Bewitched (1964) s04e06 Episode Script

Rise and shine.
Oh, did I oversleep? Six-thirty? And all is well.
Voilà.
What's all this? What are you doing up so early? A toast.
To the new anti-smog device manufactured by Carter Brothers Industrial Products.
More specifically to the brilliant young fellow who designed their advertising campaign.
They bought it! Yeah.
I couldn't wait to tell you.
Oh, sit down and tell me all the details.
Unless, of course, you're too modest.
You twisted my arm.
What did Mr.
Carter say? Well, among other things, I was called an advertising genius.
I'm so proud of you.
Honey, everyone was.
It's a deal that's good for everyone.
Everything went so smoothly, right from the start.
It was like magic.
Sam, you didn't by any chance? No, Darrin, you did it all yourself.
You are a brilliant advertising man.
I have one fault.
Your modesty.
And I want you to go down today and purchase two tickets for that cruise to Bermuda.
- You mean it? - Larry said a big bonus.
Oh, Darrin, it'll be like a second honeymoon.
- Nothing wrong with the first.
- True.
I'd better get to the office.
Larry's ready to burn incense at my feet.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Congratulations.
Thanks, hon.
Morning, Mommy.
Good morning, sweetheart.
- Daddy go? - Yes, just left.
Daddy didn't go.
Darrin! Darrin? Darrin, you forgot your briefca Tabatha, no! Oh, Tabatha.
Crick ery crock ery heed my wishes Reassemble into dishes Oh, my stars! Bach or "Road to Mandalay" I command you, piano, to play "Melancholy Baby"? Mother! Mother! Mom? I command with all my might This wretched lighter now to light Oh, thank heavens you heard me.
- You called me? - Mother, don't joke.
Well, I merely popped in to see my grandchild.
Well, your "child" child is glad you're here.
Mother, I've lost my powers.
Watch.
Dwindling kindling, earn my praise Fire burn with cheery blaze There, now do you believe me? Oh, darling, forgive the cynicism.
- I'll call Dr.
Bombay.
- Good.
Endora, I've asked you a thousand times to call me at the exchange.
I was at a concert.
- In that getup? - Quite appropriate, I assure you.
Nero was fiddling, Rome was burning.
It was a smasheroo.
- A reenactment, of course.
- Of course.
And I'm very sorry.
But this is an emergency.
Samantha has lost her zap.
Good.
Wouldn't have lasted anyway.
These mixed marriages Not "sap," "zap.
" Oh, sorry.
Stick your tongue out.
Gladly.
Say "ah.
" Is it serious? When did you fly last? Well, I can't remember.
I've been very busy.
Let me see you try simple self-levitation.
The tongue depressor, levitate it.
Have you been practicing your normal day-to-day witchcraft? Well Don't tell me because you're married to one you've been trying to live like one.
- Sad, but true.
- Mother.
My dear girl, you haven't lost your powers they're simply clogged up.
Such neglect of her metaphysics has rendered her earthbound.
- Earthbound? - My dear, there's no need to panic.
But simple levitation is urgent in order to prevent the dam from bursting.
Mother! And you stay there, young lady.
But I can't stay up here, I've got things to do.
Quiet.
If you need me, call.
Through the exchange.
Now you just rest.
We'll have you back on your feet in no time.
Rest? Up here? - Levitation is the only cure.
- How long? Well, Samantha, Rome was neither built nor burned in a day.
Rome didn't have a child to take care of or a house to clean.
Grandmama will take care of little Tabatha.
As for the house you can take care of that yourself when you get better.
Larry, I don't wanna put my feet on your desk.
You don't like my desk? I love your desk.
I'm crazy about your desk.
It's yours.
You're a genius.
"Inhale in Health.
" Oh, are we gonna fill our lungs full of that fresh, clean money.
Darrin, you really earned your bonus this time.
After Nilesmunster signs the contract, I'll sign your bonus check.
- Nilesmunster? - M.
J.
Nilesmunster.
The guy Carter sent to give the contract the final once-over.
- You know him? - I went to school with a Nilesmunster.
Well, if this is a guy you went to school with This was a girl.
- Who was a girl? - Mary Jane Nilesmunster.
What's the matter with you? You know that feeling when you get up in the morning the sun is shining, and the birds are singing so nice and you fall down the whole flight of stairs splat on your face? What are you talking about? Mary Jane Nilesmunster swore she'd get me someday and knowing her, she might pick this day to do it.
Now, look, Darrin I know how important this deal is to you me too but let's not get paranoid.
M.
J.
Nilesmunster represents one of the top manufacturers of the country.
They're up on the big board.
M.
J.
Can't be Mary Jane.
You're right, Larry.
