Weird Science s04e05 Episode Script
Phantom Scampi
You make man? No.
Woman.
MONSTER: Woman? [MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts, and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! No heart of gold-- just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! Enemy target, 1 o'clock.
Easy, Wyatt.
This baby fires some serious mojo.
You sure these guys deserve this kind of unholy vengeance? Yeah! [TOILET FLUSHES.]
[MEAN LAUGHTER.]
BULLY: Hey, man, that was fantastic.
[WHIMPERS.]
Yeah, they deserve it.
Eat hot zappage, jock straps.
[SIZZLING.]
[CONFUSED YELLING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Look out, RuPaul, here comes the defensive line.
Oh, I wish Gary could have been here to see this.
Oh, Gary would have loved this.
Are you sure he's going to be OK with those shrinking pills? Well, as long as he doesn't take more than two at a time, he'll be fine.
[HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH.]
Oh, we gotta try the Drag-o-Matic out on Chett, right? [ZAP-WHOOSH.]
Huh? Another water gun commando bites the dust.
[BELL RINGS.]
We'll discuss the terms of your surrender in my office.
Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Oh! Ooh! What a rip.
That tyrant gives me two weeks' detention for possession of a squirty weapon.
In fairness, the thing does shoot 8 terawatts of concentrated genie hoodoo.
What happened? I'm ding hard time in detention hall unless I get some help here.
So what, you want to be back on Scampi's A list? That wouldn't suck.
Easy enough.
[ZAP.]
Another gun? What's this one do, bikini waxes? It shoots buddy darts.
Nail somebody with one, and whammo-- instant best friend.
Time to put the "pal" back in "principal.
" [PEW.]
Wyatt Donnelly? Did you just shoot a sticky dart at your principal? [HEART BEAT PUMPING.]
(IN SLOW MOTION) Surrender your weapon.
No! [PEW.]
[ZAP.]
Huh? Good shot, pal.
Hey, what do you say you and I hit the loading docks for a quick smoke? Uh, uh, I-- I'd like to, sir, but I don't smoke.
And you gave me detention, remember? Detention? Did I do that? [LAUGHS.]
What a hard-ass I was.
Hey, let me make it up to you.
After all, we are best friends, aren't we? You like Armenian food? [BELL RINGS.]
Smooth ride, huh? I just had those bearings repacked.
Nice action, sir.
Hey, I just remembered.
Uh, you have Mr.
Pilate for Chem, right? Yeah.
Well, a little birdie tells me that you've got a pop quiz on the periodic table tomorrow.
Better study.
Or don't.
I'll just change the grades.
Hm? Huh? What are those? Pre-signed hall passes.
Knock yourself out.
Cool! Oh, what to do? I know.
How would you like to make an announcement on your principal's private PA system? Wh-- what do I say? Oh, wait, wait, wait! I got one.
[FEEDBACK RINGS.]
Attention, please.
Would Paula Sparks please report to my pants? [LAUGHTER.]
Good one! Hey, you want to give each other nicknames? Uh, sure! What you got? Well, you can call me Buzz, and I'll call you Tex.
No, uh, Rusty.
Scooter! [BELL RINGS.]
[MUSIC - HARRY NILSSON, "BEST FRIEND".]
[BUZZ.]
PRINCIPAL SCAMPI: No student has ever seen what lies behind this door, Wyatt.
WYATT: What is all this stuff? PRINCIPAL SCAMPI: Confiscated contraband.
and rubber dog poop.
It's all here.
It's, uh-- wow.
And now I give it all to you.
LISA: Look at all this loot.
WYATT: Yep.
Being buddies with Scampi's paid off big-time.
Oh, hey, look, a Game Boy! Were we ever this young? ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bite me.
[LAUGHS.]
This is great.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bite me.
Bite me.
[LAUGHS.]
Lise, it's not that funny.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bite me.
CHETT: (SHOUTING) Wyatt? ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bite me.
[ZAP-WHOOSH.]
What the hell? Is that a potty mouth key chain? I love these things.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: You're stupid.
Well, it's not really a good one.
That's my butt hat.
That's yours? Yeah! I'd recognize this butt anywhere.
