The Simple Life (2003) s04e05 Episode Script

-Hi.
-Hi.
How are you? -This is your humble abode? -Yes.
NARRA TOR: Paris has fans everywhere.
And to cater to them all, she does interviews almost every day.
I'm cold.
And today is no exception.
Now, this is for Out magazine, which is the magazine of the gays.
I think they like you now 'cause you're the new icon.
-Nothing can knock you down.
-Mmm-hmm.
No matter what happens to you, you get bigger and better.
-Are you ahag? -Yeah.
(LAUGHlNG) A lot of my friends are.
I just think they're more fun, and they dress better, and they're usually hotter.
NARRA TOR: As Paris gets down with Out magazine, her old friend Nicole stops by the Ryan Seacrest morning show to set the record straight.
Nicole Richie and dogs have joined us.
(PEOPLE CHEERlNG) All right, let's start with everything that's going on in your world.
Are you seeing anybody? I've actually turned to women at this point, but that's just between you and l.
So don't tell anyone.
(WOMEN LAUGHlNG) No wonder you and Paris aren't talking anymore.
-I know.
-It's a love spat.
Yeah, I made a pass at her, she wasn't into it, and now she hates me.
PARlS: Where the hell are we? NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole still have plenty to learn about making relationships last.
This week, they're off to visit a family of four, two daughters (DOORBELL RlNGS) All right.
and two moms.
(LAUGHlNG) Hi, I'm Janet.
Nice to meet you.
Let's go in that room.
This is Megan, -and Kaitlin.
-Hi, Kaitlin.
How are you? -NlCOLE: Cool hair.
-Thank you.
KA TE: We are three generations of women.
We're a strong, loving family.
And we're not traditional in a lot of ways.
KATE: I understand you want to be a mom? Yeah, someday.
And you want to learn about teenagers today? -Yeah.
-Cool.
-How old are they? -Seventeen and 14.
The hardest thing about taking care of these teenagers is you have to summons every ounce of patience you have.
-How long have you guys been together? -A little over three years.
Janet just moved in eight months ago.
She's a very positive influence in my life, and I'm very blessed.
We have a list of things that we're hoping you can motivate them.
Number one, the clean room.
You weren't like that at 14, I'm sure.
-Never.
-Yeah.
Absolutely not.
-I've never been like that.
-Yeah.
Good.
So you ought to have fun with that.
Clean out the refrigerator means wipe down the inside.
You know, there's some gooey stuff -that's been spilled three weeks ago.
-Never.
No way.
That's disgusting.
And maybe you can give them some responsible dating tips.
Like, don't let a guyin the first hour? I hope they will take raising our teenagers seriously, and abide by the rules that we have set up for the house.
That I won't do.
That I really won't do.
That I won't do.
I'm a little worried they'll blow it off.
Oh, man.
All right, it's cool.
(LAUGHlNG) NlCOLE: How long have your moms been together? Four years.
Do you call one of them Mom and one of them Dad? -No.
-No.
Did they have a romantic wedding? No, they never had a wedding.
-They never had a wedding? -No.
-Ever? -Ever.
-Are they sad about it? -I don't know, probably.
I feel like between the three of us, we could set up a wedding for them.
-lt would make them really happy.
-lt would.
-Yeah.
-lt would be great.
I think that I could do a way better wedding.
I'm good at it.
Have you planned a wedding? -I started planning my wedding, yeah.
-How did that go? Uh To be continued.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) NARRA TOR: With the family's blessings, The Simple Life battle ofthe weddings is on.
I can definitely pull together a last-minute wedding.
People get married in Vegas all the time, last minute.
NARRA TOR: Nicole wants the ceremony to be a big surprise.
But Paris decides to plan everything with the brides.
And to get them altar-ready, Paris takes them out for some skin-scrubbing TLC.
So I brought you bitches here because everyone in Beverly Hills comes here, -and it's the best place.
-Sweet.
-Hello.
Hi.
-KATE: Hello.
Welcome to American Laser Centers.
I'm going to introduce you to Mai.
She's our registered nurse here at American Laser Centers.
She'll tell you a little bit about sun damage, okay? -Hi, ladies.
