BEEPS.]
What?! How dare he? [WIND WHISTLING.]
Where the hell is Hitler? [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
- So close, mein Frau.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
So close.
- Ah, Herr Starr.
What an - Aah! Ugh! Do you know what's at stake, what I've been promised? The apocalypse is going to happen, and no teeny, tiny tin-pot is going to get in my way! [GRUNTS.]
While I'm here, the Messiah.
Now that you've laid eyes on him, how did he seem to you? [SIGHS.]
Fantastisch, mein Allfather.
Congratulations.
F-Finally, a Messiah we can believe in.
Hmm.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
'Cause he knows if he doesn't, I'll hurt you.
[JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
[BACKUP SIGNAL BEEPING.]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[BEEPING CONTINUES.]
MAN: Move it out! [JACKHAMMER CONTINUES.]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[TRUCK ENGINE REVS, MEN SPEAK INDISTINCTLY.]
[THUD.]
Coming in now.
[ECHOING.]
Quiet.
Listen up.
SAINT OF KILLERS: Let's go.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPART, SPURS CLICKING.]
CASSIDY: Hunted down like a dog over an orgy murder.
I mean, this is why we need to stick together, isn't it? Mm.
[SIGHS.]
You know, it's all my fault.
It's not Jesse.
He turned up like a good friend should.
And I been thinkin' He said, "Look, I know we've had our differences, you and I, but that doesn't matter right now on account of you getting repeatedly foreskinned by a meat-handed Italian man.
Christ, he was there to stop it.
He'd come to help.
And do you know what I said to that? Do you know what my stupid, selfish response was? - "I'd rather be circumcised.
" - That's right.
Which means I got a lot of work to do to make it up to him now.
So maybe goin' down to Australia to rescue him from whatever godforsaken mess he's got himself into seems like a pretty good start, doesn't it, you know? All right, so go on.
Let's hit the road.
- One more drink - [SWALLOWS, SETS GLASS DOWN.]
- Go and get our boy.
- No, thank you.
What'd you mean by that? It means I ain't goin'.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't really mean that.
[BEEPING CONTINUES.]
Gotta fix the car.
Dust in the carburetor.
Then we're takin' off.
Tak takin' off w-with Jesus Christ? Mm-hmm.
He wants to see Las Vegas.
I think he's [CLICKS TONGUE.]
I don't know what to think.
All right, but you can't just leave.
Shouldn't we stick together? Come with.
Out on the road with a lonely, handsome Jesus? Could be fun.
Think about it.
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
I don't want to.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
[SPURS CLICKING.]
MAN: [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Let's go! [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[JACKHAMMER CONTINUES.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[MEN SHOUTING.]
[BIRD CRIES.]
Nice car.
'72 Chevelle SS.
Crate 350 with a cowl-induction hood and 4-11 gears.
Flowmaster and TA tires.
And all mine.
Yeah.
You sure about this? Takin' off? Of course.
Don't you got stuff to do, like walkin' on water, turnin' it into wine? I don't know.
Oh, most of that's [SIGHS.]
pretty much just metaphor.
Oh.
'Cause there's no changin' your mind once we hit the road.
We're committed.
Well, there is this conference I'm supposed to be helping out with, but No.
I was born a man without obligations.
Walking the Earth, being with people, I think that's all the stuff I need to do.
I like that.
'Cause we're gonna walk some serious Earth.
[TOOL CLANKING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
The unredeemed one, will he be joining us? Cass? He's thinkin' 'bout it.
[HUMMING.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
[HUMMING CONTINUES.]
[SLAMS BAR.]
[SIGHS.]
Sex, sex, sex.
Those juicy flanks.
Legs wrapped tight.
Feelin' of me inside her.
Yeah, I think you know what I'm talkin' about, you dirty bird.
[LAUGHS.]
What the hell's got you so worked up? Hot date.
I haven't seen her in years.
When she lands, on.
Effendi.
What about you and your gal? Hot number.
No, no, she's not my gal.
But of course she is.
Don't blame you, either.
[SETS GLASS DOWN.]
Big baby eyes.
Sweet caramel skin.
Oh.
Naughty little uppercut.
She's my best mate's girl.
It's not gonna happen.
No.
No, it's not.
Not with that attitude.
Listen to me, friend.
Every now and then, you have to roll the dice.
Love isn't easy, forbidden love, especially.
