The Righteous Gemstones (2019) s04e05 Episode Script
You Shall Remember
1
[TV STATIC DRONES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[PEACEFUL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Praise.
Rejoice.
Salvation.
I'm Vance Simkins, here
with my sister, Shay,
and brother, Craig.
Oh, there you are, sunshine.
Where's Shay?
She out on another bender?
She wants nothin' to do with you.
But you, you can't stay away, can you?
I just came for my money.
You need to slow down with the spendin'.
We can't maintain it.
You can't tell me how much
of my own money we can spend.
It's not your money, Craig.
It's the church's money.
And the court order
says I got control of it.
I'm just lookin' out
for our family is all.
You're lookin' out for yourself,
openin' up all these
churches when we're broke.
For what, to prove to the Gemstones
that you're still somethin'?
You ain't.
They beat our asses.
They will never respect you.
[SIGHS]
Unlike some other churches,
who are all about the money
[SIGHS]
Here's 10,000.
Please try and make it last.
Just can't admit you're beat, can you?
You're gonna run whatever's
left of our empire into the dirt.
When I win Top Christ Following Man,
you'll see.
Oh, you'll all see.
You are a straight white male.
Your kind don't get awards anymore.
Or are you straight?
Never had a girlfriend, sweetie pie.
[GRUNTS] Don't you dare
insinuate such filth!
Now, Christ Almighty is on my side.
How many goddamn times do
I need to fuckin' say it?
[TENSE MUSIC]
Hey, Terry.
We're just wrappin' up here.
I'll be with you in one sec, all right?
God bless.
Praise ♪
♪
Praise ♪
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
[SIGHS, SNIFFLES]
- [PRINTER WHIRRING]
- [SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Yes!
Ah.
Daddy time.
[SNORTS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[WHISTLING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Uh-uh.
♪
Done.
I can feel it ♪
Whoo!
Hey! Yeah. Yeah.
Neil, I'm lovin' your hair.
Hey, sugar. How you doin'?
- How's your dad?
- He all right.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
I just want to say thank
you to all my Prism peeps
for comin' out to support my run
for Top Christ Following Man!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I will not let you down.
I am your advocate!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Please, Kelvin.
Let's party, y'all.
I'm feeling all these
butterflies tonight ♪
I'm only chasing heartthrobs tonight ♪
Whoo!
Quite the turnout for my Top Christ
Following Man congrats luncheon.
My Prism posse is no joke, yo.
Yeah, homey, you're
their little gay avatar.
Damn straight.
Strong leader blazin' a path.
[SCOFFS] Man, there
ain't nothin' straight
or strong about you.
You need to stop
smellin' your own farts.
[LAUGHTER]
[SNIFFS] Mmm, I like how it smells.
Oh, sick.
Yeah, of course you do. Gross.
Even Daddy had to give it up to me.
Okay.
I cannot believe he brought
Miss Lori here today, though.
[SCOFFS]
Did not want to see her
grinnin' face this a.m.
Oh, God, here comes
ol' grinnin' ass now.
Y'all hidin' out over here?
Maybe we just don't want to see no more
senior sexcapades, darlin'.
The slurping of the holes
is burned into our memory,
a scar upon the mind.
Permanent psychological damage.
I am truly sorry that
y'all had to witness that.
And I promise you, next
time, we gon' lock that door.
Our mama never locked us out.
I know this is awkward and embarrassing,
and I know y'all are upset.
But it's me, Lori.
Remember? Y'all like me.
I mean, can't we just
please do a restart?
As the children of
Elijah, our birth father,
we formally reject this union.
Have it be writ into the
record that there'll be no more
peace talks, nor truces.
Yep.
So am I to understand that
this is how it's gonna be?
- BOTH: Yeah.
- This is it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- I guess.
Okay, I think all
y'all little cocksuckers
need to put on your big-boy pants
and get the fuck over it.
I wish you'd put on any pants at all
instead of 69-ing our daddy.
[LAUGHTER]
Miss Lori, we have
refrained from unleashin'
our full power on you 'cause of
your history with this family.
- Yep.
- Oh, okay.
So please, please don't make
us cut loose on your bony ass.
Ooh.
Please don't make us!
[GRUNTING]
- Fuck it.
- Yeah, fuck it.
Oh, this is really quite intimidating.
You know what's sad about this is,
I've just always wanted
to be y'all's friend.
But if you want a
motherfuckin' wicked stepmother,
then I guess I can sure
as hell do that too.
- Stepmother?
- Y'all ain't married.
No, y'all didn't get
married for real, did you?
- Did you?
- Did you?
- Did you guys get married?
- Did you get married?
- Did you guys elope together?
- Answer.
- But did y'all get mar
- I really shouldn't say.
Answer right now.
No, I shouldn't say.
And, you know, I feel like I probably
shouldn't tell you anything
about my personal life
with your daddy.
Did y'all get mar
Bye!
I love you.
- Quit.
- Huh?
- [GASPS]
- Did they get married?
- Look at us.
- [GIGGLES]
A beautiful house, a great relationship,
a giant woman that
do all the dirty work.
- [GIGGLES]
- And I tell you what.
We just gettin' started.
- Now we new money.
- Yeah.
Now it's time to build
that generational wealth.
Close your eyes.
Open them. Look at this right here.
This is my new project.
It's a young adult show about Jesus
being a teenager in Nazareth.
I call it "Teenjus."
Oh, so that's a teen show about Jesus?
Yes.
Baby Billy, that's really good.
I like teen dramas
"Pretty Little Liars," "Gossip Women."
I'd watch "Tanjust."
Ain't no "Tanjust," Sola.
It's teen Jesus "Teenjus."
Over here skimmin'
leaves, eavesdroppin'.
Go inside that house and
watch them sleepin' babies.
Go on!
Get!
[MUTTERING IN GERMAN]
Night night, Sola.
Now, this franchise catches fire,
we talkin' cultural touchstone.
It's gon' take us from
first class to private jets.
Then maybe you can retire.
Retire?
What you talkin' about, retire?
I've spent my whole life
waitin' for these opportunities.
And I'm gon' strike this
iron as hard as I can
while this motherfucker
is red-hot, sweetie.
Lionel and Aimee-Leigh Jr.
Ain't gon' be tiny tots forever.
Even if I don't feed 'em
right, they'll get big.
I don't want you missin' it.
Well, I don't want to either,
but I got to provide now.
I got to set y'all up.
I'm an old man, Tiff.
I don't know how long I got.
Baby Billy, don't talk like that.
You're gonna live forever.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
- Come in here.
- [GIGGLES]
Get in here. Get in here now.
Ah!
[GRUNTS] Damn it.
Oh, my God.
I can't even make a T.
