The Detour (2016) s04e05 Episode Script
The Year
1 [Indistinct conversations, silverware clinking.]
I can't get over the new look.
Um, it it's like a grown-up version of you.
And you're drinking hot chocolate.
I mean, that's that's grown-up, man.
It's coffee.
I love it.
[Gulps, gags.]
Delicious.
Yeah.
So how's your year been? I mean, what's the story? You want the long version or the short version? Uh, which one's faster? Delilah: I had money, I had freedom, and was ready to live the life of my dreams.
Oh, this version's taking forever.
It's literally been five seconds.
Really? It felt a lot longer, especially 'cause Mom and Dad weren't in this one.
Spoiler alert They're not in this story.
[Door opens.]
[Woman moaning loudly.]
Oh, shit.
[Moaning continues.]
What is it about life-changing events that make women want to cut all their hair off with kitchen scissors? I don't know! Still, a year on your own.
I mean, you're like a legit adult now.
Sure you don't want some kids' food? I mean, just for old time's sake.
Nice doughnut French toast.
No one can resist that.
[Muffled.]
This is so good! I know.
I thought you might like it.
Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
I spent two years planning my escape and zero time thinking about what to do after I actually got free.
So, what did you do? I did what any 16 year old with a fake back story would do.
I went to college.
Delilah: It was a bastion of free thinking, inclusive idealism, a place where I could learn and grow as a person who God damn it! Sorry about that.
That's okay.
Hey, but that's what practice is for, right, girls? [Young women cheer.]
Oh, you weren't talking to me.
Oh, that's so sad.
It gets sadder.
Are you thinking of joining a cappella? Aca-lutely.
- What? - Defi-notely! Oh, yeah.
We don't do puns.
We do pitch.
Can you match? Try and stop me, pitch.
[Vocalizing.]
[Vocalizing off-key.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Vocalizing off-key.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Vocalizing off-key.]
Well, that was aca-ward.
It just feels like we should be raising money for research, and every dollar you waste on your virtue-signaling swag is one dollar less that goes to a viable cure.
You seem like fun.
Delilah: I mean, I get the benefits of developing material.
I just think it's unfair to ask people to watch a shitty rehearsal.
And we have got to lose these matching bowling shirts.
And scene.
Aah! [Grunts.]
What the hell?! You just got your big balls flying everywhere, - don't ya?! - What? Oh, should I speak slower because of your crippling CTE?! Or maybe the short shorts are cutting off oxygen Aah! God damn it! [Crowd "Ohs".]
And scene.
[Laughter.]
Ow.
It's hard fitting in here, but there are some people who accept everybody.
We're those people.
Xander: I want to thank you all for giving up your Sunday afternoon to be here.
But that's the only time that Dean Shroff said the building was available.
But lest we not be triggered.
Onward and upward.
We have a new member joining us.
Welcome, Delilah.
Hi! I'm Delilah.
I just want to say I think it's great you guys are preaching love and tolerance Pause.
Can we unpack what you meant when you said "you guys"? Just like the people in this room.
Then say that, please.
Words matter.
Can we pause again? What do you have on your feet? I, uh shoes? [All inhale deeply.]
Delilah, those shoes are torture items steeped in the female slave trade.
A misogynist construct designed to oppress us.
Really? I just wanted to look good for my first week of college.
Your enjoyment of your oppression is problematic.
It's not that big of a deal, is it? Please don't diminish my reaction to your microaggression.
Wait.
Hold on.
Are you mad? [Passive aggressively.]
And please don't speak to me in a passive-aggressive tone, okay? Thank you.
What's wrong with a sensible pair of shoes? Hm, I like those.
I'm gonna chalk up your heteronormativesplaining to an ideological mind virus.
I don't understand what that means.
I think I'm literally going to be sick.
Oh, my God.
Do you need a barf bag? Did zer just invoke God in this space? God? Do you believe in God? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my science.
Have you not undergone any unconscious bias training? What? It's like she's never even seen Samantha Bee.
Who? Can someone privilege-check her, please? White privilege.
Cis privilege.
Orthodontic privilege.
Thick hair privilege.
Eyebrow privilege.
Oh, come on.
That's not a thing.
Tell that to Pam No-brows.
Oh.
Sorry.
Well, can we just slow down and look at my side here? Okay, so now there's two sides to every argument? Classic ze said, ze said, huh? You know, I came here because I thought this was a group of people who placed value on diversity and acceptance.
