Workin' Moms (2017) s04e05 Episode Script

1 KATE: (GASPS) Hi, Sweetheart! Good morning, my little baby! Good morning, Sweetie.
Oh! How did you sleep? Did you have good dreams? I bet you Jesus Christ, Roger! Why didn't you close the door? It all happened so very quickly, Kate.
Disgusting.
Aren't you trying to teach your kids how to use the potty, hm? It'd be helpful to see a big boy doing his thing, hey? Hello there, sweetie, hello! Ah boy.
Charlie, you want some peanut butter on your toast, honey? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? He can do it on his own, right? - Nothing wrong with him, hey? - He's only four.
Yeah, so? Wanna try it, hey, Charlie? Like a big boy, huh? Come on, show them.
That's it, come on, Charlie, you can do it.
Uh-oh! All right, you know what, just give me this.
Just let - Just stop it! - But-but No, no, no! Will you just give him a chance? You know, you'll break my heart if he grows up - to be a little pussy.
- Excuse me? Is that a nice thing to say about your grandson? I'm sorry, but it's out of love.
At some point he's gonna have to learn to do things on his own.
You better watch it, or before you know it, you'll be spreadin' his 40-year old ass cheeks to wipe his ass.
Alright, you know what? That is enough, Roger.
Thank you.
Nathan, sidebar? Yes.
Yep.
- Unbelievable.
- Good job.
- I knew it.
Unbelievable.
- ROGER: There is nothing wrong At the risk of sounding dramatic, I am in hell here.
I know, I know, we've gotta get them outta here.
Like, yesterday! What is the plan, Foster? I've done some research, and I've looked into some options for community living.
Community living, what, like, a home? More like a nice place for seniors to argue amongst themselves.
Far away from us.
Well, they can't afford that, and neither can we.
- (GLASS SHATTERS) - ROGER: Oh, crap.
See? Pussy.
- We'll get the money.
- I will sell my hair.
- You're up early.
- Yeah, I got promoted.
To line cook.
The stupid dishes can wash themselves.
That's great.
So when are you gonna come by the restaurant? How's today? I was actually trying to find a place to take Sean, the donor dad, for lunch.
Well, this place is pure class.
You know, people tuck in their shirts, they frickin' shake hands after meals, they got folders.
- That sounds awesome.
- What's the occasion? Just taking some matters into my own hands.
Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can.
Bye.
(DOOR CLUNKS, SLAMS) FORREST: Is that my best friend, Charlie? Oh hey, Forrest.
Seriously, he's my best friend.
He understands me, and you know what, - he doesn't judge me.
- That's very sweet, but I'm actually in a rush.
Do you mind just taking him? - Yeah.
- That would be great.
Come on buddy, we're late! Let's go make some pottery.
So much fun! Bye, guys! Bye, Charlie, have a good day, honey! - No way.
- Way.
Just a couple of parents dropping off their kids at camp, huh? So how's it going at the shop, Kate? - Good! - Mhmm? You know, a little chaotic, a little more work than I can stay on top of, if I'm being honest, but, you know, a bit of a one-woman show.
- Vagina monologue, starring me.
- Oh, good lord.
Sorry about that.
Um, I just could really use some help.
Someone like you.
You free? (RICHARD CHUCKLES) No seriously, are you free? Are you really trying to offer me a job like this? I mean, what would you say if it was? I'd say it was poorly thought out, and unprofessional.
Sure, no, that makes sense.
A mistake.
Well, it was good to see you, Kate.
- You, too.
- (ENGINE TURNS) - (CAR RUMBLES OFF) - (SIGHS) (TRAFFIC RUMBLES) Choo choo, Carlson! Hey Alice, when are you gonna train next? You uh, you training for something? Please drive.
All aboard! Are they making fun of my car? Or was-or was that sexual? Hey! That better not have been sexual! - Or about my car! - Dad, please, let's go.
(BOYS LAUGH) (ENGINE TURNS, RUMBLES) - (JAYME BUBBLES) - Yeah.
Okay, could you please set the table, and I'm gonna go get her bath started.
