Franklin and Bash (2011) s04e06 Episode Script
Dance the Night Away
Objection Your Honour.
You're looking far too hot.
And I reject cause I need a refill.
Both objections sustained so crap that bottle of tequilla and get out of these stuffy suits.
- They are stuffy, aren't they? - They are stuffy.
And meet us in the hot tub.
Oh my god.
- Okay.
- This is a court order.
I don't see we have any choice.
We see you in two minutes? Peter, Jared.
Coleen.
What are you doing here? Katie: Did you guys double book dates? Oh, it's my fault.
- I just showed up uninvited.
- Yeah.
This is my friend Cindy, and she's in a lot of trouble.
She needs a lawyer.
Oh, that's great, 'cause, uh, we are we are lawyers.
Look, I'm sorry.
I don't usually bust up people's dates.
One of us should go.
Peter: Yeah.
Uh [Sighs.]
Sorry.
It's gonna be you.
She's his mom.
S04E06 Dance the Night Away Ooh, what a mixture such a vivid picture Ooh, what a mixture if I must say so myself How did you and my mom meet? Uh, through my work.
You're a sex surrogate, too? A dancer over at Kandy's Strip Club.
- Oh.
On sunset.
- Surprisingly good salad bar there.
A lot of us go to Colleen just to talk, and she's helped me through a couple of tough situations.
And she returned the favor by teaching me how to pole dance.
- It's a great workout.
- I imagine it is.
Imagine less.
[Sighs.]
- Tell them about the pole.
- Okay.
So, I-I was working.
I have this move.
It's called the double helix.
So, I jumped on the pole, and it broke off in my hands.
I mean, it was rusted clear through.
- Ooh.
- So, I flew off the stage and landed headfirst into some guy's lap.
I mean, could you imagine? - Uh-huh.
- Keep going.
I sprained my knee, couldn't work for a week, and now the new manager, Cliff, won't pay any of my medical bills.
And now he's suing her to pay for a new pole.
$1,300.
That's ridiculous.
IKnow it probably sounds dumb, but, um, the girls at Kandy's they really look up to me, and I look out for them the way you look out for me.
Mm.
It doesn't sound dumb.
So you'll take the case? Uh, we'll discuss it.
We'll take it.
[Gasps.]
That's wonderful.
- I said we'll discuss it.
- Yeah, we discussed it.
You said "we'll discuss it," I said "we'll take it.
" - As long as we discussed it.
- Yeah.
Now that that's settled, seems like a shame to waste a perfectly good hot tub.
Colleen? Oh, that's that's sweet, Jared, but I don't have my suit.
Don't.
Mom, I love you, but you got to go home.
- Bye, Colleen.
- And next time, you got to call.
We'll call you tomorrow.
- Thanks.
- Nice to meet you.
What just happened? There were four women here in the last half hour, and now it's just you and me.
- Want to hot tub? - No.
And would you stop asking my mom to hot tub? No.
Hey.
Hey.
Look at this.
Oh! Admiring the sign, huh? [Chuckles.]
Infeld, Daniels Both: Franklin & Bash.
I still get tingles in my spine.
Well, word on the street is you're barely keeping this place afloat.
Is that the word on the street, Serpico? [Laughs.]
What are you doing here? You're representing the woman who got fired from Kandy's Strip Club? Um Why? Well, you can just serve it on me.
You're representing the strip club? Oh, this is part of your "let me show Jared and Peter what a good lawyer I am" plan.
Oh, but if you go by the scoreboard - Which we do.
- We own you.
Not to mention the conflict of interest.
Right, of you going against a stripper when you so famously slept with that summer associate who was also a stripper.
It's not famous.
You know that Karp slept with a stripper? Yeah, summer intern.
Famous! We met before.
Juanita, right? Just Anita.
There's no "wah.
" - Peter: Dude.
That's kind of racist.
- Really racist.
Don't listen to them.
I never do.
Anita.
I will not make that mistake again.
Good.
Make sure that you don't, Damien.
Ew.
Jared: Anita, infeld wants us in court in 10 minutes.
Oh, don't dawdle.
Run along.
Don't want to keep your master waiting.
Ian: [Scottish accent.]
Case dismissed! Thanks for saving my ass again.
That's what we're here for, Ian.
I've never actually met a polo player before, not to mention one that got into a brawl during a game.
That son of a bitch was hooking me all day.
Well, that, and you finished off a fifth of Macallan's before the match.
Listen, there may be a bit of a problem with paying my legal fee.
[Chuckles.]
What do you mean? You're Scottish royalty.
You're you're a duke.
Royalty's overrated, trust me.
You see? Only a royal can say something like that.
Seriously.
I'm broke.
After this last incident, the family cut me loose.
All I've got left is my worthless title.
Well, actually, it's not worthless.
At my last firm, we represented the Danish royal family.
When there was family in-fighting, they were able to sell titles to satisfy debts.
Danes, total savages.
They got good money for them, too.
- Really? - You really tired of being a duke? Completely.
You want to be a duke? This is insane, even for you.
Only if you think about it.
You're a duke? [Scottish accent.]
Duke of Landingshire, to be exact.
How much were Ian's fees? - [Normal voice.]
7 grand.
- Well, I did half the case.
I should be duke half the time.
That's the kind of reaction I'd expect from a commoner.
- [Chuckling.]
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Royalty.
Come on.
- Open the door.
- It's common courtesy.
- Open the door.
- Get the door.
D-don't! I'm a duke, you dick! She's got style, she's got grace she's got candy all over her face Jared: Come on, Cliff.
Be reasonable.
Give Cindy her job back, buy a new pole, pay her medical bills, and we'll all be done here.
[Scoffs.]
That's it? I'm sensing sarcasm.
You made me lose count.
Now, look, if I start paying out every time someone falls around here, this place will turn into a skating rink.
