Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s04e06 Episode Script

Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! Oi! Is this your mother? - Let me handle this.
- No.
I know her.
I said, is this your mother? Well, let me see.
One white paw? Yes, that looks like her.
She's been in our kitchen for two days.
Let me do it.
You should look after her better.
I could report you.
She always finds her own way back.
Poor old woman.
Thank you! - Come on, Leigh.
- Will you be all right, love? Leigh, we can't keep her.
Well, you shouldn't feed her! I can't believe she lives this close.
We'll have to move.
I found them, dear.
- Who? - Madonna and Guy Ritchie.
It's not Madonna.
Get in the house! Get back in the house.
Get in that house! Help! Help! Take the bloody photos and go out again, you stupid old woman! Don't come back till you find them! - Was that Gran? - Yeah.
I'm sending her out again.
- Mum! - I need Madonna and Guy Ritchie.
They might drive by sooner or later.
They live in the area.
And they'll see you washing the car, and become best friends? Darling, I just want to be in Madonna's inner circle.
I want to huddle around her cool flame with all those other over-excited girlfriends of hers, and hear her words of wisdom.
Lo, she has spoken! "Cowboy hats is back.
" I'll tell you something, if the car washing doesn't work, I'll put the house on the market.
I know she's still looking.
She'd love this kitchen.
What's happened? - My business has folded.
- What? Oh, yeah, darling.
Down the pan and flushed.
I mean, we've severed an artery.
I'm haemorrhaging clients at such a rate that death is now imminent.
But Madonna, darling Madonna could just be the little tourniquet, sweetheart.
- It can't be as bad as that.
- Can't be as bad as that?! Most of them have gone to Claudia bloody Bing! She lapped them up like a vampire, sweetheart.
I mean, honestly, if it goes on like this, I might be left - listen - I might be left with Twiggy and Alcospray.
And by the look on Twiggy's face just now, Twiggy's a bit like that.
I mean, it's a disaster.
Come on, Mum.
You always survive somehow.
Not any more, darling, not now the world has changed.
There was a time when I was out there.
I was hip.
I was dangerous.
The zeitgeist blew from me, sweetheart.
I could pick up the lunch buzz at Momo and fly with it.
The more money you spent, the more you made.
It was money on a loop.
But not any more, no.
Not any more, sweetheart.
Thanks to New Labour.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes, darling.
The eternally grinning, funless world of New Labour.
All that hope, all that future, darling, but once the party's over, you're still standing in the shit.
Nobody wants new things any more.
It's retro, retro, retro.
Darling, we are skidding backwards into the 2000s on a slick of apology, and that's not a world that thinks I'm great! - That is not the reason.
- It is.
Well That and the fact that Bubble - Oh, here we go - No, wait.
Bubble pushed the wrong button and emailed all my personal and business letters to my address book.
The whole world now knows my business.
That might have helped Claudia Bing a bit.
Pull yourself together and deal with this.
It can't be that bad.
Not that bad?! I've got a P.
R.
Company with no clients and a T.
V.
Company with no programmes! What's the good news, Shirley Temple? - Hello! - Hi, hi! Just here to say that later today we'll be leaving.
There is a god! The Kaballah didn't work out for us so we're going home To have a rethink.
There are plenty of places the stars go to find God.
God is now a dot com and the stars are filling their baskets.
No, Bo.
Just leave it.
You should spend more time at home.
I am not a Hollywood wife.
I can't do the meet and greet with a howdy smile.
I am not Candy Spelling.
We don't have a present-wrapping room.
I hardly recognised you just normal like this.
Everybody's got a crowd of people inside them.
I act out each one, yet I am myself.
"I am never alone, I am with myself.
" Jane Fonda - Oprah, series four, show 97.
Oodbye and good riddance.
You won't be missed! Oh, bless you for your honesty.
- Give me your hand, pretty lady.
- No.
Shut up! Saff! What can't be said can't be said and it can't be whistled either.
Come on.
Let's go see some sights.
Maybe we can stop by Jerry Hall's house.
Hold up, my little bonsai tree.
I know you have dreams of running with the redwoods, but you wouldn't last a second.
Mum, instead of hanging around here, go to the office.
Darling, I am in the office.
We're having a TV conference brainstorming meeting.