What's for lunch? I don't know, but seeing plates on the table will pressure me into a decision.
(SIGHS) (TAPS KEY) (KEYS CLICK) (NERVOUS EXHALE) (CLICKS) (WOMAN SCREAMING, MAN MOANING) - (WOMAN MOANING LOUDLY) - (TURNING VOLUME DOWN) (SIGHS) (KEYS CLICK) Shit! Shit! (KEYS CLICK RAPIDLY) (COMPUTER WHIRS) No, no, no, no, no, no, no! (COMPUTER WHIRS, BEEPS) (GASPS, SCREEN SLAMS) I wanted to invite you here today to apologize for occasionally being possessive of Bianca.
We're navigating uncharted waters, you know? Well, no, I totally get it.
It's weird.
The whole thing is weird.
- It's okay.
- Yeah.
Ah sorry, would you excuse me for just one second? - Yeah.
- I'll be right back.
Okay.
Oh shit, you really came! You can't be back here, though.
Don't want one of your long-ass hairs in the bouillabaisse.
Okay, see that busboy? He just took Sean's glass off the table, I need you to get it for me! I can get you a clean glass, you weirdo.
No, no, no, no, no! I'm trying to collect his DNA.
Why? I don't think he's really Solomon's father.
If he's a bullshit artist, I'm gonna prove it.
With science! Bro, say no more, I got you.
- Really? - Sit down.
I got you.
SEAN: So how's your daughter doing? - It's Rhonda, right? - Um.
Yes, that's-that's right.
How old is she again? Ah, ah.
You know, children are just such a blessing.
And can I say what an honor it is to help bring some more into the world.
It's Rhoda, actually, and she's she's four.
She's four and a half.
Oh, Rhoda.
Aaaah! Suck it! Su-(GASPS) What the hell just happened? (KNIFE CHOPPING) (COMPUTER KEYS CLICK) That's weird, it's not turning on.
- Is it charged? - Yeah, it's plugged in.
- (COMPUTER CHIMES) - Oh, there we go.
(COMPUTER WHIRS) "Welcome, set up your new computer?" What the fuck? - Where are my files? - I'm sure it's fine.
(KEYS CLACK) Something happened.
Did you touch my computer? Alice.
Where is my book? Did you save it to the cloud? No, I didn't save it to any kind of a cloud! Alice, please tell me you know where my book is.
I'll eat cold food for a year.
I'll never leave the house.
You can-you can take my phone, whatever you want! Why aren't you yelling? Please say something.
So, we're trying to strike a balance here between high performance, and relaxation.
- Preach.
- But it's not health food, right? - It's still a weed beer.
- Right, still weed beer.
Okay, so Après drinkers are people who achieve big things, but need to turn their brain off.
Right, like, what does Elon Musk, or Olympians do to unplug? Yeah, how do the champions chill? (GASPS) Yes, love it.
- No, I don't like that.
- No.
Uh, how do the legends let loose? Hmm, yes, that's it.
- Ugh, I hate that.
- I hate it too.
Wait.
"How do the greatest minds unwind?" (GASPS) (LAUGHS) Oh, I like that.
"The greatest minds unwind.
" Ouf! Let's get an athlete.
Oh, well, now that you're on board, we can get the ball rolling.
Yes, approved! Alright, Kate.
Take all the time you need with this.
- Great! - Okay, and just get me all the materials as soon as humanly possible.
Boom! - You got it.
- Good work! - Hey.
- Oh! - Mr.
Greenwood.
- Ms.
Foster.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Mhmm.
You know, if you've come to ask my son's hand in marriage, you should know that this morning, he asked me "how much taxes cost".
(LAUGHS) So that would be your problem to explain.
Yeah, no thank you.
I'm actually here to make you an official offer.
Hmm see, the thing is, Kate, I already got a pretty good gig.
Ah.
I know what day the bagels show up on the coffee cart.
My assistant knows how to talk to my wife.
- Hm.
- Why would I jump that ship? Well, I think you just said it.
The best part of your job is bagel day? Do remember the time you closed down the Bayview Extension for a downhill ski race? You know I still get hate mail about that.
