Two and a Half Men s04e05 Episode Script

- Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother you wanna go out and grab some dinner? - I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
- Why not? You got a date I said knowing the aswer but asking anyway just to be polite "No I don't have a date," he replied all the while thinking: "Bite me you boozed bufoon" - So why can't you go? - Are you kidding? I'm paying alimony to two women.
I dont have money for luxuries like eating out.
or eating in, really.
I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.
- That's allright.
I'll treat.
- No, you've done too much for me already.
Yeah but it's not like I'm keeping a tab 26,382 dollars to date.
Exactly, so so I need to start carrying my own weight.
Wich is actually getting easier now that I'm wasting away.
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
- I'm not feeling sorry for myself.
I'll find something here to eat.
Maybe some scrambled eggs and a popsickle.
Fine.
See you later.
Allright.
I'm only gonna ask you one more time.
- Would you like to have dinner with me? - That depends.
Where are we going? Oh, for God's sake! - What? What, I don't even get a vote? - No, you don't get a vote, you get a free meal.
If I was one of your dates, you'd ask where wanna go.
You're right.
So where do you wanna go, baby? That's very funny No no no let's get someting hot in you and some hot in here.
Knock it off! - Gee, you smell good - You know what? Ok, ok.
I'll just stay here and have a popsicle.
Oh, you'll be gettin' a popsicle.
Fine.
Ok, You pick the restaurant.
Thank you.
How about sushi? Uh not a big fan.
That's Judith.
Keep thinking! Jake, your mother's here.
Hey, that popsicle - Hello.
- Hi.
Yeah, he'll be right down.
Do me a favor and take'em both.
Hey mom.
Hey honey, would you wait in the car, please? - Who's in trouble, me or dad? - No one's in trouble.
It's you.
Judith, if you gonna chew my ass off, just know I'm planning on having it for breakfast tomorrow.
No, you didn't do anything Alan.
I just, uh I want to let you know that Boy this is awkward You remember I was dating Jake's pediatrician.
Yeah, yeah, Melnick.
What about him? Well, we started seeing each other again and it's serious.
Oh.
How serious? He asked me to marry him and I said yes.
Wow.
I I don't know what to say - I guess congratulations.
- Thank you.
Just wanted to let you know before we told Jake.
Sure, sure.
I appreciate it.
It's kind of weird, isn't it, I mean So many years together It's hard for me to think of you to marry somebody else.
- Still, I wish you the best.
- I know you do.
Thank you.
- Well, bye.
- Bye.
Five, six, seven, eight No more alimony.
No more alimony Subtitle by LaDa Two and a Half Men S 04 E 05 "A Live Woman of Proven Fertility" You know what problem with sushi? You mean besides eating it with you? It's all feshy and flappy and wet.
Feels unnatural against my tongue.
- Hey Allan? - What? I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.
Oh, stop it.
Now Speaking of marriages, the next time we go out to dinner it'll be on me.
Because with Judith getting married agan I'll have Five, six, seven, eight No more alimony.
No more alimony Hey dad.
What are you doing here? How did you get in? - Rose let me in.
- Hey guys.
How was dinner? Forget dinner, what are you doing here? Keeping Jake accompanied.
But if you let him in you'd have to be here before him.
Well, yeah.
But if Jake hadn't shown up I'd be gone by now and you'd never know I was here So what? You just waltz in and make yourself at home whenever I'm out? That's not true.
Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.
Wait a minute Let's go back here.
- Jake, why aren't you at your mother's? - I ran away.
Sometimes you're in the shower.
Rose, please.
Why did you run away? Because I hate it there.
Is this about the upcoming nuptials? It's nothing to do with puberty, dad.
It's about mom getting married.
- I thought you like Dr.
Melnick.
- That was when they were just dating.
Nowadays they can tell me what to do.
He's not my father.
You don't do what I tell you what to do.
Yeah, but mom doesn't care about that.
Alan, if I'd just interrupt for one second How do you keep getting in? I've changed the locks three times.
Yes, but you didn't change the locksmith.
I could recommend somebody.
- Goodnight Rose.
- I replace everything I eat.
- Goodnight Rose.
- You know how I do it? I keep an exact duplicate fridge in my house.
- Goodnight Rose.
- By the way we're out of popsicles.
Allright.
I'm gonna call your mother.
She's probably worried sick.
She's probably in the hot tub with Dr.
Melnick.
How did you get here.