You were tryin' to piss in the tub?
No, I fell in because I'm helpless.
I'm broken.
I'm half a man.
It's okay. I'll get you out of here.
No, it's not okay!
I refuse to sugarcoat this.
Our lives are forever
changed because I couldn't
hit the backspin vault.
BJ, the doctor said with therapy,
you will totally walk again.
They're full of shit!
[SIGHS] Okay, dude. You know what?
I'm tryin' to be sympathetic here,
but it's really hard when
you're bein' a dickhead.
I don't even know who you are right now.
Me either.
Crippled, angry BJ is an
entirely new thing for me.
I can already tell I fuckin' hate him,
but I guess we better get used to him.
Go.
I'm gonna stand up out
of this bathtub on my own.
No, please, let me help you.
No!
Go, Judy!
[SIGHS]
[SOMBER MUSIC]
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GROANING]
- [GROANS]
- [SIGHS]
[YELLS]
Good afternoon, Judy.
Is it? I hadn't noticed.
Do you have a moment?
Let me ask questions too.
Oh.
What do you want?
I just came to drop somethin' off
and to see how you both are doin'.
Oh, guess what, Amber.
We're fuckin' miserable.
I'm so sorry.
But maybe I have somethin'
that'll make it better.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[MONKEY CHITTERING]
[LAUGHS] A fuckin' Monchhichi?
What are we supposed
to do with that, eat it?
No.
This is Dr. Watson.
He's a service animal.
I'm involved in a
charity for disabled vets
that trains capuchin monkeys
to help with simple, everyday tasks.
So we just take it
inside and it just, like,
runs around and shit?
Yeah, maybe it helps lighten the load,
maybe puts a smile on BJ's face.
Yeah, don't count on that happenin'.
But I mean, I guess we
could give it a shot.
What do we do if we don't like him?
- We just throw him out?
- No, I will take it back.
No pressure.
[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
Let's build a tree house out of love ♪
Let's turn the whole
world upside down ♪
Let's build a tree house out of love ♪
Let's build a tree house out of love ♪
Let's kiss and tell and knuckle down ♪
Let's turn the whole
world upside down ♪
It is all comin' together, Keefe.
I'm just happy to see you smilin'
after all you've been through.
A project like this tree house
is exactly what I need.
I'm hugely successful and
havin' a moment right now.
It's no time to be a sad
sack, actin' all depressed.
No matter how big a load
is dropped on your chest,
you rise.
Next Top Christ Following
Man event is coming up.
It's gonna be a live TV
roundtable discussion.
- Wow.
- It's gonna be a great chance
to drop some dank sound bites
and establish myself as a clear fave.
Will you be needing my assistance?
- Doy.
- Doy.
Gonna need a cheerin' section.
Boop.
A section you shall have.
Kelvin, Kelvin, go.
Okay, let's get back to work.
Okay.
[TRANQUIL MUSIC]
♪
Caught you.
Aw. [CHUCKLES] Busted.
[LAUGHS] Sneaky peeks.
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
♪
[SLURPS]
[LAUGHS] [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Daddy issues?
♪
- [SCOFFS]
- Congrats, scumbag.
I hear Daddy's datin'.
You have a new stepmommy.
Nobody got no stepmommy.
Why don't you mind your own
business and eff off, orphan?
No, you eff off, Jesse.
You went too far.
Firebombin' a church
what kind of demon does such a thing?
I'm sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.
But maybe don't put another
mini-mall church there.
Seems like it could
be bad mojo, perhaps.
Damn you.
[CHUCKLES] I have half a mind
to drop a yellow kerchief on you
right here, right now, in this chamber.
[ALL GASP]
What the hell's a yellow kerchief?
Looks like somebody hasn't read
his Cape and Pistol Manual, obviously.
[LAUGHTER]
If I drop a yellow
kerchief on your foot,
it means I'm callin' you a coward.
And the only way you can
prove that you're not a coward
is to duel
pistols.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Boy
I wish you would drop a
yellow hanky on my boot.
I would love an excuse to murder you,
to blow that greasy haircut off
the top of your fuckin' head.
You'd try, but you'd miss.
I'm only gonna tell you
this once, so listen up.
Back up off me, son, if you
know what's good for you.
You're nothing to me.
No, Jesse, I am somethin'
somethin' you are never gonna forget.
New phone. Who dis?
Vance Simkins.
Doesn't ring a bell.
Stop playin' games. You know my name.
You know you know my name.
Does anyone know who
this young woman is?
My name's Vance Simkins, damn it!
Hi, I'm Jesse Gemstone.
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm done playin' these
childish games with you.
I'm way too mature for this.
Who are you?
♪
Got him. [CHUCKLES]
Got him, Daddy. [CHUCKLES]
Smoked him. [LAUGHS]
[WHEELS SQUEAKING]
Psst, psst, psst.
Hey.
Hey, boy.
What?
Come in here.
[SIGHS]
[WHEELS SQUEAKING]
I have a surprise for you.
South Carolina legalized euthanasia?
I get to die?
Beej, come on, dude. Hush on that mess.
Hey, there's tons of wheelchair
people who have great lives.
How about the president
with the cold legs
who does talks by the fireplace?
FDR?
He's dead.
BJ, your problem is not with your legs.
It's with your attitude, doll baby.
I can't even do the simplest stuff.
Well, maybe you need a
special friend who can.
Introducing Dr. Watson.
[BELL RINGING]
[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
A monkey? What's he do?
Whatever you want.
You just call him with that bell
and then say commands to him
and stuff, and he does it.
Like this. Watch.
Hey, Dr. Watson, why don't you go get me
a black cherry White
Claw from the hall fridge?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
There's no way he's
gonna be able to tell
what a White Claw is.
That's not how service
animals work, Judy.
That's insane.
[MONKEY CHITTERING]
[CAN POPS OPEN]
♪
It's Citrus Yuzu Smash,
but it's still fuckin' rad.
[LAUGHS]
♪
As members of Jesse's leadership team,
we have been tasked with
doin' a little diggin'
on one Miss Lori.
We did some look-'em-ups.
We scanned through Miss Lori's socials
and found all sorts of photos of her
with different male figures.
Yes.
On vacation, doin' hugs and laughter.
Harlot.
Hang on, hang on.
Levi, go back to that picture, dude.
Okay, zoom zoom in.
Zoom, zoom, left, left.
Go to 0.3 on the pixelation on that.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Enhance that quadrant.
Little tighter in.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Damn it.
Those earrings are fuckin'
cute, fuckin' bitch.
Wow, Jesse.
I mean, your guys have hit the jackpot.
What a treasure trove.
You know what?
I am too damn successful
to be sittin' here
lookin' at Miss Lori's crab claw dinners
and sundress selfies.