[SIGHS.]
Breaks and beats ya.
Rips you to shreds.
But then, right when you think your heart can't take another second, it gives you life.
Dazzling and new.
A love worth fighting for.
A love so That's enough, now.
That's enough.
Shut your mouth, you oozy little gobshite.
For the love of God, I am tryin' to do the right thing, okay? God, for once.
[LIQUID POURS.]
[BOTTLE CLANKS.]
- [SETS GLASS DOWN.]
- You're right.
Who am I to give advice about love? Look what it got me.
Cast out of heaven, exiled, imprisoned.
And all because of some smokin' hot piece [FOOTSTEP.]
What? She's here.
Hmm? [CLEARS THROAT.]
["LOVE OF MY LIFE" PLAYS.]
Love of my life, you've hurt me You've broken my heart, and now you leave me Love of my life, can't you see? Back, hurry back Please bring it back home to me Because you don't know what it means to me Love of my life Love of my life Ooh, ooh [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[SIREN WAILS.]
[DOG BARKING.]
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
I didn't know I could.
That is no excuse.
Leavin' you there, that that was a sin.
You're a good kid, Eugene.
You're a good Christian.
I don't really know what that means anymore, but you are.
You put your faith in your preacher, and your preacher let you down.
Christ.
Your own preacher sent you to Hell.
Eugene, I don't know if you could ever forgive me.
I just want you to know that I feel so bad 'bout what I did.
Eugene I'm sorry.
[SEATBELT CLICKS.]
Seen Tulip do this 1,000 times.
Is it blue or red? - [CAR ALARM BLARING.]
- Shit.
[DOG BARKING.]
[BLARING CONTINUES.]
And I was Just that one mistake, you know? Mm.
That one little sin changed everything.
Yeah.
Two sins, actually.
She was married.
Oh, right.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I'm not complaining.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know? [SIGHS.]
A new Messiah was chosen.
My son.
A better one by all accounts.
Humperdoo? I heard he was, like Incredible.
My father's favorite.
A true unblemished innocent.
In the end, God knew best - [COUGHS.]
- as always.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
- What? - Yeah.
[BIRD CALLS.]
Look, I know he's your dad and all, but God's an asshole.
Don't say that.
I mean Don't say that.
All right, come on.
[HORN HONKS.]
Cassidy, let's go! [GLASSES CLINKING, PLEASURABLE MOANING.]
[POUNDING.]
I think they're going to break my bedroom.
I should help Jesse.
It's the right thing to do.
[LIQUID POURS.]
I mean, Tulip's never gonna love me.
Not like that, anyway.
[POUNDING, MOANING CONTINUE.]
- I should go and help him, right? - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- It's up to you.
- That's right.
That's free will.
Free will says I can change.
Free will says I don't have to be the selfish arsehole that no one believes in.
I get to decide whether I wanna be the hero here or not.
Just like Han Solo, you know? Luke's my friend and he's in trouble, and I don't give a shit about a chestful of Rebel gold.
I'm gonna turn around, and I'm gonna help blow up that Death Star.
You know what I'm talking about.
Do you know "Star Wars"? - Moving pictures - Uh-huh.
are an affront to Allah, Effendi.
Right.
Han would help.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- Maybe he isn't coming.
TULIP: Oh, please.
He's comin'.
[GRUNTS.]
Whoa! All right, all right.
[COUGHS.]
Mm.
[SNORTS.]
[SIGHS.]
- You wanna go in and - No.
If he wants to mope around, feelin' guilty, well, then let him, okay? Me and Jesus are gonna have some serious [ENGINE STARTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ah! [LAUGHING.]
Walkin' the Earth, baby.
[POPPING MOUTH.]
Aw, man.
It's gonna be so cool.
Walkin' the Earth.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
So much fun.
Do what we want.
Like what? What are we gonna do? I dunno.
Get high.
Watch TV.
Play mini golf.
Rob a bank.
- Everybody, on the floor! - [GUN COCKS.]
This is a stickup.
Any one of y'all moves, and all y'all's guts'll hit the walls.
Good.
I got the vault.
You watch the door, okay? Got it.
You heard my friend.
Nobody move, or the guts will be painted on the wall.
[GUN COCKS.]
- Jesus? - No talking.
- I have to pee.
- I said no - [GUNSHOT.]
- Aah! Aah! Jesus, you shot me.
Or you you could just be lookout.
