The Durrells (2016) s04e05 Episode Script

1 There we are.
Mmm.
I went to Corfu Town yesterday, and they've swept it.
They've swept it? Mmm.
For the visit of the King of Greece.
Oh, so that's why they were washing the trees.
Washing the trees? You want to make the place look nice for your monarch, don't you? The last king, his brother was killed by monkey.
Hah! You see! It's an important visit because King George can help restore national pride and stiffen resolve against Germany and Italy.
I know things.
I just don't shout about them.
God, I sound like Margo.
At last, we are back in the locals' good books, so let's help with the celebrations.
Theo's part of some welcoming committee.
Mmm-hmm, yeah, I-I'm a committed royalist.
Love a queen, so I'll do my bit.
Good morning, Durrells.
Oh! Morning, Spiros.
Sleep well? Yes, despite a goat with a cough finding its way up into the attic.
Then the weasels sat on my face.
Lemurs.
Sorry, darling, but Spiros is working hard building your animal enclosures.
Course, ideally, they'd all just roam.
Yeah, then ideally we'd hunt them down with my Lee-Enfield and put them in a pie.
Where shall I leave my laundry? Oh, I'll take it, thank you.
That's how romance rubs off, exchange of used underwear.
There is no romance.
It's a practical arrangement.
This is good, isn't it? Yes.
So why do I keep thinking something will go wrong? Have you talked to your wife? No.
She's a mystery to me.
At first, mystery is nice.
Then not.
Well, safe to say we're over the mystery stage.
Actually, you can do it.
ANNOUNCEMENT OVER TANNOY CHATTER Good day.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Buongiorno? Si.
Buongiorno, signorina.
Guten tag.
Kalimera.
How delightfully European.
TRAIN WHISTLE So, Basil, we've agreed that you're going to stop your doodah with Spiros' wife.
Well, I've had a think.
And no.
What?! Oh, come on, Basil! No, I'm addicted to love.
But I'd rather not be killed by Spiros, I've seen his sledgehammer, so very happy to keep it quiet.
No, no, I'm hopeless at keeping secrets.
I'm not very good either, so we'll both have to raise our game.
Dimitra and I are being very discreet now.
Spiros and my mother obviously love spending time together.
Let's hope he stops caring what his wife's up to.
But I'm VERY disappointed! If Spiros finds out you're sleeping with his wife, all of this niceness will end.
It's your fault.
You more or less frog-marched me into Dimitra's lovely lap.
Apart from anything, since Larry's left, I'm supposed to be mother's confidant, but I can't tell her anything.
Basil's looking pleased with himself these days.
Has he found a lady friend? I hope so.
That'll make life so much simpler.
Well, put your glad-rags on.
We're off.
THEY ALL ARGUE IN GREEK Shh, shh.
And now in English, for Mrs, and Leslie Durrell.
Sitting there beautifully.
Quietly.
The Royal ship will sail past their house, so let's have some sort of display from there, which the very creative Durrells will come up with.
Well, we did have an Indian Prince at the house once, and it has been said, I'm a bit of a princess.
I'll cook something.
And I'm an ex-policeman, so could be an elite bodyguard.
Though we wouldn't want a repeat of that shooting that started the Great War! In fact, the Mayor suggested we involve the Boy Scouts.
Patrol Leader Demetrios is looking for a successor.
Perhaps you could be him, Leslie.
I'd be delighted.
Young minds, smart uniforms, outdoor pursuits, discipline.
All the good bits from the Hitler Youth.
But not the bad bits.
Leslie Durrell.
You tried to join my Fire Brigade.
That was humiliating.
But I thrive on disappointment! You're prepared to take over as Patrol Leader? Yes, I am.
"Be prepared"! It's in the rules.
They are becoming too high-spirited for me.
Well, I come from a headstrong family, so I'm used to unruly behaviour.
Shall I watch you and learn? Good idea.
Boys.
Hello, lads.
Don't worry.
I was expecting that.
This is like the novel Murder On The Orient Express, by Agatha Christie.
Do you know it? Someone is killed on a train on which there are different foreign passengers.
Who did it? The history of the world is an history of aggression.
Ah? We're all guilty.
Maybe the British woman did it.
Why do you say that? Because the British cannot be trusted.
Good, that's broken the ice.
Who'd like a sandwich? My Aunt Prue made these for me.
What is in them? Looks like pilchards and pickle.
Ah It's nice out here.
With the old .
.
sea.
So Any news from your wife? No.
Hah! I was just thinking about how possessive we get, then we look back and realise how silly we were.
