The A-Team (1983) s04e05 Episode Script
The Road to Hope
You're not Hannibal? Oh, Jim Beam's the name [stammering.]
and drinking's the game.
Well, then where is he? Who the heck are you? Jack? Jack Daniels.
l think they got a body laundry.
There's a piece of nifty news.
B.
A.
, l'm coming over the wall.
We're gonna open a mission across the street from the Moonlight Mission and run them out of business.
Hallelujah! This is all too good to be true.
l know.
(male narrator) In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[gun firing.]
May l take your order, sir? Just coffee for now, please.
[cutlery rattling.]
l rest my case, mein Colonel.
The woman came to the table, she looked around and she saw only you.
lt's because l'm better-looking.
[laughing.]
lt's because l made myself invisible.
l saw you the whole time, Murdock.
You see, Colonel, all l have to do is just think of white paper.
Just concentrate on white paper, white paper and then whammo-bammo, l'm gone.
People can't see me.
[chuckling.]
[people chattering.]
Hi, Hannibal.
Hi, guys.
Well, that's her.
That's my new ride.
(Face) Loudest noise in it is the electric clock.
Man, is that clock loud.
[tires squealing.]
[sighing.]
Oh, boy.
Where's Murdock? Here he is.
Right here, man.
Where? Nice try, Face, but l know you picked him up this morning so you've already seen his ''Carmine the lnvisible'' act.
l'm coming back into focus.
(Murdock) My molecular structure is reversing.
l'm solid and.
And l'm back.
Hi, guys.
Miss me? Oh, my gosh.
There he is.
He's back.
(Face) Minus the baseball cap, of course.
Oh, by the way, reason l'm late is l stopped off to sign the sales agreement.
Yeah, l figured, with all the cash we got now, why not? You only live once, guys.
You gotta grab all the gusto and Excaliburs you can.
We don't have the money yet.
We haven't even taken the job yet.
[whispering.]
She's coming back.
She's coming back.
Now, watch this.
l'm going to fade out.
Don't let this spook you.
Hi.
Coffee? Yeah, thanks.
Milk.
lt's getting easier.
When l first realized l could do this it would take sometimes an hour or more for me to reverse my molecular structure.
You know, Murdock, sometime l wish you were invisible 'cause you don't ever seem to go away.
Guys, this Christina Trapolis is a little bit too good to be true.
l mean, she wants us to fly to Monaco spend two weeks in her penthouse apartment followed by 10 days in her 200-foot yacht all in the name of upgrading her security.
And for this hazardous piece of work, she's willing to pay $300,000 half of it up front.
She should be selling bridges in Brooklyn.
Oh, come on, Hannibal, please! The Brooklyn Bridge goes for $500,000, $600,000 minimum.
Believe me, l know.
l've sold it twice already.
Boy, l'd love to own that bridge.
l think she's a bird dog for Decker.
l'm going to run her past Jack Daniels when she brings the money this afternoon.
l've got it set up in an alley downtown.
But l want you guys on a roof.
l've got a feeling that Decker's gonna show, and l might need a bail-out.
Oh, when did you come in? Can l get you some coffee? Wait a minute.
l ain't going for it, guys.
You told her.
She's in on this.
Tell B.
A.
he's in place.
lnvisible Apple to Apple 1, lnvisible Apple to Apple 1, come in.
Hey, fool, you Apple 2.
Now, don't be messing with the radio codes.
Now, this is lnvisible Apple reporting that Apple 3 is in position and Apple 4 is on the binoculars.
And yours truly is moving in and out of a rainstorm of molecular activity.
[garbage clattering.]
[bottles rolling.]
l didn't hear you come in.
[slurring.]
l have been looking for a new domicile.
Jim Beam.
Jack Daniels.
A moniker, l admit, but it shields me from the torments of reflective introspection.
You use some pretty fancy words there, Jack.
lt's a holdover from my early days.
Listen, if l was you, l wouldn't sleep in this alley.
Two guys disappeared in the last two weeks.
ls that so? For what purpose? Don't know.
They got some guy down here picking off our guys.
l don't know why.
l've been trying to stay at the mission but after two or three days they make you, you know, pack up and go off let somebody else have a chance.
But they got a list.
Two weeks before you can go back again.
Did anybody call the constabulary? You may have noticed that the police don't have a real high interest in bums.
[both laughing.]
Are you hungry, Jack? Look.
You see that restaurant down there? Guy at the mission told me you get a handout down there.
Ask for William.
William.
l thank you for your courtesy.
[exhaling.]
[pigeons cooing.]
Molecules, they don't know nothing.
No, you got to use mental stimulation.
Electrified ions-- Hey, Murdock, l'm in a.
Who are you talking to? What are you talking about? Never mind, never mind.
Listen.
We got a small problem.
l'm a little confused.
There's two winos down there.
Now, l don't know which is which.
Did Hannibal have a bald head or did he have the beard and the red hair? What you asking me for? You're the one who goes and buys the wigs and the makeup all the time.
Well, listen, there are two winos there one of them just sitting still, the other one's gone to the back of the restaurant.
Well, then, we'll have to go down there and take a look at them.
No.
Hannibal would be the one sitting down.
No, not necessarily.
lf he thought there was gonna be trouble, he might move away from the other wino.
Negatory, good buddy.
Negatory.
Hannibal would be holding his turf, knowing that if he was with a wino we wouldn't know which wino was his wino, which wino wasn't his wino.
And the wino he was is the wino he'd want us to see, you know? Good sir, l am seeking one known as William.
[Hannibal moaning.]
lnvisible Apple to Apple 1 .
(Murdock) We got two winos in the alley.
Face thinks that Hannibal is the wino that moved away from you.
l think Hannibal is the one sitting right in the middle of the alley.
But it's up to you, big guy.
l mean, this is too tall to call from the top of Spencer's Mountain.
(B.
A.
) Right.
[exclaiming.]
(Murdock) Face! Something's shaking.
Get on that walkie-talkie.
Tell that ugly mudsucker that an ambulance just pulled up.
Apple 1-- They're going into the restaurant.
But Hannibal, he is still right down there in the middle of the alley.
(Face) B.
A.
, we got an ambulance.
Pull up to the far side of the alley.
Over.
Listen, B.
A.
, stay on that ambulance.
l'm not sure who's in it.
lt could be Hannibal.
Could be.
lt could be the other wino.
Could be somebody from the restaurant.
Here comes the girl.
(B.
A.
) Hey, man, what do you want me to do? Follow the ambulance or watch the dude in the alley? l'm telling you, that's Hannibal sitting right in the middle of the alley.
Your call, Lieutenant.
All right, well, stay put.
She's got the briefcase.
Remember, guys, that's our money in there.
We'll hold and wait.
l have your money.
$150,000 in advance.
This is my money? Take it.
That's it.
That's it, guys.
lt's Hannibal.
He's got the money.
[siren wailing.]