Ooh! Still fits like a glove.
Where the hell did you get my butt hat from? This was taken away from me 10 long years ago by my old enemy, Assistant Principal Scampi.
[GIRLS TALKING.]
CHETT: [SNICKERING.]
Butt-da-da-dum.
Butt-butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt-butt, butt.
Butt-butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt-- oh.
These butt-infested waters are safe again.
I believe you know the way to detention hall? Scampi.
Scampi ruined everything.
If you want to live, you'll talk.
Where'd you get this? Uh, Scampi's office.
He's got this vault.
The vault? You've seen the vault? Think carefully, now.
Did you see a Mr.
T wig? A what? A Mr.
T wig, pus baggie.
Did you see a Mr.
T wig? Uh, yes! Yes! I-- I saw it, I saw it! Thanks.
Oh, that wig will be mine again, and I pity the fool who gets in my way.
Huh? Guys, you clearing out? What's going on? Yeah, right.
Hey, buddy.
You like the surprise? I'm giving you this whole row of lockers.
Spread your stuff out a little.
Oh, hey, Wendy.
You looking forward to the Primus concert? That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I'm taking somebody else instead.
Why? What did I do? Well, you're Scampi's little pal.
It's not exactly cool.
I-- I'm not his pal.
(SHOUTING) Hey, Wyatt! What do you say we build a tree fort this weekend? We can use my contractor.
Heh.
Have fun at the concert.
Hello, traitor.
Harvey, what's the deal? Don't play dumb, Donnelly.
Someone from inside the Computer Club has been leaking access codes? And you think it's me? Well, you're the only one of us that gets a ride home from the principal.
Consider yourself banned.
Oh, and we're deleting your erotic website password.
[ZAP-WHOOSH.]
That was harsh.
I guess being the principal's buddy comes at a price.
The price of being hated.
How do I tell Scampi I don't want to be his friend anymore? Just be straight with him.
He's a grownup.
He'll get over it.
What did I do? What did I say? Is it that I'm not groovy? Or because I'm old? The guy that just doesn't know how to be hip or mod? You're a principal.
I'm a student.
We weren't cut out to be friends.
It was stupid to try.
I respect your feelings, Wyatt.
I appreciate your candor.
Well, I'm glad you understand.
I'll see you around the school, huh? Yes.
Yes, of course.
Will you need a hall pass? Uh, actually, no.
[PATS POCKET.]
Still got plenty.
I'm glad it all worked out OK.
Well, he was a little upset at first, but I think he got the message.
[MUSIC - WAR, "WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS".]
Huh? Oh! What the-- I tried, Wyatt.
I really did.
But sitting through the Lakers game with your empty season seat mocking me-- there nobody left to have fun with.
What about Mrs.
Scampi? Mrs.
Scampi is the light of my life, and I love the woman.
But she's no substitute for a best buddy, someone to play Frisbee with? Eee! Please, don't take it so hard.
Maybe we could still be friends.
Secret friends.
Hm? Top secret.
Secret friends? Uh, yeah, like President Clinton and Tom Arnold.
They're friends? Nobody knows.
See, we'll still be pals, but nobody at school will have a clue.
Secret friends.
I understand.
Oh, Wyatt! Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Who? Principal Scampi's been missing all week.
You're his secretary.
Why as me? Don't play dumb, brown-noser.
Everybody knows you're best friends.
Now, he must have told you something.
He told me that he caught you clapping erasers with Janitor Jim.
Well, looky what we have here, the principal's pet.
And you know what we do to pets.
We flea-dip 'em! Unhand him! Take that, young buck! Principal Scampi? No longer.
Now I am a steadfast, devoted guardian angel working in the shadowy umber of night, protecting you from entities known-- and unknown.
I am your Secret Friend.
[DRAMATIC LAUGH.]
[BELL RINGS.]
Scampi's flipped out.
What the hell was in that dart? Uh, well, you did ask him to be your secret friend.
He's flying around the school in a cape.
What is he, my super secret friend? Probably just a side effect from the buddy darts.
Exactly how potent was that dart? [SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[FIRE CRACKLING.]