Before marriage, what do you say, fill your boots?! I know I did.
I know.
Any girlfriend I've had on Corfu, you went out with her mother! But after marriage, you've made your vows, so be faithful, and honourable.
Yeah, ideally I loved my father, but he cheated on my mother, a lot.
Each time, it tore another piece off her heart .
.
until there was nothing left.
And I promised her I would never be like my father.
Excuse me.
Spiros just It's all right, I heard.
Now will you tell his wife that it's over? Of course.
I'm sorry.
And for God's sake, keep this from my mother, as well as Spiros.
Just have to wander back to Dorset, won't I? Resume my life as a dusty solicitor.
Maybe it's best.
You could move into something like conveyancing.
That'll get my pulse racing (!) I'll just stay for the King's visit.
And I'll say goodbye to Dimitra.
I'll do that for you.
No, I'll do it.
SHE SHRIEKS PLAYFULLY Hah.
Fit for a Greek king.
Thank you.
But you can just call me Spiros.
They say cooking is like making love.
Don't be salacious.
I will come over there and wash your mouth out.
OK.
Me first, then I'll do yours.
Ah! Stop it! Gerry, you've made a beautiful zoo.
Thanks.
With a touch of farmyard.
I hear you're being driven mad by the Royal Welcoming Committee.
Yes, and I thought the Corfu Lunar Society were tricky! But they tell me the King loves wildlife.
I'll ask him for a donation.
No, no, don't do that, but could you lay on a tableau of animals for him to enjoy as he sails past? As long as he doesn't expect them to stand there immobile, quietly grinning.
No, the rest of us will do that.
Thank you, Gerry.
I'll tick that off my list.
Mmm.
That's good.
Those are really good.
Too good.
We'll keep these.
Mr and Mrs Bunn, the royal bakers! Greetings.
What news from the King? He's here in two days, and at this rate, he'll take one look at Corfu, and head for a more organised island.
Well, this is ready, at least.
What is it supposed to be? The King's face.
It's harder than it looks to put a face on a pie, you'll find, Theo.
Ah, right, Theo, for the king's visit Six scouts will do a drumroll on massive drums, then the other boys will swing down on ropes from the big trees in the garden, there, there, and there.
Each of them will activate blue and white fireworks, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
Are you out of your mind? Yes, at this late stage, something simpler and less fatal? And darling, please involve Gerry in your Scout troop.
Why? Well, because I'd love the two of you to get on better.
And to broaden Gerry's horizons from animals.
Get an interest in knots.
Or bugling.
But he'll just hate it and make fun.
No, not if he's involved.
Oh, he is your brother.
To prevail on you again, there are more officials from the royal advance party than we realised.
Do you have any spare accommodation? Um, yes.
We have two guests in one room, and Gerry, Basil, and Leslie in theirs.
Otherwise And Spiros has his own room? Oh, God, yes.
Yes, Spiros has his own room! Of course.
If I may, I'll send you a guest or two, non-paying, I'm afraid.
Fine.
And Spiros really does have his own room.
I know.
You said! Of course people think you're having an affair with Spiros.
I thought you didn't care.
Well, I wouldn't, if it were true! I'm being hung for a crime I haven't had the pleasure of committing.
He's living with you, they're bound to think he's more than a handyman.
Spiros has his own bedroom, on a different floor to mine.
Yes, and there's no way he could get into your bedroom from there (!) He'd have to walk yards These are gorgeous.
You and Spiros should open a patisserie.
I want him so badly.
Blimey.
But I'm petrified.
Why? Well, look at my record.
My husband died at 43, Sven told me he was homosexual the day before we were due to be married.
Yes, shame on you! Hugh was stabbed.
Daphne and Leslie were halfway up the aisle, look what happened to them.
We're happily married.
Despite the thing he does with the, erm Anyway! It does happen, you know.
Well, it's all academic, anyway.
Spiros may not love Dimitra, but he's wedded to her, in every sense.
Oh, I have an update on her rumoured indiscretion.
I don't need a dramatic pause.
Well, apparently it's with a foreigner, because she feels that doesn't count.
Thank God Larry's away, or I'd suspect him.
So I'll be using English, the most important language in the world.
And it'll get you an English badge.
Anyone who doesn't understand, put your hand up.
How would I get my Anti-Hunting badge? That doesn't exist, but do try for the Idiot Badge.
Yes, Sotiris? Can we go to the zoo of Gerry? Yes, but only because that's where we're going to practise our display for the King.
Yes, Stavros? My parents say the British are bad.
Really.
And who do they like better? Nazis.