-Hi.
I'm Mai.
I'm a registered nurse.
One of the worst things you can do is expose your skin to the sun without protection.
I never wear sunscreen, ever.
Ten years from now, you're going to see the effects of that.
Brown spots.
(EXCLAlMS) (GROANS) And wrinkles.
I'm going to cry.
What I'm going to do and what our center does, is treatments on the face.
We do microdermabrasions, we do photo facials, and that kind of helps reverse the effects of the sun damage.
-KATE: Right.
-Okay.
-MAl: Are you ladies ready? -Good luck.
Thank you.
I'm really good at planning.
And you guys know what they like.
Where can we have it? What do they like to do? They play pool a lot.
We can maybe have it at a pool bar.
Let's call.
-MAN: Hello.
-Hi.
I'm calling because I wanted to book a party there tonight.
-Do you guys make ice sculptures? -No.
-Do you guys have any priests or rabbis? -No.
-Do you guys have a piano player? -Actually, this is a pool hall.
Yeah, I know.
Do you guys have room for a 40-piece live band? Actually, I'm not the one to talk with you about this.
-Who is? -The manager that works here.
Where is themanager? -PARlS: Feel good? -I am so aroused.
(LAUGHlNG) -Loves that.
Perfect.
-Ready to go? -Here's an umbrella.
-My skin! I don't want any brown spots! -MAN: Hello.
-Hi.
Is this the manager? -I'm the owner.
-Oh.
I want to throw a wedding there tonight.
-You want to throw a wedding here? -Yeah.
I don 't know ifl could have a wedding here.
-Why? These people love pool.
-No.
I don 't have time for this.
Well, I'm just going to come there and throw a wedding, okay? (DlAL TONE) All right, so I think I found a really good location.
And they seem really excited to have you guys there.
Okay.
PARlS: Girls, will you help me? I have some bands coming, and I want to help pick it out for the wedding.
Could you play a song that would be most appropriate -for a lesbian wedding? -All right, we will.
(LOUD ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG) (MEXlCAN MUSlC PLAYlNG) (SlNGlNG) -PARlS: Yes.
-That was beautiful.
You know, I usually don't like that kind of music, but I actually liked it.
-I thought it was romantic.
-It's romantic.
I liked the strings a lot.
So this wedding should be women only since they are women.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
So who are some of your parents' friends? They only have three friends, and one's your grandma? (GlRLS CHUCKLlNG) Yeah.
I don't know their friends.
-Let's get the guest list ready.
-Yep.
You want bikers? -Bikers? -Bikers.
That's hot.
They have no other friends? They have two lesbian friends.
I don't know what their names are.
We don't know what their names are.
So just call them Lezzie and Leslie.
(LAUGHlNG) Who else? I'm sure they have a lot more friends than we know of, though.
We could find some friends.
Let's invite your neighbors.
-They don't like us.
-They don't like us.
We don't really Our neighbors don't We don't really talk to them NlCOLE: Well, I'm sure if we tell them there's a wedding, you know? (DOORBELL RlNGS) -NlCOLE: How are you? -Nicole! How are you? -Good to see you.
-Hi, everybody.
(GlRLS LAUGHlNG) Their mom is going to get married tonight.
-I'm going to throw her a wedding.
-Oh, really? So I wanted to know if you wanted to come.
Sure.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) Their mom is getting married tonight, and we wanted to know if you boys wanted to come.
Oh, there's one catch.
You have to dress up like a woman.
NARRA TOR: Not everyone in the Bowdens ' neighborhood is quite ready for the type ofinvitation Nicole is offering.
-Hello? -WOMAN: Hi.
Hi.
I just wanted to invite you to a wedding.
-A wedding? -Yeah.
-Who's getting married? -Their mom.
-To a woman? -Yeah.
(WOMAN LAUGHlNG HYSTERlCALLY) How is that funny? -I believe in God.
-Yeah? So does she.
-I don't -So maybe she doesn't want to come.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) So I know of one guy that would just love to be at a lesbian wedding.
-WOMAN: White House.
-Hi.
Is Georgie there? -WOMAN: White House.
-Hi.