Girls slipping, saying they're hurt.
Unh-unh.
Bad business.
What's bad business is treating your employees like property.
Property.
All right, here's some business advice.
Get the hell out of my club before you get your faces pounded in.
And I hope you're hiring strippers at your firm because your girl Cindy she's fired.
Fine.
We'll be suing your ass for wrongful termination.
Then we'll see who's fired.
Okay, that last part came out more aggressive than I wanted.
So, I will bid you adieu.
- Just get out of here.
- Okay.
That was all him.
Lawyers.
[Rock music plays.]
Try to keep my cool, but the devil says Stanton: Oh, yes.
Mmm.
- Whoa! - Whoa! - Oh, sorry, sir.
- Sorry, we should've knocked.
Nonsense.
Come in, come in, come in.
Yoomi, this is Peter and Jared.
Yoomi's my pedicurist.
Yoomi inherited my poor, tired feet from her mother, who learned from the royal empress herself.
Ah.
Yoomi, would you please excuse us? Hm.
Jared: Sorry, I-I thought you were, uh - No, no.
Please.
- Okay.
- You wanted to see us, sir? - Yes.
I understand you've become a duke and that you procured the title in lieu of legal fees.
Thank you.
And I told him, I said legal fees are more important than Well done, Jared.
[Chuckles.]
You know, it it brings to mind my brush with royalty.
Summer nights with Lizzie, H.
R.
H.
Her royal highness.
Oh, of course I was just a 19-year-old boy, and I had to be smuggled into Buckingham Palace as a footman.
My God, she was a passionate woman.
But, of course, always formal.
Mm-hmm.
Which brings me to my point.
- There's a point? - A man doesn't become royalty every day.
No.
See, this is a very, very special time.
Which is why I'd like to throw your royal coming-out party.
Ah.
You're finally coming out.
We'll do it at the beach house, huh? Capital idea.
Thursday next? - Seriously gonna kill you.
- Yes.
Uh, well, would you send Yoomi back in? You got it.
Oh, by the way, boys, I still haven't received the SR-17 business tax forms.
No.
W-well, we thought now that you're back with the firm Yeah, we thought you'd do them.
Yeah, like you did before Karp took them over.
Oh, I heard that Damien may have been here.
- Is that correct? - He didn't stop in to see you? [Sighs.]
Send Yoomi back in, would you? Oh.
Yes, sir.
Jared: Hate doing SR-17s.
Remember how Karp used to do them? Oh! With the little line through the 7s.
- They were so perfect and elegant.
- I miss his 7s.
I don't like seeing Stanton like this.
He misses Karp.
Hey.
- Hi, how are you? Hey.
- Morning.
So, I texted with Damien last night.
He thinks that the club owners are gonna back down.
Well, that is good news, but you texted Karp? What's going on with the eyeliner? Since when do you get all gussied up for court? [Laughs.]
I always look like this.
- Oh, hey, hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey.
- You know what? I got that video of the bulldog puppy rolling down the hill.
You're right, it's hilarious.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
Um, I'll, uh, I'll see you inside.
- Okay.
- Karpe diem.
- Karp-instein.
- Just the man we're looking for.
That's good.
I'm looking for you, and I and I do.
I love it when you add syllables to the end of my name.
It's very funny.
What's the good word? Your client ready to settle? I talked to him, but he's dug in.
There is a silver lining.
Well, we love silver linings.
Almost as much as cute animal videos.
Oh, my God, L.
O.
L.
They're hilarious.
[Chuckles mockingly.]
But I think you're really gonna love this one, then.
The other club owners have banded together to make sure the case doesn't go forward, so they're gonna pay me double my rate and I get to kick both your asses, so win-win for me.
All right.
Oddly, I still miss him.
Are you looking up the cute puppy video? Trying to.
Sounds good.
What is that? Oh, God, is that your screen saver? Sorry.
You weren't supposed to see that.
What is that? It's nothing.
Judge Reid: Mr.
Franklin, Mr.
Bash, you're representing a dancer from Kandy's Strip Club.
That's correct, your honor.
All right, full disclosure.
I have been to that establishment for the salad.
Jared: Baby corn, your honor, right? [Laughs.]
It's amazing.
He picks them up and pretends that they're real ears of corn, and then he [munching.]
Karp: It's hilarious, yeah.
If you hadn't stolen it from the movie "Big.
" True story Hanks got that from me.
- True story.
- Your honor, we move for immediate dismissal of the wrongful termination claim.
Okay.
Our esteemed opposing counsel is premature, your honor.
Kind of an issue with him.
We haven't even presented any facts yet, tiger.
The facts are irrelevant.
[Scoffs.]
Are they? You can't bring a wrongful termination suit unless you're an employee.
Right.
We can call 20 witnesses to prove Miss Maloney worked as an independent contractor, who under section 3312 of the civil code cannot sue as an employee.
Independent contractor? She's worked more than 40 hours a week.
There's no employment agreement, at least not with Kandy's Strip Club.
Your honor, if I may.
The dancers are allowed to pursue outside employment, which Miss Maloney does as a private workout instructor.
We ask that this be marked as defense exhibit "b.
" Uh, your honor, could we Miss Maloney, I feel for you, but the law is the law.
The defense motion is granted.
[Gavel bangs.]
Case dismissed.
How can they get away with that? Because they ruled you weren't a real employee.
[Scoffs.]
All right, this isn't real broken glass onstage? Or what about this? Torn medial vastus.
I mean, every dancer I know has injuries like these.
You just should've told us about the outside work earlier.
I didn't think it mattered.
I mean, they want us to do stuff like that.
Yes, of course.
To inoculate themselves in cases like this.
Karp: Miss Maloney.
Oh, Karp, look, if you're here to do a victory lap, - you're not gonna finish it.
- Not at all, I just wanted you to know that I've convinced the club owners to return your personal belongings.
