The Madame Blanc Mysteries (2021) s04e05 Episode Script
Antique Antics
1
And for the final piece
of treasure of the day,
let's head over to Elaine.
So, who do we have next?
- I'm Gloria.
- Good luck, Gloria.
I'm now gonna hand you over
to the expertly
seasoned hands of Elaine.
Hello, Gloria.
Psst!
So, where have you come from today?
- Oh, I'm the local mechanic.
- Wonderful.
Yeah. You look much
younger in real life.
Oh!
Too kind. So, what
have you brought along today?
Amateurs!
I've brought this painting.
Oh, this isn't a painting.
It's a lithograph by Robert Hillingford.
Probably early 20th century.
What's a lithograph?
Hm.
It's a printing process
using a flat stone or metal plate
on which the image areas
are worked using a greasy substance
so that the ink adheres to them
whilst the non-image areas
are made ink-repellent.
It's not painted on paper.
Right.
Mm-hm. Is it a family heirloom?
No. It's always hung
in the garage toilet.
I thought it looked posh,
so I brought it here.
Well, it's an image
of Wellington at Waterloo.
The ink distribution is very smooth.
Right.
And worth around
..600 euro.
Oh. Ooh!
TITTERING
Cut.
OK. Brilliant.
Everyone out to the terrace
for summing up with David,
then on to the final link with Nick.
Thank you so much
for bringing this today.
It is absolutely stunning.
Does it take pride of place?
They don't need the boom on this one
because David's been miked up,
whatever that means.
David's skin is surprisingly
good for his age.
He hardly needed any powder.
Well, he's probably
had work done, darling.
Most of these TV types do.
Oh, darling, you're absolutely right.
I must get the number of his surgeon.
Ready, Nick?
And action.
What a wonderful time we've had
in the beautiful Sainte-Victoire.
And next week, get your castanets out
as the European road trip continues.
Bilbao, Spain.
See you then.
Cut!
And that's a wrap.
CHEERING
SCREAMING
MURMOURING
Call an ambulance!
Do you remember the first time
That my eyes set on you?
Your smile came from nowhere
For some time never
Or some time soon
The road is a long one
I was only passing through
I was only passing through. ♪
Jean, we're having a nightmare.
The rest of the crew
are stranded at Gatwick.
God knows how we're gonna film today.
Well, why did you drive?
'Elaine won't fly.'
And Paul doesn't trust the
baggage control with his equipment.
And then trust the van to break down!
You're good to go.
But thanks for sending Gloria.
I'll follow you up there
just in case she blows again.
Brilliant. Thank you so much.
Hey. Hey, Jean.
Sorry about all of this.
Oh. Hi, Paul.
Blimey, you're looking trim.
Thank you very much, Jean.
- See you in a bit.
- Thanks.
See you later, love.
See you, love.
Hey, there's a queue
forming outside already.
And there's a fella at the front
with what looks like a sleeping bag.
That's a bit keen, innit?
Oh, that must be the chap
that gave me this for Elaine.
I must remember to pass it on.
Antique Antics is a very popular show.
Thank you, Jean,
for suggesting they filmed it here.
It was David's idea, actually.
I'm surprised he came back
after what happened last time.
Yeah, I do feel a bit bad about that.
What happened?
Oh, David married a madman who tried
to kill him in Jean's house.
Yeah. The producer, Paul,
is an old university friend of mine,
and when he offered me the job
as a pundit on the show,
well, I instantly offered
David up instead.
Did you not fancy it?
No, it's not my bag.
But, David, he's always first
in the queue at the karaoke,
and I thought it'd be right
up his street. And I was right.
He's a big superstar now.
You turned down Antique Antics?
Are you mad?
You could have made us all famous.
No, it'd have made me famous, Judith,
and I couldn't think of anything worse.
But anyway, they're filming
in your beautiful summerhouse.
I mean, how exciting is that?
Yes!
That queue is getting massive.
I might get housekeeping
to set up a little drinks corner
for refreshments.
Can't look a gift horse
in the mouth, eh?
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, once an entrepreneur,
always an entrepreneur.
I'd better give him a hand.
I'll say it again - that was
a very nice thing you did for David.
Well, there
Hm?
..might have been another reason
why I turned down the job.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'd have spent
loads of time filming away,
and right now,
I'm exactly where I wanna be.
Well, that's a coincidence.
They're here!
Ooh.
Hey, Jean, this is dead exciting.
You never told me! I'm nipping home
for a painting to get it valued.
If you want a painting valued,
I'll do it for you.
Yeah. You can't get me on the telly.
See you in a bit.
SHE SCOFFS,
LAUGHS
APPLAUSE
Thank you. There she is.
Hi! You look smashing. Oh.
Hey, can I get one of those?
You certainly can. Come on. Hello!
Ah!
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This is my old friend Jean.
And mine.
Er, less of the old.
Oh, I don't think you'll be needing
those umbrellas.
It's not rained here
for about six weeks.
They're for the sun, dear.
It's been a long journey.
Let's go shoot this nonsense, shall we?
Yeah. Of course. Erm
Follow me. Yeah.
Oh, Nick.
He's followed me to France.
When will it stop?
Hm.
Welcome to Epoustouflant,
our summer home.
I'm a huge fan of the show.
Where is your green room?
Oh, yes, now I know what that means.
That's TV speak for waiting room.
We've transformed our conservatory.
Where is it?
Just through there.
Hm.
I-I was just saying to Jean,
it's been a long journey.
I know, they're a lot
friendlier on the telly.
How are you doing?
I'm Paul, the director and producer.
Thank you so much
for letting us use your house.
I really do appreciate it.
Well, you're a step up
from the highly dodgy resident
we had last year.
This is Judith, and this
is my good friend Dom.
Ah. Good to meet you, Dom.
You have very good taste in friends.
Ah, Jean, it's so good to see you again.
And you look great.
Now, we have a bit of a situation.
We literally have no crew.
They're stranded in Gatwick.
You're welcome to stay
as long as you need.
Thank you, Judith, but we have to be
on the road to Spain tomorrow,
as we only have
that particular venue for a day.
So, how can we help?
I need someone to hold the boom.
Oh, yes, I can do that.
What's a boom?
It's a huge microphone
we hold over the public's head.
You're a bit on the, um petite side.
We need someone taller.
Oh, well, Dom can do that.
Oh, no, I'm not sure, I
Perfect. Thanks, Dom.
What can I do?
How about make-up?
What?
Well, judging from
the glamour of yourself,
you've clearly got a talent.
Well, thank you, David.
Great idea. All you need
is some powder and a brush.
I think I'll need more than that.
Some of the people
who appear on your show
look like they've been
dragged through a hedge backwards.
Right. The refreshment stall's
being set up
just outside the function room.
Jeremy, this is Paul.
He's the director and producer.
Hi, Jeremy. Uh, refreshment stall?
Gotta keep the troops
fed and watered, eh?
Great. Well, thanks for
getting so much sorted.
I'll make sure
you're well compensated for this.
Oh. No problem. Thanks.
I'm the make-up artist
for the day, darling.
I'm going to transform
all the frightful people.
Oh, congratulations, darling.
Right, let's get to it.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thank you.
There you go. You look
amazing. Judith, love,
we really need to crack on.