Grab him! And throw him in the back of that truck, and don't be gentle about it.
[exclaiming.]
They got Hannibal.
lnvisible Apple to Apple 1 .
They got Apple 3.
(B.
A.
) Not yet, they haven't.
Search the entire area.
The rest of the A-Team can't be far.
Corporal.
(driver) Hey, what's going on? Drop your weapons.
(Murdock) Get down on the floor.
(Decker) There they are.
Open fire! [guns firing.]
Come on, Face! lt was a setup, but at least you got the money, Hannibal.
(Jim) Who's Hannibal? Everybody calling me Hannibal.
You not Hannibal? Oh, Jim Beam's the name [stammering.]
and drinking's the game.
Hey, guys, this ain't Hannibal.
Well, then where is he? Hello, hello.
Whom do l owe for this odyssey into the world of science? l understand your name is Jim Beam.
l go by many names, sir but if you could edify and clarify where it is l am and to what purpose? All right, do it.
Chart and draw everything.
Tattoos, identifying marks, height, weight, everything.
Am l here for a physical examination? What the hell is this? [chuckling.]
Oh.
That is a wig.
Sometimes l wear it by itself sometimes l wear it with my Groucho nose and glasses.
(doctor) This guy's wearing makeup.
Who the heck are you? Well, l can see why you guys are confused.
But think about me.
l mean, l walk into a back of a restaurant and the next thing l know, l'm in a science fiction movie.
He's not the guy we're looking for.
He's not even the right age.
l'm a newspaperman.
My name is Thomas Fullerton lll.
l was working on an article on transients and l wanted to see if l could infiltrate to see what l could find out.
He's a newsman.
You don't like newsmen.
How about firemen? Mailmen? Cop? Wrong.
Say, l've been trying to lay off, you know l don't really think l need that.
You're not very.
Now what do we do? We get a can of lye and a shovel.
Take him out, plant him, see what comes up in the spring.
So, you told him to go to the back of the restaurant, huh? Well-- Why? Well, there was a friend of mine at the Moonlight Mission that told me there was a guy there that would give me a free handout.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, cuz.
l know a little something about skid row.
Restaurant owners don't give handouts.
They don't want a crowd of winos hanging out in front of their restaurant.
No, no, he told me to ask for William.
He's in the kitchen.
And then he'd give me something and l told your friend Jack.
Jack? That's what Hannibal calls his wino.
Jack Daniels.
So, you told Jack and he goes to the restaurant and gets slammed in the back of the ambulance and pulled out of there.
Huh, wh-- W-What's going on here? Well, Hannibal was right about one thing.
Christina works for Decker.
l think l'm going to pay this guy William at the restaurant a little visit.
(Face) Good idea, B.
A.
You guys are going to set medicine back 50 years.
What paper are you with? The Buffalo Chip Town Crier and Farm Report.
l don't like it, Jack.
He sounds like a cop.
Shut up, Bobby.
You better start talking, friend or l'm going to do open-heart surgery with this shovel.
ln that case, l got two questions.
Are you sure you're qualified, and will it hurt? A wise guy, huh? (doctor) All right, let's go! (B.
A.
) The MPs are still around.
They're probably in there asking questions.
One of us have to go in.
lt's gotta be Murdock.
He's the only one who's not wanted by the MPs.
Let's go.
White paper.
White paper.
l'm concentrating on white paper.
l'm gone, right, Face? You always have been, Murdock.
(MP) Oh, man, nobody ever comes in here.
l'm looking for William.
Hey, William, you got a visitor.
William? l thought someone was there.
[Hannibal panting.]
Now, l don't want to complain but l don't believe this area's been properly irrigated.
l mean, l'm only down here about four feet, and l'm down to bedrock.
Now, if you want a nice, deep grave l mean, where l won't get plowed up in the spring we really ought to try over by the road.
Shut up! l'm getting tired of your chatter and your crummy jokes.
You act like you're going to a birthday party.
We're going to kill you, goofball.
Really? Tough luck for me.
l got a good joke for you.
Gorilla story.
This gorilla comes into a bar and orders a drink.
Bartender doesn't know what to do so he goes down the bar and he asks the owner.
Now, the owner, he never had a gorilla in his bar before and he doesn't want his bar to become a hangout for gorillas but he doesn't want this animal to get angry and tear the place up so he says, ''Serve him, charge him $20.
Maybe he'll go away.
'' So the bartender does.
He grabs the gorilla's $20 and he says ''We don't get many gorillas in here'' and the gorilla says, ''No wonder, look at the prices you charge.
'' [laughing.]
Great story, huh? [all laughing.]
Keep them coming, whitey.
You're gonna die laughing.
Well, promises, promises.
Uh-oh.
l'm gonna need that pickax.
Cover him.
Now, everybody stand back.
l don't want anybody hit by flying rock.
As l always like to say a cautious worker never needs an excuse.
He's getting away.
Get him! [guns firing.]
Okay, Bill.
The temperature of the water in this place is 200 degrees, huh? Now, l hate to see you get parboiled with Murdock's sock in your mouth so why don't you tell us who you're working for and where Hannibal's been taken? [muffled groaning.]
No screaming, huh? This is a very sedate hotel and l'd hate to lose my ''preferred guest'' standing.
Look, look, honest, l don't know.
Some guy l never saw before gave me $200 to chloroform a bum.
He gave me the chloroform, he told me how to use it.
Well, what did this guy look like, William? He was a big guy, huge shoulders.
He had a little head, he weighed maybe 200 pounds, maybe more.
He had a tattoo, an anchor on his arm.
Bluto.
Yeah.
B.
A.
(Face) lf l were you, l'd start talking.
Honest.
That's what he looks like.
(Face) The water's just going to get hotter and hotter.
l'm not lying, l promise.
l think he's telling the truth, Face.
He gave up being tough Okay, now let's go find this guy and get a line on Hannibal.
Bring him.
(Face) Hannibal, what are you-- [Face groaning.]
We've been looking all over for you.
Oh, hi, guys.
Do you know what we've been through? Hey, Hannibal, where you been, man? l don't know but l made some neat new friends.
l met a blue-eyed whale in a sharkskin suit who calls himself Bob and a doctor named Jack who does open-heart surgery with gardening tools.
What do you say, William? Who are you? l'm the guy you chloroformed.
Jack Daniels was an old geezer, a wino.
[slurring.]
l, Jack Daniels, remain your humble friend.
Well, l'll be damned.
Well, you were right, Colonel.
Christina works for Decker.
How much? $150,000.
She gave it to Jim there.
She thought he was you.
Then he got picked up by Decker, who also thought he was you but we broke him out.
We thought he was you.
But, besides saving the wrong man, we were magnificent.
Face was hanging on the outside of the van l was in my invisible station in the front seat B.
A.
was driving and we left Decker upside down cursing.
Boy, l'm glad that's over.
Yeah, but it isn't.
