Dad's Army (1968) s04e06 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? # A room with a view and you # No one to worry us, no one to hurry us # Through this dream we've found We'll bill and we'llcoo Hello, sir.
Wasn't expecting you until tomorrow morning.
No, I didn't go to London after all.
- Lodge meeting cancelled? - No, my wife didn't want to be alone all night.
- I see.
- These air raids trouble the womenfolk.
- Of course they do.
- Yes.
- Time for parade? - Ermjust about, sir.
Yes.
- Right.
- Th-there's no need for you to stay.
- We weren't expecting you.
- That's all right.
Give them some map reading and I'll give a lecture on the future conduct of the war.
- I could do that for you.
- What do you know about that? Well, I could manage.
You could run off home if you like, sir.
- You trying to get rid of me? - Oh, no, of course not.
- Uncle - Yes.
- Hello.
I didn't think you'd be here.
- Evidently not.
Where's your uniform? Me mum's put it in the washtub.
- What? - She said it smelled of bleach.
Of course it smells of bleach.
That's the mustard gas.
Go and grab your bowler hat or she'll have that in the tub an' all.
- Get that uniform here by tomorrow night.
- Yes, sir.
(PHONE RINGS) - See who that is.
- Yes, of course, yes, yes.
- Hello.
- Er, WilsonWilson How many times do I have to tell you not to say ''hello''? Announce yourself.
Officially.
''This is No.
1 Company, B Platoon, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.
''Platoon Sergeant Wilson.
'' Right, sir.
This is No.
1 Platoon, B Company, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, and this Platoon Sergeant Wilson speaking.
Oh, hel-lo! Awfully nice to hear from you again.
Been a long time, hasn't it? It is ridiculous, yes.
- Look, let's try and get together again soon - Who is it? Who is it? It's your wife, sir.
Hello, Elizabeth.
Yes.
But I did give Empress her milk this morning.
Yes.
Yes, I put her out.
What? Of course I'm not mistaken.
I remember distinctly.
She She didn't particularly want to go.
I did.
I shouted goodbye from the kitchen door, dear.
Well, you don't like me walking across the parquet in my military boots.
- (WILSON CHUCKLES) - Just a moment.
- Wilson.
- Sir? - Go and get the men on parade.
- Right, sir, right.
Yes.
Hello? Erno, I haven't seen Corporal Jones yet, no.
But I will, all in good time.
You must realise, dear, it's difficult asking for under-the-counter oxtail and still trying to keep discipline in the platoon.
I do think you're being a little unreasonable about this Ooh! - Are the men ready for inspection? - Yes.
One or two are missing, though.
- Well, call the roll.
- Right, sir.
Jones, would you call the roll? Right, Sergeant, right.
Agnew? Not here.
Hardcastle? Not here.
Godfrey? Not here.
Jones? Not here.
Oh, yes, sir, I'm here.
Jones? Sir! Jones? What's going on here? Well, I'm afraid there's a slight touch of absenteeism, sir, without leave.
There jolly well is! What's the explanation? Where is everybody? WellerI'd rather not say, sir.
- What are you talking about? - It would be sneaking.
Sneaking? I don't want any of that public school rubbish here.
I demand to know their whereabouts.
They're They're in the pub, sir, playing darts.
- They're what? - Playing darts against the ARP wardens.
- You gave them permission? - Well, Isaid I didn't think it was a good idea and if it was all the same to them, I would rather that they didn't.
They thought they'd get away with it, but I knew you'd be suspicious as soon as you heard the words ''fall in''.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Back to your place.
- Very good, sir.
This is absurd! The moment my back is I'll pretend that this parade was called for ten minutes later.
- You have ten minutes to get them back.
- Yes.
- Right.
Off you go.
Move.
- Right, sir.
Wilson? I said move.
- I am moving, sir.
- Well, move faster.
Very glad to see you here, Pike.
- Oh, my mum doesn't like me going into pubs.
- Quite right.
