Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e05 Episode Script

1 (Door closes) (Gasp) Flowers! Oh, John, I do love how you keep the magic alive.
Well they're not from me, Moira.
"Sorry for your loss.
She was really something.
" Ew.
Who was something? Well, I don't know.
They didn't even put their name on the card.
- Alexis: Mom? - In here.
Oh, thank God.
The internet says you're dead.
What? Whadda ya mean? Who's saying that? Your mother's not dead.
I'm standing right here.
Yeah, well now I know, but it's weird - 'cause they're still saying it.
- So people are believing it? Um, well it doesn't help that Alexis just tweeted "Goodbye to a great actress," with a cool sunglasses emoji.
Ok, I'm wearing sunglasses because I'm in mourning, David.
What is the source of this falsehood? And what photo are they using? Unclear and primarily a head-shot from the 90's, so fresh, and young, and permed.
So what are you saying? The entire internet thinks your mother is dead? - Um, well not like the entire internet.
- (Knock on door) It's not even trending, which is actually kind of sad.
- Mhmm.
- That's what you think is sad? (Door opens) Someone just dropped these off for you.
I'm assuming you're not dead? All right, consider this camel's back broken.
Who sends pink carnations? (Door opens) Oh Johnny, Johnny, get over here.
Come on, lemme give you one.
Oh yeah.
Oh good, that feels good, doesn't it? - She's - Let it out.
She's not dead, Roland.
Boy, it's strange, I can almost still smell her perfume.
It's because I was just talking to her.
Well, I understand.
You know, sometimes I wear Jocelyn's robe when she's outta town.
Yeah, it was a misprint, Roland, Moira's very much alive.
Oh, well, thank god! Geez.
You know, I gotta be honest with you, this news really kinda hit me hard.
That's very nice.
Yeah, the first thing I thought of is what would happen to the baby if something happened to us? Roland, this is kind of a heavy conversation - to have at 9 a.
m.
, isn't it? - Johnny, Johnny, I want you to be the godfather to my child.
What? Well, it's a no-brainer, Johnny.
- I mean, we're best friends.
- Yeah but are we? And to mark the occasion, I wanna take you to a celebratory lunch.
Well that's not necessary.
Well, nothing's too good for the godfather of my child.
(Crickets chirping) I can't believe it.
I mean, I literally saw her walk past the cafe yesterday.
I know.
And again you know, my thing with ghosts? - Yeah.
- But she didn't seem angry - like the other ones.
- Oh.
You know, it says here, that Moira was projected to be nominated for 10 Daytime People's Choice Awards.
- 12! - (All gasp) Oh my god.
The most projected nominee - to have never actually been nominated.
- Moira? We were just reading an article that said you were Shh.
Fear not.
She hath risen! (Clapping) It's so good to see you.
In the flesh.
Credit that internet! Due to careless reporting, and the gullibility of the masses, everyone thinks I've died.
Yeah, because the news is everywhere.
Thank you.
Did you see the byline by Maria Menounos? No? How did it go? (Sighs) The unsung hero of afternoon television.
(Ahhs ) Oh they're singing my praises now.
All: (Giggle) Oh Moira, we are so happy that you are okay! Yes, Jocelyn, thank you.
Can you imagine an alternate universe in which I've actually died? Wow.
I wonder what you'd be saying.
I don't even wanna think about it.
I know, right? But theoretically, what do we think we'd be saying right now? (Silence) Uh, she always kept things interesting.
Yeah.
Or uh heaven just got its newest leading lady.
All: (Chuckle) Alrighty, I think we should get to rehearsal, okay? We can revisit this later.
Alexis: Thank you so much for taking me out, David.
I really needed it.
Especially after everything that's going on with Mom.
Okay, is that the reason, or is it because I'm on a buying trip, and that means you get free samples? We make a very good team, David.
You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise.
And speaking of, we might have to circle back and get more of these peanut butter things - from those old farm witches.
