The Wild Wild West (1965) s04e05 Episode Script
The Night of the Gruesome Games
1 Hyah.
Get out and stay out! Take it easy, old timer.
You can tell that saddle louse this goes for him too.
And in case he can't read, it says "No admittance.
Closed for repairs.
" Well, a little saw and a little hammering never bothered me wettin' my whistle before.
You fellas better stay away from those swinging doors if you know what's good for you.
Hi, Artie.
Hi, Jim.
A little late, aren't you? Come on, old timer.
I'm all right.
My hand.
Look at that.
Couldn't get a drink I'm all right.
Don't worry about it.
What kept you? Unseasonable fireworks display, courtesy of Dr.
Raker.
Artie, have you spotted him yet? Yeah, he's somewhere inside that grogshop.
I got here just in time to see him flash a card and get ushered in with bows.
The place is completely closed to the rest of us.
I've never seen a bar closed before for repairs.
Neither have I, in a territory like this.
Did you find out why all the heat's on Raker? You know what oracine is, Artie? I know it's one of the swiftest and deadliest of the germ cultures.
So deadly it can wipe out every living thing in this state.
Well, so long as it's kept on ice back at the laboratory there's no danger.
How long has Raker had it? He stole it a day ago.
We've got big trouble, Jim.
That stuff starts to get warm, it begins expanding, multiplying.
When it gets hot enough, it will bust that container wide open.
And we'll see a plague the likes of which the world has never known.
Unless we can get it away from Raker before then.
Artie, how about one of those little diversions of yours? No problem.
"Closed for repairs," the sign says.
Well, now, ain't that just jim-dandy.
Man, this ain't just a pla Here, I want every man-jack of you that's got red blood in him, come here and listen what I got to say about what they're trying to do to us here.
This ain't just a place dispensin' refreshments that's closed for repairs.
This is a democracy that's bein' closed for repairs.
It's life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness that's bein' closed for repairs.
A man's got a natural-born right to take a nip when he's got a mind to.
And the question I'm trying to put to every single man-jack is whether we're going to stand by here just a-twiddlin' our pinkies while these buzzards try to act like kings and tell us when to drink and when not to.
So unexpected.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, miss.
Well, what for? Won't you sit down? No, thank you.
Journey's end, doctor.
What a pity.
And after eluding you halfway across the continent.
Hand it over.
I would guess that you're referring to a small black leather box? Doctor, I said, hand it over.
And if I don't hand it over, you would shoot me just like that? What do you think? I don't think you would.
Try me.
I can't believe that you have the talent for killing in cold blood.
But you are a creature of surprises and contradictions, West.
And I do want to live.
So Just think, for a brief period, at any rate, it was given to me to have the capability of unleashing a full-blown plague.
One equal to the delicious black plague that decimated Europe in the 14th century.
I'll take that now, doctor.
Don't worry, my dear.
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
Isn't that right, Mr.
West? I'll tell you, there's no stopping 'em once they start closing things down.
Don't shoot, Artie! He's got the vial.
Agh! He's dead.
The man stopped breathing.
His heart don't beat.
That's generally what we call it around here.
Jim, look at that.
Looks like Raker was a lot trickier than we thought.
Invitation to a party at the residence of Mr.
Rufus Kraus.
The Rufus Kraus? His mansion is somewhere in these parts, as I recall.
Rufus Kraus, one of the richest men in the world.
Party giver extraordinaire.
And a living enigma.
What would a man like that be doing with someone like Raker? Look, my friend, we need some answers to a few questions.
Are you agreeable? Well Well, heh, no, I d I don't want to get mixed up with the government.
Sure.
The business about your bar being repaired.
What was that all about? Mr.
Kraus paid me a lot of money to do that.
Rufus Kraus? Yes, sir, that's his name.
Mr.
Kraus wanted to use my place for a bunch of his guests to wait in until his coaches picked them up.
That's all.
Rendezvous point for Kraus' party guests.
It's very interesting, but it doesn't get us any closer to that box.
Now, wait a minute, Artie.
I saw Raker messing around with some luggage back at the inn.
You know anything about that? That must be Lola Cortez's luggage.
She was a guest of Mr.
Kraus'.
Of course.
He hid the real box in one of the lady's trunks.
Let's get it.
Heh.
Don't waste your time, men.
What do you mean, don't waste our time? Well, if you're looking for the lady's trunk, it's already gone.
How do you know that? Well, I helped them load it while you were chasing that fella in there.
Great.
Wait a minute.
How was Raker going to get to that party? Well, there's another coach scheduled in a little while to pick him up, but I I guess he's not gonna make it now.
In short, my dear Miss Cortez, that little bit of horseplay that you were witness to was just an elaborate little entertainment between friends.
I'm terribly sorry if it distressed you.
Heh-heh.
Well, you certainly know how to frighten a girl.
I was positively My.
My goodness.
Excuse me.
It's all right.
Certainly, it's reassuring to be in the hands of a medical man, doctor.
Well, I must say, it's moments like these that I cherish the title.
Although I do wish you would forget the title and merely address me, if you would, as Theobald.
Only if you'll call me Lola.
Agreed.
And, um, while we're becoming so acquainted, would you mind? Of course.
Lola, meet James, my dear friend and bodyguard.
How do you do? Lucky you, Theobald.
Yes.
Excuse me.
This party might turn out to be fun after all.
