Workaholics s04e05 Episode Script

Motherfucking wizards never die - Cool.
- We look cool.
- Yeah, it looks very magical.
- What are you doing? - Sorry.
It's work.
- Nothing.
Why would we even be doing anything? I thought you were watching porn or whatever.
- Wow.
- Ew.
What? Like naked stuff? Like butts? Oh, you thought we were gonna watch, like, a dude gaping out a woman with his penis.
You're disgusting.
- Ew.
- Alice is a freak.
- [Laughs.]
- It's not porno, okay? It's a video that we made for our rap group - called "The Wizards.
" - Sounds lame.
But you guys do know how to edit, huh? Yeah.
We're not old people, so All right.
Here's the deal.
T.
A.
C.
needs a new orientation video, and this company is, like, raping me on the price, but if you guys could do it for less We'll do it for three stacks.
What is that? [Laughter.]
You don't even know stacks? Oh, my There's a generational gap here.
Blake, tell her what stacks are.
Well, I used to subscribe to The Source, so, um, Dr.
Dre once said, "stack is a, like, $50$500.
" - So stacks - So three stacks would be - Yeah.
- You know I'll give you 300 bucks or zilch.
- That's cool.
- Okay, great.
- I'll email you the script.
- Great.
Cool.
- Dude - Nice! - This is gonna be fun.
- Hey, stack of cash.
- Great.
All right! - Stack.
- Let's watch that other video.
- Yeah.
- The other video.
- Here we go.
Ooh, man.
It's like she's playing jazz music - with that gentleman's penis.
- Yeah.
Jazz ja-ja-jazz ja-ja-jazz Why do they call that dude the Scatman? [Splash.]
Ew! All: Oh! This is incredible.
Lookit The script says the word "synergy" like 11 times.
Synergy.
What is that, like The devil's energy drink? - Aw.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah! That was good, right? I didn't like it.
Also, Ders, could you back the fuck up with those cam glasses? First of all, they're called "spyfocals.
" Second of all These bad boys are going to chae the way people see movies.
Finally, the audience will be able to see what man sees! How man sees, you know? All right.
All right.
- Easy, Jim Cameron.
- Yeah.
I'm pretty sure they already used that P.
O.
V.
style in porno.
Street blow jobs.
You've seen it.
We've seen it.
- We've watched it together.
- I love it.
Hey! You guys said you needed lighting for your movie, so I brought a lava, strobe, black light.
- Oh.
- Hell, yeah.
None of those sound very helpful.
- Spyfocals? - Yeah.
Oh, my God, you guys are shooting - POV pornog, huh? - No That's what we were just saying.
No, no.
Don't tell me.
I love surprises.
Okay.
I shouldn't have to say this.
We're not filming a porno.
Well, we might have to, because I don't want to shoot Alice's dumb, stupid script.
It's really dumb.
It's really stupid.
I think we should do our own original idea, man.
Okay, yes.
No.
We're gonna do our movie.
Not Alice's.
Not a porno.
- Okay, well - But we're gonna take it to T.
A.
C.
People'll be like, "Gh, my God.
You guys made that?" And we'll be like, "Yeah, stupid.
" Next step, Sundance! - Whoa! - Ooh.
Where chicks ski down mountains with their boobs out.
- True story.
- That's a real thing - that happens.
- At Sundance.
I heard Sandra Bullock got carpal tunnel syndrome from ski-poling the Coen brothers.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's you know, you know that action.
Like - Sundance.
- Yeah.
Cool three-way.
That's at Sundance.
That's cool that it's, like, - a film festival.
- Yeah.
I always thought it was, like, a dance that you took your mom to, and I did that.
I've already been there.
- I've done that.
Junior prom.
- No, no.
- It's not that.
- My mom gets low, dude.
She's got a body on her.
- My mom's body fucking rules.
- Yeah.
So it's two best friends, and one has been wrongly imprisoned.
- That's cool.
- But the movie is really about the wife banging all the friends And that is another porno! Dang it.
Look, we just gotta think of something that stands out A story about people.
Like, what about, like, a A documentary? Like Super Size Me.
- You saw Super Size Me? - Oh, no.