We are not goin' back, if that's what you're thinkin'.
No Goddamn way.
I didn't say anything.
[SIGN CREAKS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ah! Champagne? I'll be back, my beloved.
Well? - Hi.
- [CHUCKLES.]
"Dazzling and new" is right.
I thought you were gonna mess with the space-time continuum back there.
I'm happy for the both of ya.
You're still here.
I thought you were on some sort of rescue mission.
Yeah, well, I decided to take your advice, you know? [SETS GLASS DOWN.]
[SIGHS.]
Advice? Yeah.
You know, just about love and rollin' the dice and all that, you know? Yeah.
Yeah, it's true.
So, I got to ask, what's with the, uh Jesus! What the? What? But you said you loved her.
Indeed I do, friend.
Indeed I do.
So what in the hell did you do that for? She's a demon.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Aah! [MEN GRUNTING.]
Eugene.
DISPATCH: 7-8-1.
Eugene.
It's all right.
He's not dead.
Come on.
Let's go.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
POLICE OFFICER: Car 23 reporting.
No sign of the suspect.
Copy that, Unit 23.
Units 6 and 14? CAR SIX: Uh, Unit 6 reporting.
Uh, negative.
No sign.
Unit 14? Unit 14, do you copy? JESSE: This is Unit 14.
No sign of him here, either.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Soon as we get out the city, we'll ditch the car.
You okay back there? Well I owed you that much, buddy.
- Oh! - [TIRES SCREECHING.]
[BIRD CAWS.]
Sorry I'm not gonna make it to Vegas.
- I hear it's fun.
- It's a stinkin' shit hole.
It's just this conference.
In 2,000 years, it's pretty much the only thing they've asked me to do.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Jesus doesn't wanna get into trouble.
[BIRD CAWS.]
It's not that.
It's not that.
[BIRD CAWS.]
It Besides, it's better than toking dope and shooting people.
Man, you are not what I expected.
That's what my dad says.
All right, listen to me.
I don't need you to say it.
I just need you to know it.
He's an asshole.
[BIRD CAWS.]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey! Just 'cause you're goin' back to do the responsible thing or whatever doesn't mean I have to.
That's right.
That's right.
You can do whatever you want, just like you said.
That's true for all of us, isn't it? It's what makes it so hard.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
[BIRD CAWING.]
[SIGHS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
["JOKER AND THE THIEF" PLAYS.]
I said the joker is a wanted man He makes his way all across the land I see him siftin' through the sand So I'll tell you all the story 'Bout the joker and the thief in the night I see him siftin' through the sand So I'll tell you all the story 'Bout the joker and the thief I said I'll tell you all the story 'Bout the joker and the thief I said I'll tell you all 'bout The joker and the thief in the night - Where's Jesus? - [GLASS BREAKS.]
- [DEMON SCREAMS.]
- He went back.
Oh.
What is goin' on? Angel and a demon fighting.
[GLASS BREAKS.]
Ready? Ready.
[GLASS BREAKING, CLATTERING.]
[DEMON SCREAMS.]
I hope you haven't started the apocalypse without me.
[HITLER, STARR LAUGH.]
'Course not, Holiness.
Mr.
Hitler your reputation precedes you.
I won't shake your hand.
I know what you've done.
But, as the Redeemer, I will give you a hug.
Ahh! [CHUCKLES.]
Gentlemen [CLEARS THROAT.]
STARR: [CLEARS THROAT.]
shall we begin? Yeah.
TULIP: You ever been to Australia? CASSIDY: No, but I hear it's right deadly.
Yeah.
Sharks, right? Mm-hmm.
And spiders and snakes and bloody crocodiles, bats as big as eagles.
Koalas have chlamydia out there.
Do you know that? It's like a bloody slaughterhouse.
Seriously? Cool.
[GROANING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
- So let's make him suffer.
[LAUGHS.]
PILOT: Please keep your seatbelts fastened.
We're running into some minor turbulence.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Vampire coming up.
[GUNSHOT.]
- [GUN COCKS.]
- Where is she? I haven't seen her.
I'm gonna break out of these, - and then I'm gonna kill you.
- Aah! This is between me and you! Not him! JESUS: What do you do now? Whatever the hell I want.
Can I come? [MEN GRUNTING.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[MAN, WOMAN SCREAMING.]
[EUGENE MUMBLES.]