[SHIFTS TO UPBEAT ORGAN MUSIC.]
[SYNTHESIZER BEAT PLAYING.]
[SNAPPING.]
This is serious, Lise.
We're gonna have to hunt him down to keep an eye on the poor guy till the spell wears off.
Let's split up.
I'll meet you back in his office in an hour.
[ZAP-WHOOSH.]
[MILITARY DRUM MUSIC PLAYING.]
Farber High.
Scampi's vault is close.
I can feel it, like a tingling sensation at the base of my spine.
Wait, it's moving.
It's spreading out.
Oh! That's nice.
No.
No, he's out sick today.
Yes, I'm sure.
Look, if he were running around the high jump pit in an opera cape, I think I'd know it.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I need to evacuate you at once.
Nerve gas.
Big spill at the base.
What base? Top secret.
Now move it, lady, before I have you shot.
Move it, move it, move it! [HINGES CREAK.]
Oh my god! Oh! Oh! What's this? I didn't do-- Principal Scampi? I know not this Scampi of whom you speak.
I am the Phantom.
This is about those financial records.
I swear-- Silence, stripling.
It would bode well for you to reinstate Wyatt Donnelly's erotic website password.
Wyatt Donnelly? He is under my protection.
He is my Secret Friend.
[CAPE BILLOWS.]
CHETT: No dope! No drugs! I ain't flying, Murdock.
I pity the fool! I pity the fool! I hate-- you.
[CAPE BILLOWS.]
(SCREAMING) No! [ZAP-WHOOSH.]
Ah-- any luck? Any luck what? Finding Scampi.
Oh, yeah.
I, uh, I've been on it.
Uh-huh? It's just that, uh, everywhere I've looked, he hasn't been.
Uh, where exactly did you look? What's with the third degree? You didn't find him, either.
You're just jealous 'cause you don't have ice cream.
So what now? I have an idea.
When you do find him, you should shoot him with the antidote dart.
The antidote dart? Antidote dart.
You know, the red one in your locker.
We had an antidote dart the whole time? My high school principal was serenading me with a boom box, and you didn't mention the antidote dart? Well, we, uh, can't stand here all day flapping our gums.
There's a Phantom on the loose.
[ZAP-WHOOSH.]
Huh? What the-- argh! [SUSPENSEFUL ACTION MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mmph! Mmm-mmph! Mmph! And then after he stuffed the wig in my mouth, he started singing.
It was horrible! Wait! Where did he go? Down the hole.
The hole? [SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Huh? [HINGES CREAKING.]
OK, Phantom, you got a date with a dart.
Here, buddy, buddy, buddy.
Here, buddy, buddy, buddy.
[CAPE BILLOWS.]
[GASP.]
Greetings, my liege.
You have found my secret world.
From here I am able to attend to your well-being.
It is a bit gloomy, but I find it facilitates my brooding.
Principal Scampi, I've come to take you back.
You can't live like this.
Nonsense! I dwell deep in the bowels of civilization.
Culling strength from the putrid wind that I breathe, I thrive in the cold and the dark and the dank-- [COUGHS.]
[POUNDING ON CHEST.]
[CONTINUES COUGHING.]
[SNIFF.]
I'm sorry, what was I saying? You were thriving in the dank.
Thank you.
And it is in the dank that I belong.
Trust me.
This is for your own good.
[PEW.]
Huh.
Thank you.
That was very helpful.
Listen to me.
It's time to go back home-- back to your job, your family, your life.
But who would look after you? You need me to protect you.
No, I don't.
How-- how can I make this clear? Get out of my life and go back to yours.
I'm not your friend anymore.
[SIGH.]
If this is true, then I have failed you.
That leaves but one alternative.
To go home.
No! To disappear forever, deep into the bowels of the underworld.
Now you're starting to scare me.
I'll lose myself in the maze-like network of the rat-infested sewers.
I will live forever, trotting knee-deep in the raw sewage that runs beneath this wretched city, with the roaches as my brothers and the vermin as my supper.
Ugh.
Well, I'm off! [CAPE BILLOWS.]
No, wait! Oh, ho, I need this dart.