They'll be waiting for you at the club.
You're an angel.
Gentlemen.
We're sorry about this.
You've been great.
[Chuckles.]
Really.
Um, I do have one last favor, though.
Name it.
Could you go to the club and pick my stuff up? I just I can't.
Um and tell the girls I said goodbye? Cindy, maybe we can ask No.
No, you've you were great.
Really, you've done enough.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
You feel like we've done enough? I feel like we're just getting started.
Hey, tell Cindy we're sorry, huh? Yeah, I will.
I'll be back in an hour.
Did you, uh, did you talk to Anita? She's on her way now.
[Scottish accent.]
Jared Franklin? Guilty as charged.
Albert Daugherty.
You're the new Duke of Landingshire? [Chuckles.]
Yes, I am.
I'm the Duke of Weddington.
Our lands border the morrow river 10 miles south Inverness.
Oh.
You're a long way from home.
No, no.
Not really.
I live in Glendale.
I took the 134.
Well, always nice to meet a fellow royal.
What can I do you for, Duke? Well, you can tell your people back home to stop lein their cattle graze in our pastures, or pay the price to lease it.
Now, it's my understanding that you are now in charge - of land management for the family.
- W I am? Hey, your lordship, you need to control your cattle.
[Chuckles.]
I just got the title yesterday, so I don't know who's grazing on what It's your title, so that means this is your problem.
Okay, um, tell you what, though.
Why don't you take it up with the Landingshires back in Scotland, because Well, they don't respond.
Probably too busy, you know, stealing other folks' lands and bedding down with their own livestock.
Sheep shaggers, the lot of them.
Sheep shaggers.
[Chuckles.]
Wow.
Okay, look, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you impugn the good name of the Oh, so who's gonna stop me from impugning, then, eh? Oh, think you underestimate the power of litigation, my friend.
[Sighs.]
Of course.
A barrister.
Why would you want to settle things like a real man? Listen, I'm gonna check back soon.
And I expect you to have this problem resolved by then, okay? - Power of litigation? - What did you want me to say? - Oh, you embarrass me.
- [Scottish accent.]
Angry Shrek.
"Oh, donkey's on my property, grazing on my cattle.
That's okay.
" [Normal voice.]
Okay.
- Mind if I get on? - No, you should.
- All right.
Can you hold that? Thanks.
- Daugherty: Mm-hmm.
No more room.
Sheep shaggers.
Sorry.
[Elevator bell dings.]
- Anita.
- Anita: [Chuckles.]
Hey, Damien.
It's, um, weird running into you here.
It's not that weird.
We're both lawyers.
Also, not that weird because I'm here looking for you.
Really? This day just got better.
Actually, I have a message from Peter and Jared.
[Groans.]
Not that much better.
What do they want? For you to come back to the firm.
They want me to come back to your firm? I think you might've gotten that message wrong.
I heard them talking about how much Stanton wants you back, too.
Do you have an opinion on the subject? I think it would be nice Working together.
Cindy: All right, good work, ladies.
Remember, keep dancing.
There's nothing sexier than a sound mind and a sound body.
Yeah, totally.
That's my motto, too.
Hello.
Hi.
You were very flexible.
Love that twirly thing that you did up there.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, here's some of your stuff.
Girls at Kandy send their love.
Thanks.
I'm moving.
Going back to Wisconsin.
Why are you leaving? Mm, you know Time for a fresh start.
Oh, God.
I've gotten that look before, you know.
This is where you say, "you're better than this.
Why don't you do something else other than stripping?" Sorry.
You should take it as a compliment.
Yeah.
You know, when I was a kid, my dad and I we used to watch Michael Jordan play, and I remember seeing him take off from the foul line and dunk before coming down.
I decided that I was going to do that.
Yeah.
Well, when I realized that I wasn't going to be Jordan, obviously, I still wanted to do something.
You know, something that nobody else has done.
The double helix? Mm-hmm.
So, you're comparing a move you do on the stripper pole to Jordan dunking? [Chuckles.]
Why don't you get on the pole? Get on the pole.
Okay.
Ready.
- All right.
You got it? Okay.
- Yeah, I got it.
You got it? - All right.
- Yeah.
Now, kick your left leg and hook it around the pole.
That is physically impo [Grunts.]
What did I do to you? Mm, I don't know.
Lost my court case? [Grunts.]
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
You move aside.
You're hopeless.
- That's the double helix? - No.
Single.
All right, here it comes.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs, chuckles.]
See? That look.
That look that you just gave me not the look from the guys who are just staring at my boobs that's why I dance.
And now you're staring at my boobs.
Whoa, that's on you.
That is the power of suggestion.
You said "staring at my boobs," and what am I supposed to do? Excuse me.
Hmm? Eyes are up here.
Oh, right.
Fair enough.
- Fair enough.
- You have to stay.
Stay.
You can get a job at any club in L.
A.
I can't.
Cliff put the word out.
I'm blacklisted.
I'll sue him for interference with prospective business advantage.
First of all, the legal talk's kind of hot.
Not gonna lie.
But don't.
If you do, the other girls will get fired, too.
He can't fire all of them unless [Snaps fingers.]
What? Don't leave just yet.
Wait, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna take off from the foul line.
Every great labor movement had its great beginning, a time when the people stood up to tyranny.
The time is now.
You want us to form an exotic dancers' union? Today, it was Cindy.
Tomorrow, it could be any of you.
Amelia, remember when you told me you had to work even though you had the stomach flu? - Ugh.
- Was a tough shift.
That's not a lap dance I want! And, David, you never got reimbursed for that Justin Bieber wig they told you to buy! Damn shame.
Do you guys coming in the club to see Cliff in a G-string? The place is here.
The time now! Strippers of the world - Exotic dancers.
- Exotic dancers of the world, unite! Unite! [Man clapping.]
That was inspirational.