But you guys just seem like a bunch of judgy white chicks.
[Gasps.]
I am 1/16 Cherokee.
[Voice breaking.]
I'm trying to become bisexual.
[Crying.]
Do you think we like being in a club of hypocrites? The minorities on this campus refuse to join us, and you know what? They wouldn't understand their problems anyway.
As co-co-co-co-co-president, I can't ask you to leave, but I am allowed to show you where the door is.
It's there.
Sometimes a fun strappy kitten heel is just a fun strappy kitten heel.
God damn it! Mother[bleep.]
Damn it! Where do those keep coming from?! So did you have any fun? Oh, yeah.
Remember that awesome church in New York? - No.
- Dad walked on water and made out with a bunch of hot blonde Australian girls? Doesn't ring a bell.
Oh, come on.
You remember.
We were baptised, and Mom was furious.
Season 2.
Season 2? What does that even mean? Spring, summer, fall, winter.
Happened in summer.
Season 2 of 4.
There's only four seasons? For now.
Anyway guess where I went.
I don't know.
Statue of Liberty.
Oh, Paris.
New York! I went to New York.
Oh.
God.
You need it, I got it You want it, I got it You need it, I got it You sip it or pop it In the club, club In the club, club You need it, I got it You sip it or pop it In the club, club In the club, club Heeey! [Australian accent.]
Hey what? It's me Delilah.
Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
- See, people need more context.
- [Groans.]
I met you a few years ago, and you said I was welcome back any time.
Well, I stole some money from my family and ran away, and here I am.
You stole money? How much? About $150,000.
[Chuckles.]
Well, where is it now? In my backpack! Oh, dear.
Girls.
Girls! One second.
Girls! Found this, uh, little sinner out here on our doorstep.
You remember Delilah, don't you? [Australian accent.]
Oh, yeah! [Australian accent.]
Of course! Who could forget? And, Delilah, you remember my sisters Laura and Nicole.
Yeah.
I thought Laura was your mom.
Oh, mom in a way that we're all each other's mother and sister.
[Laughter.]
So, Delilah just stole $150,000 from her family.
Oh, no.
Delilah.
[Gasps.]
You have come to the right place.
God can forgive, but it's gonna take some work.
Cool, cool.
So can I come in? Nah.
Let's go out.
[All scream.]
[Dance music plays.]
[All screaming.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Cork pops.]
Whoo! - [Laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
This place looks expensive.
- It is.
- Yeah.
And we've fallen on some pretty hard times.
Jesus tried challenging our dad, Levi, with a test and implicated us in a tax fraud and real estate scandal.
Did he pass? Real estate's being settled out of court.
Fraud's still pending.
I suppose we could just hack our hair off with kitchen shears.
Nah.
I can afford it.
[Laughing, cheering.]
Bless! Oh, my God! You're the best! You're the best! - Delilah.
- Oh, my God! I don't just wake up flawless I go to bed like that You know my hair, face, and body always be intact Tell the truth, it don't take much effort Guess I'm just blessed like that Holy shit.
This is so expensive.
Am I paying for everybody's? Give to the poor and you will have riches in heaven.
- You know who said that, don't you? - Jesus? He did.
Matthew 19:21.
- [Glasses clink.]
- I know my swag is on fire And it burns, it burns, it burns - No.
- No.
No.
[Sighs.]
I've got it! Yeah.
My turn.
No, my turn, my turn.
Red carpet ready Red, red carpet ready Red carpet ready Red, red carpet ready, ready Red carpet ready Red, red carpet ready Bring my shoes and my clothes See me stuntin', yeah, you know me Red carpet ready I could stay at a motel for a year for what this skirt costs.
Oh, Delilah.
You can't put a price on joy.
But if you had to, it'd be $25,152.
Holy [bleep.]
Come on, Delilah.
Give us a smile.
God loves a cheerful giver.
Corinthians 9:7.
[Dance music plays.]
Jesus I need him, yes I need him, yes I need him, yes I need him, yes Some, some, some, some, some guys like Muhammad Some, some, some, some girls, some girls like Buddha Some, some, some, some Don't worry.
We've got another bottle coming.
Great.
What's another $15,000 bottle delivered by a monkey? I sense some sarcasm, but $15,000 is a bargain.
I've seen some monkey champagne for as high as $17.
5 million.
Man: We got a bottle of monkey champagne to go to table 13! [Monkey screeching.]
