The Simpsons s04e05 Episode Script

[Somber.]
Good evening.
I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.
You see, there are some crybabies out there-- religious types mostly-- who might be offended.
If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now.
Come on.
I dare ya.
[ Clucking .]
Chicken.
- Hey.
- [Footsteps.]
[Marge.]
Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken'"? [Homer.]
No.
I swear on this Bible.
That's not a Bible.
That's a book of carpet samples.
Ooh, fuzzy.
[Thunderclap.]
[Sinister Laugh.]
[Woman Screams.]
[ Maggie Sucking .]
[Chattering.]
Behold mighty Caesar in all his glory! [ All Laughing .]
D'oh! I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry.
No kiddin'.
[ Groaning .]
Stupid party.
Wish we was trick-or-treating.
Now, Bart, you can find just as much horror around the house.
Now, you children may not know it but there was once an evil witch and she died a horrible death.
- These are her eyes.
- [Children.]
Eww! And this is her hair.
- [Children.]
Eww! - And these are her brains.
Eww! Yo, Mom.
We haven't got the eyeballs yet.
Homer, you're ruining it.
Yeah, well, it was an evil game.
Well, now we need another Halloween activity.
Hmm.
Does anyone know a ghost story? I do.
It's a story Of a boy and his doll.
- That's not so scary.
- A doll from hell! - I'm gonna go to the store.
- [ Sinister Laugh .]
[Grampa.]
Happy birthday, Bart.
Thanks, Grampa.
- Where'd you get all the money? - The government.
I didn't earn it.
I don't need it.
But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell! Hey, Homer, where's your present? D'oh! I mean, don't worry, son.
I forgot to get you a present.
But I swear on my father's grave-- - Hey! - I will get you one now.
- [Door Opens.]
- [Tires Squeal.]
[Floor Creaking.]
Do you sell toys? We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread.
We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt.
Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
Uh, perhaps this will please the gentleman.
[Heart Beating.]
Take this object.
But beware-- it carries a terrible curse.
- Ooh, that's bad.
- But it comes with a free frogurt.
- That's good.
- The frogurt is also cursed.
- That's bad.
- But you get your choice of topping.
- That's good! - The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
- That's bad.
- Can I go now? [ Cheering .]
-[Thud, Groan.]
- Happy birthday, son.
Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll! I'm Krusty the Clown, and I love you very much.
Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had.
That doll is evil, I tells ya.
Evil! E-E-Evil! Grampa, you said that about all the presents.
I just want attention.
[ Man On TV.]
And in environmental news scientists have announced that Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.
Whoo-hoo! I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you.
[ Laughs .]
I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you.
[ Chuckles .]
Didn't even pull the string that time.
I said I'm going to kill you.
You, Homer Simpson.
Oh, yeah? With what? - Aah! - [ Screams .]
Homer, what's wrong? [ Whimpering .]
That doll tried to kill me.
I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure? Don't leave me alone with him.
[ Sinister Laugh .]
[ Sinister Laugh Continues .]
[ Singing .]
- [ Screams .]
- [Doll.]
Scram! [ Screaming .]
There goes the last lingering thread Of my heterosexuality.
Hey, baby, get comfortable.
Relax.
It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit, don't you think? [Foot steps Approaching.]
[ Grunts .]
You think your dirty socks can stop me? Well, they are making me dizzy.
[Groans.]
- [Wolf Howls.]
- [Footsteps.]
Good-bye, dolly.
Arrivederci, Vito.
I was a fool to think anyone would want Nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg.
What the-- - [Tires Skid.]
- And that is that.
[ Groans, Grunts .]
- [Rustling.]
- Guess who, fat boy! - Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me.
[ Gurgling .]
Eww! Dog water.
[Touch-tones Beeping.]
- [ Line Ringing .]
- Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes, I'll hold.
[ Man Singing On Phone .]
[ Homer Groaning .]
Yep, here's your problem.
Someone set this thing to "evil.
" - I love you, Homer.
- Come here, you! [Straining.]
- Here you go, buddy.
- Did you walk the dog? Yeah, he buried me a couple of times.
Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk.
Yeah, you stupid idiot.
Oh, what a day.
Homer made me give him a sponge bath.
[ Shudders .]
But coming home to you makes it all worthwhile.
[ Kisses, Chuckles .]
Here, let me get that for you.
[Up-tempo.]
So then his wife comes through the door! - So? - Did I mention she was dead? - No.
- Well, she was.