- They were Mennonites, and I would put the peanut butter square down, we're about to spend the afternoon sampling a lot of cheese.
Hmm.
Nom nom for us, David.
Never say nom nom, again.
Anyway, this is a very important account for me.
I've been trying for the past little while to secure an exclusivity deal with this vendor, but she's very picky about her retailers.
Everyone's trying to get their greasy hands on her cheese.
Ew, David.
Wait, Warner Farms? Does this cheese woman have animals on her farms? Like goats? Does she have goats? Well, we're about to sample some goat's cheese, so I would imagine she has goats on her farm.
- This is Heather Warner's farm, David.
- I know.
No, like Heather, Heather.
Like, Ted's Heather.
What? She's like 50.
0 She's 42, and I know! - Ugh! - Okay.
- (Tires crunch) You know what? I can't have your personal drama storming over my business dealings right now, so I think it's best if you got out of the car, - and walked home.
- Walked home? That would take like 15 minutes, David, that's absolutely not happening.
Anyway, don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
Okay.
Um, then maybe it's best if you stayed in the car with the windows down.
Stop it, David, I'm not a baby.
(Alexis whines) (Doors open and shut) (Birds chirping) (Crow cawing) So just (Crow cawing) (Car rumbles) So Roland, I've been thinking about your very generous offer to be godfather to your baby.
It's not an offer, Johnny, it's an offer you can't refuse.
- Oh.
Ha ha, Marlon Brando.
- Right, but from what movie? - The Godfather.
- No, from Casino.
Okay, fine.
It wasn't Casino, Brando wasn't in Casino, but - Hmm? - Roland, I assume when you say godfather that it's, you know, just an honorary title? No.
You'd have to step in and raise my kid if something happened to Jocelyn or me.
Which isn't gonna happen, but you never know in life.
Our house inspector said that our furnace could go any day.
Oh, and I'm thinking of getting Joce his-and-hers cliff diving lessons for her birthday.
Oh, yeah, well you see that concerns me a little.
Well, those are just kind of extreme examples, Johnny.
I mean, other than that I'm in the prime of good health.
Except for this friggin' mole on my back.
Okay, scoop of tuna on the Mediterranean salad, for you.
Thank you.
And the usual fried chicken on a waffle, extra skin.
- Okay.
- I will be right back - with the hot sauce and butter.
- Yes, and the gravy, Twyla, please.
Thank you.
Ah.
See the thing is, Roland, I don't think you realize just how big a responsibility you'd be, I don't wanna say strapping to my back, but Well, Johnny, that's why I'm asking you because um, I consider you family.
Oh.
Well, as a family member, I feel we can say anything to each other.
- Sure.
- And, quite frankly, your lifestyle choices are making me just a little nervous.
Don't worry about me.
Mmm mm.
(Roland chokes) (Coughs) - I'm okay.
- Good.
(Roland coughs) (Roland coughs) It's just a little piece of skin back there.
- Hmm.
- (Roland coughs) - I got it.
Still good.
- Hmm.
(Brando voice) Do you wanna have a bite? I'll give you a bite you can't refuse.
No, no, that's okay.
That's fine.
I am done.
(Birds chirping) Well, this is quite the spread.
Hm, yeah.
Look at all this cheese.
Nom nom for I'm glad we could finally make this happen.
I know I've been a little hard to pin down.
It's just we're a family-run business, and there's an apprehension about branching out.
I totally, totally get that.
We are also a family-run business.
- This is my sister.
- Oh! I thought you had a male business partner.
Oh, I do.
She is an intern.
Oh.
Um, in training to be CEO of executive buying so Okay.
Anyway, I just thought if we partnered together, we'd be able to extend your customer base, and raise your brand awareness.
Ultimately, like, raise brand awareness.
Listen, David, I love your store.
But I wanna be up front with you.
I have been approached by a couple of other retailers that I have to consider.
Hm.