Jones, as usual, you put duty first and didn't join the team.
I wasn't picked.
There we are, 47.
Chalk it up, Mr Godfrey.
That's 58 to the wardens, and the Home Guard still on 301.
Cor blimey, isn't it about time you fellas got started? Get a double, otherwise they'll whitewash us.
Whist, whist, Joe.
You're putting me off.
Did you ever do any better? Would you like me to move the board a bit nearer? - Hello, Mave! You're late tonight.
- I had to get Frank off to his parade.
- Is Arthur here? - No, he's minding the shop up the drill hall.
What's Pikey's mum doing with the warden? How long's this been going on? Dissipation is eating through the land like Like worms in a coffin lid.
- Should be interesting.
- Eryou know, I think perhaps it wasn't It wasn't such a good idea after all, you know, toto miss the parade.
You know what he's like.
He gets awfully - Mavis.
What a surprise! - Yes, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
II - Here you are, gin and tonic.
You all right? And don't get all Nelly Dean like you did last week.
'Scuse me, mate.
Ooh, cor blimey! How d'you do? Mavis, do youdo you know thisthis fellow? - He looks after me from time to time.
- What? - He looks after you? What does that mean? - You've got to help me.
- Say the drink's from you.
- What for? - If he finds out we're going out, he'll kill me.
- Yon sergeant? He couldn't punch a hole in a new-laid egg.
Couldn't he? - Oi! - You talking to me? - You should be back at the hall, playing soldiers.
- I'm here to fetch the men.
They're not coming.
Us wardens are winning, so go and present your arms somewhere else.
- I don't think I like your tone.
- No? Try this one.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) That was really rather vulgar, I think.
Bloody awful, that was.
- You'd better come home with me at once.
- He's bought me a drink.
- I'd like to finish it, if you don't mind.
- All right, yes.
Yes.
If you wish.
Yes, I suppose Yes.
Yes.
I suppose so.
WellwellI'll see you later.
- Right-o, sarge.
- See you later.
That was interesting.
Makes me sick.
To hell with a man that won't fight for his woman.
- I saw him off all right, didn't I? - Yes.
And we'll continue the game when your hands stop shaking.
Elizabeth? (CLEARS THROAT) ErI was just going to explain that when you slammed the receiver down.
When you PUT the receiver down, then.
I've not seen him yet.
I've a disciplinary crisis on my shoulders.
I How long do you want the man to continue maintaining his weapon, sir? It's all right, Jones, he can stop now.
ErJones - Sir? - Jones, Ium I wanted a little word with you.
- Ersit down, sit down.
- Thank you, sir.
Being a butcher, your business life must be rather difficult at the moment.
It is, it is, sir.
Everyone wants a bit under the counter.
Yes, I'm sure they do.
If I could tell you some of the things I've been offered for a bit on the side, it'd make your hair stand on end.
Yes, I'm sure it would.
Though mind you, I couldn't take advantage of half of 'em.
- Not even if I was so inclined.
- No.
Well, as you know, IIInever ask any favours.
- But, erm - I don't follow you, sir.
Well, it's just thisridiculous urge that Mrs Mainwaring has conceived for oxtail.
You know how women are, from time to time.
You mean, er, like pickles, sir? - Pickles? - Yes, sir.
Pickles.
- I don't quite follow.
- At certain times, ladies take a fancy to pickles.
- Do they? - Yes, sir.
She doesn't want pickles, she wants oxtail.
She shall have one, sir.
The finest one in my cold room, and I'll deliver it personally.
- That's very kind.
Thank you, Corporal.
- This is an exciting bit of news, sir.
- What is? - Well, you know, Mrs Mainwaring fancying a bit of oxtail, if you know what I mean.
I wouldn't have said it was particularly exciting.
At any rate, it must be very unexpected.
Not really.
It's just that she gets like that from time to time.
Excuse me asking, sir, buthow is it you've never had any? I don't know.