Our presentation is not complete.
Have a little bit of respect, Kelvin,
and sit your damn TT bird down
right now for five seconds.
Yeah, sit, you little twink.
Too damn successful.
These dudes did damn look-'em-ups,
and you're sittin' here
tryin' to go fuckin' walk away?
Well, show us somethin'.
Who the hell is that?
Now, he works at the Benz dealership
where Miss Lori bought her car.
ALL: Big Dick Mitch?
Maybe his dick is big.
I can't tell with
those slacks he has on.
His dick size is uncertain.
But unfortunately, so is his fate.
Big Dick Mitch is a missing person.
Get the fuck out of here.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Not you, Levi.
Levi looked up other
dudes tagged in the photos.
More than a few are either
missing or straight dead.
Drownings, suicides, car accidents.
Is this bitch a black widow?
We need to do some
additional look-'em-ups.
Who else knows Miss Lori?
Who's somebody who
has some real insight?
I don't know who that would be.
"Teenjus" is my young adult show
about Jesus being a
teenager in Nazareth.
Why don't you call it "Teen Jesus"?
"Teenjus" "teen" and "Jesus" mixed.
Yeah, but not mixed in a
way that makes any sense.
You're just takin' the J from "Jesus"
and then skippin' ahead
to the U and the S.
Like, that's not how you combine words.
If you're gonna combine
words, it'd be "Teensus."
- "Teensus."
- No, no.
I don't like that.
Also, it's fuckin'
rude that you're usin'
the whole word of "teen"
but you're gonna shorten "Jesus."
That's our Lord and Savior, homey.
This ain't even up for discussion.
[SNAPS FINGERS] I got it.
Use the J from "Jesus."
You shorten "teen."
You call him Jean.
- Ooh.
- Jean okay, that's better.
Ain't nobody gonna call Jesus Jean.
Now, pull out them pocketbooks
and green-light this.
Look, we ain't here to
be talkin' about pitches
and green lights, all right?
We came here to talk
about life and death.
What you know about Miss Lori?
You want to know about Miss Lori Milsap,
you don't need no AOL
or the World Wide Web.
You need Baby Billy Freeman.
You got some dirt?
Is it juicy?
Could be.
Come in here.
Could be just the thing that
sends Eli into a tailspin.
But I ain't tellin' y'all shit
until you give Baby Billy
Freeman what he wants.
And I got to get the cameras
rollin' on "Teenjus," now.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on, man.
- Oh, my God.
- Fine. Green-lit.
Now, spill it.
Congratulations, another
hit television show.
Yes.
All right, come in here.
Now, Miss Lori, now,
see, she reached out to me
about bein' a part of Aimee-Leigh's
birthday celebration telethon,
sayin' she didn't have no money,
that she's broke and
in debt, needed a gig.
Practically cryin' on the phone.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Well, I threw her a bone
as a favor to your mama.
But
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Come on in.
It sure is interestin',
though, ain't it?
Seein' as how she wound up in
the arms of your rich-ass daddy.
Sure does solve them
money problems, don't it?
♪
[MONKEY CHIRPS]
Oh, I forgot the bread.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
Go get the multigrain bread
from the counter, Dr. Watson.
[MONKEY CHITTERS]
♪
[MONKEY CHITTERING]
♪
Now return the multigrain to
its proper place, Dr. Watson.
[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
♪
Now, y'all say stuff.
Don't just make me be
the only one crushing him.
You guys do stuff to crush him too.
We already said we were gonna say stuff.
- Hey.
- As-salaam alaikum.
Is that Daddy or Samuel L. Jackson?
[LAUGHTER]
Nice hat.
Lookin' like a fashion victim, Daddy.
Is she dressin' you now?
That's gross, dude.
You're pussy-whipped.
[MIMICS WHIP CRACKING]
Kids, this has this
has gone on too long.
You better brace yourself
because unfortunately,
we have some intel on your lady friend.
Mm-hmm, and you are not gonna like it.
Oh, good grief.
If you're gonna bad-mouth Lori, save it.
She's a possible serial killer, Daddy.
[LAUGHS]
Like, a bunch of her boyfriends
are either dead, missing,
murdered, or gone.
- Big Dick Mitch
- Heard of him?
He clocked out of work
at the Benz dealership
and walked off the face
of the fuckin' Earth.
He's disappeared, Daddy.
Big Dick Mitch, nowhere to be found.
This is ridiculous.
She's also in debt up to her eyeballs.
Miss Lori is a poverty person.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
- She's poor. [LAUGHS]
I'm sorry to be the one to
have to share that news, Daddy.
Finally see what she sees in Daddy.
She's usin' you for your money, honey.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
She's tryin' to black
widow that ass, Daddy.
It's obvious.
She's attempting to make you
a "Dateline" episode, son.
That's all this ever was.
God damn it.
You kids need to grow up!
The lies, the shit attitudes,
the manipulations
enough!
Why don't you just go ahead
and get killed for your money, then.
See if I care. I don't
care. Just go do that, then.
- That's so stupid.
- I don't care, Daddy.
I won't sit here and
listen to you trash Lori
because you're too immature to realize
that Mama ain't comin' back.
She's not.
And I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna spend
what's left of my life
feelin' sad about it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Yo, Slick Rick, you tryin'
to take her side over ours?
Yeah, playboy.
Choose a side.
Us or her?
What's it gonna be?
Why'd you have to back him
into a choice like that, Jesse?
That was so fuckin' stupid!
Kelvin's the one who teed him up.
- I didn't tee him up.
- Buzz off.
I have bigger things to
do than bickerin' with
my underachievin' older bro
and my unsexy nurse sister.
You better watch your
fuckin' mouth, Corky.
I'm a very sexy nurse sister.
[SCOFFS] What the hell's
wrong with you lately?
Actin' like a certified bitch.
Y'all just salty that I've lapped you
in both achievement and prestige.
- [SCOFFS]
- My work with Prism
more relevant than anything you two do.
That's right.
I'm makin' headlines.
I'm makin' myself look
like a fool, y'all.
[CHUCKLES]
You're just actin' like a goddamn clown.
Self-absorbed everyone sees it.
Clowns don't get nominated
for Top Christ Following Man, dummy.
Too bad that's a total sham.
I've never seen a more
blatant example of tokenism.
Tokenism?
You a flavor of the month, son.
Your shit ain't real.
You ain't a Top Christ Following Man,
and you know it.
[LAUGHS]
How dare you?
You know why they gave it to you.
You know why.
San Francisco.
- That's rich.
- [SCOFFS]
You're a loser, Jesse.
Why don't you go cry in a Prayer Pod?
You fail at everything.
Your kids don't even
like you zero respect.
It's sad.
