Scrubs s04e05 Episode Script

Even though I was already an amazing doctor when I became chief resident, I decided to add something extra to my repertoire.
A hook, if you will.
Mrs MacCalla, 40s, moderately attractive, condition improving.
Did you just say I was moderately attractive? Excuse me, Mrs MacCalla.
Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly to get attention.
Where'd you get the idea for the stupid tape recorder? Dude, I love your new tape recorder.
You two are idiots.
Come on, Carla, I wanted a hook, and I only had one other idea.
Mr Hawkins, the results of your tests are back - And you have - Liver disease.
Liver disease.
Sorry.
That's all he can say.
You don't have liver disease.
You have inoperable lung cancer.
- Liver disease.
- If only, Chauncey.
Bottom line, a recorder won't fly away and break your heart.
Sorry.
I'm just a little edgy because my husband woke me up last night and he knows once I'm up I can't go back to sleep.
Baby, I was quiet last night.
Great, I'm awake.
Sorry about that, sweetness.
Since you're up, I was wondering if we could Are you crazy? No, Turk.
I Gesundheit.
I love my new tape recorder.
Not only is it a timesaver, I can record my every thought.
I like toast.
They aren't all winners.
Still, as long as I have this thing I don't need to be in my head so much.
Excuse me.
Why did I say excuse me? He bumped into me.
I have to stop doing that.
Excuse me! Frick! Got you a blueberry muffin but you don't like blueberries, so I picked 'em out.
People think Molly's off, but I totally get her.
She's like the big sister I always wanted.
She makes me feel better about myself.
They're so not finger toes.
These are finger toes.
- Yours are cute, like French fries.
- Really? Yeah.
I can do calligraphy with mine.
She looks after me.
Sorry, sorry! She makes me do things I don't normally do.
She's the Peppermint Patty to my Marcie.
You know, minus the thick glasses and the strong lesbian vibe.
Half of what rappers say doesn't make sense.
Like that Snoop Dogg, Dr.
Dre song.
What does "still hittin' them corners and those Ho Hos, girl" mean? Many disadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices.
Therefore, they must subsist on Ho Ho snack cakes.
It's a black thing, bro.
It's, "Still hittin' them corners in them low-lows, girl.
" Low-lows, not Ho Hos.
See, Turk, in the hood, a low-low is a low rider or a car with an adjusted suspension that allows it to bounce up and down.
Dre and Snoop enjoy driving together in their low riders around the corners, or lizzle rizzles.
Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America.
- None of you can prove it.
- I got it on tape.
There's Dr Kelso.
OK, you're chief resident now, so say hi.
Don't stop, or you'll have to say something and you know you don't improvise well.
- Hi, Dr Kelso.
- Dr Reid.
I see you've trimmed your nose hair.
Frick on a stick! Molly's nervous cos her boyfriend's in town.
Mike's private, so when we go to dinner pretend I never told you personal stuff.
Gotcha.
Mike's got a curved peep.
Watch your step there, little lady.
Thanks, Janitor.
He is so sweet.
But why doesn't he just put up a sign that says "wet floor"? Wet floor.
Sorry.
I was recording some thoughts and I slipped and fell.
Give me this.
Possible nicknames for Dr Cox when we become best friends: The Coxinator, Cox of Seagulls.
Here it comes.
Another condescending rant about how we suck at ourjobs.
Since you two have become chief residents I've noticed your leadership skills are How can I put this delicately? crap! - Oh, sir - That is so not nice.
Some people say I'm a good leader.
Why don't you go and get that young resident there to come up here? - Easy.
Lonnie? - Not right now.
Yes, sir? Slap yourself very hard in the face then leave.
Anyway, one of you two is going to speak at Grand Rounds today.
Here comes the part where he throws me to the wolves to protect his protégé.
Barbie, you're up.
Perfect.
Our TV's working.
Why are you reading? I'm researching leadership techniques for my residents.
You're better off watching good ol' Papa Smurf.
Yeah.
He says leadership boils down to three things: Smurfaration, smurfaration, smurf.
Preparation, inspiration and fear? You know it.
Are we playing pillow feet again? I'm not waking Carla tonight.
Turk.
I'm sorry, baby.
- So you're definitely up now, huh? - Yes.
That's it.
From now on, you and I are going to bed at the same time.
That's fine.
You know what, baby? Since you're up, I was wondering No, Turk! I can't believe that you Oh, my God! How does she eat like that and stay so thin? If I didn't love her, I'd spread rumours that she's bulimic.
So how's it going? I'm freaking out about Grand Rounds.
Cox hung me out to dry again.