I suppose I've never wanted to ask for your help before.
(PHONE RINGS) HQ Elizabeth? Yes Oh, I've got very good news for you, my dear.
Yes, your troubles are over.
And Mr Jones is going to deliver it himself.
- Right, thank you very much.
That's all.
- Thank YOU very much, sir, thank you.
Ah, there you are.
Right.
Get the men on parade.
- What was that? - Get the men on parade.
The men Oh, yes, the men.
Yes, of course.
Yes, II Yes, well, I'm not sure that they're here yet.
You came away without them? - I suppose I must have done.
- Didn't you tell them? - I think so.
- That's what you went for! You see, this fellow Hodges, this warden fellow He was giving Mavis drinks, and he said last week she was Nelly Dean - I beg your pardon? - And then he made a rude noise.
A rude noise.
I think your mind's wandering, Wilson.
You're letting it dwell too much on unhealthy things.
I'll give you one more chance.
I'm going back to the pub with you.
If we don't get the men back here, you'll be relieved of your command and under open arrest.
- Corporal Jones? - Sir.
- You're coming with us to the public house.
- Thank you very much, sir.
It could well be that destiny is moving in your direction.
- Look who's coming.
- I'm in the mood for 'im.
If you're here to break up the game, think again, 'cause they're not coming.
I've nothing to say to you, so kindly mind your own business.
Walker.
Do that tunic up.
- You're a disgrace.
- We thought you were in London.
- Do as Daddy says, do your tunic up.
- Will you be quiet? Now, listen, men.
I don't know if this is deliberate disobedience or just a misunderstanding.
But you're all absent off parade.
Double up and fall in outside.
- It's one game all.
You're not leaving.
- Oh, yes, they are.
Well, sir, it's a little bit difficult.
We promised him a game.
War is more important than games.
Yeah, but the Nazis aren't coming just this minute.
We've got half an hour or so.
- We're finishing the game.
- Yeah, like Drake.
If the bells ring, I'll send them round in time for the battle.
We'll bring our darts.
We'renot coming, sir.
Don't speak to me like that.
Fall in outside.
You cannae make us.
- Private Godfrey? - He's not coming either.
- Well, sir, I - Don't rat on us, you blackleg! I think you've taken leave of your senses.
Anyway .
.
if you're back in the next five minutes, we'll say no more.
- Get off your high horse and have a pint.
- Have a couple of jars and we'll go together.
Come on, Wilson.
They've had too much to drink or they wouldn't be behaving this way.
- Corporal Jones.
- I've got a pint coming up.
Jones! MavisI really would like you to come back with me now, please.
What would I do then? Watch you lot playing soldiers? - Wilson - Yes? Right, sir, I'm coming.
That's got rid of him.
It's one game all.
Here we go, then.
That's it.
- Ah - (WARDEN) I'm shooting for a double.
I'm not sure we've done the right thing.
- He was a bit put out.
- He's nothing but a bag of wind.
I don't like to let him down.
He wouldn't let me down.
I'd rather go back.
No, you don't! We're in this together and we'll see it through together.
I won't see any creeper crawling back.
Hang on.
I think we ought to stick together.
I'm sorry.
That sort of talk doesn't influence me.
I have to do what is right.
- You blackleg! - Don't say that.
Don't call him that.
Are you gonna play or stand there blathering? Come on, Joe, it's your go.
Yeah, all right, come on.
We'll play darts.
There you go.
This whole thing is totally beyond my comprehension, Wilson.
I meanfancy the men not wanting to come on parade.
I mean, it's the highlight of my day.
Do you know, whilst I'm having my tea, I can feel the excitement mounting inside me.
I put on my uniform and march down here, and I feel pride in what we're doing and what we've achieved.
We're doing something for England.
This platoon we've worked for months to mould into ainto an efficient fighting body is stuck in a bar, drunk, whingeing.
What? Walkerwith a cigarette drooping from his mouth, collar wide open, like a lounge lizard.