All good here.
And action!
HE SPLUTTER
Absolutely extraordinary.
INAUDIBLE
And action!
Welcome back from the break.
So, the answer to the mystery is
a retailer or manufacturer of porcelain
would simply shop around
for the cheapest silversmith.
It's easy when you think about it.
Anyway, over to Elaine
for this week's Trash Or Treasure.
Thanks, Nick.
Now, take a look at these two items.
I missed my calling.
I am transforming people.
And I'm doing a roaring
trade here, darling.
Look after the pennies
And the pounds will
look after themselves.
Hello. I'm Nigel.
Did you manage
to give the gift to Elaine yet?
Oh! I'm sorry, old chap,
I completely forgot.
Um, big fan of hers, are you?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes,
you were the one in your little
sleeping bag, front of the queue.
Yeah. Elaine and I go back a long way.
I made a promise
to never miss any of her shows.
Oh, Yeldons chocolates!
That takes me back to old Blighty.
I tell you what,
I will make her a nice cup of tea
and give her the chocolates now.
No, she only drinks pure spring
water from her Augarten china cup.
Hm! Right, then, well, I'll just
give her the chocolates, then.
Thank you.
I would do it myself, but, um
David and Nick
can be very protective of her.
I'm not allowed anywhere near.
Hm.
CLEARS HIS THROA
Oh! Yeldons chocolates.
I've not had them since I was a kid.
In all the years I've lived in France,
I've never seen a box of these.
Hands off, Dominic.
These are for Elaine,
from her number-one fan over there.
The reason why most teddy bears
have one side of their face
flatter than the other
is because it shows how much
they have been loved.
Cut. Oh, great work, Nick.
You know,
it's hotter than Hades out here.
I'm gonna need a considerably
higher factor sun cream.
Or I suppose
that's just too much to ask!
OK, everyone, let's break for lunch.
That's half an hour.
My arms are killing me.
Engage the core.
What?
If you engage your core, you'll
put less pressure on your arms.
Oh. All right.
Sorry, Dom.
That made me sound like an idiot.
It's just that I lost
four stone last year.
Retained a few tricks of the trade.
Oh, wow.
I hadn't seen my toes
since the noughties.
Shut it!
I'm serious.
You wouldn't have recognised me.
Oh. Well, you look great now.
Well done.
What's your usual workout?
Er, you know, do a bit of planking.
Ooh, that's what I mean.
Engage the core. Good man.
Hey, you know, I got everyone delayed
on purpose so I could work with you?
You didn't?
No, but I'm really happy
it's worked out like this, Jean.
You are a natural.
Is there no way I could persuade you
to join the team?
You'd be amazing.
What is this, a tag team?
It's a great gig.
Not just the travel,
but the stuff you get to see.
I handled a real Caravaggio in Rome.
You didn't?
The brush detail was exquisite.
I mean, that is amazing.
It really was.
Dom, can you give us a hand
with the large amphora?
What?
Don't worry. It's nothing medical.
THEY CHUCKLE
It's a vase.
Yeah, I know, I know what it is.
I didn't hear you properly.
Come.
So, what are you up to
after the European tour?
Oh, we've just been commissioned
to do a new spin-off series.
It's like an
antiques competition quiz thing.
Oh. Sounds interesting.
Yeah. The only thing is, unfortunately,
I can only take Elaine or David, as
the network only needs one expert.
I mean, they'll still be
on this show, but
Hm. Do they know?
Oh, yeah, I told them. They both
understand. Such professionals,
but the channel hasn't
made up its mind yet.
David would love to
do more of this stuff.
Even being the occasional
pundit on this show,
it's changed his life.
And I've got you to thank for that.
I would still have preferred you, Jean.
Oh!
OK!
Sorry.
Steady, Dom.
Oh!
On first appearances, this looks
like an innocent brass vase.
But if we look at the base,
we can see a date. 1914.
And a location - Dusseldorf.
This is a beautiful example
of trench art
crafted out of an artillery shell
during the First World War.
Oh, my!
Hm.
That's over to you, Nick.
Sometimes, they let
me do the odd analysis,
especially if it's to do with music,
as these guys haven't got a clue
about anything past 1900.
LAUGHING
So, this is made from shellac,
a lot harder, heavier and colder
than the vinyl record
that replaced it.
We can tell by the sound,
even without playing any music.
I mean, it will play,
but it may be a few more shows
until we find a working player.
CHUCKLING
So, Japanese dragons
supposedly had three or four toes,
whereas Chinese dragons
supposedly had five.
APPLAUSE
Well, it's an image
of Wellington at Waterloo.
The ink distribution is very smooth.
Right.
And worth around
..600 euro.
Oh!
SHE CHUCKLES
Cut. OK. Brilliant.
Everyone out to the terrace
for summing up with David,
then on to the final link with Nick.
It was lovely to meet you, Gloria.
Oh, you, too.
Yes.
600 euro?
Well, yes, there or thereabouts.
Oh!
What a wonderful time we've had
in the beautiful Sainte-Victoire.
And next week, get your castanets out,
because the European
road trip continues.
Bilbao, Spain.
See you then.
Cut!
And that's a wrap.
CHEERING
SCREAMING
D'accord. Merci beaucoup.
Elaine didn't make it.
Poison?
The paramedics are 99% certain.
SHE EXHALES
Oh. Hello, love.
How are you doing?
Is Elaine OK?
Er
No, I'm afraid not.
I'm sorry.
I think I may have a migraine coming on.
That'll be the shock.
I just want to go home.
Sorry, Gloria, but no-one can leave
until everyone has been interviewed.
Maybe Gloria could have
a little lie-down here?
Of course.
We've got plenty of rooms.
HE CHUCKLES
Hey, hey. I'm right here, all right?
Jean, it makes more sense than ever
to ask for your help
with this subject matter.
Yes, of course.
Whatever I can do to help.
Yeah. Jean was nearly the star of it.
Pardon? Well, they offered her
the job of lead pundit,
but she gave it away to David.
Is this true?
Yes, but I couldn't think
of anything worse
than all that attention.
I totally agree.
OK, shall we start the interviews
in the lounge?
OK.
Do any of you know anyone
who might want to harm Elaine?
Well, she was a bit of an ice maiden.
Don't hold back, Nick.
Her words, not mine.
I'm I'm just saying.
What are you saying?
She wasn't very warm on or off screen.
The viewers loved her.
Of course they did,
but she wasn't really a TV personality.
How do you mean?
She was the best dealer in the business.
Yes, but that didn't necessarily
make her likeable on screen.
She was
super firm.
And scrupulously fair.
Do any of you have any knowledge
of what she ate or drank today?
Why do you ask that?
It is becoming quite apparent
that she was poisoned.
Well, she did have her traits,
did Elaine.
Very Hollywood.
She would not eat
before she finished filming.
One of her good-luck habits.
But I did see a cup of tea on the table.
Yes, you saw a cup, but no tea in it.
Just water.
She wouldn't touch anything else.
Just pure spring water from a bottle.
Oh, can we take a break
and get a coffee?
That is a good idea.
But everyone must stay in the house.
We will need formal statements
from all of you.
Hey.
I need to tell you something.
Go on.
David gave Elaine a bottle of water
in the car as we arrived.
