The Nanny s04e05 Episode Script

- These were delivered for you.
- Oh, great.
Ah, Miss Fine! Filling in for your cousin, Mel, the doorman again? I wish.
Is that a cushy job or what? All he does is open doors and receive packages.
A baboon could do that.
Oh, well, of course, a highly-trained baboon.
Mr.
Sheffield, what do you think? I'm gonna mix and mingle at the yacht club today.
- The yacht club? - Uh-huh.
That's setting your sights a little high, isn't it? You know, I am not the same chick I was when I started here three years ago.
I mean, I can't look for love in all the old joints, now that I've acquired so much class and panache.
There's that Band-Aid that came off in the bath tub.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there That's how she became The Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we've described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She is the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran Sweetheart, thank God you're home.
I have to warn you.
You're in terrible danger! ( Sniffs ) Hmm.
Did Niles make a noodle kugel? Ma, would you concentrate? Pretend you're full.
Did Aunt Freida call? Yeah.
She said her apartment was being painted, so I said she could stay here for the night.
- Oh, aye, I' am too late.
- What? She's been thrown out of her apartment.
( Fran gasps ) She is broke.
They even took away her nightclub to pay for her taxes.
No more Freida's La Freak? That place was like an institution.
Has this city no soul? They're putting in a Loehmann's.
Oh, well, you know, you really can't fight progress.
She's hitting up everyone in the family for a place to stay.
How could this happen? The woman's buried five husbands.
You'd think that she can live off of what she found in their old pants' pockets.
What happened to Fred, her millionaire boyfriend? Well, she's afraid.
If he knows that she's broke, he'll think that she's after him for his money.
Well, isn't she? If she has a brain in that fat head of hers, she is.
Poor Aunt Freida, she came this close to makin' it as a singer.
And her damn boyfriend, Steve had to go and meet Eydie.
( Doorbell rings ) Well, good luck getting rid of Freida now.
She's like a Cesarean scar.
You'll have her for life.
Freid! Syl! Both: Muah, muah.
So, how are Morty's mumps? They're still contagious? Very.
Fred, get out of the car.
He's so sweet, but he's such a schmegegge.
Fred, honey, pull the knob up.
How could such a schmegegge become so rich? This from a woman who voted for Ross Perot? Fred.
Fred, I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Sylvia, and her daughter, Fran.
I'm Sylvia.
I'm gonna go upstairs and steam a couple of things.
Fred, would you like to come in? Hmm? Oh, no, no.
I'm fine out here.
Now, I've got a light and a chair.
( chuckles ) I don't want to be a bother.
( Door slams shut ) What do you know, he's half Jewish.
Will someone tell me when is it my turn Don't I get a dream for myself Starting now it's gonna be Mr.
Sandman Yes, bring me a dream boom boom boom boom I had a dream A dream about you and you ( Fran joins in ) And you Who needed a little bite to eat? Your 17-pound turkey is ready.
Excuse me, I'm taking a short break.
Enjoy the buffet.
Well, now that that's taken care of, I can go to my yacht club.
Speaking of turkeys, how many arrangements does that human karaoke know? Well, that depends.
Has she already done her tribute to Chaka Khan? C.
C.
, would you mind leaving us alone for a moment? I'd like a word with the skipper.
Well, exactly how long is your Aunt's engagement here going to last? Because, we we do have another act coming in.
From the nanny agency! Well, if you'll just retract those veins, I'll tell you a perfectly good explanation.
There is no explanation why that woman is still in my house! A very wealthy and repressed man's in love with her.
But he's not ready to commit.
Well, that's understandable.
Uh-huh.
It's only fair that she give him plenty of time.
And how much time are we talkin'? Hmm? Oh, I don't know.
Can't rush these things.
Yeah, well, I hope he knows that he doesn't have forever, because she's not gonna wait around like some schlub, since she can't even spit in this town without hitting some eligible classy guy.
Uh, well, good bloody luck to her catching one.
Because men seldom date women who say the word "schlub" and rarely marry those who spit.
Oh! Your big fat ears get all that, Niles? It's just me, Daddy.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.
- Do me a favor? - Mm-hmm.
Tell the man with the big fat ears next to you I'd like a drink.
- He said he wants a drink.
- Niles: I heard him.
- Oh, thank you.
- Here you go.
Thanks.
All right, all right.
I'm leaving.
What was that about? That woman tried to get in with a Xeroxed membership card.
Huh, and it looked do phony.
Oh, my God! Well, I'm surprised she didn't dip it in tea first to give it that aged look.