You'll be fine.
Just do what I do, fake it till you make it.
Like when a guy's bad in bed, and you pretend he's awesome so he doesn't go to a special store, buy a weird pump - And accidentally run into your dad? - Kind of.
See Dr Kelso there? I have to justify my programme for our psychotic homeless population.
Am I scared to go over to his table of stuffy fat guys cos I know they're just gonna stare at my chest? Of course.
But I'm just gonna act confident, and they're gonna believe I'm confident.
Wow.
Excuse me.
Yep, those are my boobs.
Have you had time to go over my proposal? Yes.
Medical care for crazy homeless people.
- Sounds like a money-maker.
- You know it's a good idea.
As I watched Molly shielding her boobs and working her magic I realised she wasn't just my friend.
She's the mentor I've always been looking for.
Check out my man getting his leadership on.
First he hits 'em with a little preparation.
Questions about evolving treatment therapies? Next, inspiration.
You guys all have the potential to be amazing doctors.
And finally, a dose of fear.
OK.
I'll see you guys.
Fear might need a little work, but otherwise, smurftastic! - That's how I smurf, baby.
- Mmm, Smurfette.
Blue boobies.
- Who wants another beer? - Turk, it's bedtime.
Baby, when you said we'd go to sleep at the same time I thought you meant you'd stay up until I went to sleep.
Turk, that's crazy talk.
But the guys are here, and it's the ninth inning.
Gentlemen, a moment for our fallen comrade.
How old is this patient? Seventy-nine.
And how old would you say he was when you started this procedure? The more I thought about how awesome Molly is the more I got sick of Dr Cox's crap.
Oh, my God.
I could fly to China adopt a child, raise her and send her to medical school and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taken you to finish it.
Enough! He's never been there for you.
Burn this bridge once and for all.
- Barbie, honest to God - You know what, Dr Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing and I have heard every tired, recycled putdown you have in you.
Save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick because I don't want to see you or that stupid poodle perm unless it's walkin' away from me.
God, that felt great! Hopefully, it won't have ramifications for anyone else.
I'm feeling so good today I still feel good cos nobody saw me fall That sound you're hearing is my residents' respect.
- It feels good.
- Gloria! You were supposed to start pre-rounds at 7.
00.
It's now 7.
03.
Sorry I'm late.
I was singing, and I fell.
I know I've used the falling excuse before, but it happened again.
I know the only thing you've been responsible for was picking which Duran Duran cover band would play at your sorority formal, but you're supposed to teach.
So how's about you learn how to walk ditch the tape recorder and act like you got a pair! Kill Lonnie.
I felt great after telling Dr Cox off.
Why? Because I knew I had someone to support me someone to look up to, someone pretty amazing.
Wow! That outfit would look better on my floor.
Mistake.
No! Not the Lasso of Truth! I once had a threesome, and not the cool kind.
- We gotta do dinner another night.
- How come? Mike got up and wanted to read the paper, and I don't get it.
He went to the neighbour's, and they don't get it.
He broke into their garage, stole their car and wrapped it around a pole.
- Oh, my God! Is he OK? - I've been better.
Oh, sorry.
Mike, Elliot.
Elliot, Mike.
- Great.
- I'll be right in.
Elliot, I'm sorry.
I know all about how it is when you think a guy's great and he ends up a car thief.
Relationships are never perfect, and Mike's got potential.
He's got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
My God, my mentor's a crazy person.
- Molly! - Coming, babe.
- So, rain check on the dinner.
- Yeah.
Watching Molly I found myself asking the same questions I always do.
Did I line up behind the wrong person? Am I too much of a wimp? Oh, my God! What a catch! Will people around here ever respect me? Guys.
Guys.
Guys! Unfortunately, I closed the door on the creep who used to occasionally give me answers.
I just had to hope that I hadn't closed it for good.
Dr Cox, do you have a sec? It's gonna be OK, sweetie.
As I watched Molly gently stroke the hand of a convicted felon I had to admit, his eyes were stunning.
I couldn't help but think what the next few years would be like if she was my mentor.
The police caught this guy robbing a liquor store tox screen is positive for methamphetamines and cocaine.
- OK, what should I do? - Make out with him.
He's such a catch.
Hi.
I'm Dr Reid.
What's up? Dr Cox went ballistic in front of my residents.
Now I've lost my mojo.
Check this out.
- Hey, JD.
- You see? There's no fear.
- Can you help a brother out? - I have my own problems.
I've got a bedtime again.
I haven't had one in 12 years.
- You had a bedtime when you were 17? - Not every night.