Damn, Kelvin, show some restraint.
And you
Daddy doesn't even think about you.
Why waste the time?
We'd all be happiest if you just married
some powerful asshole
and become their problem.
Instead you married a
pole-dancing cripple.
Now both of you are our problem.
♪
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Sorry.
I'm just speakin' my truth.
Well, I was just makin' a joke.
This was just flapping
hair to do a joke.
And you said stuff
that's hurtful for real.
- No, you meant it.
- I said a city, Kelvin.
That's all I did.
What's gonna happen if I say Fort Worth?
You gonna fuckin' stab me?
Hope you feel good about yourself.
I do feel good about myself.
BOTH: Good.
- Good.
- Good.
Good.
♪
[CHUCKLES] You're funny.
Oh!
[LAUGHS] You're such a gentleman.
- I try.
- [LAUGHS]
Well, it's no Gemstone
compound, but it's home.
Hey!
Mama said y'all were comin'.
Yeah, I figured it'd be best
to give everybody a little space.
Say no more.
I just popped by to drop
you guys off some dinner.
- A little Kung Pao Dynasty.
- Ooh.
I also left your edibles
by the microwave, Mama.
What's that? Edibles?
Darlin', they're like gummy bears,
except with marijuana in 'em.
Yeah, you're gonna like it.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you for the treats, baby.
Have fun, you two.
- Good to see you, Core.
- [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]
I'm gonna get me a gummy.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I sure am.
[BIRD SCREECHES]
[DONKEY BRAYS]
The kids in the village
will never give me
a fair shot, Johnny B.
Of course not, Teenjus.
They think you're you're nothing more
than a carpenter's son.
You know, if I win the
village dance contest,
there's no way I won't be accepted.
Through my moves and swagger,
I'll show them I am the chosen one.
Keep movin', you dirty Nazarenes.
Always up to mischief, are you, Teenjus?
When you finally gonna
get your act together?
You're late for class.
Teenjus. Teenjus!
Give me some more smolder, now.
You hate this Roman soldier.
You want to rip his fuckin' face off.
But you can't, now,
'cause you're Teenjus.
So just be conflicted, now.
Now, turn around and think
to yourself, fuck him!
And walk off slowly.
'Cause you don't want
to fuck with a Roman
'cause they will crucify you.
[DONKEY BRAYING]
Somebody get that donkey in focus.
Yes. And cut!
Work that mother,
work it to the bone ♪
If you're funky and you know it ♪
Throw dem hands up and show it ♪
If you're funky and you know it ♪
Throw dem hands up and show it ♪
If you're funky and you know it ♪
Throw dem hands up and show it ♪
And show it, and
show it, and show it ♪
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]
[GRACEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, and welcome
to the Top Christ
Following Man roundtable.
With me are nominees Vance Simkins,
Adam Kelly, Forrest
Gill, Kelvin Gemstone,
and Reggie Daniels.
What's up, what's up, playas?
Stay blessed, y'all.
Tonight we will discuss
an array of complex issues
facing Christians today.
So as King Solomon said,
let's get the ball rollin'.
[LAUGHS] King Solomon.
Gentlemen, first question.
Should children be taught
a comprehensive overview
of all major religions at school?
[MIMICS BUZZER] Yes.
I I want this one.
Okay, kids are my specialty.
You see, children are the future.
You can mold them any
which way you want.
What I teach my discipes
sorry, that's what I call my flock,
discipes instead of disciples.
I teach them everything
cool about Jesus.
You see, the Bible can be confusing,
so we translate it for
modern, cutting-edge times.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I certainly don't want to hurt anybody
or put a damper on
the evening, but, uh
God is tellin' me I gotta
speak up on this issue.
- Oh.
- You see, I follow Scripture.
- Mm.
- That's my thing.
Okay.
And I believe all of us
should follow the Scripture.
Of course.
What Kelvin here preaches,
it's not Scripture.
Kelvin, how do you respond?
Well, Prism is the Bible,
just through a different light.
Oh, brand shout-out.
Whoop, whoop!
Whoop, whoop!
But I already like the light it's in.
I don't need a different light.
You see, as a Christian, I
have love for everyone, okay?
But a homosexual bein' included here,
something's not right.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Amen.
Well, I mean, that's
just your opinion, so
Excuse me. I'm I'm still speaking.
Sadly, your nomination
means that this great honor
has strayed from its core values
to now bein' more about
just checkin' off a box.
Now, I know you get
a room full of people,
and you'll get a room full of opinions.
But God's word is clear on this issue.
Pastor Gemstone, any response?
Um, um
Uh, uh. [LAUGHS]
Cat got your tongue, didn't it?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I mean, that's there's lots
of parts of the Bible that are outdated.
But, like, also, it talks
about not eating shellfish.
I've avoided shellfish
for that very reason.
But by all means, if you think you got
more wisdom than the Bible
[CHORTLES]
Good luck to you, sir.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
[SIGHS]
[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
BJ, what is this? How did you
I'm sorry I've been using
you as a punching bag.
It's not right.
[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
♪
Thank you, Dr. Watson.
Can you also bring us some sparkling?
[MONKEY SQUEAKS]
Glad to see you and Dr. Watson
gettin' along so well.
He really has helped.
He's given me somethin' else to focus on
other than my anger and
questions of "why me?"
BJ, maybe God was testin'
us with what he did to you.
Maybe he's testin' our faith in him
and our faith in each other.
You really think so?
Maybe.
I mean, you know any test
we face, we fuckin' ace.
Especially now that
my Daddy has desecrated
his relationship to Mama,
we're the best couple in
this whole fuckin' family.
I love you, Judy.
♪
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS, SHRIEKS]
Ow! Ow!
You want to do another gummy?
Ow!
[GIGGLING] If I do another one,
I'll be in outer space.
[LAUGHTER]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
- [SCREAMING]
- Get down.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Eli, there's somethin'
I haven't been straight with you about.
What are you talkin' about?
Me and you need to
have a talk about my ex.
[TERRI GIBBS', "SOMEBODY'S KNOCKIN'"]
♪
Somebody's knockin' ♪
Should I let him in ♪
Lord, it's the devil ♪
Would you look at him ♪
I've heard about him,
but I never dreamed ♪
He'd have blue eyes and blue jeans ♪
♪
Well, somebody's talkin' ♪
He's whisperin' to me ♪
Your place or my place ♪
Well, which will it be ♪
I'm gettin' weaker and
he's comin' on strong ♪
But I don't want to go wrong ♪
♪
He must have tapped
my telephone line ♪
He must have known I'm
spendin' my time alone ♪
♪
He says we'll have
one heavenly night ♪
My fever's burnin', so he
ought to be right at home ♪
♪
Somebody's knockin' ♪
♪
[BRIGHT TONE]
[TV STATIC DRONES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[PEACEFUL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Praise.
