Reno 911! (2003) s04e05 Episode Script
Spanish Mike Comes Back
look alive, people! look alive, people! look alive, people! For the next 24 hours we will be For the next 24 hours we will be For the next 24 hours we will be entrusted with the most Entrusted with the most Entrusted with the most dangerous criminal mastermind Dangerous criminal mastermind Dangerous criminal mastermind the sierras has ever known.
The sierras has ever known.
The sierras has ever known.
In 24 hours' time we will hand In 24 hours' time we will hand In 24 hours' time we will hand him over to the federal bureau Him over to the federal bureau Him over to the federal bureau of investigations.
Until that Of investigations.
Until that Of investigations.
Until that time, we must be vigilant.
Watch Time, we must be vigilant.
Watch Time, we must be vigilant.
Watch your back.
Watch your partner's Your back.
Watch your partner's Your back.
Watch your partner's back.
This man is a genius.
He Back.
This man is a genius.
He Back.
This man is a genius.
He will get inside your head Will get inside your head Will get inside your head And he will find a way to And he will find a way to And he will find a way to escape.
What are we gonna do?! Escape.
What are we gonna do?! Escape.
What are we gonna do?! wash your back! wash your back! wash your back! be vigilant, sir! be vigilant, sir! be vigilant, sir! [all talking at once.]
[all talking at once.]
[all talking at once.]
don't let him see our fear! don't let him see our fear! don't let him see our fear! ok, well, here's what I ok, well, here's what I ok, well, here's what I was gonna say.
Was gonna say.
Was gonna say.
gimme an "a"! gimme an "a"! gimme an "a"! no.
Stop it.
And watch.
no.
Stop it.
And watch.
no.
Stop it.
And watch.
Not wash.
No one's washing Not wash.
No one's washing Not wash.
No one's washing anyone.
Battle stations! Anyone.
Battle stations! Anyone.
Battle stations! [cocking rifles.]
[cocking rifles.]
[cocking rifles.]
[siren bursts.]
uhh! you guys! Ha ha ha ha ha.
you guys! Ha ha ha ha ha.
you guys! Ha ha ha ha ha.
move him out! Move him move him out! Move him move him out! Move him out! Move him out! Move him out! Out! Move him out! Move him out! Out! Move him out! Move him out! Go! Go! Go! wiegel, you're with child! wiegel, you're with child! wiegel, you're with child! Oh, my gosh, you look Oh, my gosh, you look Oh, my gosh, you look You're radiant! You're radiant! You're radiant! thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
don't engage him.
Don't don't engage him.
Don't don't engage him.
Don't engage him.
Engage him.
Engage him.
those glasses are so you.
those glasses are so you.
those glasses are so you.
do not engage him.
do not engage him.
do not engage him.
thank you.
Thank--oh.
thank you.
Thank--oh.
thank you.
Thank--oh.
don't say thank you.
don't say thank you.
don't say thank you.
I just want you to know I just want you to know I just want you to know that on my part, there's no hard That on my part, there's no hard That on my part, there's no hard feelings.
mtv networks.]
good morning.
We are from good morning.
We are from good morning.
We are from the department of homeland The department of homeland The department of homeland security.
My name is captain Security.
My name is captain Security.
My name is captain duane hernandez.
Focus, people.
Duane hernandez.
Focus, people.
Duane hernandez.
Focus, people.
This is about fighting the This is about fighting the This is about fighting the terrorists.
This is the face of Terrorists.
This is the face of Terrorists.
This is the face of freedom! This is the face of Freedom! This is the face of Freedom! This is the face of freedom! Freedom! Freedom! [applause.]
[applause.]
[applause.]
we were robbed over the we were robbed over the we were robbed over the weekend.
They got away with Weekend.
They got away with Weekend.
They got away with $300,000's worth of evidence $300,000's worth of evidence $300,000's worth of evidence from the evidence room, and most From the evidence room, and most From the evidence room, and most of the phones and computers.
Of the phones and computers.
Of the phones and computers.
That person who called himself That person who called himself That person who called himself duane hernandez is apparently Duane hernandez is apparently Duane hernandez is apparently "spanish mike" alverez.
I'm just worried that I'm just worried that I'm just worried that You're gonna get in with spanish You're gonna get in with spanish You're gonna get in with spanish mike, and he's gonna talk you Mike, and he's gonna talk you Mike, and he's gonna talk you out of your panties in about 30 Out of your panties in about 30 Out of your panties in about 30 seconds flat.
Seconds flat.
Seconds flat.
jim, in fairness, it's jim, in fairness, it's jim, in fairness, it's not that hard to talk me out Not that hard to talk me out Not that hard to talk me out of my panties no matter who you Of my panties no matter who you Of my panties no matter who you are.
Are.
Are.
true.
good afternoon, good afternoon, good afternoon, detective wiegel.
[coughs.]
Detective wiegel.
[coughs.]
Detective wiegel.
[coughs.]
I have hay fever.
My--my vocal I have hay fever.
My--my vocal I have hay fever.
My--my vocal cords get affected.
Cords get affected.
Cords get affected.
are you ok? are you ok? are you ok? yes.
Oh, it's good yes.
Oh, it's good yes.
Oh, it's good to see you.
To see you.
To see you.
you, too.
you, too.
you, too.
look at you.
look at you.
look at you.
[chuckles.]
here I am.
[chuckles.]
here I am.
[chuckles.]
here I am.
wow! wow! wow! [wiegel laughs nervously.]
[wiegel laughs nervously.]
[wiegel laughs nervously.]
I'm not supposed to I'm not supposed to I'm not supposed to actually engage you in any Actually engage you in any Actually engage you in any oh, I understand.
oh, I understand.
oh, I understand.
Sort of conversation, Sort of conversation, Sort of conversation, so So So I understand.
I understand.
I understand.
hello.
Nice to see you, hello.
Nice to see you, hello.
Nice to see you, and-- And-- And-- may I show you something? may I show you something? may I show you something? You tell me if you like it.
You tell me if you like it.
You tell me if you like it.
ohIt's beautiful.
ohIt's beautiful.
ohIt's beautiful.
like--like you are.
like--like you are.
like--like you are.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
you know, wiegel, you know, wiegel, you know, wiegel, I never--I never told anyone I never--I never told anyone I never--I never told anyone this, but This, but This, but I never knew the taste of my I never knew the taste of my I never knew the taste of my mother's breast.
Mother's breast.
Mother's breast.
oh, no.
oh, no.
oh, no.
and look where I am now.
and look where I am now.
and look where I am now.
oh! oh! oh! I was fed by the I was fed by the I was fed by the village wet nurse.
Her name was Village wet nurse.
Her name was Village wet nurse.
Her name was marta, but everyone called her Marta, but everyone called her Marta, but everyone called her sarsaparilla.
She had areolas Sarsaparilla.
She had areolas Sarsaparilla.
She had areolas the size of half dollars.
The size of half dollars.
The size of half dollars.
And I bonded with her instead of And I bonded with her instead of And I bonded with her instead of my mama.
My mama.
My mama.
oh, god, that's oh, god, that's oh, god, that's heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking.
I would like another chance.
I would like another chance.
I would like another chance.
I know.
I know.
I know.
all I need is for all I need is for all I need is for you to slip the key through this You to slip the key through this You to slip the key through this little opening here.
That's all Little opening here.
That's all Little opening here.
That's all I need.
I need.
I need.
[crying.]
wiegel, help me! [crying.]
wiegel, help me! [crying.]
wiegel, help me! jim--jim said no jim--jim said no jim--jim said no talking, don't engage him, don't Talking, don't engage him, don't Talking, don't engage him, don't even look at him.
But he didn't Even look at him.
But he didn't Even look at him.
But he didn't say anything about holding Say anything about holding Say anything about holding hands.
SoQuickly.
thank you.
Can you thank you.
Can you thank you.
Can you hold something else? Hold something else? Hold something else? sure.
Oh, no.
No, no, sure.
Oh, no.
No, no, sure.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Definitely not.
sheriff's department.
sheriff's department.
sheriff's department.
Did someone call the sheriff's Did someone call the sheriff's Did someone call the sheriff's department? Hello, hello.
Department? Hello, hello.
Department? Hello, hello.
Anybody here dial 911? Anybody here dial 911? Anybody here dial 911? Sir, are you the booze Sir, are you the booze Sir, are you the booze hammer of galen? Hammer of galen? Hammer of galen? I am booze hammer of galen.
I am booze hammer of galen.
I am booze hammer of galen.
what is the nature of what is the nature of what is the nature of your emergency, sir? Your emergency, sir? Your emergency, sir? well, there's a massive well, there's a massive well, there's a massive anachronism going on down-- Anachronism going on down-- Anachronism going on down-- there's a what? there's a what? there's a what? there's a gentleman using a there's a gentleman using a there's a gentleman using a cold iron sparta, which is a Cold iron sparta, which is a Cold iron sparta, which is a circa 1195.
I believe the cutoff Circa 1195.
I believe the cutoff Circa 1195.
I believe the cutoff year here is 1095.
Year here is 1095.
Year here is 1095.
and you called the and you called the and you called the sheriff's department because of Sheriff's department because of Sheriff's department because of this? This? This? well, yes.
It's upsetting well, yes.
It's upsetting well, yes.
It's upsetting people.
It's upsetting my mount People.
It's upsetting my mount People.
It's upsetting my mount viggo, and I don't want to-- Viggo, and I don't want to-- Viggo, and I don't want to-- out of date of your out of date of your out of date of your little make-me-up play.
Little make-me-up play.
Little make-me-up play.
How'd you call us? How'd you call us? How'd you call us? I used a scrawing device.
I used a scrawing device.
I used a scrawing device.
Um Um Um what is a scrawing what is a scrawing what is a scrawing device, sir? Device, sir? Device, sir? [softly moaning.]
sorry.
[softly moaning.]
sorry.
[softly moaning.]
sorry.
UhhUhh UhhUhh UhhUhh are you ok? are you ok? are you ok? my scrawing device is on my scrawing device is on my scrawing device is on vibrate.
I must've been Vibrate.
I must've been Vibrate.
I must've been getting-- Getting-- Getting-- he's using a cell phone! he's using a cell phone! he's using a cell phone! You used a cellular telephone.
You used a cellular telephone.
You used a cellular telephone.
I--I refer to it as a I--I refer to it as a I--I refer to it as a scrawing deviceThat I use Scrawing deviceThat I use Scrawing deviceThat I use to-- To-- To-- why? Why? why? Why? why? Why? because we are in the year because we are in the year because we are in the year now you're pissin' me now you're pissin' me now you're pissin' me off, tubby! Off, tubby! Off, tubby! I--no.
This is-- I--no.
This is-- I--no.
This is-- ok, I got a question.
ok, I got a question.
ok, I got a question.
this is my winter fat that this is my winter fat that this is my winter fat that I have not--I have not had I have not--I have not had I have not--I have not had enough jousting to work off my Enough jousting to work off my Enough jousting to work off my winter fat.
Winter fat.
Winter fat.
it's August.
it's August.
it's August.
the cotton candy ain't the cotton candy ain't the cotton candy ain't helpin', either, bro.
Helpin', either, bro.
Helpin', either, bro.
this is--this is spun this is--this is spun this is--this is spun sugar.
They had this in 1095.
Sugar.
They had this in 1095.
Sugar.
They had this in 1095.