I'm being silly.
- Of course you are.
- I just want everything to work out.
You know me, I'm a walking ulcer.
Do I look worried? - Any word from Nilesmunster yet? - The plane arrived on schedule.
- The appointment was for 2:00? - Yes, Mr.
Tate.
Did you speak to Nilesmunster directly? No, Mr.
Stephens.
She was under the dryer.
Larry, please.
Tell her I'm sick.
Tell her I died.
She's waiting to pull the rug out from under me.
She particularly requested that you be there.
You know why? She wants to see the look on my face when she says, "No deal.
" Hell has no fury like a woman scorned.
So that's it.
Take it from an old hand, they forget.
You don't know Mary Jane.
So long, Larry.
You should see what she wrote in the yearbook.
"Roses are red, violets are blue.
It may take a while, but I'll get you.
" Pinning a girl at prom doesn't mean you're gonna marry her.
I know that but her mother broadcast the engagement all over the state.
- On the radio? - Her mother didn't need a radio.
I've been through it a hundred times.
By now, to her, you're just another face.
Not with her memory.
She could recite both senators from every state.
Don't make me say it, Darrin.
- Say what? - You're just not that memorable.
You're a little guilty.
Tell Sam about it and get it off your chest.
- Good idea, I'll go call her.
- Not now.
It's open.
I'm on long distance.
Make yourselves at home.
That's her.
Mr.
Tate, could you come in for a second? Mr.
Carter wants to speak to you.
- Right.
Mr.
Stephens too? - Just you.
What'd I tell you? - Hello.
- Thank goodness I caught you.
I hope you haven't picked up those tickets to Bermuda.
Well, no, sweetheart.
As a matter of fact, I haven't.
- What's wrong? - I'll explain later.
Something happened to shake up this deal.
Oh, darling, I am sorry.
- Where are you now? - At the hotel.
Well, don't you worry, darling.
We can manage without Samantha, the less contact with humans, in your condition, the better! Samantha can't talk to you anymore.
You! Would you put Samantha back on the phone.
She's indisposed.
- What's that supposed to mean? - She's flying.
- Flying? - I didn't expect you to understand.
- Mother.
- Yes? That was a terrible thing to do, even for you.
You calm yourself.
You're not at all well.
Flying? Flying?! Sam.
Sam, is that you? You didn't have to come all the way down here, honey.
A trip to Bermuda can't mean that much to you.
Sam.
Sam! Sam, please.
Go home! There'll be other deals, other trips to Bermuda, I promise.
Sam! Sam? Honey? Besides, there's nothing you could do, even if I wanted you to.
Sam, please, go home! Sam, please.
Please, Samantha.
Please? Go home.
Mother, you work at trying not to understand.
I know how much this deal means to Darrin.
He needs help.
I've always said that.
Be serious.
Darrin is in some kind of trouble and he needs help.
He'd never ask.
If he was going to ask, he'd probably do it by not asking.
- Don't you see? - Oh, yes.
It's marvellously clear.
This is a fine time for my powers to get clogged up.
Samantha, I learned something very important a long time ago.
When a man asks for help from a woman especially by not asking for help the best thing for her to do is to forget about the whole thing.
- You sure? - Dead certain.
Where'd you learn that? From the Wicked Witch of the West? No, from a divorce lawyer in Southern California.
Oh, Samantha! Really! Sam, please, go home.
I don't want your help.
Whatever you do, I'll undo, so you just might as well go on home.
You're wasting your time.
Besides, I don't like the idea of your mother sitting with the ba by.
Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home.
- That's a fly.
- It is? I'd better have the old optics checked.
Larry! A life.
After all, a fly has as much right to live as a This is Darrin Stephens, Miss Nilesmunster.
- How do you? - I just wanted to say that things in the past have no bearing on things going on right now.
How do you do, Mr.
Stephens? I've been looking forward to meeting you.
How do you do? Well, Stephens, shall we get to the contract? Miss Nilesmunster, before you sign, there's something you should know.
You're being dealt with unfairly.
You see, a long time ago, we knew each other, but you forgot.
But you didn't really forget.
That is The point is, you know me, but you don't know that you know me.
It's a spell! Darrin, Miss Nilesmunster is a very busy woman and I don't think we should delay her any longer than we have to.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Thank you very much, Miss Nilesmunster.
What did I tell you? Oh, Mother, there's Darrin now.
Please let me down.
If you want to get back in shape, you'll stay off your feet.
But he's never been this late.
Mother, I'm worried.
You know what may happen.
Just let me down! Good evening, Samantha.
- Good evening, madam.
- Darrin.
Don't you recognize me either? - What's wrong? - He's soused to the gills, that's what.
Mother, please.
