As Time Goes By (1992) s04e06 Episode Script

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # Mmm.
That's nice.
Look.
"Two-bedroom flat in Upper Bayswater.
" No such place as Upper Bayswater.
Means Paddington.
And you missed the bit about "some decorative restoration required".
I'm sure we're quite capable of slapping on a coat of emulsion.
"Some decorative restoration" probably means there's no floor.
Are you going off the idea of us getting a flat together? Why do you say that? All the places you seem to like are places we can't afford.
No, I'm not going off the idea.
It's just, well, as Mum says, there's no rush.
At this rate, we'll still be living here when we're little old ladies.
I just don't see what all the panic's about.
It's not panic.
It's just Well, it's all getting a little bit too cosy.
- You're in one of your hair-shirt moods.
- Morning.
- Morning, Mum.
- Morning, boss.
- We're looking at flats.
- Oh, there's no rush.
See? And I think it's time you stopped calling me boss.
I've always called you boss.
Well, to your face, anyway.
Yes, I know.
But you're almost one of the family.
Well, I can hardly call you Mum.
Just Jean.
Or Miss Pargetter if you're in a very bad mood.
No, not Miss Pargetter.
Not for much longer, anyway.
- He didn't? - He did.
- When? - Last night.
Well, why didn't you wait up and tell us? Well I don't know what time it was when you came in.
- It was only about two o'clock.
- We don't function till two o'clock.
Mum, I'm so glad! That is lovely news, ex-Miss Pargetter.
I feel a bit silly.
It isn't a bit silly feeling a bit silly, is it? - Why should you feel silly? - You, that's why.
You finally plucked up courage.
- I didn't pluck up courage at all.
- Yes, you did.
And I'm ever so pleased for both of you.
Mwah! I had a feeling this would be one of those kissing mornings.
- I don't suppose there's one still left? - What? Oh.
Of course if it's a chore Aw.
I think I'll have a sausage, I fancy a sausage.
- Did he get down on one knee, Mum? - Well, as a matter of fact, he did.
- Nothing funny about that.
- That's good, there aren't any sausages.
I don't think it's funny.
I think it's really sweet.
But then his knee locked and that was funny.
It is romantic, though.
A lot of old-fashioned things are romantic.
I could have bacon, I suppose, but I really fancied a sausage.
Why are you chuntering on about sausages? I am not chuntering.
- He's embarrassed, that's what it is.
- Oh, isn't that sweet? Now look here.
First of all, I'd like everybody to stop talking about me and secondly, is anyone going to work today? Or are we all going to stay here and drown in a sea of goo? Oh, you are embarrassed.
- But we're going to work.
- I'll even tidy up the paper for you.
- See you later, Mum.
- There.
Bye.
Bye.
Is it an inherent flaw with women and newspapers? Are you gonna cook that bacon or are you just gonna wander around with it? - It's going to get like this, isn't it? - Like what? Well, people saying "sweet" and "ahhh".
Have you gone off the idea? No, of course not.
The first sensible thing I've done for years.
- Ahhh.
- Now don't you start.
I just wish it didn't involve other people.
It doesn't.
It's just us.
Now, I must ring around and tell everybody.
She's still on the phone.
I think we'd save money taking a full-page ad in The Telegraph.
- People have to know.
- Yes, I suppose so.
- Where were we? - In bed.
- I should have said, "Where was I?" - I still can't get over that last scene.
- Wasn't it any good? - No, it was fine.
Just strange.
The battalion's just been told that it's posted to Korea, and you have a party in the officer's mess.
Yeah, I suppose it does seem strange now, but that's what we did.
Like a load of schoolboys, we were.
Clapping each other on the back, shouting, singing.
God, there were some sore heads in the morning.
But now you're alone in bed, how did you feel then? Shall I get that? Oh, thanks.
- I felt terrified.
- That's an honest answer.
I don't expect the Americans will like it.
They'd probably prefer me lying in bed singing Rule Britannia.
I said no, thank you.
But I've got two tickets.
Then spread out and sit on two seats.
- Alistair, please stop pestering Daisy.
- It's all right, he's harmless.
Harmless? Comes to all of us.
If they're for Jean, she's in the kitchen.
These are for Jean.
These are for you! What? And many, many congratulations, Li.
The dream team are making it official.
Yes.
Well, thank you for the congratulations, Alistair, but flowers? Hey.