All: Monkey champagne! [Cheering.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
- And I guess I'm paying for it, huh?! - Mm-hmm.
Hey, what's all this who pays for this, who pays for that, Delilah? It's not very Christian.
In fact, it's kind of Jewish.
Well, then call me Jewish and this bottle's Christ, 'cause I'm killing it! Oh, that's kind of anti-Semitic.
The Romans killed Christ, right? I think so.
It's Jesus I need him, yes It's Jesus Lord Jesus I need him, yes I need him, yes You don't need your colleagues You don't need your friends You don't need no teachers No social trends Hey! Who needs cash?! 'Cause God apparently says if you don't give it all away, you suck! Shit-zekeal 69! No, Ezekiel only had 47 chapters.
[Bleep.]
off! Oh, Delilah, it's a joke.
We're taking the piss out of ya.
You want to take the piss out of me?! Fine! You can take that, too! Take it all! Can I have your attention, please? I would like to introduce you to someone who was a sinner but came to us and found her way, just like all of you.
Please give our newest sister a warm welcome to our community Delilah! [Urinating.]
[Monkey screeches.]
Oh.
I-I You fed me alcohol.
No, I didn't.
We're a Christian club.
You're drinking non-alcoholic fizzy.
Then Then why am I drunk? You're not.
No one is.
We're just high on Christ.
Well, uh, what should I do now? Well, I'd say "piss off," but you already have all over the table.
Aah! [Laughs.]
[Groans.]
How is this woman even my mother? I know.
Sometimes Dad does stuff, and I'm like, "There's no way I'm related to that guy.
" Heh.
Anyway, so, you were two months in, you got a shitty haircut, no money.
- What'd you do then? - I did what she did.
I found the money tree.
Great to see you, little gummy bear.
[Chuckles.]
Jared: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I cannot believe J.
R.
's back! I mean, why would you bury him in the third story? The guy's a star.
I mean, you lead with that shit, man.
- [Groans.]
- You lead with it.
[Softly.]
Man, J.
R.
's so cool.
I can't do it, kid.
I took a shot at parenting, and I choked.
Well, not literally.
I never gave a shit enough to get violent.
To choke somebody, you have to have expectations.
I was just a lousy dad.
You know, I'm not asking you to parent me.
- Uh-huh.
- I want to help you run drugs or whatever you're running.
- Soccer balls? - Full of drugs? [Chuckles.]
No, I'm just making charitable runs to Russia.
That doesn't sound like you.
You're right.
It doesn't.
I'll have to work on that story.
Still and all, I can't have you leading this kind of life.
You're not cut out for it.
I stole $150,000, an identity, and a car.
I'm good at this thief stuff.
[Chuckles.]
But I'm not a thief.
I just happen to think governments do nothing to deserve the huge taxes and tariffs they make me pay.
Well, they built this port and the highway I took to get here.
Touché.
I'll tell you what.
If you can spot the heat that's watching us right now, you're in.
I can always use a good pair of eyes.
Oh, okay.
Um, let's see.
Um Well [Chuckles nervously.]
Uh There's no one here.
Well, then, the answer's pretty clear, isn't it? Oh! Oh, it's you, isn't it? Jesus Christ.
I got it.
There is no heat.
There's always heat.
You just can't always spot them.
Wait, that was a trick question.
Sorry, kid.
You're out.
You have a nice life.
Hey, Conrad.
Take this paperwork down to the dock manager and get it stamped.
Then let's get the hell out of here.
I can do that.
Knock yourself out.
Yes! Um, hi there.
I-I'm here to - Paperwork.
- Here.
- Everything okay? - Yeah, totally.
These numbers look off.
What are you shipping? Uh, balls.
Soccer balls.
[Stammers.]
We We call 'em soccer balls.
The rest of the world calls them footballs.
What do you call them here in Canada? Soccer balls.
Well, you shouldn't, because, when you think about it, soccer soccer "footballs" makes more sense because you play with your foot.
[Stuttering.]
Balls.
Feet.
Fo balls.
Come with me.
Mm-hmm.
[Whispering.]
Shit.
You know, you probably should've joined the improv club.
You'd be a lot quicker on your feet.
[Sighs.]
Hey, when's Pee paw coming back to the story? That guy's awesome.
- One second.
Pee paw! - Hey! - Pee paw! - Hey! Let's open it up.
Why? It's just soccer balls, uh, like I said, for kids.
- Poor kids.