On weekends, I didn't have to be in bed, just in my room.
That's way cooler.
Carla's setting a record on being a pain in the ass, and I can't help you.
Carla's setting a record on being a major pain in the ass and I can't help you.
OK, here's what you do.
OK, you can't bend that way anymore cos when you do, that last vertebrae sticks out and makes you look like a prehistoric camel.
- What are you thinking? - Same ol', same ol'.
- Camel butt? - Yeah.
Can you warn everyone that Mike gets a little handsy when he's on the painkillers? - Dr Vaji already told us.
- It was horrible.
Elliot, want to grab some lunch? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm busy.
OK.
I felt bad, but it was time to start pulling away.
- Dr Cox.
- Hold on.
Bob, did you happen to order any of the pain in the ass? - No.
- We didn't order the pain in the ass.
- You yelled in front of my residents.
- I didn't.
So how's about you learn to walk ditch the tape recorder and act like you got a pair! I'll let you two talk.
Perry, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you that earlier I wish I'd said "I must've ordered the pain in the ass seeing as you're there.
" Here I was thinking the same thing.
Let's do this again.
Tell you what there, Gidget if you promise to leave right now, I won't yell at you - in front of your peons anymore.
- You ruined my credibility! Look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up.
Fair enough.
Later when you're with residents, I'll come up for something.
You'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way and I'll contritely turn around and walk out with my tail between my legs.
Problem solved.
- Can you pull off contrite? - Can you pull off manly way? Should've seen that coming.
Turk, would you pour me a cup of decaf, please? - We gotta go to bed early tonight.
- I'll have some of that decaf, son.
No, sir.
See, this is regular.
I gotta give Carla the strong stuff just to keep her awake so I can stay up later.
Drugging your own wife.
Been there.
Careful, though.
Starts with coffee.
Next thing you know you're rooting around for an adrenaline shot to counteract a Valium overdose.
- Your coffee, my love.
- Thank you, my husband.
What a fun day.
Hey, camel butt.
I heard you and Carla talking.
Frick on a stick with a brick! Just leave.
Oh, whoa now.
What happened to what happened to feisty Barbie? You know, it took me a hell of a lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane.
How am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't hold together their personal life? I know you and I have never really connected.
Maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people.
I don't know.
But answer me one question.
Do you think I'm a good teacher? - To some people.
- Fair enough.
Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate my two-year-old son calls me Pewwy and this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before but on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars and insist that everybody call me Mrs Haberdasher.
No, you don't.
Even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am.
Stick with me here, Barbie.
The point is that if you've found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well I would think twice before I wrote that person off.
OK, everybody, gather around, please.
Newbie, I need to talk to you.
I'm a little busy right now, Perry.
Oh.
My fault.
I'll come back later.
Oh, and another thing.
From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as Dr Dorian.
- Are you really doing this? - You bet your ass I am.
And from now on, if you have a problem with me you come see me in private, not in front of my boys.
My boys got enough to worry about.
Wrap it up there, Bingo.
I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys.
The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna kill you.
It was worth it.
Lonnie, slap the face.
All of you, slap your faces.
Awesome.
It's morning already? No, but I could see how you think that being that it's light out and we're in bed.
Baby, since we've got married I've done every little thing you've asked me to do.
But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed, OK? - OK.
- Really? That quick? I love it when you're all, "My woman this, my woman that.
" That's what I thought.
Good night.
Can we leave the lights on? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Molly? I was wondering if I could get your advice if you're not too busy with Mike.
Actually, we decided to take a little break.
- How long? - Two to five years.
I freaked you out a little bit with him, didn't I? I try not to judge.
I know I should know better.
I'm a shrink.
But show me a guy who wants to get married and has a good job and it's snoozeville for me.
But if you know a 35-year-old who still lives at home and he still thinks his band can make it tell me where to meet him so I can buy him dinner.
Listening to Molly made me realise a person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need.
Yeah.
I've dated some pretty immature guys too.
Hello, tiny ladies.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm the world's most giant doctor.
Nice to As I watched Elliot and Molly walk off and thought about how Lonnie was a much less stable giant doctor base than Turk I realised how important it is to have someone close to you that you can count on.
Lonnie! Damn you! Especially if that someone is a resident that can keep Dr Cox from killing you.
Not in front of my boys.
This is Lonnie.
He's one of my boys.
Not sure what that means.
See you later.
Sometimes you have to keep people closer than you'd like.
That was too easy.
No way I'm doing that seven nights a week.
In my case, it was best just to keep my distance.
May I have a word with you? Go.
I wonder if we're going to a happy place.