You guys inspired? Can't believe you followed them here.
You know, that's intimidation.
You can't stop us from talking to them about organizing.
I say we call for a vote.
Who wants to unionize? Show of hands.
Come on.
Show of hands.
Landslide.
Why don't you all head back so you don't catch colds? Come on.
It's one thing to fire Cindy.
It's another thing to keep her out of every club in L.
A.
Glad you reminded me.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
By tonight, both of you will be banned from every strip club in L.
A.
, too.
- And if you ever stop by my place again - Yeah, we know.
You'll have us arrested for trespassing.
Nope.
Not what I was gonna say.
You two have a good night.
Come on, man.
You took out Tyson.
Yeah.
Yeah, you better walk away! - Idiot.
- What are you doing? Jared: Dude, we don't deserve this.
Peter: After today with Cliff, we do.
No, no one deserves SR-17 forms.
If we have to do them, at least we can do them while we're fishing.
And drinking.
Good multitasking.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
God, this is terrible.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
Dude, I think I got something.
Yeah, so do I.
Stanton wants us back at the house now.
He says we have visitors.
[Reel clicking.]
Dude.
- Fish on! - Yeah! Bring that bad boy in.
Come on! - Oh, dude, I got a monster.
- Yeah, you do! - Could be dinner.
- Think it's a mermaid.
I caught the fish, you clean the fish.
That Theules.
If you would've caught it Hey.
Welcome to our humble abode.
Oh.
Uh, actually, uh It's my humble abode.
We wanted to come by to say we're sorry about earlier.
We're sorry.
We had no right to risk your jobs like that.
- Are you guys still willing to help? - Oh, yeah.
Call for another vote to unionize? All: Yes.
[Inhales sharply.]
Oh, are you all right, dear? I sprained my elbow during a lap dance.
I suffered a similar injury tracking gorillas in Uganda.
Showdown with a silverback.
You fought a gorilla? Ah.
It was hardly a fight.
Oh, listen, you should get some heat on that right away.
Is that a hot tub out there? I do believe it is.
Perhaps you'd care to join me.
All of you.
Yeah.
Oh.
Hello, what's your name? [Indistinct conversations.]
How much do you know about labor law? About as much as you know about being a duke.
But I know someone who does.
Wait.
You guys are serious? - We want to unionize strippers.
- Of course you do.
You did this kind of work at your last firm, right? There is a lot of paperwork, hoops you've got to jump through, getting certified, bylaws.
- It takes time.
- How much? - Could be a year.
- Ooh.
Might need to compress that a little.
By like 360 days.
You want me to get them unionized in less than a week? If you need that long.
Yeah, these girls put their asses on the line for us.
Literally.
[Sighs.]
UmWell, I may have an idea.
- Let me do some research? - Okay.
Hope I'm not intruding, Landingshire.
- A little bit.
- Stand down, friend.
My quarrel's not with you.
So, guess whose scrawny, inbred cattle is still fouling on my land? - This guy.
- Aye.
Scrawny and inbred.
It's like you know him.
Does your valet do all your talking for you now, Landingshire? - Valet? - Okay, I'll handle this.
It's one thing if you're gonna insult our cattle.
It's even another if you're gonna besmirch the good name of the Landingshire clan.
He besmirched, all right.
But when you go after my friend, low-born as he may be, - you're gonna what? - [Cellphone rings.]
Hello? Go again? Aye.
No, we're in here now.
Aye.
Aye.
- He's right here.
- We were talking.
These are fair dues.
Aye.
All right.
Fair dues.
Very well.
[Breathes deeply.]
What's done is done.
There's nothing else to do but to throw down the Glasgow Gauntlet.
Consider yourself challenged.
Peter: [Exhales deeply.]
Well, then I accept your [Scottish accent.]
Glasgow Gauntlet.
Good.
Fine.
What are you looking at? Nothing.
Just You look really familiar.
You looking to get involved, big man? Hey, brother, I'm on your side.
Aye.
Awesome.
Got something on your nose.
- Peter.
- Yeah.
- What the hell's a Glasgow Gauntlet? - I don't know, but I think he just challenged you to a duel.
Oh, uh, Damien.
Damien.
What are you doing here? Dropping off discovery to Anita.
I thought you usually spent Thursday mornings at your dojo.
Yes.
Uh, Sensei Barbara has gout.
I've got something to show you.
I was unpacking after my recent exile, and I found these.
Look at this.
[Chuckles.]
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
That's our trip to Bangkok after my sophomore year in high school.
Ah.
Arguably, you were too young for certain aspects of it.
Mm.
That was a good trip.
It was a good trip.
Yeah.
You know, Damien, things simply aren't the same without you around here.
Oh.
My God, are these the SR-17s? Oh, yeah.
Well, of course I gave them to Peter and Jared, but they made a complete and utter bullocks of them.
- They smell like fish.
- What? Oh! Ugh, that that's what I'm talking about.
Well, I-I'll take care of these for you.
No, no, no.
You I would never ask.
Yeah, you didn't ask.
I-I offered.
Thank you, Damien.
Pipe fitters' union.
Longshoremen, no.
That is seven nos.
Not sure about Anita's idea to get an existing union to sponsor the girls.
- You know what you should be doing? - What? Preparing for your duel.
It's not gonna be a duel.
It's 2014.
Not to Daugherty.
He's going full "Braveheart.
" Well, he's also full of sh Tony: Excuse me.
Uh, you're Franklin and Bash? Depends.
Who are you? And what's in the box? Uh, I'm Tony Philbin.
Huge fan of your work.
Jared: It's always nice to meet a fan, Tony.
What's in the scary box? Whoa.
Anita Haskins told me to come by.
Uh, I'm president of local 213.
We're a union in good standing.
- Oh.
- Tony! Tony.
[Chuckles.]
Nice to meet you.
Jared Franklin.
