The Exes (2011) s04e05 Episode Script

Excuse me, I'm looking for Haskell Lutz.
If he owes you money, I'm supposed to tell you he moved to Brazil.
No, it's nothing like that.
I'm Haskell's brother.
- Rob.
- You're Haskell's brother? You seem surprised.
Nah.
I mean, it's just, I look more like Haskell than you do.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Please come in.
I'm Stuart.
This is Phil.
Haskell will be home soon.
Nice to meet you guys.
I'm sorry if we seem taken aback, it's just we didn't even know Haskell had a brother.
Well, I've been living in Europe for a long time.
- So we kind of lost touch.
- Oh, where in Europe? Saint-tropez.
Let's just say it doesn't suck.
What kind of business are you in? I sell obscenely expensive yachts - to disgustingly rich people.
- Man.
I could see myself rocking a yacht, sipping champagne, giving orders to my crew of half-naked women.
"Attention, this is your captain speaking.
All hands on me.
" Hey, Haskell.
Look who's here.
Yeah, it's your brother.
Can you believe it? 'Cause we can't.
Haskell, it is great to see you, man.
Rob, can I talk to you for a moment in the hall? Sure.
I was gonna call, but I then thought - I should surprise you.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Haskell! - What the hell, dude? I don't wanna talk about it.
- Think we should follow him? - No, he said he doesn't - want to talk about it.
- All right.
That son of a bitch ruined my life! When we were younger, we had a moving business.
It was our ticket out of that small, depressing town, and away from mother, that small, depressing woman.
We worked year after year, saving every penny.
Then one day, I woke up, the money was gone, and so was he.
- Haskell, that's horrible.
- I told you, I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, that's that.
I lost everything! My money, my business, even took the truck.
- But he's here now.
- For the last time, I don't wanna talk about it.
It's like a concert.
Do you think he's done, or is he coming back out for an encore? - No, he's done.
- Okay.
He has the nerve to show up now! Well, he's 20 years too late! Just got a call from downstairs.
Your little protege's on her way up.
Excellent.
I feel so good about this, Eden.
By the end of the week, I will have taken a young high school student and molded her into a budding lawyer.
I only wish I had me as a mentor when I was young.
Someone brilliant, successful, strong.
Yet flexible enough to blow smoke up her own ass.
- Vanessa? - That's right.
Welcome to the firm.
You're gonna have a great week.
Thanks.
I was kinda nervous, but you seem so cool.
I was expecting some scary older woman in a business suit and glasses.
You must be Vanessa.
I'm Holly Franklin, esquire.
Oh, nice to meet you.
And I'm Eden, assistant to the esquire.
So I understand you have a fascination with the law.
Yeah, it seems pretty interesting.
Well, then come on in, Vanessa.
As you cross this threshold, your life is about to be changed forever.
Wow! This office is awesome! Yes, yes, it is.
And there's no reason someday all this can't be yours.
Because if you're willing to work hard, anything is possible.
Anything.
Whoa! Check this out! NYU? - Columbia Law School? - Oh.
Those old things.
I was about to box them up.
Wow.
You're one of the top You know, I'd completely forgotten I made that list three years in a row.
Now, let's dive right in, all right? Now, I made a synopsis of all the divorce cases - I am working on.
- Okay, great.
For the next few days, you are going to see the law in action, and trust me, you are in for an exhilarating ride, filled with heart-pounding drama! But first, we read.
All right, Stuart.
What's up? All right, listen.
Haskell's gonna be here any minute.
I need you to help me convince him to at least sit down and talk to his brother.
Uh-uh! No way! My granddaddy always told me, "Son, there are three things you don't get involved with: "A married woman, a gypsy with a big idea, and other people's business.
" Well, I'm sorry, he's my friend, and I can't just sit idly by.
So if you don't wanna help Phil? Phil? Oh, hey.
Hey, Haskell.
You look like you're in a good mood.
Yep.
I just used my visa to pay off my mastercard.
I got those two chasing each other like Tom and Jerry.
So what'd you want to see me about? Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you about your brother.
There is nothing to talk about.
I understand your anger.
You understand nothing.
I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into that moving company.
Maybe he came back to make amends.
Well, if he did, it's too late.
After Rob stole my money, it took me years to dig myself out of that hole.
It's the reason why I had such a late start in my bowling career.
Why I never became a household name like Sunny "long-legs" Jensen.
- Who? - Very funny.
What the hell is he doing here? You set me up, didn't you? Haskell, listen to me.
Nicki and I didn't speak for years, and now I can't imagine my life without her.
You owe it to yourself to at least hear him out.
- Hi, Haskell.
- Uh-huh.
I like where this is going.
- Listen, Haskell - Save your breath.
There's nothing you can say that can change anything.
I'm a terrible brother.
I stole from you.
I lied to you.
I betrayed you.
I am a selfish, narcissistic ass.
I'm listening.
I'd love to say that I had a good excuse, but the truth is I just couldn't wait.
I had to get out of that town, I was dying there.