[BIRDS CAWING.]
[CAWING CONTINUES.]
Need to get to the Lost Apostle.
Driver's license and c-c-credit card, please.
The Lost Ap-postle, eh? Amazing place.
Th-Th-This'll just take a jiff.
[MUZAK PLAYS, MOUSE CLICKS.]
Came up with the Bionic Ear here, you know? What? Uh, the, uh, uh, Bionic Ear.
This is where they invented it in Melbourne.
Bit of trivia.
Free of charge.
Ha.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
[COMPUTER BEEPING.]
Problem? S-S-S-S-Sorry, sir.
It, uh, seems we don't have, uh, any cars available.
What about those? Well, uh th-th-they're reserved for M-M-M-M-M-M-Moth Mother's Day.
Whatever it says there on that screen of yours about me wanted murderer, armed and dangerous it's a lie.
I'm not armed, but I do have the power to make people do as I say.
Laugh.
Cry.
Kill.
Anything.
One time, in Texas, I made a cop mace his own balls.
But I don't want to do that here Jaxon.
See, people been gettin' hurt.
I gotta cut back on usin' it.
Problem is, if I don't get to where I need to go, pretty sure the whole world is gonna end, and everyone's gonna die.
So I'll leave that with you.
I'm askin' you to rent me, of your own free will, a rental car.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you.
Jaxon [ECHOING.]
you don't stutter.
Thank you.
[BELL RINGS.]
[SPURS CLICKING.]
[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS.]
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[REARVIEW MIRROR SQUEAKS.]
And in other news, authorities continue an international manhunt for the preacher behind the pervert rampage.
FEMALE NEWS ANNOUNCER: There's still no word on the whereabouts of the missing New Zealand Deputy Prime Minister.
Sources say [GEARS CLICKING.]
[HORN BLARES, TIRES SCREECH.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Eugene.
[MAN SCREAMS.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[GUNS COCK.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GUNS CLICK.]
[ENGINE REVVING, TIRES SCREECH.]
[HORN BLARES.]
Eugene can take care of himself.
If The Saint wanted him dead, he'd be dead, right? Right.
[ENGINE IDLING.]
[HORN BLARES, TIRES SCREECH.]
[ENGINE IDLING.]
[GEAR CLICKS.]
Eugene.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
["I WANT HER TO LOVE ME" PLAYS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
I suppose She'll come my way I want her to love me Until her dying day I want her to Love me I want her to Love me CASSIDY: The bloody ponce was turning 'em into vampires and just killin'.
Also, he could turn himself into a cat, flittin' about in the sky like some kind of sexy pirate.
Dick.
What'd ya do? I turned the rest of his followers, then they ate him.
- Nice.
- Uh-huh.
I mean, Christ, it doesn't compare to fightin' all the Nazis on a bus ride to Hell, but Eh kept me fit.
- Mm.
Right there.
- [LAUGHS.]
What happened to your hair? Hurtful.
Hurtful.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's good to see ya.
And you, Cass.
- Sláinte mhath.
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
Yeah, that.
I feel like Effendi.
Oh, yeah.
Need a shit, shower, shave.
Oh, a-and a phone.
In back room.
Gotta call a, uh, certain lady.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
I feel like [WHISTLES.]
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
Jesus Christ, huh? I know, right? Guy's a bloody handsome devil.
I guess.
[SCOFFS.]
[SETS GLASS DOWN.]
So, speakin' of handsome devils [VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
Did you tell him we slept together? Did you tell him we had sex? I'm not mad.
Just tell me.
Did you? Yeah.
- Nissa, look.
- What? [GROANS.]
Bad news.
The search continues for the man who police say brutally murdered a group of innocent sex tourists here in the Middle East.
The manhunt grows as the Holy Man turned pervert-hating killing machine - was reportedly last spotted in Australia.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Room service.
[DOORS CREAK.]
Good morning, Jesus.
Your breakfast is here.
Oh! Oh, Jesus.
FEATHERSTONE: Due to my negligence, Tulip O'Hare and Cassidy have escaped Masada, as has our political prisoner.
[SCOFFS.]
I've also failed in my duty to track down and locate the Holy Child.
For these reasons [SMOOCHES.]
I'm ready to die.
I'm ready, too.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Mm? Gone? Where? Did you check the leper lab or the pediatric-cancer wing? He loves those sorts of Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Proceed.
Hmm.