Is Georgie there? He doesn 't take calls from anyone.
Well, I just wanted to invite him to my friends' moms' lesbian wedding.
Oh, when he wakes up from his nap, will you have him call me, please? Thanks, gorgeous.
Bye.
I think he's going to come.
We'll save a seat for him.
-Okay.
-Okay.
PARlS: All right, so what kind of dresses do you guys like? Ones that fit.
It's hard to tell without seeing it on somebody.
-I'll be right back.
-Okay.
-ls this for us? -Very nice.
-You've been practicing.
-Yeah.
-I do this for a living.
-It's beautiful.
-Very nice.
-See? She does have nice legs.
NARRA TOR: While Paris gets the brides ' seal of approval, Nicole still wants to keep her ceremony a surprise.
Do you have anything that's really skimpy? Yeah.
Something like this? But it's got a strap, so it's comfortable.
Do you have anything that's up to there? No, unfortunately.
I'm sorry.
-Do you like that dress? -Yeah.
I like that one a lot.
It's really pretty.
And how are we going to be paying for this today? You can put my dad's name.
He'll pay for it.
-What's his name? -Lionel.
(CHUCKLES) -KATE: Oh.
Now, I like that one.
-Oh, that's beautiful.
-I like the halter.
Very pretty.
-That's pretty.
(CLEARS THROAT) Works for me.
Turn around.
Wow! Yeah.
It's got a long trail on it.
I feel like a frilly freak.
NARRA TOR: While Paris proudly displays the possibilities, Nicole presents her surprise picks.
-Oh, my.
-Oh, my goodness.
-This is yours.
-Okay.
-I'm so excited.
-Oh, it's gorgeous.
-Jan, this is yours.
-Oh, my.
Oh, you're going to look so beautiful.
-(SOBBlNG) It's beautiful.
-NlCOLE: Do you love it? -Do you love it? -Yeah, I do.
-You're going to be gorgeous.
-Thank you so much.
-Oh, my goodness.
-Oh, it's beautiful.
-Yay! -KATE: A little peek.
-lt might be a little -Yeah, Kitten's going to start pinning.
What do you think? We could get you breast implants.
-Come in.
-You look beautiful.
Yeah.
I think I need six more inches of material.
So I've shown you guys a couple of different looks.
So I think now, if you just go through the rack and see what you think looks best on you.
-Do you like it? -Yeah.
It'shot.
-Did you find everything you need? -Yes.
Is there anything else I can help you with today? Yeah, actually, there is.
We're in a total time crunch.
Here's just a little list.
Balloons, 150 white chairs, a giant wedding cake, a lesbian minister, two white horses, (HORSE NElGHlNG) roses, irises, tulips, orange blossoms, pink rose petals, and a guest book and a pen.
Okay.
And you want all that for tonight? This whole list? Yes.
-Hi.
I need a wedding cake.
-A wedding cake? It's for two lesbians, so I was thinking of maybe a cake that's shaped like a vagina? -I don't know if we can do that.
-Yeah.
That's a little bit Yeah, it's a little bit vulgar.
We don't really have sexual cakes.
Can you guys take one little cake and another little cake, and smush them together so they look like boobs? -So this is the minister I hired for tonight.
-KATE: Oh, great.
-Hi, I'm Reverend Pat.
-I'm Kate.
-Hi, Kate.
-I'm Janet.
-Nice to meet you.
-Hi, Janet.
Good to meet you.
Is there anything for tonight you really want to make sure that I touch on? Just that, you know, a lot of people in my life that surround me question the fact about my commitment to Kate as opposed to my ability to believe in God.
You know, it has to be one or the other.
And I don't believe that.
In my opinion, in the beginning, God created love.
I need a minister to marry this couple.
They're a lesbian couple.
Okay, they cannot legally be married in California.
But you can do a commitment service for them.
Have you ever thought about doing a service yourself? Becoming ordained? So I want to personalize your vows.
Okay.
So let's name a few things that you love about Jan.
-Beautiful blue eyes.
-What about her elbows? -Elbows.
-Are they soft and wrinkly? I don't know that I've noticed.
I think they're soft.
Janet.