I've got my eye on you.
Right, we will now march to my house.
I will lead, my brother Gerald will bring up the rear.
Panos, drum.
We are all going to home.
Margo, why are you in the other direction? Where would you rather be, England or Greece? My family are in Corfu.
War or no war, I wanna be with them.
What madness, we all must run home.
Like er, rabbits disappearing into holes.
It was you who invaded Albania.
No.
No, I have an alibi.
I was sitting in a cafe in Paris.
We should be like Switzerland.
They say no to war.
So they can say yes to making more money.
So you think only Greece is perfect, with its prime minister who burns books he doesn't like, and would embrace fascism if his King wasn't so pro-Britain? I can read a newspaper.
Why not persuade your family to join you in England, huh? Because Corfu feels like home.
A MAN HUMS Oh.
Herete.
You must be part of the royal entourage? Yes.
Theodore Stephanides sent us.
Ah, right, well, er, let me take you to your rooms.
Or would you like to show the Royal party upstairs, Lugaretzia? No.
Lugaretzia is a republican.
Do not tell them! Yes, she is full of surprises.
But her real allegiance is to hypochondria.
Don't ask her how she's feeling.
She will tell you.
Ah, at ease.
Good walking.
Kosmas, are we recovered? Good boy.
A bleeding knee is a happy knee.
Oh, and well done for ignoring the crazy shouting man.
We are not a military organisation, or silly We are here to make friends, serve our elders, and learn skills.
And today's skill is knotting.
Here are your practice ropes.
Now, knots are vital.
Without them, our lives would literally fall apart.
HE CHUCKLES Now, these are your practice ropes Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going? To see the animals.
Gerry, can you get them back, please? Gerry! Oh, hello, Leslie! I'm so proud of you, poppet.
Mother, can you not? I'm a figure of authority Oh, yes, of course, sorry.
How's it going? Yes, very well.
We're just taking a short break MAN SINGING # Let me call you sweetheart # Because we are through # Let me hear you whisper That you love me too Yamas! # Let the love light glowing # In your eyes, so true # Let me call you sweetheart Because agapi mou No WHISPERING: I think Dimitra's foreign lover is Basil.
SHE GASPS No! On our trip to Kalami, she really seemed to like him.
And now he's being all lovey-dovey and singing with a Greek accent.
Hah Good enough for me.
But he's so Well, some women do go for that shiny-Englishman-in-a-cravat type.
Are you talking about me? No! Er, only in the broadest, woolliest sense.
Your amazing cakes! That was it.
Thank you.
In fact, I'm a terrible cook, but I have a secret ingredient.
Oh, what's that? Mrs Durrells.
So, what are you going to do? Oh, I don't know.
Not tell Leslie.
He'd strangle Basil with his own voluminous shorts.
Still, it's exciting that this may finally get you two together.
No, the opposite will happen.
Spiros said he'll kill Dimitra's boyfriend, and here we are, harbouring him.
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR Kalimera.
Oh! It's more courtiers Florence, you have spare rooms No, we haven't.
This would make a good crime novel.
What? A person less each time.
Killed one by one in inventive ways, but by which member of the group? Ovvio, no? Too obvious.
He seems dangerous, so he must be an absolute sweetie.
Well, you seem sweet, so you must be dangerous.
Damn, he's noticed! Right, I hope you've all brought your flags.
And the rest of you? Sorry, we forgot.
Well, we can't practise properly, then, can we? We can go and see the animals again.
No! No! No! No! No! Stop! Gerald Durrell.
Your behaviour falls below the standard required to remain a member of the Corfu Patrol.
I'm going to court-martial you.
And what does that involve? The confiscation of your woggle.
What is a woggle? This is a woggle! THE BOYS MUTTER IN GREEK I have animals to prepare for the royal visit, so KNOCK AT DOOR Might I have a word? Please excuse any items of an intimate nature.
I've been cleaning your room all year.
I am horribly familiar with your intimabilia.
I'll speak plainly.
I know you've started seeing a woman, because you've been galloping through your aftershave like an over-zealous gigolo.
You'd make an excellent vice-squad detective.
Thank you.
Do you want to tell me who she is, assuming it's a she? Yes, it's a she! Sorry.
I can't tell you who it is, because she is a very private person.
It's Spiros's wife, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Basil, of all the women on Corfu! Why Dimitra? Two reasons.
She's beautiful, and she's nice to me.
That isn't a reason! Those aren't the two reasons.
They're bracketed together under Reason One.
So you could say there are three reasons.
Reason Two, under the original numbering system I didn't think it would do your chances of getting together with Spiros any harm.