D-Do you have kids? - No.
Uh, well, you'd make an awesome dad.
You really should have kids.
So, can we just sign the papers so we can get the hell out of here? Either you open it or the heat does.
It's your call.
Um [Clipboard hits the ground.]
- Okay.
I guess I'm opening it.
- Wait.
You really don't have to open it.
It's just Let me just get my Pee paw for a second.
- [Crowbar clanks.]
- You really don't have to open it.
[Shrieks.]
[Screams.]
Aah! God! I'm covered in drugs! [Screaming.]
It burns! Help me! Drugs! Are you seeing this? This is just so much worse than I thought it would be.
It burns! Drugs! It's milk! Chill! [Whimpers.]
So, this whole thing was just for milk? Well, I mean, if you think Grade A Canadian homo milk is just milk.
But But you told me it was drugs! I definitely did not.
Though it'd be a hell of a lot easier to ship this shit if it were drugs.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Homo milk, huh? Is that from gay cows? "Homo" is short for "homogenized.
" Here, man.
- My man.
- Good to see you.
All right, man.
One oligarch controls 99% of the Russian dairy market, so the people have no choice but to drink his overpriced, under-pasteurized swill.
This homo stuff is cheap, and it's easy, which is what the Russian people really want.
Okay, boys! Clean this up.
Let's get it on the boat.
Wait, please.
I don't have anywhere else to go.
Go home.
You don't belong here.
You're not like your mother.
You're a good person.
This will barely get me a bus ticket.
So? You'll steal the rest.
You're good at this thief stuff, right? Isn't that what you told me? You just gave that guy a thousand bucks! No, that guy just earned a thousand bucks.
[Quietly.]
You told me it was drugs.
No, I didn't! Yeah! Get some! Oh, yeah! So, why'd you do it? Why'd you leave? I just wanted a place to belong where people accepted me for who I am.
You had that.
It's called home.
I know, but we were so messed up.
- What family isn't? - [Sighs.]
I bet you guys barely even noticed I was gone.
Are you kidding me? We travelled the globe chasing your videos.
You guys actually went to all those places?! Bet you guys had a lot of fun without me.
Oh, no.
It was terrible.
But Japan.
Oh, God.
Japan was the worst.
[Gong sounds.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Ha-ha! Aaaaaah!
I can't get over the new look.
Um, it it's like a grown-up version of you.
And you're drinking hot chocolate.
I mean, that's that's grown-up, man.
It's coffee.
I love it.
[Gulps, gags.]
Delicious.
Yeah.
So how's your year been? I mean, what's the story? You want the long version or the short version? Uh, which one's faster? Delilah: I had money, I had freedom, and was ready to live the life of my dreams.
Oh, this version's taking forever.
It's literally been five seconds.
Really? It felt a lot longer, especially 'cause Mom and Dad weren't in this one.
Spoiler alert They're not in this story.
[Door opens.]
[Woman moaning loudly.]
Oh, shit.
[Moaning continues.]
What is it about life-changing events that make women want to cut all their hair off with kitchen scissors? I don't know! Still, a year on your own.
I mean, you're like a legit adult now.
Sure you don't want some kids' food? I mean, just for old time's sake.
Nice doughnut French toast.
No one can resist that.
[Muffled.]
This is so good! I know.
I thought you might like it.
Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
I spent two years planning my escape and zero time thinking about what to do after I actually got free.
So, what did you do? I did what any 16 year old with a fake back story would do.
I went to college.
Delilah: It was a bastion of free thinking, inclusive idealism, a place where I could learn and grow as a person who God damn it! Sorry about that.
That's okay.
Hey, but that's what practice is for, right, girls? [Young women cheer.]
Oh, you weren't talking to me.
Oh, that's so sad.
It gets sadder.
Are you thinking of joining a cappella? Aca-lutely.
- What? - Defi-notely! Oh, yeah.
We don't do puns.
We do pitch.
Can you match? Try and stop me, pitch.
[Vocalizing.]
[Vocalizing off-key.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Vocalizing off-key.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Vocalizing off-key.]
Well, that was aca-ward.
It just feels like we should be raising money for research, and every dollar you waste on your virtue-signaling swag is one dollar less that goes to a viable cure.
You seem like fun.
Delilah: I mean, I get the benefits of developing material.
I just think it's unfair to ask people to watch a shitty rehearsal.
And we have got to lose these matching bowling shirts.
And scene.
Aah! [Grunts.]