Viggo? You know what? Viggo and Viggo? You know what? Viggo and Viggo? You know what? Viggo and I are leaving.
I are leaving.
I are leaving.
no, you're not.
You're no, you're not.
You're no, you're not.
You're coming with us now.
Coming with us now.
Coming with us now.
viggo, let's go.
viggo, let's go.
viggo, let's go.
get him stabled in.
Get get him stabled in.
Get get him stabled in.
Get him stabled in.
Him stabled in.
Him stabled in.
no.
Let's get some no.
Let's get some no.
Let's get some pretzeled bread.
Pretzeled bread.
Pretzeled bread.
would you just fucking would you just fucking would you just fucking say pretzel?! It's not Say pretzel?! It's not Say pretzel?! It's not "pretzeled bread.
" "pretzeled bread.
" "pretzeled bread.
" it's not "pretzeled it's not "pretzeled it's not "pretzeled bread.
" it's a fucking pretzel.
Bread.
" it's a fucking pretzel.
Bread.
" it's a fucking pretzel.
you're gonna get an angry you're gonna get an angry you're gonna get an angry couplet.
Are you ready? Couplet.
Are you ready? Couplet.
Are you ready? go.
Fire away.
go.
Fire away.
go.
Fire away.
in mirrored pools which in mirrored pools which in mirrored pools which cover your eyes, and frightening Cover your eyes, and frightening Cover your eyes, and frightening is the fur on your skinny Is the fur on your skinny Is the fur on your skinny thighs.
I think I've put-- Thighs.
I think I've put-- Thighs.
I think I've put-- get down! Get down off get down! Get down off get down! Get down off that burro! That burro! That burro! viggo.
Viggo.
Viggo! Mom! viggo.
Viggo.
Viggo! Mom! viggo.
Viggo.
Viggo! Mom! get off the donkey.
get off the donkey.
get off the donkey.
mom! Listen mom! Listen mom! Listen your mom can't help you your mom can't help you your mom can't help you now.
Now.
Now.
I'm being taken to the I'm being taken to the I'm being taken to the future.
But I will return Future.
But I will return Future.
But I will return with--I'll return with medicine! With--I'll return with medicine! With--I'll return with medicine! no, he won't.
no, he won't.
no, he won't.
I will bring medicine! I will bring medicine! I will bring medicine! he'll return in a delorean he'll return in a delorean he'll return in a delorean with doc brown.
How 'bout that? With doc brown.
How 'bout that? With doc brown.
How 'bout that? oh, that's really funny.
oh, that's really funny.
oh, that's really funny.
You should be in the jester You should be in the jester You should be in the jester booth.
[kids all shouting.]
[kids all shouting.]
[kids all shouting.]
thank you, everybody.
thank you, everybody.
thank you, everybody.
My name is deputy kimball, and My name is deputy kimball, and My name is deputy kimball, and I--all right, everybody settle I--all right, everybody settle I--all right, everybody settle down now.
Hey! Down now.
Hey! Down now.
Hey! on the count of 3, I want on the count of 3, I want on the count of 3, I want quiet.
Quiet.
Quiet.
123.
123.
123.
[kids still making noise.]
[kids still making noise.]
[kids still making noise.]
everybody just settle everybody just settle everybody just settle down.
Now, I'm--I'm serious.
Down.
Now, I'm--I'm serious.
Down.
Now, I'm--I'm serious.
Now, if y'all don't--if y'all Now, if y'all don't--if y'all Now, if y'all don't--if y'all don't want detention, if you Don't want detention, if you Don't want detention, if you know what's good--now, you, Know what's good--now, you, Know what's good--now, you, especially.
I want you to be Especially.
I want you to be Especially.
I want you to be quiet right now! Now, stop it! Quiet right now! Now, stop it! Quiet right now! Now, stop it! Everybody shut up! Everybody shut up! Everybody shut up! [kids go silent.]
[kids go silent.]
[kids go silent.]
well, all right.
Well, all right.
Well, all right.
[pleasantly.]
my name is deputy [pleasantly.]
my name is deputy [pleasantly.]
my name is deputy kimball.
It's very good to meet Kimball.
It's very good to meet Kimball.
It's very good to meet you all.
How are you all doin' You all.
How are you all doin' You all.
How are you all doin' today? Today? Today? [siren.]
jeez, debbie, our jeez, debbie, our jeez, debbie, our relationship is really becoming Relationship is really becoming Relationship is really becoming good.
I think it's time for us Good.
I think it's time for us Good.
I think it's time for us to move on to sex and To move on to sex and To move on to sex and intercourse.
Intercourse.
Intercourse.
I agree, which makes it I agree, which makes it I agree, which makes it consensual, so there's no Consensual, so there's no Consensual, so there's no problem, although you do look a Problem, although you do look a Problem, although you do look a little young to me.
Little young to me.
Little young to me.
[siren.]
[siren.]
[siren.]
freeze! Never have sex with freeze! Never have sex with freeze! Never have sex with anyone until you see a Anyone until you see a Anyone until you see a government issued I.
D.
With Government issued I.
D.
With Government issued I.
D.
With their birth date on it.
Anyone Their birth date on it.
Anyone Their birth date on it.
Anyone you're having sex with should be You're having sex with should be You're having sex with should be born before today's date in Born before today's date in Born before today's date in 1990.
1990.
1990.
do the math.
do the math.
do the math.
Or get yourself some sheriff's Or get yourself some sheriff's Or get yourself some sheriff's department bling-bling.
[horn honking.]
[horn honking.]
[horn honking.]
uh-ohUh-oh uh-ohUh-oh uh-ohUh-oh wait! Stop!! wait! Stop!! wait! Stop!! nice! Nice one, ma'am.
nice! Nice one, ma'am.
nice! Nice one, ma'am.
Do you wanna step out of the Do you wanna step out of the Do you wanna step out of the car? Can I see your license? Car? Can I see your license? Car? Can I see your license? I don't drink.
I don't drink.
I don't drink.
none of these people drink none of these people drink none of these people drink either, and yet-- Either, and yet-- Either, and yet-- I don't drink alcohol! I don't drink alcohol! I don't drink alcohol! I don't even drink, ok? I'm just I don't even drink, ok? I'm just I don't even drink, ok? I'm just out of the program, and I do not Out of the program, and I do not Out of the program, and I do not drink.
OkThis way.
Drink.
OkThis way.
Drink.
OkThis way.
arms out.
arms out.
arms out.
you have a little bit of a you have a little bit of a you have a little bit of a camel toe, miss.
Camel toe, miss.
Camel toe, miss.
I know! But I don't make I know! But I don't make I know! But I don't make these uniforms! You're a little These uniforms! You're a little These uniforms! You're a little belligerent, ma'am.
Belligerent, ma'am.
Belligerent, ma'am.
I'm not belligerent! I'm I'm not belligerent! I'm I'm not belligerent! I'm angry.
I feel victimized! By Angry.
I feel victimized! By Angry.
I feel victimized! By you, blondie! You, blondie! You, blondie! you smell like a winery.
you smell like a winery.
you smell like a winery.
that's because I had a cold that's because I had a cold that's because I had a cold and I took something for it.
And I took something for it.
And I took something for it.
you took some wine? you took some wine? you took some wine? no, a took a cough syrup no, a took a cough syrup no, a took a cough syrup tank.
Tank.
Tank.
ma'am, you can get your purse ma'am, you can get your purse ma'am, you can get your purse and go in there with the other And go in there with the other And go in there with the other drunks.
Drunks.
Drunks.
susan? susan? susan? I'm not drunk, I said! I'm not drunk, I said! I'm not drunk, I said! get your purse and go over get your purse and go over get your purse and go over here.
Seize the vehicle.
Here.
Seize the vehicle.
Here.
Seize the vehicle.
no! no! no! yes! yes! yes! no! [pounds on hood.]
no! [pounds on hood.]
no! [pounds on hood.]
get her off, get her off, get get her off, get her off, get get her off, get her off, get her off, get her off! Her off, get her off! Her off, get her off! gimme my car, you little-- gimme my car, you little-- gimme my car, you little-- get her off, get her off! get her off, get her off! get her off, get her off! do you want me to taze you? do you want me to taze you? do you want me to taze you? we are getting a paddy wagon.
we are getting a paddy wagon.
we are getting a paddy wagon.
You are all going to go in the You are all going to go in the You are all going to go in the paddy wagon.
Jeez! No lights.
Paddy wagon.
Jeez! No lights.
Paddy wagon.
Jeez! No lights.
cowboy.
Cowboy, over here.
cowboy.
Cowboy, over here.
cowboy.
Cowboy, over here.
hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off! hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off! hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off! sir-- sir-- sir-- get him! get him! get him! I got her.
You can't-- I got her.
You can't-- I got her.
You can't-- hey! Hey! Get out-- Hey! Hey! Get out-- Hey! Hey! Get out-- she went--she's got--sir! She went--she's got--sir! She went--she's got--sir! Son of aAll right, you hold Son of aAll right, you hold Son of aAll right, you hold her.
Her.
Her.
Get the big black guy! Get the big black guy! Get the big black guy! cuff this one! cuff this one! cuff this one! no! No! no! No! no! No! pinky! pinky! pinky! I got her, I got her, I got I got her, I got her, I got I got her, I got her, I got her! I saw anita francoLast I saw anita francoLast I saw anita francoLast year.
In madrid, Spain.
She was Year.
In madrid, Spain.
She was Year.
In madrid, Spain.
She was wonderful! Do you know anita Wonderful! Do you know anita Wonderful! Do you know anita franco? Franco? Franco? I've heard, uhHeard a I've heard, uhHeard a I've heard, uhHeard a couple of her tunes.
Couple of her tunes.
Couple of her tunes.
you have, have you? II you have, have you? II you have, have you? II thought as much.
Thought as much.
Thought as much.
she's a very talented she's a very talented she's a very talented entertainer.
Entertainer.
Entertainer.
yes, she is.
She's her own yes, she is.
She's her own yes, she is.
She's her own person andGod bless her for Person andGod bless her for Person andGod bless her for it, you know? Frigging men! It, you know? Frigging men! It, you know? Frigging men! God damn stupid men! God damn stupid men! God damn stupid men! Ohh! I hate men.
Ohh! I hate men.
Ohh! I hate men.
I'm here because I'm a man, I'm here because I'm a man, I'm here because I'm a man, because of men and their laws! Because of men and their laws! Because of men and their laws! I cannot be free! I cannot be free! I cannot be free! I know what you're trying to I know what you're trying to I know what you're trying to doSpanish mike.
DoSpanish mike.
DoSpanish mike.
They told me what you did and They told me what you did and They told me what you did and they told me how you charmed and They told me how you charmed and They told me how you charmed and they told me how you flirt and They told me how you flirt and They told me how you flirt and they told me how you s-sink They told me how you s-sink They told me how you s-sink into people's brains.
Into people's brains.
Into people's brains.
if ??? Wear cutoffs if ??? Wear cutoffs if ??? Wear cutoffs and my aunts had tits my And my aunts had tits my And my aunts had tits my uncle would be myWhatever.
Uncle would be myWhatever.
Uncle would be myWhatever.
God, I hate jail! It sucks! ok, we're gonna start with ok, we're gonna start with ok, we're gonna start with our feet together, and we're Our feet together, and we're Our feet together, and we're gonna take our right hand and Gonna take our right hand and Gonna take our right hand and we're gonna bring our right We're gonna bring our right We're gonna bring our right Our right hand to our nose.
