The Upshaws (2021) s04e05 Episode Script

1
Hey, kids, we're leaving!
What what are you doing here?
I'm babysitting.
Nobody called you. Nobody never calls you.
Yeah, Bernard's coming over to babysit.
He was here. I sent him home.
Y'all better get to dinner.
I charge by the half-hour.
Son, I got here as soon as I could.
Mama!
Honey, I got your voicemail
about Regina's heart attack
and then your text saying she was gone.
Don't worry, baby.
We can get through this.
Now, the first thing we have to do
is get rid of her tacky-ass couch.
Uh Mama, come on.
"Her" is standing right here.
Hi, Glodine.
What in the resurrection?
Look, Mama, Regina's alive, okay?
She had to get her mind right,
but she's back.
Yep, so thanks for checking on her.
Nice seeing you.
Bye now.
Cree, hush up now.
She's just playing.
You know we love it
when you pop by without warning. Hmm.
Hey, kids! Grandma Glodine is here!
Ooh, the kids are home?
Let me dig into God's pocket
and see what I got.
Mama, the kids don't want
no wet titty money, okay?
I've been calling you for about a month.
- Where did you go?
- Oh, honey.
I was a love hostage on a soul cruise.
Capt. Lonnie wasn't turning
that boat around for little old me.
But Frankie Beverly sends his condolences.
Grammie Glo!
Hey!
- Hey, Grammie Glo!
- Kelvin? You live here now?
Y'all progressive.
Progressing toward it.
Bennie and I were about to go out
to dinner, Glodine. You wanna join us?
Oh, no, I already ate.
Let's go skating.
Say what now?
We can go to that rink
with the strong drinks
and the padded rails.
Mama, you read my mind.
Kids, get your skates. Let's go.
We goin' skatin'.
You can count me out.
We never
counted you in, kickstand.
That's a good one, baby.
I was gonna say "tripod."
- I love when you come to visit.
- Oh, honey, I do too.
Mwah!
Solid as a rock ♪
Solid, solid, solid, solid ♪
It's time to lay down ♪
So won't you come 'round ♪
Y'all get on my nerves.
You call me to come babysit,
Lucretia sends me home,
and then you tell me to come skate,
and I have to drive across town.
That's a lot of complaining
for a guy with monogrammed skates.
Just go and skate with your grandma
while I stand here hungry and overdressed.
Looking good, Maya.
I know!
Ooh!
I'm okay!
I see you, Kelvin. Keep trying.
Thanks, Miss Regina.
Hey, baby!
Buy me some pizza, baby.
How many slices?
Two-ooh!
Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Never mind. I started something.
Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Hey.
How come you ain't out there?
Your man done started something.
Hmm, yeah.
Haven't done that since I was a kid.
You couldn't pay me to get back on skates.
You know, sometimes you with my son
confuses me.
Hmm. Yeah, I get that a lot.
Mostly from my sister.
Girl, don't you let somebody with nobody
try to tell you how to be with somebody.
Okay, I ain't mad at that.
Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Mama, I left you a space. Get in here!
- Ooh, ooh!
- No, you go ahead, baby.
That's all on you-ooh!
Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
I'm supposed to be eating prime rib
right now, but real talk?
This shit slaps.
You know what else is gonna slap?
Your ass on the toilet seat later.
Whatever.
It tastes so good, I'll take my chances.
You ain't sick yet, so
My two favorite ladies kicking it,
and I love it.
Okay, who gets the blue,
and who gets the red?
I'm gonna mix them together
so I can have me a purple.
Uh-uh. Let me hit this blue.
- Blue.
- Mm-hmm.
Y'all, uh, count me out.
I like to see where my drinks come from.
Straight brown.
Never lets you down.
But y'all go ahead
and enjoy them cups of fentanyl.
Mama, I miss you.
But why are you really here?
I need a reason to come visit my family?
Mama.
You know you always got an angle.
Fine.
I get why you might be
a little suspicious.
A little? Like all those
class-action suits you joined.
We all know you ain't never lived
near Camp Lejeune.
I did have a PO box there.
Yeah, that you put in my name.
You don't have to read me my rap sheet.
I got a parole officer for that.
But the truth is,
getting too old for scamming.
I can't do jail time
with plantar fasciitis.