What the hell?! You just got your big balls flying everywhere, - don't ya?! - What? Oh, should I speak slower because of your crippling CTE?! Or maybe the short shorts are cutting off oxygen Aah! God damn it! [Crowd "Ohs".]
And scene.
[Laughter.]
Ow.
It's hard fitting in here, but there are some people who accept everybody.
We're those people.
Xander: I want to thank you all for giving up your Sunday afternoon to be here.
But that's the only time that Dean Shroff said the building was available.
But lest we not be triggered.
Onward and upward.
We have a new member joining us.
Welcome, Delilah.
Hi! I'm Delilah.
I just want to say I think it's great you guys are preaching love and tolerance Pause.
Can we unpack what you meant when you said "you guys"? Just like the people in this room.
Then say that, please.
Words matter.
Can we pause again? What do you have on your feet? I, uh shoes? [All inhale deeply.]
Delilah, those shoes are torture items steeped in the female slave trade.
A misogynist construct designed to oppress us.
Really? I just wanted to look good for my first week of college.
Your enjoyment of your oppression is problematic.
It's not that big of a deal, is it? Please don't diminish my reaction to your microaggression.
Wait.
Hold on.
Are you mad? [Passive aggressively.]
And please don't speak to me in a passive-aggressive tone, okay? Thank you.
What's wrong with a sensible pair of shoes? Hm, I like those.
I'm gonna chalk up your heteronormativesplaining to an ideological mind virus.
I don't understand what that means.
I think I'm literally going to be sick.
Oh, my God.
Do you need a barf bag? Did zer just invoke God in this space? God? Do you believe in God? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my science.
Have you not undergone any unconscious bias training? What? It's like she's never even seen Samantha Bee.
Who? Can someone privilege-check her, please? White privilege.
Cis privilege.
Orthodontic privilege.
Thick hair privilege.
Eyebrow privilege.
Oh, come on.
That's not a thing.
Tell that to Pam No-brows.
Oh.
Sorry.
Well, can we just slow down and look at my side here? Okay, so now there's two sides to every argument? Classic ze said, ze said, huh? You know, I came here because I thought this was a group of people who placed value on diversity and acceptance.
But you guys just seem like a bunch of judgy white chicks.
[Gasps.]
I am 1/16 Cherokee.
[Voice breaking.]
I'm trying to become bisexual.
[Crying.]
Do you think we like being in a club of hypocrites? The minorities on this campus refuse to join us, and you know what? They wouldn't understand their problems anyway.
As co-co-co-co-co-president, I can't ask you to leave, but I am allowed to show you where the door is.
It's there.
Sometimes a fun strappy kitten heel is just a fun strappy kitten heel.
God damn it! Mother[bleep.]
Damn it! Where do those keep coming from?! So did you have any fun? Oh, yeah.
Remember that awesome church in New York? - No.
- Dad walked on water and made out with a bunch of hot blonde Australian girls? Doesn't ring a bell.
Oh, come on.
You remember.
We were baptised, and Mom was furious.
Season 2.
Season 2? What does that even mean? Spring, summer, fall, winter.
Happened in summer.
Season 2 of 4.
There's only four seasons? For now.
Anyway guess where I went.
I don't know.
Statue of Liberty.
Oh, Paris.
New York! I went to New York.
Oh.
God.
You need it, I got it You want it, I got it You need it, I got it You sip it or pop it In the club, club In the club, club You need it, I got it You sip it or pop it In the club, club In the club, club Heeey! [Australian accent.]
Hey what? It's me Delilah.
Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
- See, people need more context.
- [Groans.]
I met you a few years ago, and you said I was welcome back any time.
Well, I stole some money from my family and ran away, and here I am.
You stole money? How much? About $150,000.
[Chuckles.]
Well, where is it now? In my backpack! Oh, dear.
Girls.
Girls! One second.
Girls! Found this, uh, little sinner out here on our doorstep.
You remember Delilah, don't you? [Australian accent.]
Oh, yeah! [Australian accent.]
Of course! Who could forget? And, Delilah, you remember my sisters Laura and Nicole.
Yeah.
I thought Laura was your mom.
Oh, mom in a way that we're all each other's mother and sister.
[Laughter.]
So, Delilah just stole $150,000 from her family.
Oh, no.
Delilah.
[Gasps.]
You have come to the right place.
God can forgive, but it's gonna take some work.
Cool, cool.
So can I come in? Nah.
