The IT Crowd s04e05 Episode Script

1 Come on, settle.
The sooner you're settled, the sooner this is over with.
Thank you.
Now, you're going to meet some men today who've taken a wrong turn in their lives and they're going to tell you their stories and hopefully make you think a little bit about the roads you're going down.
There's not going to be any kind of fun, so you can wipe those smiles off your faces.
Right, let's meet our first speaker.
What the flip are you looking at? You think this is funny? You think this is some kind of mother flipping joke? Mother flippers think everything's a mother flipping joke.
Well, let me tell you, the jokey ain't no jokey, sucker.
Look at me and what do you see? Just a bad ass brother who made a mistake.
One mistake.
And now I'm staring at you gimps.
Every flippin' day! So what's my story? How did a brother get here? Well, I'll tell you.
It all started when I went to fix a printer on floor seven.
As I recall, it was a Tuesday.
It's a lot faster now, it's one of the advantages of the Pentium processor.
Yeah I like your glasses.
I'm afraid they're not for sale.
Ha ha.
Laugh all you want, they're not for sale.
You're funny.
Nikki, Nikki, Nikki! What are you talking to Clive Sinclair for? Shut up, Rodge.
Good one.
Yup.
I get it.
You obviously don't, mate.
Come on, back in your box.
Nice tie, by the way! Thank you.
Roy, can you come here, please? Just hold on a second, Jen.
I'm giving phone support.
Okay, so how did that go? Well, yeah, but that's an important part of the process.
Yes, if you don't complete that part, there's no way you're going to be able to do the next bit.
Okay, so now Turn it back on again! People! That is rude! What is that? Oh, Jen, I have to say, "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" 1,000 times a day.
It's like a bloody catchphrase.
If it wasn't for you and Moss it would be the only thing I say.
It doesn't matter.
Don't take your bad career decisions out on the users.
I'm not saying it again today.
They can just figure it out for themselves.
You'll never go a whole day without saying it.
You don't think I can? No way.
I bet you £1,000 I can.
That's just posturing.
£1,000.
All right.
Okay.
£100 says I don't say it again today.
How's that for posturing? All right, you're on.
100 quid.
All right.
Can you come here for a sec, please? I want you to take a look at something.
Can't I do it on the phone? Just come in! It's like 20 feet! You all right, Moss? I don't mind telling you, Roy, that sometimes the people upstairs cheese me off to such an extent that if I were the type to use bad language, I'd be employing it bitterly and repeatedly! Whoa.
Moss, that's not like you.
Well, I'm sorry for mentioning bad language.
No, use bad language, Moss, please.
It'll make you feel better.
Ploppers! Someone told me I need a browser on my computer.
Could you install one, please? You don't have a browser on your computer? What is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? It's not supposed to sound What the?! What's all that crap? Look at all this stuff! I haven't seen that one since the '90s! Jen, I have to fix this.
No, no, leave it! I have it how I like it! How you like it?! No, no, no, Jen, it's infected! If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face! I just want you to install a browser.
That's the browser there! Look at it that's the browser.
Internet Explorer is a browser! Behind the picture of the lady.
The lady's not supposed to be there.
She's only there sometimes.
But what about that, the E But that's the button for the internet, Roy.
I don't The button for the internet?! Jesus Christ! Oh, shut up! I'm not a stupid geeky geek.
Jen, you don't need to be a geek to know that you need a browser to access the internet! Yes, you do, because as soon as you know something like that, it pushes out something important and before you know it, you're painting little figurines from Lord of The Rings.
You know what, Jen? Do whatever you want.
I don't care.
You want to walk around with a laptop from The Exorcist, that's fine.
It's not my problem.
Our time is too valuable! Come on, Moss, let's go.
It's nearly one.
Oh, don't forget.
They're giving a party for Ben Genderson at lunch.
Ben Genderson? How nice for him.
He's been here, what? A week? When's our party? I thought you hated parties.
I like parties.
It's balloons I don't like.
- Right.
- You don't like balloons? Oh, don't talk to me about balloons.
- Why? - Balloons explode, Jen.
They explode suddenly and unexpectedly.
They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright and I find that unbearable.
Where do you want to go for lunch? It's such a lovely day, shall we go to the park? Yeah, let's have a lovely lunch in the park.