Mm-mm.
But when that movie came out, they cancelled supersizing, so I started getting a number one and chicken selects.
But when they went back to supersizing, so did I.
And now my body was addicted to the selects, therefore transforming my tight, slender, taut bod into this monstrosity! Just want to rip you off! Want to rip you off! You stupid fat! Stop, man! You're gonna bruise it again.
You know that.
- Stop.
- I hate myself.
I hate myself and my body, but I think that this can reverse the effects, right? Okay? And it can be about health foods that dudes like to eat, such as hot dogs.
We could call it a "dog-umentary.
" - [Laughs.]
- Exactly.
They have all the carrots inside of them that the cows ate, making them super, ultra nutritious, right? They're made from cow buttholes.
I will eat 1,000 hot dogs in one week, finally answering the question, "are hot dogs as healthy as they say, or are they just okay for you?" - Nope.
- No.
Sounds stupid.
Dumb.
An hour of that? Oh, Blake.
That sounds stupid? How about we do a documentary about your tiny-ass dick? - Oh! - Hey, man.
Come on, dude.
I don't take it personal.
- It is wildly small, though.
- Stop, man.
That's not a bad idea.
No, it's crazy small.
How have you gone your entire life with such a small penis? - That's a story.
- Yeah.
That's a good question.
- Like, you're a survivor.
- No, no, no, okay? No.
- Boom! Size does matter.
- Size does matter.
Karl wants to cut his dick off.
- Huh? - Hmm? - What? - Yep.
We got really drunk last week, and he told me that.
- I'm sorry, Karl.
- Uh, Karl.
Your boy's saying that you want to cut off your penis.
I mean, for 25 years, I've been a slave to my peen.
It rules over my brain and makes me do dumb stuff.
All I can think about every day is what time's my next cum, and to tell you the truth, I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of living cum to cum, so, yeah, guys.
I mean, I want it gone! I want my fucking dick gone! - You're 25? - You look 45.
Yeah.
You look horrible.
- Really? - So if you really wanna go through with this surgery, Karl, this could be an amazing documentary, and if I can, I would love to help in any way.
- Really? - I feel we should really go for the 1,000 hot dog idea that I have, 'cause it's smart, uh, it's real, it's educational.
I mean, if it'll help you that much, I'll do it.
This is exactly the spark I needed.
I'm gonna cut my dick off.
No.
You can't just cut your dick off.
It's not just a A wart.
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Why not, man? I mean, it's Karl's dick.
You don't get to choose what he does with it.
- Thank you, Blake.
- It's his dick.
Okay.
When you're born a bro, you're a bro for life.
I'm bro-life, and I'm sick of you bro-choice guys.
Okay, just sh We'll make both movies, okay? - How about that? - Well, in that case, - yeah, boy! - Yeah.
Hey, Karl.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, man.
I am so sorry about, you know, telling those guys that you wanted to chop off your hog.
Kind of threw you under the bus there.
- Threw your dick under the bus.
- Dude, it's all good.
- We're gonna make a movie.
- What are you gonna do with it after you, you know, slice it off? I don't know, man.
I mean, I guess I'll just barbeque it up and feed it to my dogs.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but, uh, what if, um [Laughs.]
You know, let me know if this is too weird.
You know, "hey, Blake, go back to daydream world with that idea," uh [Laughs.]
Blake You can have my dick.
You're serious? I'm so serious.
[Both laughing.]
- I'm gonna get a new dick! - Yeah.
- Gonna get a new dick.
- I want that one! - I want it! - [Laughing.]
It's yours.
I want it now! I wish I could have it now Oh, no, no, no.
Keep going.
- Uh - I'm telling you.
A dick swap between friends is the new subject of this documentary, and we're gonna win a moon man.
- Are you recording? - Oh, yeah.
&so let me just get this straight, though.
We're gonna chop off Karl's knob, and we're gonna attach it to Blake's mound.
- Yup.
- Friend of the year over here.
Seems insane, right? I'm in.
It sounds fun.
Hey, doc.
Why don't we, um, just get a little background on who you are? - And just talk to my face.
- Okay.
I'm widely considered by me to be the only sex-change expert - in all of Rancho Cucamonga.