Just fess up.
What you doing, and who you doing it to?
Okay, fine.
You got me.
You do know your mama.
We too much alike.
- Apple don't fall far from the tree.
- Mama, stop saying the same shit, okay?
Now just spill it. Come on, Mama.
I'm telling you,
that scamming shit is in my past.
All right. It better be.
To show you I'm for real,
y'all remember Regina's
little bitty diamond earrings
that went missing a couple of years ago?
- Yeah.
- How do you know about that?
'Cause I stole 'em.
Oh!
But, because I'm done with that life,
and because you didn't recognize them,
I'm giving them back.
Oh my God.
So, what do you think, Gary?
Does it live up to the pictures?
Better. I never thought I'd find an Airbnb
this nice for the Big Ten Tournament.
Well, happy to have you,
and, just so you know,
the liquor's off limits,
food stays in the kitchen,
don't be running up my light bill,
keep your mitts off the thermostat,
and if my ass touches toilet water,
we gonna have a problem.
Other than that, make yourself at home.
Um
Normally, the host isn't
home when I make myself at home.
Oh man.
Are you gonna be doing weird stuff?
Okay, look, I'm not here to kink shame,
but just keep the freaky in your bedroom.
All the rooms are my room.
I rented your whole apartment.
See? You listed the whole place.
I clicked that?
I thought I was blocking cookies.
Okay, well, look,
obviously I made a mistake.
I can't let you have my entire apartment.
Look, I have nowhere to go.
Then you don't have any of my money.
Okay, look, man.
Look, hey, I'm chill, right?
And and we're vibing.
All right.
I'll find a spot.
Just let me grab a bag
and lock up my ammo.
Again, welcome.
Hey, you Bennie Upshaw?
Yeah, what's happenin'?
Nigga, I know I ain't your daddy.
No, I ain't looking for no daddy.
I'm Bennie Upshaw. What's happening?
Came to collect your mom's $5,000.
Man, I ain't got that kind of money now.
Why you walking up on me like that?
- What's happening? Hey, man.
- You better find it!
Playa!
Oh, it's like that. Hey, Duck! Yeah.
Oh, he's in Jesus school.
Hey, man,
I'm looking for some muscle in the shop.
- You guys looking for work?
- We all filled up.
What we got?
Three, four more shakedowns today?
Let's get this started right now, man.
Hey, man. What's happening
with you, man? Huh?
Hey!
Okay, man, the joke's on you.
I had to replace that anyway.
What about your knees?
You gotta replace them?
Hey man, my bad. You can continue
to whoop this car's ass if you want to.
Hey, what you doing?
Hey, get up off of me.
You got the money yet?
What you think?
It just jumped in my pocket?
- Come on, man.
- Get your hands off my baby.
Don't make me pull out my pistol.
Yeah, my mama stays strapped. What's up?
Baby, relax. I got their money.
Well, at least some of it.
Dig in that other titty
'cause they want all they money.
I can get the rest in a couple of days.
Tomorrow.
Or we're gonna start breaking
a lot more shit.
Hey, I'm telling you, bro.
Yeah, y'all lucky
I don't fight in front of my mama!
Son, you all right?
Mama, I thought you said
you stopped scamming.
I did.
But you see how big those dudes are.
That's why I stopped.
They still want their money though.
Why didn't you just tell me?
'Cause I thought I could take care of it
before they even got to you.
Why is anybody getting to me?
How do they even know about me?
I'm proud of you.
Can't a mama brag
about her successful son?
Yeah. Brag about me, not my address.
I'm surprised they started here.
I did mention that you're a homeowner.
Mama!
What? What am I supposed to say?
"My son ain't shit"?
Okay, I didn't wanna ruin
our anniversary dinner,
but which time we got together
are we celebrating?
Uh, the one that stuck.
Ah, that's cute.
The night is not over.
I got a little surprise for you.
Oh!
Hey, nephew. Hey, Hector.
Is she the surprise? Because if so,
we are not on the same page.
No, the surprise
was that champagne she's guzzling.
It's sparkling wine. Don't dress it up.
Why is any of this happening?
Well
Hector, can you give us
some privacy, please?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, it's the best I could do.
His shower's in the kitchen.