- This is Peter Bash.
- Peter.
Hey.
Great to meet you.
Come on in.
We would be honored to stand shoulder-to-shoulder - with your dancers.
- Oh, that's fantastic, Tony.
Uh, sorry, we're not familiar with local 213.
Uh, may I? You may.
Please.
You got to be kidding me.
This is awesome.
This is ridiculous, even by Bash and Franklin standards.
Yeah, it's a little weird.
These, uh, puppets supposed to represent, uh, you two counselors? Yes, your honor.
And again, Mr.
Karp has absolutely no idea [clears throat.]
Um, what he means to say, your honor, is that Mr.
Karp, while wise beyond his years, and - And handsome.
- and handsome, is understandably overlooking the fact that local 213 is an accredited union in good standing.
Yeah, well, how about y'all step back now? - Getting a little freaky.
- Thank you.
That went well.
Take these back.
Judge Reid: All right.
I'll bite.
What's the relationship between, uh, the puppeteers and the strippers? Exotic dancer, your honor, and they're both entertainers, they both express themselves physically.
Manual dexterity being an essential skill for both artistic forms.
Your honor, you're not actually considering this? I'm not sitting here stroking my chin just to look wise, Mr.
Karp.
You do look wise, your honor.
Well, thank you.
Sir Are you willing to allow the dancers to come into the union as equals with the puppeteers? [Imitating Jared.]
Ah, you betcha, Judge Reid.
All right, the next puppet that talks, I'm gonna hold you all in contempt.
Okay, take your hand out of the puppet's ass.
Peter: Put it put it put it away.
Your honor, when you take away the lawyers, the labor code sections, what this case really is about is what makes America great.
Exotic dancers and puppeteers.
- Our four fathers came here to escape - Did you really just say "four fathers"? You can allow these groups of artists to unite.
Jared: Or you can rule against America.
America.
Or you can follow the law.
Eh.
Okay.
I'm going to allow the dancers to, uh, join in association with the puppeteers.
[Spectators murmuring.]
So, your honor, we can, uh, revisit Miss Maloney's workman's comp claim? Yes, but get those things out of my court.
- I'm gonna have nightmares.
- Jared: You got it, your honor.
Skedaddle.
Hey.
So, I'm back? Halfway.
Okay.
Now what? Now? Now we go on strike.
All: Strike! Jared: This is awesome.
- This is awesome! - Dude.
Come on.
[Horn honks.]
Serena, you can't give lap dances in the picket line.
She is standing, so technically, there's no lap.
- My bad.
- Hey.
Okay, so we've got girls who walked out from other clubs, and my friend who dances in San Diego she said they may walk, too.
Oh, great.
We started a revolution.
Yep.
Uh, Cindy, you got to keep them in line, though, 'cause we got reporters here.
Oh.
Oh, my God, what is Laurie doing with those puppets? - What hasn't she done with those puppets? - [Tires screech.]
Man: Get out of the way! Oh, we're causing quite a traffic problem.
Yeah, couple of these Fender benders, we may get the P.
I.
cases, too.
- Like old days.
- Just like old days.
Oh.
Oh.
Speaking of old.
- Damien Karp! - Whoo! Yoo-hoo-hoo! Back from retirement! Ignore the wrinkles, folks.
He can bend.
- You guys ever run out of toys? - Not yet.
The club owners [siren chirps.]
- What was that? The - Sorry, one more time? [siren chirps.]
Oh, sorry.
Crime.
Go ahead.
The club owners are willing to have Cindy back.
They'll pay her medical bills, the pole's been replaced.
She just has to help call off this strike.
Great, we got three terms.
One Cindy gets her job back with back pay.
Two medical, dental, and 401(K) for all the girls! And let me guess the third.
I come back to the firm? Karp, let me ask you.
Do you have a version of us at your new firm? No, thank God.
You're an asshole, and I mean that with love.
Assholes like you and us We need someone, not only to love, but we need someone to hate.
It challenges us, it pushes us, it makes us better.
I'll get back to you.
Oh, and stop sending Anita to be your messenger.
She's too good for that.
I hate it when he leaves, but I love to watch him walk away! - Welcome back, Damien.
- I'm not back.
I have a counter offer which I'm not going to discuss until my representative arrives.
You hired a lawyer to negotiate? I can tell you the club owners have rejected your offer.
We'll be arguing that the club fell well within OSHA safety limits.
Ah, and here's my representative now.
- Mom? Colleen? - You hired my mom? I missed you in court the other day, but I caught the tail end of you three going at it afterwards.
I told Damien that he was better than that.
So, you can imagine how surprised I was to learn that the two of you were picking on him.
Oh, uh, please please don't tell him the story about Sammy Sturgess used to tease Peter for being plump.
So, I invited Sammy and all the kids in Peter's class to do arts and crafts all day until everyone made up.
I didn't know you were a fat child, Peter, 'cause that explains a great deal.
I asked Damien to come by my office.
Your Sex-surrogate office? Please tell me it wasn't for a session.
Oh, I would never charge Damien.
- Karp: No.
Non-denial denial.
- It's okay, buddy.
It's okay.
Peter, Jared, is there something you want to say to Damien? Like, uh, two magic words? Pretty sure it's not the words he wants to hear.
Jared: Dude, SR-17 forms.
[Sighs.]
- Damien, I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
Well done.
And you, too, Stanton, for allowing this culture to exist on your watch.
Me? But I've done nothing to warrant an apology.
Stanton.
Damien, I am sorry.
Well, I think I'll leave the business part to all of you.
I have a client chronic masturbator.
Double session.
I'll walk you out.
Double session.
Sounds taxing.
Yeah.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you a double these are my terms.
They're non-negotiable.
Mm.
Stanton.
Damien.
I just wanted you to know I read the terms that you gave to me, and I find them all acceptable.