You steal a car or something? How could I steal a car? I'm twelve.
New kids these days.
No imagination - I took the bus.
- In L.
A.
? At night? Even safer stealing a car! So, what's your plan? Where are you headed.
I'm gonna stay here.
Oh, you can't stay here.
- Why not? - Because you're running away.
Away according to the dictionary means not here.
It's usually preceeded by the words far far or in your case: "Go".
Come on.
Why can't I live with you guys? Oh Jake, do you have any idea how much I have to clean up my act when you're here on weekends? What are you talking about? I see you drink, gamble, you have strange girls sleep over.
Drop in unannounced on a wednesday, and you'll be scarred for life.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Your mother's crying.
Good.
- Don't be mean to your mother! - You're mean to your mother.
My mother can take it.
She actually feeds on it.
Anyway she wanted to tell you that she loves you more than anything.
and that she and Dr.
Melnick aren't gonna get married, until you've had time to adjust to the idea.
Well then they are never married cause I'm never gonna adjust to it! - Five, six, seven - Shut up! You know I'm a little surprised at you.
I would think you would want your mom to be happy.
Hey! She can be happy all she wants.
I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad.
Why not? Cause I already have a dad.
And he's already a jerk.
Alright buddy.
I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy but I think it's something that you're old enough to understand.
You can do better than me.
Way better.
Did you know that I'm not even a real doctor but Dr.
Melnick is.
- So what? - So what? Are you kidding? He maks more money than I do.
He can buy you better presents than I can.
Don't underestimate the value of having a prescription pad lying around the house.
- Charlie! - You know, someone gets sick.
or bored.
- But I only need one dad.
- And you'll only have one dad there's nothing that says you can't call him dad and me Alan.
We still know who's who.
I'm getting a little misty Forget it.
I'm never gonna like him.
May I suggest you try a more shall we say practical aproach.
Jake, how much does your mom give you for allowance? Ten dollars a week.
Ok I'm gonna write down some figures here and you tell me to stop when you see a number that makes you feel a little warmer towards Dr.
Melnick.
I was so worried about you, don't you ever do that again.
- Thanks for bringing him back.
- No problem.
- Jake, isn't there something you wanna say? - No.
I love you Dr.
Melnick.
Come on honey, let's get you to bed, you've got school in the morning.
Hang on.
Night dad.
See you Alan.
Night buddy.
Boy, he's really warming up to you.
Yeah.
Listen.
.
If you and Judith ever discussed putting Jake on any sort of medication? Why, what do you got? No, no we haven't.
Why? Well, I mean one minute he hates me, the next minute he loves me and those kind of a moodswings just aren't normal.
Oh, no.
Don't worry about that.
That's not an emotional problem, that's more like a kind of - Charlie? - We paid him to like you.
- You what? - And it costs less than you might think.
But that's a good thing, a bribable child is a controllable child.
Plus he's not too bright so you can lie to him all you want.
- Charlie? - Oh, come on! Until he was ten I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money.
Hey, speaking of swizzle sticks have you guys considered eloping to Vegas? - No, we haven't - No, I know what you're thinking.
Tacky.
But actually it isn't.
It's classy and very romantic.
Yeah, and some of the hotel rooms have those big mirror walls.
It's like watching your ass bob up and down in I-MAX.
I think I actually put things on hold for a little while.
Why? You Love Judith, don't you? - Of course, she's a great woman.
- How's the sex? It's a little personal, isn't it? Hey, I didn't ask wich way you point her.
Just wanna make sure you two kids are compatible.
Oh! Well there's no problem in that area.
See Alan? It was you.
That's me.
The original one pump chump.
So I hear.
The thing is I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather.
Oh, sure you are.
You'll be terrific.
Right Charlie? Trust us, as long as there's food in the fridge and money in your wallet, you'll own the little pecker.
I think he was exhausted, he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
Another plus, sound sleeper.
Yeah, nothing wakes the kid up and I've had some real screamers at my place.
It's getting a little late, I'd like to go to bed.
Why don't you do that? Listen, fatherhood is no big deal.
Truth is with the internet and everything they practically raise themselves.
Alan! You go ahead honey, I'll be in a second I don't know I think I just need some time to get used to the idea.
No no no, don't think about it.
Parenthood is like sky diving.
- You just gotta jump out of the old plane.
- And get sucked in to the old propeller.
A propeller of Love.
Hey, Listen.
