Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e06 Episode Script

1 Humph, I don't know.
Mmm.
Hey.
Mmm.
What do you think? Huh? Um You know what they say, just before you leave the house, take off one thing.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- You'll do great.
Ah, let's see.
- (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) - (BACKGROUND CHATTER) Yeah, she was right, this really works.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer, Let's go dancing underwater, Baroness Von Sketch Show - S04E06 Shangela Was Robbed Thanks for coming together and doing this, it's hard being alone on a, on a week night.
I guess there's just no good single guys left.
Oh, did you hear Alex is back in town? Oh, I thought he left town to join Doctors Without Borders? Oh yeah he did, but now he's back, turns out he's a doctor who really needs borders.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- I had a great date last night.
- No you didn't! Yes I did and it was amazing.
Oh my gosh, he was so into me.
We talked for hours.
He asked me all these questions.
- Oh, great.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Like what? Oh well, he wanted to know like, what was the first band that I ever saw.
- The name of my childhood pet.
- Oh.
What's my favourite movie.
He even wanted to know my mother's maiden name.
Oh.
Oh, um Oh, I mean, obviously he stole my identity and I had to change my credit cards, but, you know, - you live and learn.
- Of course you do.
And it doesn't even matter because I met this other great guy and get this, - he's the Prince of Nigeria.
- No fair! I don't know how I do it, he just emailed out of the blue.
- Does he have a brother? - Yes he does and he's stuck in London, - he just needs a Western Union transfer.
- Hook me up! Double date, double date, double date.
Alright, don't be scared, don't be scared, you can do this, you can do this.
Don't look at the needle, don't look at the needles.
Don't look, I'm scared.
TATTOO ARTIST: Oh, hey hey hey, don't worry about it, is this your, uh, first tattoo? - Yeah, pretty obvious.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just had a really tumultuous year, and I just thought I would do something for myself.
Okay.
What are you thinking of getting? Some kind of a bird like a phoenix or something.
Or maybe like a good shell.
We don't do that here, sorry.
Well isn't this a tattoo parlour? Yeah, the, uh, The Naughty Tattoo Parlour.
Oh I, like as in naughty.
As in Don Knotts.
What? - Don Knotts, K-n-o-t-t-y.
- Pardon? Can you explain it better? You know when you, um, go to a bakery - and all they sell is cupcakes.
- Yeah.
- Or you go to a store, all they sell is socks.
- Yep.
Yeah.
We only do tattoos of five time Emmy Award winner, Don Knotts.
Like, from the Andy Griffith Show? Doesn't have to be.
It doesn't have to be Don Knotts? Oh, no, it sure as hell has to be Don Knotts, it just doesn't have to be from the Andy Griffith Show.
Look, come on, check this out, Don Knotts, Mr.
Furley in Three's Company.
Uh, got this, Matlock, Don Knotts, Les Calhoun.
Look at this one, Don Knotts, 1998, E True Hollywood Story.
Or you go with the old classic, the whole Andy Griffith family, right there with Don Knotts.
This is the bestselling tramp stamp I've got.
I'm gonna tramp on you, I'm gonna tramp on you, tramp, trampy, tramp tramp tramp tramp.
I'm just not sure a tattoo of Don Knotts is going to help me process my divorce.
Take a look at this, you don't think this face is going to restore your faith in men? Uh? Right? Ahahahaha, eh? Waha haha.
Um, isn't his character in Three's Company a bit of a homophobe? And doesn't he kind of sexually infantilize Chrissy and Janet though? What? Have you not seen Three's Company? - Oh fuck.
- (ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW THEME) - TATTOO ARTIST: Ah, shit.
- WOMAN: Yeah.
- What have I done? - I have no idea.
- Fuck my life.
- Sort of I sunk everything I had into this place.
WOMAN: Thank you.
TATTOO ARTIST: No I just, I thought he had a funny name.
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) Okay, what do we got here? Garbage, garbage, recycling, recycling.
Keep tidy, help the planet, ooh.
WOMAN: Oh excuse me, you can't recycle coffee cups.
But it's paper.
Yeah they break the machines or something.
Oh.
Sorry planet.
Oh well.
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) Okay, cup in the garbage.
Lid in recycling.
You are welcome planet.
Um, you can't actually recycle black plastics.
Oh but it had the little recycle symbol on it.
Yeah, apparently it breaks the machines.
- Sooo? - Sooo do you want to break the machine? No.
- My bare hand? - Yeah.
- Think of the animals.
- WOMAN: Oh God.
Oh You ever seen Planet Earth? This is what it's all about, okay.
Oh God.
I got it.
I got it.
- Yeah, bring it on up, bring it on up.
- (WOMAN GRUNTING) Are you happy? So happy.
Have a great day, cheers.
Great day.