Our right hand to our nose.
Our right hand to our nose.
We're gonna go1, 2 We're gonna go1, 2 We're gonna go1, 2 Other hand.
5, 6 Other hand.
5, 6 Other hand.
5, 6 and 1, 2, 3, 4, And 1, 2, 3, 4, And 1, 2, 3, 4, Walk, 2, 3, 4, Walk, 2, 3, 4, Walk, 2, 3, 4, booty, booty, shimmy up, Booty, booty, shimmy up, Booty, booty, shimmy up, and hip, hip, hip, hip, And hip, hip, hip, hip, And hip, hip, hip, hip, roller, 6, 7, 8! Roller, 6, 7, 8! Roller, 6, 7, 8! whoo! Whoo! whoo! Whoo! whoo! Whoo! You've all passed your audition.
You've all passed your audition.
You've all passed your audition.
And you're all goin' to jail! ho! Calm down! ho! Calm down! ho! Calm down! hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey.
hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey.
hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey.
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! guys, guys, I need you for guys, guys, I need you for guys, guys, I need you for a second.
Uh-uh, lady.
Hands A second.
Uh-uh, lady.
Hands A second.
Uh-uh, lady.
Hands off.
Have you guys ever been or Off.
Have you guys ever been or Off.
Have you guys ever been or done security for a ted nugent Done security for a ted nugent Done security for a ted nugent concert before? Concert before? Concert before? no.
No, sir.
no.
No, sir.
no.
No, sir.
all right, here's some rules.
all right, here's some rules.
all right, here's some rules.
Don't ever look the nuge Don't ever look the nuge Don't ever look the nuge directly in the eye.
Don't pull Directly in the eye.
Don't pull Directly in the eye.
Don't pull on the nuge's hair.
Don't pull On the nuge's hair.
Don't pull On the nuge's hair.
Don't pull out a wrist rocket and shoot him Out a wrist rocket and shoot him Out a wrist rocket and shoot him in the face with a ball bearing In the face with a ball bearing In the face with a ball bearing like happened in 1978 in kansas Like happened in 1978 in kansas Like happened in 1978 in kansas city, all right? Don't do that! City, all right? Don't do that! City, all right? Don't do that! If he wants to talk about If he wants to talk about If he wants to talk about hunting, specifically bow Hunting, specifically bow Hunting, specifically bow hunting, get interested.
Get Hunting, get interested.
Get Hunting, get interested.
Get real interested, ok? Real interested, ok? Real interested, ok? yeah, whatever.
yeah, whatever.
yeah, whatever.
not whatever.
I need an not whatever.
I need an not whatever.
I need an affirmative on this.
Affirmative on this.
Affirmative on this.
we got it.
we got it.
we got it.
you guys, don't be a dick you guys, don't be a dick you guys, don't be a dick back here.
This is important.
Back here.
This is important.
Back here.
This is important.
This could be a career move for This could be a career move for This could be a career move for you guys.
Do you own any You guys.
Do you own any You guys.
Do you own any ted nugent albums? Ted nugent albums? Ted nugent albums? I do not have any fred nugent I do not have any fred nugent I do not have any fred nugent albums.
Albums.
Albums.
it's ted nugent, sir.
it's ted nugent, sir.
it's ted nugent, sir.
whatever.
I don't have 'em.
whatever.
I don't have 'em.
whatever.
I don't have 'em.
if the nuge, aka, ted nugent, if the nuge, aka, ted nugent, if the nuge, aka, ted nugent, asks you after this concert if Asks you after this concert if Asks you after this concert if you own some of his albums, what You own some of his albums, what You own some of his albums, what do you think you might say then? Do you think you might say then? Do you think you might say then? You might wanna say, "uh, yes, You might wanna say, "uh, yes, You might wanna say, "uh, yes, sir, I love your work, and I Sir, I love your work, and I Sir, I love your work, and I have several of your vinyl Have several of your vinyl Have several of your vinyl albums at home.
" hey, I like Albums at home.
" hey, I like Albums at home.
" hey, I like your hairstyle.
You might be Your hairstyle.
You might be Your hairstyle.
You might be asked lay it down.
Asked lay it down.
Asked lay it down.
I'm not laying down anything, I'm not laying down anything, I'm not laying down anything, sir.
I'm doin' my job.
Sir.
I'm doin' my job.
Sir.
I'm doin' my job.
maybe later on.
All right, maybe later on.
All right, maybe later on.
All right, well, here he comes.
All right, Well, here he comes.
All right, Well, here he comes.
All right, you two dumb asses, don't You two dumb asses, don't You two dumb asses, don't screw this up! This is big-time! Screw this up! This is big-time! Screw this up! This is big-time! Got it? This is the nuge! Got it? This is the nuge! Got it? This is the nuge! Here he comes.
All right! Here he comes.
All right! Here he comes.
All right! [girls screaming.]
[ted screaming.]
[ted screaming.]
[ted screaming.]
asshole.
asshole.
asshole.
asshole.
mike? mike? mike? Mike al-- Mike al-- Mike al-- holy! Jeez! Holy! Jeez! Holy! Jeez! how are you? how are you? how are you? not 'supposed to talk to ya.
not 'supposed to talk to ya.
not 'supposed to talk to ya.
everyone has spoken to me.
everyone has spoken to me.
everyone has spoken to me.
You're not breaking any rules You're not breaking any rules You're not breaking any rules or anything, believe me.
It's Or anything, believe me.
It's Or anything, believe me.
It's all very relaxed here.
It's all All very relaxed here.
It's all All very relaxed here.
It's all veryAt ease.
[laughs.]
VeryAt ease.
[laughs.]
VeryAt ease.
[laughs.]
ok.
ok.
ok.
what you guys got there, what you guys got there, what you guys got there, .
9 millimeter? .
9 millimeter? .
9 millimeter? uh, yeah, we got a beretta.
uh, yeah, we got a beretta.
uh, yeah, we got a beretta.
is that a beretta? How does is that a beretta? How does is that a beretta? How does that feel? That feel? That feel? it's a pretty light gun.
Not it's a pretty light gun.
Not it's a pretty light gun.
Not much of a kick just because it's Much of a kick just because it's Much of a kick just because it's got automatic action, but Got automatic action, but Got automatic action, but Pretty good firearm.
Pretty good firearm.
Pretty good firearm.
Yeah, see? Yeah, see? Yeah, see? oh, that's nice.
oh, that's nice.
oh, that's nice.
see how I filed it down a see how I filed it down a see how I filed it down a little bit? Little bit? Little bit? that would be too big for my that would be too big for my that would be too big for my hand.
Hand.
Hand.
no.
I don't think so.
no.
I don't think so.
no.
I don't think so.
can I feel the weight of the can I feel the weight of the can I feel the weight of the thing? Thing? Thing? yeah, it's pretty good, yeah, it's pretty good, yeah, it's pretty good, right? Right? Right? yeah, but I can't--oh, this yeah, but I can't--oh, this yeah, but I can't--oh, this is open here.
Just the weight.
Is open here.
Just the weight.
Is open here.
Just the weight.
Now, you hold on to it-- Now, you hold on to it-- Now, you hold on to it-- no, I shouldn't do it.
I no, I shouldn't do it.
I no, I shouldn't do it.
I mean, you're a prisoner and it's Mean, you're a prisoner and it's Mean, you're a prisoner and it's a gun and, you know, that-- A gun and, you know, that-- A gun and, you know, that-- put the safety on.
Put the put the safety on.
Put the put the safety on.
Put the safety on.
Make sure it's on.
Safety on.
Make sure it's on.
Safety on.
Make sure it's on.
yeah, it's on.
Don't take the yeah, it's on.
Don't take the yeah, it's on.
Don't take the safety off, though.
Safety off, though.
Safety off, though.
just the weight.
Just the just the weight.
Just the just the weight.
Just the weight.
Weight.
Weight.
feel the balance.
Balance it feel the balance.
Balance it feel the balance.
Balance it up on your finger there and you Up on your finger there and you Up on your finger there and you can feel it just like perfectly Can feel it just like perfectly Can feel it just like perfectly align.
For a cheap gun, it's not Align.
For a cheap gun, it's not Align.
For a cheap gun, it's not bad.
Bad.
Bad.
no, it's a good gun.
Listen, no, it's a good gun.
Listen, no, it's a good gun.
Listen, I took the safety off.
Nothing I took the safety off.
Nothing I took the safety off.
Nothing personal--open the door, please.
Personal--open the door, please.
Personal--open the door, please.
took the bullets out! took the bullets out! took the bullets out! Now who's inside whose head? Now who's inside whose head? Now who's inside whose head? Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! you took the bullets out? you took the bullets out? you took the bullets out? yeah, bullets are outside.
yeah, bullets are outside.
yeah, bullets are outside.
you took the bullets out? you took the bullets out? you took the bullets out? yeah, there's no way I'd come yeah, there's no way I'd come yeah, there's no way I'd come in here with bullets.
You think In here with bullets.
You think In here with bullets.
You think I'd be-- I'd be-- I'd be-- touche, my friend.
Nicely touche, my friend.
Nicely touche, my friend.
Nicely played, my friend.
Played, my friend.
Played, my friend.
gotcha.
Gotcha.
gotcha.
Gotcha.
gotcha.
Gotcha.
you got me.
You son of a you got me.
You son of a you got me.
You son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! you ain't gonna get in my you ain't gonna get in my you ain't gonna get in my head, all right? I'm just gonna Head, all right? I'm just gonna Head, all right? I'm just gonna tell you that straight up front.
Tell you that straight up front.
Tell you that straight up front.
All right? All right? All right? I respect a strong black I respect a strong black I respect a strong black woman.
Woman.
Woman.
yes, you do.
Hey.
yes, you do.
Hey.
yes, you do.
Hey.
can I tell you something? can I tell you something? can I tell you something? no, don't tell me nothin', no, don't tell me nothin', no, don't tell me nothin', 'cause I'm gonna tell you 'cause I'm gonna tell you 'cause I'm gonna tell you something.
I'm gonna tell you Something.
I'm gonna tell you Something.
I'm gonna tell you that I am like them guards that That I am like them guards that That I am like them guards that stand outside the queen's Stand outside the queen's Stand outside the queen's house, the ones with the big hat House, the ones with the big hat House, the ones with the big hat on? People be sayin' stuff, and On? People be sayin' stuff, and On? People be sayin' stuff, and they just--boom! They just--boom! They just--boom! I knew that about you.
I I knew that about you.
I I knew that about you.
I always knew that about you, Always knew that about you, Always knew that about you, williams.
I always knew that Williams.
I always knew that Williams.
I always knew that about you.
About you.
About you.
all right.
All right.
all right.
All right.
all right.
All right.
what I was going to tell you what I was going to tell you what I was going to tell you was on my mother's side, my Was on my mother's side, my Was on my mother's side, my grandmother's grandmother is Grandmother's grandmother is Grandmother's grandmother is from ghana, africa.
So I'm-- From ghana, africa.
So I'm-- From ghana, africa.
So I'm-- so you know I ain't playin' so you know I ain't playin' so you know I ain't playin' around.
Around.
Around.
I had a complete--I had a I had a complete--I had a I had a complete--I had a total scholarship for Total scholarship for Total scholarship for morehouse college when I was Morehouse college when I was Morehouse college when I was Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
[williams laughing.]