Mm.
You have no authority.
Don't you dare.
Or what? You'll get your brains on me? Or I'll get your brains on you.
- [GUN CLICKS.]
- I'll take my chances.
Idiot.
- [TELEPHONE BEEPS.]
- Problem, sir? They can't find Jesus.
Sir, please, I think I've earned the right to be executed by you and you alone.
- [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- [SCOFFS.]
Uh, how can I get anything done when the phone won't stop? You've earned the right to drop dead and get rolled into a tarp, Flufferman.
That's what you've earned.
[TELEPHONE BEEPS.]
What?! How dare he? [WIND WHISTLING.]
Where the hell is Hitler? [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
- So close, mein Frau.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
So close.
- Ah, Herr Starr.
What an - Aah! Ugh! Do you know what's at stake, what I've been promised? The apocalypse is going to happen, and no teeny, tiny tin-pot is going to get in my way! [GRUNTS.]
While I'm here, the Messiah.
Now that you've laid eyes on him, how did he seem to you? [SIGHS.]
Fantastisch, mein Allfather.
Congratulations.
F-Finally, a Messiah we can believe in.
Hmm.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
'Cause he knows if he doesn't, I'll hurt you.
[JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
[BACKUP SIGNAL BEEPING.]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[BEEPING CONTINUES.]
MAN: Move it out! [JACKHAMMER CONTINUES.]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[TRUCK ENGINE REVS, MEN SPEAK INDISTINCTLY.]
[THUD.]
Coming in now.
[ECHOING.]
Quiet.
Listen up.
SAINT OF KILLERS: Let's go.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPART, SPURS CLICKING.]
CASSIDY: Hunted down like a dog over an orgy murder.
I mean, this is why we need to stick together, isn't it? Mm.
[SIGHS.]
You know, it's all my fault.
It's not Jesse.
He turned up like a good friend should.
And I been thinkin' He said, "Look, I know we've had our differences, you and I, but that doesn't matter right now on account of you getting repeatedly foreskinned by a meat-handed Italian man.
Christ, he was there to stop it.
He'd come to help.
And do you know what I said to that? Do you know what my stupid, selfish response was? - "I'd rather be circumcised.
" - That's right.
Which means I got a lot of work to do to make it up to him now.
So maybe goin' down to Australia to rescue him from whatever godforsaken mess he's got himself into seems like a pretty good start, doesn't it, you know? All right, so go on.
Let's hit the road.
- One more drink - [SWALLOWS, SETS GLASS DOWN.]
- Go and get our boy.
- No, thank you.
What'd you mean by that? It means I ain't goin'.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't really mean that.
[BEEPING CONTINUES.]
Gotta fix the car.
Dust in the carburetor.
Then we're takin' off.
Tak takin' off w-with Jesus Christ? Mm-hmm.
He wants to see Las Vegas.
I think he's [CLICKS TONGUE.]
I don't know what to think.
All right, but you can't just leave.
Shouldn't we stick together? Come with.
Out on the road with a lonely, handsome Jesus? Could be fun.
Think about it.
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
I don't want to.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
[SPURS CLICKING.]
MAN: [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Let's go! [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[JACKHAMMER CONTINUES.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[MEN SHOUTING.]
[BIRD CRIES.]
Nice car.
'72 Chevelle SS.
Crate 350 with a cowl-induction hood and 4-11 gears.
Flowmaster and TA tires.
And all mine.
Yeah.
You sure about this? Takin' off? Of course.
Don't you got stuff to do, like walkin' on water, turnin' it into wine? I don't know.
Oh, most of that's [SIGHS.]
pretty much just metaphor.
Oh.
'Cause there's no changin' your mind once we hit the road.
We're committed.
Well, there is this conference I'm supposed to be helping out with, but No.
I was born a man without obligations.
Walking the Earth, being with people, I think that's all the stuff I need to do.
I like that.
'Cause we're gonna walk some serious Earth.
[TOOL CLANKING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
The unredeemed one, will he be joining us? Cass? He's thinkin' 'bout it.
[HUMMING.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
[HUMMING CONTINUES.]
[SLAMS BAR.]
[SIGHS.]
Sex, sex, sex.
Those juicy flanks.
Legs wrapped tight.
Feelin' of me inside her.
Yeah, I think you know what I'm talkin' about, you dirty bird.
[LAUGHS.]