We're going to take Christina's money and find out who's been killing my fellow knights of the road.
l don't know who chloroformed me or where they took me but l'm going to find out.
(Murdock) l love it, Colonel.
Well, l hate it, Colonel.
Look, l still owe money on the Excalibur.
B.
A.
owes money on the reading machines at the daycare center.
(B.
A.
) That's right, man.
Oh, come on, guys.
lt's a chance to get down to skid row and party with some real gentlemen.
l mean, we got Jim to introduce us and we got William to show the way.
He doesn't even know who hired him.
Some 200-pound bald guy with an anchor on his arm.
Sounds like Bluto.
There's a guy like that on the row.
Yeah, a big guy, anchor on the arm, yeah, yeah.
Baldheaded? That's the guy.
Where's he hang out? Well, l've seen him at that Moonlight Mission on 7th Street.
Okay, now why does Foxy Loxy and Chicken Little run around in a shiny white ambulance dropping the skin on defenseless winos and then taking them to a state-of-the-art hospital charting their age, their scars, the color of their eyes and then throwing them into a 6-foot pit with a sack of lime? ls this multiple choice? l give up, Colonel.
Why? l think they got a body laundry.
l don't think they want the winos.
They want the lDs.
Bums, who went away from society for 10 years but still, of course, have their birth certificates.
l think somebody at the Moonlight Mission fingers the guys who are the right age and the right eye color for the guy who wants the lD.
Then they take him to hospital and they wind up in Boot Hill.
And then, later the guy who wants the lD, with maybe some scars added turns up at City Hall and says ''l've been on skid row for 10 years ''but l'm cleaned up now.
l need a new lD.
'' And the switch is complete.
To why? (Hannibal) Money, Face.
You could sell those lDs to wanted felons for $100,000, easy.
What are you going to do with me? Let me go, please.
No, sorry, Willie.
You better stay locked up in the bathroom.
l hesitate to contemplate what the rest of us are gonna be doing.
We're gonna open a mission across the street from the Moonlight Mission and run them out of business.
Welcome to The Road to Hope Mission with that soft-spoken preacher of the road Father Foley, whose weapons are love and rosewater.
And his renowned revivalist Harry Dean Hanover.
Say hallelujah! Hallelujah, sinners.
Lock your hands and form a circle.
We going to take stock of things tonight.
The Lord is shining on your house and all you got to do is let him in.
And on the organ and the tambourine Brother lgnatius Blacktop, late of San Quentin but now committed to the path of glory.
l don't like it, Hannibal.
Say hallelujah! B.
A.
Hallelujah.
And where are you going to be, O Righteous One? On the roof, with a ham sandwich and a pair of binoculars waiting for Lean Jack and Chubby Bob to show themselves.
Neat, huh? [horn honking.]
Anything you scam works for me, Face.
Like that empty building over there.
lt's perfect, but l need it by tonight.
Tonight? Oh, no, no, no, no.
A good scam takes time to set up.
Well, we can spend some money.
Okay, okay.
l'll come up with something.
But l'll need help.
l'll need Murdock.
lt's lnvisibility at your service.
[[[Excalibur horn honking.]
Yes, and you must be Miss Fulbright of the real estate company? Missus.
Pity.
l'm J.
Pettybean Ross.
And this is my financial assistant, Albert Steiner.
Pleased to meet you, l'm sure.
Mr.
Ross, l can't possibly understand what you would want with this building.
lt's almost ready to be condemned.
Condemned? Oh, no.
Looks like we got here in the nick of time, Albert.
l'm sure.
Yes.
My card.
You're with the Historical Society? Well, the Building and Architectural Division.
l know, l know.
lt doesn't look like much but underneath all that stucco and false fronting lies an original Michael Fielding Spencer.
Um.
Michael Fielding Spencer.
[mumbling.]
Well, he's an architectural genius.
He designed buildings in the South and Southwest.
A few here in LA before his untimely demise in the mid-19th century.
He was hit by a streetcar, June 16, 1948.
Note.
Beneath this shell is a classic structure.
Note the detail on the Doric columns.
lt's here, here, here and the classical winged Cupid with a drawn bow.
So you want to purchase the building? Oh, my.
My, my, my, my.
Well, what we do, see, is we select buildings of architectural interest.
We invest our own money in their renovation and then we seek to get the Historical Society to charter them as a national monument.
Obviously, the owners will reap a substantial economic benefit.
This is all too good to be true.
l know.
Hi.
Hi, brothers.
l'm Father Michael Bing Foley.
lt's so good to see you.
l want you to come on in and have a rest.
Have a steak and give us your best prayer, for which we'll give you the Lord's reward of $5.
Small price to pay for the opportunity to lure a sinner home to the Lord.
You got a point there, Bingo.
Yes.
lndeed l do, yes.
Well, now, won't you go on in there? Evangelist Harry Dean Hanover is in the rectory on your right.
That's right, go right on in.
Bless you.
Home to the Lord.
What, are those guys kidding? lf this keeps up, we won't have anybody in here.
l'd better get in touch with Scarett and Colton.
They ain't gonna like this.
You say you can't find him.
You say he won't come.
He doesn't visit anymore.
l say, stand up! Stand up and be counted.
The Lord will take you back if you just stick out your hand.
You.
You, sir, tell me how many years have you been down here laying in the self-pity of your own despair? (man) Sixteen years.
Sixteen wine-soaked years.
Sixteen years, laying in the gutter sleeping with lice in your hat.
Sixteen years of waste and misery.
Well, l'm saying to you, rise up! Rise up and shake off this misery.
Rise up and say hallelujah.
Rise up and grab that.
Grab that devil by the neck and cast him out.
Can you do that, brother? Father Blacktop, show this sinner the road to salvation.
You can be what you wanna be, brother.
All you got to do is believe.
l will.
Hallelujah! Who's next? lt's hard to believe.
Hard to believe, but l'm touched.
lt's a touching story.
Welcome.
l'm glad to see you.
Hello, brother.
How are you, brother? Welcome to your new homes, all of you.
Yes, eat.
You're gonna have three square meals a day.
l'm gonna see to that.
All the clothes you want, all the fivers you could possibly need.
Father Bing is gonna see to that.
Yes, it's good.
Good to see so many well-fed men under one roof.
lt makes me wonder where all the female bums are.
Hello, Face.
Yeah.
They're here.
Tell B.
A.
l need him.
We're gonna follow these two cowboys back to where they hang out and find out who they are.
Right.
[birds chirping.]
Those guys aren't doctors, they're playboys.
Stand by on the radio, B.
A.
(Hannibal) Well, look who we got here.
(Hannibal on walkie-talkie) Apple 3 to Apple 4.
Apple 3 to Apple 4.
Yeah, Hannibal, what's up? Fat Bob turns out to be E.
Robert Colton of the obnoxiously wealthy Coltons.
Oil, hotels, shipping, and textiles.