And?
She couldn't find hers.
Swore she left with it this morning.
Ah, she was always misplacing stuff.
I'm not accusing him of anything.
I'm just saying it's pretty convenient,
given the current circumstances, no?
I suffered with terrible migraines
for years after we lost the twins.
It's where I got my
love of sunglasses from.
I decided that my trauma
would be glamorous if nothing else.
It gave me a way to own it.
Darling! Lights off. You know the rules.
Oh, yes. Sorry, Gloria.
I've, um, bought you a drink.
Thank you.
Is there anything else we can do?
I need my prescription pills.
They're brilliant.
They work almost instantly.
Where are they?
Back at the garage.
In the bathroom cabinet.
Er
Nobody's allowed to leave the house!
Well, we can't let her suffer like this.
What can we do?
Let's slip out the back.
No need to make a fuss.
We'll be back before anyone misses us.
Good idea.
We will be back before you know it.
Come on, darling.
I mean, I'm not keen on any of them
apart from David.
That Nick with his little
sun umbrella. What's that about?
Who does think he is, Jane Austen?
And that Paul?
He clearly fancies you.
"I've lost four stone."
"Oh, well done, mate.
You must have been massive."
Excuse me, David, please come
with me for some questioning.
This way.
"I've not seen my toes
since the noughties, you see."
JEREMY CLEARS THROA
It's all right.
What on earth is going on?
We have a witness who swears
that David gave Elaine
her drinking water this morning.
Yes, I did. So what?
I do most mornings.
She's always forgetting things.
But that was the only thing
she consumed all day.
Jean also told me
it was between you and her
to present a new spin-off show.
Oh! Hang on!
What are you trying to insinuate?
Well, it's quite the motive, isn't it?
I don't think
I have ever been more insulted.
I am a dealer, first and foremost.
I have been for 30 years.
Yes, telly is great,
but it's not my whole life.
How dare you suggest
I would try to kill someone
just to get my 15 minutes of fame?
I think with Elaine now gone, maybe
the fame would last a little longer.
Caron, David is one
of my closest friends!
I do realise that, Jean,
but the facts are
Yeah. One man's opinion. Which
is yet to be proved to be a fact.
David isn't capable
of harming anyone.
I have to ask the questions, Jean.
OK.
So, I'm going to look at the footage
that's been filmed so far,
because
we must be missing something.
Jean
..I didn't mean to upset anyone.
It is the truth, and it had to be said.
I'm upset because one
of my closest friends is upset,
so I am gonna prove his innocence.
Very good.
And then you can apologise.
'OK. Ready, Nick?
'And'
There you go.
Thanks, love.
'..action.'
This is the last time
we saw Elaine alive.
'And for the final piece
of treasure of the day,
'let's head over to Elaine.'
At least someone had a go
on the Yeldons chocolates.
What?
Look.
Yeah, rewind it.
Yeah, keep going.
There, there, there. Look.
I'd recognise a crystal
caramel anywhere.
Look!
She ate one.
Jeremy must have passed 'em on
from that weird bloke.
SHE EXHALES
I need to call him.
Yeah.
Oh, come on, Jeremy, pick up.
RINGING
SIGHS
We need to talk to Caron.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
If you have anything to share,
it would be easier
for you to do it now.
No comment.
Jean, tell your copper friend here
that I have never been
so badly treated in all my life,
and I will not be saying another
word without a lawyer present.
Just bear with me, love. Caron?
We need a word.
Elaine's number-one fan
bought her a box of chocolates.
Yeldons from England.
You can't get 'em in France.
And?
It must have been
the last thing she ever ate.
He's on the footage.
He was in the audience.
Let's go and talk to him.
Please do not go anywhere.
SHE SIGHS
HE SIGHS
That's him.
Dom, could you find Jeremy,
or at least try and get hold of him?
Yeah, course.
Thanks, love.
There you go.
I wonder if we could ask you
a few questions, Monsieur?
Nigel. My name's Nigel.
Er, yeah, of course.
This way, please.
Did you give some chocolates to Elaine?
Absolutely.
I always give her a gift every show.
First time she's ever got 'em,
though.
Er, David and Nick,
they can be quite protective.
Mm. At the moment, we cannot locate
the rest of the chocolates,
but I'm willing to bet
that they all contain poison, too.
What happened?
Did she reject you one time too often?
I saw how she looked at you
on the way in.
She wasn't very pleased to see you.
That must have been hard
to take after all these years.
Had you had enough?
NIGEL SCOFFS
Er
Look, I'm the last person
who wanted her dead.
Ten years ago, my mother died,
and to my shame, I didn't have
enough money to bury her.
But she'd always talked about
this expensive painting
that she had in her little council
flat. Nobody really believed her.
But I took that painting
to Elaine to sell
and try and get some money
towards the cost of the funeral.
Well, she gave me £1,000 for it.
I was over the moon.
I just about managed
a very sparse funeral.
So Elaine helped you?
Two weeks later, I saw
the very same painting in the paper.
It sold for £25,000.
It was a rare Mary Cassatt.
SHE GASPS
The name
that's now seared into my brain.
So I charged back to the shop
with the article and she blanked me.
She told me I must be mistaken
and did I have a receipt
for this so-called painting?
And did you?
No, stupidly, I didn't. I
I was just so desperate for the money.
But Elaine has built
her entire TV career
on the fact that she's honest
as the day is long.
Indeed she has. And that's why I go
to as many of her shows as possible.
Wh-Why?
Well, to get my money back, of course.
So you didn't want her dead?
Good grief, no!
I just wanted my money back.
But she kept denying me,
so I kept reminding her
of what she was -
a woman who let a man bury his
mother on a shoestring out of greed.
Er, sorry, guys.
Uh, what's the matter? Dom said
you needed to talk to me urgently.
Jeremy, the rest of the
Yeldons chocolates -
where are they? We need
to recover them all right away.
Why?
We think they are poisoned.
Impossible.
We ate them.
Pardon?
A Yeldons strawberry supreme
is quite simply irresistible.
Jeremy ate the rest.
Guilty as charged.
CARON EXHALES
So, am I free to go?
Uh, not quite. Please stay
until otherwise informed.
Is that everything?
We need to attend to something.
Yeah.
Come along, Jeremy.
Yes, coming.
So, David is still our
strongest suspect.
Still?
Well, it physically
can't be anyone else.
We have a witness who saw him
give Elaine a water bottle.
It was obviously the water
that was poisoned.
So you have proof of that?
We are waiting for the lab results.
Exactly.
So you can't be sure?
HE SIGHS
Maybe it would be a good idea
if you helped me interview David.
He might be more willing to confess
if you are there.
Are you having a laugh?
No. I'm being very serious.
David is my friend,
and he's a very close friend.
And I'm not sure
you know the meaning of the word.
Please, Jean, this is not personal.
I am dealing in facts.
And the fact is, David is innocent.
Come on, you two.
Let's try and stay calm, eh?
I can see both sides here.
Jean.
There's a Citroen 2CV parked outside.
They always remind me of you.
What did you call yours again?
Buttercup.
Buttercup!
That's it.
You crashed into a bush after a
munchie run to an all-night garage.
Yes, and I've never been
behind the wheel again.