Then you paste on one of those magnetic strips from the back of an old Blockbuster's card, before giving it that authentic look of laminating it.
You wouldn't believe what people will do to marry up.
Oh, boy, you know, that is so superficial.
Give me a working man any day.
What do you do? I'm a chauffeur.
That seat's taken.
Oh! Fred! Oh, Fred! Hi! It's okay, Fred.
You can talk to me.
Oh, I don't want to bother you.
You look like you're in the middle of something.
Yeah, my child-bearing years.
Fred, come on over here, honey.
I didn't know you were a member.
Oh, yes, yes.
For years now.
Oh? This is my favorite time of day.
I love to come over and watch the bartenders cut the fruit.
No, no, no.
When you're rich, they call it eccentric.
You know, Fred, I'm really glad I ran into you.
It's so obvious that, you know, you're a shy guy.
But you really feel strongly about Freida.
Why don't you pop the question? Oh, Freida would never marry me.
She's so vibrant, sexy.
I want whatever he's drinkin'.
I really don't know what she sees in me.
Uh.
It's your eyes.
Besides, I can never give her the kind of life that she shoots to.
- Uh-huh.
- Parties, night-clubbing.
I'm not a very exciting man.
I can't even Oh, Fred.
Don't be embarrassed.
You know, you can do other things and really most women just like to cuddle.
I was going to say dance.
Ah.
Well, that's good because that cuddle thing is a big myth.
Oh, Fred, I can teach you how to dance.
A couple of private lessons.
You'll sweep her off her feet.
You must really love your aunt.
She'd be moved.
Well, moving my aunt is a big priority of my family.
I should've never let you teach me the mambo.
Oh, no, Fred, it's okay.
You know, in China, women without toes are considered sexy.
Well, let's face it, Fran.
I'll never be known for my dancing.
Nonsense, Fred.
You're very light on your feet.
I'm sure there was a pair of ski boots under here somewhere.
Look, let's forget the whole thing.
Oh, no, no, Fred, Fred.
If you don't leave here with Freida, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Did I say "I"? Let me demonstrate.
Watch me.
One two three One two three Turn turn turn.
Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy Ah ah Now you try.
( Mambo music playing ) I'll never be as good as you.
Don't compare yourself to me.
I was on "Dance Fever.
" I'll just show you a couple of steps so you can fake it, okay? Hmm.
Now, one two three Hey! I kin I kinda like that.
You're getting it.
Ooh-ah! Now, just keep doing the same thing over and over again.
Ooh-ah! Well, not that.
That could get annoying.
Oh, Fr-Fran, wait, ooh.
Well, you're doing great! Fran, now, there's something wrong with my arm.
Worry more about your feet.
- No, really.
- Fred, not so close.
Don't dip me! Fred! Fred! Fred? Whoa, Fred.
Oh, my God! ( Gasps ) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, my God! Fred, I hope for your sake, that's rigor mortis setting in.
Woman on PA: Dr.
Warner, wanted in radiology, please.
Oh, can you believe that she did this to me under my own roof? Oh, my mama.
I'm gonna faint.
- Hold me.
- Hold you? I'm still paying for this hip.
Ya happy, hot pants? Don't you yell at my daughter, Nettie? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you so desperate to get married? Where is this insanity coming from? ( Sobbing ) Mr.
Sheffield is here, put some lipstick on.
Why won't anyone believe me? I was just trying to get those two together.
Just because he was lying on top of me with romantic music at 1:00 in the morning doesn't mean You know, this would all be a non-issue if I was running opposite Dole.
I've got an 8:00 a.
m.
appointment.
Niles, would you let C.
C.
know what happened? Oh, I already phoned her, sir.
Told her a certain millionaire suffered a heart attack in Miss Fine's bed.
C.
C.
: Maxwell! You're all right! Oh, dear, you thought I meant him? He can have visitors now, but he's weak, so you should only go in one at a time.
Thank you.
Thanks for taking such good care of him.
I really appreciate Fred.
Freddy.
It's your Freidela.
Are you are you all right? Can you hear? His color's not so good.
Well, that hose you're standing on might have something to do with it.
You have the nerve to speak to me? I didn't do anything! I'm innocent! Shh, shh, shh.
Look, he's trying to say something.
Fran, you're so good.
Put my leg where? Where the heck is that hose? You you husband stealer, you! Now, who-who's gonna take care of me? Where am I gonna live? ( Shouting ) Any idea of Miss Fine being seriously involved with Fred is absurd.
Oh, why do you say that, sir? Come on, man.
He is nice, but, but she couldn't be interested in him after me.
What's so great about you? I mean, what's so great about you - is your ability - Oh, shut up! I know.