You know, I can't imagine how I ever was invited to one of Mr.
Kraus' famous parties.
I only met him once, aboard ship, coming back from Europe.
will you take a look at that.
Yeah.
Cozy little cottage, isn't it? Yes.
So this is the famous Kraus mansion.
And there's the welcoming committee.
That's my bodyguard.
He's with me.
Guest list don't mention bodyguard.
Got problem.
No really, there's no problem.
Problem! ha-ha-ha-ha! Now, see here, my good man.
How dare you? You don't need bodyguard anyhow.
Very effective, isn't he? Shall we? Here we go 'round The mulberry bush The mulberry bush The mulberry bush Here we go 'round The mulberry bush So early in the morning And this is the way We wash our clothes Wash our clothes Wash our clothes This is the way We wash our clothes So early in the morning This is the way We iron our clothes Iron our clothes Iron our clothes This is the way We iron our clothes So early Tuesday Scrub the floors Scrub the floors This is the way We scrub the floors What we are watching, believe it or not, is an exciting game of Musical Chairs.
Bake the bread This is the way We bake the bread This is the way we We have three and a half hours to recover that vial, Jim.
This is the way We go to church So early Sunday morning Here we go 'round The mulberry bush The mulberry bush The mulberry bush They're in there fiddling while Rome is about to burn.
If the box is in Lola's luggage, it's got to be upstairs somewhere.
Well, you sure don't need me for that.
Why don't I see what I can learn down here? Till later, Artie.
Right.
The last of the recruits to join our revels.
You must be Dr.
Raker.
Yes, indeed.
And dear Lola Cortez, whom we've all adored so much for her stage performances.
I'm Charity Witherleave, Mr.
Kraus' games mistress, so to speak.
Mr.
Kraus is terribly keen about all of his guests participating in the games we play here, don't you see? Ha-ha-ha.
You do like games, doctor, don't you? Yes, indeed.
I can hardly wait to play Drop the Handkerchief.
Heh, that comes next, after we've disposed of Thimble, Thimble, Where's the Thimble? No, no, that doesn't count.
I only stopped it so you could meet our latest guests.
Now, this is the famous actress, Lola Cortez, and the mysterious Dr.
Raker.
And here we have Count Zendar of Bosnia.
La Marquesa Bellini.
Innocent Vidoq from Haiti.
Enchanté.
How do you do? Surely you recognize Ludmila, the prima ballerina of the Moscow theater.
General Crocker, the renowned Indian fighter.
Howdy.
How do you do? The famous surgeon, Dr.
Walter De Forest.
And, Miss Gilda Novak.
Bring some more chairs.
Our new friends have to play.
Everyone plays.
You'll love the games.
Yes.
Mr.
Kraus loves the masks.
When they're in place, it's so easy for everyone to pretend he's someone else.
Don't you agree, Dr.
Raker? Here we go 'round The mulberry bush The mulberry bush The mulberry bush La-la-la-la, la-la, la-la La-la-la, la-la-la La-la-la-la There's a dreadful lump in this cushion.
The most beautiful diamond bracelet I have ever seen.
Of course, it is not genuine.
On the contrary, madam, it is not only genuine, but rose-cut and magnificently faceted.
Quite priceless, I might say.
And it's yours, my dear Marquesa.
All yours.
Mine? Heh.
How kind of you, Rufus.
It must be worth a fortune.
It is.
But why try to put a price on it, my dear? Could you put a price on the sense of loss that a certain amorous fellow might have suffered? Someone who was naive enough to expect a beautiful young aristocrat to keep her promise and join him in a villa off the Adriatic? Rufus, that was long ago, and there were reasons, good reasons.
Yeah? I don't want to hear them.
Where's that worthless games director of mine? Here, sir.
At your beck and call, Mr.
Kraus.
May we get on with the games? A-a-all right, everybody, let's play Thimble, Thimble, Where's The Thimble? That is, of course, if the rest of you feel like playing.
Yes.
Of course.
Certainly.
No, no.
It's okay.
Okay.
I found one! I found one.
I found a thimble.
How exciting.
I found a thimble.
Mister Ambassador found a prize too.
Agh! A needle.
All that from a needle? Of course, if it's a poisoned needle.
Well, that shows how much you know, whoever you are down there.
Count Zendar ran his aristocratic little pinky on a needle all right, but it was not poisoned.
I'm sorry to say.
Well, if it's not poisoned, what is it? I won't tell you.
It was a sedative, you ninny.
I had it made up specially for this party, but it's quite harmless.
He'll come to in a half an hour or so, and be the same pompous jackass he always was.
Well, whippoorwill.
If you can manage to come out of your trance, why don't we get these games going again? Certainly, Mr.
Kraus.
I-it's fun and games time.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, now we're going play Drop the Handkerchief.
So if everyone will line up, and Pardon, madame, it is getting late.
Excusez.
Yeah, since I am so tired, I will turn in too.
Lady, you got the right idea.
All this "la-dee-da" has plum tuckered me out.
Well, what's the matter with all you sunbeams? Lost your appetite for fun and games, have you? It's a party, blast you! Now, come back here and play.
You hear me? My Come here and look at this.
It's a ruby.
Is it a real ruby? Fit to grace the pale hands of the mogul of Delhi's bride.
Well, now, maybe we can get the games started again after all? Well, things being what they are, no sense spoiling the party by going to bed.