Get tuned, Li.
A guy can give another guy flowers these days.
Daisy? He can.
I don't know.
Now, is it hug time? No, it is not! Proxy hug? You do need telling the same thing a lot of times, don't you? Actually, Alistair, we are busy.
Cracking on, you know.
That's great.
Because that will keep me off your back, Mike off my back, Manny off Mike's back, and Sol off Manny's back.
We should all get together one day and form an acrobatic troupe.
Jean's in the kitchen, by the way, if you want to give her her flowers.
I will do that thing.
- Au revoir, Daisy.
- Goodbye.
You're not good for Alistair's ego at all.
He's too flash.
Well, I tried to be flash when I was young.
You've just admitted to being terrified when you knew you were going to a war.
And Alistair isn't 19.
No.
He's pushing on a bit, isn't he? When? Oh, I don't know, we haven't decided yet.
No, Rocky, I promise I won't elope.
Yes, I will.
Yes, and love to Madge.
Right.
Yes.
Bye.
Hello, Alistair.
Half the men in the world will be desolate.
Slight exaggeration.
Oh, thanks for the flowers.
They're lovely.
- Is it hug time? - I don't see why not.
Don't squash the flowers.
- Li said no to a hug.
- Well, he would.
Didn't go a bundle on the flowers I bought for him either.
No, he wouldn't.
So when's it going to be, where's it going to be, am I invited, what do you want for a present and what are we going to do about Li's stag party? Yes, you are invited.
I don't know the answer to any of the other questions.
It's too soon.
What about Honolulu? - What about Honolulu? - For the honeymoon.
I have a mate who has a place there.
All I have to do is fax him Alistair, just let us plod along at our own pace, hmm? I'm in bull-in-a-china-shop land, aren't I? Well, just call it boyish enthusiasm.
I'd like to, Jean, but to be super-honest, the zing seems to have gone out of my zing, these days.
Oh, dear.
Why? - Well - Typical, isn't it? - What? - Stephen.
He's been so busy organising this secret party for your sister-in-law, he's only just remembered to invite us.
Oh, I'd rather hoped he'd forget.
Mm.
- Oh, Saturday.
- Yeah.
We don't have to go, do we? - Of course.
- I knew you'd say that.
And Judy's invited.
"Judith and the man of the moment," it actually says.
Well, there isn't a man of the moment.
Hey, listen, under normal circumstances I'd be delighted, but I am not currently Judy's flavour of the month.
- It's at some hotel, this do.
- Well, don't make it sound like Brixton prison.
We could stay overnight.
Yes, we could.
And then you could have a headache and we could slope off to bed.
Why do I have the headache? Well, we'll both have headaches.
Hotel, eh? Your face lit up then.
Reflex action, nothing more.
I'm just making a cap of tea for Daisy and me.
Anybody else want one? No, thanks.
I must get to work.
- On my wheels, hopefully.
- Oh, thanks, Alistair.
Oh, you're not actually giving Daisy a custard tart? I thought you were going to work.
Oh.
See you later you vile seducer.
If I leave a candle in the window, don't come in.
- Bye, Alistair.
- Bye, Li.
Get off! Sorry, mate.
It had to be done.
Well, I'm sorry, Mum, but I just don't see it.
What's wrong with my going on my own? There's nothing wrong with it, but you know what Aunt Penny's like.
Nutty, that's what she's like.
- Yes, I know, and she does go on.
- And on.
And on and on.
And we know what she'll go on about.
"Poor little Judith can't find a man.
What a shame.
" It's her wedding anniversary.
She won't have time.
- Want to bet? - I've done it.
Fame at last.
Lionel let me stack the dishwasher.
- Supervised, of course.
- I just happened to be standing there.
Sandy.
There you are.
- Sandy.
- I know I'm Sandy.
Sandy is not the man in your life.
I'm not the man in anyone's life, I hope.
But she is my friend and if Aunt Penny's so insistent about me bringing a partner Ooh.
She wouldn't think that.
Would she? Well, it is Aunt Penny we're talking about.
That woman's doing it again.
Why does she always get people jumping through hoops? If Judy wants go on her own, she has a perfect right to go on her own.
- Thank you.
- Yes, Lionel's quite right.
If she's so out of touch with reality that she thinks that turning up without a chap denotes a romantic wilderness, then that's her lookout.
Right.
Look at your faces.