That is the kind of mayhem you can pull again, at Kate Foster PR.
I don't think you can afford me.
How about you let me worry about that.
- (EXHALES) - Look, I'm working with Admiral on their new weed beer.
Weed beer? I gotta class up their image before they launch.
Make it sound like it's not just for stoners and idiots.
- That's right.
- Give it an air of elitism.
You know, executive relaxation, that kind of thing.
- Look at you go.
- Admiral, that's no joke.
What direction are you going in now? They wanna make a sponsorship deal with an athlete.
I don't currently have one on board, but I happen to know that you know plenty.
(SIGHS) I have to think about this.
This offer expires in 24 hours.
Really? Unless you need 48.
I could probably do that.
Mr.
Greenwood.
Ms.
Foster.
Did it ever occur to you that I might have already done a DNA test and a background check, before you decided to scalp someone in a restaurant?! Dude, is she like, a cop? I'm not, but I wasn't gonna let a complete stranger contribute to my son's education fund without first checking him out! I'm sorry, I I'm not following.
I opened an account in Solomon's name and Sean's already contributed $5,000.
Is that enough to earn your trust?! Are you nuts?! You hardly even know this guy! Who knows what he wants! Bianca! In case you want it.
So I mean, community living gets like, a bad rap, but this place is kinda awesome.
Okay.
Um, you were saying something about room service? Well, each bed has a panic button that alerts a nurse.
So that's like a kind of room service, right? Dear God! - We hear that a lot.
- (ELEVATOR DINGS) - Give it! - Buzz off! - Oh.
- Right this way.
This is our Games Room.
It's very popular.
One of our residents, Edie, has gotten very into "The Sims.
" She put a toilet in the living room.
So we had a good laugh about that.
(LOUDLY) Do you like games, Mr.
Foster? This an old folks home! Well, we're all young at heart around here! Yeah, where do you keep the coffins? Oh, we don't keep any on site.
Uh, I don't think.
So here is a brochure that outlines our various packages.
Thank you.
Wow, these rates are very good.
- This is all-inclusive? - Mhmm.
It even includes Seafood Tuesday.
(LOUDLY) Do you like shrimp, Mrs.
Foster? - Okay.
- Is he serious? You bet I am.
We cannot leave them here.
This is a full-on nursing home.
Well, I'm sorry, did you not hear the thing about Seafood Tuesday? Because that is a deal.
Kate, they're still my parents.
I know, I'm sorry, this place is a nightmare.
Maybe there's another option.
Cable, wi-fi, laundry, dishwasher, ac, gas stove, the works.
- There's a nice view.
- Mhmm.
Of a parking lot! I'm sorry, Nathan, I can't do this.
I mean, the smell of the mildew in this place is nauseating.
It smells like goat stew.
Yeah.
Look, I think you have to see this as an opportunity for a fresh start, Grampa Roger.
I mean, this place can be anything you want it to be.
But I'm perfectly good in the spare room at your house.
LYLA: Roger, don't be a bastard.
You gonna let your wife bully your parents like this? - We're trying to help you.
- Hmm, don't think I don't see what's going on around here.
She's pulling all the strings, and you're too much of a pussy to stand up for your mother and father.
Maybe that's where Charlie gets it from, huh? - Dad! - Ah, here we go.
Don't you dare blame Kate.
You played fast and loose with your home and savings, so you don't have a say.
Now we're letting you live in this very nice apartment for free, and the only reason that's even an option is because of Kate's salary.
So you're gonna live here.
And maybe start showing a little gratitude.
That's it! Do you understand? Do you understand? (RELUCTANT EXHALE) Yeah.
Good.
Don't fuck with pussies.
Okay, come on.
You can do this.
You remember everything.
(SIGHS) (COMPUTER CHIMES) Alice Carlson sign-up sheet? (TRAIN WHISTLE BLARES) LIONEL: Look at her go! Daughter of the year.
Nailin' it! Are you being bullied? - What is this "sign-up sheet?" - Mom, relax.
It's just a joke.
What kind of joke is "Anita Bustanutt?" (LAUGHS) Sorry.