Yes! Please, let's play some more.
Well, now, the next game is going to require a little skill.
You see, you all have to have a spoon.
Well, get them the spoons, No-Fun.
Now, once you have the spoon, you take it and put it in your mouth.
The wrong ends I know what you may be thinking, gentleman.
But I'm engaged to the woman who has this room.
You make mess of room.
Now, I make mess of you.
On your mark, get set, go! Stop him! Stop that man! How dare you leave this party, sir? Who is he? That's Dr.
Raker.
What? Aha.
My old friend, Dr.
Raker? Well, come here, Theobald.
Closer.
So these old eyes can feast on you for a change.
I, was beginning to feel a bit faint, Rufus.
I thought perhaps a glass of your excellent port Quiet, now.
Closer, I said.
How the devil do you do it? Well, it must be at least 10 years since I last saw you, and you haven't aged a day.
What the devil is your secret of eternal youth? Well, it's really very simple, Rufus.
I always give in to my baser instincts.
Well, so do I.
I've been doing that for as long as I can remember.
It hasn't helped me stay looking young.
Hide-and-seek.
Hide-and-seek, now.
Everybody's going to play hide-and-seek.
And you, Theobald, are it.
No, no, no.
No, Ruf Yes, on second thought, that's an excellent idea.
Wonderful.
Turn down the lamp.
Now, scatter everyone and hide, hide, hide.
You wake up now, bodyguard.
No-Fun, where am I? Furnace.
Basement.
You make mess.
Now you cook.
Ha-ha-ha.
When steam goes to pipe, bars get red hot.
This old Shimbodo hand-torture cage.
You like? No, I don't like.
Pretty soon you sorry you fight with No-Fun.
No-Fun, I don't have time to play with you.
Make the time.
You no go no place.
Cook all night.
Goodbye, bodyguard.
Now we can open our little eyes.
I think everyone's had plenty of time.
Ti What? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Yes.
Here he comes, everyone.
Ready or not, here he comes.
Where are they hiding, Raker? Where will they be? Now, don't make any noises, any of you.
You hear me? Shh! Shh! I'm trapped! Help me! I'm being smothered! Agh! Help me, someone! It's all right.
Listen, it's all right.
It's all right.
I'm right here.
There's no danger.
Glory be.
Look.
Turn the lamps on.
Look, everybody, I found a fur cape.
A real beaver cape.
Your beaver cape happens to be sable, Miss Novak.
Pearls before swine.
Sable.
If I worked in the shop 200 years I could never afford a fur like this.
And it's all yours, Cinderella.
Now do you see the sport of it, Raker, Play on, play on! Let's keep the games going, now.
Keep the games going, you say? May I point out one of the byproducts of your little games, Mr.
Kraus? Count Zendar is not just taking a nap in there.
Lola? Well, whatever you do, don't hide in a cabinet.
What happened? The door is jammed.
Well, hang on, will you? I'll have you out in no time.
What are you doing in that thing? I'm trying to get out of this thing.
Miss Cortez, could you push that handle down, please? I'm sorry.
I-I don't like this party.
I don't care how many prizes I win.
I'm leaving.
That's the most sensible idea of the night.
Come on.
What a terrible way to treat a lady.
There we are, playing hide-and-seek, and And look what happens.
I step into this big chest to hide and the next thing I know I land in the basement.
And what makes things worse, is you don't even pay any attention to me.
I thought you wanted to get out of here.
Well, I Come on, let me help you.
Gold! Gold! Look, it's gold! I hid in here like Ali Baba, and I found it filled with gold! Fill your pockets with it, you fool.
May it bring you more peace of mind than it ever brought me.
Here, look at this.
Falls back too, I'll wager.
You think that's something? You ought to see some of them traps them Apaches can set.
I'll settle for that.
Line up, players.
Time to play Riding to the Hounds.
Over here, dear.
Now, you take your little horsey and you try to catch the fox.
Well, she's been in here before.
How'd you get here? This house is honeycombed with secret passageways.
They all end here.
It figures.
Artie, I found the black box, but the vial was gone.
Raker must have had an accomplice waiting for it.
Any idea who that might be? I got him! I got the little varmint.
Hey, there's something wrong with this goldarned animal.
Well, what do you mean? Why, there ain't no dang prize here.
It's just an old hunk of hide.
We'd better lay it on the line with Kraus and tell him who we are.
We better search this entire house, Artie.
And what if he's Raker's accomplice? Gonna have to take that chance.
We're running out of time.
Young man, you're being very foolish about this.
You can shoot your yap off.
You got a bracelet and she got a cape.
Everybody got something but me.
I didn't win anything yet either.
Everyone, you must stop your bickering now.
Pay attention.
Now, Mr.
Kraus has a little announcement to make.
Short and sweet.
I wouldn't dream of interrupting your party because I know what it's like not having fun.
You see, when I was a boy, I never had any fun.
You know why? Because I never wanted to.
I was too busy making money to bother about what those other fools called fun.
And I made a lot of money.
Yeah.
And then I had my own kind of fun.
Some of you know about that, Can you guess why you're all here tonight? All right.
I'll tell you then.
Every one of you is in my will.
Yeah.
That's nice, isn't it? Yeah.
Well, I picked you very carefully.
We are bound together, you and I, by mutual bonds of avarice, my friends.
Avarice and deceit.