Ah, I've got to sterilize my whole body, ugh.
(CRACKING) People of the street, I am going to put my coffee cup, which is non-recyclable, even though it's made of paper in the garbage, and my lid, my red plastic lid in the recycling, and I hope that that is acceptable to all, speak now or forever hold your peace! Garbage, oh God.
Recycling.
Oh my God, wasps! I'm allergic.
No, really planet? Really? Ow, I just wanted to recycle.
I just wanted MAN: Ah, no, man, look at this it's going to break the machine.
God, when are people going to learn how to recycle? She clearly belongs in organics.
Ah man.
Oh, I got to go to the bathroom.
Ugh, ahem, I just have to use the washroom, - if you could excuse me.
I just have to - (CHIMING) Well I'm in a pickle.
Ha.
I just, I have to use the washroom.
Oh yeah, she's been passed out for a long time.
For a little while.
Yeah, don't want to wake someone up.
Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of rude.
CO-PILOT: The Captain has turned on the seat belt sign, - please take your seats - NANCY: 1-2-2, I don't have to poo, 1-2-3, I don't have to pee.
Excuse me, I have to use the washroom, please.
5-6-7-8, you don't got to menstruate.
I have a lot going on.
- Down there.
- Oh I'm sorry.
It's just that time of the month and everything goes.
I find when you have your period, all of a sudden you have diarrhea.
Cacaaaa! Cacaaaa! - Excuse me.
- Yes? Sorry, could you-could you just keep it down a little? Well we all have our problems, I might shit my tights so.
Excuse me.
Babababababababa.
Hi, my name's Nancy, I have to go to the bathroom, I think I might have diarrhea, please.
(CHIMING) Excuse me, hi.
She just said that she wanted a coffee, so if I were you, I'd wake her up and make her a coffee right now, - like bingo bongo.
- You know ma'am, I cannot help but notice that your seatbelt is not on, but the Captain has put on the seatbelt sign.
I need you to take the seatbelt, put it very tightly right across this area of your lap.
Can I get you a tea, coffee, liquid? How much longer do you think? - Probably five hours.
- Five hours.
I mean, with turbulence, you're looking at six.
- Hello, bonjour.
- Bonjour.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Okay, so I have a little problem, once already I've asked you so polite to sit in your seat, but now I find you sitting on this woman's head.
Do you want the police to arrest you when you come home? Right, okay, there we go.
Thank you.
Little missy moo moo, likes a chocolate pudding.
Hello, hello, miss pudding, hello pudding.
Oh my good gosh, this is what is happening here is pretty intense.
(CHIMING) NANCY: What do you think you're doing? You push that button you know what's going to happen? Pbbbbbbbst, everywhere.
Don't you touch that God damn flight attendant, do you hear me? I'll take a piss right now on your shoulder.
(PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL) Hey, hey.
Act like you're asleep everybody, act like you're asleep.
Everybody, act like you're asleep.
No one is getting arrested today.
- FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excusez-moi ? - Yes? Excusez-moi, would you like some more pudding? Oh no I'm okay.
Thank you so much.
- Okay, go back to sleep.
- Ah, wait, no please, ma'am.
I have to use.
Look away, look away.
Look away, look away! - Did you just shit in a sock? - Yes.
Okay.
I think I'm going to use the washroom.
(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - (CHEERING) - Happy pride.
Happy pride.
(CHEERING) Happy pride.
Happy pride.
- WOMAN: Happy pride Sinead! - Happy pride Sinead.
- She said hummus.
- CAROLYN: Oh, she said hummus.
I love her, she's so cool, you have such a cool baby.
Yeah, so cool.
MEREDITH: You know, even though she's pre-verbal, I feel like I know what she would say, do you know? I don't know what you mean, but I still think she's so cool.
Ah, so cool.
Like such a cool baby.
She's Sinead.
She's Sinead, so yeah.
MEREDITH: Yeah, yeah.
AURORA: When I, uh, when I had Jennifer, I also had that same burst of love and connection with another person, and, you know, just wanting to do everything for her, and I would have brought her today, but, um, I-I thought no kids? Of course there's no kids, it's a party.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Except for you Sinead, right.
She's so cool.
She's so cool.
I mean, it's-it's just so expensive to get a sitter during pride, but I did it, uh, you know, because who brings a kid to a party, right.
- Exactly.
- Exactly.
Pass Sinead around, let her mingle.
(IN UNISON) Yeah, mingle! AURORA: Is she going to be okay? Is she okay with strangers? CAROLYN: It's amazing like how chill she is though.
Like, weren't you like, didn't you bring her to your DJ gig last night or? - You took her to a DJ gig? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's up then anyway, so why wouldn't I? - Of course I'm taking her.
- Yeah.
Wow, I-I-I could never do that with Jennifer.