Which makes Skinny Jack some sort of underworld suckfish.
l'm not sure how he fits in.
What would a billionaire's son be doing hanging out with a guy like that? Why would Christina Trapolis be hanging out with Decker? l mean, the idle rich are begging for strange playmates.
Must be the French food makes their brains soft.
Boy, l hope it's not something in the caviar.
[Murdock preaching.]
Yeah.
How's Murdock doing? Well, l believe Murdock's finally found his true calling.
He's in there doing a rain dance now.
Me, l'm singing White Christmas and smiling blandly.
But they're sitting there with their mouths open and we aren't even giving away fivers anymore.
l wanted to get into E.
Bob's home and feed him some bad news.
l'm gonna need you, Face.
l laid out a three-man assault tactic.
All right, where are you? Hidden Valley.
All right.
I'll be right there.
Out.
(Murdock) liquor of the soul.
Welcome from the Buffalo Chip Town Crier and Farm Report.
One wrong move and you got a spot in the obituary column.
lf l call out, they'll be here in seconds.
You do that, Bob then you better tell them to bring a mop, 'cause you're gonna be history.
Tough decision, huh? Tell you what.
Let's take a field trip.
lf you're real good, l'll let you try on one of my rubber noses.
You don't know what you're messing with.
l think l got a good idea.
Where's Jack, the heart surgeon? l think he's the one behind all this.
He's at my house in the country.
How about we take a little trip to see him? Only this time, l'll bring the shovel.
[alarm blaring.]
Don't shoot me! Please, please don't shoot me.
Sometimes a guy's got no sense of humor.
B.
A.
, it's in the gutter.
l'll cover you, Hannibal.
[guns firing.]
B.
A.
, l'm coming over the wall.
[grunting.]
[tires squealing.]
That's the way it's done in the majors.
[birds chirping.]
Victor 3 to Victor 1 .
Unfriendlies approaching.
(Hannibal) Okay, this is the place.
But let's make it fast.
That postman could come up from breakfast and make a call anytime.
(Face) l love it.
He's worried about the postal department.
This should be smooth.
They don't expect us.
B.
A.
, you take the right.
Face, you take the left.
(Face) Left, right.
Special delivery.
You've got something for me? Yeah, l got a great new gorilla story.
l know how you love them, so l came right out.
Save the jokes, 'cause l got plans for you, wise guy.
Let me guess.
We're gonna dig some more graves.
The man's a mind reader.
Sorry, guys.
lt's the ones you don't see coming that always get you.
They're not selling these lDs for money.
Fat Bob is in some kind of urban terrorist group.
All these guys are international scumballs wanted for who-knows-what.
He and Jack the heart surgeon are getting legal lDs for their survivalist army so they can live in this country undetected.
Got to give them credit for originality.
How's it going, B.
A.
? Give me a minute.
l just hope that fool knows what to do when he hears the tone.
Well, that thing won't reach all the way into LA, will it? No.
This is a short-range transmitter signal.
Only goes about 200 yards.
Well, there's a piece of encouraging news.
Got a relay in the van.
The transmitter in there can send to anywhere.
Give me the code, Hannibal.
Sixteen minutes past 6:00.
[beeping.]
Let's talk about the road that you traveled.
Then let's plan your trip to glory.
[watch beeping.]
''Mayday.
Superior force.
'' Superior force? But l'm but one man.
A kind of nutty one at that, l.
How am l gonna take on a superior force? (men) [ Onward, Christian soldiers [ [ Marching as to war [ [ With the cross of Jesus [ [ Marching as before [[ We'll get them in their own truck take them to that meadow across that road there.
The white-haired guy can tell us funny stories while he digs his grave.
lt's theater of the absurd.
Wait till you hear it.
You know me, Hannibal.
l always like to keep a positive attitude, you know.
But Murdock is one man and they have 30.
Where's he gonna get the troops that he needs? Are you ready? Now, l'm gonna circulate among you and l'm gonna ask you to fill out a card.
Last name first.
First name, middle name last.
Then, your military rank, if any and your military specialty.
Now l'm gonna ask you a question.
How many of you boys have seen service in this great nation of ours? (Murdock) Raise your sinners' hands.
Good.
Now l'm gonna ask you a more important question.
How many of you can make yourself invisible? Raise your hands.
Only one.
Good.
And what's your name, sir? Murdock, Howling Mad.
US Army.
Captain.
All right, Captain Murdock.
lt's gonna be up to you to turn these men into an army.
Roger.
On command.
Ready.
Forward march! We're gonna have a little bit of trouble.
Gentlemen, correct me if l'm wrong.
R.
Miller, gunner sergeant, United States Air Force? Affirmative.
P.
Neil, military weapons analyst, United States Army? Yes, sir.
Gentlemen, l have three automatic weapons.
One will be secured by yours truly the other two handled expertly by yourselves.
You will now gain control of this vehicle, heeding my direction only.
The rest of you men in the catering truck.
But, men, remember some of us won't be coming back.
But those of us that do, will be back and those of us that don't come back won't be coming back.
Now, l point this out because if you don't come back, you won't be back.
And if you do come back, you will be back.
Any questions? Road to Hope Rangers, mount up.
[all exclaiming.]
(Hannibal) Well, this is more like it.
You should have seen the last one l had to dig.
Solid rock.
But this is great.
We'll be finished with this in no time.
Well, there's a piece of nifty news.
Hey, man, you guys must be crazy if you think l'm gonna dig my own grave.
There's always one shirker, right, Jack? Keep it up, whitey 'cause l'm gonna waste you.
[groaning.]
Killing you is really gonna make my day.
l got a great riddle for you.
What are 30 winos doing in a catering truck? Who cares? Well, now, that could be a great mistake, Jack.
Because they're all armed and they're all right behind you.
[guns firing.]
[guns firing.]
You know, my little jokes seemed to bother you, Jack but now you're lucky l got a sense of humor.
You guys were great.
You guys were all great.
[all cheering.]
(man) We had a great commander.
Please! Please, please, l don't wanna hear it.
l did what l did because if l didn't do it, it would have got done.
And l might add that not doing it would have been a lot worse than doing it badly, which l was not about to do.
But, please, l.
l feel.
l feel like l have to scoot over because Father Harry Dean Hanover wants to get a word in.
lt was a fine, fine piece of work, men.
A fine piece.
Now, how many of you are gonna swear off that demon rum? (Murdock) Good.
Good.
And how many of you are gonna take that other path to a greater glory? [stuttering.]
l'm gonna live with my daughter.
l'm gonna take the room above my kid's garage.
[all cheering.]
Well then, my work here.
My work here is finished.
(Murdock) There's nothing left for me to do but to become invisible and slowly disappear.
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
Well, l'm taking this car back.
l can't have a car full of holes.
[engine faltering.]
That's one noisy clock you got there, Face.
l think we did some good down here.
Yeah, man.
You called it, and that fool Murdock did it.
