Shameless s04e05 Episode Script

Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us - to me, Frank Gallagher, and my kids, who I'm proud of, cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip.
Ian, a lot like his mam, which was handy for the others when she disappeared into thin air.
And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons - one, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah, and two, nits love it.
Debbie! Sent by God.
Total angel! You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
Plus lickle William, he's gonna be a star some day.
Monica, the wife.
She's back, with her bird in tow.
And we can't get shot of her.
And the neighbours, hey? The neighbours! Well, what can you say? Nothing, if you don't want your arms breaking.
Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost one of the most vital necessities in life is, they know how to throw a party! Scatter! Blokes and women, we want different things.
She's not happy.
We have totally different skills.
Like men, the ability to be fully entertained by watching footy scores on Ceefax.
Women, the ability to remember everything ever said to them by anyone about anything, and to replay any conversation word-for-word while you're watching footy scores on Ceefax.
And yet, it totally works.
Because men need women And women need men.
Simple.
Perfect, in fact.
There are exceptions, obviously.
Poofs, lezzas Anything for yourself in this house.
and our Debbie, of course.
See this? It's been chewed.
Aaagh! What Debbie wants or needs, don't ask me.
Never been able to work that one out.
Who the fuck are you? Estate agent! I'm dealing with the situation.
An Englishman's home is his castle.
As I've said, Mrs Jackson has instructed us to sell - any problems, ring her.
Go on, bugger off, you arse-faced little twat.
Out on me arse.
Just like that.
It wasn't me that walked out.
I did everything I could to make the relationship work.
But it means you're back for good, right, Dad? Where's the fuckin' justice, hey? If I'd have been her, she'd have had me for the lot.
Except you don't own any property.
Exactly, Philip.
That's how much society values fathers.
It's enough to make you put on tights and join them pillocks dressed up as Batman.
I am going to the fucking wall on this one, I tell you.
Property is theft.
Never realised the truth of that until today.
Still, you're back in your rightful place, that's the main thing, chick.
Carl, get off my geography project! What is the point of you? I didn't see it, did I? Extra strength.
Thanks, darling.
When you moved in with Sheila, I missed bringing you your tea.
But then I got used to it.
Don't tell Mum, but I've been saving for a geography field trip.
Four nights at the wetlands Centre in Walton-on-the-Naze.
Anyway, I haven't got enough saved, so you might as well have some.
Thanks, kid.
I can sub you.
Till you get Sheila's house money back through the courts and that.
It's not really about the money, is it? It's more wanting to see justice.
Families need fathers, don't they? Oh! Wondered where you'd got to.
I just needed a bit of down time.
That moving, it takes it out of you.
Oh, Frank Plenty of TLC, that's what you need.
Hiyas Shane! Get some water! Water? To throw over the dog! Nelson, down! Nelson! Get the dog off me! Nelson! Sweet Jesus! No, Nelson.
Get to your bed.
Sorry, I thought it were business.
Business? You know, drugs.
Not cos of I mean, cos of him.
He was attack trained, started off as a police dog till they realised he didn't have the temperament.
But you're a red rag to a fuckin' bull, looking at him like that.
I didn't look at him, he came out of nowhere.
Welcome to the neighbourhood.
He was looking at him.
It's Mickey, not Shane.
Out of ice, again.
Well, I didn't finish it.
You've been going through it like there's a sale.
Jez told me to put as much ice in the drinks as possible.
It's more refreshing.
For Christ's sake, it's like working with an old married couple Ian! If we were married, I'd have taught you a few manners.
Oh, yeah? Put me over your knee, would you? For starters.
Excuse me, Mrs Maguire.
Mrs Maguire? In your dreams! Got any gear? Oh, shit.
You're, erm, you're the dealer.
I'm not a dealer, all right? Right, I thought you were the other one.
Er, ones.
I can get you some Es from behind the bar.
No, you're all right.