If I can get that side up and running I might be able to flog it.
But why can't they hear me? Hello? Sorry.
Is this game shows or general interest? - I don't know.
- But it's your idea.
Did I have an idea? Whose pet is this? - Whose pen is this? - That's good.
- I like that.
- Keep it, then.
What's in my pocket? Where am I? Whose hands are these? Why are we here? Why can't they hear me? Hello? Hello? And where's Katy Grin? She should bloody be there.
Do you want me to sort this Bing woman? - Always the hard man.
- I'll have to go to the office now.
Eddie, you need some fun, darling.
Let's do something.
Let's go to Harvey Nicks and have lunch at obu.
- Haven't done that for ages.
- I'll clear my desk.
- Mum! - I've got to have a life! Work should just be the little side salad.
Hello.
Alex? This is the mood board for the next edition.
- Sex.
Bitch.
Aristo.
- Punk.
- Sex.
Punk.
Whore.
Bitch.
- Prossie.
Prossie.
Lessie.
Punk.
Tart.
- Slut.
- Slut.
Oh, but Alex? With lovely shoes.
Oh, yes.
Lovely shoes.
There we are, darling.
Ooh, a little bit tense there, Eddie.
Relax, darling.
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Eddie.
- What did you do? - My arm.
- What have you done? Oh, my God! You've broken it.
- No.
It's all right.
- She can't have broken it.
Eddie, just get my bag.
I've got a few painkillers in there, darling.
- Where is it, darling? - Is it this? - Oh, that's the one, darling.
- Oh! Stop it! You need to go to hospital.
No, no.
I think I can do it.
I just go I'll get a bandage! No.
It's just a little break.
These things happen.
But, darling, you weren't doing anything.
Just the choppety chop.
Last week I cracked my ankle just putting it into a Jimmy Choo.
You need to see a doctor.
You need to have some tests.
- No, it's all right.
- I should take her to hospital.
No.
I just need a drink.
Mum, I will deal with this.
Go to work now! I should have seen this coming.
Saffy, Saff.
Saffy.
Saff, darling.
- Come on.
- Oh.
I know I'm late, so don't look at me like that.
I've been up all night with the baby.
I don't know why it cries so much.
I've got friends who used the same sperm bank and theirs is perfect.
Right.
Ideas! Give me names, faces, formats.
- A quiz! - With questions.
Personalities, celebrities.
Donna Air, Cat Deeley.
You can pick any one of the clones.
There once was an Anneka, who begat an Ulrika, from whose career dip sprung a Davina.
All squirted from the same hole.
Like herpes they spread from TV-AM armed only with the charm of incompetence.
If there's any presenting to be done, I'm doing it! For Christ's sake! If there's an earpiece to be worn, I'm wearing it! - Candy! - Oh, Eds, darling.
Hello, darling.
Is Pats not with you? No.
She's got a bit of trouble.
Damn.
Minge and I are getting a group of us to go to Annabels after the Vidal Sassoon gala.
- The air Ball? - Mmm.
It'll be a laugh.
Hugh Grant's going to be there.
Mick Jagger.
Mind you, I know Mick's a jumping scrotum with lips now, but I know Patsy likes him.
And Hugh's improved since he lost the old flop.
- Liz Hurley? - No.
His hair.
- Oh, his hair.
- Are you coming? Yeah.
See you later.
Eh-oh, stinky winky.
I think he needs a drink.
- His nose is very dry.
- Leave him alone.
See you later.
You, Bubble.
Listen You're still here? Oh, God.
Claudia bloody Bing.
Come to gawp? Come to squeeze the last drop of blood from the kill? No.
Old that.
I thought I'd see how big this office is.
If you're going bust, I might be interested.
I can't stay.
I just thought I'd pop my head in to say hi and thank you.
What a day I've got, thanks to you.
Let's see.
De La Soul press junket.
A relaunch and a re-lunch.
A Versace golf tournament.
Free Tibet Gala Dinner - yum yum.
A press night.
A première.
Photocall.
A promotion.
I've got M.
E.
And M.
S.
, which is wonderful.
- You go to the palace.
- I know! I've sat next to Camilla twice now.
She's almost pretty in the flesh.
I adore Davina McCall's baby.