Makes you wonder who's crazy.
[engine running.]
[car backfiring.]
and drinking's the game.
Well, then where is he? Who the heck are you? Jack? Jack Daniels.
l think they got a body laundry.
There's a piece of nifty news.
B.
A.
, l'm coming over the wall.
We're gonna open a mission across the street from the Moonlight Mission and run them out of business.
Hallelujah! This is all too good to be true.
l know.
(male narrator) In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[gun firing.]
May l take your order, sir? Just coffee for now, please.
[cutlery rattling.]
l rest my case, mein Colonel.
The woman came to the table, she looked around and she saw only you.
lt's because l'm better-looking.
[laughing.]
lt's because l made myself invisible.
l saw you the whole time, Murdock.
You see, Colonel, all l have to do is just think of white paper.
Just concentrate on white paper, white paper and then whammo-bammo, l'm gone.
People can't see me.
[chuckling.]
[people chattering.]
Hi, Hannibal.
Hi, guys.
Well, that's her.
That's my new ride.
(Face) Loudest noise in it is the electric clock.
Man, is that clock loud.
[tires squealing.]
[sighing.]
Oh, boy.
Where's Murdock? Here he is.
Right here, man.
Where? Nice try, Face, but l know you picked him up this morning so you've already seen his ''Carmine the lnvisible'' act.
l'm coming back into focus.
(Murdock) My molecular structure is reversing.
l'm solid and.
And l'm back.
Hi, guys.
Miss me? Oh, my gosh.
There he is.
He's back.
(Face) Minus the baseball cap, of course.
Oh, by the way, reason l'm late is l stopped off to sign the sales agreement.
Yeah, l figured, with all the cash we got now, why not? You only live once, guys.
You gotta grab all the gusto and Excaliburs you can.
We don't have the money yet.
We haven't even taken the job yet.
[whispering.]
She's coming back.
She's coming back.
Now, watch this.
l'm going to fade out.
Don't let this spook you.
Hi.
Coffee? Yeah, thanks.
Milk.
lt's getting easier.
When l first realized l could do this it would take sometimes an hour or more for me to reverse my molecular structure.
You know, Murdock, sometime l wish you were invisible 'cause you don't ever seem to go away.
Guys, this Christina Trapolis is a little bit too good to be true.
l mean, she wants us to fly to Monaco spend two weeks in her penthouse apartment followed by 10 days in her 200-foot yacht all in the name of upgrading her security.
And for this hazardous piece of work, she's willing to pay $300,000 half of it up front.
She should be selling bridges in Brooklyn.
Oh, come on, Hannibal, please! The Brooklyn Bridge goes for $500,000, $600,000 minimum.
Believe me, l know.
l've sold it twice already.
Boy, l'd love to own that bridge.
l think she's a bird dog for Decker.
l'm going to run her past Jack Daniels when she brings the money this afternoon.
l've got it set up in an alley downtown.
But l want you guys on a roof.
l've got a feeling that Decker's gonna show, and l might need a bail-out.
Oh, when did you come in? Can l get you some coffee? Wait a minute.
l ain't going for it, guys.
You told her.
She's in on this.
Tell B.
A.
he's in place.
lnvisible Apple to Apple 1, lnvisible Apple to Apple 1, come in.
Hey, fool, you Apple 2.
Now, don't be messing with the radio codes.
Now, this is lnvisible Apple reporting that Apple 3 is in position and Apple 4 is on the binoculars.
And yours truly is moving in and out of a rainstorm of molecular activity.
[garbage clattering.]
[bottles rolling.]
l didn't hear you come in.
[slurring.]
l have been looking for a new domicile.
Jim Beam.
Jack Daniels.
A moniker, l admit, but it shields me from the torments of reflective introspection.
You use some pretty fancy words there, Jack.
lt's a holdover from my early days.
Listen, if l was you, l wouldn't sleep in this alley.
Two guys disappeared in the last two weeks.
ls that so? For what purpose? Don't know.
They got some guy down here picking off our guys.
l don't know why.
l've been trying to stay at the mission but after two or three days they make you, you know, pack up and go off let somebody else have a chance.
But they got a list.
Two weeks before you can go back again.
Did anybody call the constabulary? You may have noticed that the police don't have a real high interest in bums.
[both laughing.]
Are you hungry, Jack? Look.
You see that restaurant down there? Guy at the mission told me you get a handout down there.
Ask for William.
William.
l thank you for your courtesy.
[exhaling.]
[pigeons cooing.]
Molecules, they don't know nothing.
No, you got to use mental stimulation.
Electrified ions-- Hey, Murdock, l'm in a.
Who are you talking to? What are you talking about? Never mind, never mind.
Listen.
We got a small problem.
l'm a little confused.
There's two winos down there.
Now, l don't know which is which.
Did Hannibal have a bald head or did he have the beard and the red hair? What you asking me for? You're the one who goes and buys the wigs and the makeup all the time.
Well, listen, there are two winos there one of them just sitting still, the other one's gone to the back of the restaurant.
Well, then, we'll have to go down there and take a look at them.
No.
Hannibal would be the one sitting down.
No, not necessarily.
lf he thought there was gonna be trouble, he might move away from the other wino.
Negatory, good buddy.
Negatory.
Hannibal would be holding his turf, knowing that if he was with a wino we wouldn't know which wino was his wino, which wino wasn't his wino.
And the wino he was is the wino he'd want us to see, you know? Good sir, l am seeking one known as William.
[Hannibal moaning.]
lnvisible Apple to Apple 1 .
(Murdock) We got two winos in the alley.
Face thinks that Hannibal is the wino that moved away from you.
l think Hannibal is the one sitting right in the middle of the alley.
But it's up to you, big guy.
l mean, this is too tall to call from the top of Spencer's Mountain.
(B.
A.
) Right.
[exclaiming.]
(Murdock) Face! Something's shaking.
Get on that walkie-talkie.
Tell that ugly mudsucker that an ambulance just pulled up.
Apple 1-- They're going into the restaurant.
But Hannibal, he is still right down there in the middle of the alley.
(Face) B.
A.
, we got an ambulance.
Pull up to the far side of the alley.
Over.
Listen, B.
A.
, stay on that ambulance.
l'm not sure who's in it.
lt could be Hannibal.
Could be.
lt could be the other wino.
Could be somebody from the restaurant.
Here comes the girl.
(B.
A.
) Hey, man, what do you want me to do? Follow the ambulance or watch the dude in the alley? l'm telling you, that's Hannibal sitting right in the middle of the alley.
Your call, Lieutenant.
All right, well, stay put.
She's got the briefcase.
Remember, guys, that's our money in there.
We'll hold and wait.
l have your money.
$150,000 in advance.
This is my money? Take it.
That's it.
That's it, guys.
lt's Hannibal.
He's got the money.
[siren wailing.]
Grab him! And throw him in the back of that truck, and don't be gentle about it.