Would d'you think of that then? Fuckin' hell, how d'you get that? Bottle.
This psycho went for Nelson in a pub while we was off down south.
Had a thing for dogs, you know.
Touch it, if you want.
Feels well smooth.
Well go on, it won't fuckin' bite! Yeah.
Doesn't hurt.
Doctor said I'm lucky to be alive.
I think we'd better go and, er You what? You know, if anyone comes in.
Fuck off! You fuckin' little pervert! Do I look like a fuckin' poofter? No.
Honest, you don't.
But you do have an 'ard-on.
I'll see to all these, then, shall I? I'll see to all these, then, shall I? Not my turn.
Sometimes I wonder why I married you.
I suppose I should be grateful the wife's not letting herself go.
knew when you put the ring on my finger, I'd have to keep up my standards.
Plenty of girls would be happy to be Mrs Jamie McGuire.
Damn right.
Of course, your mum is giving it six weeks.
My mum's just jealous cos she can see I've married the woman of my dreams.
Nightmare, more like.
Karen So, how many kids do you want? Hundreds.
You have 'em, then.
I was thinking that Morning.
It's not normal.
He's my dad.
Exactly.
It's high time you got yourself a boyfriend.
Even Spaccy Wright's not that desperate.
Oh, piss off, Carl.
Deb's not interested in lads.
Course I am.
Debbie likes boys! Debbie likes boys! Leave her alone, you lot.
She's just a late developer, aren't you, Deb? No! Exactly, that's what I'm saying, it's you got yourself laid, madam.
Mum! Well, it's not natural, a girl hanging round home all the time, unless, of course, you're the other way? You mean, like you used to be? Before you decided to use my dad as a meal ticket.
Hey! Need a bog roll.
Dad, she's saying that I shouldn't be hanging around you.
You don't think I'm weird, do you? Of course not.
Well, not weird, no, just Just, like, special.
Always has been.
Lickle Debbie.
But she's not little any more, that's the point.
Look at her.
At her age, I was running a house.
I am running the house.
No, with your dad.
You need to get yourself a fella, Debbie.
Tell her, Frank.
You know, just, what your mum says, she's your mum.
OK, then.
If that's what you want Debs! Normal, ribbed, extra-strong, or flavoured? What flavours have you got? Hm.
Fruit cocktail, banoffee pie, chicken balti.
I wouldn't bother with that one.
Just normal then.
I haven't seen you with a lad, Debbie, love.
It's not that Wright boy, is it? Spacky Wright! In't, is it? Is it?! No! It's just a lad.
I think we've upset her.
You all right? Hey, up! Whaay! Here you are, Spider, I think she fancies yer! Hey.
You got a girlfriend? No.
We split up! Ideally, I think intercourse should happen in the context of a loving relationship.
You what? You what? You shouldn't shag someone if you don't like 'em.
How do you get laid then? It's my turn to bring those in.
Team work.
That's what married life's all about, isn't it? Is it? I thought it was about having someone to blame when your life turns out to be shit.
Yeah, well, that, too.
Talking of which I realised we'd been putting the cart before the horse.
Time to make an honest woman out of you.
Karen, I'm sorry, OK! What have I done?! It's a big fucking joke, in't it? Karen the bike! Karen the big laugh! Who would want to marry her?! She's good for a jump or a blow job, but that's it! Well, I'm not laughing, all right?! I'm not joking! I wouldn't marry you What?! What?! It's not a joke.
Will you fucking marry me? Why? What d'you mean, why? You don't even know me, Jamie.
Yeah, I do! I see you every day.
You're the only one, when I came out of prison, didn't treat me like a fucking psycho! You must realise I fancy the arse off you.
Yeah But getting married We could try like going on a date first Fuck all that.
I've lost 10 years of my life.
I know what I want from the rest of it.
You.
You all right in there, love? It's not your old trouble, is it? When did you last go? Hey! You shouldn't be chucking stuff in there.
Especially if it's not biodegradable.