Let's go out.
[All scream.]
[Dance music plays.]
[All screaming.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Cork pops.]
Whoo! - [Laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
This place looks expensive.
- It is.
- Yeah.
And we've fallen on some pretty hard times.
Jesus tried challenging our dad, Levi, with a test and implicated us in a tax fraud and real estate scandal.
Did he pass? Real estate's being settled out of court.
Fraud's still pending.
I suppose we could just hack our hair off with kitchen shears.
Nah.
I can afford it.
[Laughing, cheering.]
Bless! Oh, my God! You're the best! You're the best! - Delilah.
- Oh, my God! I don't just wake up flawless I go to bed like that You know my hair, face, and body always be intact Tell the truth, it don't take much effort Guess I'm just blessed like that Holy shit.
This is so expensive.
Am I paying for everybody's? Give to the poor and you will have riches in heaven.
- You know who said that, don't you? - Jesus? He did.
Matthew 19:21.
- [Glasses clink.]
- I know my swag is on fire And it burns, it burns, it burns - No.
- No.
No.
[Sighs.]
I've got it! Yeah.
My turn.
No, my turn, my turn.
Red carpet ready Red, red carpet ready Red carpet ready Red, red carpet ready, ready Red carpet ready Red, red carpet ready Bring my shoes and my clothes See me stuntin', yeah, you know me Red carpet ready I could stay at a motel for a year for what this skirt costs.
Oh, Delilah.
You can't put a price on joy.
But if you had to, it'd be $25,152.
Holy [bleep.]
Come on, Delilah.
Give us a smile.
God loves a cheerful giver.
Corinthians 9:7.
[Dance music plays.]
Jesus I need him, yes I need him, yes I need him, yes I need him, yes Some, some, some, some, some guys like Muhammad Some, some, some, some girls, some girls like Buddha Some, some, some, some Don't worry.
We've got another bottle coming.
Great.
What's another $15,000 bottle delivered by a monkey? I sense some sarcasm, but $15,000 is a bargain.
I've seen some monkey champagne for as high as $17.
5 million.
Man: We got a bottle of monkey champagne to go to table 13! [Monkey screeching.]
All: Monkey champagne! [Cheering.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
- And I guess I'm paying for it, huh?! - Mm-hmm.
Hey, what's all this who pays for this, who pays for that, Delilah? It's not very Christian.
In fact, it's kind of Jewish.
Well, then call me Jewish and this bottle's Christ, 'cause I'm killing it! Oh, that's kind of anti-Semitic.
The Romans killed Christ, right? I think so.
It's Jesus I need him, yes It's Jesus Lord Jesus I need him, yes I need him, yes You don't need your colleagues You don't need your friends You don't need no teachers No social trends Hey! Who needs cash?! 'Cause God apparently says if you don't give it all away, you suck! Shit-zekeal 69! No, Ezekiel only had 47 chapters.
[Bleep.]
off! Oh, Delilah, it's a joke.
We're taking the piss out of ya.
You want to take the piss out of me?! Fine! You can take that, too! Take it all! Can I have your attention, please? I would like to introduce you to someone who was a sinner but came to us and found her way, just like all of you.
Please give our newest sister a warm welcome to our community Delilah! [Urinating.]
[Monkey screeches.]
Oh.
I-I You fed me alcohol.
No, I didn't.
We're a Christian club.
You're drinking non-alcoholic fizzy.
Then Then why am I drunk? You're not.
No one is.
We're just high on Christ.
Well, uh, what should I do now? Well, I'd say "piss off," but you already have all over the table.
Aah! [Laughs.]
[Groans.]
How is this woman even my mother? I know.
Sometimes Dad does stuff, and I'm like, "There's no way I'm related to that guy.
" Heh.
Anyway, so, you were two months in, you got a shitty haircut, no money.
- What'd you do then? - I did what she did.
I found the money tree.
Great to see you, little gummy bear.
[Chuckles.]
Jared: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I cannot believe J.
R.
's back! I mean, why would you bury him in the third story? The guy's a star.
I mean, you lead with that shit, man.
- [Groans.]
- You lead with it.
[Softly.]
Man, J.
R.
's so cool.
I can't do it, kid.
I took a shot at parenting, and I choked.
Well, not literally.
I never gave a shit enough to get violent.
To choke somebody, you have to have expectations.
I was just a lousy dad.
You know, I'm not asking you to parent me.
- Uh-huh.