And that makes it good, you see, because you're all down for handsome amounts.
There's just one catch.
Only the living will inherit what I put down for them.
You get that? But, Rufus, we are all living.
But for how long, my dear Marquesa? In this group, for how long? Which makes it the best game of all.
Corpses don't qualify, you hear? Survivors will divide up everything.
Cute game, isn't it? It's an open invitation to murder.
Isn't it beautiful? All right, No-Fun, get me up.
And now I am going to blow out the candles on my cake, and you, my dear friends, are going to sing "Happy Birthday" to this old codger.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Artie, give me five minutes, then you'd better meet me upstairs.
Right.
Terrible thing to happen to that nice old man, wasn't it? Old skinflint deserves it, hornswoggling me like that.
Don't you agree? Mr.
Kraus.
Listen to me, Mr.
Kraus.
My name is James West.
I'm a Secret Service agent sent here by President Grant.
Grant? Bah.
Sir, I realize you may not have voted for the president, but this whole country is in danger.
How? Somewhere here in this house Get him, No-Fun.
I think it's No-Fun.
Can't see without my glasses.
You fight now! Ha-ha, that's the way to hit him.
That's wonderful.
Hoorah, boys.
Hoorah! That was a fight to do Do my heart good.
Now I can sleep.
Jim, the other guests are going to be nosing around here before long, I'm afraid.
Good, that's just what we want them to do.
I have a feeling someone's trying to get rid of those people, Artie.
My suspicion says it's Raker's Confederate.
Now, we've got to get him to force his hand.
Yeah, but our bloodthirsty host is Artie, he'll be sleeping it off in the next room.
You.
No more games, Mr.
Kraus? No more games? But we are all in the mood and having such fun.
Surely, sir.
But now that you've recovered from your little indigestion Confound it, you heard me.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's a pack of idiots making noise while I'm trying to rest.
Now, stop all that.
It's nothing but nonsense anyway.
I want all of you to go back to your rooms and get some rest yourselves.
Now! Before midnight? But Mr.
Kraus, that doesn't sound like you.
Is that so? Well, maybe I'm a different person.
Maybe I've had a change of heart since I almost blew my life out down in that room down there.
Maybe I I've seen the light, as the saying goes.
Ha-ha-ha.
You see? Y-y-yes, sir, I see.
I just want all of you to live long enough to inherit my bequests, that's all.
Mr.
Kraus.
I've heard of noble things, but I just think Stop right there! Nobility has nothing to do with it.
Something completely different.
Something I've just found out.
I've been saving it for last to tell you.
One of you down there is a murderer.
Mr.
Kraus, your sense of humor.
Shut up! I've sent Dr.
Raker for my lawyer and the police, and when they get here, I'm going to cross that murderin' scalawag right out of my will and turn him over to justice.
Now, I want all of you to go back to your own rooms until I send for you.
You hear? Well, don't waste your time looking at me.
I'm not the murderer.
I'm going right up to my room and lock myself in.
Now, ladies, rest easy.
This child has lived through scalping parties and murderin' renegades.
There's nothing to worry about while I'm here.
That is precisely what I am worried about.
How's the old boy doing? He's sleeping like a baby in the next room.
Artie, I have a feeling long after you and I are gone, he's going to be very much alive and kicking.
Heh-heh-heh.
I knew it would force his hand.
Of course, any good yogi can hold his breath and stop his heartbeat for a brief period of time.
I'd say Dr.
Raker's one of the outstanding proponents of the art, wouldn't you, Jim? Easily.
He certainly had us fooled.
Now, where's the vial? Well, I've hidden it downstairs.
It's perfectly safe from you.
You listen to me and listen good, doctor.
In 15 to 20 minutes, that culture will explode that vial.
Unleashing a plague the likes of which the world has never seen before.
Now, come on, Raker, while there's still time to do something about it.
Hoh, really, gentleman.
Heh-heh.
That's about as ridiculous as Well, as that shotgun aimed at your backs.
All right, my dear, you may show your pretty face.
Congratulations, sir, on your imitation of my husband.
Aha, Mrs.
Raker.
I shall take that as a compliment.
It all would have been so perfect if you had only left us alone.
Kraus put a few little booby traps into his games, but you should have seen the ones that we added.
Why, by morning, there wouldn't have been a single person alive.
And then, as a result of spontaneous combustion, of course, a fire would just happen to break out, destroying all the evidence of the night's work.
Since you're going to inherit all of Kraus' money, you have the vial, I assume you think you can control the world.
Think? Heh-heh.
I will control it.
Come, my dear.
Come.
Heh.
Move, gentlemen.
Farewell.
Dispose of them.
Get the vial, Artie.
Quick! Listen to me, Raker.
You'll never get away with it.
Heh-heh.
But, you see, I am getting away with it.
Then you won't have the time.
Almost done.
Got it.
Got it.
There's only two minutes left.
If we don't destroy that vial right now, we're all going to die.
Theobald, it It's getting hot.
What do you mean? What if he's telling the truth? You better believe it, Raker.
It must be some kind of a trick.
Raker! Jim! Artie.
Yeah? I really have to compliment you on your choice of restaurants.
Well, thank you.
If we're handing them out, those lovely twins.
Where did you find them? They were beautiful.
They were beautiful, weren't they? Indeed, they What's that? I don't know.
The Encyclopedia of Party Games.
Listen to this.