[RETREATING FOOTSTEPS SPLASHING.]
Just had to wear my good shoes today, didn't I? Ugh.
You've got to be kidding.
[WIND WHISTLING.]
Oh.
Scampi! Hold up.
Go back, Wyatt.
This is a dangerous place.
Be a pal.
Don't move.
[PEW.]
[ZAP.]
Thanks again.
Well, if that's all, I think I'll just be on my way.
[CAPE BILLOWS.]
But-- oh, good.
He made it to the sewers.
[SIGH.]
I'm gonna need this.
[WIND WHISTLING.]
[THUD.]
Think something should go my way? D'oh.
[BRIDGE CREAKING.]
[SNAP.]
Oh! [GRUNTING WITH EFFORT.]
[SNAP.]
(PANTING) Oh! Oh.
[SNAP.]
Aaah! Unh! I see where this is going.
[CRASH.]
Ow! [GRUNTING WITH EFFORT.]
Hang tight, Secret Friend.
Whoa! Oh! Gahh! Jeez, what are you, nuts? Sorry, chum.
We phantoms pride ourselves on drama.
[SNAP.]
-Aaah! Unh! [CHUCKLES.]
Like that, see? Look, I know I haven't appreciated everything you've done for me.
But I just gotta tell you, right at this second? I think you're one hell of a friend.
Thank you.
Oh, here.
[ZAP.]
Huh? Where am I? What the-- [GRUNTING WITH EFFORT.]
Goodness lord, we're gonna die! You're hurting my arm.
Let go of me, boy.
You're too heavy.
Let go of me.
Let go! Uh-oh! [ZAP.]
Hang on, young friend.
I'd die before I'd let you suffer harm.
Thanks, pal.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
You sure you just don't want to put an end to the spell? Well, he did save my life.
I can be his friend for 10 more minutes.
Besides, look at how much fun he's having.
Push me, Wyatt! I want to go higher! Yeah-hah! Yee-haw! Hello, flight.
Hello, dank underworld.
Whoo! [MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different, we're making weird science.
Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, I do not know.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions? [MUSIC PLAYING.]
Woman.
MONSTER: Woman? [MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts, and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! No heart of gold-- just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! Enemy target, 1 o'clock.
Easy, Wyatt.
This baby fires some serious mojo.
You sure these guys deserve this kind of unholy vengeance? Yeah! [TOILET FLUSHES.]
[MEAN LAUGHTER.]
BULLY: Hey, man, that was fantastic.
[WHIMPERS.]
Yeah, they deserve it.
Eat hot zappage, jock straps.
[SIZZLING.]
[CONFUSED YELLING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Look out, RuPaul, here comes the defensive line.
Oh, I wish Gary could have been here to see this.
Oh, Gary would have loved this.
Are you sure he's going to be OK with those shrinking pills? Well, as long as he doesn't take more than two at a time, he'll be fine.
[HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH.]
Oh, we gotta try the Drag-o-Matic out on Chett, right? [ZAP-WHOOSH.]
Huh? Another water gun commando bites the dust.
[BELL RINGS.]
We'll discuss the terms of your surrender in my office.
Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Oh! Ooh! What a rip.
That tyrant gives me two weeks' detention for possession of a squirty weapon.
In fairness, the thing does shoot 8 terawatts of concentrated genie hoodoo.
What happened? I'm ding hard time in detention hall unless I get some help here.
So what, you want to be back on Scampi's A list? That wouldn't suck.
Easy enough.
[ZAP.]
Another gun? What's this one do, bikini waxes? It shoots buddy darts.
Nail somebody with one, and whammo-- instant best friend.
Time to put the "pal" back in "principal.
" [PEW.]
Wyatt Donnelly? Did you just shoot a sticky dart at your principal? [HEART BEAT PUMPING.]
(IN SLOW MOTION) Surrender your weapon.
No! [PEW.]
[ZAP.]
Huh? Good shot, pal.
Hey, what do you say you and I hit the loading docks for a quick smoke? Uh, uh, I-- I'd like to, sir, but I don't smoke.
And you gave me detention, remember? Detention? Did I do that? [LAUGHS.]