What the hell's got you so worked up? Hot date.
I haven't seen her in years.
When she lands, on.
Effendi.
What about you and your gal? Hot number.
No, no, she's not my gal.
But of course she is.
Don't blame you, either.
[SETS GLASS DOWN.]
Big baby eyes.
Sweet caramel skin.
Oh.
Naughty little uppercut.
She's my best mate's girl.
It's not gonna happen.
No.
No, it's not.
Not with that attitude.
Listen to me, friend.
Every now and then, you have to roll the dice.
Love isn't easy, forbidden love, especially.
[SIGHS.]
Breaks and beats ya.
Rips you to shreds.
But then, right when you think your heart can't take another second, it gives you life.
Dazzling and new.
A love worth fighting for.
A love so That's enough, now.
That's enough.
Shut your mouth, you oozy little gobshite.
For the love of God, I am tryin' to do the right thing, okay? God, for once.
[LIQUID POURS.]
[BOTTLE CLANKS.]
- [SETS GLASS DOWN.]
- You're right.
Who am I to give advice about love? Look what it got me.
Cast out of heaven, exiled, imprisoned.
And all because of some smokin' hot piece [FOOTSTEP.]
What? She's here.
Hmm? [CLEARS THROAT.]
["LOVE OF MY LIFE" PLAYS.]
Love of my life, you've hurt me You've broken my heart, and now you leave me Love of my life, can't you see? Back, hurry back Please bring it back home to me Because you don't know what it means to me Love of my life Love of my life Ooh, ooh [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[SIREN WAILS.]
[DOG BARKING.]
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
I didn't know I could.
That is no excuse.
Leavin' you there, that that was a sin.
You're a good kid, Eugene.
You're a good Christian.
I don't really know what that means anymore, but you are.
You put your faith in your preacher, and your preacher let you down.
Christ.
Your own preacher sent you to Hell.
Eugene, I don't know if you could ever forgive me.
I just want you to know that I feel so bad 'bout what I did.
Eugene I'm sorry.
[SEATBELT CLICKS.]
Seen Tulip do this 1,000 times.
Is it blue or red? - [CAR ALARM BLARING.]
- Shit.
[DOG BARKING.]
[BLARING CONTINUES.]
And I was Just that one mistake, you know? Mm.
That one little sin changed everything.
Yeah.
Two sins, actually.
She was married.
Oh, right.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I'm not complaining.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know? [SIGHS.]
A new Messiah was chosen.
My son.
A better one by all accounts.
Humperdoo? I heard he was, like Incredible.
My father's favorite.
A true unblemished innocent.
In the end, God knew best - [COUGHS.]
- as always.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
- What? - Yeah.
[BIRD CALLS.]
Look, I know he's your dad and all, but God's an asshole.
Don't say that.
I mean Don't say that.
All right, come on.
[HORN HONKS.]
Cassidy, let's go! [GLASSES CLINKING, PLEASURABLE MOANING.]
[POUNDING.]
I think they're going to break my bedroom.
I should help Jesse.
It's the right thing to do.
[LIQUID POURS.]
I mean, Tulip's never gonna love me.
Not like that, anyway.
[POUNDING, MOANING CONTINUE.]
- I should go and help him, right? - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- It's up to you.
- That's right.
That's free will.
Free will says I can change.
Free will says I don't have to be the selfish arsehole that no one believes in.
I get to decide whether I wanna be the hero here or not.
Just like Han Solo, you know? Luke's my friend and he's in trouble, and I don't give a shit about a chestful of Rebel gold.
I'm gonna turn around, and I'm gonna help blow up that Death Star.
You know what I'm talking about.
Do you know "Star Wars"? - Moving pictures - Uh-huh.
are an affront to Allah, Effendi.
Right.
Han would help.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- Maybe he isn't coming.
TULIP: Oh, please.
He's comin'.
[GRUNTS.]
Whoa! All right, all right.
[COUGHS.]
Mm.
[SNORTS.]
[SIGHS.]
- You wanna go in and - No.
If he wants to mope around, feelin' guilty, well, then let him, okay? Me and Jesus are gonna have some serious [ENGINE STARTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ah! [LAUGHING.]
Walkin' the Earth, baby.
[POPPING MOUTH.]
Aw, man.
It's gonna be so cool.
Walkin' the Earth.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
So much fun.
Do what we want.
Like what? What are we gonna do? I dunno.