What was it, a crisp packet? No.
What are you anyway? The litter police? Just care about the environment.
Well, good for you.
At my old school,we did this project clearing out that canal.
It's totally minging, some of the stuff we got out.
I took all the old trollies back to the supermarket - made nearly 20 quid.
Some of them didn't even have wheels.
Free money, or what? You fancy me? Yeah.
Do you want to go out later then? We could take some stuff down to the recycling centre.
After tea, half nine.
All right.
It's not for you, it's for the baby! What fucking baby?! Everyone knows, Jez, love.
There's no shame in going with a fella now and again.
Even if you are on the other bus.
It's a surrogate pregnancy, Lillian! And the only thing that touched me was a fucking turkey baster! And that baby will be out of me and down to Swindon before the four grand has a chance to hit me bank account! So no knitwear, ta very much.
You know, I thought that gauge was loose on them needles.
People are gonna start talking.
Fuck off, I'm off home, aren't I? Fuck off! There's no-one in.
Me mum and dad are at their Irish dancing lesson.
'Ready, fellas? OK.
' Like a cat in heat Stuck in a moving car A scary conversation shut my eyes Can't find the brake What if they say you're a quitter? Oh, oh What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting for? Nice day for a white wedding Well, it's a nice day to start again! Sweet.
Fucking hell.
What is it? Haven't even cut it yet.
Stuff we sell round here is mostly baby formula.
Little Katie's probably getting more of a buzz than the punters.
Haven't seen that new disabled sticker, have you? Those bastard traffic wardens down the community centre.
There's no messing with them.
I don't want your mother doing another stretch for GBH.
It's not That Panamanian gear? Makes you sweat like a fucking pig, eh? Yeah! I I Yeah, well, don't get a taste for it, you couldn't afford it.
Ha-ha! Look at you, like a pair of fucking queers there! Fuck! Shit! Haven't had a close call like that since me mam nearly walked in on Nelson sucking us off.
Nelson? Yeah.
I was about 13, right.
Dad broke both my arms for dealing on his patch.
I was plaster up to here going mad for a wank! I mean, how horny are you when you're 13, hey? Talk about a man's best friend! Excuse me! Debbie.
Turkey dinosaurs.
I'm off out.
Got a date.
Fuck off, who with? Luke.
You know.
Forget it.
Anyway, I've got my key, might not be home till late.
Or I might stay out.
You shagging him? Probably.
Debbie! What?! You were all having a go at me before! Why shouldn't I have a sex life like everyone else?! It's just that, well have a word, Mum.
Right, well you could always go on the pill.
Although if you're like me it'll make you retain more water than Galton reservoir.
But if you're serious about this lad, maybe you should put your name down early for a council flat.
Talk to her.
Debbie! Go on.
Debbie.
When a man and a woman come together.
The union of two beings Dad, it's no big deal.
One, I'm going to use a condom.
I mean, there's chlamydia to think of, apart from the contraceptive issues.
And, two, with all the gymnastics I've done I'll probably have no hymen left.
I fried the beans in the bacon fat, Karen.
That's the secret.
It's delicious.
Have to show me how.
Mum, do we have to have Nelson licking round everywhere? It's not exactly hygienic.
Don't start! Don't talk to me about fucking Nelson! D'you like dogs, Karen? Yeah.
Wait till the baby's born before you get one.
You never know how they'll be with a little one.
Christ, no! Do you remember taking Shane down for all them stitches? Poor wee bastard.
Reconstructive surgery, my arse! Fuck off! Baby? Karen's not pregnant, Mam.
We thought we'd try getting married first.
Well there's a first time for everything He fancies the dog.
That went well.
No, they really like you.
Jamie, she nearly broke me fucking arm.
It's just her way of welcoming you into the family.
Seriously, you were a big hit.
Ow Oh, sorry.
Better? No.
D'you think it's a bit weird, us getting engaged? No.