I don't believe Reason Two for one moment.
Dimitra only contemplated having relations with me because you are having them with Spiros.
I am not! How dare she say that?! Well, you'll be pleased to hear that .
.
I will be leaving Corfu imminently.
I'm sorry.
But thank you.
It's for the best.
GENERAL CHATTER FRANTIC CONVERSATION ALL TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER SCREAMING, COMMOTION Have you noticed, nobody's tried to sit in this carriage? Yes.
Isn't that surprising? No.
You did not notice my home-made sign? No.
Otherwise I'd have removed it.
I like meeting people.
Soon it might not be easy to cross Europe like this.
Nobody in Europe is as interesting as me.
Think of the chances of that being true My last boyfriend, Zoltan, was arrogant, like you, til I tamed him.
What happened? He went home to Turkey.
Turks are Don't be rude! As soon as I saw you, I wanted the others to leave us.
So why have you been so unpleasant since Paris? I thought I was being interesting.
I wanted to get your attention.
Really? Well, next time, try this.
You're moving gradually closer.
Yes.
It helps we've been breathing the same air for two days.
I almost can't imagine not being with you.
Good.
Don't try.
Go on, then.
I can't sleep cos I'm thinking of all the ways I could kill Gerry.
Why, is there a scout badge for killing? Well, if there isn't already, I'll start one! Shh.
Idiot! It's really not Shh.
How many people are in the house? I almost envy Margo, tucked up in her own bedroom in England.
Prue and Geoffrey across the hallway, snoring away in their heavy-duty pyjamas.
Mmm Larry hasn't written for ages.
I hate not knowing where all of you are.
You're my planets.
I want you in a fixed constellation around me.
I'm here.
Here.
Thank you.
So, tomorrow the King will sail past on his ship, and we do things.
We'd make the effort if our own monarch sailed past our house.
What are your Scouts doing? Oh, you'll see tomorrow.
Precision choreography.
No thanks to Gerry.
Well, I've got a zoo to run, can't spend time playing at toy soldiers.
Well, say that politely and don't go, rather than sabotaging Leslie's dream of being taken seriously.
Yeah.
And what are animals, if not toy people? Basil says he's leaving soon.
Oh, yes, he mentioned that.
He loves it here.
Why would he leave? Probably just wants to go home.
Exactly.
"I fear I am trying your patience with these outpourings.
"But what are offspring for, if not to sit and listen? "Love, Mother.
"PS.
Also, your father would be so proud of you ".
.
if he hadn't so stupidly died.
" "Mamma, fear not, your 12 pages rushed past, "though page eight sagged somewhat "under the weight of its extended bread metaphor.
"I'm blooming, despite Hitler doing his best to ruin the mood.
"If I wanted a shouty little shithead in my life, "I'd've ordered one.
"Pardon my Chaucerian vernacular.
"In case a bomb falls on me in Paris in some sudden pre-emptive strike, "know that I miss you, and I love you.
" I'm sorry to call so early, but the King's sailing past in a couple of hours and I have bunting to iron.
I've only come because there seems to be some confusion.
I have never so much as kissed your husband.
So why is he living with you? Because he's helping out around the house and the garden.
He's building homes for our 93 animals.
You made it clear you didn't want Spiros in your life.
Why else would you take your children away to Athens? Because for years he has been under your spell, and I had enough.
So ask him back.
I'm sure he'll come.
But you don't want him back now, do you? Because you have Basil.
Basil is kind, and generous.
Spiros gives me nothing.
Because he has no money! And you'd only make fun of him.
I've seen you.
You see the boyfriend Spiros.
I see the husband, with the shouting, and he thinks he owns me.
Yes, well, they can be a bit like that, can't they? Men.
Yes.
I used to worship my late husband .
.
but even he could be a bit of a Well, a zoo-keeper with me.
He was loving and protective, but Anyway.
Basil isn't like that.
He listens.
It wasn't even his idea to come to me.
But he said it was.
No, it was your son, Leslie's.
What?! To make it easier for you to be with Spiros, with me the evil adulteress.
Well, Basil is leaving, so you and Spiros need to decide whether or not you have a future together.
And if he says no, you are there, waiting for him.
Spiros is an honourable man.
If he was going to walk away from your marriage, he would've done so a long time ago.
Excellent work.
And keep the flags straight.
Well done, Panos.
And flutter.
Down.
And moving in And the flags going out! And into the wave formation Kalos.
Poli kala! You're only letting yourself down, Stavros.
I think we can improve on that final shape, but well done.