Carolyn: Well, yeah, fair enough, I mean, Jennifer is Jennifer, you know, like I mean, Sinead's Sinead and Jennifer is, you know, Jennifer.
I mean, Jennifer is great.
Yeah, but maybe just not the best at a party.
Yeah, totally.
- There it is, there it is.
- Yeah, I mean, if I'd known that this was a party we could bring kids to I It's not a kid party.
That's all it is.
- But anyway, let's talk more about Sinead.
- I'd love to, yeah.
Is she eating? Is she a good sleeper? She's a wonderful sleeper.
I mean, five lines into the Bell Jar - and she's just out like male privilege.
- (CHUCKLING) Are you following her on Instagram? Oh yeah, of course, yeah absolutely.
- It's at, um, Sinead of Honour.
- Sinead of Honour.
- WOMAN: She's an influencer.
- Can I get a selfie with her? - Yeah for sure, go ahead.
- I want one too.
- (PHONES CLICKING) - (CHEERING) - She's so good.
- I'm photo bombing myself.
Hey, check this out, I-I-I put a photo of Jennifer on Facebook, she's, she's eating spaghetti.
Oh yeah.
Oh neat.
Let's talk about this bruschetta.
MEREDITH: It's delicious.
WOMAN: Could I get a selfie with the bruschetta? Yeah, yeah.
- Bruschetta, it's great.
- (PHONE CLICKING) Oh my God.
I think Jennifer is getting in the shot of the bruschetta.
I'm sorry, can you just move your phone a little? - I'm sorry.
- Okay, great, thanks.
WOMAN: No babies at this party.
- Yeah.
- Well, listen folks, I think we are in excellent shape.
Seeing as it's Friday, how 'bout we all just, uh, kick out of here a little early, sound good? - Great.
- Great work everybody.
- Peace out.
- (HIGH SCREAM) - Can you take this one to go? - Yeah.
Well, I guess I'll see you in September, have a great summer.
What's that? You going somewhere? No it's June 30th, it's time for summer vacation.
Oh before I forget, will you sign my day timer? Yeah, we don't, we don't have summer vacations here, this is your job.
What? You work through summer? But what am I supposed to look forward to? Retirement.
Death.
Oh, you know I had to replace my furnace and I got a little bit of a rebate on it, so that was nice.
Yeah.
White Sweater: Alright, well, see ya Monday.
JENNIFER: See ya Monday.
Every Monday.
So, wait, so am I not going back to summer camp this year? 'Cause I bought all those juice crystals.
Okay, here we go, so I got my results back from the blood sample I sent in to one of those DNA sites.
- Oh yeah.
- Ready? (BRRRRIIINNGGG) I am 32% German, 68% Swiss.
(IN UNISON) Whoa! That's cool, yeah.
You know I did that too.
I sent my spit in to one of those websites, and it turns out I'm 16% Irish, and 18% Hungarian, and the rest is Italian.
- That's neat.
- Oh, cool.
I did it and I found out, guys, I found out I'm 75% French.
I don't even speak French.
- (IN UNISON) Whoa! - You're blowing my mind! You're blowing my mind! What about you Shana? Oh, uh, I sent mine in and I found out that I'm, um, let's see here, uh, 92% dumb-ass for sending a DNA sample to a random website that now has full copyright and unregulated, um, access to my genetic code for the rest of time.
And like, 8% Spanish.
(OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE) - Tapas! - Not bad.
Majorca.
It's dangerous though, like what we're doing.
- Salamenca.
- Salamenca, that's a nice word.
You don't care that they can copyright your - Croquette, is that a - Okay, you didn't read the small print? It's delicious.
- Barcelona.
- Barcelona.
Are you guys, totally? No, it's fine.
Ooh, what happened to you after drinks last night? Did you and Matt finally hook up? Eww, no, he's got that grey tooth, remember? Yeah, gross tooth Matt, ew.
So what did you do? I went home and watched RuPaul's Drag Race.
- Drag race.
Girl! - No.
Do you remember that summer we had Evan, that fun gay intern who used to call you like a hot slut, and then judge your shoes? Yes, I loved Evan.
Yes except it's like a show full of Evans except there's like a runway Enough, you had me at Evan.
Okay, I'm going to write this down.
- Okay.
- Roo, R-o-o No, R-u.
- Am I what? - No, it's R-u like - R-u, yes.
Hey girl! Yes, queen! Oh.
Wow, so you liked it? - Hunty.
- Okay.
I just need to thank you for bringing RuPaul and her fierce queens of drag into my life! I cannot believe I waited this long to step my pussy up.
- Oh.
- Mhm.
- Sure.
- (FUNKY DANCE MUSIC) Move your body I got work to do.