Soft and wrinkly.
All right, so what's special to you about her? She's very warm and loving.
And she's just like a shining star.
(LAUGHlNG) -That's so nice.
-I just I love her.
Let's write things you love about me.
NlCOLE: Well, I'm going to leave and get things ready.
I just have some prepping to do.
So I will see you there.
NARRA TOR: The race to the altar has begun.
With minutes to go, Paris and Nicole put the final touches on their idea of a dream wedding.
All right, people, I'm in charge.
Can everyone please line up over here? Your tie.
I need to fix this.
Hot.
Catering? Hey, everybody.
-These are the rosemary potatoes.
-I'll try that.
Mmm-hmm That's probably the wrong dressing for this.
(ROCK MUSlC PLA YlNG) -Hi, girls.
How are you? -Hey.
How you doing? When the brides come, can you guys position your pool sticks, so each person has someone standing across from them? Yeah, that's perfect.
The flowers look great.
-Thank you.
-It's exactly what we wanted.
So you boys will be bringing out the cake, wearing just these tonight.
We have 15 minutes, people.
There's fingerprints on these.
I just want to make sure that the cake is coming.
The next group of 10, please.
Are you with the bride or the bride? The bride.
You guys can go over there, please.
Thank you.
NARRA TOR: With a lot ofhustle, Paris and Nicole wrap up the wedding prep just in time to make Kate and Janet's dreams come true.
Hit it, Bobby.
(SlNGlNG GOSPEL SONG) (BRlDAL MARCH PLAYlNG) Welcome this evening, friends.
As we begin this night, I have a special thank-you to you Paris.
You are honoring millions of people who don't have the ability to publicly come out and say, "l do.
" When I look at you guys together, always so in love in your eyes, it's really beautiful and I'm really happy, and I think you guys are going to have a really great life together.
Thank you.
Welcome, everyone.
I'm Nicole Richie.
And I'm very proud to preside over the union of two beautiful bitches I just met, Kate and Janet.
-Kate? -Yes.
"Janet, you are my rock, you are my strength, "and you've got great boobs.
(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG) "l love you, you silly, sexy bitch.
" -That was pretty powerful.
Yeah.
-You like that? I like it.
Okay, Janet.
"My dearest Kate.
"You are my shining star.
"And I love your sparkling eyes, your effervescent smile, "your fantastic ass.
" (PEOPLE LAUGHlNG) Now is the time for you to exchange the symbols of your love.
Paris, did you have the rings? Hold on a second.
Paris, did you have the rings? Oops, sorry.
NARRA TOR: It took some work, but Paris has put together a beautiful ceremony for Kate and Janet.
May I have the rings, please? Thank you.
NARRA TOR: Nicole tried her own style, and let's just say it was different.
"By the power invested in me by the Universal Life Church, "l now pronounce you woman to woman.
" By the power invested in me by God, and what I believe are the future laws -of this country -Amen.
I now pronounce you wife and wife.
-You may kiss.
-You may kiss each other.
(PEOPLE CHEERlNG) PAT: That's enough, ladies.
WOMAN: Get a room! (GOSPEL MUSlC PLAYlNG) KA TE: Nicole's wedding, it was cool, and we had a really great time, but Paris did the best wedding.
-The reason is -lt was more grown up.
she listened to what we wanted, and what we needed, and she listened to our hearts.
And bottom line, we're classy broads.
So you know what? Paris is right there.
(PEOPLE CHEERlNG) Oh, my God.
I just wanted to say that I had the best time, and I want to say good night, and that I hope that you guys have the best life together.
-Thank you so much for coming.
-I had so much fun.
It was great.
Thank you so much.
And if you guys decide to get divorced, I have a license for that, too.
-And for good luck -Yes.
-And you have to suck it off.
-Absolutely.
(ALL CHEERlNG) (ALL CHEERlNG) (CRYlNG) NARRATOR: Next on The Simple Life.
The lesson for the day is learning how to take care of a toddler.
Here, Sean.
This is so gross.
Here, take it.
I'm going to throw up.
(EXCLAlMS) You crapped in the bath? I threw Sean a birthday party.
I don't know about this.