[williams laughing.]
[williams laughing.]
right?! Right?! Right?! I'm just sayin'When you do I'm just sayin'When you do I'm just sayin'When you do what you do the way you do it, What you do the way you do it, What you do the way you do it, you get respect.
You get respect.
You get respect.
preach, my nubian princess, preach, my nubian princess, preach, my nubian princess, preach! Oh! Preach! Oh! Preach! Oh! that's what I'm talkin' that's what I'm talkin' that's what I'm talkin' about! Ha ha ha! About! Ha ha ha! About! Ha ha ha! Gimme a pound on it! Gimme a Gimme a pound on it! Gimme a Gimme a pound on it! Gimme a pound on it! You're so crazy! Pound on it! You're so crazy! Pound on it! You're so crazy! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee ok.
Can you let my hand go? ok.
Can you let my hand go? ok.
Can you let my hand go? Please? Please? Please? B-brother? Ha! B-brother? Ha! B-brother? Ha! You're hurting my wrist.
You're hurting my wrist.
You're hurting my wrist.
there are many levels of there are many levels of there are many levels of pain.
You have just crossed into Pain.
You have just crossed into Pain.
You have just crossed into the welcome mat.
You have not The welcome mat.
You have not The welcome mat.
You have not even entered the door, walked Even entered the door, walked Even entered the door, walked down the hallway, and gone up Down the hallway, and gone up Down the hallway, and gone up the stairs to visit the vip The stairs to visit the vip The stairs to visit the vip rooms.
Rooms.
Rooms.
come on! For real! I'm-- come on! For real! I'm-- come on! For real! I'm-- this is foolish.
this is foolish.
this is foolish.
hey! hey! hey! oh, now you--tch! If you're oh, now you--tch! If you're oh, now you--tch! If you're going to yell sheriff's department! sheriff's department! sheriff's department! hey, terry.
hey, terry.
hey, terry.
hi! hi! hi! how's it goin' tonight? how's it goin' tonight? how's it goin' tonight? hi.
hi.
hi.
madames, excuse me.
Take a madames, excuse me.
Take a madames, excuse me.
Take a walk.
Walk.
Walk.
bye, you guys.
I'll see you bye, you guys.
I'll see you bye, you guys.
I'll see you at the party.
What's going on? At the party.
What's going on? At the party.
What's going on? what's going on is that what's going on is that what's going on is that apparently you've been doing Apparently you've been doing Apparently you've been doing People's taxes.
People's taxes.
People's taxes.
"terry bernardino, certified "terry bernardino, certified "terry bernardino, certified public accountant"? Public accountant"? Public accountant"? that's me.
At your service.
that's me.
At your service.
that's me.
At your service.
Why? Do you want me to do your Why? Do you want me to do your Why? Do you want me to do your taxes? Taxes? Taxes? when did you get your cpa? when did you get your cpa? when did you get your cpa? what's that? what's that? what's that? oh, my god, what is that? oh, my god, what is that? oh, my god, what is that? oh, is that the thing where oh, is that the thing where oh, is that the thing where somebody can't breathe and you Somebody can't breathe and you Somebody can't breathe and you give 'em cpa? Whatever.
I'll Give 'em cpa? Whatever.
I'll Give 'em cpa? Whatever.
I'll stop.
I'll just go back to being Stop.
I'll just go back to being Stop.
I'll just go back to being a doctor.
A doctor.
A doctor.
how did you even start doing how did you even start doing how did you even start doing people's taxes, terry? People's taxes, terry? People's taxes, terry? umSome guy who was not my umSome guy who was not my umSome guy who was not my boyfriend for a while Boyfriend for a while Boyfriend for a while Said he wanted me to look at his Said he wanted me to look at his Said he wanted me to look at his taxes, and I was likeMaybe I Taxes, and I was likeMaybe I Taxes, and I was likeMaybe I will, maybe I won't.
And he Will, maybe I won't.
And he Will, maybe I won't.
And he punched me in the face.
So I was Punched me in the face.
So I was Punched me in the face.
So I was like, "all right--" Like, "all right--" Like, "all right--" so you're the victim.
This is so you're the victim.
This is so you're the victim.
This is a terry story-- A terry story-- A terry story-- oh, god, there he goes again.
oh, god, there he goes again.
oh, god, there he goes again.
trudy, it's amazing.
In this trudy, it's amazing.
In this trudy, it's amazing.
In this part of terry's life, terry's Part of terry's life, terry's Part of terry's life, terry's the victim.
The victim.
The victim.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
as opposed toAs opposed to as opposed toAs opposed to as opposed toAs opposed to every other time.
This time, Every other time.
This time, Every other time.
This time, you're the victim.
You're the victim.
You're the victim.
as I recall, the last time as I recall, the last time as I recall, the last time terry was a victim was when he Terry was a victim was when he Terry was a victim was when he was giving pap smears in the Was giving pap smears in the Was giving pap smears in the back of his van.
Back of his van.
Back of his van.
yeah, remember that? yeah, remember that? yeah, remember that? so he was a victim 'cause the so he was a victim 'cause the so he was a victim 'cause the lady clamped down on him.
Lady clamped down on him.
Lady clamped down on him.
[sobbing.]
yeah! [sobbing.]
yeah! [sobbing.]
yeah! SheKicked me in the face SheKicked me in the face SheKicked me in the face come on, terry.
come on, terry.
come on, terry.
stop.
That's a curb there.
I stop.
That's a curb there.
I stop.
That's a curb there.
I can't go over it.
Can't go over it.
Can't go over it.
you can't go over it.
you can't go over it.
you can't go over it.
no.
I'll fall and hurt no.
I'll fall and hurt no.
I'll fall and hurt myself.
Myself.
Myself.
terry, I like you.
I used to terry, I like you.
I used to terry, I like you.
I used to like you.
Like you.
Like you.
thank you! What? I was in thereYou know, I I was in thereYou know, I I was in thereYou know, I had to take my shift guarding Had to take my shift guarding Had to take my shift guarding him, and I could not help Him, and I could not help Him, and I could not help feeling like"I wanna take Feeling like"I wanna take Feeling like"I wanna take off my panties.
" I could not Off my panties.
" I could not Off my panties.
" I could not shake the feeling of that, and Shake the feeling of that, and Shake the feeling of that, and then when my shift was over, I Then when my shift was over, I Then when my shift was over, I had to go peeMy panties were Had to go peeMy panties were Had to go peeMy panties were gone.
Huh? Gone.
Huh? Gone.
Huh? like lost time, like ufos.
like lost time, like ufos.
like lost time, like ufos.
Did you lose time? Did you check Did you lose time? Did you check Did you lose time? Did you check your watch? Your watch? Your watch? I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! Now, unlessUnless I just left Now, unlessUnless I just left Now, unlessUnless I just left and forgot to put something on.
And forgot to put something on.
And forgot to put something on.
But I am 99% sure that I did.
you--you--ohNo.
you--you--ohNo.
you--you--ohNo.
No.
No! No.
No! No.
No! let's go.
Come on.
let's go.
Come on.
let's go.
Come on.
I don't want to go! I don't want to go! I don't want to go! let's go.
let's go.
let's go.
you can't make me! You can't you can't make me! You can't you can't make me! You can't make me! Oh! Aah! No! [coughs.]
Make me! Oh! Aah! No! [coughs.]
Make me! Oh! Aah! No! [coughs.]
got a little paperwork for got a little paperwork for got a little paperwork for you.
You.
You.
he's all yours.
he's all yours.
he's all yours.
sign the release form right sign the release form right sign the release form right there.
There.
There.
reno sheriff's department.
reno sheriff's department.
reno sheriff's department.
thanks.
I wouldn't be thanks.
I wouldn't be thanks.
I wouldn't be surprised if your department Surprised if your department Surprised if your department gets a commendation.
Gets a commendation.
Gets a commendation.
[wheels screech.]
[wheels screech.]
[wheels screech.]
[whooping and cheering.]
The score at-- The score at-- The score at-- one-nothing.
one-nothing.
one-nothing.
one-nothing.
Hey, asshole, one-nothing.
Hey, asshole, one-nothing.
Hey, asshole, no parking here.
No parking here.
No parking here.
uh, yeah, that's the uh, yeah, that's the uh, yeah, that's the sheriff's department only.
Sheriff's department only.
Sheriff's department only.
I'm sorry.
This isn't the I'm sorry.
This isn't the I'm sorry.
This isn't the area for prisoner pickup? Area for prisoner pickup? Area for prisoner pickup? it happens to be, yes.
it happens to be, yes.
it happens to be, yes.
dynamite.
I'm agent bruce dynamite.
I'm agent bruce dynamite.
I'm agent bruce padule for a 469 pickup of a.
K.
Padule for a 469 pickup of a.
K.
Padule for a 469 pickup of a.
K.
Alverez.
Alverez.
Alverez.
you're who for what? you're who for what? you're who for what? agent bruce padule--I'm sorry agent bruce padule--I'm sorry agent bruce padule--I'm sorry about that.
469 pickup.
About that.
469 pickup.
About that.
469 pickup.
oh, you're with the fbi.
oh, you're with the fbi.
oh, you're with the fbi.
here's my license.
here's my license.
here's my license.
and you're here to and you're here to and you're here to alverez.
You need another alverez.
You need another alverez.
You need another form, that's a credit card with Form, that's a credit card with Form, that's a credit card with a picture on it.
A picture on it.
A picture on it.
pick-up pick-up pick-up we're from the fbi.
We're we're from the fbi.
We're we're from the fbi.
We're here to pick up alverez.
Here to pick up alverez.
Here to pick up alverez.
yeah, I--yeah.
Um yeah, I--yeah.
Um yeah, I--yeah.
Um The otherFellows.
The otherFellows.
The otherFellows.
I'll give you that I'll give you that I'll give you that absolutely.
absolutely.
absolutely.
and then and then and then is there a problem? is there a problem? is there a problem? no, sirree no, sirree no, sirree Here's the thing Here's the thing Here's the thing yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
he's being deloused.
he's being deloused.
he's being deloused.
mtv networks.]
Mtv networks.]
Mtv networks.]
Captioning institute Captioning institute --Www.
Ncicap.
Org.]
--Www.
Ncicap.
Org.]
think of this as, um think of this as, um think of this as, um we don't come down to imagine we don't come down to imagine we don't come down to imagine things.
We can't come to a crime Things.
We can't come to a crime Things.
We can't come to a crime scene-- Scene-- Scene-- it's a raping of it's a raping of it's a raping of verisimilitude.
It's a Verisimilitude.
It's a Verisimilitude.
It's a verisimilitude rape.
Verisimilitude rape.
Verisimilitude rape.
oh, here's our fucking oh, here's our fucking oh, here's our fucking thesaurus.
Thesaurus.
Thesaurus.
all right.
What are we all right.
What are we all right.
What are we lookin' up? Anachronism first.
Lookin' up? Anachronism first.
Lookin' up? Anachronism first.
anachronism.
Ver--vermily anachronism.
Ver--vermily anachronism.
Ver--vermily you said? You said? You said? was that a band that was like was that a band that was like was that a band that was like rush? Rush? Rush? did you have a druid say an did you have a druid say an did you have a druid say an invisibility chant on that, Invisibility chant on that, Invisibility chant on that, because I would like to see Because I would like to see Because I would like to see oh! Oh, now you're pissin' me oh! Oh, now you're pissin' me oh! Oh, now you're pissin' me off! Now you're pissin' me off, Off! Now you're pissin' me off, Off! Now you're pissin' me off, tubby!