But, frankly, you can keep Alan Titchmarsh, Vagina Monologues and drug abuse.
Edina, I feel awfully bad.
Well, don't.
I've been in tighter spots.
I shall rise like a phoenix from the ashes with Twiggy.
- Oh, dear.
- Claudia, you're here.
- Twiggy! - Twiggy! Look, Edina, I've just come to tell you I'm going with Claudia.
- But, but - But what? You deserve this.
You're one of the most selfish people I've ever met.
- Look to your right.
- It's always you, you.
You orbit Planet You.
You are your own moon.
You moon yourself.
Not a sight I'd relish.
What have you done for me? Nothing! Oh, what was it? Fisting.
Fist Across America.
Gay Pride.
Oh, don't start.
Look, I'm really sorry, Claudia.
No, don't worry.
All this is just touching the G-spot.
Have you got a bikini? We're doing a swimathon for poorly goldfish.
- Aah.
The ones in the news? - Yes.
Oh, by the way.
Your mum's back with us now.
I told Leigh he can keep her.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Again! Again! Psst! Darling? - How's the patient? - Mum, can you sit down? Hello, darling.
Oh, darling.
Twiggy's left me.
- Oh.
- But I saw Candy.
Are we going to the Air Ball? There's gonna be an auction.
Darling, I don't think I can.
I might phone in some bids.
- Mum.
- Did you go to the hospital? - Yes.
And to the gynaecologist.
- I hate gynaecologists.
A man who can look you in the vagina, but never in the eye.
I hate them.
Mine hangs around between women's legs like most men hang out in a garage - just tinkering.
Just tinkers! - Mum? - Yeah.
Patsy's got osteoporosis.
She has the lowest bone density on record.
Oh, cheers.
Well done, darling.
Well done.
She is just gristle clinging on to bone powder! This is what happens when you have the menopause.
- No! - No! No! - No, darling, no.
It can't be.
- I'm 42.
Besides, she's never had all the You've never had an ovary.
That's what the doctor in Algiers said.
I've always had thin bones.
It's nothing to do with it.
Anyway, you just get a patch, don't you? A patch! Mum, there are side effects.
How many times have I nearly overdosed? I think I can survive a patch! No.
I think you should be aware of all the options.
You as well, Mum.
- No, darling.
- It will happen, Mum.
- No.
- I've organised a meeting upstairs.
- What meeting? - The local M.
A.
- Ma? - Ma? Menopausals Anonymous.
No, sweetheart! No! You will do this.
You will learn about this and take control, because, frankly, if you don't Saffy? All gone, darling.
All gone, darling.
Go get it.
Sshh! Sshh! Ssshh! Sshh! My leg.
A splint, darling! And a spliff.
A spliff and a splint! Sweetheart, sweetheart? What happened then? My life just flashed in front of me.
What was it like? A Bergman film without the jokes? Oh! Did you say there are menopausals upstairs, darling? - Yes.
- On my furniture? Are you mad? Where are the bin bags? Bin bags? I've read about them.
One sneeze and the floodgates open.
Bin bags! - We'll pack quickly and go home.
- OK, honey.
- Leave it, Bo.
- I smell a group.
Leave it, Bo.
You pack.
I'll be right with you.
Bin bags.
Everyone sit on a bin bag.
Sit on a bin bag.
Body coasters.
Body coasters, everyone.
You, off there on a bloody bin bag.
Get on the bin bags.
- Are you staying, darling? - No.
I'm all right.
Gone through it already, I suppose.
No! I think we should leave.
I can feel the hormones being leeched from me as we speak.
Watch it.
You'll leave here being worn as a patch.
Sit down! I don't want to stay with sweaty fanny-obsessed heifers.
Sitting on my furniture.
Come on, let's go.
Damn! Damn! - Right, everyone, let's kick off.
- No.
I'm taking the meeting.
Catriona, lovey? Right.
My name is Catriona.
I don't think that I have actually got the menopause, although I do have to do the checklist before I leave the house to ensure I don't go out without my trousers on.
Again.
I'm sensing denial.
I'm sensing armpits.
I'm sensing pubic sideburns and sweaty ones at that.
Hello.
My name is Beth de Woody.
I just want to share a few horrors.
At night, I can't sleep, but at the wheel of a speeding car, I'm out like a light.