- Yup.
I've got some pretty high-profile clientele, including, but not limited to, the stunt women from Rizzoli & Isles.
- Oh! - Wow.
Let me check my schedule here.
Okay.
You know what? You guys lucked out.
Looks like I got a An opening next Friday.
Well, Friday after work That works for me.
- Friday? That's hecka soon.
- Okay, doc.
I'm about to be wildly famous for eating 1,000 hot dogs in one week.
- That sounds highly dangerous.
- Highly dangerous.
Everybody keeps talking about how highly dangerous it is! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Adam! - What is it? - I'm out of here, man.
I'm out of here, man! I'm sorry about Hey, guys, just kidding.
It's ketchup.
I put ketchup in here.
[Laughs.]
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Yeah.
Wow.
You can't buy that kind of adrenaline.
That guy really gave me a gift right there.
- Oh! - Oh, dang it.
I'm so sorry.
- [Laughs.]
- Hey.
Hey.
Um, you dropped this.
Did you [Both laugh.]
Oh! Wow.
You've really got something there.
You really got something there with That body, girl.
[Both laughing.]
- What? - I don't know.
Does Friday seem a little bit too soon? Maybe we should get some other, like, opinions or whatnot.
That dude seemed a Just a little bit shady.
Karl, are you kidding me? The guy is a pro, plus the camera loves him.
- For real? - No, he seemed drunk to me.
All right.
You see that hot assistant chick? She was totally into my raw dogging.
- She was hot.
- Not condom-less sex.
I mean, like, me physically eating raw hot dogs.
- Right.
- All that hot dog mud.
I need to reload My God! It's a Christmas miracle! It's all working out, Ders! Ooh, this doc is all working out.
Roll the glasses, baby.
Adam.
Shut up on set.
Karl! Get back here, man.
We got you a new scene.
What do you mean "shut up on set"? We got another scene.
Come on! There's a hot dog stand right here.
This is like a it's a It's a miracle.
What are we do okay.
Yeah.
Follow the dick-less loser.
All right.
Sure.
Okay.
I'm gonna go low.
- You guys just walk in.
- Okay.
- What is this place? - Whoo! It is a dog-eat-dog world, baby.
How much for all your dogs? Half stack, quarter stack? - What we talking stack-wise? - What the hell's a stack? What is a stack? It's like, um Blake? You're joining us now at the Na San Thai massage parlor, where our friend Karl is going to get Come on.
Going to get his final hand job.
Let's see how he's doing.
Psst.
Hey, buddy.
- Hmm? - Hey.
How are you? Good.
She's gonna Jack me off.
- That's awesome.
- Yes.
It's extra to watch.
- No, we're good.
- Yes.
You pay extra.
- That's just that's bizarre.
- There's my guy.
Mmm, slurping it down, my baby.
Line me up.
Four more doggies.
Naked, no bun.
Let's do this.
You just ate four.
I've eaten 97.
You're gonna see me enter the century club.
That's not healthy for you, kid.
Okay, you know that's You're a hot dog vendor, man.
You should be, like, on my side.
Hot dogs are healthy, okay? Just 'cause, like, cows, they eat carrots, and I eat hot dogs, therefore I'm gonna have the type of eyes that eagles have! And you're out of ketchup.
Jeez, man! Learn how to run a business.
Luckily, I brought my own.
Take what you want.
Take whatever you want! I mean, it's like nobody respects the healing power ot dof hs! Wh what what specifically are you going to do with your juicy new dong? Definitely wash it every day with caress daily silky body wash - [Mouthing words.]
- And, uh - Yeah, and a loofah probably.
- Mm-hmm.
Which has always been a dream of mine, but, you know, it just would get kind of lost in the bubbles.
- [Moaning.]
- Oh, it sounds like our good friend Karl is about to bust his last final nut.
- That was quick.
- Why don't we join him Hey, um, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I could have swore I heard you say something about washing my penis with something called a loofah? Yes, and caress daily silky body wash.
- Nice, nice.
- Silky, yes.
Oh oh, okay.
Now, see, Blake, that's where we're thinking a little different.
You know, you can't wash my penis.