The sierras has ever known.
The sierras has ever known.
In 24 hours' time we will hand In 24 hours' time we will hand In 24 hours' time we will hand him over to the federal bureau Him over to the federal bureau Him over to the federal bureau of investigations.
Until that Of investigations.
Until that Of investigations.
Until that time, we must be vigilant.
Watch Time, we must be vigilant.
Watch Time, we must be vigilant.
Watch your back.
Watch your partner's Your back.
Watch your partner's Your back.
Watch your partner's back.
This man is a genius.
He Back.
This man is a genius.
He Back.
This man is a genius.
He will get inside your head Will get inside your head Will get inside your head And he will find a way to And he will find a way to And he will find a way to escape.
What are we gonna do?! Escape.
What are we gonna do?! Escape.
What are we gonna do?! wash your back! wash your back! wash your back! be vigilant, sir! be vigilant, sir! be vigilant, sir! [all talking at once.]
[all talking at once.]
[all talking at once.]
don't let him see our fear! don't let him see our fear! don't let him see our fear! ok, well, here's what I ok, well, here's what I ok, well, here's what I was gonna say.
Was gonna say.
Was gonna say.
gimme an "a"! gimme an "a"! gimme an "a"! no.
Stop it.
And watch.
no.
Stop it.
And watch.
no.
Stop it.
And watch.
Not wash.
No one's washing Not wash.
No one's washing Not wash.
No one's washing anyone.
Battle stations! Anyone.
Battle stations! Anyone.
Battle stations! [cocking rifles.]
[cocking rifles.]
[cocking rifles.]
[siren bursts.]
uhh! you guys! Ha ha ha ha ha.
you guys! Ha ha ha ha ha.
you guys! Ha ha ha ha ha.
move him out! Move him move him out! Move him move him out! Move him out! Move him out! Move him out! Out! Move him out! Move him out! Out! Move him out! Move him out! Go! Go! Go! wiegel, you're with child! wiegel, you're with child! wiegel, you're with child! Oh, my gosh, you look Oh, my gosh, you look Oh, my gosh, you look You're radiant! You're radiant! You're radiant! thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
don't engage him.
Don't don't engage him.
Don't don't engage him.
Don't engage him.
Engage him.
Engage him.
those glasses are so you.
those glasses are so you.
those glasses are so you.
do not engage him.
do not engage him.
do not engage him.
thank you.
Thank--oh.
thank you.
Thank--oh.
thank you.
Thank--oh.
don't say thank you.
don't say thank you.
don't say thank you.
I just want you to know I just want you to know I just want you to know that on my part, there's no hard That on my part, there's no hard That on my part, there's no hard feelings.
mtv networks.]
good morning.
We are from good morning.
We are from good morning.
We are from the department of homeland The department of homeland The department of homeland security.
My name is captain Security.
My name is captain Security.
My name is captain duane hernandez.
Focus, people.
Duane hernandez.
Focus, people.
Duane hernandez.
Focus, people.
This is about fighting the This is about fighting the This is about fighting the terrorists.
This is the face of Terrorists.
This is the face of Terrorists.
This is the face of freedom! This is the face of Freedom! This is the face of Freedom! This is the face of freedom! Freedom! Freedom! [applause.]
[applause.]
[applause.]
we were robbed over the we were robbed over the we were robbed over the weekend.
They got away with Weekend.
They got away with Weekend.
They got away with $300,000's worth of evidence $300,000's worth of evidence $300,000's worth of evidence from the evidence room, and most From the evidence room, and most From the evidence room, and most of the phones and computers.
Of the phones and computers.
Of the phones and computers.
That person who called himself That person who called himself That person who called himself duane hernandez is apparently Duane hernandez is apparently Duane hernandez is apparently "spanish mike" alverez.
I'm just worried that I'm just worried that I'm just worried that You're gonna get in with spanish You're gonna get in with spanish You're gonna get in with spanish mike, and he's gonna talk you Mike, and he's gonna talk you Mike, and he's gonna talk you out of your panties in about 30 Out of your panties in about 30 Out of your panties in about 30 seconds flat.
Seconds flat.
Seconds flat.
jim, in fairness, it's jim, in fairness, it's jim, in fairness, it's not that hard to talk me out Not that hard to talk me out Not that hard to talk me out of my panties no matter who you Of my panties no matter who you Of my panties no matter who you are.
Are.
Are.
true.
good afternoon, good afternoon, good afternoon, detective wiegel.
[coughs.]
Detective wiegel.
[coughs.]
Detective wiegel.
[coughs.]
I have hay fever.
My--my vocal I have hay fever.
My--my vocal I have hay fever.
My--my vocal cords get affected.
Cords get affected.
Cords get affected.
are you ok? are you ok? are you ok? yes.
Oh, it's good yes.
Oh, it's good yes.
Oh, it's good to see you.
To see you.
To see you.
you, too.
you, too.
you, too.
look at you.
look at you.
look at you.
[chuckles.]
here I am.
[chuckles.]
here I am.
[chuckles.]
here I am.
wow! wow! wow! [wiegel laughs nervously.]
[wiegel laughs nervously.]
[wiegel laughs nervously.]
I'm not supposed to I'm not supposed to I'm not supposed to actually engage you in any Actually engage you in any Actually engage you in any oh, I understand.
oh, I understand.
oh, I understand.
Sort of conversation, Sort of conversation, Sort of conversation, so So So I understand.
I understand.
I understand.
hello.
Nice to see you, hello.
Nice to see you, hello.
Nice to see you, and-- And-- And-- may I show you something? may I show you something? may I show you something? You tell me if you like it.
You tell me if you like it.
You tell me if you like it.
ohIt's beautiful.
ohIt's beautiful.
ohIt's beautiful.
like--like you are.
like--like you are.
like--like you are.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
you know, wiegel, you know, wiegel, you know, wiegel, I never--I never told anyone I never--I never told anyone I never--I never told anyone this, but This, but This, but I never knew the taste of my I never knew the taste of my I never knew the taste of my mother's breast.
Mother's breast.
Mother's breast.
oh, no.
oh, no.
oh, no.
and look where I am now.
and look where I am now.
and look where I am now.
oh! oh! oh! I was fed by the I was fed by the I was fed by the village wet nurse.
Her name was Village wet nurse.
Her name was Village wet nurse.
Her name was marta, but everyone called her Marta, but everyone called her Marta, but everyone called her sarsaparilla.
She had areolas Sarsaparilla.
She had areolas Sarsaparilla.
She had areolas the size of half dollars.
The size of half dollars.
The size of half dollars.
And I bonded with her instead of And I bonded with her instead of And I bonded with her instead of my mama.
My mama.
My mama.
oh, god, that's oh, god, that's oh, god, that's heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking.
I would like another chance.
I would like another chance.
I would like another chance.
I know.
I know.
I know.
all I need is for all I need is for all I need is for you to slip the key through this You to slip the key through this You to slip the key through this little opening here.
That's all Little opening here.
That's all Little opening here.
That's all I need.
I need.
I need.
[crying.]
wiegel, help me! [crying.]
wiegel, help me! [crying.]
wiegel, help me! jim--jim said no jim--jim said no jim--jim said no talking, don't engage him, don't Talking, don't engage him, don't Talking, don't engage him, don't even look at him.
But he didn't Even look at him.
But he didn't Even look at him.
But he didn't say anything about holding Say anything about holding Say anything about holding hands.
SoQuickly.
thank you.
Can you thank you.
Can you thank you.
Can you hold something else? Hold something else? Hold something else? sure.
Oh, no.
No, no, sure.
Oh, no.
No, no, sure.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Definitely not.
sheriff's department.
sheriff's department.
sheriff's department.
Did someone call the sheriff's Did someone call the sheriff's Did someone call the sheriff's department? Hello, hello.
Department? Hello, hello.
Department? Hello, hello.
Anybody here dial 911? Anybody here dial 911? Anybody here dial 911? Sir, are you the booze Sir, are you the booze Sir, are you the booze hammer of galen? Hammer of galen? Hammer of galen? I am booze hammer of galen.
I am booze hammer of galen.
I am booze hammer of galen.
what is the nature of what is the nature of what is the nature of your emergency, sir? Your emergency, sir? Your emergency, sir? well, there's a massive well, there's a massive well, there's a massive anachronism going on down-- Anachronism going on down-- Anachronism going on down-- there's a what? there's a what? there's a what? there's a gentleman using a there's a gentleman using a there's a gentleman using a cold iron sparta, which is a Cold iron sparta, which is a Cold iron sparta, which is a circa 1195.
I believe the cutoff Circa 1195.
I believe the cutoff Circa 1195.
I believe the cutoff year here is 1095.
Year here is 1095.
Year here is 1095.
and you called the and you called the and you called the sheriff's department because of Sheriff's department because of Sheriff's department because of this? This? This? well, yes.
It's upsetting well, yes.
It's upsetting well, yes.
It's upsetting people.
It's upsetting my mount People.
It's upsetting my mount People.
It's upsetting my mount viggo, and I don't want to-- Viggo, and I don't want to-- Viggo, and I don't want to-- out of date of your out of date of your out of date of your little make-me-up play.
Little make-me-up play.
Little make-me-up play.
How'd you call us? How'd you call us? How'd you call us? I used a scrawing device.
I used a scrawing device.
I used a scrawing device.
Um Um Um what is a scrawing what is a scrawing what is a scrawing device, sir? Device, sir? Device, sir? [softly moaning.]
sorry.
[softly moaning.]
sorry.
[softly moaning.]
sorry.
UhhUhh UhhUhh UhhUhh are you ok? are you ok? are you ok? my scrawing device is on my scrawing device is on my scrawing device is on vibrate.
I must've been Vibrate.
I must've been Vibrate.
I must've been getting-- Getting-- Getting-- he's using a cell phone! he's using a cell phone! he's using a cell phone! You used a cellular telephone.
You used a cellular telephone.
You used a cellular telephone.
I--I refer to it as a I--I refer to it as a I--I refer to it as a scrawing deviceThat I use Scrawing deviceThat I use Scrawing deviceThat I use to-- To-- To-- why? Why? why? Why? why? Why? because we are in the year because we are in the year because we are in the year now you're pissin' me now you're pissin' me now you're pissin' me off, tubby! Off, tubby! Off, tubby! I--no.
This is-- I--no.
This is-- I--no.
This is-- ok, I got a question.
ok, I got a question.
ok, I got a question.
this is my winter fat that this is my winter fat that this is my winter fat that I have not--I have not had I have not--I have not had I have not--I have not had enough jousting to work off my Enough jousting to work off my Enough jousting to work off my winter fat.
Winter fat.
Winter fat.
it's August.
it's August.
it's August.
the cotton candy ain't the cotton candy ain't the cotton candy ain't helpin', either, bro.
Helpin', either, bro.
Helpin', either, bro.
this is--this is spun this is--this is spun this is--this is spun sugar.
They had this in 1095.
Sugar.
They had this in 1095.
Sugar.
They had this in 1095.
Viggo? You know what? Viggo and Viggo? You know what? Viggo and Viggo? You know what? Viggo and I are leaving.
I are leaving.
I are leaving.
no, you're not.
You're no, you're not.
You're no, you're not.