You're all weakening.
Well, Alistair is willing.
It's the coward's way out.
I suppose there are worse things than that.
You said I was right.
You all said I was right.
It is someone to dance with when all's said and done.
I'm so glad I'm not a woman.
And so am I.
Yes, it's nice to have a man's opinion.
It balances up the discussion.
Nobody took any notice of my opinion.
It was there, though, Lionel, that's the main thing.
- I'm just going to make some coffee.
- I'll give you a hand.
Ah, you're looking all put out.
It was the waste of breath I resent.
Now, where's that letter? I must ring the hotel and book the rooms.
One double and, in the current climate, two singles.
- Singles are for us.
- Pardon? Joke, joke! Oh, good.
For a minute I thought you were going funny on me now we're engaged.
Engaged? Yes.
What's so amusing? - We're too old to be engaged.
- No, we're not.
- I asked you to marry me and you said yes.
- Yes, I know that.
Well, therefore we're engaged.
Why else would you spend half the morning on the telephone? I told everyone we're going to get married, not we're going to get engaged.
Well, the one precedes the other.
It's the order of things.
Let's get married first and get engaged after.
Why are you putting the word in inverted commas? - You can't say a word in inverted commas.
- You just did.
Well, maybe I just don't like the word.
Announcing your engagement seems like delaying tactics to me.
Give us a few months and a few years so we can find enough reasons to call the whole thing off.
I'm talking about a few days.
When can you be ready? - Well, I don't know.
- Well, a week? Two weeks? - Three? - Right.
And in the meantime, we're engaged.
Oh.
Oh.
This is nice.
- Honolulu? - Didn't you tell him? No.
I thought Lionel would prefer us to make our own honeymoon arrangements.
Fair enough.
What did you have in mind, Lionel? I was always rather fond of Clacton.
Clacton? Honolulu, though.
Fancy going to Honolulu.
Perhaps you will.
One day.
He has.
He's lost his zing.
- Lost his what? - Zing.
Zing! Zing.
Hope you don't mind me formalising the arrangements like this.
It's been rather an ordeal keeping it secret and I don't want anything to go wrong at the eleventh hour.
I think you'll find it very easy to follow.
Well, I shan't.
I seem to have a requisition for dental instruments.
- How did that get there? - Doesn't matter, Stephen, I'll share.
What does "8 o'clock shush" mean? All guests have to shush when I bring Penny in.
Ah.
What if you're late? I mean, you can't keep 50 people totally shushed for very long.
I've allowed for that.
If you'll all refer back to 7:45.
It says, "Scoot on door.
" Ah.
That should read scout on door.
I typed this myself, I'm not that hot.
Scout on door.
Indian or boy? I'm sorry? So the scout spies you and Penny, scoots back and we all shout shush? Because she thinks she's just going to have dinner with me.
- We know that.
- And I suppose we've all got to shout out "Surprise!" when you and Penny come in? As it will be a surprise, - I suppose that's the obvious thing to do.
- I suppose it is.
- Are you the coffee for five? - No, we're the five for coffee, actually.
- Don't start.
Thank you.
- I'll get this.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, I won't have that.
Just stick it on the bill for this evening, would you? - Are you dining with us this evening, then, sir? - Of course.
I'm the anniversary party.
- Not the wedding party? - No, the anniversary party.
This evening? Yeah.
Would you excuse me a moment, sir? Uncle Stephen.
We are in the right hotel? Of course.
All arranged.
- Well, perhaps she's new.
- Or dim.
Just ill informed.
Er, I'm sorry, sir, but there seems to be some confusion.
We have a wedding party this evening.
Your anniversary party is booked for next week.
On behalf of us all - oh, Stephen.
No, look.
Just a minute.
I wrote this down.
There we are.
"Guests invited for the 14th.
"Party booked for the 21st.
" Ah.
Everything was going swimmingly.
Was being the operative word.
Remind me to ask you not to organise our wedding.
Oh, don't joke.
This is awful.
- Looks like guts-for-garters time.
- Can't you do something? - You have all afternoon.
- I'm sorry, madam, but we're not a large hotel.
We only have one function room of any size and the wedding party has booked that.
OK, OK.
Food, can do? Drinks, can do? Staff, can do? Well, yes, we could manage, but the question of where still remains.
Let me talk to some faces.