Can you stop going through my stuff? - Who made this? - This is so you.
It's just supposed to be funny, and you're making it weird.
Then what are they signing up for? Ugh! You don't get it! So I don't know what this sign-up sheet is, but it is not a joke, she's lying to me.
Without question.
I just feel like I'm losing her.
Listen, being shitty is her job.
Yours is to make sure she's the right kind of shitty.
Stop worrying about what Alice does, worry about why she does it.
Well, how am I supposed to pull that out of her?! You don't.
If you want a squirrel to become your pet, you don't corner them.
You leave tiny little trail of nuts to the cage in your bedroom.
(MAKES CHITTERING SOUNDS) (MAKES SOUND OF LOCK LOCKING) (MAKES CHITTERING SOUNDS) What what I'm saying is, - let her come to you.
- Okay.
If you smother them, they'll punch another hole in your drywall, and then have sex with that same hole.
Jesus Christ! By the way, is this outfit you taking my advice? I take it back.
I know you're not talking to me right now, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
(WATER SPLASHES) - What you did today was - Totally fucked.
But I-I'm jealous, I see how you are with Sean, and I, I just-I don't wanna be replaced.
If Solomon has two parents, where do I fit in? - He's not a parent.
- You really checked him out? Yes! He got a speeding ticket last year.
That's it? And he was arrested at a student protest 15 years ago.
He saw a cop try to tase a lady, and he jumped in front of it.
- He tased himself? - Hmm.
Oh, well then, I really want to contribute.
You don't have to do that.
But I'm gonna match his donation.
No, I'm gonna beat it.
You're doing this right now? Mhmm, $5,001.
Sent.
Password: "ponytail.
" - That's not funny.
- Well it kinda is.
(KATE LAUGHS) You were very hot today.
- Really? - Yeah.
Almost worth all the money we're spending just to watch you lay down the law like that.
- Well, that's a plus, I guess.
- Mhmm.
I can't believe I'm never gonna see your dad shit again.
(MOANING) That is not the image that gets me in the mood.
Meet me in the bathroom in few seconds, and keep your clothes on.
It's called dressed shower sex.
I read about it online.
It's like being trapped in a monsoon, - like, in a sexy way.
- Yeah.
You gotta use your imagination a little bit, but it's like, picture we're like, shipwrecked, you know? - Okay.
- All like, cold and wet.
You know, or like, "The Notebook!" Remember "The Notebook?" Like, those two were big-time in love, right? - Yeah.
- But also, soaked to the bone.
This is kind of gimmicky.
- Yeah.
- But I'm in! - Yeah, right? - I'm in! - Are you into it? - I'm-I'm in! Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, I'm like a mermaid, who like, got beached, and you're like Eric, you're trying to drag me back to sea, drag me back, drag me back.
But my tail's too tight! I'm King Titan Ariel! - No, no, don't be my dad! - Oh.
- Let's move on from this one.
- Okay.
It's like, "The Shape of Water.
" I'm like a, I'm like a sexy fish monster.
Yeah, and I'm like the mute janitor.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
Look at my mascara, is it running? I'm like a wet rat that needs to be punished.
I wanna punish this wet rat.
I'm gonna come in there and punish you, you wet rat.
Get in here, what are you, an exterminator? Yeah.
Mmm! (BOTH MOAN) (CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh shoot, sorry.
I'm so sorry.
You can't leave me shipwrecked, here! I know, I know, I know, no, keep it alive! Keep it alive.
When you're ready, I'm right here! - Mr.
Greenwood.
- RICHARD: I'm in.
You are? Hell, if you really think you can take me on and still stay afloat, how could I turn that down? I will make this work, I promise you.
And I got you an athlete, Chris Gomes, the basketballer.
Let's talk tomorrow, okay? Looking forward to it.
- Oh, Kate? - Yeah? My desk can't be anywhere near Rosie.
I completely understand.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So uh, which Mr.
Greenwood was that? Oh, uh, Richard.
I um I may have hired him.
And offered him a good chunk of my salary.
You what? Uh, do you want to get back in the monsoon, or like we could try the rat thing again? No one's coming.
Well