You're coming with us now.
Coming with us now.
Coming with us now.
viggo, let's go.
viggo, let's go.
viggo, let's go.
get him stabled in.
Get get him stabled in.
Get get him stabled in.
Get him stabled in.
Him stabled in.
Him stabled in.
no.
Let's get some no.
Let's get some no.
Let's get some pretzeled bread.
Pretzeled bread.
Pretzeled bread.
would you just fucking would you just fucking would you just fucking say pretzel?! It's not Say pretzel?! It's not Say pretzel?! It's not "pretzeled bread.
" "pretzeled bread.
" "pretzeled bread.
" it's not "pretzeled it's not "pretzeled it's not "pretzeled bread.
" it's a fucking pretzel.
Bread.
" it's a fucking pretzel.
Bread.
" it's a fucking pretzel.
you're gonna get an angry you're gonna get an angry you're gonna get an angry couplet.
Are you ready? Couplet.
Are you ready? Couplet.
Are you ready? go.
Fire away.
go.
Fire away.
go.
Fire away.
in mirrored pools which in mirrored pools which in mirrored pools which cover your eyes, and frightening Cover your eyes, and frightening Cover your eyes, and frightening is the fur on your skinny Is the fur on your skinny Is the fur on your skinny thighs.
I think I've put-- Thighs.
I think I've put-- Thighs.
I think I've put-- get down! Get down off get down! Get down off get down! Get down off that burro! That burro! That burro! viggo.
Viggo.
Viggo! Mom! viggo.
Viggo.
Viggo! Mom! viggo.
Viggo.
Viggo! Mom! get off the donkey.
get off the donkey.
get off the donkey.
mom! Listen mom! Listen mom! Listen your mom can't help you your mom can't help you your mom can't help you now.
Now.
Now.
I'm being taken to the I'm being taken to the I'm being taken to the future.
But I will return Future.
But I will return Future.
But I will return with--I'll return with medicine! With--I'll return with medicine! With--I'll return with medicine! no, he won't.
no, he won't.
no, he won't.
I will bring medicine! I will bring medicine! I will bring medicine! he'll return in a delorean he'll return in a delorean he'll return in a delorean with doc brown.
How 'bout that? With doc brown.
How 'bout that? With doc brown.
How 'bout that? oh, that's really funny.
oh, that's really funny.
oh, that's really funny.
You should be in the jester You should be in the jester You should be in the jester booth.
[kids all shouting.]
[kids all shouting.]
[kids all shouting.]
thank you, everybody.
thank you, everybody.
thank you, everybody.
My name is deputy kimball, and My name is deputy kimball, and My name is deputy kimball, and I--all right, everybody settle I--all right, everybody settle I--all right, everybody settle down now.
Hey! Down now.
Hey! Down now.
Hey! on the count of 3, I want on the count of 3, I want on the count of 3, I want quiet.
Quiet.
Quiet.
123.
123.
123.
[kids still making noise.]
[kids still making noise.]
[kids still making noise.]
everybody just settle everybody just settle everybody just settle down.
Now, I'm--I'm serious.
Down.
Now, I'm--I'm serious.
Down.
Now, I'm--I'm serious.
Now, if y'all don't--if y'all Now, if y'all don't--if y'all Now, if y'all don't--if y'all don't want detention, if you Don't want detention, if you Don't want detention, if you know what's good--now, you, Know what's good--now, you, Know what's good--now, you, especially.
I want you to be Especially.
I want you to be Especially.
I want you to be quiet right now! Now, stop it! Quiet right now! Now, stop it! Quiet right now! Now, stop it! Everybody shut up! Everybody shut up! Everybody shut up! [kids go silent.]
[kids go silent.]
[kids go silent.]
well, all right.
Well, all right.
Well, all right.
[pleasantly.]
my name is deputy [pleasantly.]
my name is deputy [pleasantly.]
my name is deputy kimball.
It's very good to meet Kimball.
It's very good to meet Kimball.
It's very good to meet you all.
How are you all doin' You all.
How are you all doin' You all.
How are you all doin' today? Today? Today? [siren.]
jeez, debbie, our jeez, debbie, our jeez, debbie, our relationship is really becoming Relationship is really becoming Relationship is really becoming good.
I think it's time for us Good.
I think it's time for us Good.
I think it's time for us to move on to sex and To move on to sex and To move on to sex and intercourse.
Intercourse.
Intercourse.
I agree, which makes it I agree, which makes it I agree, which makes it consensual, so there's no Consensual, so there's no Consensual, so there's no problem, although you do look a Problem, although you do look a Problem, although you do look a little young to me.
Little young to me.
Little young to me.
[siren.]
[siren.]
[siren.]
freeze! Never have sex with freeze! Never have sex with freeze! Never have sex with anyone until you see a Anyone until you see a Anyone until you see a government issued I.
D.
With Government issued I.
D.
With Government issued I.
D.
With their birth date on it.
Anyone Their birth date on it.
Anyone Their birth date on it.
Anyone you're having sex with should be You're having sex with should be You're having sex with should be born before today's date in Born before today's date in Born before today's date in 1990.
1990.
1990.
do the math.
do the math.
do the math.
Or get yourself some sheriff's Or get yourself some sheriff's Or get yourself some sheriff's department bling-bling.
[horn honking.]
[horn honking.]
[horn honking.]
uh-ohUh-oh uh-ohUh-oh uh-ohUh-oh wait! Stop!! wait! Stop!! wait! Stop!! nice! Nice one, ma'am.
nice! Nice one, ma'am.
nice! Nice one, ma'am.
Do you wanna step out of the Do you wanna step out of the Do you wanna step out of the car? Can I see your license? Car? Can I see your license? Car? Can I see your license? I don't drink.
I don't drink.
I don't drink.
none of these people drink none of these people drink none of these people drink either, and yet-- Either, and yet-- Either, and yet-- I don't drink alcohol! I don't drink alcohol! I don't drink alcohol! I don't even drink, ok? I'm just I don't even drink, ok? I'm just I don't even drink, ok? I'm just out of the program, and I do not Out of the program, and I do not Out of the program, and I do not drink.
OkThis way.
Drink.
OkThis way.
Drink.
OkThis way.
arms out.
arms out.
arms out.
you have a little bit of a you have a little bit of a you have a little bit of a camel toe, miss.
Camel toe, miss.
Camel toe, miss.
I know! But I don't make I know! But I don't make I know! But I don't make these uniforms! You're a little These uniforms! You're a little These uniforms! You're a little belligerent, ma'am.
Belligerent, ma'am.
Belligerent, ma'am.
I'm not belligerent! I'm I'm not belligerent! I'm I'm not belligerent! I'm angry.
I feel victimized! By Angry.
I feel victimized! By Angry.
I feel victimized! By you, blondie! You, blondie! You, blondie! you smell like a winery.
you smell like a winery.
you smell like a winery.
that's because I had a cold that's because I had a cold that's because I had a cold and I took something for it.
And I took something for it.
And I took something for it.
you took some wine? you took some wine? you took some wine? no, a took a cough syrup no, a took a cough syrup no, a took a cough syrup tank.
Tank.
Tank.
ma'am, you can get your purse ma'am, you can get your purse ma'am, you can get your purse and go in there with the other And go in there with the other And go in there with the other drunks.
Drunks.
Drunks.
susan? susan? susan? I'm not drunk, I said! I'm not drunk, I said! I'm not drunk, I said! get your purse and go over get your purse and go over get your purse and go over here.
Seize the vehicle.
Here.
Seize the vehicle.
Here.
Seize the vehicle.
no! no! no! yes! yes! yes! no! [pounds on hood.]
no! [pounds on hood.]
no! [pounds on hood.]
get her off, get her off, get get her off, get her off, get get her off, get her off, get her off, get her off! Her off, get her off! Her off, get her off! gimme my car, you little-- gimme my car, you little-- gimme my car, you little-- get her off, get her off! get her off, get her off! get her off, get her off! do you want me to taze you? do you want me to taze you? do you want me to taze you? we are getting a paddy wagon.
we are getting a paddy wagon.
we are getting a paddy wagon.
You are all going to go in the You are all going to go in the You are all going to go in the paddy wagon.
Jeez! No lights.
Paddy wagon.
Jeez! No lights.
Paddy wagon.
Jeez! No lights.
cowboy.
Cowboy, over here.
cowboy.
Cowboy, over here.
cowboy.
Cowboy, over here.
hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off! hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off! hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off! sir-- sir-- sir-- get him! get him! get him! I got her.
You can't-- I got her.
You can't-- I got her.
You can't-- hey! Hey! Get out-- Hey! Hey! Get out-- Hey! Hey! Get out-- she went--she's got--sir! She went--she's got--sir! She went--she's got--sir! Son of aAll right, you hold Son of aAll right, you hold Son of aAll right, you hold her.
Her.
Her.
Get the big black guy! Get the big black guy! Get the big black guy! cuff this one! cuff this one! cuff this one! no! No! no! No! no! No! pinky! pinky! pinky! I got her, I got her, I got I got her, I got her, I got I got her, I got her, I got her! I saw anita francoLast I saw anita francoLast I saw anita francoLast year.
In madrid, Spain.
She was Year.
In madrid, Spain.
She was Year.
In madrid, Spain.
She was wonderful! Do you know anita Wonderful! Do you know anita Wonderful! Do you know anita franco? Franco? Franco? I've heard, uhHeard a I've heard, uhHeard a I've heard, uhHeard a couple of her tunes.
Couple of her tunes.
Couple of her tunes.
you have, have you? II you have, have you? II you have, have you? II thought as much.
Thought as much.
Thought as much.
she's a very talented she's a very talented she's a very talented entertainer.
Entertainer.
Entertainer.
yes, she is.
She's her own yes, she is.
She's her own yes, she is.
She's her own person andGod bless her for Person andGod bless her for Person andGod bless her for it, you know? Frigging men! It, you know? Frigging men! It, you know? Frigging men! God damn stupid men! God damn stupid men! God damn stupid men! Ohh! I hate men.
Ohh! I hate men.
Ohh! I hate men.
I'm here because I'm a man, I'm here because I'm a man, I'm here because I'm a man, because of men and their laws! Because of men and their laws! Because of men and their laws! I cannot be free! I cannot be free! I cannot be free! I know what you're trying to I know what you're trying to I know what you're trying to doSpanish mike.
DoSpanish mike.
DoSpanish mike.
They told me what you did and They told me what you did and They told me what you did and they told me how you charmed and They told me how you charmed and They told me how you charmed and they told me how you flirt and They told me how you flirt and They told me how you flirt and they told me how you s-sink They told me how you s-sink They told me how you s-sink into people's brains.
Into people's brains.
Into people's brains.
if ??? Wear cutoffs if ??? Wear cutoffs if ??? Wear cutoffs and my aunts had tits my And my aunts had tits my And my aunts had tits my uncle would be myWhatever.
Uncle would be myWhatever.
Uncle would be myWhatever.
God, I hate jail! It sucks! ok, we're gonna start with ok, we're gonna start with ok, we're gonna start with our feet together, and we're Our feet together, and we're Our feet together, and we're gonna take our right hand and Gonna take our right hand and Gonna take our right hand and we're gonna bring our right We're gonna bring our right We're gonna bring our right Our right hand to our nose.
Our right hand to our nose.
Our right hand to our nose.
We're gonna go1, 2 We're gonna go1, 2 We're gonna go1, 2 Other hand.