It's never been washed.
It doesn't respond well to soap and water, all right? It's very well seasoned, like a cast-iron pan.
If anything, you just put a moist towel on it and then hit it with a lot of sand.
Oh, no.
I'm I'd never do that.
I'm not washing m My dick with sand.
No! You're gonna wash my dick with some sand.
Right, but we're talking about the future now when it's on my body, so it's my dick.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's still on my body, Blake.
- Is everything okay? - Jodi, back off! All right? He's gonna ruin my dick! - He's gonna wash it without sand! - It's not his dick.
It's my dick! Jodi, what'd you do back there? Pull his brains out of his ass? Oh, no.
It's extra! Jodi, stay out of it! [R&b music.]
I've been lookin' for a lover, baby just like you just like you now I Ders, you got to film this! Hang on one second.
Ders! Oh, really? Well, why don't you tell me how you're gonna self-sex yourself then? I'm probably gonna cut a little hole in a seedless watermelon, microwave it for 30 seconds, and fuck the shit out of it.
You don't bang fruit! - That's not gonna - Ders, Ders, Ders, Ders! - Ow.
- I need the spyfocals out here.
Oh, my God! I'm out there just gobbling dogs like a champ, right, and then that hot assistant Adam, stop! I'm not filming you anymore, okay? This is the movie.
Your movie sucks.
This movie's rad.
I'm filming them.
I got some tension building, so just sit down or something.
[Siren wails.]
Uh-oh.
Not a real gun.
Do you have an exit in the back? Hey, guys.
I'm sorry about that back there.
I've been thinking about it a lot, and I would like to be part of this half of the film as well.
I did some research online, and I kind of want to show you how the surgery's gonna go through a visual demonstration that I'm gonna show the both of you for the documentary.
- Cool.
- All right.
Okay.
- Adam's on board.
- All right! This is great, man.
I'm part of the team now.
- I'm gonna roll on this.
- Okay.
This is you right here, and I gave you a big ol'penis.
- [Laughs.]
- I gave you a big one, and here's what you're gonna want to hope happens.
One quick snip, and your penis is off, and then and then you put it on Blake, but that's not usually what happens.
What's going to happen, more than likely, 'cause I've done my research The doctor's drunk, right? He comes in.
He's just like, "let me get a little" "Oh, gosh.
Oh!" And he's slipping, and the anesthesia hasn't kicked in fully.
- Oh, my - So you're feeling it all, and he's like, "oh, no! What's happening?" And inside your brain's just going, "oh, God! "He's cutting my penis! "Oh! He slit the side of it! Oh, it's all n Now the doctor's freaking out, right? The doctor's freaking out.
"I got to hide the evidence!" - Oh, no.
No.
- No, it's not gonna get You he's don't listen to him.
- Your dick gonna get chewed.
- Hey! Hey! Don't you dare listen to this bro-life propaganda.
I don't know, that could happen.
I did my research.
It's poppycock is what it is.
I don't even know.
I don't know anymore.
I mean, I-I don't even know if I'm bro-choice, dude.
You can't back out now, man! All right? I've already made so many plans with the new penis, all right? I've already got an appointment over at sears.
I'm gonna take some very, very tasteful nudes, and I don't want to jinx it, but they might be our Christmas card.
You got a choice to make.
You either keep your dick, or you keep your friend.
- You pick your dick.
- I don't know.
How am I supposed to decide that? - Think about it! - You make what? - Keep your dick.
- Karl, here's $100 from our budget, if you do it.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- Thank you.
That's great.
$100.
Have you ever seen this amount of money in your life? Best of luck in there, pal.
Thank you, Ders.
Thank you.
No.
Thank you, Karl.
I can't wait to have Your dick.
You're gonna love it.
First day of the rest of my life.
Okay.
So you know that I don't - support this in any way, right? - Yeah.
But I really hope you don't die on me, man.
Thank you, Adam.
I'd like to get hard for one last time.
- Yeah.
- Makes sense.
All right, boys.
Let's give him a little space here.
Mom from Home Improvement.
Mother from Home Improvement.
Oh, she's so freakin' hot.
Oh.
Wow.
Holy moly.
Jill Taylor.
