Daria s04e06 Episode Script

Daria, have you seen my new Teenage Superstars magazine? I couldn't help myself.
I've plastered my walls with its hot, sexy pinups.
Now, did you see your father? When was the last time you saw him? Hello? Anybody? Please? Is anybody out there? Am I the only one left in the house? If I help you with the first question, will you try to do the second one on your own? Daria! Thank God! Your mother's at her work thing and Quinn's at her school thing and I thought I'd be stuck in here forever.
Okay, listen closely.
There's a knob on the door.
Turn it counterclockwise.
We're all out of toilet paper, kiddo! Would you believe it? Oh.
Well, I'll go grab some from downstairs.
There isn't any downstairs.
That's why I ran up here.
I see.
Walking away now with too much information.
Kiddo, could you hurry over to Drugs N' Stuff and pick up a few rolls? I get stuck on the hurry part.
Damn it.
How in hell would Helen handle this? She'd offer me a bribe.
Yeah! If you can make it back in 15 minutes, I'll give you five bucks.
A decent bribe.
Twenty! You're on.
See you in a few minutes.
Hurry, kiddo! Ten minutes.
I'll never make it home in time to get that 20.
Of course, I could always turn back all the clocks in the house, but how will I get to his wristwatch? I wonder if they sell chloroform here.
Next.
Can I help you, dear? No, I just came to enjoy your reenactment of the fall of Saigon.
You mean the crowd? Well, what do you expect on homecoming night? Homecoming night? Everyone in town is lining up to see the parade.
Now, really look inside your work, and ask: in focusing so intently on my subject, have I neglected my negative space? Daria! Have you seen Jane? Not lately.
I was hoping she might help us paint windows.
We need her color sense.
CeCe, I'm going to throw paint on you! Now, Gary, don't you dare! No, people.
Treasure you medium.
Must get home must get home Ah! You'll pay through the nose for that shot, missy.
Unless you can give me a plausible reason for your being here.
I was having too much fun at home, so I thought I'd go out and get killed by an unstable parade float.
Yep, through the nose.
I'd stay and talk, but I've got 20 bucks riding on my quick escape.
Join me? Got a date with a thoughtless delinquent.
You're meeting Tom here? What better place than a high school homecoming to chronicle the anarchic death spiral of Western society? So your date consists of making fun of people.
If you must be all simplistic about it.
And you're here because My dad sent me on an emergency errand and I got stranded.
I'm betting he's stranded, too.
Oh, look! Hope you have time for a cheer before you go.
Okay, girls, let's pump up the spirit.
Who's the team that's number one? Lawndale! Lawndale! Who's the team that's lots of fun? Lawndale! Lawndale! Go football! Hmm! Kevin, maybe we shouldn't be so friendly up here.
Relax, babe.
You're the football sweetheart and I'm the Q.
B.
I'm supposed to be touching you and stuff.
It's the law.
But Brittany's my friend, and she's right there.
Hey, we're elected officials.
It's like manifold destiny.
Um, Kevin? We're all supposed to be throwing candy.
Cool! That's it.
When the candy reaches escape velocity, it's time to leave.
Where the hell is Tom? He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.
I wouldn't let it bother you.
Just because he's a few minutes late doesn't mean he's an inconsiderate jerk who will ultimately bring you nothing but misery.
I'm glad you're starting to warm to him.
I need to cross this street now if I want to make it home before the next ice age.
See you.
Godspeed, Indiana Morgendorffer.
Ms.
Morgendorffer, where do you think you're going? Slowly insane.
But I need to pop in at home first.
As principal of Lawndale High, I can't just permit spectators to cross a parade route.
Right.
Isn't that how World War I started? Things could get ugly.
Things already have, but I don't have time to debate this right now.
Crowd control inadequate.
Next year, consider electric fences.
I can still make it back in time.
All I need is a catapult and a good tailwind.
Rah, rah, rah! We're number one! Um, I think the roaring '20s are back that way.
Let's do the Lawndale shuffle.
How about the "get the hell away from me" slide? My head's too big.
That's because it's so full of dreams.
Rah, rah, rah.
Please help me up.
Ms.
Li's gone.
I'm out of here.
Tad? Daria? Oh, Daria, I'm scared! So am I.
Where are your mom and dad? I don't know.
I saw a windmill in the toy store window so I went to look, because they're such a clean source of energy, and when I turned around, everyone was gone.
Now I'm frightened I'll be stuck in this parade forever.
I know the feeling.
Let's find you a cop.
Oh, no.
Won't you stay with me, Daria? Come on.
Much to my surprise, my conscience tells me I should help you find your parents.
Hooray! With you along, this'll be an exciting adventure, like the travels of Babar.
Easy on the elephant comparisons, kid.
Stupid conscience.
What's your favorite part of the parade, Daria? The thigh no, wait, the drumstick.
Oh.
I like the clowns.
Of course you do.
Keep looking for your parents.
I also like it when they throw candy from the floats.
Since when do you eat candy? You told me it was poison.
Oh, it is, but every piece I catch is one cavity some other boy or girl will never get.
That's what makes it so rewarding.
Tad, when you brush your teeth, do you ever scrub right through to your brain? Oh, look! Do you think he'll be throwing candy from his car? No, that car has things thrown at it.
Do my eyes deceive me? The divine Ms.
Mmm and who may I ask is your young suitor? I'm not supposed to give my name to strange people.
And they don't come any stranger than this.
So quick to dismiss.
I like that for a while.
Daria? Oh.
Tom.
Aren't you supposed to be with Jane? She was waiting for you in front of Drugs N' Stuff.
Oh.
She just said to meet at the pharmacy.
I thought she meant the other one.
I guess it was just a big misunderstanding.
Anyway, who's this? Tad.
Former baby-sitting job.
He's lost, and we're looking for his parents.
Hiya, Tad, I'm Tom.
Mind if I tag along with you guys? Actually, we'd be better off We're both headed back toward Drugs N' Stuff.
We can help each other.
If you really want to walk with us, fine, but I don't think you'll find Jane.
I've never seen this street so crowded before.
It is a stunning array of pod people.
It's times like these I'm glad I don't go to your school.
Uh-huh.
And I suppose your ivy-choked prep school is any better? Wait a minute.
Was I just defending Lawndale? You know, I think you were.
We never had this conversation.
What conversation? All this waving is making my arm tired.
Isn't there something else we can do? There was, until someone handed out all our head shots at once.
I didn't mean to.
Oh, I should have paced myself better.
We should do something that showcases our, like, charity and stuff.
Perhaps we could select a less fortunate girl from the audience and give her a makeover.
That is such a good idea, Sandi.
Maybe we should hop a float.
We could see more people that way, and more people could see us.
One: I don't hop floats.
Two: I don't hop.
Come on, Daria.
You gotta embrace the nightmare.
Don't you want to wave to the crowd? Look, Tom, I know that you and Jane see this whole thing as a big joke, but that's not me.
I stand corrected.
This whole thing is a big joke.
Um, Quinn? Isn't that your relative or whatever walking toward us? Oh, no.
Okay, we need to speed up now.
Ow! My back.
This is perfect.
We can make her over.
Wow! The crowd will be amazed.
Wait, not that float.
Daria! Come on! Don't leave me! Daria! Okay, we looked.
Now let's get down before We'll need to apply some base.
But first, some pre-base.
Do you want to use my scrunchie? Please use my scrunchie.
I'll take the "before" picture.
Call them off or I start hugging you.
You wouldn't dare! Try me.
Isn't it great how they keep electing us Homecoming King and Queen every year? Yes, it's such a generous and enlightened gesture.
It completely makes up for the town's utter lack of diversity, in my mind.
And we're playing into it.
Damn college applications.
This is so humiliating.
This is so humiliating! Let go of me! Not until she holsters that hair spray.
Um, Quinn's cousin or whatever? Could you just let us pull your hair back? It won't, like, hurt.
That product was tested on bunnies and kitties! It was?! You're a mean old witch.
I am not old! You're mean I am not old Quinn, your friend and her friends aren't getting into the spirit.
They shouldn't even be up here.
There's a news flash.
We're looking for Tad's parents.
Have you seen them? No.
Now get down.
Come on, Tad.
Enough of this ivory tower.
Back to the streets.
You don't respect other species' rights.
Shove it, veggie boy.
That girl just doesn't know what's good for her.
Tell me about it.
Wait till I tell my parents I was on a real live float and I met an animal abuser.
Uh-oh.
The animals are about to exact their revenge.
Here we go, Lawndale, here we go! Didn't I just leave you for dead a while ago? Beat it.
Come on, let's have a cheer! She said beat it, Leo! Wow.
That was the modern equivalent of laying your cape over a puddle of water for me.
Well, I don't know you well enough to wear my cape around you.
Wait a minute, was that a smile I just saw? A twitch more of a tic, really.
I knew you were having fun.
Why hide it? You need to learn how to laugh out loud at the ridiculous horror of all this.
Look -- cheerleaders! The Lions can't be beat! They're lightning on their feet! They're the best team on our street or lots of other streets.
He touched her butt.
Did anyone else see? He touched her butt! Okay, Mr.
Busy Hands.
Let's see how your team does without cheerleaders to back you up! This is magnificent.
When Homecoming Parades Turn Hellish.
Now, aren't you glad you were here to see this? Well, I definitely understand why you wanted to share this with Jane.
Sorry you never hooked up.
It's okay.
By now she'd be so busy snapping pictures she'd forget I was even here.
You know how she is.
Yeah, I know how she is.
Thanks for getting lost in the moment with me.
Um, you're welcome? What do you think of all this, Tad? Tad? Tad? Oh, no.
He couldn't have gone far.
Did we pass any windmills? Tad? Tad Gupty? I was holding his hand last, Daria.
I'll take responsibility.
Maybe we should start waving again.
Why play into this stupid charade any more than we have to? We don't have to do anything.
Hell, we don't have to be up here.
That's actually a good point.
What's the worst they could do to us? What happened? Oh, what the hell.
Is that Daria? What's she doing at a homecoming parade? Tad? Tad? I can't believe this.
Hey, it could be worse.
Let's see in the past half-hour, I've lost the chance to make 20 bucks, lost my dignity on a float, and, oh, yeah I lost a seven-year-old child.
Weren't you also carrying some toilet paper before? Yeah.
Okay, now I'm angry.
Daria! Tom! I found my parents! They were looking for me! Of course we were looking for you, honey.
We were so worried.
Daria, Tad told us all about how you stayed with him.
How can we ever repay you? I hear uncut diamonds are as good as cash on the open market.
Yes, well, thank you, Daria.
The next time you baby-sit, we'll be sure to have some extra carrot sticks in the fridge, just for you! Come on, honey, Daria here is a hero.
I say we get her some dried fruit.
My cup runneth over.
Mom! Dad! We're missing the parade! Well, I guess we'd better find a good spot.
Thanks again, Daria.
Um, this is where I saw Jane before, but she's not here now.
We've done what we can.
I wouldn't stress about it.
We're having a good time, right? Help me Not you again.
Remember us? We're the ones who don't enjoy your hilarious antics.
Can't breathe What's he saying? It's either "canned beef" or "can't breathe.
" The latter.
Hello? Where am I? Oh I can't believe it.
It's Mr.
O'Neill.
And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddling kids.
Oh, my whenever I cut loose, I always go overboard.
Oh Get going! We can't.
The parade stopped moving again.
We can't just stay here forever.
The same people have been staring at us for too long.
It's like looking into the sun.
It's like, really pretty? But if you do it for too long, you get wrinkles.
Yeah.
It kind of hurts, too.
Move! Move, you big, ugly vehicles! Eww ! I don't understand.
Maybe the electric blanket is putting undue stress on the battery.
I don't care what your excuse is, Don Guano.
You need to roll this car out of the way right now.
That's the spirit.
Let your blood boil.
You're holding up the parade.
Now get out of here, or we put on the cuffs.
Thanks, Daria.
It's for the yearbook.
I'm getting some really great pictures of couples tonight.
No, Ted, we're not a I don't even go to this school.
Well, it's about time.
We've been looking all over for you.
What do you mean, been looking? Tom and I ran into each other.
We've been up and down the entire parade route.
Together? And yet, no torn clothes? No blood? No missing organs? No, we got along pretty well.
Right, Daria? Right.
I guess.
I said to meet at Drugs N' Stuff.
Where were you, you big dope? No, you said at the pharmacy.
He was at the other one waiting for you.
That's where I met him ran into him.
Mm-hmm.
I tried there, too.
You guys must have left before I got there, I guess, I guess.
Well, come on.
Let's get some pizza and compare battle scars.
Come on, Daria! Oh, my gosh! This is so much fun! Oops, sorry.
We're having a paint fight.
Whoo! Oh, no, civilian casualties.
You look great, Daria.
I can't believe this? Are you okay? I'm Here, take my jacket.
Wish I'd worn my cape.
Huh? No, I'm fine.
Really, I've always wanted an amazing Technicolor dreamcoat.
I've trained her well.
Never fear paint.
Come on, Daria.
We'll stop by your house and you can shower and change before we head out.
No, come out like that, Daria.
Shake up your image.
You know, why don't you two just go on ahead? I think I'll skip the pizza tonight.
Aw, come on.
Yeah, come on, Daria.
I'm kind of beat.
Okay, see you around.
I'll call you later.
Well, I never would have believed it.
Look at you, Daria.
All decked out in the Lawndale colors.
I knew if you just gave school spirit a chance, you'd like it.
Go, Lawndale! Right, Daria? See you in class.
Rah.
Daria? Daria?! Please come home, Daria.
Come on, I've read this article about the Olsen twins five times! I knew I should've made it 30 bucks.