Does anyone else have symptoms from these pills? Like, I don't know, three nipples? Hello.
My name is Beth de Woody.
I have three heart attacks a day and my skin thinks it's in the Congo.
Otherwise I'm fine.
My doctor says I should stop taking the pills, but that's what a man would say.
They just let their belt out a few notches and join a golf club! There are alternatives.
No.
Not the testosterone implant.
- For some people they work.
- Oh, yeah.
Tell that to Marly Quinberg.
They turned her into a sex maniac.
But I've got them.
She should come and see me.
The woman cannot walk.
Overheated and oversexed.
She gave herself an accidental cliterectomy with a hand fan! Hi.
Hi.
I'm Bo Chrysalis.
Could I just ask what this meeting's for? Is this angry divorcees or croning? No.
The menopause, Bo.
Oh.
We don't have that in America.
We don't believe in it.
Certainly not in L.
A.
What? Are you nuts? Sisters, come on, come on! This meeting's going nowhere.
My name is Jobo and I'm happy to be having the menopause.
I have hot flushes and memory loss.
Well done! And sometimes when I sneeze, I pee.
Beth de Woody.
The sands of time are trickling through my hourglass! Patsy Stone.
I hope you're wearing thick pants! Edina Monsoon.
Stand on the bloody bin bag! God! Womb prayer, everybody.
Womb prayer.
No! Embrace the dryness.
Love your womb.
Come down, Lilith, and suck up our juices and blow back wisdom! - Group hug, everyone.
- No! No! Saff! Saff! God! Who was that? Beth de Woody! Marshall, where do the stars go to have the menopause? Montana, and a small clinic in Arizona.
Well, hitch up the horses.
We're going west.
Oh, no.
Are you going into the office? I suppose I'll have to.
See if I can make Alcospray into What is it? I've never heard of it.
#h, thank you! It's spray booze, darling.
Great for kids.
Come on, what is it you always say? Bad is the new good, crap is the new fantastic.
This is what you're good at.
All I used to be good at, darling.
I can't cook.
I can't knit.
I can't sew.
I can't sing.
Thank God.
Is there anything I can do? Well, that is the 64 million dollar question, isn't it? We'd all like to know that.
I need some brain food, darling.
Get me some wheatgerm and some grass juice.
- No.
- What am I supposed to do, then? Why don't you go and suck a lawn? Because by the time I got there, Claudia Bing would already have it sucked, that's why.
- Morning.
- Morning, Pats.
Did she stay over? She couldn't remember where she lived, and I thought it was safer.
- Also, now that Bo and Marshall - No.
- Lovely spare room.
- No! - Yeah, but - No! Damn you.
How are you doing with the patch? - I feel better.
- Yeah? You'll need a new one.
- Is the old one still there? - Why don't you look? She might crack her neck.
This is the last time I do this.
- Ooh, pills.
- We love pills.
Alternative remedies.
FT, DT, MYT, belladonna, ergotamin, black kohosh and dong.
Ooh! Dong.
Thank you, nurse.
Ooh, dong.
Anything to bring you back from the freeze-dried granules, darling.
What are you doing today? I want to find out if I got anything at the auction.
I'll see you later.
I've got to go in the office.
I think I'm going to sell off the old TV thing.
It's losing me more money than Pearl Harbor.
If I don't, darling the death knell ringeth.
"Eh-oh.
Alcospray gone bust.
Me tubby bye bye.
" Oh, hello.
Bubble's gone, but if there's anything you need, I'm here.
I don't know why you employed her.
I don't know.
She was like a little work of art.
A sort of conceptual installation - the concept of a P.
A.
Frankly, I'd have been better off with a painting of a secretary.
- Very pretty cardigan.
- No.
We've also got theoretical marketing strategies and global internet tie-ins.
So all we need is the programmes.
And we had one idea today, which was a quiz.
What are you talking about? Why are you still here? - Show me that.
- No, no.
Damn you, damn you.
- Is it a TV company? - No.
No, it's not a TV company.
It's a multinational media, cable and satellite network with Murdoch airspace and strategic programming WAP tie-ins.
I own some pretty expensive air up there.
- You sneaky little - I am branded.
Sss! You may have all the meat - all the celebrity cattle - but frankly, I was quite glad to offload them.