I'm Airbnb-ing my place.
The lease says we can't do that.
Me, as owner of the building, says I can,
so I'm gonna need to stay here
for a couple of nights.
Go stay with Mom and Bennie.
And tell them what?
They don't know about my
circumstance.
Oh, that you're broke?
Bernard told me.
Well, look, Hector and I are celebrating,
so you can't stay here.
You should be celebrating
the fact that I never charge you rent.
Look, I'm not a monster, okay?
I'll just go in the bedroom,
and you you can have your space.
Would somebody top me off?
Hey. The hell happened to you?
Had to check these fools
that came at my mama.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
We got $5,000
we can give my mama real quick?
It's in the refrigerator right behind
the "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Wait a minute. What happened
to her giving up scamming?
"Her" is sitting right here,
and I did.
I just got a couple of loose ends,
but they my problem.
Damn right they are.
- No, since they found me, I'm in it now.
- Bennie, how you gon' help?
You got way too many kids
to be sitting on spare cash.
Unless you got something valuable
laying around I don't know about.
This better be a dramatic pause
'cause that "no" is coming slow as shit.
I got a little something.
Boy, don't you even think
about those baseball cards.
- Oh, Mama!
- Uh, I I'm sorry.
You got baseball cards worth $5,000?
Okay, Lord knows I don't wanna start
no commotion between y'all.
Look, honey. Bennie, your mama's slick.
I got this.
You remember that time
I got caught selling those tickets
to an imaginary Jodeci concert?
- Yeah, I remember.
- Yeah, well, I outran that mob.
I can outrun this one.
She won't be outrunning nobody
with them flat feet.
What the hell, Bennie? Huh? What the hell?
All the shit we've been through,
all the times that we have needed money.
Begging Lucretia,
begging the power company,
begging Lucretia to pay the power company.
My GMAT money.
Gee, you could've fixed all that.
What about you?
I've never seen you come off that necklace
you be hiding
in that dusty-ass Crown Royal bag
up there in the bedroom.
Oh, I know you not talking
about my mama's cameo.
I am passing that down to whichever child
takes care of me in my old age.
Well, those cards mean a lot to me,
and I never thought about selling them.
Why not? You
you don't even like baseball!
- My dad gave them to me.
- Oh shit, please.
You only saying that
'cause I said, "My mama's cameo."
I'm serious, Regina.
Every time my dad
would get a little extra money,
he would go buy me them little Topp cards.
Damn, we used to have so much fun
with them cards.
He would sit there,
chew his tobacco and spit.
And I'd be chewing my bubblegum
blowing bubbles.
Spit.
Man, I loved that shit.
I'm so sorry, baby.
I had no idea.
I I don't wanna sell the cards,
but I gotta do it for my ma.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I get it. I get it.
Sell the cards.
That way, you can pay off your mom's debt.
- And give the rest to me.
- What?
As you heard, I have memories too.
Like waiting three hours in line
for a fake-ass Jodeci concert!
I gave you
your little bitty-ass earrings back.
I can't undo everything.
So it's not much but, you know, it's cozy.
Ooh, Bernard!
You two-timing Hector?
You really don't have a type, do you?
Aunt Lucretia, this is Roger.
Uh, Bernard, you don't introduce
your side piece to family!
I'm not cheating.
He's gonna be Airbnb-ing my place
for the next few days.
When I learned how much money you make,
it felt stupid not to get in on it.
Uh, well, I heard
the owner does not allow that.
Well, I heard some stuff the owner
doesn't want other people to hear.
That's dirty, Bernard.
- That's that Bennie in you.
- So I'll be at Hector's or my parents'.
Or any other many places I can go to
because I live in truth.
Wi-Fi code is on the table.
Excuse me, I'll take these pretzels.
What? Where am I supposed to go?
That's between you and your secrets. Bye.
Hey, man. You want a roommate?
Oh, hell no.
Is that coming from your feet?
Hey.
Yeah, look, I gotta make this quick.
Bennie's selling the cards right now.
I told you
my son would do anything for me.
Yeah. Well, just let me get this money,
and then we can book the tickets.
Countdown to Cabo.
Ciao, baby.
I hate working for a living.
So, how's it going?
We'd be done
if this dude stopped window shopping.