Roy, do you think if I hadn't paid so much attention in school I'd be a different person? No.
We're going to be late for Ben Genderson's party.
So? I don't want to go to that thing.
If we go to that party, do you know how many times I'm going to have to say, "Have you" The thing that I say? We've got to hurry up, we're going to be in trouble.
I'm not running.
Can you do a fast walk? No.
I'm going to do a fast walk.
See you there.
I need to be at work.
Sorry, sir.
Whole street's closed.
Suspicious package.
Come on, let's go the long way round.
We'll miss the presentation.
We're already late.
We'll get in trouble.
Calm down.
I can't, Roy.
What are we going to do? Moss, it doesn't matter.
We're going to get in trouble.
You're not going to get in trouble.
Getting in trouble is something that happens to children.
You're a grown man.
Come on.
Why don't we bunk off? What?! I was hoping to avoid Jen today anyway.
Why don't we just We'll bunk off and make a day of it.
It'll be a laugh.
Oh, gosh, I've got to take this in.
I've never bunked off in my life! What what what will we do? Where will we go? You know, we'll do bunking off kind of things.
Should we be talking this close to the police? I mean, it is illegal Not unless you're supposed to be in school! Will you relax? I'm excited, Roy.
This is like taking the blue pill in the Matrix.
I mean, bunking off.
The old me would never have done that! Say goodbye to that guy.
That guy's history! BANG! He's gone! Could you not say "bang!" There's a bloody bomb somewhere! Come on, let's just go.
Would you stop looking so suspicious! Which is why after one week with us, we honour Ben Genderson.
Come on, Ben, say a few words.
I don't know what to Such a lovely thing to happen.
I never thought that a major corporation would be able to focus on one individual like this.
At my last company, I felt rather insignificant, so it's appreciated, it really is.
Cheers.
Don't raise your glass too soon, Ben, 'cause this has all been one big ruse.
It isn't your day at all.
That's right.
I thought it high time to give the IT Department the attention they deserve.
Where are Mark and Ray? They're not back from lunch yet.
Really? I flew George Lucas in to see them as a treat.
Oh, well, Jen, more champagne for us.
Let the revels begin! Oh, yes.
Sitting on the bus.
On the open road.
Kicking back.
Just a pair of cheeky bunkers.
- Couple of ne', er do wells.
- Yeah.
Roy, can I clarify something? Are we now loitering? Erm yeah.
Because it feels like travelling.
Sure, but we don't want to go where this bus is going.
So there's an element of loitering.
- There's an aimlessness.
- Exactly.
Yeah! Who'd want to end up going to where they wanted to be? - That's what the man wants.
- Sock it to 'em.
Fools! Roy, let's glare.
What? Let's glare at people, like a couple of tough nuts.
Okay! Who? Let's glare at this sucker on his way to work.
Feeding the corporate machine.
- He's coming up.
- He's getting on the bus! Oh, no.
Why did you suggest him? You could've suggested anybody.
- What are you looking at? - We weren't.
We thought you were someone else.
- What's it to you? - I'm sorry.
We're bunking off, and he's excited.
We're bunking off! Roy has a fear of balloons.
A fear of balloons! That's the craziest thing I've ever bloody heard! Some wine for you.
- Sorry, I asked for red.
- Oh, sorry.
No, no, no, leave it.
This has been a success.
I have had a lovely, lovely time.
As thingy was saying earlier, it's easy to go unrecognised in a big corporation, so it's appreciated, it really is.
Cheers.
Don't raise your glasses too soon, 'cause this ruse has also been a ruse.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you our new head of hiring and firing, Ben Genderson.
So, Ben, you've been circulating throughout this fake party, coming to conclusions.
Who's the obvious dead wood? Well, yes.
Well, there's Paul over there, he's been putting his shopping on expenses.
James here, he can't spell, and Sorry, what's your name? Jeremy.
Jeremy, yes.
Jeremy's a drunk.
And Jen.
Jen lacks basic computer skills, like thinking that I stands for "internet things".
Yeah.
I don't really need to know about those things.
I'm a relationship manager.
I manage my team, I'm a team leader.
And where's your team now? I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Is this my party or not? What are we doing? We are loitering.
We are shopping.
We don't have any money, so it's definitely loitering.