Uh, a-and by the way, I added one myself.
I just hope you agree with it.
[Chuckles.]
Bash and Franklin signed off on this? [Chuckles.]
Well, at the end of the day, it is my firm.
I hope one day, it'll be yours.
As soon as this case is over, I'll be back.
Good.
Oh, uh, don't you have to give notice? I did the day those two idiots told me you wanted me back.
Oh.
What about all that bluster, Colleen? When I'm walking down that road Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I guess I didn't know Well played.
All by myself just can't use anyone else but me Karp: For the last time, uh, I object.
Having these two strip is an affront to humanity.
Your honor, we totally agree.
We hold stripping exotic dancing in too high a regard to demonstrate ourselves.
Jared: Your honor, we'd like to turn the poles over to our client, Cindy Maloney, and her Kandy coworker Amelia Cates.
Your honor, permission to simulate the conditions of a strip club.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
This is the future of stripping if we don't tell club owners they need to invest their substantial profits into workplace safety.
In order to keep the girls safe, this is the attire they'll have to wear when they get on the stage.
And we ask you, would you invest your hard-earned ones Oh, come on.
Fives.
The duke is right.
Your hard-earned fives to watch this? Ice droppin', nice bitches droppin' dimes booty poppin', I'm-a really blow your minds [Chuckles.]
What? [Cheers and applause.]
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, come on.
This is embarrassing.
Oh, please, no photos.
You know what? Maybe a couple.
A few? Okay.
Give the crowd what they want.
Give 'em what they want, right? We got your back.
We got your back.
There you go.
Right, though? Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Look at this guy.
All right.
Oh hands! Somebody get the bouncer.
- Sweetheart.
- I appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
You're all too kind.
It was a group effort, right? Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Hey.
Thank you all.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Now you can go back to work, stay in L.
A.
- Well And you don't have to worry about Cliff anymore, 'cause he's out.
Hey, there's our favorite puppet master.
I-I wanted you to have these as a token of our appreciation.
- Oh.
Oh, thanks, Tony.
- Thanks, buddy.
Why don't you go have some fun? This is turning out to be a pretty good day.
Want to come to a royal ball tonight? Yeah, that sounds fun.
Do you want me to ask Amelia if she wants to come, too? Absolutely, because I want everyone to come.
Royal ball, coming-out party, tonight at our place.
Right.
[Cheers and applause.]
Well, here's to the future of Infeld-Daniels.
Welcome back.
Peter: Hey, hey.
Stanton: Ah! Oh, come in.
Join us.
What's up with these, sir? Oh, a-as you can see, Damien's back, and I couldn't be more thrilled.
Peter: We heard.
Sir, in paragraph 8b, we have to pay Damien $50 anytime we say something mean? Stanton: [Chuckling.]
Yeah.
I was swayed by your mother's appeal for kindness.
I was swayed by your mom, too.
What do you say we hug it out, Pete? Hey, what do you say you kiss my ass? Oh! Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh! I'm afraid that's $50.
This is gonna be so easy.
- What? - What a dick.
Hey! Ah, ah! - $100.
- What are you talking about? I was m I s I was muttering to muttering counts? - Mm-hmm.
- Seems like muttering counts.
- Oh, you really - So, you're not - you're not gonna say anything? - I'm not gonna lose any money.
Right.
Here.
I will just say it was a strong move, having Colleen negotiate for you.
Very Franklin and Bash of you.
I suppose you mean that as a compliment.
I do.
- Welcome back, Damien.
- Welcome back.
To me.
To you.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, man.
Piece of [Murmuring into glass.]
- Mm! 50 bucks.
- Stanton: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's how I drink.
- 50 bucks.
- $50.
That was a toast.
I was making a toast.
- No.
$50.
- Karp: That was mean.
when you pry it out of my [Laughter.]
[Grunts.]
- You look good.
- I know.
How do I look? - You look great.
- Great.
Hey! Your mom's here.
Cindy invited her.
- All right, let's do this.
- Whoa, dude.
- What? - Present me.
- What? - Present me.
- Pres no.
- Come on, I'm royalty.
How many times do you get to come out? - Come on.
- No.
Present me.
You owe me.
Presenting his most excellent, resplendent, and douchey Duke of Landingshire.
You call this a party? Listen, Jared is not gonna be intimidated by you.
Hello, darling.
You know, I've always fancied Landingshire women.
Good hips, strong backs.
Wait a minute.
That's my mom you're talking Okay, I got this.
You want to duel? Fine.
You got it.
You name the time and the place.
A duel? You think we're animals? Well, how do you want to settle this? The Glasgow Gauntlet.
We drink to honor our deal.
Your family just agreed to a of the dorway firth.
So We're good? So, let's drink.
Last man standing wins.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Uh, your duke, I got this one.
- What? - No.
Come on.
- No, no, I h-he challenged me.
- Come on.
Come on.
- I'm the Duke.
- First of all, you're a lightweight.
Everyone knows that.
Second of all, I was flip-cup champion in college.
You have any problem with me acting as second in the double "g"? No.
- Glasgow Gauntlet see how I did that? - Yeah, I got it.
Daugherty: You know what? I don't care.
I just want to get drunk.
Come on.
[Crowd cheering.]
Whoo! I declare the feud between Weddington and Landingshire over for good! [Crowd cheers.]
Aah! Hey, Jared, did you hear that? [Laughs.]
I'll drink to that.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, hey, guys, I have someth - Shh.
- I have something to say.
This woman This woman is an angel.
Angel! [Crowd cheers.]
All right.
All right.
Round 12.
You ready, twally? Aye, you sheep shagger.
[Laughter.]
Aah! Aah! [Crowd cheers.]
[Laughs.]
Whoa! Yes! I win! [Crowd cheers.]
[Cheering stops.]
[Crowd cheers.]
I've been patiently waiting on I don't know.
The moment to let you leave my heart to die I do.