- Oh? - Yeah.
This is the future, babe.
This is the future.
We're in pre-pre almost pre-production for quizzes.
We've got "Have I Got Shoes For You.
" Donatella's on hold for that one.
This is bigger than all the dot.
Coms.
I'm surprised you're not into this.
- Oh, my God! - What? - Is it? - What? Is it? I don't believe it.
Katy Grin.
Yes.
She's my TV partner.
But I love her! I used to watch her on Blue Peter.
- Hello, Katy.
- Hello.
Claudia Bing.
Bing of Bing, Bing And Bing.
- I've got a Blue Peter Badge.
- Really? Well done! - Listen.
I've got to go.
- Go? I'm sorry.
I'm selling my half of the company.
I've decided that Katy needs to get her face back on TV where it belongs.
Of course she does.
I think I could help.
No.
I know what you're up to.
Sell me your half of the company.
I'll get you back on TV.
I've got Dale Winton in my pocket.
- Done! - Hurrah! Oh, no! I will not be partners with her.
Hard cheese.
Tell you what, to get you back on your feet, I'll buy the whole thing and throw in some celebs - a Kylie or two.
- I don't know.
- Mmm? Um All right.
I suppose I have to.
Kylie and a couple of the cancers, and for old time's sake, Lulu.
My people will talk to your to you! I want to show you my badge.
What happened? Yes! We're back in business.
Back in business.
Bubble? Take the desk.
Take the desk.
Memo to Lulu.
The boat that you row may cross no ocean, but I'll get you a British Airways ad.
Mmm.
A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
I think I'm feeling a little fullness.
You can't have in two days.
- Have you finished pithing that? - Yes.
There are pans to be washed, darling.
You can't hang around me all day in my languorous wake taking in the nutmeggy fumes.
Oh, how I'm longing to see my browning loaf.
You're making so much mess.
Oh, my cuticles.
Will you look at those? I've so neglected them.
Apple syrup upside-down pie! I think you need to get your levels checked back at the gynaecologist.
There we are.
I think your levels might be too strong.
What are you saying? Martin said I'm perfect.
I went today.
he squeezed me in between a cyst and a hysterectomy.
Can I have the icing sugar, please? And I'll do it.
Your sieving skills let you down.
- Why are you doing this? - Don't you like me? With hormones, I hate you more.
hello, darling.
Good day? - Fine.
- Fantastic.
- Mum, do something! - Wash your hands.
We're having TV dinners in front of the telly.
Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, I get restless Dale, you're not that kind - I do like her hair.
- Do you? You take the weight off of me Oh, honey, when you knocked at my door Ooh, I gave you my key Ooh-ooh Nobody knows it Wipe your mouth, Eddie.
Darling, do you want champagne? Ooh-ooh Nobody knows it Nobody knows I'm glad we didn't go out.
I've got something important to tell you.
- What? - It is a little bit special.
Are you all right? - Darling, I am much blessed.
- Why? I'm going to have a baby.
No! - You can't! - I can! They found one egg at the hospital.
But, darling, you haven't even got any ovaries.
They were just hidden.
They found a couple under my ribs.
That silly Arab doctor left them.
I'm going to have a baby.
What about all the little sperm, darling? I got my bid at the auction.
I've got a phial of Mick Jagger's.
Good old Mick.
We can put them together tonight and have a replanting ceremony.
What do you mean? Where are they? - In the fridge downstairs.
- No! No child should suffer you.
But, darling, think about it.
Patsy's hair, Mick's lips.
- No.
- I want the spare room.
No.
No.
No! - Cheers, sweetie.
- Cheers.
Have you got something in the oven? A pie burning? Ed, one should never be the oldest thing in one's house.
I'm not, darling.
I've got Saff.
Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! Saff! - Saff! - Saffy! Saffy! Patsy needs changing, darling! Darling! Patsy needs changing! Let's dance, Eddie.
Let's dance.
Let's dance, Eddie.
Let's dance, Eddie.
Let's go.
Don't go breaking my heart Look at my shoes.
Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Oh, Eddie.
Let's have some Bolly, darling.
Some Bolly.
Let's have some Bolly and go and see Mick.
There we are, Ed.
This wheel shall explode! Ziggy played guitar!