- I want to help you run drugs or whatever you're running.
- Soccer balls? - Full of drugs? [Chuckles.]
No, I'm just making charitable runs to Russia.
That doesn't sound like you.
You're right.
It doesn't.
I'll have to work on that story.
Still and all, I can't have you leading this kind of life.
You're not cut out for it.
I stole $150,000, an identity, and a car.
I'm good at this thief stuff.
[Chuckles.]
But I'm not a thief.
I just happen to think governments do nothing to deserve the huge taxes and tariffs they make me pay.
Well, they built this port and the highway I took to get here.
Touché.
I'll tell you what.
If you can spot the heat that's watching us right now, you're in.
I can always use a good pair of eyes.
Oh, okay.
Um, let's see.
Um Well [Chuckles nervously.]
Uh There's no one here.
Well, then, the answer's pretty clear, isn't it? Oh! Oh, it's you, isn't it? Jesus Christ.
I got it.
There is no heat.
There's always heat.
You just can't always spot them.
Wait, that was a trick question.
Sorry, kid.
You're out.
You have a nice life.
Hey, Conrad.
Take this paperwork down to the dock manager and get it stamped.
Then let's get the hell out of here.
I can do that.
Knock yourself out.
Yes! Um, hi there.
I-I'm here to - Paperwork.
- Here.
- Everything okay? - Yeah, totally.
These numbers look off.
What are you shipping? Uh, balls.
Soccer balls.
[Stammers.]
We We call 'em soccer balls.
The rest of the world calls them footballs.
What do you call them here in Canada? Soccer balls.
Well, you shouldn't, because, when you think about it, soccer soccer "footballs" makes more sense because you play with your foot.
[Stuttering.]
Balls.
Feet.
Fo balls.
Come with me.
Mm-hmm.
[Whispering.]
Shit.
You know, you probably should've joined the improv club.
You'd be a lot quicker on your feet.
[Sighs.]
Hey, when's Pee paw coming back to the story? That guy's awesome.
- One second.
Pee paw! - Hey! - Pee paw! - Hey! Let's open it up.
Why? It's just soccer balls, uh, like I said, for kids.
- Poor kids.
D-Do you have kids? - No.
Uh, well, you'd make an awesome dad.
You really should have kids.
So, can we just sign the papers so we can get the hell out of here? Either you open it or the heat does.
It's your call.
Um [Clipboard hits the ground.]
- Okay.
I guess I'm opening it.
- Wait.
You really don't have to open it.
It's just Let me just get my Pee paw for a second.
- [Crowbar clanks.]
- You really don't have to open it.
[Shrieks.]
[Screams.]
Aah! God! I'm covered in drugs! [Screaming.]
It burns! Help me! Drugs! Are you seeing this? This is just so much worse than I thought it would be.
It burns! Drugs! It's milk! Chill! [Whimpers.]
So, this whole thing was just for milk? Well, I mean, if you think Grade A Canadian homo milk is just milk.
But But you told me it was drugs! I definitely did not.
Though it'd be a hell of a lot easier to ship this shit if it were drugs.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Homo milk, huh? Is that from gay cows? "Homo" is short for "homogenized.
" Here, man.
- My man.
- Good to see you.
All right, man.
One oligarch controls 99% of the Russian dairy market, so the people have no choice but to drink his overpriced, under-pasteurized swill.
This homo stuff is cheap, and it's easy, which is what the Russian people really want.
Okay, boys! Clean this up.
Let's get it on the boat.
Wait, please.
I don't have anywhere else to go.
Go home.
You don't belong here.
You're not like your mother.
You're a good person.
This will barely get me a bus ticket.
So? You'll steal the rest.
You're good at this thief stuff, right? Isn't that what you told me? You just gave that guy a thousand bucks! No, that guy just earned a thousand bucks.
[Quietly.]
You told me it was drugs.
No, I didn't! Yeah! Get some! Oh, yeah! So, why'd you do it? Why'd you leave? I just wanted a place to belong where people accepted me for who I am.
You had that.
It's called home.
I know, but we were so messed up.
- What family isn't? - [Sighs.]
I bet you guys barely even noticed I was gone.
Are you kidding me? We travelled the globe chasing your videos.
You guys actually went to all those places?! Bet you guys had a lot of fun without me.
Oh, no.
It was terrible.
But Japan.
Oh, God.
Japan was the worst.
[Gong sounds.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Ha-ha! Aaaaaah!