She'll chub you.
Hidy ho, patients! Karl, you're fully prepped.
Let's get you into surgery.
Okay.
Dead dick walking! - You can back out now! - It's gonna be yours.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
I've been looking for Oh, you're rough.
I like that.
[Shrill laugh.]
Oh, my God! I can't believe this is happening.
This is real life right now.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
I go everywhere Dr.
Johnson goes.
Ah, well, how about we go where my Dr.
Johnson is? - [Laughs.]
- In my boxer briefs Except for I'm not wearing any right now, 'cause I'm out of detergent, so I didn't even do any laundry.
God, as soon as I met you, I knew we were gonna be sucking each other's [Bleep.]
.
Totally.
Oh, wait.
Oh, hold on.
Wait.
Sucking each other's I-I'm one of Dr.
Johnson's patients as well as his assistant.
I'm female to male transgender, so I haven't gotten my boobs removed yet, but downstairs, it's New Dick City.
Yeah! New Dick New Dick City? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
New Jack City.
I love that movie, but I don't know if I would see new dick city as a film.
I don't know if that's up my alley 'cause, you know, I'm not into I'm not into dudes.
Oh, I the way you were eating those hot dogs, I just It was a homosexual way to eat hot dogs.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
- I just thought it was, like - Wow.
Just trying to protein-load.
I-I really thought you were into me.
I'm into you.
Like, as a as a bro.
We are bros.
We are friends.
- Okay.
- Since these are going away, you mind if I just get a Just a bro bro squeeze? Bro, go for it, bro.
- As a dude.
- Mm-hmm.
- As a bro thing.
- Totally.
- It's a bro thing.
Wow! - Yeah.
Those are squishier than I remember.
- Yeah.
They're squishy.
- Yeah.
It's been a while since I've jiggled one.
Dude, check this out.
I'm editing the scene right now that's going to get us into Sundance.
Awesome.
Awesome.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I already have my threesome picked out.
- Uh, Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Nice.
Olivia Munn - Awesome.
- And Manny Pacquiao.
Wait, that's three people.
What are where are you? Oh, I watch.
My man.
All right.
Why don't you watch this? I'm telling you, it's awesome.
You're such a great penis, but I promised you to my braj.
And don't you give him no lip now, okay? Wave to your daddy now.
[Crying.]
Point to your daddy now.
Now just go on, now! Get! Just go on, now, get.
[Dramatic music.]
I'm cuttin' my dick off Wait! Don't cut this man's dick off.
Well, I was halfway through, but I guess I could sew it back on.
Yeah.
Do that.
Ladies, let's turn this train around.
Give me a set of tweezers.
Let's reattach this man's shaft.
Luckily he had a muscle tissue of a howler monkey.
Hey.
Huh? Is it done? Well, why don't you go ahead and touch your crotch-less wasteland? No.
What have I done? - What did I do? - Hey, buddy.
It's okay.
Just go ahead and reach down and grab your groin.
No.
I'm touching it.
I'm not touching it! Trust us.
I still have my boy muscle? You still have your boy muscle.
That's fucking sick, but, Blake, what about your baby penis? You know, all you guys, you like me for me, and I'm sure I'll find a girl out there who likes what I have.
You know, she'll probably have a tiny little pussy.
[Laughs.]
- Not a baby.
- Ew.
Yeah.
- That's what I was thinking.
- He was.
He was.
And then he caught himself.
No.
I wouldn't do that.
Of course not.
That's illegal.
Also, I'd like to make an announcement.
- I'm bro-choice.
- Get out of here.
What? Why come? Why come not? Who cares? Shut up.
Get off my back.
- Okay.
- I'm just bummed now that we don't get to, like, do our documentary.
Well, I mean, we have to give Alice something.
Might as well film her script.
And remember.
When you're here All: You're family! You didn't totally blow it.
Thank you.
I think we did a pretty good job, but there is a part we left in at the end that I want to just turn it off before we get there.
No.
We're gonna watch the whole thing.
- No, I - So I finally jerked off for the first time since the surgery, and the ejac just came out of the side stitches.
It looked so cool.
I've got to show it to you.
- What? - What the Our bad.