Why don't we go out and talk about this over a couple of beers Oh, no thanks, I really enjoy spending time with you fellas, but - I don't really drink.
- That's okay.
Neither do I.
Well ok, sure.
- I just tell Judith that I'm leaving.
- That's Ok I'll tell her.
- Judith, we're leaving.
- Good.
Let's go.
First wife and I tried to have kids but didn't happen.
And when she got sick and passed away I didn't think I'll ever have a family.
- Oh, that's so sad.
- Yeah.
Who was shooting blanks? You or her? Cahrlie, that doesn't matter.
What matters is that he's starting fresh with Judith.
A live woman of proven fertility.
What good does that do if he's packing a starters pistol? - I'm fine - You hear that? He's fine.
Jake can have a little brother.
That would be a blessing from heave, wouldn't it? - Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
- Then wear a condom.
Besides Jake is used to being an only child.
If there was anyone he would probably eat it by mistake.
So Herb, you haven't touched your beer.
Oh, like I said I'm not much of a drinker.
Then we need a drinking game.
How about this: Each time Alan shoots me a dirty look, we all take a drink.
Oop, here we gooo Jou guys are great guys.
I love you guys.
You know why? 'Cause you're great.
You know, Herb, I wish more women held their liquor the way you do.
Thanks.
I would like to propose a toast.
- To Jake.
- Ah, Jake's great.
- And to Judith.
- Absolutely.
Judith's great too.
And your upcoming marriage.
Ah, sure, what the hell.
You know what I never had? A second beer? - No.
A bachelor party.
- Me neither.
Thanks to my brother.
Oop, bottoms up! Hey, why don't we make this your bachelor party, you know? One last big blowout with your friends before you get married.
But my friends aren't here? What about us? We're your friends.
We wish you well, right Charlie? Well.
Oh, come on, what do you say? I don't know, I mean This is a bachelor party Wouldn't be a couple of strippers? - Charle? - I'm on it.
He's gonna make a great stepdad for Jake.
Yeah, whatever.
And with the alimony I save I can go out to eat every night in restaurants.
And I'm not talking early birds special I can eat when it's dark out with people my own age.
Hey, did your cellphone have video? Yeah.
Why? Observe.
What are you doing? Just in case he decides to back out of the wedding.
- That's blackmailing.
- So? I like it.
Hey, Herb.
Attaboy.
You dumb bastard.
No it's Judith.
Why is she calling me at this our? Hello? Of course, it's me.
Who are you expecting? Oh, my God.
This is Herb's phone.
Herb is in the bathroom.
Yeah, we're just having a couple of beers and get to know each other.
Well with all due respect Judith, before we got married I didn't drink either.
Hey, there's no call for that kind of language.
What, I'm sorry I can't hear you.
I think this phone is unnin out of atteries.
I aid this one is unnin out of atteries.
Good bye udith.
You think she bought it? If she did, she's upider than u.
Excuse me fellas.
Can either of you cash a check for me? - Why? - I'd like to tip the ladies.
No, forget the tip, we gotta get you home.
Why would I go home when for an extra He got a point Allan.
Herb, listen to me! Your fiancée is worried about you.
Oh, right.
Golly, she's gonna be pretty PO-d.
It's OK.
She doesn't need to know.
That's right.
She doesn't need to know.
Can I borrow 300 dollars? What are you doing? Call it a wedding gift.
Are you crazy? I gotta get him home.
- So take him home.
- What are you gonna do? I'm thinking maybe I'm going all around the world.
God knows I've racked up on a frequent flier miles.
Herb? Herb? Herb? Charlie, you gonna have to help me take him home.
Charlie? - You have a key? - No, I don't have a key.
- Maybe he's got a key.
- You wanna go through his pockets? Not particularly.
Maybe we'd just leave him on the porch ring the bell and run.
He's not a bag of flaming dog poo.
No, that was Judith first husband.
Oop, dirty look, where's my beer? Allright, I'll go through his pockets.
Ah, Judith.
What the hell is going on? That was close.
No, it wasn't close.
Close is when you get away with it that was nowhere near close.
Allright allright.
It doesn't matter.
He had a good time, he's gonna marry Judith and I'm off the hook for alimony.
That's true.
- Hey, Alan? - Yeah? You did erase the video from the cellphone, right? Oh boy.
It would be really stupid if I didn't.
Yes, It would.
Hey Herb! Attaboy.
You dumb bastard.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
And you.
Ok, this is one root beer and one orange soda.