Rejoice.
Salvation.
I'm Vance Simkins, here
with my sister, Shay,
and brother, Craig.
Oh, there you are, sunshine.
Where's Shay?
She out on another bender?
She wants nothin' to do with you.
But you, you can't stay away, can you?
I just came for my money.
You need to slow down with the spendin'.
We can't maintain it.
You can't tell me how much
of my own money we can spend.
It's not your money, Craig.
It's the church's money.
And the court order
says I got control of it.
I'm just lookin' out
for our family is all.
You're lookin' out for yourself,
openin' up all these
churches when we're broke.
For what, to prove to the Gemstones
that you're still somethin'?
You ain't.
They beat our asses.
They will never respect you.
[SIGHS]
Unlike some other churches,
who are all about the money
[SIGHS]
Here's 10,000.
Please try and make it last.
Just can't admit you're beat, can you?
You're gonna run whatever's
left of our empire into the dirt.
When I win Top Christ Following Man,
you'll see.
Oh, you'll all see.
You are a straight white male.
Your kind don't get awards anymore.
Or are you straight?
Never had a girlfriend, sweetie pie.
[GRUNTS] Don't you dare
insinuate such filth!
Now, Christ Almighty is on my side.
How many goddamn times do
I need to fuckin' say it?
[TENSE MUSIC]
Hey, Terry.
We're just wrappin' up here.
I'll be with you in one sec, all right?
God bless.
Praise ♪
♪
Praise ♪
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
[SIGHS, SNIFFLES]
- [PRINTER WHIRRING]
- [SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Yes!
Ah.
Daddy time.
[SNORTS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[WHISTLING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Uh-uh.
♪
Done.
I can feel it ♪
Whoo!
Hey! Yeah. Yeah.
Neil, I'm lovin' your hair.
Hey, sugar. How you doin'?
- How's your dad?
- He all right.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
I just want to say thank
you to all my Prism peeps
for comin' out to support my run
for Top Christ Following Man!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I will not let you down.
I am your advocate!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Please, Kelvin.
Let's party, y'all.
I'm feeling all these
butterflies tonight ♪
I'm only chasing heartthrobs tonight ♪
Whoo!
Quite the turnout for my Top Christ
Following Man congrats luncheon.
My Prism posse is no joke, yo.
Yeah, homey, you're
their little gay avatar.
Damn straight.
Strong leader blazin' a path.
[SCOFFS] Man, there
ain't nothin' straight
or strong about you.
You need to stop
smellin' your own farts.
[LAUGHTER]
[SNIFFS] Mmm, I like how it smells.
Oh, sick.
Yeah, of course you do. Gross.
Even Daddy had to give it up to me.
Okay.
I cannot believe he brought
Miss Lori here today, though.
[SCOFFS]
Did not want to see her
grinnin' face this a.m.
Oh, God, here comes
ol' grinnin' ass now.
Y'all hidin' out over here?
Maybe we just don't want to see no more
senior sexcapades, darlin'.
The slurping of the holes
is burned into our memory,
a scar upon the mind.
Permanent psychological damage.
I am truly sorry that
y'all had to witness that.
And I promise you, next
time, we gon' lock that door.
Our mama never locked us out.
I know this is awkward and embarrassing,
and I know y'all are upset.
But it's me, Lori.
Remember? Y'all like me.
I mean, can't we just
please do a restart?
As the children of
Elijah, our birth father,
we formally reject this union.
Have it be writ into the
record that there'll be no more
peace talks, nor truces.
Yep.
So am I to understand that
this is how it's gonna be?
- BOTH: Yeah.
- This is it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- I guess.
Okay, I think all
y'all little cocksuckers
need to put on your big-boy pants
and get the fuck over it.
I wish you'd put on any pants at all
instead of 69-ing our daddy.
[LAUGHTER]
Miss Lori, we have
refrained from unleashin'
our full power on you 'cause of
your history with this family.
- Yep.
- Oh, okay.
So please, please don't make
us cut loose on your bony ass.
Ooh.
Please don't make us!
[GRUNTING]
- Fuck it.
- Yeah, fuck it.
Oh, this is really quite intimidating.
You know what's sad about this is,
I've just always wanted
to be y'all's friend.
But if you want a
motherfuckin' wicked stepmother,
then I guess I can sure
as hell do that too.
- Stepmother?
- Y'all ain't married.
No, y'all didn't get
married for real, did you?
- Did you?
- Did you?
- Did you guys get married?
- Did you get married?
- Did you guys elope together?
- Answer.
- But did y'all get mar
- I really shouldn't say.
Answer right now.
No, I shouldn't say.
And, you know, I feel like I probably
shouldn't tell you anything
about my personal life
with your daddy.
Did y'all get mar
Bye!
I love you.
- Quit.
- Huh?
- [GASPS]
- Did they get married?
- Look at us.
- [GIGGLES]
A beautiful house, a great relationship,
a giant woman that
do all the dirty work.
- [GIGGLES]
- And I tell you what.
We just gettin' started.
- Now we new money.
- Yeah.
Now it's time to build
that generational wealth.
Close your eyes.
Open them. Look at this right here.
This is my new project.
It's a young adult show about Jesus
being a teenager in Nazareth.
I call it "Teenjus."
Oh, so that's a teen show about Jesus?
Yes.
Baby Billy, that's really good.
I like teen dramas
"Pretty Little Liars," "Gossip Women."
I'd watch "Tanjust."
Ain't no "Tanjust," Sola.
It's teen Jesus "Teenjus."
Over here skimmin'
leaves, eavesdroppin'.
Go inside that house and
watch them sleepin' babies.
Go on!
Get!
[MUTTERING IN GERMAN]
Night night, Sola.
Now, this franchise catches fire,
we talkin' cultural touchstone.
It's gon' take us from
first class to private jets.
Then maybe you can retire.
Retire?
What you talkin' about, retire?
I've spent my whole life
waitin' for these opportunities.
And I'm gon' strike this
iron as hard as I can
while this motherfucker
is red-hot, sweetie.
Lionel and Aimee-Leigh Jr.
Ain't gon' be tiny tots forever.
Even if I don't feed 'em
right, they'll get big.
I don't want you missin' it.
Well, I don't want to either,
but I got to provide now.
I got to set y'all up.
I'm an old man, Tiff.
I don't know how long I got.
Baby Billy, don't talk like that.
You're gonna live forever.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
- Come in here.
- [GIGGLES]
Get in here. Get in here now.
Ah!
[GRUNTS] Damn it.
Oh, my God.
I can't even make a T.
You were tryin' to piss in the tub?
No, I fell in because I'm helpless.