5, 6 Other hand.
5, 6 Other hand.
5, 6 and 1, 2, 3, 4, And 1, 2, 3, 4, And 1, 2, 3, 4, Walk, 2, 3, 4, Walk, 2, 3, 4, Walk, 2, 3, 4, booty, booty, shimmy up, Booty, booty, shimmy up, Booty, booty, shimmy up, and hip, hip, hip, hip, And hip, hip, hip, hip, And hip, hip, hip, hip, roller, 6, 7, 8! Roller, 6, 7, 8! Roller, 6, 7, 8! whoo! Whoo! whoo! Whoo! whoo! Whoo! You've all passed your audition.
You've all passed your audition.
You've all passed your audition.
And you're all goin' to jail! ho! Calm down! ho! Calm down! ho! Calm down! hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey.
hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey.
hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey.
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! guys, guys, I need you for guys, guys, I need you for guys, guys, I need you for a second.
Uh-uh, lady.
Hands A second.
Uh-uh, lady.
Hands A second.
Uh-uh, lady.
Hands off.
Have you guys ever been or Off.
Have you guys ever been or Off.
Have you guys ever been or done security for a ted nugent Done security for a ted nugent Done security for a ted nugent concert before? Concert before? Concert before? no.
No, sir.
no.
No, sir.
no.
No, sir.
all right, here's some rules.
all right, here's some rules.
all right, here's some rules.
Don't ever look the nuge Don't ever look the nuge Don't ever look the nuge directly in the eye.
Don't pull Directly in the eye.
Don't pull Directly in the eye.
Don't pull on the nuge's hair.
Don't pull On the nuge's hair.
Don't pull On the nuge's hair.
Don't pull out a wrist rocket and shoot him Out a wrist rocket and shoot him Out a wrist rocket and shoot him in the face with a ball bearing In the face with a ball bearing In the face with a ball bearing like happened in 1978 in kansas Like happened in 1978 in kansas Like happened in 1978 in kansas city, all right? Don't do that! City, all right? Don't do that! City, all right? Don't do that! If he wants to talk about If he wants to talk about If he wants to talk about hunting, specifically bow Hunting, specifically bow Hunting, specifically bow hunting, get interested.
Get Hunting, get interested.
Get Hunting, get interested.
Get real interested, ok? Real interested, ok? Real interested, ok? yeah, whatever.
yeah, whatever.
yeah, whatever.
not whatever.
I need an not whatever.
I need an not whatever.
I need an affirmative on this.
Affirmative on this.
Affirmative on this.
we got it.
we got it.
we got it.
you guys, don't be a dick you guys, don't be a dick you guys, don't be a dick back here.
This is important.
Back here.
This is important.
Back here.
This is important.
This could be a career move for This could be a career move for This could be a career move for you guys.
Do you own any You guys.
Do you own any You guys.
Do you own any ted nugent albums? Ted nugent albums? Ted nugent albums? I do not have any fred nugent I do not have any fred nugent I do not have any fred nugent albums.
Albums.
Albums.
it's ted nugent, sir.
it's ted nugent, sir.
it's ted nugent, sir.
whatever.
I don't have 'em.
whatever.
I don't have 'em.
whatever.
I don't have 'em.
if the nuge, aka, ted nugent, if the nuge, aka, ted nugent, if the nuge, aka, ted nugent, asks you after this concert if Asks you after this concert if Asks you after this concert if you own some of his albums, what You own some of his albums, what You own some of his albums, what do you think you might say then? Do you think you might say then? Do you think you might say then? You might wanna say, "uh, yes, You might wanna say, "uh, yes, You might wanna say, "uh, yes, sir, I love your work, and I Sir, I love your work, and I Sir, I love your work, and I have several of your vinyl Have several of your vinyl Have several of your vinyl albums at home.
" hey, I like Albums at home.
" hey, I like Albums at home.
" hey, I like your hairstyle.
You might be Your hairstyle.
You might be Your hairstyle.
You might be asked lay it down.
Asked lay it down.
Asked lay it down.
I'm not laying down anything, I'm not laying down anything, I'm not laying down anything, sir.
I'm doin' my job.
Sir.
I'm doin' my job.
Sir.
I'm doin' my job.
maybe later on.
All right, maybe later on.
All right, maybe later on.
All right, well, here he comes.
All right, Well, here he comes.
All right, Well, here he comes.
All right, you two dumb asses, don't You two dumb asses, don't You two dumb asses, don't screw this up! This is big-time! Screw this up! This is big-time! Screw this up! This is big-time! Got it? This is the nuge! Got it? This is the nuge! Got it? This is the nuge! Here he comes.
All right! Here he comes.
All right! Here he comes.
All right! [girls screaming.]
[ted screaming.]
[ted screaming.]
[ted screaming.]
asshole.
asshole.
asshole.
asshole.
mike? mike? mike? Mike al-- Mike al-- Mike al-- holy! Jeez! Holy! Jeez! Holy! Jeez! how are you? how are you? how are you? not 'supposed to talk to ya.
not 'supposed to talk to ya.
not 'supposed to talk to ya.
everyone has spoken to me.
everyone has spoken to me.
everyone has spoken to me.
You're not breaking any rules You're not breaking any rules You're not breaking any rules or anything, believe me.
It's Or anything, believe me.
It's Or anything, believe me.
It's all very relaxed here.
It's all All very relaxed here.
It's all All very relaxed here.
It's all veryAt ease.
[laughs.]
VeryAt ease.
[laughs.]
VeryAt ease.
[laughs.]
ok.
ok.
ok.
what you guys got there, what you guys got there, what you guys got there, .
9 millimeter? .
9 millimeter? .
9 millimeter? uh, yeah, we got a beretta.
uh, yeah, we got a beretta.
uh, yeah, we got a beretta.
is that a beretta? How does is that a beretta? How does is that a beretta? How does that feel? That feel? That feel? it's a pretty light gun.
Not it's a pretty light gun.
Not it's a pretty light gun.
Not much of a kick just because it's Much of a kick just because it's Much of a kick just because it's got automatic action, but Got automatic action, but Got automatic action, but Pretty good firearm.
Pretty good firearm.
Pretty good firearm.
Yeah, see? Yeah, see? Yeah, see? oh, that's nice.
oh, that's nice.
oh, that's nice.
see how I filed it down a see how I filed it down a see how I filed it down a little bit? Little bit? Little bit? that would be too big for my that would be too big for my that would be too big for my hand.
Hand.
Hand.
no.
I don't think so.
no.
I don't think so.
no.
I don't think so.
can I feel the weight of the can I feel the weight of the can I feel the weight of the thing? Thing? Thing? yeah, it's pretty good, yeah, it's pretty good, yeah, it's pretty good, right? Right? Right? yeah, but I can't--oh, this yeah, but I can't--oh, this yeah, but I can't--oh, this is open here.
Just the weight.
Is open here.
Just the weight.
Is open here.
Just the weight.
Now, you hold on to it-- Now, you hold on to it-- Now, you hold on to it-- no, I shouldn't do it.
I no, I shouldn't do it.
I no, I shouldn't do it.
I mean, you're a prisoner and it's Mean, you're a prisoner and it's Mean, you're a prisoner and it's a gun and, you know, that-- A gun and, you know, that-- A gun and, you know, that-- put the safety on.
Put the put the safety on.
Put the put the safety on.
Put the safety on.
Make sure it's on.
Safety on.
Make sure it's on.
Safety on.
Make sure it's on.
yeah, it's on.
Don't take the yeah, it's on.
Don't take the yeah, it's on.
Don't take the safety off, though.
Safety off, though.
Safety off, though.
just the weight.
Just the just the weight.
Just the just the weight.
Just the weight.
Weight.
Weight.
feel the balance.
Balance it feel the balance.
Balance it feel the balance.
Balance it up on your finger there and you Up on your finger there and you Up on your finger there and you can feel it just like perfectly Can feel it just like perfectly Can feel it just like perfectly align.
For a cheap gun, it's not Align.
For a cheap gun, it's not Align.
For a cheap gun, it's not bad.
Bad.
Bad.
no, it's a good gun.
Listen, no, it's a good gun.
Listen, no, it's a good gun.
Listen, I took the safety off.
Nothing I took the safety off.
Nothing I took the safety off.
Nothing personal--open the door, please.
Personal--open the door, please.
Personal--open the door, please.
took the bullets out! took the bullets out! took the bullets out! Now who's inside whose head? Now who's inside whose head? Now who's inside whose head? Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! you took the bullets out? you took the bullets out? you took the bullets out? yeah, bullets are outside.
yeah, bullets are outside.
yeah, bullets are outside.
you took the bullets out? you took the bullets out? you took the bullets out? yeah, there's no way I'd come yeah, there's no way I'd come yeah, there's no way I'd come in here with bullets.
You think In here with bullets.
You think In here with bullets.
You think I'd be-- I'd be-- I'd be-- touche, my friend.
Nicely touche, my friend.
Nicely touche, my friend.
Nicely played, my friend.
Played, my friend.
Played, my friend.
gotcha.
Gotcha.
gotcha.
Gotcha.
gotcha.
Gotcha.
you got me.
You son of a you got me.
You son of a you got me.
You son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! you ain't gonna get in my you ain't gonna get in my you ain't gonna get in my head, all right? I'm just gonna Head, all right? I'm just gonna Head, all right? I'm just gonna tell you that straight up front.
Tell you that straight up front.
Tell you that straight up front.
All right? All right? All right? I respect a strong black I respect a strong black I respect a strong black woman.
Woman.
Woman.
yes, you do.
Hey.
yes, you do.
Hey.
yes, you do.
Hey.
can I tell you something? can I tell you something? can I tell you something? no, don't tell me nothin', no, don't tell me nothin', no, don't tell me nothin', 'cause I'm gonna tell you 'cause I'm gonna tell you 'cause I'm gonna tell you something.
I'm gonna tell you Something.
I'm gonna tell you Something.
I'm gonna tell you that I am like them guards that That I am like them guards that That I am like them guards that stand outside the queen's Stand outside the queen's Stand outside the queen's house, the ones with the big hat House, the ones with the big hat House, the ones with the big hat on? People be sayin' stuff, and On? People be sayin' stuff, and On? People be sayin' stuff, and they just--boom! They just--boom! They just--boom! I knew that about you.
I I knew that about you.
I I knew that about you.
I always knew that about you, Always knew that about you, Always knew that about you, williams.
I always knew that Williams.
I always knew that Williams.
I always knew that about you.
About you.
About you.
all right.
All right.
all right.
All right.
all right.
All right.
what I was going to tell you what I was going to tell you what I was going to tell you was on my mother's side, my Was on my mother's side, my Was on my mother's side, my grandmother's grandmother is Grandmother's grandmother is Grandmother's grandmother is from ghana, africa.
So I'm-- From ghana, africa.
So I'm-- From ghana, africa.
So I'm-- so you know I ain't playin' so you know I ain't playin' so you know I ain't playin' around.
Around.
Around.
I had a complete--I had a I had a complete--I had a I had a complete--I had a total scholarship for Total scholarship for Total scholarship for morehouse college when I was Morehouse college when I was Morehouse college when I was Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
[williams laughing.]
[williams laughing.]
[williams laughing.]
right?! Right?! Right?! I'm just sayin'When you do I'm just sayin'When you do I'm just sayin'When you do what you do the way you do it, What you do the way you do it, What you do the way you do it, you get respect.