What a hard-ass I was.
Hey, let me make it up to you.
After all, we are best friends, aren't we? You like Armenian food? [BELL RINGS.]
Smooth ride, huh? I just had those bearings repacked.
Nice action, sir.
Hey, I just remembered.
Uh, you have Mr.
Pilate for Chem, right? Yeah.
Well, a little birdie tells me that you've got a pop quiz on the periodic table tomorrow.
Better study.
Or don't.
I'll just change the grades.
Hm? Huh? What are those? Pre-signed hall passes.
Knock yourself out.
Cool! Oh, what to do? I know.
How would you like to make an announcement on your principal's private PA system? Wh-- what do I say? Oh, wait, wait, wait! I got one.
[FEEDBACK RINGS.]
Attention, please.
Would Paula Sparks please report to my pants? [LAUGHTER.]
Good one! Hey, you want to give each other nicknames? Uh, sure! What you got? Well, you can call me Buzz, and I'll call you Tex.
No, uh, Rusty.
Scooter! [BELL RINGS.]
[MUSIC - HARRY NILSSON, "BEST FRIEND".]
[BUZZ.]
PRINCIPAL SCAMPI: No student has ever seen what lies behind this door, Wyatt.
WYATT: What is all this stuff? PRINCIPAL SCAMPI: Confiscated contraband.
and rubber dog poop.
It's all here.
It's, uh-- wow.
And now I give it all to you.
LISA: Look at all this loot.
WYATT: Yep.
Being buddies with Scampi's paid off big-time.
Oh, hey, look, a Game Boy! Were we ever this young? ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bite me.
[LAUGHS.]
This is great.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bite me.
Bite me.
[LAUGHS.]
Lise, it's not that funny.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bite me.
CHETT: (SHOUTING) Wyatt? ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bite me.
[ZAP-WHOOSH.]
What the hell? Is that a potty mouth key chain? I love these things.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: You're stupid.
Well, it's not really a good one.
That's my butt hat.
That's yours? Yeah! I'd recognize this butt anywhere.
Ooh! Still fits like a glove.
Where the hell did you get my butt hat from? This was taken away from me 10 long years ago by my old enemy, Assistant Principal Scampi.
[GIRLS TALKING.]
CHETT: [SNICKERING.]
Butt-da-da-dum.
Butt-butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt-butt, butt.
Butt-butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt-- oh.
These butt-infested waters are safe again.
I believe you know the way to detention hall? Scampi.
Scampi ruined everything.
If you want to live, you'll talk.
Where'd you get this? Uh, Scampi's office.
He's got this vault.
The vault? You've seen the vault? Think carefully, now.
Did you see a Mr.
T wig? A what? A Mr.
T wig, pus baggie.
Did you see a Mr.
T wig? Uh, yes! Yes! I-- I saw it, I saw it! Thanks.
Oh, that wig will be mine again, and I pity the fool who gets in my way.
Huh? Guys, you clearing out? What's going on? Yeah, right.
Hey, buddy.
You like the surprise? I'm giving you this whole row of lockers.
Spread your stuff out a little.
Oh, hey, Wendy.
You looking forward to the Primus concert? That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I'm taking somebody else instead.
Why? What did I do? Well, you're Scampi's little pal.
It's not exactly cool.
I-- I'm not his pal.
(SHOUTING) Hey, Wyatt! What do you say we build a tree fort this weekend? We can use my contractor.
Heh.
Have fun at the concert.
Hello, traitor.
Harvey, what's the deal? Don't play dumb, Donnelly.
Someone from inside the Computer Club has been leaking access codes? And you think it's me? Well, you're the only one of us that gets a ride home from the principal.
Consider yourself banned.
Oh, and we're deleting your erotic website password.
[ZAP-WHOOSH.]
That was harsh.
I guess being the principal's buddy comes at a price.
The price of being hated.
How do I tell Scampi I don't want to be his friend anymore? Just be straight with him.
He's a grownup.
He'll get over it.
What did I do? What did I say? Is it that I'm not groovy? Or because I'm old? The guy that just doesn't know how to be hip or mod? You're a principal.