[exclaiming.]
They got Hannibal.
lnvisible Apple to Apple 1 .
They got Apple 3.
(B.
A.
) Not yet, they haven't.
Search the entire area.
The rest of the A-Team can't be far.
Corporal.
(driver) Hey, what's going on? Drop your weapons.
(Murdock) Get down on the floor.
(Decker) There they are.
Open fire! [guns firing.]
Come on, Face! lt was a setup, but at least you got the money, Hannibal.
(Jim) Who's Hannibal? Everybody calling me Hannibal.
You not Hannibal? Oh, Jim Beam's the name [stammering.]
and drinking's the game.
Hey, guys, this ain't Hannibal.
Well, then where is he? Hello, hello.
Whom do l owe for this odyssey into the world of science? l understand your name is Jim Beam.
l go by many names, sir but if you could edify and clarify where it is l am and to what purpose? All right, do it.
Chart and draw everything.
Tattoos, identifying marks, height, weight, everything.
Am l here for a physical examination? What the hell is this? [chuckling.]
Oh.
That is a wig.
Sometimes l wear it by itself sometimes l wear it with my Groucho nose and glasses.
(doctor) This guy's wearing makeup.
Who the heck are you? Well, l can see why you guys are confused.
But think about me.
l mean, l walk into a back of a restaurant and the next thing l know, l'm in a science fiction movie.
He's not the guy we're looking for.
He's not even the right age.
l'm a newspaperman.
My name is Thomas Fullerton lll.
l was working on an article on transients and l wanted to see if l could infiltrate to see what l could find out.
He's a newsman.
You don't like newsmen.
How about firemen? Mailmen? Cop? Wrong.
Say, l've been trying to lay off, you know l don't really think l need that.
You're not very.
Now what do we do? We get a can of lye and a shovel.
Take him out, plant him, see what comes up in the spring.
So, you told him to go to the back of the restaurant, huh? Well-- Why? Well, there was a friend of mine at the Moonlight Mission that told me there was a guy there that would give me a free handout.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, cuz.
l know a little something about skid row.
Restaurant owners don't give handouts.
They don't want a crowd of winos hanging out in front of their restaurant.
No, no, he told me to ask for William.
He's in the kitchen.
And then he'd give me something and l told your friend Jack.
Jack? That's what Hannibal calls his wino.
Jack Daniels.
So, you told Jack and he goes to the restaurant and gets slammed in the back of the ambulance and pulled out of there.
Huh, wh-- W-What's going on here? Well, Hannibal was right about one thing.
Christina works for Decker.
l think l'm going to pay this guy William at the restaurant a little visit.
(Face) Good idea, B.
A.
You guys are going to set medicine back 50 years.
What paper are you with? The Buffalo Chip Town Crier and Farm Report.
l don't like it, Jack.
He sounds like a cop.
Shut up, Bobby.
You better start talking, friend or l'm going to do open-heart surgery with this shovel.
ln that case, l got two questions.
Are you sure you're qualified, and will it hurt? A wise guy, huh? (doctor) All right, let's go! (B.
A.
) The MPs are still around.
They're probably in there asking questions.
One of us have to go in.
lt's gotta be Murdock.
He's the only one who's not wanted by the MPs.
Let's go.
White paper.
White paper.
l'm concentrating on white paper.
l'm gone, right, Face? You always have been, Murdock.
(MP) Oh, man, nobody ever comes in here.
l'm looking for William.
Hey, William, you got a visitor.
William? l thought someone was there.
[Hannibal panting.]
Now, l don't want to complain but l don't believe this area's been properly irrigated.
l mean, l'm only down here about four feet, and l'm down to bedrock.
Now, if you want a nice, deep grave l mean, where l won't get plowed up in the spring we really ought to try over by the road.
Shut up! l'm getting tired of your chatter and your crummy jokes.
You act like you're going to a birthday party.
We're going to kill you, goofball.
Really? Tough luck for me.
l got a good joke for you.
Gorilla story.
This gorilla comes into a bar and orders a drink.
Bartender doesn't know what to do so he goes down the bar and he asks the owner.
Now, the owner, he never had a gorilla in his bar before and he doesn't want his bar to become a hangout for gorillas but he doesn't want this animal to get angry and tear the place up so he says, ''Serve him, charge him $20.
Maybe he'll go away.
'' So the bartender does.
He grabs the gorilla's $20 and he says ''We don't get many gorillas in here'' and the gorilla says, ''No wonder, look at the prices you charge.
'' [laughing.]
Great story, huh? [all laughing.]
Keep them coming, whitey.
You're gonna die laughing.
Well, promises, promises.
Uh-oh.
l'm gonna need that pickax.
Cover him.
Now, everybody stand back.
l don't want anybody hit by flying rock.
As l always like to say a cautious worker never needs an excuse.
He's getting away.
Get him! [guns firing.]
Okay, Bill.
The temperature of the water in this place is 200 degrees, huh? Now, l hate to see you get parboiled with Murdock's sock in your mouth so why don't you tell us who you're working for and where Hannibal's been taken? [muffled groaning.]
No screaming, huh? This is a very sedate hotel and l'd hate to lose my ''preferred guest'' standing.
Look, look, honest, l don't know.
Some guy l never saw before gave me $200 to chloroform a bum.
He gave me the chloroform, he told me how to use it.
Well, what did this guy look like, William? He was a big guy, huge shoulders.
He had a little head, he weighed maybe 200 pounds, maybe more.
He had a tattoo, an anchor on his arm.
Bluto.
Yeah.
B.
A.
(Face) lf l were you, l'd start talking.
Honest.
That's what he looks like.
(Face) The water's just going to get hotter and hotter.
l'm not lying, l promise.
l think he's telling the truth, Face.
He gave up being tough Okay, now let's go find this guy and get a line on Hannibal.
Bring him.
(Face) Hannibal, what are you-- [Face groaning.]
We've been looking all over for you.
Oh, hi, guys.
Do you know what we've been through? Hey, Hannibal, where you been, man? l don't know but l made some neat new friends.
l met a blue-eyed whale in a sharkskin suit who calls himself Bob and a doctor named Jack who does open-heart surgery with gardening tools.
What do you say, William? Who are you? l'm the guy you chloroformed.
Jack Daniels was an old geezer, a wino.
[slurring.]
l, Jack Daniels, remain your humble friend.
Well, l'll be damned.
Well, you were right, Colonel.
Christina works for Decker.
How much? $150,000.
She gave it to Jim there.
She thought he was you.
Then he got picked up by Decker, who also thought he was you but we broke him out.
We thought he was you.
But, besides saving the wrong man, we were magnificent.
Face was hanging on the outside of the van l was in my invisible station in the front seat B.
A.
was driving and we left Decker upside down cursing.
Boy, l'm glad that's over.
Yeah, but it isn't.
We're going to take Christina's money and find out who's been killing my fellow knights of the road.
l don't know who chloroformed me or where they took me but l'm going to find out.