Mark my words, in half an hour, we shall be asked to leave.
- Oh, it's Jen.
- Hello, Jen! Where are you? We're just sort of taking a long lunch sort of thing.
You can't! I've been sent an e-mail questionnaire, have to do it today! I don't know what you're talking about.
It wasn't Ben Genderson's thing, it was our thing.
And then it was some scary thing, and now he's sent me a questionnaire about my job and my computer won't work! What do I do?! Is that the best you can do? I'm not going to say it! No! No, no, no! No, no, no! Goddammit, Roy! I didn't bunk off so I could do some flipping perusing! I want a taste of the apple, Roy! I want to bite the electric tiger's tail, and ride it till the end of the mother flipping line.
Will you just calm down, Moss? - What are you doing? - I'm shoplifting! - You've just gone insane! - I've never felt so alive! We need to get this stuff back! Okay, they're on to us.
Let's just go.
Erm, act normal.
What is wrong with you? Who are you? I don't know any more! What are we going to do? No, that's not going to work! Okay, run! Run, run, run! Come on! Come on! Hello.
Do you wish for technical assistance? Oh, God, I hate these! Sorry? What? How dare you speak to me like that? Sorry.
Can I have technical assistance, please? Putting you through.
Cow.
Allo? Hello? Allo.
How can I be of assistance? What? How can I be of assistance? I've got one of your laptops.
It won't get past the loading screen.
Have you tried turning it off and on again? Yes.
Look, is there someone else I can talk to? There is no-one else available.
All right, all right.
What model do you have? - What model do I have? - Yes.
It's a Zubion, I think.
Ah, the Zubion.
I have to say, we have been having problems with the Zubion.
Can you press delete while starting up? I didn't get that.
Can you press delete while starting up? No.
That was worse somehow.
Okay.
Can Can? Yes.
Can you press Can you press.
Delete.
Delete.
Can I press delete? While.
Wheel? While.
Whhhheeeel? While.
Er during! While! While.
Yes, while! Yes.
Starting.
Allo? Come on, Roy! Come on! We're nearly there! It's no use.
I can't.
I can't.
We're going down again! How many times is that now? Oh, this is ridiculous! I don't wanna do this any more! Oh, all right.
All right.
What was all that about? What? You shouldn't be messing around on those things.
Go on.
Don't come back here.
I know your faces now! Bunking off was a terrible idea.
I mean, you were completely out of control.
Do you even like Grand Designs? Yuh! You'll send those DVDs back to the shop.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Roy.
It's okay.
Okay, let's just try and get back in to work, and hopefully nobody will have noticed we were away.
Oh, my gosh! It's a robot! I've never seen one in the wild before.
Where've you come from, fella? Huh? Where do you come from? Can we keep him, Roy? I mean, if he doesn't belong to anyone? I just don't understand what it's doing.
I mean, this is weird.
What is it? Erm Moss? What? Get away from it.
Why? Hello, Jen! It's a robot! - Get away! - What? Get away! Get away from it.
There's a bomb! What are you saying? There's a bomb in the bag! I think this might be a bomb disposal robot, Roy.
I know.
We should move away from it.
Yes.
We should.
But I don't seem to be able to move.
What? - I can't move.
- What do you mean, you can't move? I can't move.
- You have to move, Roy.
- I can't move! I'm just having a couple of problems with it.
What kind of operating system does it use? It's Vista! We're going to die! Have you tried turning it off and on again? What? Have you tried turning it off and on again? What? Have you tried turning it off and on again? I just won 100 quid.
Okay.
Hang on a second.
Why are you still here? Why haven't you run away? Come on, Roy, we're a team.
I could-- Oh, wait, I could totally run away, couldn't I? It's still not working! Oh, this is a very common problem with Vista.
I can fix this.
I can fix this, Roy! Everything's going to be okay.
Right.
Come here, you.
Wait for me! Is there a customer support number? Allo! How can I be of assistance? What? So, that's my story.
It ain't a pretty story, but it's the only one I've got.
And if you bozos don't buckle up and fly right, it'll be your story too, capice? You say you've been having problems with this particular bomb disposal computer? What? You must take good care, as the slightest movement can initiate the detonator procedure.
Seems to me like the domain link is incapacitated, so perhaps you could try turning off the robot, and then get the man to run away quickly?