Can't be good at everything, Jean.
Yeah.
I have to start thinking
about putting out a press release.
What, so soon?
A lot of people in that room.
Someone will let the news out
before we do.
Oh, God, it's so awful.
Paul?
Mm?
Can I take a look at the footage again?
Of course you can. Come on.
MURMURING
'Oh, this isn't a painting. It's a
lithograph by Robert Hillingford.'
KNOCKING
'Probably early 20th century.'
Hi.
Oh, love, I'm glad to see you.
I should have got you
to value this after all.
Do you mind flogging it for me?
I don't really wanna see it again.
Of course.
How are you doing?
Pills are kicking in,
so a little better.
Do you think you're well enough
to answer some questions?
Er Just about, yeah.
Right, now,
can you remember what Elaine was
like when the cameras moved off her?
Er
she started moaning about
how the big microphone
was nearly blocking her shot.
I hadn't noticed.
Anything else?
Er
She said she got bitten by
a mosquito on the back of her leg
towards the end of the link.
Mosquito?
Yeah. I remember being a bit confused
because I hadn't noticed any
and they always get me.
She started scratching it
quite vigorously,
saying how Waterloo stuff
was popular back home,
but not here, for obvious reasons.
And then she started to slur
like she was drunk.
I couldn't understand
what she was saying, and then
Take your time, love.
..she hit the floor.
I jumped up and went over
and that's when I saw her face.
I just couldn't help it, Jean,
I screamed.
Of course you did. Come on, you.
You go and look after yourself.
Thanks, love.
Nice to see you, Paul.
And thank you for fixing the van.
Hm. Hm.
So Gloria didn't hear any mosquitoes.
I didn't hear any mosquitoes.
Did you?
No.
I think we're too high up
in the mountains for them.
Yeah, I mean, I've seen that footage
a few times now.
I'm sure I would have noticed.
Yeah, and I would have stopped
filming if I heard any buzzing.
Hm.
Oh, I doubt she's gonna
get 600 euros for this.
I mean, there's so many
Waterloo prints flying about.
Waterloo.
Oh!
DOOR OPENS,
CLOSES
Caron, this sounds a bit mad,
but I think
HE SPEAKS ON PHONE
Please do not leave the property.
Stop!
PANTING
I think we need to ask you
a few questions, sir.
Well, I never.
Now, should I explain
how you killed Elaine,
or would you like to confess?
No? OK.
So, this is a Bulgarian umbrella,
as you well know, Nick.
Now, it's called a Bulgarian umbrella
because it's how the Bulgarian
dissident Georgi Markov was murdered
in London in 1978.
A tiny metal pellet was
released from the tip here,
containing a deadly amount of ricin,
and, well, that amounted
to certain death.
Elaine's body is being tested
for ricin as we speak.
This is how I see it.
Psst.
'When you'd finished your link,
you went off camera
'and you accidentally
dropped your umbrella and script.
'When you went to pick them up,
'you discreetly stabbed Elaine
in the back of her leg'
Amateurs!
'..and in the fuss with Judith,
'nobody noticed you doing it.'
In fact,
I'm quite frustrated with myself
that I was distracted by your
very individual diversion tactic.
Pardon?
Extreme rudeness.
HE EXHALES
So, how did you know?
SHE EXHALES
Well, it wasn't until I had chance
to speak to my friend Gloria
that it all fell into place.
Elaine complained of a
mosquito bite on her leg,
but there was no sound of mosquitoes
in the footage at all.
And then I saw
the Waterloo lithograph,
and something triggered in my brain.
Now, Georgi Markov was poisoned
on Waterloo Bridge,
and before he got ill, he complained
that an insect had bit him.
I put two and two together,
and, um, well, I was right.
You are very well-read, Mrs White.
Hm.
I mean, how did you even get hold
of one of these? They are so rare.
Hm.
It was on the very first
series of Antique Antics
that I came across an elderly gentleman
standing in a queue with an umbrella.
He said he found it in his loft.
And you knew what it was straight away?
Of course I did.
I persuaded him to sell it to me
right there and then.
Bless him.
He didn't know what it was,
but, um
I did,
and I never knew when it would
come in so
useful.
But I do not understand your motive.
Why kill Elaine?
She was no threat to you.
I thought you were friends.
Television can be such a cruel business.
I knew that Paul was producing
a new series for the network.
Yeah, but that was a spin-off.
Your show wasn't under threat.
Ah, you see, that's where you are wrong.
My old friend in commissioning
told me that
my show was finishing after this series,
and they were not planning on
telling me till I shot the last one.
So
OK, why Elaine and not David?
Elaine told me last week
that she was chosen
and it was all top secret.
I mean, she was impossibly
grand after all that,
so I figured if she was gone,
then they could hardly
decommission my show
and I could continue as normal.
You've just murdered a woman,
and all you talk about is a TV show?
Hiya, love. Are you going now?
I thought you were leaving tomorrow.
Jean, love,
please forgive me,
but I've booked the flight home.
I just want my own bed.
It's proper taking it out of me.
I mean, Nick was never
my favourite, but this!
He turned out to be
a right nasty piece of work.
And there's nothing to forgive.
I absolutely don't blame you.
I'm getting too bloody old for all this.
Never. You are forever young.
Come here.
SHE CHUCKLES
HORN HOOTING
Oh! Right, give me a call
when you get home, yeah?
I will. Lots of love, kid.
There you go.
Hiya.
How are you doing?
Oh!
I'll tell you all about it
when we get to the pub.
I don't know about you,
but I am desperate for a drink.
Oh, same here.
Are you ready, then, Dom?
Oh, I can't make it tonight, and
Jeremy's asked me to help tidy up.
The housekeeper's called in sick.
Oh, that's a shame.
Just you and me, then?
Yeah, I suppose so.
To be honest, I won't be there long.
I am absolutely shattered.
Right. See you, then.
Night, then.
Oh, I'll call you tomorrow.
Elaine.
Elaine.
So, what happens to the show now, then?
Well, I suppose I'll go back
to London and try and reschedule.
It's gonna take a big rethink.
Oh, I bet.
Hm.
I hope that means that
it's not all over for David now.
Oh, no, no, no. He's too popular.
Don't worry about him.
The show must go on, as they say.
Ah!
Jean?
Oh!
I've got something to tell you.
Go on.
INAUDIBLE
PAUL CHUCKLES
Oh!
Dom? Dom!
Dom, I didn't think you were coming.
Can I get you a drink?
Look, Jean, if you don't want this
What?
I mean, you and me to be exclusive,
then just tell me, eh?
I'm a big boy.
You're a grown woman.
You can see whoever you wanna see,
but I just don't work like that.
I need to know.
What are you talking about?
Well
Him. Paul. I mean, there's clearly
a spark between you both,
and
Hey?
Well, you knew I wasn't
coming tonight, so
Wow.
I can't believe you've
just actually said that.
For your information, Paul,
who I've known since
university, by the way,
has just told me that
after years and years of trying,
his wife, Julia, is six months pregnant.
Jean!
I forgot to show you the 12-week scan.
I won't be a minute.
Maybe you're not ready for this yet,
Dom.
I know Georgina cut you deep,
but I would never do that to you.
And I don't wanna spend
the rest of my life
thinking that you think I would.