I justII don't understand it.
Do you? Mm? - I don't understand it.
Do you? - No, II can't understand what she sees in him.
He's such a coarse sort of man, don't you think? Coarse.
You haven't heard one word I've been saying.
I'm afraid I've got bad news, sir.
Those absentees, sir, are still unpresent.
They've got to be taught a lesson.
I'd like to teach them a lesson.
Put them on a fizzer.
- We can't do that! - Well, give them some field punishment.
We could tie them to the wheels of a gun carriage.
- We don't have one.
- Take away their privileges.
We haven't got any.
- We can give them some, then take them away.
- (PHONE RINGS) - See who that is.
- I expect it's your wife.
Oh, no.
That'll be the last straw.
Look here, Elizabeth, I really must ask you not What, sir? I beg your pardon.
(COUGHS) Great Scott! Yes.
Yes, of course.
You can rely on us for every support possible.
I'll send every available man I have.
All right.
Leave the matter in my hands.
Right.
Bye.
This would happen now.
- An IRA suspect located in Ivy Crescent.
- That's a police job.
Well, it would be normally, yes.
Apparently he's armed.
The police have no weapons.
They need our support.
They shall have it.
We shall be there, we shall be there - Shall I run to the pub and get the others, sir? - No.
Three loyal men are worth 100 backsliders.
No, no.
We'll march alone.
What did he say about the backsides? What was that? - This is it.
27.
- Where's that police squad, then? - They're supposed to be here.
- The Home Guard? - Yes.
Captain Mainwaring.
- I'm a policeman.
How do you do? - Where's your squad? - I'm the only one they could spare.
- There isn't a raid on.
Where's the rest of them? - Playing darts.
Against the Free French.
The sergeant would've called it off, only he don't know the French for ''cancelled''.
I see.
We'll just have to see it through ourselves.
Best be careful.
They can be pretty ugly customers and he's armed an' all.
We're not worried about arms.
We shall be using ju-jitsu.
Nowwhen he comes out, you see, I shall grab his arm.
Jones will kneel down here to trip him up.
Not now, not now! Pike, you'll dive in and get him in a lock.
- What sort of lock? - What about this one, sir? Lucky for you I didn't counter that or you'd be flat on your back by now.
Right.
Here we go.
- Now, take this gun.
- Right, sir.
- Stand over there.
- Right.
- Don't shoot unless it's absolutely necessary.
- Right, sir.
Remember this man is Britishbasically.
Sir, you ought to ring again.
He might be listening to Lord Haw Haw or Vera Lynn.
- He's coming.
- Stand by.
- Here, what am I supposed to do? - Arrest him, of course.
Right, here we go! Right! Oh, oh! Hey, it's Mr Mainwaring! There, there.
It's an awful mischief you'll do yourself if you're not more careful.
- And at your time of life an' all.
- Grab him before he gets his gun.
- Let go of my arm.
Let go.
- I've got 'im! Don't you try any more tricks.
What tricks would I be playing? I am a God-fearing man and a faithful servant of His Holiness the Pope.
Your name Patrick Regan? Ah, nownownow, that would be me twin brother you're talking about.
- Are you after him again? - He's bluffing, Constable.
- Take him to the station.
- We can't.
- It was bombed the night before last.
- So it was.
- Where can we take him? - We can hang him on a hook in my cold room.
- They'll pick him up from your HQ.
- Right, we'll take him there.
Wilson, keep in behind.
- Try anything and it'll be the worse for you.
- What would I be trying? I don't blame you for being cautious.
My twin's a terrible rough man.
If I had been him, you'd have been in mortal danger.
We've had enough blarney out of you.
Quick march.
Left, right, left, right! Double four, then.
That's it! - Talk about jammy.
- Two pints all round! Where's your share, Taffy? - (WARDEN) Lovely! - Sorry, the beer's off! Cor blimey! After bashing the daylights out of 'em? That is bad luck.
- Never mind.