"A little something to help you at our next party, Rufus Kraus.
"
Get out and stay out! Take it easy, old timer.
You can tell that saddle louse this goes for him too.
And in case he can't read, it says "No admittance.
Closed for repairs.
" Well, a little saw and a little hammering never bothered me wettin' my whistle before.
You fellas better stay away from those swinging doors if you know what's good for you.
Hi, Artie.
Hi, Jim.
A little late, aren't you? Come on, old timer.
I'm all right.
My hand.
Look at that.
Couldn't get a drink I'm all right.
Don't worry about it.
What kept you? Unseasonable fireworks display, courtesy of Dr.
Raker.
Artie, have you spotted him yet? Yeah, he's somewhere inside that grogshop.
I got here just in time to see him flash a card and get ushered in with bows.
The place is completely closed to the rest of us.
I've never seen a bar closed before for repairs.
Neither have I, in a territory like this.
Did you find out why all the heat's on Raker? You know what oracine is, Artie? I know it's one of the swiftest and deadliest of the germ cultures.
So deadly it can wipe out every living thing in this state.
Well, so long as it's kept on ice back at the laboratory there's no danger.
How long has Raker had it? He stole it a day ago.
We've got big trouble, Jim.
That stuff starts to get warm, it begins expanding, multiplying.
When it gets hot enough, it will bust that container wide open.
And we'll see a plague the likes of which the world has never known.
Unless we can get it away from Raker before then.
Artie, how about one of those little diversions of yours? No problem.
"Closed for repairs," the sign says.
Well, now, ain't that just jim-dandy.
Man, this ain't just a pla Here, I want every man-jack of you that's got red blood in him, come here and listen what I got to say about what they're trying to do to us here.
This ain't just a place dispensin' refreshments that's closed for repairs.
This is a democracy that's bein' closed for repairs.
It's life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness that's bein' closed for repairs.
A man's got a natural-born right to take a nip when he's got a mind to.
And the question I'm trying to put to every single man-jack is whether we're going to stand by here just a-twiddlin' our pinkies while these buzzards try to act like kings and tell us when to drink and when not to.
So unexpected.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, miss.
Well, what for? Won't you sit down? No, thank you.
Journey's end, doctor.
What a pity.
And after eluding you halfway across the continent.
Hand it over.
I would guess that you're referring to a small black leather box? Doctor, I said, hand it over.
And if I don't hand it over, you would shoot me just like that? What do you think? I don't think you would.
Try me.
I can't believe that you have the talent for killing in cold blood.
But you are a creature of surprises and contradictions, West.
And I do want to live.
So Just think, for a brief period, at any rate, it was given to me to have the capability of unleashing a full-blown plague.
One equal to the delicious black plague that decimated Europe in the 14th century.
I'll take that now, doctor.
Don't worry, my dear.
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
Isn't that right, Mr.
West? I'll tell you, there's no stopping 'em once they start closing things down.
Don't shoot, Artie! He's got the vial.
Agh! He's dead.
The man stopped breathing.
His heart don't beat.
That's generally what we call it around here.
Jim, look at that.
Looks like Raker was a lot trickier than we thought.
Invitation to a party at the residence of Mr.
Rufus Kraus.
The Rufus Kraus? His mansion is somewhere in these parts, as I recall.
Rufus Kraus, one of the richest men in the world.
Party giver extraordinaire.
And a living enigma.
What would a man like that be doing with someone like Raker? Look, my friend, we need some answers to a few questions.
Are you agreeable? Well Well, heh, no, I d I don't want to get mixed up with the government.
Sure.
The business about your bar being repaired.
What was that all about? Mr.
Kraus paid me a lot of money to do that.
Rufus Kraus? Yes, sir, that's his name.
Mr.
Kraus wanted to use my place for a bunch of his guests to wait in until his coaches picked them up.
That's all.
Rendezvous point for Kraus' party guests.
It's very interesting, but it doesn't get us any closer to that box.
Now, wait a minute, Artie.
I saw Raker messing around with some luggage back at the inn.
You know anything about that? That must be Lola Cortez's luggage.
She was a guest of Mr.
Kraus'.
Of course.
He hid the real box in one of the lady's trunks.
Let's get it.
Heh.
Don't waste your time, men.
What do you mean, don't waste our time? Well, if you're looking for the lady's trunk, it's already gone.
How do you know that? Well, I helped them load it while you were chasing that fella in there.
Great.
Wait a minute.
How was Raker going to get to that party? Well, there's another coach scheduled in a little while to pick him up, but I I guess he's not gonna make it now.
In short, my dear Miss Cortez, that little bit of horseplay that you were witness to was just an elaborate little entertainment between friends.
I'm terribly sorry if it distressed you.
Heh-heh.
Well, you certainly know how to frighten a girl.
I was positively My.
My goodness.
Excuse me.
It's all right.
Certainly, it's reassuring to be in the hands of a medical man, doctor.
Well, I must say, it's moments like these that I cherish the title.
Although I do wish you would forget the title and merely address me, if you would, as Theobald.
Only if you'll call me Lola.
Agreed.
And, um, while we're becoming so acquainted, would you mind? Of course.
Lola, meet James, my dear friend and bodyguard.
How do you do? Lucky you, Theobald.
Yes.
Excuse me.
This party might turn out to be fun after all.
You know, I can't imagine how I ever was invited to one of Mr.