Sub extracted from file & improved
And for the final piece
of treasure of the day,
let's head over to Elaine.
So, who do we have next?
- I'm Gloria.
- Good luck, Gloria.
I'm now gonna hand you over
to the expertly
seasoned hands of Elaine.
Hello, Gloria.
Psst!
So, where have you come from today?
- Oh, I'm the local mechanic.
- Wonderful.
Yeah. You look much
younger in real life.
Oh!
Too kind. So, what
have you brought along today?
Amateurs!
I've brought this painting.
Oh, this isn't a painting.
It's a lithograph by Robert Hillingford.
Probably early 20th century.
What's a lithograph?
Hm.
It's a printing process
using a flat stone or metal plate
on which the image areas
are worked using a greasy substance
so that the ink adheres to them
whilst the non-image areas
are made ink-repellent.
It's not painted on paper.
Right.
Mm-hm. Is it a family heirloom?
No. It's always hung
in the garage toilet.
I thought it looked posh,
so I brought it here.
Well, it's an image
of Wellington at Waterloo.
The ink distribution is very smooth.
Right.
And worth around
..600 euro.
Oh. Ooh!
TITTERING
Cut.
OK. Brilliant.
Everyone out to the terrace
for summing up with David,
then on to the final link with Nick.
Thank you so much
for bringing this today.
It is absolutely stunning.
Does it take pride of place?
They don't need the boom on this one
because David's been miked up,
whatever that means.
David's skin is surprisingly
good for his age.
He hardly needed any powder.
Well, he's probably
had work done, darling.
Most of these TV types do.
Oh, darling, you're absolutely right.
I must get the number of his surgeon.
Ready, Nick?
And action.
What a wonderful time we've had
in the beautiful Sainte-Victoire.
And next week, get your castanets out
as the European road trip continues.
Bilbao, Spain.
See you then.
Cut!
And that's a wrap.
CHEERING
SCREAMING
MURMOURING
Call an ambulance!
Do you remember the first time
That my eyes set on you?
Your smile came from nowhere
For some time never
Or some time soon
The road is a long one
I was only passing through
I was only passing through. ♪
Jean, we're having a nightmare.
The rest of the crew
are stranded at Gatwick.
God knows how we're gonna film today.
Well, why did you drive?
'Elaine won't fly.'
And Paul doesn't trust the
baggage control with his equipment.
And then trust the van to break down!
You're good to go.
But thanks for sending Gloria.
I'll follow you up there
just in case she blows again.
Brilliant. Thank you so much.
Hey. Hey, Jean.
Sorry about all of this.
Oh. Hi, Paul.
Blimey, you're looking trim.
Thank you very much, Jean.
- See you in a bit.
- Thanks.
See you later, love.
See you, love.
Hey, there's a queue
forming outside already.
And there's a fella at the front
with what looks like a sleeping bag.
That's a bit keen, innit?
Oh, that must be the chap
that gave me this for Elaine.
I must remember to pass it on.
Antique Antics is a very popular show.
Thank you, Jean,
for suggesting they filmed it here.
It was David's idea, actually.
I'm surprised he came back
after what happened last time.
Yeah, I do feel a bit bad about that.
What happened?
Oh, David married a madman who tried
to kill him in Jean's house.
Yeah. The producer, Paul,
is an old university friend of mine,
and when he offered me the job
as a pundit on the show,
well, I instantly offered
David up instead.
Did you not fancy it?
No, it's not my bag.
But, David, he's always first
in the queue at the karaoke,
and I thought it'd be right
up his street. And I was right.
He's a big superstar now.
You turned down Antique Antics?
Are you mad?
You could have made us all famous.
No, it'd have made me famous, Judith,
and I couldn't think of anything worse.
But anyway, they're filming
in your beautiful summerhouse.
I mean, how exciting is that?
Yes!
That queue is getting massive.
I might get housekeeping
to set up a little drinks corner
for refreshments.
Can't look a gift horse
in the mouth, eh?
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, once an entrepreneur,
always an entrepreneur.
I'd better give him a hand.
I'll say it again - that was
a very nice thing you did for David.
Well, there
Hm?
..might have been another reason
why I turned down the job.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'd have spent
loads of time filming away,
and right now,
I'm exactly where I wanna be.
Well, that's a coincidence.
They're here!
Ooh.
Hey, Jean, this is dead exciting.
You never told me! I'm nipping home
for a painting to get it valued.
If you want a painting valued,
I'll do it for you.
Yeah. You can't get me on the telly.
See you in a bit.
SHE SCOFFS,
LAUGHS
APPLAUSE
Thank you. There she is.
Hi! You look smashing. Oh.
Hey, can I get one of those?
You certainly can. Come on. Hello!
Ah!
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This is my old friend Jean.
And mine.
Er, less of the old.
Oh, I don't think you'll be needing
those umbrellas.
It's not rained here
for about six weeks.
They're for the sun, dear.
It's been a long journey.
Let's go shoot this nonsense, shall we?
Yeah. Of course. Erm
Follow me. Yeah.
Oh, Nick.
He's followed me to France.
When will it stop?
Hm.
Welcome to Epoustouflant,
our summer home.
I'm a huge fan of the show.
Where is your green room?
Oh, yes, now I know what that means.
That's TV speak for waiting room.
We've transformed our conservatory.
Where is it?
Just through there.
Hm.
I-I was just saying to Jean,
it's been a long journey.
I know, they're a lot
friendlier on the telly.
How are you doing?
I'm Paul, the director and producer.
Thank you so much
for letting us use your house.
I really do appreciate it.
Well, you're a step up
from the highly dodgy resident
we had last year.
This is Judith, and this
is my good friend Dom.
Ah. Good to meet you, Dom.
You have very good taste in friends.
Ah, Jean, it's so good to see you again.
And you look great.
Now, we have a bit of a situation.
We literally have no crew.
They're stranded in Gatwick.
You're welcome to stay
as long as you need.
Thank you, Judith, but we have to be
on the road to Spain tomorrow,
as we only have
that particular venue for a day.
So, how can we help?
I need someone to hold the boom.
Oh, yes, I can do that.
What's a boom?
It's a huge microphone
we hold over the public's head.
You're a bit on the, um petite side.
We need someone taller.
Oh, well, Dom can do that.
Oh, no, I'm not sure, I
Perfect. Thanks, Dom.
What can I do?
How about make-up?
What?
Well, judging from
the glamour of yourself,
you've clearly got a talent.
Well, thank you, David.
Great idea. All you need
is some powder and a brush.
I think I'll need more than that.
Some of the people
who appear on your show
look like they've been
dragged through a hedge backwards.
Right. The refreshment stall's
being set up
just outside the function room.
Jeremy, this is Paul.
He's the director and producer.
Hi, Jeremy. Uh, refreshment stall?
Gotta keep the troops
fed and watered, eh?
Great. Well, thanks for
getting so much sorted.
I'll make sure
you're well compensated for this.
Oh. No problem. Thanks.
I'm the make-up artist
for the day, darling.
I'm going to transform
all the frightful people.
Oh, congratulations, darling.
Right, let's get to it.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thank you.
There you go. You look
amazing. Judith, love,
we really need to crack on.
All good here.