I'm broken.
I'm half a man.
It's okay. I'll get you out of here.
No, it's not okay!
I refuse to sugarcoat this.
Our lives are forever
changed because I couldn't
hit the backspin vault.
BJ, the doctor said with therapy,
you will totally walk again.
They're full of shit!
[SIGHS] Okay, dude. You know what?
I'm tryin' to be sympathetic here,
but it's really hard when
you're bein' a dickhead.
I don't even know who you are right now.
Me either.
Crippled, angry BJ is an
entirely new thing for me.
I can already tell I fuckin' hate him,
but I guess we better get used to him.
Go.
I'm gonna stand up out
of this bathtub on my own.
No, please, let me help you.
No!
Go, Judy!
[SIGHS]
[SOMBER MUSIC]
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GROANING]
- [GROANS]
- [SIGHS]
[YELLS]
Good afternoon, Judy.
Is it? I hadn't noticed.
Do you have a moment?
Let me ask questions too.
Oh.
What do you want?
I just came to drop somethin' off
and to see how you both are doin'.
Oh, guess what, Amber.
We're fuckin' miserable.
I'm so sorry.
But maybe I have somethin'
that'll make it better.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[MONKEY CHITTERING]
[LAUGHS] A fuckin' Monchhichi?
What are we supposed
to do with that, eat it?
No.
This is Dr. Watson.
He's a service animal.
I'm involved in a
charity for disabled vets
that trains capuchin monkeys
to help with simple, everyday tasks.
So we just take it
inside and it just, like,
runs around and shit?
Yeah, maybe it helps lighten the load,
maybe puts a smile on BJ's face.
Yeah, don't count on that happenin'.
But I mean, I guess we
could give it a shot.
What do we do if we don't like him?
- We just throw him out?
- No, I will take it back.
No pressure.
[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
Let's build a tree house out of love ♪
Let's turn the whole
world upside down ♪
Let's build a tree house out of love ♪
Let's build a tree house out of love ♪
Let's kiss and tell and knuckle down ♪
Let's turn the whole
world upside down ♪
It is all comin' together, Keefe.
I'm just happy to see you smilin'
after all you've been through.
A project like this tree house
is exactly what I need.
I'm hugely successful and
havin' a moment right now.
It's no time to be a sad
sack, actin' all depressed.
No matter how big a load
is dropped on your chest,
you rise.
Next Top Christ Following
Man event is coming up.
It's gonna be a live TV
roundtable discussion.
- Wow.
- It's gonna be a great chance
to drop some dank sound bites
and establish myself as a clear fave.
Will you be needing my assistance?
- Doy.
- Doy.
Gonna need a cheerin' section.
Boop.
A section you shall have.
Kelvin, Kelvin, go.
Okay, let's get back to work.
Okay.
[TRANQUIL MUSIC]
♪
Caught you.
Aw. [CHUCKLES] Busted.
[LAUGHS] Sneaky peeks.
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
♪
[SLURPS]
[LAUGHS] [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Daddy issues?
♪
- [SCOFFS]
- Congrats, scumbag.
I hear Daddy's datin'.
You have a new stepmommy.
Nobody got no stepmommy.
Why don't you mind your own
business and eff off, orphan?
No, you eff off, Jesse.
You went too far.
Firebombin' a church
what kind of demon does such a thing?
I'm sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.
But maybe don't put another
mini-mall church there.
Seems like it could
be bad mojo, perhaps.
Damn you.
[CHUCKLES] I have half a mind
to drop a yellow kerchief on you
right here, right now, in this chamber.
[ALL GASP]
What the hell's a yellow kerchief?
Looks like somebody hasn't read
his Cape and Pistol Manual, obviously.
[LAUGHTER]
If I drop a yellow
kerchief on your foot,
it means I'm callin' you a coward.
And the only way you can
prove that you're not a coward
is to duel
pistols.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Boy
I wish you would drop a
yellow hanky on my boot.
I would love an excuse to murder you,
to blow that greasy haircut off
the top of your fuckin' head.
You'd try, but you'd miss.
I'm only gonna tell you
this once, so listen up.
Back up off me, son, if you
know what's good for you.
You're nothing to me.
No, Jesse, I am somethin'
somethin' you are never gonna forget.
New phone. Who dis?
Vance Simkins.
Doesn't ring a bell.
Stop playin' games. You know my name.
You know you know my name.
Does anyone know who
this young woman is?
My name's Vance Simkins, damn it!
Hi, I'm Jesse Gemstone.
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm done playin' these
childish games with you.
I'm way too mature for this.
Who are you?
♪
Got him. [CHUCKLES]
Got him, Daddy. [CHUCKLES]
Smoked him. [LAUGHS]
[WHEELS SQUEAKING]
Psst, psst, psst.
Hey.
Hey, boy.
What?
Come in here.
[SIGHS]
[WHEELS SQUEAKING]
I have a surprise for you.
South Carolina legalized euthanasia?
I get to die?
Beej, come on, dude. Hush on that mess.
Hey, there's tons of wheelchair
people who have great lives.
How about the president
with the cold legs
who does talks by the fireplace?
FDR?
He's dead.
BJ, your problem is not with your legs.
It's with your attitude, doll baby.
I can't even do the simplest stuff.
Well, maybe you need a
special friend who can.
Introducing Dr. Watson.
[BELL RINGING]
[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
A monkey? What's he do?
Whatever you want.
You just call him with that bell
and then say commands to him
and stuff, and he does it.
Like this. Watch.
Hey, Dr. Watson, why don't you go get me
a black cherry White
Claw from the hall fridge?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
There's no way he's
gonna be able to tell
what a White Claw is.
That's not how service
animals work, Judy.
That's insane.
[MONKEY CHITTERING]
[CAN POPS OPEN]
♪
It's Citrus Yuzu Smash,
but it's still fuckin' rad.
[LAUGHS]
♪
As members of Jesse's leadership team,
we have been tasked with
doin' a little diggin'
on one Miss Lori.
We did some look-'em-ups.
We scanned through Miss Lori's socials
and found all sorts of photos of her
with different male figures.
Yes.
On vacation, doin' hugs and laughter.
Harlot.
Hang on, hang on.
Levi, go back to that picture, dude.
Okay, zoom zoom in.
Zoom, zoom, left, left.
Go to 0.3 on the pixelation on that.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Enhance that quadrant.
Little tighter in.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Damn it.
Those earrings are fuckin'
cute, fuckin' bitch.
Wow, Jesse.
I mean, your guys have hit the jackpot.
What a treasure trove.
You know what?
I am too damn successful
to be sittin' here
lookin' at Miss Lori's crab claw dinners
and sundress selfies.
Our presentation is not complete.