I mean, just look at yourself.
Whoa I can't.
[Chuckles.]
Well, I can, and you are a wonderful, handsome young man who has everything to offer the right woman, and if this Ellen doesn't get it, then somebody else will.
You're the best.
[Chuckles.]
I feel like I should be paying you for this session.
Well, I charge $200 an hour, and we've been talking for, uh Okay, I can't pay you for this session.
I'll pay you with a dance.
Deal.
Mm! We're both wearing dresses.
You can lead.
[Chuckles.]
This is better than not dancing.
'Cause since you've been gone, I've been wanting you so bad and, oh, girl Oh, girl It's been a long It's been a long a long time And oh, girl And oh, girl Oh, girl I'm ready to roam
You're looking far too hot.
And I reject cause I need a refill.
Both objections sustained so crap that bottle of tequilla and get out of these stuffy suits.
- They are stuffy, aren't they? - They are stuffy.
And meet us in the hot tub.
Oh my god.
- Okay.
- This is a court order.
I don't see we have any choice.
We see you in two minutes? Peter, Jared.
Coleen.
What are you doing here? Katie: Did you guys double book dates? Oh, it's my fault.
- I just showed up uninvited.
- Yeah.
This is my friend Cindy, and she's in a lot of trouble.
She needs a lawyer.
Oh, that's great, 'cause, uh, we are we are lawyers.
Look, I'm sorry.
I don't usually bust up people's dates.
One of us should go.
Peter: Yeah.
Uh [Sighs.]
Sorry.
It's gonna be you.
She's his mom.
S04E06 Dance the Night Away Ooh, what a mixture such a vivid picture Ooh, what a mixture if I must say so myself How did you and my mom meet? Uh, through my work.
You're a sex surrogate, too? A dancer over at Kandy's Strip Club.
- Oh.
On sunset.
- Surprisingly good salad bar there.
A lot of us go to Colleen just to talk, and she's helped me through a couple of tough situations.
And she returned the favor by teaching me how to pole dance.
- It's a great workout.
- I imagine it is.
Imagine less.
[Sighs.]
- Tell them about the pole.
- Okay.
So, I-I was working.
I have this move.
It's called the double helix.
So, I jumped on the pole, and it broke off in my hands.
I mean, it was rusted clear through.
- Ooh.
- So, I flew off the stage and landed headfirst into some guy's lap.
I mean, could you imagine? - Uh-huh.
- Keep going.
I sprained my knee, couldn't work for a week, and now the new manager, Cliff, won't pay any of my medical bills.
And now he's suing her to pay for a new pole.
$1,300.
That's ridiculous.
IKnow it probably sounds dumb, but, um, the girls at Kandy's they really look up to me, and I look out for them the way you look out for me.
Mm.
It doesn't sound dumb.
So you'll take the case? Uh, we'll discuss it.
We'll take it.
[Gasps.]
That's wonderful.
- I said we'll discuss it.
- Yeah, we discussed it.
You said "we'll discuss it," I said "we'll take it.
" - As long as we discussed it.
- Yeah.
Now that that's settled, seems like a shame to waste a perfectly good hot tub.
Colleen? Oh, that's that's sweet, Jared, but I don't have my suit.
Don't.
Mom, I love you, but you got to go home.
- Bye, Colleen.
- And next time, you got to call.
We'll call you tomorrow.
- Thanks.
- Nice to meet you.
What just happened? There were four women here in the last half hour, and now it's just you and me.
- Want to hot tub? - No.
And would you stop asking my mom to hot tub? No.
Hey.
Hey.
Look at this.
Oh! Admiring the sign, huh? [Chuckles.]
Infeld, Daniels Both: Franklin & Bash.
I still get tingles in my spine.
Well, word on the street is you're barely keeping this place afloat.
Is that the word on the street, Serpico? [Laughs.]
What are you doing here? You're representing the woman who got fired from Kandy's Strip Club? Um Why? Well, you can just serve it on me.
You're representing the strip club? Oh, this is part of your "let me show Jared and Peter what a good lawyer I am" plan.
Oh, but if you go by the scoreboard - Which we do.
- We own you.
Not to mention the conflict of interest.
Right, of you going against a stripper when you so famously slept with that summer associate who was also a stripper.
It's not famous.
You know that Karp slept with a stripper? Yeah, summer intern.
Famous! We met before.
Juanita, right? Just Anita.
There's no "wah.
" - Peter: Dude.
That's kind of racist.
- Really racist.
Don't listen to them.
I never do.
Anita.
I will not make that mistake again.
Good.
Make sure that you don't, Damien.
Ew.
Jared: Anita, infeld wants us in court in 10 minutes.
Oh, don't dawdle.
Run along.
Don't want to keep your master waiting.
Ian: [Scottish accent.]
Case dismissed! Thanks for saving my ass again.
That's what we're here for, Ian.
I've never actually met a polo player before, not to mention one that got into a brawl during a game.
That son of a bitch was hooking me all day.
Well, that, and you finished off a fifth of Macallan's before the match.
Listen, there may be a bit of a problem with paying my legal fee.
[Chuckles.]
What do you mean? You're Scottish royalty.
You're you're a duke.
Royalty's overrated, trust me.
You see? Only a royal can say something like that.
Seriously.
I'm broke.
After this last incident, the family cut me loose.
All I've got left is my worthless title.
Well, actually, it's not worthless.
At my last firm, we represented the Danish royal family.
When there was family in-fighting, they were able to sell titles to satisfy debts.
Danes, total savages.
They got good money for them, too.
- Really? - You really tired of being a duke? Completely.
You want to be a duke? This is insane, even for you.
Only if you think about it.
You're a duke? [Scottish accent.]
Duke of Landingshire, to be exact.
How much were Ian's fees? - [Normal voice.]
7 grand.
- Well, I did half the case.