And action!
HE SPLUTTER
Absolutely extraordinary.
INAUDIBLE
And action!
Welcome back from the break.
So, the answer to the mystery is
a retailer or manufacturer of porcelain
would simply shop around
for the cheapest silversmith.
It's easy when you think about it.
Anyway, over to Elaine
for this week's Trash Or Treasure.
Thanks, Nick.
Now, take a look at these two items.
I missed my calling.
I am transforming people.
And I'm doing a roaring
trade here, darling.
Look after the pennies
And the pounds will
look after themselves.
Hello. I'm Nigel.
Did you manage
to give the gift to Elaine yet?
Oh! I'm sorry, old chap,
I completely forgot.
Um, big fan of hers, are you?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes,
you were the one in your little
sleeping bag, front of the queue.
Yeah. Elaine and I go back a long way.
I made a promise
to never miss any of her shows.
Oh, Yeldons chocolates!
That takes me back to old Blighty.
I tell you what,
I will make her a nice cup of tea
and give her the chocolates now.
No, she only drinks pure spring
water from her Augarten china cup.
Hm! Right, then, well, I'll just
give her the chocolates, then.
Thank you.
I would do it myself, but, um
David and Nick
can be very protective of her.
I'm not allowed anywhere near.
Hm.
CLEARS HIS THROA
Oh! Yeldons chocolates.
I've not had them since I was a kid.
In all the years I've lived in France,
I've never seen a box of these.
Hands off, Dominic.
These are for Elaine,
from her number-one fan over there.
The reason why most teddy bears
have one side of their face
flatter than the other
is because it shows how much
they have been loved.
Cut. Oh, great work, Nick.
You know,
it's hotter than Hades out here.
I'm gonna need a considerably
higher factor sun cream.
Or I suppose
that's just too much to ask!
OK, everyone, let's break for lunch.
That's half an hour.
My arms are killing me.
Engage the core.
What?
If you engage your core, you'll
put less pressure on your arms.
Oh. All right.
Sorry, Dom.
That made me sound like an idiot.
It's just that I lost
four stone last year.
Retained a few tricks of the trade.
Oh, wow.
I hadn't seen my toes
since the noughties.
Shut it!
I'm serious.
You wouldn't have recognised me.
Oh. Well, you look great now.
Well done.
What's your usual workout?
Er, you know, do a bit of planking.
Ooh, that's what I mean.
Engage the core. Good man.
Hey, you know, I got everyone delayed
on purpose so I could work with you?
You didn't?
No, but I'm really happy
it's worked out like this, Jean.
You are a natural.
Is there no way I could persuade you
to join the team?
You'd be amazing.
What is this, a tag team?
It's a great gig.
Not just the travel,
but the stuff you get to see.
I handled a real Caravaggio in Rome.
You didn't?
The brush detail was exquisite.
I mean, that is amazing.
It really was.
Dom, can you give us a hand
with the large amphora?
What?
Don't worry. It's nothing medical.
THEY CHUCKLE
It's a vase.
Yeah, I know, I know what it is.
I didn't hear you properly.
Come.
So, what are you up to
after the European tour?
Oh, we've just been commissioned
to do a new spin-off series.
It's like an
antiques competition quiz thing.
Oh. Sounds interesting.
Yeah. The only thing is, unfortunately,
I can only take Elaine or David, as
the network only needs one expert.
I mean, they'll still be
on this show, but
Hm. Do they know?
Oh, yeah, I told them. They both
understand. Such professionals,
but the channel hasn't
made up its mind yet.
David would love to
do more of this stuff.
Even being the occasional
pundit on this show,
it's changed his life.
And I've got you to thank for that.
I would still have preferred you, Jean.
Oh!
OK!
Sorry.
Steady, Dom.
Oh!
On first appearances, this looks
like an innocent brass vase.
But if we look at the base,
we can see a date. 1914.
And a location - Dusseldorf.
This is a beautiful example
of trench art
crafted out of an artillery shell
during the First World War.
Oh, my!
Hm.
That's over to you, Nick.
Sometimes, they let
me do the odd analysis,
especially if it's to do with music,
as these guys haven't got a clue
about anything past 1900.
LAUGHING
So, this is made from shellac,
a lot harder, heavier and colder
than the vinyl record
that replaced it.
We can tell by the sound,
even without playing any music.
I mean, it will play,
but it may be a few more shows
until we find a working player.
CHUCKLING
So, Japanese dragons
supposedly had three or four toes,
whereas Chinese dragons
supposedly had five.
APPLAUSE
Well, it's an image
of Wellington at Waterloo.
The ink distribution is very smooth.
Right.
And worth around
..600 euro.
Oh!
SHE CHUCKLES
Cut. OK. Brilliant.
Everyone out to the terrace
for summing up with David,
then on to the final link with Nick.
It was lovely to meet you, Gloria.
Oh, you, too.
Yes.
600 euro?
Well, yes, there or thereabouts.
Oh!
What a wonderful time we've had
in the beautiful Sainte-Victoire.
And next week, get your castanets out,
because the European
road trip continues.
Bilbao, Spain.
See you then.
Cut!
And that's a wrap.
CHEERING
SCREAMING
D'accord. Merci beaucoup.
Elaine didn't make it.
Poison?
The paramedics are 99% certain.
SHE EXHALES
Oh. Hello, love.
How are you doing?
Is Elaine OK?
Er
No, I'm afraid not.
I'm sorry.
I think I may have a migraine coming on.
That'll be the shock.
I just want to go home.
Sorry, Gloria, but no-one can leave
until everyone has been interviewed.
Maybe Gloria could have
a little lie-down here?
Of course.
We've got plenty of rooms.
HE CHUCKLES
Hey, hey. I'm right here, all right?
Jean, it makes more sense than ever
to ask for your help
with this subject matter.
Yes, of course.
Whatever I can do to help.
Yeah. Jean was nearly the star of it.
Pardon? Well, they offered her
the job of lead pundit,
but she gave it away to David.
Is this true?
Yes, but I couldn't think
of anything worse
than all that attention.
I totally agree.
OK, shall we start the interviews
in the lounge?
OK.
Do any of you know anyone
who might want to harm Elaine?
Well, she was a bit of an ice maiden.
Don't hold back, Nick.
Her words, not mine.
I'm I'm just saying.
What are you saying?
She wasn't very warm on or off screen.
The viewers loved her.
Of course they did,
but she wasn't really a TV personality.
How do you mean?
She was the best dealer in the business.
Yes, but that didn't necessarily
make her likeable on screen.
She was
super firm.
And scrupulously fair.
Do any of you have any knowledge
of what she ate or drank today?
Why do you ask that?
It is becoming quite apparent
that she was poisoned.
Well, she did have her traits,
did Elaine.
Very Hollywood.
She would not eat
before she finished filming.
One of her good-luck habits.
But I did see a cup of tea on the table.
Yes, you saw a cup, but no tea in it.
Just water.
She wouldn't touch anything else.
Just pure spring water from a bottle.
Oh, can we take a break
and get a coffee?
That is a good idea.
But everyone must stay in the house.
We will need formal statements
from all of you.
Hey.
I need to tell you something.
Go on.
David gave Elaine a bottle of water
in the car as we arrived.