Move your body Girl, you better lip synch for your life! Oh my God, she dropped right off the top.
Unbelievable, work your butt girl.
So as you can see, next quarter our profits will Drop! (RHYTHMIC DANCE MUSIC) Move your body Please do not come for me, unless I send for you Tara! (CLUCKS) It has come to our attention that you haven't come into work for two weeks.
Yes, I was sick.
No, no you called in, uh, sickening Heather.
All the while tweeting about something called, uh, All Stars 3.
Shangela was robbed.
Did you tell Martin in accounting to sissy that walk? Mhm, and it was a compliment, and he should take it with a little side of gratitude.
Wait.
(SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) Jan, are you telling me you want me to sashay away? No no no, we are not terminating you.
Oh, hallelu.
But I do need you to read and sign this letter confirming that you will take mandatory cultural sensitivity training, and that you acknowledge and accept that you are very much a straight white middle-aged woman from the suburbs.
- Hissss.
- Nope.
You own nine Josh Groban Christmas albums.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) NAOMI: I-I did it! - I just heard.
- Did you? JENNIFER: It's amazing! Congratulations! Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- I can't believe it.
- I'm so excited! What? What! - Oh my God, new planet.
- No.
- New galaxy? - Bigger.
- Alien life form!? - Nhm nhm.
- What? - Naomi got eight hours of sleep! What?? Naomi! Congratulations! I can't believe it! I can't believe it! Stop it! You, you bitch! - Sleep! - Sleep! - Sleep.
- Yes.
- You're in your 40s.
- I am! Yes! (IN UNISON) Sleep, Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep! - How did you do it? - Uh, it's okay.
- Was it magnesium? - No.
- Do you have children? - No.
Fuck.
(ROLLING THUNDER) (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) My dearest Emily, wherever have you been? Oh Charlotte.
Dearest Anne, I was just having a quick brood on the moors, and, you know, before tea.
Upon what were you brooding dear sister? Ah, the dark and mysterious Mr.
Rothersby.
Yesterday he kissed me in a darkened hallway, and then he called me by his dead sister's name.
Oh.
My Lord Chesterton is also wonderfully troubled.
Lately, whenever I walk into a room, he stares at me with ferocious intensity for several minutes, then retires to the east wing to break furniture.
ANNE: Oh, that is true love dear sister.
My Heathcrest, well he came to my room last night and kissed me passionately, and then he started screaming incoherently about (IN UNISON) A most terrible secret! Yes.
Oh darlings, isn't love the best? Yes.
(CACKLING) (SCREAMING) Fooools! (SCREAMING) EMILY: What are you? Who could she possibly be? Get away! I am Mrs.
Rothersby.
I'm sorry, who? Uh, Mr.
Rothersby's mad wife.
- No doesn't really - Big village gossip.
- Not us.
- Don't know, sorry.
Oh for God sakes, I'm the terrible secret.
- (SCREAMING) - Oh no.
Yes thank you, thank you, was that so hard? How can Mr.
Rothersby have a wife when he's in love with Emily? (CACKLING) - In love? - Yes.
- With her? - Yes.
Last week he called her an uncomely governess, said she bewitched him and broke all the mirrors.
He's so sweet.
MRS.
ROTHERSBY: That's not love you fool, that's toxic.
Toxic? Well what would you know about love? You're mad.
Do you think I was always like this? I don't know you.
I don't - MRS.
ROTHERSBY: No.
- Okay.
- Love did this to me.
- Oh.
MRS.
ROTHERSBY: Let me tell you a little something, bad boys are not romantic, they're emotional fuck wits, and they will drive you literally insane, like locked in an attic, don't know when it's daytime, whispering to dolls, mad.
- Wow.
- No.
That can't be true.
Lord Chesterton loves me.
Why he almost told me so just last week.
Almost? Well yes, he was about to say it then he began growling, and he put his fist through his mother's portrait, and then he rode off on an unsaddled horse right into the middle of a storm.
- (SIGHS) - (ROLLING THUNDER) And this man is your employer? I am governess to his feral deaf mute daughter, yes.
MRS.
ROTHERSBY: Oh my God, go, go, get out of the village, go meet someone your own age.
Don't know, just the brooding on the moors it's sort of like, it's our thing.
MRS.
ROTHERSBY: Holy fuck! I like to brood.
Oh the curtain! Yes, get out! Go to London, start a ladies magazine, whatever, good luck.
Ah, well, another room torched.
Cecilia! I have never seen you like this.
Oh ho ho, oh now you want a piece? This? This is what you like? - Maybe.
- Oh.
Oh yes.
God you're plain.
My God! - It gets me every time.
- Oh yes, passion.
Passion, oooh, don't look though, - don't look at me.
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, you know what, alright that kind of works for me.
(GRUNTS) Okay, get out, you're done.