Nonsense, madam.
I'm quite sober.
I had only ti martoonis.
Then take the olives out of your mouth.
You're talking funny.
Funny is better than dreary.
Would you ask Little Miss Muffet to get her tuffet out of here? All right.
But if you need me just light a match near his breath.
I'll see the flames.
Good old Smokey the Bore.
Darrin, what is it? Did the deal fall through? You know darn well the deal didn't fall through.
Well, now, how would I know a thing like that? When you called this afternoon, I figured something was wrong.
And so you right away: - I what? - You: I told you I didn't need your help.
But, no, you're the cavalry.
You're zaphappy, that's what you are.
All right, now, one step at a time.
The deal didn't fall through, and you're mad at me.
Listen, when you landed on my nose, I told you right then Wait, when I landed on your nose? Sammy, you're not going to deny that you turned yourself into a fly and flew down to the hotel and zapped yourself into a two-week cruise to Bermuda? You know something funny? I don't understand one word you're saying.
I haven't left this house all day.
There is nothing worse than a flying lie! A lying fly.
Your own mother said you were flying.
Right here! And for therapy, if you wanna know.
I couldn't have changed myself into anything even if I wanted to.
- You couldn't? - No.
And you know why? Because I've lost my powers.
They're all dammed up.
And if I don't take care of myself, the dam will burst.
- I won't be able to control it - She didn't even recognize me.
Oh, sweetheart, you're not even listening.
Come back.
No power, huh? That's what I've been trying to tell you.
When it comes back, it's out of control.
Wouldn't it be better if you admitted the truth? The truth is that I haven't done anything.
I've been absolutely powerless all day.
I've been trying to get the piano to play, the fire to burn, the lighter to light Oh, Darrin, it isn't me.
Well, I mean, it is, but that's because the dam's burst.
Sam, turn that piano off.
This is a madhouse.
But I can't control it.
I'm warning you, Sam.
I'm gonna have to get out of here.
It's been a rough day.
All right, then.
Go back to your friendly bartender with your mouth full of olives! Well, what'll it be old buddy? On the rocks? I always make them 5-to-1.
A man loses his integrity, he has nothing.
- I'll drink to that.
- Bartender.
- I'll drink to that.
- Keep the change.
I'll drink to that.
You're a married man, you don't have to put up with all the That I won't drink to.
Drink from, yes.
To, no.
My own wife, she had to interfere.
- They're all the same.
- No, they're not, yours is human.
I'd like to take a vote on that.
- Mine's a witch.
- They all are.
- She changed herself into a fly.
- They all change.
Starts out with, "Anything you say, dear," and then But she's not gonna get away with it.
If we go to Bermuda, it's gonna be on my credentials, not on her: Yes, sir.
I'm gonna put a whammy on her hocus-pocus right now.
- You better lay off.
- I'll drink to I recognized you this afternoon.
Oh, people change.
Now, on second look - What did you say? - I said, I recognized you, Darrin.
When I heard the name, I wondered but the minute I laid eyes on you, I knew.
Then why? Well, the last time I saw you, I was very upset.
I threatened childishly.
Let's just say, I prefer not to remember that hysterical, vengeful girl.
I guess you thought I was pretty dense.
I admit, it did cross my mind.
Will you please accept my apology? It's a deal.
Our second today.
Well, I certainly am happy everything worked out.
I think we all are.
Well, you certainly have come a long way.
I mean, from drum majorette to I mean, you hold a very important position in the business world.
For a woman, you mean? Oh, it's all right.
Ladies who work in what's considered a man's job get used to that.
I suppose.
What we don't get used to is keeping up in the business world and taking care of our children at the same time.
- You're married? - Very.
- But "Nilesmunster"? - That's the name on my law degree.
- Are you married? - Yes, I'm married.
- Do you remember? - Whatever happened? - I'm sorry, go ahead.
- No, you.
I was wondering if you knew what happened to that Wilson brat that used to drive you cuckoo? - Harvey Wilson? - Harvey.
I never knew his first name.
We used to call him Stinky.
- That's who I'm married to.
- Wonderful guy.
Well, I'd better get going.
Come on, Sam.
It was stupid male pride.
That's the reason I acted the way I did.
You didn't believe me, that's what hurt.
I'm sorry.
Well, what is a marriage if it isn't based on trust? You're right.
I'm not a liar.
Honey, I promise I'll never doubt you again.
Forgiven? Just one more question.
A fly? Now, don't you think I have more imagination than that? Yes.
I told you it was just stupid male pride.
Okay.
You're forgiven.
One question.
Is this any way to run a marriage? Well I mean, how long are you gonna have to stay like this? Tonight should do it.
Well I guess we can make up tomorrow night.