Of course, it's only a matter of time before she does find someone if she keeps putting herself out there.
Do you think she's doing all of this just to spite me for taking back the, you know, thing? Well, it's very difficult to say, sir.
Considering the fact that I don't know what the bloody thing is! Oh, well, I might as well tell you.
Oh.
( phone rings ) We'll get back to them.
First of all, no one else must ever know what I'm about to tell you.
All right, let me see.
We were uh, we were on our way back from Paris, and, uh, well, I thought we were about to die.
So I turned to Miss Fine and I told her I loved her.
Then I panicked, took it back and, ( scoffs ) that's it.
So, now you know, what the thing is.
( Door shuts ) ( Niles screaming ) Fran, I refuse to share a bathroom with your aunt anymore.
I brushed my teeth with some chick product.
Don't even wanna speculate what that was.
Oh, what are you complaining about? There's like a toenail from Jurassic Park in my bathroom.
And look at this.
Your aunt ate the entire box of chocolates that my boyfriend gave me.
Oh, don't worry kids.
I'll take care of everything.
Nanny Fine, I didn't know you were attracted to decrepit old men.
Am I gonna have to keep my eye on the two of you now? In my day, two people got to know each other first.
In your day, there only were two people.
Fran! Franny, darling! Fred regained consciousness.
He explained everything.
- Oh.
- And then, he proposed! So can you ever forgive me? - Did you accept? - Yeah! All is forgiven.
Muah! ( Children talking excitedly ) Oh, look how excited they are for me.
Not quite yet, my loves.
Because, you know, there's still so much to do.
And I haven't even decided where I'm gonna have the ceremony now that I'm getting married.
Hear! Hear! Here? Oh, what a doll! Muah, muah.
So, I'm gonna upstairs and try on my old wedding gown.
Come on, kids.
Help zip me up.
I'll get the pliers.
All right, I, uh, I know something just happened.
You just offered to have Freida's wedding here.
What? Why didn't you bloody say something? Oh, calm down.
Do you think that I would subject you to the horror of a Fine family affair? Not after what happened at Grandma Yetta's birthday party, which you know nothing about.
So what am I bringing that up for? Moving on, moving on.
I can't believe I agreed to let Freida have her wedding here.
Oh, relax.
I've got a plan.
Oh, thank God.
First, I'll go out and buy a dress for the wedding.
Yes, right.
Better give me a credit card.
This way it looks like you're going along with it.
Oh, uh, right, right.
Okay, now, while I'm doin' that, you, - this'll be a snap for you.
- Okay, okay.
- Go upstairs, - Yeah? - Find Freida, - Uh-huh? And take it back.
This is beautiful.
Why is it families only get together at weddings and funerals? You know, you wore that dress to her last wedding.
I'm saving the new one for your shiva, Nettie.
Well, we don't need anything old or blue.
I just shoved Freida into her corset.
( laughing ) - Fran, Fran.
- Yes, yes.
- Can I talk to you? - Sure.
I can't go through with this.
Oh, Fred, now I don't want to hear that you're not good enough for Freida.
You're a wonderful guy.
I'd marry ya in a second.
Then marry me.
I think I'm in love with you.
Fred! Don't be ridiculous! You you're just getting cold feet.
I'll give you anything you've ever wanted.
Yes, I'm worth millions.
This'll do.
No, no, Fred.
You don't love me.
You love Freida.
You guys make a perfect couple.
There is nothing more right in this whole world.
This is so wrong.
Say anything to disturb this ceremony, and you're dead.
And do you, Freida Rubinsky, Mannerino, Chung-Dao, Bitterman, ( mouthing ) No, no.
Excuse us, coming through, excuse me, just a minute, thank you.
I can't let Freida go through with this.
Oh, yes, you can.
My house has turned into a pest motel.
Where the Fines check in, but they don't check out.
You don't understand.
He doesn't wanna marry her.
He said he loves me.
He's confused.
The man just had a near death experience.
He didn't know what he was saying.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Now you're takin' it back for him? Oh, you know, maybe ignorance is bliss.
Maybe I should just let them be happy.
I mean, Freida's been widowed five times, maybe six will be her lucky number, who knows? I do.
Freida: Fred! Fred! He said I do! All: We heard it.
( Woman on TV laughing ) Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, look, Aunt Freida sent us a tape from their honeymoon.
Oh, I can't believe how well Fred recovered.
I know.
Doesn't he look incredible? Boy, that quadruple bypass really did the trick.
Hmm.
( laughing ) Next week I'm gonna teach him the Macarena.
( Jazz music playing )