And she hit him in the head with a golf club.
- And? - Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her.
- You said he went bowling.
- D'oh! Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that.
Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.
That's a lie, and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies.
My name is Marge Bouvier.
I'm here about your ad.
"Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition.
Must like monkeys.
Nonsmoker preferred.
" Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.
- Arr!Arr!Arr! - Arr!Arr!Arr! - What do you think, Smithers? - I think women and seamen don't mix.
We know what you think.
Young lady, you're hired.
[ Sinister Laugh .]
Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island.
Yeah, to capture a giant ape.
I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Candy Apple Island? What do they got there? Apes, but they're not so big.
[Chanting.]
Homer! Homer! Homer! Hey, who's this Homer dude? He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island Jaycees.
- Either way, we're going ashore.
- Am I going too? Of course.
We wouldn't think Of going without the bait.
Uh, that is, the bait-thing beauty.
The bathing beauty.
[ Chuckles .]
I covered that up pretty well.
- [Chanting Continues.]
Homer!Homer!Homer! - [Drums Beating.]
Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! [Mr.
Burns.]
Just try to remain inconspicuous.
[ Speaking Native Language .]
- What's he saying? - Uh, he's saying, uh we wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired woman.
Oh, well, isn't that-- Whoa! - Mm-hmm.
- [ Screaming .]
[ King Homer Grunting .]
- [ Gongs .]
- Huh? D'oh! [Echoing.]
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! [ Screaming .]
[ Screaming .]
Smithers, this is a golden opportunity.
If we get him alive, we can put him on Broadway.
Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the army.
[ Chuckles .]
Ooh! Keep your hands To yourself, mister.
[ Sniffs, Trills .]
- [ Giggles .]
- [Mr.
Burns.]
Now we don't want to kill him.
Shoot him around The groin and belly.
- [ Roars .]
- [ Gunfire .]
[ Roaring .]
Hey, Homer, cut it out.
Come on, quit eating me.
Ow! Nice shot, Carl.
No! No! [ Gulps, Burps .]
All right, you big ape.
Get a snoot full of this gas bomb.
[ Shudders .]
[ Singing .]
[ Roars, Whimpering .]
[ Yawns .]
[ Snoring .]
Nice work, Smithers.
When we get back, I'm giving you a raise.
- [ Gulps, Snoring .]
- Oh, well.
[Broadway.]
- [Applause.]
- [ Roars .]
What kind of show you got for us, Mr.
Burns? Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so.
Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy Of Dugan and Dershowitz.
Sensational! - [Drumroll.]
- Ladies and gentlemen in his native land, he was a king.
But he comes before you in chains For your own amusement.
Presenting Homer-- the Eighth Wonder of the World! [ Audience Gasps .]
Wow! Look at the size Of that platform! [ Grunting .]
I think you're making him angry.
Come on.
What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield? - [ Roars .]
- [Audience Clamoring.]
- [ Screams .]
- [ Grunting .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Roars .]
Hey, monkey, you want a peanut? I said one! [ Grunting .]
[ Singing .]
- [Roars.]
- [ Screaming .]
[ Girl Yelling, Indistinct .]
[Car Horn Honking.]
I'm dreading the reviews.
I can tell you that.
Oh, hi, Homie.
[ Screaming .]
[ Grunting .]
Oh! - He's sure taking his sweet time.
- Better refuel.
[ Grunting .]
You know, you look a little flushed.
Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people.
Uh-huh.
[ Panting .]
[ Yells .]
[ Groaning .]
He's not dead! No, but his career is.
I remember when Al Jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler Building.
After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town.
[ Moaning .]
Don't worry, Homie.
I'll take care of you.
[Organ.]
Are you with the bride or groom? [ Chittering .]
Right this way.
[ Scratching .]
Folks, if you could just stop cleaning each other for a second.
Wait.
Wait, Marge.
I can't find your father.
[ Crunching, Slurps, Burps .]
Oh, Homer.
[Up-tempo.]
Now, kids, instead of candy I thought I'd serve an array of healthy fresh fruits.
[ Kids Grumbling .]
Fruit is nature's candy.
[Grumbling Continues.]
- Whoa! - [ Moaning .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Chuckling .]
Hey, hi, fellow Halloweenies.
Did I scaredely-dareya? [ Yelling, Groaning .]
Dag-- darn it! Nice try, Mr.
Flanders, but I've got a story so scary -you'll wet your pants.
- Too late.
From "A" apple to "Z" zebra Baby's First Pop-up Book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure.
Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers? - Well, most of it.
- You have to read another book.
"Find Waldo Yet Again.
'" Man, he's just not trying anymore.
Gee, never noticed that before.
[ Footsteps Echoing .]
[ Rats Squeaking .]
Ow! What's this? - Evil! - Evil! - Madness.
- Beware! - Beware! - Cool! - [Voices In Book.]
Ow! Ow! Ow! [ Sighs .]
"Chapter Eight: Let's Talk Zombies.
"If a zombie bites you, you become a zombie.
You must walk the earth, feeding on the brains Of the living until the spell is broken.
" Bart, please.
Don't you remember that Snowball I died four years ago tonight? Run over by the mayor's beer-swilling brother, Clovis.
Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that'll bring her back from the dead.
Let's see what we've got.
"How To Get Your Skeletons Their Whitest.
Selling Your Soul In A Buyer's Market.
" Ah, here we are.
"How To Raise The Dead.
" [ Sinister Laugh .]
[ Clanging .]
[ Creaking .]
[Wind Whistling.]
"Cullen.
Rayburn.
Narz.
Trebek.
" "Zabar, Kresge, Caldor, Wal-Mart!" [ Wailing .]
It's not working.
[ Sighs .]
Bart, you cast the wrong spell.
Zombies! Please, Lise, they prefer to be called "the living impaired.
" [ Scraping .]
There! Pretty as a picture.
- [ Growling .]
- Ach! Zombies! There! Pretty as a picture.
[ Both Panting .]
[ Zombies Wailing .]
Well, howdy, strangers.
What can I do ya for? [ Zombies .]
Brains.
Brains.
Why, Sue Dokes, you rascal.
I thought you were dead and-- - [Ned Screams.]
- [ Crunching .]
Dad, we did something very bad! - Did you wreck the car? - No.
- Did you raise the dead? - Yes! - But the car's okay? - Uh-huh.
All right, then.
[ Crunching .]
Martin Prince, report to my office at once.
And bring that big, juicy, chess club brain of yours along with you.
[ Smacking Lips .]
Mmm.
[ Whimpering .]
Hey, kids, look what you can win in the Krusty Sweepstakes.
- [ Wailing .]
- [ Screams .]
[Upbeat.]
To enter, send me your parents' brains or write "Parents' Brains" on a three-by-five card and send it to-- Homer, did you barricade the door? Why? Oh, the zombies.
No.
- [ Wailing .]
- [ Screaming .]
Spare my family.
Take me.
Take me.
- [ Wailing .]
Hmm? - [ Hollow Tapping .]
- Brains! Brains! - Brains! Brains! I thought dabbling in the black arts would be good for a chuckle.
How wrong I was.
I should have never read that book.
Wait, Bart.
Maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell.
It's our only hope.
To the book depository.
[ Zombies Moaning .]
Hey, Simpson.
I'm feeling a mite peckish.
Mind if I chew your ear? - [Body Thuds.]
- [ All Gasp .]
- Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders.
- He was a zombie? [Man.]
K-ZMB--All-zombie radio.
[Zombies Moaning.]
The zombies have the Earthlings on the run.
Soon, the human race will wither and fall like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.
[ Sinister Laughs .]
Ow! Careful, not the face.
[ Wailing .]
- [ Bones Crunching .]
- [ Mumbling .]
- Barney, not you too! - I'm not a zombie.
But hey-- when in Rome.
- Wow, George Washington! - Take that, Washington! - [Gunshot.]
- [Body Thuds.]
- Eat lead, Einstein.
- [Gunshot.]
- [Einstein.]
Oy! - Show's over, Shakespeare! Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare? [ Groans .]
- Hurry, Bart! - "Kolchak.
Mannix.
Banacek.
- Danno!" - What's wrong? Uh, I never realized what a beautiful young woman you've become.
- Oh! - "Trojan.
Ramses.
Magnum.
Sheik.
" [ Wailing .]
See ya in hell.
- Still pushin' that boulder? - Uh-huh.
Excuse me.
I'm John Smith.
john Smith, 1 882? My mistake.
The, uh, zombies that plagued our town are now just corpses rotting in our streets.
- [ Townspeople .]
Yea! - [ Groans .]
Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Shh! TV.
- [Thud On TV.]
- [Audience Laughs.]
[ Monotone .]
Man fall down.
Funny.
[ All Grunt .]
[Wolf Howls.]
[Macabre Organ.]