Have a little bit of respect, Kelvin,
and sit your damn TT bird down
right now for five seconds.
Yeah, sit, you little twink.
Too damn successful.
These dudes did damn look-'em-ups,
and you're sittin' here
tryin' to go fuckin' walk away?
Well, show us somethin'.
Who the hell is that?
Now, he works at the Benz dealership
where Miss Lori bought her car.
ALL: Big Dick Mitch?
Maybe his dick is big.
I can't tell with
those slacks he has on.
His dick size is uncertain.
But unfortunately, so is his fate.
Big Dick Mitch is a missing person.
Get the fuck out of here.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Not you, Levi.
Levi looked up other
dudes tagged in the photos.
More than a few are either
missing or straight dead.
Drownings, suicides, car accidents.
Is this bitch a black widow?
We need to do some
additional look-'em-ups.
Who else knows Miss Lori?
Who's somebody who
has some real insight?
I don't know who that would be.
"Teenjus" is my young adult show
about Jesus being a
teenager in Nazareth.
Why don't you call it "Teen Jesus"?
"Teenjus" "teen" and "Jesus" mixed.
Yeah, but not mixed in a
way that makes any sense.
You're just takin' the J from "Jesus"
and then skippin' ahead
to the U and the S.
Like, that's not how you combine words.
If you're gonna combine
words, it'd be "Teensus."
- "Teensus."
- No, no.
I don't like that.
Also, it's fuckin'
rude that you're usin'
the whole word of "teen"
but you're gonna shorten "Jesus."
That's our Lord and Savior, homey.
This ain't even up for discussion.
[SNAPS FINGERS] I got it.
Use the J from "Jesus."
You shorten "teen."
You call him Jean.
- Ooh.
- Jean okay, that's better.
Ain't nobody gonna call Jesus Jean.
Now, pull out them pocketbooks
and green-light this.
Look, we ain't here to
be talkin' about pitches
and green lights, all right?
We came here to talk
about life and death.
What you know about Miss Lori?
You want to know about Miss Lori Milsap,
you don't need no AOL
or the World Wide Web.
You need Baby Billy Freeman.
You got some dirt?
Is it juicy?
Could be.
Come in here.
Could be just the thing that
sends Eli into a tailspin.
But I ain't tellin' y'all shit
until you give Baby Billy
Freeman what he wants.
And I got to get the cameras
rollin' on "Teenjus," now.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on, man.
- Oh, my God.
- Fine. Green-lit.
Now, spill it.
Congratulations, another
hit television show.
Yes.
All right, come in here.
Now, Miss Lori, now,
see, she reached out to me
about bein' a part of Aimee-Leigh's
birthday celebration telethon,
sayin' she didn't have no money,
that she's broke and
in debt, needed a gig.
Practically cryin' on the phone.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Well, I threw her a bone
as a favor to your mama.
But
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Come on in.
It sure is interestin',
though, ain't it?
Seein' as how she wound up in
the arms of your rich-ass daddy.
Sure does solve them
money problems, don't it?
♪
[MONKEY CHIRPS]
Oh, I forgot the bread.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
Go get the multigrain bread
from the counter, Dr. Watson.
[MONKEY CHITTERS]
♪
[MONKEY CHITTERING]
♪
Now return the multigrain to
its proper place, Dr. Watson.
[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
♪
Now, y'all say stuff.
Don't just make me be
the only one crushing him.
You guys do stuff to crush him too.
We already said we were gonna say stuff.
- Hey.
- As-salaam alaikum.
Is that Daddy or Samuel L. Jackson?
[LAUGHTER]
Nice hat.
Lookin' like a fashion victim, Daddy.
Is she dressin' you now?
That's gross, dude.
You're pussy-whipped.
[MIMICS WHIP CRACKING]
Kids, this has this
has gone on too long.
You better brace yourself
because unfortunately,
we have some intel on your lady friend.
Mm-hmm, and you are not gonna like it.
Oh, good grief.
If you're gonna bad-mouth Lori, save it.
She's a possible serial killer, Daddy.
[LAUGHS]
Like, a bunch of her boyfriends
are either dead, missing,
murdered, or gone.
- Big Dick Mitch
- Heard of him?
He clocked out of work
at the Benz dealership
and walked off the face
of the fuckin' Earth.
He's disappeared, Daddy.
Big Dick Mitch, nowhere to be found.
This is ridiculous.
She's also in debt up to her eyeballs.
Miss Lori is a poverty person.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
- She's poor. [LAUGHS]
I'm sorry to be the one to
have to share that news, Daddy.
Finally see what she sees in Daddy.
She's usin' you for your money, honey.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
She's tryin' to black
widow that ass, Daddy.
It's obvious.
She's attempting to make you
a "Dateline" episode, son.
That's all this ever was.
God damn it.
You kids need to grow up!
The lies, the shit attitudes,
the manipulations
enough!
Why don't you just go ahead
and get killed for your money, then.
See if I care. I don't
care. Just go do that, then.
- That's so stupid.
- I don't care, Daddy.
I won't sit here and
listen to you trash Lori
because you're too immature to realize
that Mama ain't comin' back.
She's not.
And I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna spend
what's left of my life
feelin' sad about it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Yo, Slick Rick, you tryin'
to take her side over ours?
Yeah, playboy.
Choose a side.
Us or her?
What's it gonna be?
Why'd you have to back him
into a choice like that, Jesse?
That was so fuckin' stupid!
Kelvin's the one who teed him up.
- I didn't tee him up.
- Buzz off.
I have bigger things to
do than bickerin' with
my underachievin' older bro
and my unsexy nurse sister.
You better watch your
fuckin' mouth, Corky.
I'm a very sexy nurse sister.
[SCOFFS] What the hell's
wrong with you lately?
Actin' like a certified bitch.
Y'all just salty that I've lapped you
in both achievement and prestige.
- [SCOFFS]
- My work with Prism
more relevant than anything you two do.
That's right.
I'm makin' headlines.
I'm makin' myself look
like a fool, y'all.
[CHUCKLES]
You're just actin' like a goddamn clown.
Self-absorbed everyone sees it.
Clowns don't get nominated
for Top Christ Following Man, dummy.
Too bad that's a total sham.
I've never seen a more
blatant example of tokenism.
Tokenism?
You a flavor of the month, son.
Your shit ain't real.
You ain't a Top Christ Following Man,
and you know it.
[LAUGHS]
How dare you?
You know why they gave it to you.
You know why.
San Francisco.
- That's rich.
- [SCOFFS]
You're a loser, Jesse.
Why don't you go cry in a Prayer Pod?
You fail at everything.
Your kids don't even
like you zero respect.
It's sad.
Damn, Kelvin, show some restraint.