I'm a student.
We weren't cut out to be friends.
It was stupid to try.
I respect your feelings, Wyatt.
I appreciate your candor.
Well, I'm glad you understand.
I'll see you around the school, huh? Yes.
Yes, of course.
Will you need a hall pass? Uh, actually, no.
[PATS POCKET.]
Still got plenty.
I'm glad it all worked out OK.
Well, he was a little upset at first, but I think he got the message.
[MUSIC - WAR, "WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS".]
Huh? Oh! What the-- I tried, Wyatt.
I really did.
But sitting through the Lakers game with your empty season seat mocking me-- there nobody left to have fun with.
What about Mrs.
Scampi? Mrs.
Scampi is the light of my life, and I love the woman.
But she's no substitute for a best buddy, someone to play Frisbee with? Eee! Please, don't take it so hard.
Maybe we could still be friends.
Secret friends.
Hm? Top secret.
Secret friends? Uh, yeah, like President Clinton and Tom Arnold.
They're friends? Nobody knows.
See, we'll still be pals, but nobody at school will have a clue.
Secret friends.
I understand.
Oh, Wyatt! Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Who? Principal Scampi's been missing all week.
You're his secretary.
Why as me? Don't play dumb, brown-noser.
Everybody knows you're best friends.
Now, he must have told you something.
He told me that he caught you clapping erasers with Janitor Jim.
Well, looky what we have here, the principal's pet.
And you know what we do to pets.
We flea-dip 'em! Unhand him! Take that, young buck! Principal Scampi? No longer.
Now I am a steadfast, devoted guardian angel working in the shadowy umber of night, protecting you from entities known-- and unknown.
I am your Secret Friend.
[DRAMATIC LAUGH.]
[BELL RINGS.]
Scampi's flipped out.
What the hell was in that dart? Uh, well, you did ask him to be your secret friend.
He's flying around the school in a cape.
What is he, my super secret friend? Probably just a side effect from the buddy darts.
Exactly how potent was that dart? [SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[FIRE CRACKLING.]
[SHIFTS TO UPBEAT ORGAN MUSIC.]
[SYNTHESIZER BEAT PLAYING.]
[SNAPPING.]
This is serious, Lise.
We're gonna have to hunt him down to keep an eye on the poor guy till the spell wears off.
Let's split up.
I'll meet you back in his office in an hour.
[ZAP-WHOOSH.]
[MILITARY DRUM MUSIC PLAYING.]
Farber High.
Scampi's vault is close.
I can feel it, like a tingling sensation at the base of my spine.
Wait, it's moving.
It's spreading out.
Oh! That's nice.
No.
No, he's out sick today.
Yes, I'm sure.
Look, if he were running around the high jump pit in an opera cape, I think I'd know it.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I need to evacuate you at once.
Nerve gas.
Big spill at the base.
What base? Top secret.
Now move it, lady, before I have you shot.
Move it, move it, move it! [HINGES CREAK.]
Oh my god! Oh! Oh! What's this? I didn't do-- Principal Scampi? I know not this Scampi of whom you speak.
I am the Phantom.
This is about those financial records.
I swear-- Silence, stripling.
It would bode well for you to reinstate Wyatt Donnelly's erotic website password.
Wyatt Donnelly? He is under my protection.
He is my Secret Friend.
[CAPE BILLOWS.]
CHETT: No dope! No drugs! I ain't flying, Murdock.
I pity the fool! I pity the fool! I hate-- you.
[CAPE BILLOWS.]
(SCREAMING) No! [ZAP-WHOOSH.]
Ah-- any luck? Any luck what? Finding Scampi.
Oh, yeah.
I, uh, I've been on it.
Uh-huh? It's just that, uh, everywhere I've looked, he hasn't been.
Uh, where exactly did you look? What's with the third degree? You didn't find him, either.
You're just jealous 'cause you don't have ice cream.
So what now? I have an idea.
When you do find him, you should shoot him with the antidote dart.
The antidote dart? Antidote dart.
You know, the red one in your locker.
We had an antidote dart the whole time? My high school principal was serenading me with a boom box, and you didn't mention the antidote dart? Well, we, uh, can't stand here all day flapping our gums.