So I took the money and I split and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
It sure was! Do you remember this? Oh Our old business card.
I've always carried it.
I bet you threw all yours out years ago.
Well, not, uh All of them.
"The Lutz Brothers: We'll move anything.
- No questions asked.
" - Yeah, we moved many a suspiciously heavy rug.
Maybe we should have asked a couple questions.
We were young and stupid.
Yeah, we were.
I want my brother back.
Me too.
Look, Haskell, I've done pretty well.
So if there's anything you need, you just name it.
- The same goes for you.
- Well, since you bring it up, I kind of need a kidney.
- How you doing, Vanessa? - Huh? Tell you what.
Let's take a break.
You have any questions so far? Uh Let's see.
Are you married? Oh.
A personal question.
Ha ha, well Actually, my wedding's at the lake house in central Park - in three months.
- Oh! That's so cool! - Congratulations.
- Thank you.
So what's your fiance like? I don't know, I haven't met him yet.
Holly, Beth Hudson's on line one.
Oh, good! Now you'll see that the law's more than just about reading.
Now, when I talk to my clients, I'm more than just a lawyer.
I'm a therapist, a friend, a trusted and loved confidante.
Hello, Beth.
Now, listen, you blood-sucking shyster.
You get me the condo in Aspen or I'll hire another leech who will! You know, perhaps I should take this in private.
Why don't you go outside with Eden? Hm? Okay.
That woman sounds so angry.
Oh, it's just attorney-client banter.
I live for it.
So Holly said I should hang out here.
- Great.
Pull up a seat.
- Okay.
So what's an assistant do? Oh, you name it.
I handle her schedule, keep track of billable hours, organize her files, answer emails.
I'm basically the nerve center of this organization.
- So what are you working on? - I'm shopping.
The nerve center needs new pumps for her date tonight.
Really? I got the impression you guys worked all the time.
Oh, not me! The beauty of my job is I don't have to take my work home with me.
Unless it's that new associate with the killer bod.
Both: Oh! Well, that was a fruitful and rewarding client conference.
- So shall we dive back in? - Well, if you don't mind, I thought I'd stay and hang out with Eden for a little while.
Okay.
No problem.
Well, when you're ready, come back in and we'll have more fun with the law! Holly Franklin's office.
- It's Beth again.
- What's that bitch want now? Oh, there he is now.
So, Haskell, how was it? It was amazing.
We talked for hours.
It was like we were never apart.
In fact, Rob has a suite at the Plaza and he wants me to stay with him, so it'll be like old times.
Aw, I just got a tingle.
Oh, and he asked me for a kidney.
- What? - And I'm gonna give it to him.
How's your tingle now? - Any word yet? - No.
He's still not picking up.
I can't believe he's just gonna hand over a kidney to that conniving weasel of a brother.
What can we do? He's a grown man.
He can make this decision on his own.
No, he can't.
He's Haskell.
You know how he makes decisions.
"Eeny-meeny-miney-mo, pay my taxes, yes or no.
" - Come on, let's go.
- Where we going? To the hotel to talk some sense into him.
All right, but none of this would have happened if we would have just listened to my granddaddy.
- He always told me - I'm tired of your grandpa and his homespun wisdom.
Homespun? The man sold jaguars in great neck.
- I know! - Oh, my god.
Hi.
What's so funny? You know Sherry from accounting? - Ooh, the new one? - She's been here 20 years.
Anyway, she was having a birthday party - in the break room - when she blew out the candles, she totally snorted.
Ha-ha-ha Ha Fun.
Come on in, Vanessa.
Today, we've arrived at that bittersweet moment where we must bid adieu to my wonderful protege.
It's been a pleasure having you.
It's been so great being here.
Thank you guys so much for everything.
Vanessa, there will be moments in your life when you may question yourself or you may be filled with doubt.
And that is why I wanted you to have this.
Look, they were able to air brush out not now, Eden.
Vanessa, in those times of uncertainty, I want you to look at this and think, "if she climbed that mountain, then so can I.
" Thanks.
I don't really know what to say.
Oh, don't say anything.
Just make sure you send me an invitation to your law school graduation.
Oh, well, actually, I don't think I wanna be a lawyer.
- What? Why not? - It just seems like you're working all the time.
I want to have more of a life.
- I want to have fun.
- I have a life.
I have fun.
I attend conferences, corporate retreats.
Last year, we went to tampa and I got totally cray-cray.
Well, so what do you wanna be? I don't know.
Maybe an assistant like Eden.
What? Why would such a smart, capable, young woman settle for that? You need to dream bigger, aim higher, do something meaningful with your life.
Um, well, I've gotta go.
So Bye.
- Eden, I did not mean - Yes, you did.
Come on out, Haskell.
Let's see how you look.
I'm just gonna say it.
I feel pretty.
Nothing is too good for my brother.
More champagne? Oh, it would be rude to say no.
- To the Lutz brothers.
- To the Lutz brothers! And to the ant.