And you
Daddy doesn't even think about you.
Why waste the time?
We'd all be happiest if you just married
some powerful asshole
and become their problem.
Instead you married a
pole-dancing cripple.
Now both of you are our problem.
♪
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Sorry.
I'm just speakin' my truth.
Well, I was just makin' a joke.
This was just flapping
hair to do a joke.
And you said stuff
that's hurtful for real.
- No, you meant it.
- I said a city, Kelvin.
That's all I did.
What's gonna happen if I say Fort Worth?
You gonna fuckin' stab me?
Hope you feel good about yourself.
I do feel good about myself.
BOTH: Good.
- Good.
- Good.
Good.
♪
[CHUCKLES] You're funny.
Oh!
[LAUGHS] You're such a gentleman.
- I try.
- [LAUGHS]
Well, it's no Gemstone
compound, but it's home.
Hey!
Mama said y'all were comin'.
Yeah, I figured it'd be best
to give everybody a little space.
Say no more.
I just popped by to drop
you guys off some dinner.
- A little Kung Pao Dynasty.
- Ooh.
I also left your edibles
by the microwave, Mama.
What's that? Edibles?
Darlin', they're like gummy bears,
except with marijuana in 'em.
Yeah, you're gonna like it.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you for the treats, baby.
Have fun, you two.
- Good to see you, Core.
- [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]
I'm gonna get me a gummy.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I sure am.
[BIRD SCREECHES]
[DONKEY BRAYS]
The kids in the village
will never give me
a fair shot, Johnny B.
Of course not, Teenjus.
They think you're you're nothing more
than a carpenter's son.
You know, if I win the
village dance contest,
there's no way I won't be accepted.
Through my moves and swagger,
I'll show them I am the chosen one.
Keep movin', you dirty Nazarenes.
Always up to mischief, are you, Teenjus?
When you finally gonna
get your act together?
You're late for class.
Teenjus. Teenjus!
Give me some more smolder, now.
You hate this Roman soldier.
You want to rip his fuckin' face off.
But you can't, now,
'cause you're Teenjus.
So just be conflicted, now.
Now, turn around and think
to yourself, fuck him!
And walk off slowly.
'Cause you don't want
to fuck with a Roman
'cause they will crucify you.
[DONKEY BRAYING]
Somebody get that donkey in focus.
Yes. And cut!
Work that mother,
work it to the bone ♪
If you're funky and you know it ♪
Throw dem hands up and show it ♪
If you're funky and you know it ♪
Throw dem hands up and show it ♪
If you're funky and you know it ♪
Throw dem hands up and show it ♪
And show it, and
show it, and show it ♪
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]
[GRACEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, and welcome
to the Top Christ
Following Man roundtable.
With me are nominees Vance Simkins,
Adam Kelly, Forrest
Gill, Kelvin Gemstone,
and Reggie Daniels.
What's up, what's up, playas?
Stay blessed, y'all.
Tonight we will discuss
an array of complex issues
facing Christians today.
So as King Solomon said,
let's get the ball rollin'.
[LAUGHS] King Solomon.
Gentlemen, first question.
Should children be taught
a comprehensive overview
of all major religions at school?
[MIMICS BUZZER] Yes.
I I want this one.
Okay, kids are my specialty.
You see, children are the future.
You can mold them any
which way you want.
What I teach my discipes
sorry, that's what I call my flock,
discipes instead of disciples.
I teach them everything
cool about Jesus.
You see, the Bible can be confusing,
so we translate it for
modern, cutting-edge times.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I certainly don't want to hurt anybody
or put a damper on
the evening, but, uh
God is tellin' me I gotta
speak up on this issue.
- Oh.
- You see, I follow Scripture.
- Mm.
- That's my thing.
Okay.
And I believe all of us
should follow the Scripture.
Of course.
What Kelvin here preaches,
it's not Scripture.
Kelvin, how do you respond?
Well, Prism is the Bible,
just through a different light.
Oh, brand shout-out.
Whoop, whoop!
Whoop, whoop!
But I already like the light it's in.
I don't need a different light.
You see, as a Christian, I
have love for everyone, okay?
But a homosexual bein' included here,
something's not right.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Amen.
Well, I mean, that's
just your opinion, so
Excuse me. I'm I'm still speaking.
Sadly, your nomination
means that this great honor
has strayed from its core values
to now bein' more about
just checkin' off a box.
Now, I know you get
a room full of people,
and you'll get a room full of opinions.
But God's word is clear on this issue.
Pastor Gemstone, any response?
Um, um
Uh, uh. [LAUGHS]
Cat got your tongue, didn't it?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I mean, that's there's lots
of parts of the Bible that are outdated.
But, like, also, it talks
about not eating shellfish.
I've avoided shellfish
for that very reason.
But by all means, if you think you got
more wisdom than the Bible
[CHORTLES]
Good luck to you, sir.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
[SIGHS]
[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
BJ, what is this? How did you
I'm sorry I've been using
you as a punching bag.
It's not right.
[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
♪
Thank you, Dr. Watson.
Can you also bring us some sparkling?
[MONKEY SQUEAKS]
Glad to see you and Dr. Watson
gettin' along so well.
He really has helped.
He's given me somethin' else to focus on
other than my anger and
questions of "why me?"
BJ, maybe God was testin'
us with what he did to you.
Maybe he's testin' our faith in him
and our faith in each other.
You really think so?
Maybe.
I mean, you know any test
we face, we fuckin' ace.
Especially now that
my Daddy has desecrated
his relationship to Mama,
we're the best couple in
this whole fuckin' family.
I love you, Judy.
♪
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS, SHRIEKS]
Ow! Ow!
You want to do another gummy?
Ow!
[GIGGLING] If I do another one,
I'll be in outer space.
[LAUGHTER]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
- [SCREAMING]
- Get down.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Eli, there's somethin'
I haven't been straight with you about.
What are you talkin' about?
Me and you need to
have a talk about my ex.
[TERRI GIBBS', "SOMEBODY'S KNOCKIN'"]
♪
Somebody's knockin' ♪
Should I let him in ♪
Lord, it's the devil ♪
Would you look at him ♪
I've heard about him,
but I never dreamed ♪
He'd have blue eyes and blue jeans ♪
♪
Well, somebody's talkin' ♪
He's whisperin' to me ♪
Your place or my place ♪
Well, which will it be ♪
I'm gettin' weaker and
he's comin' on strong ♪
But I don't want to go wrong ♪
♪
He must have tapped
my telephone line ♪
He must have known I'm
spendin' my time alone ♪
♪
He says we'll have
one heavenly night ♪
My fever's burnin', so he
ought to be right at home ♪
♪
Somebody's knockin' ♪
♪
[BRIGHT TONE]