Kraus' famous parties.
I only met him once, aboard ship, coming back from Europe.
will you take a look at that.
Yeah.
Cozy little cottage, isn't it? Yes.
So this is the famous Kraus mansion.
And there's the welcoming committee.
That's my bodyguard.
He's with me.
Guest list don't mention bodyguard.
Got problem.
No really, there's no problem.
Problem! ha-ha-ha-ha! Now, see here, my good man.
How dare you? You don't need bodyguard anyhow.
Very effective, isn't he? Shall we? Here we go 'round The mulberry bush The mulberry bush The mulberry bush Here we go 'round The mulberry bush So early in the morning And this is the way We wash our clothes Wash our clothes Wash our clothes This is the way We wash our clothes So early in the morning This is the way We iron our clothes Iron our clothes Iron our clothes This is the way We iron our clothes So early Tuesday Scrub the floors Scrub the floors This is the way We scrub the floors What we are watching, believe it or not, is an exciting game of Musical Chairs.
Bake the bread This is the way We bake the bread This is the way we We have three and a half hours to recover that vial, Jim.
This is the way We go to church So early Sunday morning Here we go 'round The mulberry bush The mulberry bush The mulberry bush They're in there fiddling while Rome is about to burn.
If the box is in Lola's luggage, it's got to be upstairs somewhere.
Well, you sure don't need me for that.
Why don't I see what I can learn down here? Till later, Artie.
Right.
The last of the recruits to join our revels.
You must be Dr.
Raker.
Yes, indeed.
And dear Lola Cortez, whom we've all adored so much for her stage performances.
I'm Charity Witherleave, Mr.
Kraus' games mistress, so to speak.
Mr.
Kraus is terribly keen about all of his guests participating in the games we play here, don't you see? Ha-ha-ha.
You do like games, doctor, don't you? Yes, indeed.
I can hardly wait to play Drop the Handkerchief.
Heh, that comes next, after we've disposed of Thimble, Thimble, Where's the Thimble? No, no, that doesn't count.
I only stopped it so you could meet our latest guests.
Now, this is the famous actress, Lola Cortez, and the mysterious Dr.
Raker.
And here we have Count Zendar of Bosnia.
La Marquesa Bellini.
Innocent Vidoq from Haiti.
Enchanté.
How do you do? Surely you recognize Ludmila, the prima ballerina of the Moscow theater.
General Crocker, the renowned Indian fighter.
Howdy.
How do you do? The famous surgeon, Dr.
Walter De Forest.
And, Miss Gilda Novak.
Bring some more chairs.
Our new friends have to play.
Everyone plays.
You'll love the games.
Yes.
Mr.
Kraus loves the masks.
When they're in place, it's so easy for everyone to pretend he's someone else.
Don't you agree, Dr.
Raker? Here we go 'round The mulberry bush The mulberry bush The mulberry bush La-la-la-la, la-la, la-la La-la-la, la-la-la La-la-la-la There's a dreadful lump in this cushion.
The most beautiful diamond bracelet I have ever seen.
Of course, it is not genuine.
On the contrary, madam, it is not only genuine, but rose-cut and magnificently faceted.
Quite priceless, I might say.
And it's yours, my dear Marquesa.
All yours.
Mine? Heh.
How kind of you, Rufus.
It must be worth a fortune.
It is.
But why try to put a price on it, my dear? Could you put a price on the sense of loss that a certain amorous fellow might have suffered? Someone who was naive enough to expect a beautiful young aristocrat to keep her promise and join him in a villa off the Adriatic? Rufus, that was long ago, and there were reasons, good reasons.
Yeah? I don't want to hear them.
Where's that worthless games director of mine? Here, sir.
At your beck and call, Mr.
Kraus.
May we get on with the games? A-a-all right, everybody, let's play Thimble, Thimble, Where's The Thimble? That is, of course, if the rest of you feel like playing.
Yes.
Of course.
Certainly.
No, no.
It's okay.
Okay.
I found one! I found one.
I found a thimble.
How exciting.
I found a thimble.
Mister Ambassador found a prize too.
Agh! A needle.
All that from a needle? Of course, if it's a poisoned needle.
Well, that shows how much you know, whoever you are down there.
Count Zendar ran his aristocratic little pinky on a needle all right, but it was not poisoned.
I'm sorry to say.
Well, if it's not poisoned, what is it? I won't tell you.
It was a sedative, you ninny.
I had it made up specially for this party, but it's quite harmless.
He'll come to in a half an hour or so, and be the same pompous jackass he always was.
Well, whippoorwill.
If you can manage to come out of your trance, why don't we get these games going again? Certainly, Mr.
Kraus.
I-it's fun and games time.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, now we're going play Drop the Handkerchief.
So if everyone will line up, and Pardon, madame, it is getting late.
Excusez.
Yeah, since I am so tired, I will turn in too.
Lady, you got the right idea.
All this "la-dee-da" has plum tuckered me out.
Well, what's the matter with all you sunbeams? Lost your appetite for fun and games, have you? It's a party, blast you! Now, come back here and play.
You hear me? My Come here and look at this.
It's a ruby.
Is it a real ruby? Fit to grace the pale hands of the mogul of Delhi's bride.
Well, now, maybe we can get the games started again after all? Well, things being what they are, no sense spoiling the party by going to bed.
Yes! Please, let's play some more.