(Murdock) l love it, Colonel.
Well, l hate it, Colonel.
Look, l still owe money on the Excalibur.
B.
A.
owes money on the reading machines at the daycare center.
(B.
A.
) That's right, man.
Oh, come on, guys.
lt's a chance to get down to skid row and party with some real gentlemen.
l mean, we got Jim to introduce us and we got William to show the way.
He doesn't even know who hired him.
Some 200-pound bald guy with an anchor on his arm.
Sounds like Bluto.
There's a guy like that on the row.
Yeah, a big guy, anchor on the arm, yeah, yeah.
Baldheaded? That's the guy.
Where's he hang out? Well, l've seen him at that Moonlight Mission on 7th Street.
Okay, now why does Foxy Loxy and Chicken Little run around in a shiny white ambulance dropping the skin on defenseless winos and then taking them to a state-of-the-art hospital charting their age, their scars, the color of their eyes and then throwing them into a 6-foot pit with a sack of lime? ls this multiple choice? l give up, Colonel.
Why? l think they got a body laundry.
l don't think they want the winos.
They want the lDs.
Bums, who went away from society for 10 years but still, of course, have their birth certificates.
l think somebody at the Moonlight Mission fingers the guys who are the right age and the right eye color for the guy who wants the lD.
Then they take him to hospital and they wind up in Boot Hill.
And then, later the guy who wants the lD, with maybe some scars added turns up at City Hall and says ''l've been on skid row for 10 years ''but l'm cleaned up now.
l need a new lD.
'' And the switch is complete.
To why? (Hannibal) Money, Face.
You could sell those lDs to wanted felons for $100,000, easy.
What are you going to do with me? Let me go, please.
No, sorry, Willie.
You better stay locked up in the bathroom.
l hesitate to contemplate what the rest of us are gonna be doing.
We're gonna open a mission across the street from the Moonlight Mission and run them out of business.
Welcome to The Road to Hope Mission with that soft-spoken preacher of the road Father Foley, whose weapons are love and rosewater.
And his renowned revivalist Harry Dean Hanover.
Say hallelujah! Hallelujah, sinners.
Lock your hands and form a circle.
We going to take stock of things tonight.
The Lord is shining on your house and all you got to do is let him in.
And on the organ and the tambourine Brother lgnatius Blacktop, late of San Quentin but now committed to the path of glory.
l don't like it, Hannibal.
Say hallelujah! B.
A.
Hallelujah.
And where are you going to be, O Righteous One? On the roof, with a ham sandwich and a pair of binoculars waiting for Lean Jack and Chubby Bob to show themselves.
Neat, huh? [horn honking.]
Anything you scam works for me, Face.
Like that empty building over there.
lt's perfect, but l need it by tonight.
Tonight? Oh, no, no, no, no.
A good scam takes time to set up.
Well, we can spend some money.
Okay, okay.
l'll come up with something.
But l'll need help.
l'll need Murdock.
lt's lnvisibility at your service.
[[[Excalibur horn honking.]
Yes, and you must be Miss Fulbright of the real estate company? Missus.
Pity.
l'm J.
Pettybean Ross.
And this is my financial assistant, Albert Steiner.
Pleased to meet you, l'm sure.
Mr.
Ross, l can't possibly understand what you would want with this building.
lt's almost ready to be condemned.
Condemned? Oh, no.
Looks like we got here in the nick of time, Albert.
l'm sure.
Yes.
My card.
You're with the Historical Society? Well, the Building and Architectural Division.
l know, l know.
lt doesn't look like much but underneath all that stucco and false fronting lies an original Michael Fielding Spencer.
Um.
Michael Fielding Spencer.
[mumbling.]
Well, he's an architectural genius.
He designed buildings in the South and Southwest.
A few here in LA before his untimely demise in the mid-19th century.
He was hit by a streetcar, June 16, 1948.
Note.
Beneath this shell is a classic structure.
Note the detail on the Doric columns.
lt's here, here, here and the classical winged Cupid with a drawn bow.
So you want to purchase the building? Oh, my.
My, my, my, my.
Well, what we do, see, is we select buildings of architectural interest.
We invest our own money in their renovation and then we seek to get the Historical Society to charter them as a national monument.
Obviously, the owners will reap a substantial economic benefit.
This is all too good to be true.
l know.
Hi.
Hi, brothers.
l'm Father Michael Bing Foley.
lt's so good to see you.
l want you to come on in and have a rest.
Have a steak and give us your best prayer, for which we'll give you the Lord's reward of $5.
Small price to pay for the opportunity to lure a sinner home to the Lord.
You got a point there, Bingo.
Yes.
lndeed l do, yes.
Well, now, won't you go on in there? Evangelist Harry Dean Hanover is in the rectory on your right.
That's right, go right on in.
Bless you.
Home to the Lord.
What, are those guys kidding? lf this keeps up, we won't have anybody in here.
l'd better get in touch with Scarett and Colton.
They ain't gonna like this.
You say you can't find him.
You say he won't come.
He doesn't visit anymore.
l say, stand up! Stand up and be counted.
The Lord will take you back if you just stick out your hand.
You.
You, sir, tell me how many years have you been down here laying in the self-pity of your own despair? (man) Sixteen years.
Sixteen wine-soaked years.
Sixteen years, laying in the gutter sleeping with lice in your hat.
Sixteen years of waste and misery.
Well, l'm saying to you, rise up! Rise up and shake off this misery.
Rise up and say hallelujah.
Rise up and grab that.
Grab that devil by the neck and cast him out.
Can you do that, brother? Father Blacktop, show this sinner the road to salvation.
You can be what you wanna be, brother.
All you got to do is believe.
l will.
Hallelujah! Who's next? lt's hard to believe.
Hard to believe, but l'm touched.
lt's a touching story.
Welcome.
l'm glad to see you.
Hello, brother.
How are you, brother? Welcome to your new homes, all of you.
Yes, eat.
You're gonna have three square meals a day.
l'm gonna see to that.
All the clothes you want, all the fivers you could possibly need.
Father Bing is gonna see to that.
Yes, it's good.
Good to see so many well-fed men under one roof.
lt makes me wonder where all the female bums are.
Hello, Face.
Yeah.
They're here.
Tell B.
A.
l need him.
We're gonna follow these two cowboys back to where they hang out and find out who they are.
Right.
[birds chirping.]
Those guys aren't doctors, they're playboys.
Stand by on the radio, B.
A.
(Hannibal) Well, look who we got here.
(Hannibal on walkie-talkie) Apple 3 to Apple 4.
Apple 3 to Apple 4.
Yeah, Hannibal, what's up? Fat Bob turns out to be E.
Robert Colton of the obnoxiously wealthy Coltons.
Oil, hotels, shipping, and textiles.
Which makes Skinny Jack some sort of underworld suckfish.
l'm not sure how he fits in.