You get respect.
You get respect.
preach, my nubian princess, preach, my nubian princess, preach, my nubian princess, preach! Oh! Preach! Oh! Preach! Oh! that's what I'm talkin' that's what I'm talkin' that's what I'm talkin' about! Ha ha ha! About! Ha ha ha! About! Ha ha ha! Gimme a pound on it! Gimme a Gimme a pound on it! Gimme a Gimme a pound on it! Gimme a pound on it! You're so crazy! Pound on it! You're so crazy! Pound on it! You're so crazy! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee ok.
Can you let my hand go? ok.
Can you let my hand go? ok.
Can you let my hand go? Please? Please? Please? B-brother? Ha! B-brother? Ha! B-brother? Ha! You're hurting my wrist.
You're hurting my wrist.
You're hurting my wrist.
there are many levels of there are many levels of there are many levels of pain.
You have just crossed into Pain.
You have just crossed into Pain.
You have just crossed into the welcome mat.
You have not The welcome mat.
You have not The welcome mat.
You have not even entered the door, walked Even entered the door, walked Even entered the door, walked down the hallway, and gone up Down the hallway, and gone up Down the hallway, and gone up the stairs to visit the vip The stairs to visit the vip The stairs to visit the vip rooms.
Rooms.
Rooms.
come on! For real! I'm-- come on! For real! I'm-- come on! For real! I'm-- this is foolish.
this is foolish.
this is foolish.
hey! hey! hey! oh, now you--tch! If you're oh, now you--tch! If you're oh, now you--tch! If you're going to yell sheriff's department! sheriff's department! sheriff's department! hey, terry.
hey, terry.
hey, terry.
hi! hi! hi! how's it goin' tonight? how's it goin' tonight? how's it goin' tonight? hi.
hi.
hi.
madames, excuse me.
Take a madames, excuse me.
Take a madames, excuse me.
Take a walk.
Walk.
Walk.
bye, you guys.
I'll see you bye, you guys.
I'll see you bye, you guys.
I'll see you at the party.
What's going on? At the party.
What's going on? At the party.
What's going on? what's going on is that what's going on is that what's going on is that apparently you've been doing Apparently you've been doing Apparently you've been doing People's taxes.
People's taxes.
People's taxes.
"terry bernardino, certified "terry bernardino, certified "terry bernardino, certified public accountant"? Public accountant"? Public accountant"? that's me.
At your service.
that's me.
At your service.
that's me.
At your service.
Why? Do you want me to do your Why? Do you want me to do your Why? Do you want me to do your taxes? Taxes? Taxes? when did you get your cpa? when did you get your cpa? when did you get your cpa? what's that? what's that? what's that? oh, my god, what is that? oh, my god, what is that? oh, my god, what is that? oh, is that the thing where oh, is that the thing where oh, is that the thing where somebody can't breathe and you Somebody can't breathe and you Somebody can't breathe and you give 'em cpa? Whatever.
I'll Give 'em cpa? Whatever.
I'll Give 'em cpa? Whatever.
I'll stop.
I'll just go back to being Stop.
I'll just go back to being Stop.
I'll just go back to being a doctor.
A doctor.
A doctor.
how did you even start doing how did you even start doing how did you even start doing people's taxes, terry? People's taxes, terry? People's taxes, terry? umSome guy who was not my umSome guy who was not my umSome guy who was not my boyfriend for a while Boyfriend for a while Boyfriend for a while Said he wanted me to look at his Said he wanted me to look at his Said he wanted me to look at his taxes, and I was likeMaybe I Taxes, and I was likeMaybe I Taxes, and I was likeMaybe I will, maybe I won't.
And he Will, maybe I won't.
And he Will, maybe I won't.
And he punched me in the face.
So I was Punched me in the face.
So I was Punched me in the face.
So I was like, "all right--" Like, "all right--" Like, "all right--" so you're the victim.
This is so you're the victim.
This is so you're the victim.
This is a terry story-- A terry story-- A terry story-- oh, god, there he goes again.
oh, god, there he goes again.
oh, god, there he goes again.
trudy, it's amazing.
In this trudy, it's amazing.
In this trudy, it's amazing.
In this part of terry's life, terry's Part of terry's life, terry's Part of terry's life, terry's the victim.
The victim.
The victim.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
as opposed toAs opposed to as opposed toAs opposed to as opposed toAs opposed to every other time.
This time, Every other time.
This time, Every other time.
This time, you're the victim.
You're the victim.
You're the victim.
as I recall, the last time as I recall, the last time as I recall, the last time terry was a victim was when he Terry was a victim was when he Terry was a victim was when he was giving pap smears in the Was giving pap smears in the Was giving pap smears in the back of his van.
Back of his van.
Back of his van.
yeah, remember that? yeah, remember that? yeah, remember that? so he was a victim 'cause the so he was a victim 'cause the so he was a victim 'cause the lady clamped down on him.
Lady clamped down on him.
Lady clamped down on him.
[sobbing.]
yeah! [sobbing.]
yeah! [sobbing.]
yeah! SheKicked me in the face SheKicked me in the face SheKicked me in the face come on, terry.
come on, terry.
come on, terry.
stop.
That's a curb there.
I stop.
That's a curb there.
I stop.
That's a curb there.
I can't go over it.
Can't go over it.
Can't go over it.
you can't go over it.
you can't go over it.
you can't go over it.
no.
I'll fall and hurt no.
I'll fall and hurt no.
I'll fall and hurt myself.
Myself.
Myself.
terry, I like you.
I used to terry, I like you.
I used to terry, I like you.
I used to like you.
Like you.
Like you.
thank you! What? I was in thereYou know, I I was in thereYou know, I I was in thereYou know, I had to take my shift guarding Had to take my shift guarding Had to take my shift guarding him, and I could not help Him, and I could not help Him, and I could not help feeling like"I wanna take Feeling like"I wanna take Feeling like"I wanna take off my panties.
" I could not Off my panties.
" I could not Off my panties.
" I could not shake the feeling of that, and Shake the feeling of that, and Shake the feeling of that, and then when my shift was over, I Then when my shift was over, I Then when my shift was over, I had to go peeMy panties were Had to go peeMy panties were Had to go peeMy panties were gone.
Huh? Gone.
Huh? Gone.
Huh? like lost time, like ufos.
like lost time, like ufos.
like lost time, like ufos.
Did you lose time? Did you check Did you lose time? Did you check Did you lose time? Did you check your watch? Your watch? Your watch? I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! Now, unlessUnless I just left Now, unlessUnless I just left Now, unlessUnless I just left and forgot to put something on.
And forgot to put something on.
And forgot to put something on.
But I am 99% sure that I did.
you--you--ohNo.
you--you--ohNo.
you--you--ohNo.
No.
No! No.
No! No.
No! let's go.
Come on.
let's go.
Come on.
let's go.
Come on.
I don't want to go! I don't want to go! I don't want to go! let's go.
let's go.
let's go.
you can't make me! You can't you can't make me! You can't you can't make me! You can't make me! Oh! Aah! No! [coughs.]
Make me! Oh! Aah! No! [coughs.]
Make me! Oh! Aah! No! [coughs.]
got a little paperwork for got a little paperwork for got a little paperwork for you.
You.
You.
he's all yours.
he's all yours.
he's all yours.
sign the release form right sign the release form right sign the release form right there.
There.
There.
reno sheriff's department.
reno sheriff's department.
reno sheriff's department.
thanks.
I wouldn't be thanks.
I wouldn't be thanks.
I wouldn't be surprised if your department Surprised if your department Surprised if your department gets a commendation.
Gets a commendation.
Gets a commendation.
[wheels screech.]
[wheels screech.]
[wheels screech.]
[whooping and cheering.]
The score at-- The score at-- The score at-- one-nothing.
one-nothing.
one-nothing.
one-nothing.
Hey, asshole, one-nothing.
Hey, asshole, one-nothing.
Hey, asshole, no parking here.
No parking here.
No parking here.
uh, yeah, that's the uh, yeah, that's the uh, yeah, that's the sheriff's department only.
Sheriff's department only.
Sheriff's department only.
I'm sorry.
This isn't the I'm sorry.
This isn't the I'm sorry.
This isn't the area for prisoner pickup? Area for prisoner pickup? Area for prisoner pickup? it happens to be, yes.
it happens to be, yes.
it happens to be, yes.
dynamite.
I'm agent bruce dynamite.
I'm agent bruce dynamite.
I'm agent bruce padule for a 469 pickup of a.
K.
Padule for a 469 pickup of a.
K.
Padule for a 469 pickup of a.
K.
Alverez.
Alverez.
Alverez.
you're who for what? you're who for what? you're who for what? agent bruce padule--I'm sorry agent bruce padule--I'm sorry agent bruce padule--I'm sorry about that.
469 pickup.
About that.
469 pickup.
About that.
469 pickup.
oh, you're with the fbi.
oh, you're with the fbi.
oh, you're with the fbi.
here's my license.
here's my license.
here's my license.
and you're here to and you're here to and you're here to alverez.
You need another alverez.
You need another alverez.
You need another form, that's a credit card with Form, that's a credit card with Form, that's a credit card with a picture on it.
A picture on it.
A picture on it.
pick-up pick-up pick-up we're from the fbi.
We're we're from the fbi.
We're we're from the fbi.
We're here to pick up alverez.
Here to pick up alverez.
Here to pick up alverez.
yeah, I--yeah.
Um yeah, I--yeah.
Um yeah, I--yeah.
Um The otherFellows.
The otherFellows.
The otherFellows.
I'll give you that I'll give you that I'll give you that absolutely.
absolutely.
absolutely.
and then and then and then is there a problem? is there a problem? is there a problem? no, sirree no, sirree no, sirree Here's the thing Here's the thing Here's the thing yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
he's being deloused.
he's being deloused.
he's being deloused.
mtv networks.]
Mtv networks.]
Mtv networks.]
Captioning institute Captioning institute --Www.
Ncicap.
Org.]
--Www.
Ncicap.
Org.]
think of this as, um think of this as, um think of this as, um we don't come down to imagine we don't come down to imagine we don't come down to imagine things.
We can't come to a crime Things.
We can't come to a crime Things.
We can't come to a crime scene-- Scene-- Scene-- it's a raping of it's a raping of it's a raping of verisimilitude.
It's a Verisimilitude.
It's a Verisimilitude.
It's a verisimilitude rape.
Verisimilitude rape.
Verisimilitude rape.
oh, here's our fucking oh, here's our fucking oh, here's our fucking thesaurus.
Thesaurus.
Thesaurus.
all right.
What are we all right.
What are we all right.
What are we lookin' up? Anachronism first.
Lookin' up? Anachronism first.
Lookin' up? Anachronism first.
anachronism.
Ver--vermily anachronism.
Ver--vermily anachronism.
Ver--vermily you said? You said? You said? was that a band that was like was that a band that was like was that a band that was like rush? Rush? Rush? did you have a druid say an did you have a druid say an did you have a druid say an invisibility chant on that, Invisibility chant on that, Invisibility chant on that, because I would like to see Because I would like to see Because I would like to see oh! Oh, now you're pissin' me oh! Oh, now you're pissin' me oh! Oh, now you're pissin' me off! Now you're pissin' me off, Off! Now you're pissin' me off, Off! Now you're pissin' me off, tubby!