Well, now, the next game is going to require a little skill.
You see, you all have to have a spoon.
Well, get them the spoons, No-Fun.
Now, once you have the spoon, you take it and put it in your mouth.
The wrong ends I know what you may be thinking, gentleman.
But I'm engaged to the woman who has this room.
You make mess of room.
Now, I make mess of you.
On your mark, get set, go! Stop him! Stop that man! How dare you leave this party, sir? Who is he? That's Dr.
Raker.
What? Aha.
My old friend, Dr.
Raker? Well, come here, Theobald.
Closer.
So these old eyes can feast on you for a change.
I, was beginning to feel a bit faint, Rufus.
I thought perhaps a glass of your excellent port Quiet, now.
Closer, I said.
How the devil do you do it? Well, it must be at least 10 years since I last saw you, and you haven't aged a day.
What the devil is your secret of eternal youth? Well, it's really very simple, Rufus.
I always give in to my baser instincts.
Well, so do I.
I've been doing that for as long as I can remember.
It hasn't helped me stay looking young.
Hide-and-seek.
Hide-and-seek, now.
Everybody's going to play hide-and-seek.
And you, Theobald, are it.
No, no, no.
No, Ruf Yes, on second thought, that's an excellent idea.
Wonderful.
Turn down the lamp.
Now, scatter everyone and hide, hide, hide.
You wake up now, bodyguard.
No-Fun, where am I? Furnace.
Basement.
You make mess.
Now you cook.
Ha-ha-ha.
When steam goes to pipe, bars get red hot.
This old Shimbodo hand-torture cage.
You like? No, I don't like.
Pretty soon you sorry you fight with No-Fun.
No-Fun, I don't have time to play with you.
Make the time.
You no go no place.
Cook all night.
Goodbye, bodyguard.
Now we can open our little eyes.
I think everyone's had plenty of time.
Ti What? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Yes.
Here he comes, everyone.
Ready or not, here he comes.
Where are they hiding, Raker? Where will they be? Now, don't make any noises, any of you.
You hear me? Shh! Shh! I'm trapped! Help me! I'm being smothered! Agh! Help me, someone! It's all right.
Listen, it's all right.
It's all right.
I'm right here.
There's no danger.
Glory be.
Look.
Turn the lamps on.
Look, everybody, I found a fur cape.
A real beaver cape.
Your beaver cape happens to be sable, Miss Novak.
Pearls before swine.
Sable.
If I worked in the shop 200 years I could never afford a fur like this.
And it's all yours, Cinderella.
Now do you see the sport of it, Raker, Play on, play on! Let's keep the games going, now.
Keep the games going, you say? May I point out one of the byproducts of your little games, Mr.
Kraus? Count Zendar is not just taking a nap in there.
Lola? Well, whatever you do, don't hide in a cabinet.
What happened? The door is jammed.
Well, hang on, will you? I'll have you out in no time.
What are you doing in that thing? I'm trying to get out of this thing.
Miss Cortez, could you push that handle down, please? I'm sorry.
I-I don't like this party.
I don't care how many prizes I win.
I'm leaving.
That's the most sensible idea of the night.
Come on.
What a terrible way to treat a lady.
There we are, playing hide-and-seek, and And look what happens.
I step into this big chest to hide and the next thing I know I land in the basement.
And what makes things worse, is you don't even pay any attention to me.
I thought you wanted to get out of here.
Well, I Come on, let me help you.
Gold! Gold! Look, it's gold! I hid in here like Ali Baba, and I found it filled with gold! Fill your pockets with it, you fool.
May it bring you more peace of mind than it ever brought me.
Here, look at this.
Falls back too, I'll wager.
You think that's something? You ought to see some of them traps them Apaches can set.
I'll settle for that.
Line up, players.
Time to play Riding to the Hounds.
Over here, dear.
Now, you take your little horsey and you try to catch the fox.
Well, she's been in here before.
How'd you get here? This house is honeycombed with secret passageways.
They all end here.
It figures.
Artie, I found the black box, but the vial was gone.
Raker must have had an accomplice waiting for it.
Any idea who that might be? I got him! I got the little varmint.
Hey, there's something wrong with this goldarned animal.
Well, what do you mean? Why, there ain't no dang prize here.
It's just an old hunk of hide.
We'd better lay it on the line with Kraus and tell him who we are.
We better search this entire house, Artie.
And what if he's Raker's accomplice? Gonna have to take that chance.
We're running out of time.
Young man, you're being very foolish about this.
You can shoot your yap off.
You got a bracelet and she got a cape.
Everybody got something but me.
I didn't win anything yet either.
Everyone, you must stop your bickering now.
Pay attention.
Now, Mr.
Kraus has a little announcement to make.
Short and sweet.
I wouldn't dream of interrupting your party because I know what it's like not having fun.
You see, when I was a boy, I never had any fun.
You know why? Because I never wanted to.
I was too busy making money to bother about what those other fools called fun.
And I made a lot of money.
Yeah.
And then I had my own kind of fun.
Some of you know about that, Can you guess why you're all here tonight? All right.
I'll tell you then.
Every one of you is in my will.
Yeah.
That's nice, isn't it? Yeah.
Well, I picked you very carefully.
We are bound together, you and I, by mutual bonds of avarice, my friends.
Avarice and deceit.
And that makes it good, you see, because you're all down for handsome amounts.