Someone's in demand, isn't she? (Laughs) Which makes sense because this cheese is amazing and like I don't usually love goat cheese, but Thank you.
I do have some prize-winning goats.
And it doesn't hurt that I'm dating a vet.
Fun.
Mm hmm.
Must be very helpful for you.
How's that going? You know, there is something so familiar about your voice.
Oh.
No, people have told me that I just have like, - one of those voices.
- Mhmm.
Super generic and trill.
Anyway, I just happened to eat one of those pieces of blue cheese, and normally I don't like blue cheese in my mouth, but that was very not bad.
I am with you.
I wasn't a fan of it either until I started using it in salads.
- Oh.
- Speaking of salads, I just whipped up a big lunch.
I would love it if you guys could stay.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
No, I for one just had like a very big peanut butter thing, so I'm feeling pretty Well, I for one did not.
So we would love to stay for lunch - with an important supplier.
- Great.
By all means, keep sampling, and I will start bringing out the food.
Oh um, I hope you don't mind if my boyfriend joins us? I'm sorry? Your boyfriend is here? - Yeah.
- Mhmm.
You know what, I'm realizing that this might be an imposition.
Get in the car! Not an imposition at all.
Ted? The clients are gonna stay for lunch.
Would you mind helping me set the table? Uh, sure.
Thanks.
(Birds chirping) Oh, Becca DeMornay, what a sweetheart.
It's times like this you learn who your true friends are.
(Knock on door) I'm busy! Stevie: There's kind of a situation out here.
Okay, come in.
(Door opens and shuts) Oh hey, so there's a reporter outside, asking questions.
I thought you should know.
A reporter? Here? Now! Yeah, didn't you expect them to come? Well, I thought it might be contained to the internet.
Is there a scrum? How many camera crews? I think just one.
Unless they all used the same van.
No.
No, Stevie, no.
This is not, not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.
No, that's not the headline! Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don't know what choice you have.
Well, we have to think of something.
After all my fans have endured? No, I can't let them see me like this.
It would kill Sir Tony Geary.
- (Hangers rattle) - No! No! Ah! Stevie, help me! Ah! No! - Okay.
Wow.
Well, this looks delicious.
Thank you so much for having us.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Well, this quiche is a treat.
I didn't know you'd gotten into prepared foods? I haven't.
I just made this for lunch.
But if you've ever had her quiche, you can definitely say that it is eggs-cellent.
- (All chuckle) - Ted.
So how is it you know each other? Um, well Uh well Alexis and I worked together.
She used to be my receptionist.
That's how I know your voice.
You answered the phones at the vet's clinic.
Yes! Well, I mean, like technically I had more responsibility than just answering the phones but Oh, and Ted is the vet that you said you were dating.
- Yes.
- Okay, because when you said vet, I thought you meant like, - a War Vet.
- (Ted laughs) Yeah, no definitely not a War Vet.
Damn these fallen arches.
I mean I must've called there every day, for months.
Yes.
Okay, okay.
David, see, now this all makes sense.
Mhmm.
- (Both chuckle) - The quiche is vivacious, and that is not a word I use to describe quiche often, but you know, when the time is right.
You know, Alexis, I feel like I really need to thank you.
Had you not passed along all those messages to Ted, I mean, looked what happened.
I feel like we owe you, or something.
Hmm.
Well, she's a very generous person so (Awkward silence) Well, if you are looking for a way to thank me, I know that David is looking for exclusivity on your products.
Ooh, she is good.
(Heather sighs) Okay, I'm in.
Um Well, that is why she is one of our finest interns.
We-we need to get ahead of this, Stevie.
We must, we must craft the perfect spin that both proclaims I'm not dead, and explains why I've been found here.
Um, okay.
We'll tell them you brainwashed me.
Could you tell then someone else brainwashed you? A cult.
A cult.
Our family joined a cult.
There was a charismatic leader, 40 something, very sexual, had very long hair, longer than you'd expect, but it worked.