- Well, why couldn't you have thought of that? - Thought of what? Whatever it is that Alistair's thought of.
Let's just get the pot plant inside because obviously it's not going to work out here.
- Take it inside.
- What an extraordinary chap he is.
Makes one feel rather inadequate.
You speak for yourself.
I was just saying to Lionel, what an extraordinary chap your young man is.
Yes, he's terrific with marquees.
Have you fixed the food and drink? Old Lionel did most of that.
He can be quite a bully with hotel staff when the mood takes him.
I just don't like people who say, "We'll see what we can do," that's all.
Now, you're sure about a band, Stevie? Because I can have one here in about an hour.
Oh, thanks all the same.
Bands always make old Pen go a bit odd.
Oh.
Sure? What sort of odd? Well, she jiggles about a lot, gets very giggly.
Look, I'm terribly grateful for all your help.
I'd better pop back and get old Pen organised.
You know how woolly she can be.
See you later.
He books the party for the wrong night and says she's woolly.
Let's hope he doesn't forget that the party's in the marquee, and doesn't burst in on the wedding reception expecting everyone to shout out "Surprise!" - Ted.
Ted Pringle.
- Yes.
Yes.
We met at, um Stephen and Penny's once.
Oh, how's your wife? Sorry, I've forgotten her name.
Belinda.
Bloody Belinda.
- Didn't she have red hair? - She's had all sorts of hair.
It's mauvish at the moment.
Somebody said that you were going to remarry.
Yes, that's right.
Oh, Lionel, there you are.
- This is Ted.
This is the man in question.
- How do you do? I've just been talking to a woman with the most extraordinarily coloured hair.
I think that would be my wife.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
So am I, believe me.
Well, we'd better circulate.
We'll see you later, Ted.
I just hope she doesn't have too much to drink, that's all.
- He's a cheerful soul.
- They used to be so happy.
- I'm sure they were.
- Mum.
Can you look as if we're having an earnest conversation? - Yes.
Why? - I'm being chatted up by a child.
He says he's turned on by older women.
Oh, Mum, I'm not an older woman.
It's only comparative, love.
Lionel, go and take his yo-yo away.
Quiet.
Quiet! Pianissimo, please.
- Chaps and chapesses, they are here.
- Ooh.
Sh, sh.
Why aren't we eating in the hotel? Why do we have to eat in a tent? Well, I suppose they had an overflow.
I'm not sure I like being an overflow.
Oh, don't be difficult, Pen.
Just come in.
Do.
Surprise! knocked me down with a feather.
Hello, Christine, talk to you in a tick.
I mean, Stephen of all people arranging something like this.
To be honest, arranging things is not Stephen's forte.
He has hidden depths, has Stephen.
And a marquee, I mean, what a hoot.
What a brilliant idea.
We were awestruck.
In strictest confidence, of course, I've completely forgiven Stephen for his dalliance with Miss Breeze.
Oh, but hasn't he told you yet? Well, you know he told me, you were there.
Oh.
Oh, yes, of course.
I don't quite see the point of the question.
Lionel? - What? - What does Jean mean? Erm It's hard to say, really.
I meant, erm, hasn't Stephen told you you're staying the night in the hotel? Oh, that.
Yes.
Quite a romantic thought, really.
Not at all like Stephen.
Coming, Christine.
I must talk to her.
She and Reg have just split up, something to do with a Golf GTI.
Oh, dear.
I was talking to Ted just now, he seems very down.
Well, he would be.
Belinda's started proceedings.
What's that one to do with, a Robin Reliant? As a matter of fact, Belinda found out that he's been having a dalliance with a navvy.
A navvy? Old Ted? No, no, not a navvy.
No, that's not the word.
What is the word? A labourer? Roughneck.
Roughneck, that's it.
Some woman works on oil rigs or something.
Makes you wonder what's happening to marriage, doesn't it? I've put my size 12 in it.
Not you two, of course, you'll be fine.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Now I must go and talk to poor old Christine.
She's got her Bambi look on again.
Coming.
Ha, ha.
I may strangle that woman one day.
It will be a race to her throat.
She doesn't mean any harm.
There must be some happily married couples here.
If you ever talk like that in front of me again, George, I'm leaving you.
- Will you give me a little cuddle? - What? Here? Yes, here.
Just make sure you get two sets of keys to the car.
Gosh, I'm glad we came.
In another hour we can have our headache.