There's just one catch.
Only the living will inherit what I put down for them.
You get that? But, Rufus, we are all living.
But for how long, my dear Marquesa? In this group, for how long? Which makes it the best game of all.
Corpses don't qualify, you hear? Survivors will divide up everything.
Cute game, isn't it? It's an open invitation to murder.
Isn't it beautiful? All right, No-Fun, get me up.
And now I am going to blow out the candles on my cake, and you, my dear friends, are going to sing "Happy Birthday" to this old codger.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Artie, give me five minutes, then you'd better meet me upstairs.
Right.
Terrible thing to happen to that nice old man, wasn't it? Old skinflint deserves it, hornswoggling me like that.
Don't you agree? Mr.
Kraus.
Listen to me, Mr.
Kraus.
My name is James West.
I'm a Secret Service agent sent here by President Grant.
Grant? Bah.
Sir, I realize you may not have voted for the president, but this whole country is in danger.
How? Somewhere here in this house Get him, No-Fun.
I think it's No-Fun.
Can't see without my glasses.
You fight now! Ha-ha, that's the way to hit him.
That's wonderful.
Hoorah, boys.
Hoorah! That was a fight to do Do my heart good.
Now I can sleep.
Jim, the other guests are going to be nosing around here before long, I'm afraid.
Good, that's just what we want them to do.
I have a feeling someone's trying to get rid of those people, Artie.
My suspicion says it's Raker's Confederate.
Now, we've got to get him to force his hand.
Yeah, but our bloodthirsty host is Artie, he'll be sleeping it off in the next room.
You.
No more games, Mr.
Kraus? No more games? But we are all in the mood and having such fun.
Surely, sir.
But now that you've recovered from your little indigestion Confound it, you heard me.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's a pack of idiots making noise while I'm trying to rest.
Now, stop all that.
It's nothing but nonsense anyway.
I want all of you to go back to your rooms and get some rest yourselves.
Now! Before midnight? But Mr.
Kraus, that doesn't sound like you.
Is that so? Well, maybe I'm a different person.
Maybe I've had a change of heart since I almost blew my life out down in that room down there.
Maybe I I've seen the light, as the saying goes.
Ha-ha-ha.
You see? Y-y-yes, sir, I see.
I just want all of you to live long enough to inherit my bequests, that's all.
Mr.
Kraus.
I've heard of noble things, but I just think Stop right there! Nobility has nothing to do with it.
Something completely different.
Something I've just found out.
I've been saving it for last to tell you.
One of you down there is a murderer.
Mr.
Kraus, your sense of humor.
Shut up! I've sent Dr.
Raker for my lawyer and the police, and when they get here, I'm going to cross that murderin' scalawag right out of my will and turn him over to justice.
Now, I want all of you to go back to your own rooms until I send for you.
You hear? Well, don't waste your time looking at me.
I'm not the murderer.
I'm going right up to my room and lock myself in.
Now, ladies, rest easy.
This child has lived through scalping parties and murderin' renegades.
There's nothing to worry about while I'm here.
That is precisely what I am worried about.
How's the old boy doing? He's sleeping like a baby in the next room.
Artie, I have a feeling long after you and I are gone, he's going to be very much alive and kicking.
Heh-heh-heh.
I knew it would force his hand.
Of course, any good yogi can hold his breath and stop his heartbeat for a brief period of time.
I'd say Dr.
Raker's one of the outstanding proponents of the art, wouldn't you, Jim? Easily.
He certainly had us fooled.
Now, where's the vial? Well, I've hidden it downstairs.
It's perfectly safe from you.
You listen to me and listen good, doctor.
In 15 to 20 minutes, that culture will explode that vial.
Unleashing a plague the likes of which the world has never seen before.
Now, come on, Raker, while there's still time to do something about it.
Hoh, really, gentleman.
Heh-heh.
That's about as ridiculous as Well, as that shotgun aimed at your backs.
All right, my dear, you may show your pretty face.
Congratulations, sir, on your imitation of my husband.
Aha, Mrs.
Raker.
I shall take that as a compliment.
It all would have been so perfect if you had only left us alone.
Kraus put a few little booby traps into his games, but you should have seen the ones that we added.
Why, by morning, there wouldn't have been a single person alive.
And then, as a result of spontaneous combustion, of course, a fire would just happen to break out, destroying all the evidence of the night's work.
Since you're going to inherit all of Kraus' money, you have the vial, I assume you think you can control the world.
Think? Heh-heh.
I will control it.
Come, my dear.
Come.
Heh.
Move, gentlemen.
Farewell.
Dispose of them.
Get the vial, Artie.
Quick! Listen to me, Raker.
You'll never get away with it.
Heh-heh.
But, you see, I am getting away with it.
Then you won't have the time.
Almost done.
Got it.
Got it.
There's only two minutes left.
If we don't destroy that vial right now, we're all going to die.
Theobald, it It's getting hot.
What do you mean? What if he's telling the truth? You better believe it, Raker.
It must be some kind of a trick.
Raker! Jim! Artie.
Yeah? I really have to compliment you on your choice of restaurants.
Well, thank you.
If we're handing them out, those lovely twins.
Where did you find them? They were beautiful.
They were beautiful, weren't they? Indeed, they What's that? I don't know.
The Encyclopedia of Party Games.
Listen to this.
"A little something to help you at our next party, Rufus Kraus.
"