Look, I know my family's not exactly Little House On The fucking Prairie, Karen, but I'm my own man.
I don't mean your family.
I mean us not having you know, done it.
What is it? Is it me, being experienced? No.
I was inside for 10 years.
Oh, that? I don't mind whose bitch you were.
No, I wasn't! Dad warned them off.
But apart from copping the odd feel from this art therapist who used to visit a few years back.
I mean, you do the maths.
You're a virgin? I might as well be.
I don't think it's going to be a problem.
What's this? The fucking honeymoon? Oh, bastard heartburn again.
There's an all-night chemist down Birchington Lane.
Well, I can't go in my condition, can I?! I need 12 hours sleep or I'm fit for nowt.
Don't wait up then.
You're late! Only two minutes.
Well, one minute Nice.
So, what was you thinking we'd do then? It's all right.
I want to.
What's up? Are you gay? No.
It's not, it's not that.
I thought you fancied me? I do.
I've brought my own.
What is it? What is it, Luke? There's something you need to know about me.
Oh, no! Get lost, leave me alone! Debbie! Debbie, come back, will you?! Debbie! Debbie! Morning.
Hiya.
What are you doing up so early? You know.
Haven't been back since last night.
Luke.
I've been having sex with Luke.
What were it like? Yeah, great.
It was great.
Yeah, great.
It was great.
Was it? How many times? About five or six.
Morning! Don't fucking do that! Sorry.
It's a bit risky here, Mickey.
You know.
Oh, OK.
Came to bring you this.
An iPod? Didn't buy it, did you? Yeah, from our Shane.
He knocked a lorry off last Thursday.
Oh, cheers.
Maybe see you after work, then? Yeah, maybe.
Fuck off, eh? Sunrise, sunset Swiftly flow the days Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers It is normal, Frank.
It is normal, Frank.
What is? Debbie getting laid.
Well, it is.
Who's the lad? Do you know? Who's the lad? Do you know? Luke something-or-other.
Moved in across there.
The coloured family? You can't say "coloured" nowadays.
Well, what are you supposed to call them then? Well, what are you supposed to call them then? "Them"? Afro-Caribbean.
Give over.
Who says that? Anyway, I know that lot from when I lived over on the Wilby.
The Newmans.
I'd be surprised if Debbie's carrying on with their son.
Why's that, then? Why's that, then? They're religious! Twelfth-Day Reformed Pentecostalists.
I dabbled a bit myself a while back, but it wasn't for me.
Oh, not the fucking God squad! Thank you.
Thank you.
Strictly no sex before marriage.
So if Debbie's set her cap at young what's-his-face, they'll be down the aisle before you can say Jack Robinson.
Worse than the fucking Catholics! Worse than the fucking Christians! Catholics are Christians.
Oh, fuck off.
A pound of fucking flesh! Frank, Debbie likes this lad.
What good are you going to do? She's got a point.
Excuse me! This is my daughter! Every father's worst fucking nightmare! "Dad, meet my boyfriend, the Reverend Fucking Chisel-Arse!" Dad! Hey, pointy-tits.
Fancy a shag or what? Yeah.
I said yeah! Nah, sorry.
Don't do donations to charity.
Tonight? I know it's a bit soon, but I thought it'd be nice for you to meet some of the extended family.
And if your future mother-in-law can't give you a hen do, who can? Course, it might not be your cup of tea.
No, it's just It's just I know our Jamie's keen for us to get on.
Yeah.
I'd love to.
It's really nice of you, Mimi.
I've just had an arrangement.
Which I'll rearrange, obviously.
You see, Karen, love, it's true what they say.
A son's a son till he gets a wife.
A daughter-in-law's yours for all of her life.
Still on to fuck your brains out tonight? Your mum's just asked me out, as it happens.
Not an all-nighter, is it? Not an all-nighter, is it? Hope not.
Christ, me too.
You see, I told you she liked you.
You're just paranoid.