Final run-through shortly, in front of the officials.
STAVROS WHISPERS IN GREEK SHE GIGGLES THE DOOR RATTLES Spiros I was just saying a final goodbye to your special lady.
Are you leaving? Yes.
And everyone I've known on Corfu is getting a quick visit.
If they want one or not! How cruel! Anyway, I'll leave you to your .
.
marriage.
It's OK.
I've just come for my smart suit, for when I meet the King.
Jolly good.
Basil? Thank you for taking the trouble to call on my wife.
What a nice thought.
To put around this, for the King to see.
Believe me, you don't wanna wrap a flag around a barn owl.
You'll have his beak through your hand.
Oh.
And what's this for? The snakes.
No, you can't paint the snakes blue.
GENERAL HUBBUB Yassas.
This is the First Corfu Town Scout Troupe's welcome to King George.
Come on, boys, in we get.
So, the King's ship will be coming from that direction, and when it gets there, this happens! MUSIC PLAYS Leslie, darling, I need to talk to you about Basil.
THE LOCALS SING ALONG HE COUNTS IN GREEK THE CROWD GASP Swastika? What are you doing? Boys? Ooh, a swastika.
That's a little off-colour.
Stop that swastika right now! Anybody contributing to the Nazi symbol will have to return their Scout badges.
And yes, Stavros, that means you! Get them down! Stop! Stop! Stop that! Stop that right now! Please I don't think Leslie's Scouts should perform for the King.
They might give the wrong idea.
In fact, the King isn't sailing this way.
There's been a change of plan.
I'm really disappointed in you.
It's like actual Germany, isn't it? One bad fly ruins an otherwise excellent and decent soup.
Oh, well! Anyone need any Greek flags? You did say NOT the bad bits from the Hitler Youth, remember? I went to see Dimitra early this morning.
And she told me it was your master plan to get Basil together with her.
Oh, thank God you know, it's been killing me.
I'm sorry, I thought it would help you end up with Spiros.
Then I realised it was a mistake, but Basil wouldn't give Dimitra up.
There's been enough deception.
Let's admit the whole truth to Spiros.
But he said he'd kill whoever was having an affair with his wife.
It's Basil, I think it's worth risking.
And he's leaving tonight.
Where is everybody?! Three trays of cake, I feel like Goldilocks.
It can't be! Oh, Margo! You didn't tell us you were coming back.
I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
Margo's back, everyone! God, you're loud.
Ah, sorry, I've been screaming at Boy Scouts.
I know that voice.
How was your trip? Um, very fruitful.
Nikos? Oh Hello.
Hello.
Boyfriend? Yes.
And he's going to live with us.
Oh, well, we're rather crowded, I'm afraid, you may have to share a bed.
I don't mind.
That is not a problem.
No, not the two of you together! This is a genteel house now.
Well, Spiros is staying here! That's very different, isn't it? Because Spiros is doing jobs around the house.
Now, we are just getting ready to take this food into town to join in whatever is left of the celebrations.
Oh, what are we celebrating? The pointless King is visiting.
Ah, that's nice.
Can I have some of this dog-face pie? That's the King.
FIREWORKS EXPLODE CHEERING Where is everybody? There's still some confusion as to where the King should be now, but I've given up worrying.
We enjoy confusion.
Where's Basil? He's finally gone back to England.
MUSIC PLAYS George Formby.
Ah! George Formby.
Wow.
THE MOVIE STOPS What a shame.
The royal visit is a big success.
I've driven many people many miles to see the King.
What does he look like? We couldn't find him.
Spiros This isn't easy .
.
but you'll find out soon enough.
What? You know your wife was having an affair? Well, it was with Basil.
And And I put Basil up to it.
I thought it would bring you and Mother together.
But Basil's left Corfu now, so Hello, everyone! Ah packing, eh! Maybe I should burn it all and just take a toothbrush and a hefty Trollope for the journey home.
Basil, man, will you ever leave?! You My wife? Spiros Spiros.
Let's Let's talk about this.
You were in my house today! Just to say goodbye.
It would be rude not to.
Defend yourself.
Sorry? Spiros, we're all to blame.
You interfered in my life and my marriage.
I was the last to know.
I can never forgive you.
Spiros I think we can agree that I deserved that.
Definitely be off, then.
Italy's invaded Albania.
We're all back together, and we're not going anywhere.
You must take your family back to England.
I'm trying to see it as setting them all free, but it feels more like losing a lot of friends.
You've loved my mother ever since you met her.
And you feel guilty because that's what broke your marriage.
It's not about me.
It is.
I want it to be!