- I definitely want a lot of these.
- Then what's the problem? Wrap it up.
- Well, a couple of them are faded.
- No.
That's not a faded Reggie Jackson.
He's just light skinned.
All right.
Three grand for the whole thing.
Three grand?! Shit! You faded!
Now, that card right there
costs 500 by itself.
You know, people always
trying to take advantage.
How about five Gs?
Sounds good to me.
So, how we doing this?
Cash App? Venmo? Apple Pay? Zelle?
They take the least off the top.
I'll just take cash.
Let me, uh, move some things around.
Thank you for this, son.
I know. I was fronting,
but I don't know what I would've done.
Mama, you know I'd do anything for you.
Yeah.
I had a hunch.
Oh shit, other people.
Uh
What are y'all doing here on a Sunday?
Huh! Selling my baseball cards.
Baseball cards? What kind of bullshit
Y'all better not be
human trafficking in here.
Holler if you need help!
Why do you have wet flip-flops?
Yeah. Why do you have
a shower caddy?
Are you bathing here?
No!
And, if you must know,
sometimes after church,
I like to come in here
and give this place a good prison clean.
Why else would I have a toothbrush?
To get between them cloven hooves.
My boy was right.
This purple is the shit.
Murph,
Marquis,
good job.
I knew when I saw y'all tossing garbage
out back that you had the muscle.
Yeah, man.
At one point, you had me scared.
Hey, thanks, man.
So, you ain't gonna say anything about me?
I took a hit.
Oh, all right. My bad.
Here.
Here's an extra 20 for the wrench.
Mama.
Oh shit.
Bennie. What are you doing here?
I followed you.
I couldn't let you do this by yourself,
and you're my mama.
Well, you're too late.
They apologized.
We just sitting here chatting.
No, they put they hands on me,
and I don't forget shit like this.
I'm about to mess they day up. Officer!
- Officer?!
- Officer?!
- Are these the perps?
- Yep.
Just these two, and that's my mama.
Okay. You two have the right
to remain silent.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
She paid us.
- We work here. I take out the trash.
- And I just fix broke skates.
What? Is this true, Mama? You paid them?
Absolutely not.
Glodine Upshaw wouldn't do
a thing like that.
Glodine Upshaw?
We've been looking for you for years.
What?
Did I say Glodine Upshaw?
I meant Glodine Littlefeather.
Bennie, help me.
I can't, Mama.
Look like your shit
done caught up with you,
and now it's with the law.
Okay, Bennie, how far
are we taking it here?
You really want me to handcuff your mama?
You damn straight. She tried to scam me.
You knew?
You damn right,
and now you going to jail, Mama.
Fuck you, son.
Well, I don't know
what he washed in that tub,
but you need to bring in a professional.
See, that's why
the landlord doesn't allow Airbnb.
I'mma kill you, Bernard.
What is wrong with you, Glodine?
Look, if I had asked you straight out
for Cabo money,
would you have gave it to me?
I haven't even been to Cabo.
Why would I send you?
You know, I'mma go upstairs
and check my jewelry box.
Before you start accusing people,
here's your necklace
with some heifer's face on it.
That's my mama's cameo!
I'm sick of you.
Boy, Mama, you done did
some shady shit in your life.
You're right.
I have.
But what choice did I have, Bennie?
We went through tough times
when you were growing up.
It was a struggle.
But we got through them
'cause I did what I had to do,
and I'm not apologizing for that.
Come on, Mama. You know I appreciate you.
You're welcome.
Wait a minute. Where you going?
That wasn't the end of it?
No, Mama.
You ran a game on me.
I sold my cards.
I just can't get over that.
I can't get over
how you figured me out so quick.
My shit was tight.
Lucretia's nosy ass
got cameras all over the shop.
She showed me the phone conversations,
and she showed me
that little victory cabbage-patch dance
before I left the room.
You was doing like this.
Oh really?
Let me tell you something
about her homeless, penniless ass.
She's flat broke.
Mama, you lying.
Hmm.
What is this?
Lucretia's debit card.
You stole from Lucretia?
I tried, but her account was empty.
So was this one.
So, you mean to tell me
I got five Gs in the bank,
and Lucretia is flat broke?
As hell.
Mama, I love you.
Bring it in!