Get high.
Watch TV.
Play mini golf.
Rob a bank.
- Everybody, on the floor! - [GUN COCKS.]
This is a stickup.
Any one of y'all moves, and all y'all's guts'll hit the walls.
Good.
I got the vault.
You watch the door, okay? Got it.
You heard my friend.
Nobody move, or the guts will be painted on the wall.
[GUN COCKS.]
- Jesus? - No talking.
- I have to pee.
- I said no - [GUNSHOT.]
- Aah! Aah! Jesus, you shot me.
Or you you could just be lookout.
We are not goin' back, if that's what you're thinkin'.
No Goddamn way.
I didn't say anything.
[SIGN CREAKS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ah! Champagne? I'll be back, my beloved.
Well? - Hi.
- [CHUCKLES.]
"Dazzling and new" is right.
I thought you were gonna mess with the space-time continuum back there.
I'm happy for the both of ya.
You're still here.
I thought you were on some sort of rescue mission.
Yeah, well, I decided to take your advice, you know? [SETS GLASS DOWN.]
[SIGHS.]
Advice? Yeah.
You know, just about love and rollin' the dice and all that, you know? Yeah.
Yeah, it's true.
So, I got to ask, what's with the, uh Jesus! What the? What? But you said you loved her.
Indeed I do, friend.
Indeed I do.
So what in the hell did you do that for? She's a demon.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Aah! [MEN GRUNTING.]
Eugene.
DISPATCH: 7-8-1.
Eugene.
It's all right.
He's not dead.
Come on.
Let's go.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
POLICE OFFICER: Car 23 reporting.
No sign of the suspect.
Copy that, Unit 23.
Units 6 and 14? CAR SIX: Uh, Unit 6 reporting.
Uh, negative.
No sign.
Unit 14? Unit 14, do you copy? JESSE: This is Unit 14.
No sign of him here, either.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Soon as we get out the city, we'll ditch the car.
You okay back there? Well I owed you that much, buddy.
- Oh! - [TIRES SCREECHING.]
[BIRD CAWS.]
Sorry I'm not gonna make it to Vegas.
- I hear it's fun.
- It's a stinkin' shit hole.
It's just this conference.
In 2,000 years, it's pretty much the only thing they've asked me to do.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Jesus doesn't wanna get into trouble.
[BIRD CAWS.]
It's not that.
It's not that.
[BIRD CAWS.]
It Besides, it's better than toking dope and shooting people.
Man, you are not what I expected.
That's what my dad says.
All right, listen to me.
I don't need you to say it.
I just need you to know it.
He's an asshole.
[BIRD CAWS.]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey! Just 'cause you're goin' back to do the responsible thing or whatever doesn't mean I have to.
That's right.
That's right.
You can do whatever you want, just like you said.
That's true for all of us, isn't it? It's what makes it so hard.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
[BIRD CAWING.]
[SIGHS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
["JOKER AND THE THIEF" PLAYS.]
I said the joker is a wanted man He makes his way all across the land I see him siftin' through the sand So I'll tell you all the story 'Bout the joker and the thief in the night I see him siftin' through the sand So I'll tell you all the story 'Bout the joker and the thief I said I'll tell you all the story 'Bout the joker and the thief I said I'll tell you all 'bout The joker and the thief in the night - Where's Jesus? - [GLASS BREAKS.]
- [DEMON SCREAMS.]
- He went back.
Oh.
What is goin' on? Angel and a demon fighting.
[GLASS BREAKS.]
Ready? Ready.
[GLASS BREAKING, CLATTERING.]
[DEMON SCREAMS.]
I hope you haven't started the apocalypse without me.
[HITLER, STARR LAUGH.]
'Course not, Holiness.
Mr.
Hitler your reputation precedes you.
I won't shake your hand.
I know what you've done.
But, as the Redeemer, I will give you a hug.
Ahh! [CHUCKLES.]
Gentlemen [CLEARS THROAT.]
STARR: [CLEARS THROAT.]
shall we begin? Yeah.
TULIP: You ever been to Australia? CASSIDY: No, but I hear it's right deadly.
Yeah.
Sharks, right? Mm-hmm.
And spiders and snakes and bloody crocodiles, bats as big as eagles.
Koalas have chlamydia out there.
Do you know that? It's like a bloody slaughterhouse.
Seriously? Cool.
[GROANING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]