How 'bout this idea? Um, what about telling the truth? Truth serum.
Oh Stevie, yes, those stories are always successful.
- No, I meant the actual truth.
- Oh.
I've been reading what people have been saying about you.
They're gonna be really happy you're still around.
Yeah, I don't think loyalty was ever in question.
Then why not come forward and be honest about where you are? Stevie, I don't Okay, that reporter's not gonna be out there forever.
This is your chance to tell your own story, in your own words.
Like we did during the writer's strike.
Right? You have the opportunity to create your own headline! Yes.
And honestly, would you rather be thought of as dead, than living here? - (Birds chirping) - Mrs.
Rose? No, I know.
I'm thinking on it.
Look, Jocelyn, the last thing I want is for this conversation to get uncomfortable.
Oh boy.
But-but there is a delicate issue that I wanted to talk about.
Roland asked if you wanted to be godfather to the baby.
- Yes! - He has been asking everybody to be the godparent.
You're the 3rd person I've had to talk to today, so.
Oh, I see.
I just think he wants to make sure that our bases are covered, you know? Well that's a relief, that your bases are covered.
But here's the good news, if something does happen to one of our first 3 choices, we will definitely be knocking on your door.
It's all for the best, Jocelyn, because frankly the thought of raising another kid Yeah, well, let's face it, your first 2 were no walk in the park, right.
Well, they're good kids.
Yeah, I mean you had a lotta help.
Yeah, but you know, we're very capable parents.
Well if you like, we could um, move you up the list? No, no, no, but this has all been very, very helpful.
So, thank you.
(Car engine rumbles) (Rumbles by) (Slow song plays on radio) Ahem, well, that went well.
Yeah.
You didn't have to do that.
I just like, hate how good this cheese is.
Thank you.
That wasn't the most comfortable situation to be in.
I'm just glad Ted's found someone so stable and healthy.
You're in love with him, aren't you? Yes.
Yup.
Moira: I've always had great affection for the press, and my fans.
My fans, and the press, so thank you.
Yes! Yes! (Clothes rustle) (Jewellery clinks) (Bird chirping) (Car engine rumbles) (Running footsteps) - (Door opens) - (Stevie gasps) - Stevie! - (Door closes) Do you happen to know where the van went? Uh, yeah, apparently there was another celebrity death.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who passed? Um, you know that YouTube video of the giraffe and the kitten who are best friends? Alas, I do not.
Okay, well the giraffe stepped on the kitten.
Well, of course he did.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I didn't think you were gonna talk to them.
Oh, uh you know what, I'm relieved.
Yes, enough of me for one day.
Yeah, well I mean, it's pretty amazing to see how many people care about you.
- Yeah.
- I mean if I died, I'd be lucky if 1 person had something nice to say.
Oh, Stevie.
Stevie, you have years ahead of you still to collect a cartage of adoring mourners.
In the meantime, they will laugh in your face, and they'll stab you in the back, but the moment you give up the ghost, oh they'll all have nothing but nice things to say about you.
I know I will.
Thank you, Mrs.
Rose.
That's very comforting.
And I, for one, am through with trying to impress people.
I like the outfit you chose.
Well, you were a big help, Stevie.
Heading to the cafe.
It's always nice to dress for dinner.
(Crickets chirp) Alexis: According to this, you're alive again.
(David clears throat) Well, looks like we're back, sweetheart! Well, it was fun while it lasted.
I guess we should think about returning some of these gifts? John, they're perishable.
And excuse me, but this is the first time we've heard from most of these people.
These gifts are long overdue.
Oh my God! As if this day couldn't get any worse.
What? Cuppy the Kitten's dead.
Oh my god, what happened? I don't know, I'm reading, David.
He stepped on her? Weren't they best friends? 'K, Kelly Ripa just tweeted, she's taking tomorrow off.
Hashtag RIP Cuppy is trending.
Who's Cuppy? Honestly, what kind of kitten befriends a giraffe?