There's a Phantom on the loose.
[ZAP-WHOOSH.]
Huh? What the-- argh! [SUSPENSEFUL ACTION MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mmph! Mmm-mmph! Mmph! And then after he stuffed the wig in my mouth, he started singing.
It was horrible! Wait! Where did he go? Down the hole.
The hole? [SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Huh? [HINGES CREAKING.]
OK, Phantom, you got a date with a dart.
Here, buddy, buddy, buddy.
Here, buddy, buddy, buddy.
[CAPE BILLOWS.]
[GASP.]
Greetings, my liege.
You have found my secret world.
From here I am able to attend to your well-being.
It is a bit gloomy, but I find it facilitates my brooding.
Principal Scampi, I've come to take you back.
You can't live like this.
Nonsense! I dwell deep in the bowels of civilization.
Culling strength from the putrid wind that I breathe, I thrive in the cold and the dark and the dank-- [COUGHS.]
[POUNDING ON CHEST.]
[CONTINUES COUGHING.]
[SNIFF.]
I'm sorry, what was I saying? You were thriving in the dank.
Thank you.
And it is in the dank that I belong.
Trust me.
This is for your own good.
[PEW.]
Huh.
Thank you.
That was very helpful.
Listen to me.
It's time to go back home-- back to your job, your family, your life.
But who would look after you? You need me to protect you.
No, I don't.
How-- how can I make this clear? Get out of my life and go back to yours.
I'm not your friend anymore.
[SIGH.]
If this is true, then I have failed you.
That leaves but one alternative.
To go home.
No! To disappear forever, deep into the bowels of the underworld.
Now you're starting to scare me.
I'll lose myself in the maze-like network of the rat-infested sewers.
I will live forever, trotting knee-deep in the raw sewage that runs beneath this wretched city, with the roaches as my brothers and the vermin as my supper.
Ugh.
Well, I'm off! [CAPE BILLOWS.]
No, wait! Oh, ho, I need this dart.
[RETREATING FOOTSTEPS SPLASHING.]
Just had to wear my good shoes today, didn't I? Ugh.
You've got to be kidding.
[WIND WHISTLING.]
Oh.
Scampi! Hold up.
Go back, Wyatt.
This is a dangerous place.
Be a pal.
Don't move.
[PEW.]
[ZAP.]
Thanks again.
Well, if that's all, I think I'll just be on my way.
[CAPE BILLOWS.]
But-- oh, good.
He made it to the sewers.
[SIGH.]
I'm gonna need this.
[WIND WHISTLING.]
[THUD.]
Think something should go my way? D'oh.
[BRIDGE CREAKING.]
[SNAP.]
Oh! [GRUNTING WITH EFFORT.]
[SNAP.]
(PANTING) Oh! Oh.
[SNAP.]
Aaah! Unh! I see where this is going.
[CRASH.]
Ow! [GRUNTING WITH EFFORT.]
Hang tight, Secret Friend.
Whoa! Oh! Gahh! Jeez, what are you, nuts? Sorry, chum.
We phantoms pride ourselves on drama.
[SNAP.]
-Aaah! Unh! [CHUCKLES.]
Like that, see? Look, I know I haven't appreciated everything you've done for me.
But I just gotta tell you, right at this second? I think you're one hell of a friend.
Thank you.
Oh, here.
[ZAP.]
Huh? Where am I? What the-- [GRUNTING WITH EFFORT.]
Goodness lord, we're gonna die! You're hurting my arm.
Let go of me, boy.
You're too heavy.
Let go of me.
Let go! Uh-oh! [ZAP.]
Hang on, young friend.
I'd die before I'd let you suffer harm.
Thanks, pal.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
You sure you just don't want to put an end to the spell? Well, he did save my life.
I can be his friend for 10 more minutes.
Besides, look at how much fun he's having.
Push me, Wyatt! I want to go higher! Yeah-hah! Yee-haw! Hello, flight.
Hello, dank underworld.
Whoo! [MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different, we're making weird science.
Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, I do not know.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions? [MUSIC PLAYING.]