Another time.
- Oh, no.
No.
no.
Gambling debts have to be paid on the spot, or not at all.
Take the barrel in the kitchen and put it through the mangle.
Sorry, boys.
There's a war on.
I'm worried about Mainwaring.
Let's go and finish off the parade.
- You've the heart of a coward.
- No, I don't like to see him upset.
I'm coming too, 'cause I can't wait to see his face when he hears we beat his precious troops.
- Come on.
- Arthur'll be there! Who cares about 'im? Come on! Right, bring him in here.
Sit down there and behave yourself.
Listen here, buddy.
One false move, and you'll be wearing a wooden overcoat.
- Pike? - Yes, boss? Don't be silly.
You've a desperate band of men, General.
On the way here, I had a feeling we were being followed.
Don't be neurotic, Wilson.
- Constable, go and look for the wagon.
- Yes.
Oh, here's your gun back.
Where is he, then? - Where is he, then? - Pardon me? Where is who? The military man who's laid hands on Pat O'Regan.
I'll paper the walls with his guts.
Oh, I see.
He's at the side of the stage, in one of the dressing rooms.
Come on, boys.
- Oh, good evening, Captain.
- Where've you been? First I should tell there are three Irishmen out there who say they'll do awful things to you.
- Seamus, I'm in here.
- Get him, Pike! Do that again and you'll get this up you, and you will not like it.
- Give me the gun.
- I haven't got the gun.
- I gave it to you.
- I must've given it back.
- Shut that door.
- I have.
- The key.
- I don't have it.
- I've locked it.
- Good.
- Run like the wind and get the others.
- Yes, sir.
Weren't three loyal men better than 100 on their backside? Don't talk rubbish! Go on.
- Open up, misbegotten sons of Britannia.
- That's enough of that.
- Surrender in the name of the King.
- Stuff the KingI - Come in.
- I've locked him in the hall, sir.
- Quick thinking.
- If I hadn't, he'd have done for you.
- I'm very grateful.
-When the vicar finds out, there'll be a rumpus.
It's a misuse of the hall.
- Can't talk now.
- You said it's for parades You're a troublemaker! I'm not a troublemaker.
You are.
- YOU'RE the troublemaker.
- The pair of you are troublemakers.
Mind your own business! (POUNDING ON DOOR) Look out! - Sorry we're late.
- They were on their way.
- I've told them all to report for duty.
- Good.
Let's do something.
Open the door, then we will storm in and assault them.
Hang on, I ought to go first.
I volunteer to be first.
- You can't go first.
- All right Let Walker go first.
- Ready? - Aye.
Right, open the door.
In we go! (PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Mrs Mainwaring, I'm afraid he's rather occupied at the moment.
He's awfully busy.
See you later.
Goodbye.
- What's going on? - Where's Frank? (MAVIS) Frank! - He's got my bayonet! He took my bayonet! - (POUNDING ON DOOR) Open the door! That's softened them up a bit.
- He's hurt! - I'm bleeding! - Do something! - All right! Jonesy, will you open that door? - Just open the door.
- What are you doing? (PUNCHING AND GROANING) Good God! - I'd never have believed it.
- Just clear off, will you? Yes, I will! I could do with an early night.
- We could all do with an early night.
- Well, I'd like a few drinks.
Well, men.
We've all had a good early night.
And none of us is the worse for our experiences.
I am proud of the way you tackled an extremely dangerous task.
As for the other lapse, we'll forget that because I don't suppose it will happen again.
- Sir, you can rely on us.
- I was against it from the very start.
There is one other thing I'd like to mention.
That is this.
Owing to a misunderstanding between Corporal Jones and myself, rumours have been circulating regarding my wife's condition.
They are quite untrue.
We've never been blessed that way, but in every other way, it's been a most happy marriage.
In fact, almost blissful.
(PHONE RINGS) - Would you like me to answer, sir? - No, thank you, Sergeant.
It'll probably be for me.