'So, Mr Gallagher,' you're concerned about my son at seeing your daughter? Is this true? That you've been courting this girl? No, not courting, just Can I speak? Please? My concern if I can put it this way, is lifestyle.
Lifestyle? Debbie's lifestyle.
She's well, let me put it like this.
I wouldn't be that keen on any son of mine hanging around with her.
I'm not sure I catch your drift, Mr Gallagher.
She's it's a terrible thing to have to say about your own daughter.
But, to be honest, she likes to to Samson and Delilah? Jason and the Argonauts? Sodom.
Jezebel.
Yeah.
She is a Jezebel through and through.
Isn't she, Philip? Umm I mean, I'd have him checked out if I was you.
Should have listened, shouldn't you? "Jezebel through and through!" Nice one, Dad.
Well, it worked, didn't it? I wouldn't touch her with a fucking barge-pole from now on.
Or 50% of a fucking barge-pole.
Oh, Lip The state of you! I still feel a bit sick, actually.
What are you doing going on the lash? You're supposed to be at school.
Spider and his mates seen me.
Spider? You don't think that's his real name, do you? I don't think I can go to school ever again? Why not? What's been going on with you and this Spider lad? Nothing.
That's what's been going on.
Absolutely nothing.
I don't get it, Debs.
I thought all you were into was Luke, five minutes back.
Luke's lovely.
But he wouldn't do it with me, either.
God says it's wrong.
No-one wants me, Lip.
You mean you haven't shagged him? I told you, he wouldn't.
He said God might see us and smite us down.
And I tried to do it with Spider so you and Mum and everyone couldn't get at me any more.
He just laughed at me.
It was horrible.
Just live and learn, Deb.
This whole business is 90% fiction and 10% friction.
Hello, Mr Gallagher.
I wanted to see Debbie.
Hiya.
I just wanted to say, you know, I understand.
About you being a bit of a slag.
Probably just low self-esteem and that.
Hiya! I missed you.
Did you miss me? I missed you.
Did you miss me? What are they? I got 'em from the travel agent.
Thought we might get away together.
Mykonos, I-bizza Are you fucking mental? Are you fucking mental? We could go off-season.
I'm not going on holiday with you.
I don't want to you know go out with you.
Is it cos of what I told you about Nelson? No it's just look.
It were good.
But it's not going to carry on.
I mean, you, me? We'd be dead meat if anyone finds out.
You know we would.
But I love you.
Oh, fucking hell No, you don't.
I do.
All these fucking feelings! You're the only one who understands.
I don't.
Honest.
I don't.
I fucking love you.
And if it takes telling my mam and dad about us, how I feel, that's what I'm going to do.
What d'you mean? I'm going to tell them how I feel! Mickey! Mam, Dad, I've got something to tell you.
And it's not something I'm ashamed of.
In fact, I'm proud.
He taught Nelson to suck his cock! All right? See you later.
'ey? Hen do.
Hen do? Mimi? Calm down, Mickey.
I'll have Nelson here until it all blows over, right? Er, bad choice of words.
Fuck off, you fuckin' nobhead! I said, enough! Unless you want me to take him back next door! Me dad says he's gonna have Nelson put down! You know what he means to me, you fucking cunt.
I fucking hate yer! What was all that about? Don't ask.
Wind changes, you'll stay like that.
Right, this is the plan.
One bloke doing the rounds.
Back's forcible, a few Yales, that's it.
Marlene'll drive down Hang on.
Is this? We're not going on a raid, are we? Bit of business and pleasure, Karen love.
A few gross of digital foot massagers.
Right, me and Marlene are in, while sugar tits here gets it on with the security bastard.
Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
In and out, 20 tops.
Are you saying you want me to cop off with the guard? Nothing you haven't done before.
No Why does it have to be me? I'm engaged, Mimi, to your son.
It'll be our little secret, Karen love.
Men can be a bit funny about that sort of thing.
Right, ladies, let's go.