Was it you who wanted the vol-au-vents? Er, no.
It was somebody.
Stephen.
When are you going to tell Penny the truth about you and Miss Breeze? I'm beginning to wonder if that's necessary.
Of course it's necessary, you can't let her go on thinking you had an affair when you didn't.
I wouldn't have had to if old Pen hadn't got so suspicious about the phone calls and so on.
I mean, I had to keep the party a secret, didn't I? I still don't see why you didn't come up with some other excuse.
I'm not terribly good at thinking things up, you see.
So when old Pen said, "You swine, you're having an affair!" I just thought, "Well, that's a good excuse.
" There's a weird sort of logic in that, but you have to tell her the truth now.
- It's the decent thing to do.
- It's the British thing to do.
Well, I am British.
And reasonably decent.
I'll tell her, but I'd better find out who wants these vol-au-vents first.
There is one thing to be said about Penny and Stephen, they make you feel sane.
Have you seen Stephen? He said he was getting Christine and me some vol-au-vents.
He's got them but he's forgotten who they're for.
Silly man.
Incredibly sane.
Hmph! Thanks.
You didn't mind slipping away like that? No.
Got me away from that child with the hot hands.
It's not like you, though, missing a party.
I'd have thought you'd be organising a helicopter to take everyone off to Paris by now.
You're talking yesterday's Alistair.
Oh, come on.
You're not old enough to have a midlife crisis.
No, but I seem to have reached a sort of emotional spaghetti junction.
You see, Judy, confidence and I have always been great mates.
Yes, I had noticed.
But not any more.
Judy, I'm at risk of becoming a very ordinary guy.
- Is that such a bad thing? - To be honest, I don't know.
Look, Alistair, if this crisis of confidence has got anything to do with us - It does.
- I see.
Well, that's where it started.
- Started? - Mm.
And then the other day I was chatting to Daisy and it really set in.
- Daisy? - Mm.
I mean, she's Premier League material, but every time I tried to get her on the pitch, she showed me the red card.
Go on.
So maybe you're right, maybe I am turning into settling-down material.
What do you think? I think that you should stay sitting down because I can feel my knee beginning to twitch.
All I wanted was your advice.
All right.
Try dropping dead! It's like the plague, isn't it? Perhaps fate arranged today as a sort of examination.
Talking of which - Penny.
- Oh, God.
- Please.
- I'm not talking to you, you deviant.
You are a twit, Stephen, didn't you tell her? Yes, as soon as I got to her with the vol-au-vents.
And they were ham, not chicken as I requested.
Forget the vol-au-vents.
Penny, how can you be angry with Stephen for telling you he didn't have an affair? Because I was subjected to a week of mental anguish.
I had to keep the party a secret.
Now, as for mental anguish, you were whooping it up at the tennis club last night.
I was putting on a brave face.
Rubbish! You can't do the conga if you're putting on a brave face.
It wasn't the conga, it was the samba.
Chucking your skirt about like a cancan dancer.
You'd know all about cancan dancers, would you? Look, shut up, the pair of you.
Now, what do you want from each other? He practically risks his life to give you a surprise party, she forgives you for having an affair that you never had.
This is meant to be a wedding anniversary, which proves by some miracle that you've made it this far.
And you make a nonsense out of it all by having a row about congas and sambas.
Bit of a rollicking, eh, Pen? - I've never heard you be fierce before.
- Oh, she has her moments.
I think we should toddle off to bed.
It's a lovely idea staying over.
Perhaps we should.
Well, night, you two late birds.
Mind you, I did wonder when you asked me to bring a nightdress to dinner.
Bit of a ricket, that, nearly gave the game away.
I'll get the key.
I think they should become marriage guidance counsellors.
Tips to the bewildered from the already bewildered.
- Something like that.
- Oh.
- Would you like a nightcap? - No, thanks.
I saw the wedding party earlier on.
It's still going strong.
Bride looked lovely.
So will you.
- Lovely? - Yes.
I want to clear up this engagement business.
Oh, Lionel, it's not important.
It is.
Cos it's what we would have done all those years ago, we'd have got engaged.
- Yes, I know that, but it's - So we're engaged.
You're really firm about this, aren't you? Yes.
I am.
Ha! So I bought this.
Oh, Lionel.
Oh.
Erm I booked our room for the wrong night as well.
So We were wondering if we could bunk in with you two.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #