Doug (1991) s04e06 Episode Script
Doug's Birthday Present/Doug's Fan Club
( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
( baby crying )
Mr. Funnie:
QUACK, QUACK!
TWEET, TWEET.
LOOK AT THE BABY.
OH, SHE'S CUTE.
Doug:
MY DAD TAKES BABY PORTRAITS
AT THE BUSY BEAVER
DEPARTMENT STORE
AND HE'S THE BEST.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU DO IT, PHIL.
ONLY YOU COULD GE
JIMMY TO STOP CRYING.
( crying )
IT'S A GIFT.
YOU PAY FOR I
AT CUSTOMER SERVICE
ORDER YOUR PRINTS
AND THEY'LL FIX YOU UP.
SHH, SUGAR,
YOU'LL SEE THE
NICE MAN NEXT YEAR.
DOUG!
HEY, DAD.
HEY, MR. FUNNIE.
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
DOUG'S BIRTHDAY
IS IN 12 DAYS
SIX HOURS
AND 11 MINUTES.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT KIND OF PRESEN
DO YOU WANT, SON?
I WAS THINKING
( girl screams )
Beebe:
A STEAMBOAT!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
HONEY PUMPKIN.
COOL!
WOW!
HE'S THE BEST DADDY
EVER, ISN'T HE?
DON'T TOUCH, SKEETER.
( phone rings )
BLUFF HERE.
YES?
YES, OKAY.
GOT TO RUN, HONEY.
HEY, DAD, ISN'T THIS
THE COOLEST BIRTHDAY
PRESENT YOU EVER SAW?
YEAH, REAL COOL, SON.
DAD?
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
( barks )
MY DAD ACTED FUNNY
ALL THE REST OF THAT DAY.
AND I
HAS TWO 2,500-
HORSEPOWER ENGINES
AND CAN GO OVER
200 MILES AN HOUR
AND IT HAS AN
AIRLOCK, RIGHT, DAD?
HMM.
OH, PLEASE,
MAY I THROW UP?
WELL, THAT'S WHA
BEEBE SAID, AND IT HAD
( clinking )
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BU
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE--
AN IMPORTAN
ANNOUNCEMENT.
I'M LEAVING
THE BUSY BEAVER.
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WELL, I HAVE TO,
IF I'M GOING TO OPEN
MY OWN
PHOTO STUDIO.
PHIL!
WE'LL HAVE TO TIGHTEN
OUR BELTS A LITTLE
BUT IF THINGS GO WELL
WE'LL BE FINANCIALLY SECURE
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH.
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH
PHIL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
OH, SURE, SURE,
OF COURSE.
WOW! FINANCIALLY SECURE
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, MY BOY,
IS THIS THE LIFE, OR WHAT?
TOP DRAWER, FATHER.
AND WATCH THIS.
GOOD SHOW, FATHER.
CAPITAL BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
I'VE GOT AN EVEN
BIGGER SURPRISE.
PHIL & DOUG'S PHOTORAMA.
WHY, FATHER,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
WELL, OF COURSE I SHOULD.
WHO BETTER TO CARRY ON
IN MY FOOTSTEPS?
THIS WOULD BE GREAT.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE
THE PLACE DAD PICKED OU
FOR HIS NEW BUSINESS.
Phil:
WELL, HERE IT IS, THE FUTURE
HOME OF PHIL'S FAMILY PHOTOS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S REALLY
NICE, DEAR.
IT'S SO
UNDERSTATED.
IS IT REALLY
THAT BAD?
I THINK IT'S GREAT.
THAT'S MY BOY TALKING.
YOU KIDS ARE GOING
TO BE SO HAPPY.
BEFORE YOU KNEW IT
DAD HAD FIXED THE PLACE UP
AND HAD THE GRAND OPENING.
KIND OF SLOW, HUH, DAD?
SLOW? NOT AT ALL.
IT'S JUST OUR FIRST DAY,
AND FIRST DAYS ARE ALWAYS
WAIT A MINUTE.
GET THE PAINT,
WILL YOU, SON?
Doug:
"GRAND OPENING-- 25% OFF."
GREAT IDEA, DAD.
NO PROBLEM,
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
I'LL JUST
"50% OFF."
THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
"FREE?"
OH! ARE YOU SURE
THAT'S WISE, DEAR?
IT'S GOOD BUSINESS.
ONCE THEY'RE
HOOKED
THEY'LL KEEP
COMING BACK.
( cars approaching )
Doug:
WOW! IT WORKED, DAD,
YOU'RE A GENIUS.
WE ALL PITCHED IN TO HELP,
BUT AS THE DAY WORE ON
( crying )
( crying and commotion )
OH! ARE YOU SURE THIS IS
THE WAY TO HANDLE THIS?
I GOT EVERYTHING
UNDER CONTROL.
YOU JUST TAKE THE PICTURES.
THAT'S RIGHT,
FIRST DAY FREE.
QUACK, QUACK!
( making animal noises )
( loud scream )
( melodic howling )
( shrieking )
Phil:
NEXT!
IT WAS LIKE THAT ALL DAY.
I WASN'T AS GOOD AS MY DAD
BUT HE WAS TOO BUSY
TO DEAL WITH THE BABIES.
SO HOW DID WE DO?
IF I DON'T COUNT RENT OR
THE COST OF FIXING THIS PLACE UP
OUR PROFIT IS
HEY, SOMEBODY LEF
A QUARTER.
25 CENTS--
THAT'S GREAT.
MOST PLACES LOSE MONEY
THEIR FIRST YEAR
AND WE'VE MADE A PROFIT.
WHO KNOWS WHAT MONEY
THE NEXT FEW WEEKS
WILL BRING IN.
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH,
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH
I WISH
YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.
DO WHAT?
KIDS, LET'S GO.
YOU HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW.
GOOD-BYE, HONEY.
BYE.
WELL, AREN'
YOU COMING, DAD?
NO, YOU GUYS GO AHEAD.
I MUST PRINT THESE PHOTOS.
I DON'T HAVE
DARKROOM ASSISTANCE
LIKE I DID BEFORE.
SEE YOU TOMORROW, SON.
BUT HE DIDN'T COME HOME
THE NEXT MORNING
YOUR DAD HAD BOOKKEEPING
TO CATCH UP ON.
HE'LL BE HOME FOR DINNER.
OR THAT NIGHT.
( ringing )
CAREFUL, DOUGLAS!
HELLO, DAD?
( garbled voice )
OH, OKAY, SEE YOU.
HE'S STILL GOT MORE WORK.
HE'LL BE BACK REAL LATE.
IT WAS LIKE THAT ALL WEEK.
( car approaching )
DAD?
( brakes squeal )
ALL RIGHT!
( door closes )
DAD?
HOWDY, PARTNER.
WHERE ARE WE
ON THE BIRTHDAY COUNTDOWN?
FOUR DAYS.
IT'S GOING
TO BE A DOOZIE.
( tires squeal )
YOUR FATHER IS VERY SORRY
BUT HE WON'T BE ABLE
TO MAKE IT THIS YEAR.
OF COURSE-- SEND IN
HIS BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
AH, YES, ANOTHER SPEEDBOAT.
OPEN IT.
DAD!
ALL RIGHT!
OH, DAD, I
HUH?
Happy birthday from all of us
at Phil's Family Photos.
I WAS STARTING TO WONDER
IF I'D EVER SEE DAD AGAIN
SO I WENT TO HIS STUDIO
ONE DAY AFTER SCHOOL.
Customer:
I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE
A LONG, LONG TIME.
HAVE YOU SEEN
MR. FUNNIE?
Phil:
OKAY, OKAY,
HOLD YOUR HORSES.
OH, HEY, THERE, PARTNER.
WHAT BRINGS YOU
AROUND THESE PARTS?
OH, HI, DAD.
IF I DIDN'T COME OVER
TO SEE YOU, I'D GO CRAZY.
JUDY, MOM AND I ALL MISS YOU.
( snoring )
DAD? DAD?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Man:
HEY!
I'VE WAITED
THREE HOURS, MISTER.
BACK TO THE OLD SALT MINES.
SEE YOU AT DINNER
TONIGHT, OKAY, SPORT?
OKAY, DAD.
ACTUALLY DOUG?
I MIGHT BE A FEW HOURS LATE.
OKAY, DAD.
DOUG?
I'LL DEFINITELY SEE YOU
AT YOUR BIG BIRTHDAY
BASH TOMORROW.
SURE THING, DAD.
( commotion )
OKAY, OKAY!
I'D NEVER SEEN DAD SO UNHAPPY
IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
DADDY!
DAD!
SORRY I'M LATE.
YOU MADE YOUR WISH YET?
YES.
GREAT, BLOW OUT THE CANDLES.
LISTEN, DOUG, I'M VERY SORRY
I KNOW IT ISN'T MUCH,
BUT WELL
NEXT YEAR I'LL GET YOU
A REALLY GREAT BIRTHDAY
PRESENT, I PROMISE.
I'M SORRY I MADE A BIG DEAL
ABOUT BEEBE'S BOAT.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW MUCH YOU SPEND ON PRESENTS.
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT BEING RICH?
I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.
WHAT I REALLY WANT FOR
MY BIRTHDAY IS IS YOU.
AND MAYBE A FOOTBALL.
REALLY?!
DAD WENT BACK TO
THE BUSY BEAVER.
HE WANTED TO GO BACK
TO HANDLING BABIES
AND LEAVE THE BUSINESS
TO THE BUSINESS PEOPLE.
I GUESS IF YOU WORK HARD ENOUGH
YOU CAN SAVE ENOUGH MONEY
FOR A SPEEDBOAT
BUT NO MONEY CAN BUY
A GREAT DAD.
DEAR JOURNAL--
WHEN I SAW THAT AD
FOR A MAGIC BOOK
ON THE BACK OF
A MAN O STEEL MAN COMIC
I KNEW IT WOULD BE PERFEC
TO IMPRESS MY FRIENDS.
( kids fawning over Doug )
WELL, I SUPPOSE.
YOU WANT TO SEE
MY DISAPPEAR-O TRICK?
Kids:
YEAH, YEAH, GREAT!
VERY WELL.
NOW YOU SEE IT
NOW YOU DON'T.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO DO A TRICK!
OH, ANYBODY CAN DO THAT.
WAIT, I HAVEN'
FINISHED THE TRICK.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
Beebe:
OH! HOW DID
HE DO THAT?
AND THE DAY AFTER I GOT IT,
I SAW MY CHANCE.
THOSE GUYS WOULD BE
SO IMPRESSED.
HEY, GUYS, WANT TO SEE
THE DISAPPEAR-O TRICK?
MAYBE LATER, DOUG.
IT WILL TAKE A MINUTE.
I JUST TAKE A CARD.
DOUG, WE'RE IN
THE MIDDLE OF A GAME.
AND I MAKE
THE MAGIC PASS AND
AND JUST A SECOND.
OKAY, OKAY--
ONE MINUTE.
JUST A SECOND HERE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
IT'S DISAPPEARED.
GUYS?
OH, I GUESS
YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSED.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
Doug:
IT WAS THURSDAY AFTERNOON.
THE BACKYARD WAS TAKEN OVER
BY JUDY'S
PEEWEE SHAKESPEARE CLASS.
VICI, VICI, VIQUI.
NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
VENI, VENI, VOOI.
VEQUI-- NOPE.
VICI, VEDI VECI.
COME ON, GABRIEL,
GIVE ME CHERUBIN.
WHOA!
NICE.
WENI, WIDI
WHOOPEE.
WHOA!
UH-OH.
SEE, FIRST I
STOP, FUNNIE.
TAKE YOUR LITTLE VAUDEVILLE AC
OFF MY STAGE NOW.
OH, BRAVE NEW WORLD
THAT HAS SUCH PEOPLE IN IT.
IT WAS DEPRESSING.
NOBODY WANTED
TO SEE MY CARD TRICK.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
WOW, THAT'S GREAT!
WELL, WHO ARE YOU?
TODD.
DO IT AGAIN.
SHOULDN'T YOU
BE REHEARSING?
JUDY SENT ME HERE.
WELL, HOW COME?
I THINK SHE HATES ME.
"TODD BENTLEY, IF YOU'RE
ACTING LIKE THA
"GET OFF MY STAGE.
"OH, BRAVE
NEW WORLD
THAT HAS
SUCH PEOPLE IN IT."
COME ON,
DO THAT TRICK AGAIN.
UH, OKAY.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
DO IT AGAIN.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
DO IT AGAIN.
TODD WAS SO IMPRESSED
HE STARTED COMING OVER A LOT
AND IT FELT GREAT
HAVING SOMEBODY LOOK UP TO ME
FOR A CHANGE.
WELL, THAT ONE IS HILARIOUS.
( laughing )
( laughing )
DID YOU GET TO THE PAR
ABOUT BALONEY SHOES?
( laughing )
BALONEY SHOE.
DOUG, COULD YOU
READ IT TO ME?
TO TODD,
EVEN MY ROOM WAS A BIG DEAL.
Todd:
COOL!
( gasps )
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
SHH.
THAT'S WHERE I KEEP
MY SECRET STUFF.
FOOL'S GOLD,
BUFFALO HEAD PENNY, ARROWHEADS.
WHO'S THIS?
THAT'S ME AND MONK-MONK.
I HAD HIM SINCE I WAS A BABY.
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
( sighs )
THAT'S FROM WHEN
I FIRST MET PATTI
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
MMM, IT'S LIKE MUSIC.
COME ON, I'LL
INTRODUCE YOU.
N-N-NO,
I'M TOO NERVOUS.
WHAT WILL I SAY?
WHOA!
WHOA!
( crash )
ARE YOU OKAY?
WHO, ME?
IS THIS A PRIVATE PARTY
OR CAN I JOIN YOU?
OH, NO, THE KETCHUP
SQUIRTED YOU.
NO, REALLY, IT'S OKAY.
SEE? YOU HAVE
WONDERFUL AIM.
REALLY?
( echoing: )
REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?
I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU
WHEN YOU'RE OLDER.
KNOW WHAT, DOUG?
YOU'RE THE NEATEST PERSON
I'VE EVER KNOWN
IN MY LIFE.
I THOUGH
HAVING TODD AROUND WAS FUN
UNTIL THE NEXT SCHOOLDAY.
Chalky:
YOU MUST SEE
THIS MOVIE.
THERE'S THIS PAR
WHERE THE DOG
BREATHES HELIUM
AND THEN HE CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, DOUG!
OH, HI, TODD.
I TOLD YOU
HE WAS MY FRIEND.
YOU HANGING OU
WITH SECOND-GRADERS?
OH, UH, HE'S
IN JUDY'S PEEWEE
SHAKESPEARE CLASS,
THAT'S ALL.
AND WE DO
EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
WE READ COMIC BOOKS
AND PLAY BANJO
AND LOOK A
MONK-MONK.
MONK-MONK?
OKAY, BETTER
GET TO CLASS.
SEE YOU
LATER, TODD.
WAIT, DOUG!
SHOW THEM A MAGIC TRICK.
"I AM THE GREAT DOUGINI."
IT LOOKED LIKE HAVING A FAN CLUB
WASN'T SO COOL AFTER ALL.
HEY, Y'ALL.
Beebe:
HEY, GUYS.
OH, HEY, PATTI.
I'M SURPRISED
YOU'RE HERE.
CHALKY SAYS
IT'S HILARIOUS.
YOU GUYS WAN
TO SIT WITH US?
REALLY? SURE.
WE'LL GO SAVE YOU
TWO SEATS.
Thank you for coming
Announcer:
Talking during the show is rude.
Please take off your hats
OVER THERE, HURRY, SKEET.
EXCUSE ME,
COMING THROUGH.
SORRY.
and remove your hats.
SORRY, MA'AM.
YES!
GOT THEM!
THIS IS GREAT.
SOON PATTI IS GOING
TO BE SITTING RIGHT HERE.
I'M SITTING WITH DOUG!
ALL RIGHT, MOM?
BUT I'M SAVING THE
DOUG, DOUG
Woman:
DOUG FUNNIE.
I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU FROM TODD.
DOUG! I'VE CHANGED
MY NAME TO DOUG, MOM.
NOW, TODD.
DOUG!
DOUG, DOUG,
DOUG, DOUG.
SORRY, DOUG--
MY MOM MADE ME
BRING WESLEY.
COPYCAT!
Skeeter:
PATTI, BEEBE!
THAT'S OKAY,
THANKS FOR TRYING.
SEE YOU AFTERWARDS
AT THE HONKER BURGER.
OKAY!
OKAY!
OKAY!
( giggling )
MY NEXT ILLUSION WILL TAKE
THE UTMOST CONCENTRATION.
WILL MY ASSISTANTS, DOUG AND
DOUG, PLEASE STEP INTO THE BOX?
( gulps )
NOW, WHEN I SHOU
THE MAGIC WORDS
MY TWO ASSISTANTS WILL VANISH
INTO THIN AIR FOREVER.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
AND THEY'RE GONE.
( cheering )
DO IT AGAIN!
( chanting: )
DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!
DO IT AGAIN!
DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!
NO-O-O-O!
( laughing )
AND THEN THE PAR
AT THE END OF
THE MOVIE
( laughing: )
WITH THE DOG!
( barking )
HEY!
EW! PLEASE!
( barking )
COPYCAT!
( growling )
( growling )
SO PATTI, DID YOU
LIKE THE TODD!
DOUG, MY NAME
IS DOUG!
DOUG, DOUG, DOUG
STOP IT, WESLEY!
SO DID YOU LIKE?
I EAT EVERYTHING
DOUG EATS.
LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
UH-OH.
UH-OH.
( giggling )
DRY FRY?
OH, SORRY, I
CAN I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?
HOW COME YOU TURN RED
WHEN YOU SEE PATTI?
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE
IN LOVE WITH HER?
YOU KNOW, HE HAS
YOUR KETCHUP.
THAT'S IT, YOU
HAVE TO GO, TODD.
GO WHERE?
GO SIT WITH YOUR MOM.
JUST GET AWAY
FROM ME, PLEASE.
"JUST GET AWAY
FROM ME, PLEASE!"
( bawling )
KIDS!
THAT NIGHT I FELT PRETTY BAD
ABOUT WHAT I DID TO TODD.
MAYBE I WAS TOO HARD ON HIM.
YOU CAN'T BE--
TODD BENTLEY IS IMPOSSIBLE.
( phone rings )
IT'S HIM.
ANSWER IT,
JUDY, PLEASE?
UH-UH, NOT ME.
( ringing )
HELLO, DOUG.
OH, HI, MRS. BENTLEY.
NO, HE'S NOT HERE.
YOU LOST HIM
AT THE HONKER BURGER?
JUST GET AWAY
FROM ME, PLEASE.
( screaming )
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
TO HIM, MRS. BENTLEY.
I'LL GO LOOK IF YOU
( thunder )
OH, IT'S OKAY
MRS. BENTLEY,
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
TODD!
GET AWAY FROM ME!
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU HATE ME.
I DON'T HATE YOU.
YOU DO, TOO.
"THAT'S IT!
YOU HAVE TO GO, TODD!"
I DIDN'T MEAN
I JUST WANTED YOU
TO LIKE ME.
YEAH, I KNOW THAT FEELING.
YOU DO?
WHEN I TRY TOO HARD
TO IMPRESS SOMEBODY
IT BACKFIRES.
REALLY?
YOU IMITATE PEOPLE WELL
BUT THERE'S A TIME
AND A PLACE FOR IT.
WHEN?
OH, BRAVE NEW WORLD
THAT HAS SUCH PEOPLE IN IT.
SO ONCE TODD STOPPED TRYING
SO HARD TO IMPRESS PEOPLE
HE WAS REALLY PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
I WASN'T TOO BAD MYSELF.
I'LL BREAK MY WAND
AND DROWN MY BOOK.
AS YOU FROM CRIMES
WOULD PARDON ME
LET YOUR INDULGENCE SET ME FREE!
WHOA! YEAH,
YEAH, GO.
( howling )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
( baby crying )
Mr. Funnie:
QUACK, QUACK!
TWEET, TWEET.
LOOK AT THE BABY.
OH, SHE'S CUTE.
Doug:
MY DAD TAKES BABY PORTRAITS
AT THE BUSY BEAVER
DEPARTMENT STORE
AND HE'S THE BEST.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU DO IT, PHIL.
ONLY YOU COULD GE
JIMMY TO STOP CRYING.
( crying )
IT'S A GIFT.
YOU PAY FOR I
AT CUSTOMER SERVICE
ORDER YOUR PRINTS
AND THEY'LL FIX YOU UP.
SHH, SUGAR,
YOU'LL SEE THE
NICE MAN NEXT YEAR.
DOUG!
HEY, DAD.
HEY, MR. FUNNIE.
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
DOUG'S BIRTHDAY
IS IN 12 DAYS
SIX HOURS
AND 11 MINUTES.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT KIND OF PRESEN
DO YOU WANT, SON?
I WAS THINKING
( girl screams )
Beebe:
A STEAMBOAT!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
HONEY PUMPKIN.
COOL!
WOW!
HE'S THE BEST DADDY
EVER, ISN'T HE?
DON'T TOUCH, SKEETER.
( phone rings )
BLUFF HERE.
YES?
YES, OKAY.
GOT TO RUN, HONEY.
HEY, DAD, ISN'T THIS
THE COOLEST BIRTHDAY
PRESENT YOU EVER SAW?
YEAH, REAL COOL, SON.
DAD?
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
( barks )
MY DAD ACTED FUNNY
ALL THE REST OF THAT DAY.
AND I
HAS TWO 2,500-
HORSEPOWER ENGINES
AND CAN GO OVER
200 MILES AN HOUR
AND IT HAS AN
AIRLOCK, RIGHT, DAD?
HMM.
OH, PLEASE,
MAY I THROW UP?
WELL, THAT'S WHA
BEEBE SAID, AND IT HAD
( clinking )
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BU
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE--
AN IMPORTAN
ANNOUNCEMENT.
I'M LEAVING
THE BUSY BEAVER.
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WELL, I HAVE TO,
IF I'M GOING TO OPEN
MY OWN
PHOTO STUDIO.
PHIL!
WE'LL HAVE TO TIGHTEN
OUR BELTS A LITTLE
BUT IF THINGS GO WELL
WE'LL BE FINANCIALLY SECURE
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH.
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH
PHIL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
OH, SURE, SURE,
OF COURSE.
WOW! FINANCIALLY SECURE
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, MY BOY,
IS THIS THE LIFE, OR WHAT?
TOP DRAWER, FATHER.
AND WATCH THIS.
GOOD SHOW, FATHER.
CAPITAL BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
I'VE GOT AN EVEN
BIGGER SURPRISE.
PHIL & DOUG'S PHOTORAMA.
WHY, FATHER,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
WELL, OF COURSE I SHOULD.
WHO BETTER TO CARRY ON
IN MY FOOTSTEPS?
THIS WOULD BE GREAT.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE
THE PLACE DAD PICKED OU
FOR HIS NEW BUSINESS.
Phil:
WELL, HERE IT IS, THE FUTURE
HOME OF PHIL'S FAMILY PHOTOS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S REALLY
NICE, DEAR.
IT'S SO
UNDERSTATED.
IS IT REALLY
THAT BAD?
I THINK IT'S GREAT.
THAT'S MY BOY TALKING.
YOU KIDS ARE GOING
TO BE SO HAPPY.
BEFORE YOU KNEW IT
DAD HAD FIXED THE PLACE UP
AND HAD THE GRAND OPENING.
KIND OF SLOW, HUH, DAD?
SLOW? NOT AT ALL.
IT'S JUST OUR FIRST DAY,
AND FIRST DAYS ARE ALWAYS
WAIT A MINUTE.
GET THE PAINT,
WILL YOU, SON?
Doug:
"GRAND OPENING-- 25% OFF."
GREAT IDEA, DAD.
NO PROBLEM,
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
I'LL JUST
"50% OFF."
THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
"FREE?"
OH! ARE YOU SURE
THAT'S WISE, DEAR?
IT'S GOOD BUSINESS.
ONCE THEY'RE
HOOKED
THEY'LL KEEP
COMING BACK.
( cars approaching )
Doug:
WOW! IT WORKED, DAD,
YOU'RE A GENIUS.
WE ALL PITCHED IN TO HELP,
BUT AS THE DAY WORE ON
( crying )
( crying and commotion )
OH! ARE YOU SURE THIS IS
THE WAY TO HANDLE THIS?
I GOT EVERYTHING
UNDER CONTROL.
YOU JUST TAKE THE PICTURES.
THAT'S RIGHT,
FIRST DAY FREE.
QUACK, QUACK!
( making animal noises )
( loud scream )
( melodic howling )
( shrieking )
Phil:
NEXT!
IT WAS LIKE THAT ALL DAY.
I WASN'T AS GOOD AS MY DAD
BUT HE WAS TOO BUSY
TO DEAL WITH THE BABIES.
SO HOW DID WE DO?
IF I DON'T COUNT RENT OR
THE COST OF FIXING THIS PLACE UP
OUR PROFIT IS
HEY, SOMEBODY LEF
A QUARTER.
25 CENTS--
THAT'S GREAT.
MOST PLACES LOSE MONEY
THEIR FIRST YEAR
AND WE'VE MADE A PROFIT.
WHO KNOWS WHAT MONEY
THE NEXT FEW WEEKS
WILL BRING IN.
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH,
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH
I WISH
YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.
DO WHAT?
KIDS, LET'S GO.
YOU HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW.
GOOD-BYE, HONEY.
BYE.
WELL, AREN'
YOU COMING, DAD?
NO, YOU GUYS GO AHEAD.
I MUST PRINT THESE PHOTOS.
I DON'T HAVE
DARKROOM ASSISTANCE
LIKE I DID BEFORE.
SEE YOU TOMORROW, SON.
BUT HE DIDN'T COME HOME
THE NEXT MORNING
YOUR DAD HAD BOOKKEEPING
TO CATCH UP ON.
HE'LL BE HOME FOR DINNER.
OR THAT NIGHT.
( ringing )
CAREFUL, DOUGLAS!
HELLO, DAD?
( garbled voice )
OH, OKAY, SEE YOU.
HE'S STILL GOT MORE WORK.
HE'LL BE BACK REAL LATE.
IT WAS LIKE THAT ALL WEEK.
( car approaching )
DAD?
( brakes squeal )
ALL RIGHT!
( door closes )
DAD?
HOWDY, PARTNER.
WHERE ARE WE
ON THE BIRTHDAY COUNTDOWN?
FOUR DAYS.
IT'S GOING
TO BE A DOOZIE.
( tires squeal )
YOUR FATHER IS VERY SORRY
BUT HE WON'T BE ABLE
TO MAKE IT THIS YEAR.
OF COURSE-- SEND IN
HIS BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
AH, YES, ANOTHER SPEEDBOAT.
OPEN IT.
DAD!
ALL RIGHT!
OH, DAD, I
HUH?
Happy birthday from all of us
at Phil's Family Photos.
I WAS STARTING TO WONDER
IF I'D EVER SEE DAD AGAIN
SO I WENT TO HIS STUDIO
ONE DAY AFTER SCHOOL.
Customer:
I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE
A LONG, LONG TIME.
HAVE YOU SEEN
MR. FUNNIE?
Phil:
OKAY, OKAY,
HOLD YOUR HORSES.
OH, HEY, THERE, PARTNER.
WHAT BRINGS YOU
AROUND THESE PARTS?
OH, HI, DAD.
IF I DIDN'T COME OVER
TO SEE YOU, I'D GO CRAZY.
JUDY, MOM AND I ALL MISS YOU.
( snoring )
DAD? DAD?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Man:
HEY!
I'VE WAITED
THREE HOURS, MISTER.
BACK TO THE OLD SALT MINES.
SEE YOU AT DINNER
TONIGHT, OKAY, SPORT?
OKAY, DAD.
ACTUALLY DOUG?
I MIGHT BE A FEW HOURS LATE.
OKAY, DAD.
DOUG?
I'LL DEFINITELY SEE YOU
AT YOUR BIG BIRTHDAY
BASH TOMORROW.
SURE THING, DAD.
( commotion )
OKAY, OKAY!
I'D NEVER SEEN DAD SO UNHAPPY
IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
DADDY!
DAD!
SORRY I'M LATE.
YOU MADE YOUR WISH YET?
YES.
GREAT, BLOW OUT THE CANDLES.
LISTEN, DOUG, I'M VERY SORRY
I KNOW IT ISN'T MUCH,
BUT WELL
NEXT YEAR I'LL GET YOU
A REALLY GREAT BIRTHDAY
PRESENT, I PROMISE.
I'M SORRY I MADE A BIG DEAL
ABOUT BEEBE'S BOAT.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW MUCH YOU SPEND ON PRESENTS.
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT BEING RICH?
I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.
WHAT I REALLY WANT FOR
MY BIRTHDAY IS IS YOU.
AND MAYBE A FOOTBALL.
REALLY?!
DAD WENT BACK TO
THE BUSY BEAVER.
HE WANTED TO GO BACK
TO HANDLING BABIES
AND LEAVE THE BUSINESS
TO THE BUSINESS PEOPLE.
I GUESS IF YOU WORK HARD ENOUGH
YOU CAN SAVE ENOUGH MONEY
FOR A SPEEDBOAT
BUT NO MONEY CAN BUY
A GREAT DAD.
DEAR JOURNAL--
WHEN I SAW THAT AD
FOR A MAGIC BOOK
ON THE BACK OF
A MAN O STEEL MAN COMIC
I KNEW IT WOULD BE PERFEC
TO IMPRESS MY FRIENDS.
( kids fawning over Doug )
WELL, I SUPPOSE.
YOU WANT TO SEE
MY DISAPPEAR-O TRICK?
Kids:
YEAH, YEAH, GREAT!
VERY WELL.
NOW YOU SEE IT
NOW YOU DON'T.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO DO A TRICK!
OH, ANYBODY CAN DO THAT.
WAIT, I HAVEN'
FINISHED THE TRICK.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
Beebe:
OH! HOW DID
HE DO THAT?
AND THE DAY AFTER I GOT IT,
I SAW MY CHANCE.
THOSE GUYS WOULD BE
SO IMPRESSED.
HEY, GUYS, WANT TO SEE
THE DISAPPEAR-O TRICK?
MAYBE LATER, DOUG.
IT WILL TAKE A MINUTE.
I JUST TAKE A CARD.
DOUG, WE'RE IN
THE MIDDLE OF A GAME.
AND I MAKE
THE MAGIC PASS AND
AND JUST A SECOND.
OKAY, OKAY--
ONE MINUTE.
JUST A SECOND HERE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
IT'S DISAPPEARED.
GUYS?
OH, I GUESS
YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSED.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
Doug:
IT WAS THURSDAY AFTERNOON.
THE BACKYARD WAS TAKEN OVER
BY JUDY'S
PEEWEE SHAKESPEARE CLASS.
VICI, VICI, VIQUI.
NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
VENI, VENI, VOOI.
VEQUI-- NOPE.
VICI, VEDI VECI.
COME ON, GABRIEL,
GIVE ME CHERUBIN.
WHOA!
NICE.
WENI, WIDI
WHOOPEE.
WHOA!
UH-OH.
SEE, FIRST I
STOP, FUNNIE.
TAKE YOUR LITTLE VAUDEVILLE AC
OFF MY STAGE NOW.
OH, BRAVE NEW WORLD
THAT HAS SUCH PEOPLE IN IT.
IT WAS DEPRESSING.
NOBODY WANTED
TO SEE MY CARD TRICK.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
WOW, THAT'S GREAT!
WELL, WHO ARE YOU?
TODD.
DO IT AGAIN.
SHOULDN'T YOU
BE REHEARSING?
JUDY SENT ME HERE.
WELL, HOW COME?
I THINK SHE HATES ME.
"TODD BENTLEY, IF YOU'RE
ACTING LIKE THA
"GET OFF MY STAGE.
"OH, BRAVE
NEW WORLD
THAT HAS
SUCH PEOPLE IN IT."
COME ON,
DO THAT TRICK AGAIN.
UH, OKAY.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
DO IT AGAIN.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
DO IT AGAIN.
TODD WAS SO IMPRESSED
HE STARTED COMING OVER A LOT
AND IT FELT GREAT
HAVING SOMEBODY LOOK UP TO ME
FOR A CHANGE.
WELL, THAT ONE IS HILARIOUS.
( laughing )
( laughing )
DID YOU GET TO THE PAR
ABOUT BALONEY SHOES?
( laughing )
BALONEY SHOE.
DOUG, COULD YOU
READ IT TO ME?
TO TODD,
EVEN MY ROOM WAS A BIG DEAL.
Todd:
COOL!
( gasps )
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
SHH.
THAT'S WHERE I KEEP
MY SECRET STUFF.
FOOL'S GOLD,
BUFFALO HEAD PENNY, ARROWHEADS.
WHO'S THIS?
THAT'S ME AND MONK-MONK.
I HAD HIM SINCE I WAS A BABY.
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
( sighs )
THAT'S FROM WHEN
I FIRST MET PATTI
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
MMM, IT'S LIKE MUSIC.
COME ON, I'LL
INTRODUCE YOU.
N-N-NO,
I'M TOO NERVOUS.
WHAT WILL I SAY?
WHOA!
WHOA!
( crash )
ARE YOU OKAY?
WHO, ME?
IS THIS A PRIVATE PARTY
OR CAN I JOIN YOU?
OH, NO, THE KETCHUP
SQUIRTED YOU.
NO, REALLY, IT'S OKAY.
SEE? YOU HAVE
WONDERFUL AIM.
REALLY?
( echoing: )
REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?
I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU
WHEN YOU'RE OLDER.
KNOW WHAT, DOUG?
YOU'RE THE NEATEST PERSON
I'VE EVER KNOWN
IN MY LIFE.
I THOUGH
HAVING TODD AROUND WAS FUN
UNTIL THE NEXT SCHOOLDAY.
Chalky:
YOU MUST SEE
THIS MOVIE.
THERE'S THIS PAR
WHERE THE DOG
BREATHES HELIUM
AND THEN HE CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, DOUG!
OH, HI, TODD.
I TOLD YOU
HE WAS MY FRIEND.
YOU HANGING OU
WITH SECOND-GRADERS?
OH, UH, HE'S
IN JUDY'S PEEWEE
SHAKESPEARE CLASS,
THAT'S ALL.
AND WE DO
EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
WE READ COMIC BOOKS
AND PLAY BANJO
AND LOOK A
MONK-MONK.
MONK-MONK?
OKAY, BETTER
GET TO CLASS.
SEE YOU
LATER, TODD.
WAIT, DOUG!
SHOW THEM A MAGIC TRICK.
"I AM THE GREAT DOUGINI."
IT LOOKED LIKE HAVING A FAN CLUB
WASN'T SO COOL AFTER ALL.
HEY, Y'ALL.
Beebe:
HEY, GUYS.
OH, HEY, PATTI.
I'M SURPRISED
YOU'RE HERE.
CHALKY SAYS
IT'S HILARIOUS.
YOU GUYS WAN
TO SIT WITH US?
REALLY? SURE.
WE'LL GO SAVE YOU
TWO SEATS.
Thank you for coming
Announcer:
Talking during the show is rude.
Please take off your hats
OVER THERE, HURRY, SKEET.
EXCUSE ME,
COMING THROUGH.
SORRY.
and remove your hats.
SORRY, MA'AM.
YES!
GOT THEM!
THIS IS GREAT.
SOON PATTI IS GOING
TO BE SITTING RIGHT HERE.
I'M SITTING WITH DOUG!
ALL RIGHT, MOM?
BUT I'M SAVING THE
DOUG, DOUG
Woman:
DOUG FUNNIE.
I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU FROM TODD.
DOUG! I'VE CHANGED
MY NAME TO DOUG, MOM.
NOW, TODD.
DOUG!
DOUG, DOUG,
DOUG, DOUG.
SORRY, DOUG--
MY MOM MADE ME
BRING WESLEY.
COPYCAT!
Skeeter:
PATTI, BEEBE!
THAT'S OKAY,
THANKS FOR TRYING.
SEE YOU AFTERWARDS
AT THE HONKER BURGER.
OKAY!
OKAY!
OKAY!
( giggling )
MY NEXT ILLUSION WILL TAKE
THE UTMOST CONCENTRATION.
WILL MY ASSISTANTS, DOUG AND
DOUG, PLEASE STEP INTO THE BOX?
( gulps )
NOW, WHEN I SHOU
THE MAGIC WORDS
MY TWO ASSISTANTS WILL VANISH
INTO THIN AIR FOREVER.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
AND THEY'RE GONE.
( cheering )
DO IT AGAIN!
( chanting: )
DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!
DO IT AGAIN!
DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!
NO-O-O-O!
( laughing )
AND THEN THE PAR
AT THE END OF
THE MOVIE
( laughing: )
WITH THE DOG!
( barking )
HEY!
EW! PLEASE!
( barking )
COPYCAT!
( growling )
( growling )
SO PATTI, DID YOU
LIKE THE TODD!
DOUG, MY NAME
IS DOUG!
DOUG, DOUG, DOUG
STOP IT, WESLEY!
SO DID YOU LIKE?
I EAT EVERYTHING
DOUG EATS.
LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
UH-OH.
UH-OH.
( giggling )
DRY FRY?
OH, SORRY, I
CAN I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?
HOW COME YOU TURN RED
WHEN YOU SEE PATTI?
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE
IN LOVE WITH HER?
YOU KNOW, HE HAS
YOUR KETCHUP.
THAT'S IT, YOU
HAVE TO GO, TODD.
GO WHERE?
GO SIT WITH YOUR MOM.
JUST GET AWAY
FROM ME, PLEASE.
"JUST GET AWAY
FROM ME, PLEASE!"
( bawling )
KIDS!
THAT NIGHT I FELT PRETTY BAD
ABOUT WHAT I DID TO TODD.
MAYBE I WAS TOO HARD ON HIM.
YOU CAN'T BE--
TODD BENTLEY IS IMPOSSIBLE.
( phone rings )
IT'S HIM.
ANSWER IT,
JUDY, PLEASE?
UH-UH, NOT ME.
( ringing )
HELLO, DOUG.
OH, HI, MRS. BENTLEY.
NO, HE'S NOT HERE.
YOU LOST HIM
AT THE HONKER BURGER?
JUST GET AWAY
FROM ME, PLEASE.
( screaming )
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
TO HIM, MRS. BENTLEY.
I'LL GO LOOK IF YOU
( thunder )
OH, IT'S OKAY
MRS. BENTLEY,
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
TODD!
GET AWAY FROM ME!
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU HATE ME.
I DON'T HATE YOU.
YOU DO, TOO.
"THAT'S IT!
YOU HAVE TO GO, TODD!"
I DIDN'T MEAN
I JUST WANTED YOU
TO LIKE ME.
YEAH, I KNOW THAT FEELING.
YOU DO?
WHEN I TRY TOO HARD
TO IMPRESS SOMEBODY
IT BACKFIRES.
REALLY?
YOU IMITATE PEOPLE WELL
BUT THERE'S A TIME
AND A PLACE FOR IT.
WHEN?
OH, BRAVE NEW WORLD
THAT HAS SUCH PEOPLE IN IT.
SO ONCE TODD STOPPED TRYING
SO HARD TO IMPRESS PEOPLE
HE WAS REALLY PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
I WASN'T TOO BAD MYSELF.
I'LL BREAK MY WAND
AND DROWN MY BOOK.
AS YOU FROM CRIMES
WOULD PARDON ME
LET YOUR INDULGENCE SET ME FREE!
WHOA! YEAH,
YEAH, GO.
( howling )