Take us four hours to get out of the fucking van.
Right, are we ready? No calls till the job's done.
Cops can trace records.
Go on.
Debbie.
You know, if a lad really likes you, he won't care what anyone says.
What, if I'm a slapper you mean? What, if I'm a slapper you mean? No.
Listen to me.
That's a bloke's word.
It's a bloke's fucking hang up.
It doesn't matter what you do, or who you're doing it with, as long as you're having a good time.
I haven't done anything! Not that it's for lack of trying! There's no rush, Debs.
It's always crap to start off.
Thing to do is to get a lad and train him up.
This one that you like Luke.
He's religious, dead religious.
His parents are, you mean? He's a 15-year-old lad.
Choice between you and Jesus, no contest.
I mean, that beard's minging for a start! And there's the sandals.
Anyway, your hair's better.
It's gonna take a bit more than your dad and Lip going round and telling tales to his mum and dad to put him off.
Dad and Lip? Yeah, you know, saying you're a loose woman.
I thought it was Spider.
Dad and Lip! Who are you? Pizza? Can't believe I actually forgot the pizza.
It's me first night.
Yeah, but, like I said, I han't ordered any pizza.
Well that's all right then.
I might keep my job.
So it's just you here on your own, is it? Yeah.
Nobby-no-mates.
"Nobby"? Yeah, it's just a figure of speech.
You and Nobby up for a bit of fun? All right, steady on.
Steady on, Deb.
It's just one little Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but I did it for all the right reasons, to protect you.
Protect me?! Flesh of my flesh.
Protect young, born free, all that.
They're not your standard happy clappers, Deb.
They take 50%.
Half.
Of your money.
I haven't got any money! Yeah, but, it's the principle of the thing, in't it? One of you better have some bloody money to pay for these laxatives! You say it's to protect your young, right? But you haven't, have you? Cos I really like Luke and now he thinks I'm a slapper.
You've been on their side saying I should do it, when it turns out you don't even care about that! You don't care about me! All you care about is your bloody money! You're useless, you! Debbie! Debbie! Debbie, please! Love! I'm Fuck it, what can I do? I'll do anything.
Come on, you name it! I'm begging you! I am a proud man and I'm begging you.
Money.
I want 120 for the trip to Walton-on-the-Naze and some for spends.
Then we can talk.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Our Jamie's gonna fucking love this! Oh! Oh, fucking hell.
Ah! Ah! Smile for the camera, Karen! All right, Mimi? Hey, tell your friend she can join in, in all.
As you can see, this is your living room.
Kitchen, en suite.
This is the bedroom.
Bathroom.
Oh, yes! The eagle has fucking landed! There's 200 quid.
That do you? Pound of flesh.
Where did you get it? Need to know, Deb.
Ways and means.
No more guest appearances.
Gentlemen's agreement, Marlin.
Won't see hide nor hair from now on.
They were going to make a fucking offer, you know.
Debbie, love.
Everything all right? He's all yours.
Fuck.
Hello.
Good night? Good night? Yeah.
Good.
Really good.
Is this OK? Try Done you some sandwiches.
It's a long way to Walton-on-the-Naze.
Naze.
Whatever.
Anyway Oh! No egg, just cheese and pickle.
Don't want any teasing on the coach.
Oh, who's let one go?! Stinker.
That for saying I'm a slapper.
See you later! Sigmund Freud, right, father of modern psychoanalysis, inventor of penis envy and all that bollocks, said he never worked out what it is a woman truly wants.
In men's case he reckoned it was down to two things, work and love.
Obviously he never me my dad.
So what did you tell them? As for our Debbie Same as you.
Walton-on-the-Naze.
Said it was a gospel camp.
Gospel camp? Shut up.
What are you now, one of the commandments or something? Stop! Get off! You're such a weakling.
I'm letting you win.
Get off! Turns out our Debbie's not that different after all.
Like most women, all she wants is love, work and her own fucking way!