Do you remember the day I gave you that name? You hauled a safe up six flights on your back.
That was the day that I realized I'd never have children.
Hello, gentlemen.
To what do I owe the pleasure? - Damn, that's a nice suit.
- Yes, well, it's custom-made.
My men's wearhouse days are over.
I guarantee it.
Haskell, you've been gone for days.
- Why didn't you return my calls? - I'm sorry.
I meant to.
I guess I just lost track of the time.
A gold watch? Champagne? Custom suit? Man, you living my life.
Oh, nonsense.
Can I offer you something to eat? I recommend the environmentally threatened sturgeon.
Haskell, don't you see what's going on? Rob is just using you.
He's giving you all these things just to get a kidney.
No, he's giving me these things because he loves me - and wants me back in his life.
- As soon as he gets what he wants, he's gonna ditch you, - like he did years ago.
- Now that's where you're wrong, because we've already made plans to cruise the mediterranean - on one of his yachts.
- Haskell, the only thing partying on that yacht is your kidney.
- He's buying you off.
- He is not buying me off.
This has nothing to do with money.
Listen, Haskell Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hello.
I'll catch up with you later.
I've got some errands to run.
But before I forget, here's a little something for you.
Oh! Thanks.
Hey! It's Oh, my god, I'm a kidney whore.
- Sorry, Haskell.
- I feel like such an idiot.
I wanted to believe that he missed me, that he wanted me back in his life.
But that son of a bitch almost ripped me off twice.
Well, he's gonna get exactly what he deserves: - Absolutely nothing.
- That's right, Haskell.
Get mad.
If you really want to get back at him, - buy me a suit.
- I will buy you a suit and I'll buy you some luggage.
Yeah, let's do some anger shopping! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Hey, buy me a car? - I'm not that angry.
- Who is it? - It's me.
Open up.
Why, so you can give me one of your "I screwed up" baskets? No! This is my "I screwed up big time" basket.
Listen, Eden, I feel horrible.
I didn't mean what I said.
You know I'm always shooting off my big, fat, stupid mouth.
Even I don't believe half the crap that comes out of there.
Eden, you know how much I appreciate and respect you.
- Please don't be mad at me.
- I'm not.
Okay? I'm mad at myself.
- Why? - Because you were right.
Every word you said is something I've been saying to myself for years.
I should be doing something meaningful with my life.
Eden, you're incredible at what you do.
I would be lost without you.
Oh, you're damn straight you would.
It's just that I never thought I would end up as an assistant.
I mean, I came out here to go to college, but when my studies got in the way of my partying, I dropped out.
I figured eventually I would sort out what I wanted to do, but then I got the job with you and Just kept kicking the can down the road.
How is it that we've never talked about this? Well, when we do talk, it does kind of seem to be about you.
I know.
It all started when I was a young girl.
My sister got all the attention, so I'm like Holly! - Oh! - Down here.
Sorry.
Okay.
So what is it you want to do? Well, that's the problem.
I I don't know.
Huh.
Well, the first thing you're gonna do is finish college.
- I can't afford that.
- I can.
You, Eden, are going to be the first recipient of the Holly Franklin scholarship.
Oh, my god.
Seriously? Yes! I'll be flexible with your hours, so you can finish school, and the rest we'll figure out along the way.
You would do all this for me? You're worth it.
Oh! Come here.
Mm! You know the other day you said you wanted to change someone's life.
You have.
Mine.
I guess I did.
Come on, let's tear into this basket and celebrate! No, wait! This baby's going back! I got a kid to put through college! God, what's in here? Okay, Haskell, listen.
Rob will be here any minute.
Sure you're up for this? I'm more than up for it.
He's had this coming for 20 years.
You wanna play me, now let's see who's playing whom.
Hey, you really wanna play him, buy me a cashmere top coat to go with this suit.
Okay, there he is.
Haskell, stay strong.
Yeah, but the stores close at 9:00, so maybe you - come on.
- I'm just Hey, there's my favorite brother.
The limo's outside.
What are we doing here? Uh, sit down, Rob.
I gotta tell you something.
Okay.
But first, let me just say, after everything that I've done, the fact that you're willing to give me a kidney amazes me.
If I were in your shoes, I don't think I would have done it.
But I shouldn't be surprised.
You're a better man than me, Haskell.
You always have been.
So what'd you wanna tell me? Um It's about the kidney.
- When do you want it? - I don't.
- What? - The blood test came back.
- Turns out we're not a match.
- How can that be? In every other way, we're like twins.
- When did you know this? - A couple of days ago.
- Why didn't you tell me sooner? - Because I love spending time with you.
And I was afraid that if I told you the truth, it would end.
And I was starting to think that the only reason you came back was to cut me off a body part.
It was.
I came back for a kidney but I found my brother.
What you're gonna do for a kidney, we've gotta find you a kidney.
Don't worry, remember cousin Larry, in Jersey? Turns out we're a match.
I'm gonna pay him a 100 grand.
I demand a re-test.
I missed you.
I missed you too.