And?
She couldn't find hers.
Swore she left with it this morning.
Ah, she was always misplacing stuff.
I'm not accusing him of anything.
I'm just saying it's pretty convenient,
given the current circumstances, no?
I suffered with terrible migraines
for years after we lost the twins.
It's where I got my
love of sunglasses from.
I decided that my trauma
would be glamorous if nothing else.
It gave me a way to own it.
Darling! Lights off. You know the rules.
Oh, yes. Sorry, Gloria.
I've, um, bought you a drink.
Thank you.
Is there anything else we can do?
I need my prescription pills.
They're brilliant.
They work almost instantly.
Where are they?
Back at the garage.
In the bathroom cabinet.
Er
Nobody's allowed to leave the house!
Well, we can't let her suffer like this.
What can we do?
Let's slip out the back.
No need to make a fuss.
We'll be back before anyone misses us.
Good idea.
We will be back before you know it.
Come on, darling.
I mean, I'm not keen on any of them
apart from David.
That Nick with his little
sun umbrella. What's that about?
Who does think he is, Jane Austen?
And that Paul?
He clearly fancies you.
"I've lost four stone."
"Oh, well done, mate.
You must have been massive."
Excuse me, David, please come
with me for some questioning.
This way.
"I've not seen my toes
since the noughties, you see."
JEREMY CLEARS THROA
It's all right.
What on earth is going on?
We have a witness who swears
that David gave Elaine
her drinking water this morning.
Yes, I did. So what?
I do most mornings.
She's always forgetting things.
But that was the only thing
she consumed all day.
Jean also told me
it was between you and her
to present a new spin-off show.
Oh! Hang on!
What are you trying to insinuate?
Well, it's quite the motive, isn't it?
I don't think
I have ever been more insulted.
I am a dealer, first and foremost.
I have been for 30 years.
Yes, telly is great,
but it's not my whole life.
How dare you suggest
I would try to kill someone
just to get my 15 minutes of fame?
I think with Elaine now gone, maybe
the fame would last a little longer.
Caron, David is one
of my closest friends!
I do realise that, Jean,
but the facts are
Yeah. One man's opinion. Which
is yet to be proved to be a fact.
David isn't capable
of harming anyone.
I have to ask the questions, Jean.
OK.
So, I'm going to look at the footage
that's been filmed so far,
because
we must be missing something.
Jean
..I didn't mean to upset anyone.
It is the truth, and it had to be said.
I'm upset because one
of my closest friends is upset,
so I am gonna prove his innocence.
Very good.
And then you can apologise.
'OK. Ready, Nick?
'And'
There you go.
Thanks, love.
'..action.'
This is the last time
we saw Elaine alive.
'And for the final piece
of treasure of the day,
'let's head over to Elaine.'
At least someone had a go
on the Yeldons chocolates.
What?
Look.
Yeah, rewind it.
Yeah, keep going.
There, there, there. Look.
I'd recognise a crystal
caramel anywhere.
Look!
She ate one.
Jeremy must have passed 'em on
from that weird bloke.
SHE EXHALES
I need to call him.
Yeah.
Oh, come on, Jeremy, pick up.
RINGING
SIGHS
We need to talk to Caron.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
If you have anything to share,
it would be easier
for you to do it now.
No comment.
Jean, tell your copper friend here
that I have never been
so badly treated in all my life,
and I will not be saying another
word without a lawyer present.
Just bear with me, love. Caron?
We need a word.
Elaine's number-one fan
bought her a box of chocolates.
Yeldons from England.
You can't get 'em in France.
And?
It must have been
the last thing she ever ate.
He's on the footage.
He was in the audience.
Let's go and talk to him.
Please do not go anywhere.
SHE SIGHS
HE SIGHS
That's him.
Dom, could you find Jeremy,
or at least try and get hold of him?
Yeah, course.
Thanks, love.
There you go.
I wonder if we could ask you
a few questions, Monsieur?
Nigel. My name's Nigel.
Er, yeah, of course.
This way, please.
Did you give some chocolates to Elaine?
Absolutely.
I always give her a gift every show.
First time she's ever got 'em,
though.
Er, David and Nick,
they can be quite protective.
Mm. At the moment, we cannot locate
the rest of the chocolates,
but I'm willing to bet
that they all contain poison, too.
What happened?
Did she reject you one time too often?
I saw how she looked at you
on the way in.
She wasn't very pleased to see you.
That must have been hard
to take after all these years.
Had you had enough?
NIGEL SCOFFS
Er
Look, I'm the last person
who wanted her dead.
Ten years ago, my mother died,
and to my shame, I didn't have
enough money to bury her.
But she'd always talked about
this expensive painting
that she had in her little council
flat. Nobody really believed her.
But I took that painting
to Elaine to sell
and try and get some money
towards the cost of the funeral.
Well, she gave me £1,000 for it.
I was over the moon.
I just about managed
a very sparse funeral.
So Elaine helped you?
Two weeks later, I saw
the very same painting in the paper.
It sold for £25,000.
It was a rare Mary Cassatt.
SHE GASPS
The name
that's now seared into my brain.
So I charged back to the shop
with the article and she blanked me.
She told me I must be mistaken
and did I have a receipt
for this so-called painting?
And did you?
No, stupidly, I didn't. I
I was just so desperate for the money.
But Elaine has built
her entire TV career
on the fact that she's honest
as the day is long.
Indeed she has. And that's why I go
to as many of her shows as possible.
Wh-Why?
Well, to get my money back, of course.
So you didn't want her dead?
Good grief, no!
I just wanted my money back.
But she kept denying me,
so I kept reminding her
of what she was -
a woman who let a man bury his
mother on a shoestring out of greed.
Er, sorry, guys.
Uh, what's the matter? Dom said
you needed to talk to me urgently.
Jeremy, the rest of the
Yeldons chocolates -
where are they? We need
to recover them all right away.
Why?
We think they are poisoned.
Impossible.
We ate them.
Pardon?
A Yeldons strawberry supreme
is quite simply irresistible.
Jeremy ate the rest.
Guilty as charged.
CARON EXHALES
So, am I free to go?
Uh, not quite. Please stay
until otherwise informed.
Is that everything?
We need to attend to something.
Yeah.
Come along, Jeremy.
Yes, coming.
So, David is still our
strongest suspect.
Still?
Well, it physically
can't be anyone else.
We have a witness who saw him
give Elaine a water bottle.
It was obviously the water
that was poisoned.
So you have proof of that?
We are waiting for the lab results.
Exactly.
So you can't be sure?
HE SIGHS
Maybe it would be a good idea
if you helped me interview David.
He might be more willing to confess
if you are there.
Are you having a laugh?
No. I'm being very serious.
David is my friend,
and he's a very close friend.
And I'm not sure
you know the meaning of the word.
Please, Jean, this is not personal.
I am dealing in facts.
And the fact is, David is innocent.
Come on, you two.
Let's try and stay calm, eh?
I can see both sides here.
Jean.
There's a Citroen 2CV parked outside.
They always remind me of you.
What did you call yours again?
Buttercup.
Buttercup!
That's it.
You crashed into a bush after a
munchie run to an all-night garage.
Yes, and I've never been
behind the wheel again.
Can't be good at everything, Jean.