What would a billionaire's son be doing hanging out with a guy like that? Why would Christina Trapolis be hanging out with Decker? l mean, the idle rich are begging for strange playmates.
Must be the French food makes their brains soft.
Boy, l hope it's not something in the caviar.
[Murdock preaching.]
Yeah.
How's Murdock doing? Well, l believe Murdock's finally found his true calling.
He's in there doing a rain dance now.
Me, l'm singing White Christmas and smiling blandly.
But they're sitting there with their mouths open and we aren't even giving away fivers anymore.
l wanted to get into E.
Bob's home and feed him some bad news.
l'm gonna need you, Face.
l laid out a three-man assault tactic.
All right, where are you? Hidden Valley.
All right.
I'll be right there.
Out.
(Murdock) liquor of the soul.
Welcome from the Buffalo Chip Town Crier and Farm Report.
One wrong move and you got a spot in the obituary column.
lf l call out, they'll be here in seconds.
You do that, Bob then you better tell them to bring a mop, 'cause you're gonna be history.
Tough decision, huh? Tell you what.
Let's take a field trip.
lf you're real good, l'll let you try on one of my rubber noses.
You don't know what you're messing with.
l think l got a good idea.
Where's Jack, the heart surgeon? l think he's the one behind all this.
He's at my house in the country.
How about we take a little trip to see him? Only this time, l'll bring the shovel.
[alarm blaring.]
Don't shoot me! Please, please don't shoot me.
Sometimes a guy's got no sense of humor.
B.
A.
, it's in the gutter.
l'll cover you, Hannibal.
[guns firing.]
B.
A.
, l'm coming over the wall.
[grunting.]
[tires squealing.]
That's the way it's done in the majors.
[birds chirping.]
Victor 3 to Victor 1 .
Unfriendlies approaching.
(Hannibal) Okay, this is the place.
But let's make it fast.
That postman could come up from breakfast and make a call anytime.
(Face) l love it.
He's worried about the postal department.
This should be smooth.
They don't expect us.
B.
A.
, you take the right.
Face, you take the left.
(Face) Left, right.
Special delivery.
You've got something for me? Yeah, l got a great new gorilla story.
l know how you love them, so l came right out.
Save the jokes, 'cause l got plans for you, wise guy.
Let me guess.
We're gonna dig some more graves.
The man's a mind reader.
Sorry, guys.
lt's the ones you don't see coming that always get you.
They're not selling these lDs for money.
Fat Bob is in some kind of urban terrorist group.
All these guys are international scumballs wanted for who-knows-what.
He and Jack the heart surgeon are getting legal lDs for their survivalist army so they can live in this country undetected.
Got to give them credit for originality.
How's it going, B.
A.
? Give me a minute.
l just hope that fool knows what to do when he hears the tone.
Well, that thing won't reach all the way into LA, will it? No.
This is a short-range transmitter signal.
Only goes about 200 yards.
Well, there's a piece of encouraging news.
Got a relay in the van.
The transmitter in there can send to anywhere.
Give me the code, Hannibal.
Sixteen minutes past 6:00.
[beeping.]
Let's talk about the road that you traveled.
Then let's plan your trip to glory.
[watch beeping.]
''Mayday.
Superior force.
'' Superior force? But l'm but one man.
A kind of nutty one at that, l.
How am l gonna take on a superior force? (men) [ Onward, Christian soldiers [ [ Marching as to war [ [ With the cross of Jesus [ [ Marching as before [[ We'll get them in their own truck take them to that meadow across that road there.
The white-haired guy can tell us funny stories while he digs his grave.
lt's theater of the absurd.
Wait till you hear it.
You know me, Hannibal.
l always like to keep a positive attitude, you know.
But Murdock is one man and they have 30.
Where's he gonna get the troops that he needs? Are you ready? Now, l'm gonna circulate among you and l'm gonna ask you to fill out a card.
Last name first.
First name, middle name last.
Then, your military rank, if any and your military specialty.
Now l'm gonna ask you a question.
How many of you boys have seen service in this great nation of ours? (Murdock) Raise your sinners' hands.
Good.
Now l'm gonna ask you a more important question.
How many of you can make yourself invisible? Raise your hands.
Only one.
Good.
And what's your name, sir? Murdock, Howling Mad.
US Army.
Captain.
All right, Captain Murdock.
lt's gonna be up to you to turn these men into an army.
Roger.
On command.
Ready.
Forward march! We're gonna have a little bit of trouble.
Gentlemen, correct me if l'm wrong.
R.
Miller, gunner sergeant, United States Air Force? Affirmative.
P.
Neil, military weapons analyst, United States Army? Yes, sir.
Gentlemen, l have three automatic weapons.
One will be secured by yours truly the other two handled expertly by yourselves.
You will now gain control of this vehicle, heeding my direction only.
The rest of you men in the catering truck.
But, men, remember some of us won't be coming back.
But those of us that do, will be back and those of us that don't come back won't be coming back.
Now, l point this out because if you don't come back, you won't be back.
And if you do come back, you will be back.
Any questions? Road to Hope Rangers, mount up.
[all exclaiming.]
(Hannibal) Well, this is more like it.
You should have seen the last one l had to dig.
Solid rock.
But this is great.
We'll be finished with this in no time.
Well, there's a piece of nifty news.
Hey, man, you guys must be crazy if you think l'm gonna dig my own grave.
There's always one shirker, right, Jack? Keep it up, whitey 'cause l'm gonna waste you.
[groaning.]
Killing you is really gonna make my day.
l got a great riddle for you.
What are 30 winos doing in a catering truck? Who cares? Well, now, that could be a great mistake, Jack.
Because they're all armed and they're all right behind you.
[guns firing.]
[guns firing.]
You know, my little jokes seemed to bother you, Jack but now you're lucky l got a sense of humor.
You guys were great.
You guys were all great.
[all cheering.]
(man) We had a great commander.
Please! Please, please, l don't wanna hear it.
l did what l did because if l didn't do it, it would have got done.
And l might add that not doing it would have been a lot worse than doing it badly, which l was not about to do.
But, please, l.
l feel.
l feel like l have to scoot over because Father Harry Dean Hanover wants to get a word in.
lt was a fine, fine piece of work, men.
A fine piece.
Now, how many of you are gonna swear off that demon rum? (Murdock) Good.
Good.
And how many of you are gonna take that other path to a greater glory? [stuttering.]
l'm gonna live with my daughter.
l'm gonna take the room above my kid's garage.
[all cheering.]
Well then, my work here.
My work here is finished.
(Murdock) There's nothing left for me to do but to become invisible and slowly disappear.
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
Well, l'm taking this car back.
l can't have a car full of holes.
[engine faltering.]
That's one noisy clock you got there, Face.
l think we did some good down here.
Yeah, man.
You called it, and that fool Murdock did it.
Makes you wonder who's crazy.
[engine running.]
[car backfiring.]