Yeah.
I have to start thinking
about putting out a press release.
What, so soon?
A lot of people in that room.
Someone will let the news out
before we do.
Oh, God, it's so awful.
Paul?
Mm?
Can I take a look at the footage again?
Of course you can. Come on.
MURMURING
'Oh, this isn't a painting. It's a
lithograph by Robert Hillingford.'
KNOCKING
'Probably early 20th century.'
Hi.
Oh, love, I'm glad to see you.
I should have got you
to value this after all.
Do you mind flogging it for me?
I don't really wanna see it again.
Of course.
How are you doing?
Pills are kicking in,
so a little better.
Do you think you're well enough
to answer some questions?
Er Just about, yeah.
Right, now,
can you remember what Elaine was
like when the cameras moved off her?
Er
she started moaning about
how the big microphone
was nearly blocking her shot.
I hadn't noticed.
Anything else?
Er
She said she got bitten by
a mosquito on the back of her leg
towards the end of the link.
Mosquito?
Yeah. I remember being a bit confused
because I hadn't noticed any
and they always get me.
She started scratching it
quite vigorously,
saying how Waterloo stuff
was popular back home,
but not here, for obvious reasons.
And then she started to slur
like she was drunk.
I couldn't understand
what she was saying, and then
Take your time, love.
..she hit the floor.
I jumped up and went over
and that's when I saw her face.
I just couldn't help it, Jean,
I screamed.
Of course you did. Come on, you.
You go and look after yourself.
Thanks, love.
Nice to see you, Paul.
And thank you for fixing the van.
Hm. Hm.
So Gloria didn't hear any mosquitoes.
I didn't hear any mosquitoes.
Did you?
No.
I think we're too high up
in the mountains for them.
Yeah, I mean, I've seen that footage
a few times now.
I'm sure I would have noticed.
Yeah, and I would have stopped
filming if I heard any buzzing.
Hm.
Oh, I doubt she's gonna
get 600 euros for this.
I mean, there's so many
Waterloo prints flying about.
Waterloo.
Oh!
DOOR OPENS,
CLOSES
Caron, this sounds a bit mad,
but I think
HE SPEAKS ON PHONE
Please do not leave the property.
Stop!
PANTING
I think we need to ask you
a few questions, sir.
Well, I never.
Now, should I explain
how you killed Elaine,
or would you like to confess?
No? OK.
So, this is a Bulgarian umbrella,
as you well know, Nick.
Now, it's called a Bulgarian umbrella
because it's how the Bulgarian
dissident Georgi Markov was murdered
in London in 1978.
A tiny metal pellet was
released from the tip here,
containing a deadly amount of ricin,
and, well, that amounted
to certain death.
Elaine's body is being tested
for ricin as we speak.
This is how I see it.
Psst.
'When you'd finished your link,
you went off camera
'and you accidentally
dropped your umbrella and script.
'When you went to pick them up,
'you discreetly stabbed Elaine
in the back of her leg'
Amateurs!
'..and in the fuss with Judith,
'nobody noticed you doing it.'
In fact,
I'm quite frustrated with myself
that I was distracted by your
very individual diversion tactic.
Pardon?
Extreme rudeness.
HE EXHALES
So, how did you know?
SHE EXHALES
Well, it wasn't until I had chance
to speak to my friend Gloria
that it all fell into place.
Elaine complained of a
mosquito bite on her leg,
but there was no sound of mosquitoes
in the footage at all.
And then I saw
the Waterloo lithograph,
and something triggered in my brain.
Now, Georgi Markov was poisoned
on Waterloo Bridge,
and before he got ill, he complained
that an insect had bit him.
I put two and two together,
and, um, well, I was right.
You are very well-read, Mrs White.
Hm.
I mean, how did you even get hold
of one of these? They are so rare.
Hm.
It was on the very first
series of Antique Antics
that I came across an elderly gentleman
standing in a queue with an umbrella.
He said he found it in his loft.
And you knew what it was straight away?
Of course I did.
I persuaded him to sell it to me
right there and then.
Bless him.
He didn't know what it was,
but, um
I did,
and I never knew when it would
come in so
useful.
But I do not understand your motive.
Why kill Elaine?
She was no threat to you.
I thought you were friends.
Television can be such a cruel business.
I knew that Paul was producing
a new series for the network.
Yeah, but that was a spin-off.
Your show wasn't under threat.
Ah, you see, that's where you are wrong.
My old friend in commissioning
told me that
my show was finishing after this series,
and they were not planning on
telling me till I shot the last one.
So
OK, why Elaine and not David?
Elaine told me last week
that she was chosen
and it was all top secret.
I mean, she was impossibly
grand after all that,
so I figured if she was gone,
then they could hardly
decommission my show
and I could continue as normal.
You've just murdered a woman,
and all you talk about is a TV show?
Hiya, love. Are you going now?
I thought you were leaving tomorrow.
Jean, love,
please forgive me,
but I've booked the flight home.
I just want my own bed.
It's proper taking it out of me.
I mean, Nick was never
my favourite, but this!
He turned out to be
a right nasty piece of work.
And there's nothing to forgive.
I absolutely don't blame you.
I'm getting too bloody old for all this.
Never. You are forever young.
Come here.
SHE CHUCKLES
HORN HOOTING
Oh! Right, give me a call
when you get home, yeah?
I will. Lots of love, kid.
There you go.
Hiya.
How are you doing?
Oh!
I'll tell you all about it
when we get to the pub.
I don't know about you,
but I am desperate for a drink.
Oh, same here.
Are you ready, then, Dom?
Oh, I can't make it tonight, and
Jeremy's asked me to help tidy up.
The housekeeper's called in sick.
Oh, that's a shame.
Just you and me, then?
Yeah, I suppose so.
To be honest, I won't be there long.
I am absolutely shattered.
Right. See you, then.
Night, then.
Oh, I'll call you tomorrow.
Elaine.
Elaine.
So, what happens to the show now, then?
Well, I suppose I'll go back
to London and try and reschedule.
It's gonna take a big rethink.
Oh, I bet.
Hm.
I hope that means that
it's not all over for David now.
Oh, no, no, no. He's too popular.
Don't worry about him.
The show must go on, as they say.
Ah!
Jean?
Oh!
I've got something to tell you.
Go on.
INAUDIBLE
PAUL CHUCKLES
Oh!
Dom? Dom!
Dom, I didn't think you were coming.
Can I get you a drink?
Look, Jean, if you don't want this
What?
I mean, you and me to be exclusive,
then just tell me, eh?
I'm a big boy.
You're a grown woman.
You can see whoever you wanna see,
but I just don't work like that.
I need to know.
What are you talking about?
Well
Him. Paul. I mean, there's clearly
a spark between you both,
and
Hey?
Well, you knew I wasn't
coming tonight, so
Wow.
I can't believe you've
just actually said that.
For your information, Paul,
who I've known since
university, by the way,
has just told me that
after years and years of trying,
his wife, Julia, is six months pregnant.
Jean!
I forgot to show you the 12-week scan.
I won't be a minute.
Maybe you're not ready for this yet,
Dom.
I know Georgina cut you deep,
but I would never do that to you.
And I don't wanna spend
the rest of my life
thinking that you think I would.
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