I should be duke half the time.
That's the kind of reaction I'd expect from a commoner.
- [Chuckling.]
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Royalty.
Come on.
- Open the door.
- It's common courtesy.
- Open the door.
- Get the door.
D-don't! I'm a duke, you dick! She's got style, she's got grace she's got candy all over her face Jared: Come on, Cliff.
Be reasonable.
Give Cindy her job back, buy a new pole, pay her medical bills, and we'll all be done here.
[Scoffs.]
That's it? I'm sensing sarcasm.
You made me lose count.
Now, look, if I start paying out every time someone falls around here, this place will turn into a skating rink.
Girls slipping, saying they're hurt.
Unh-unh.
Bad business.
What's bad business is treating your employees like property.
Property.
All right, here's some business advice.
Get the hell out of my club before you get your faces pounded in.
And I hope you're hiring strippers at your firm because your girl Cindy she's fired.
Fine.
We'll be suing your ass for wrongful termination.
Then we'll see who's fired.
Okay, that last part came out more aggressive than I wanted.
So, I will bid you adieu.
- Just get out of here.
- Okay.
That was all him.
Lawyers.
[Rock music plays.]
Try to keep my cool, but the devil says Stanton: Oh, yes.
Mmm.
- Whoa! - Whoa! - Oh, sorry, sir.
- Sorry, we should've knocked.
Nonsense.
Come in, come in, come in.
Yoomi, this is Peter and Jared.
Yoomi's my pedicurist.
Yoomi inherited my poor, tired feet from her mother, who learned from the royal empress herself.
Ah.
Yoomi, would you please excuse us? Hm.
Jared: Sorry, I-I thought you were, uh - No, no.
Please.
- Okay.
- You wanted to see us, sir? - Yes.
I understand you've become a duke and that you procured the title in lieu of legal fees.
Thank you.
And I told him, I said legal fees are more important than Well done, Jared.
[Chuckles.]
You know, it it brings to mind my brush with royalty.
Summer nights with Lizzie, H.
R.
H.
Her royal highness.
Oh, of course I was just a 19-year-old boy, and I had to be smuggled into Buckingham Palace as a footman.
My God, she was a passionate woman.
But, of course, always formal.
Mm-hmm.
Which brings me to my point.
- There's a point? - A man doesn't become royalty every day.
No.
See, this is a very, very special time.
Which is why I'd like to throw your royal coming-out party.
Ah.
You're finally coming out.
We'll do it at the beach house, huh? Capital idea.
Thursday next? - Seriously gonna kill you.
- Yes.
Uh, well, would you send Yoomi back in? You got it.
Oh, by the way, boys, I still haven't received the SR-17 business tax forms.
No.
W-well, we thought now that you're back with the firm Yeah, we thought you'd do them.
Yeah, like you did before Karp took them over.
Oh, I heard that Damien may have been here.
- Is that correct? - He didn't stop in to see you? [Sighs.]
Send Yoomi back in, would you? Oh.
Yes, sir.
Jared: Hate doing SR-17s.
Remember how Karp used to do them? Oh! With the little line through the 7s.
- They were so perfect and elegant.
- I miss his 7s.
I don't like seeing Stanton like this.
He misses Karp.
Hey.
- Hi, how are you? Hey.
- Morning.
So, I texted with Damien last night.
He thinks that the club owners are gonna back down.
Well, that is good news, but you texted Karp? What's going on with the eyeliner? Since when do you get all gussied up for court? [Laughs.]
I always look like this.
- Oh, hey, hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey.
- You know what? I got that video of the bulldog puppy rolling down the hill.
You're right, it's hilarious.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
Um, I'll, uh, I'll see you inside.
- Okay.
- Karpe diem.
- Karp-instein.
- Just the man we're looking for.
That's good.
I'm looking for you, and I and I do.
I love it when you add syllables to the end of my name.
It's very funny.
What's the good word? Your client ready to settle? I talked to him, but he's dug in.
There is a silver lining.
Well, we love silver linings.
Almost as much as cute animal videos.
Oh, my God, L.
O.
L.
They're hilarious.
[Chuckles mockingly.]
But I think you're really gonna love this one, then.
The other club owners have banded together to make sure the case doesn't go forward, so they're gonna pay me double my rate and I get to kick both your asses, so win-win for me.
All right.
Oddly, I still miss him.
Are you looking up the cute puppy video? Trying to.
Sounds good.
What is that? Oh, God, is that your screen saver? Sorry.
You weren't supposed to see that.
What is that? It's nothing.
Judge Reid: Mr.
Franklin, Mr.
Bash, you're representing a dancer from Kandy's Strip Club.
That's correct, your honor.
All right, full disclosure.
I have been to that establishment for the salad.
Jared: Baby corn, your honor, right? [Laughs.]
It's amazing.
He picks them up and pretends that they're real ears of corn, and then he [munching.]
Karp: It's hilarious, yeah.
If you hadn't stolen it from the movie "Big.
" True story Hanks got that from me.
- True story.
- Your honor, we move for immediate dismissal of the wrongful termination claim.
Okay.
Our esteemed opposing counsel is premature, your honor.
Kind of an issue with him.
We haven't even presented any facts yet, tiger.
The facts are irrelevant.
[Scoffs.]
Are they? You can't bring a wrongful termination suit unless you're an employee.
Right.
We can call 20 witnesses to prove Miss Maloney worked as an independent contractor, who under section 3312 of the civil code cannot sue as an employee.
Independent contractor? She's worked more than 40 hours a week.
There's no employment agreement, at least not with Kandy's Strip Club.
Your honor, if I may.
The dancers are allowed to pursue outside employment, which Miss Maloney does as a private workout instructor.
We ask that this be marked as defense exhibit "b.
" Uh, your honor, could we Miss Maloney, I feel for you, but the law is the law.
The defense motion is granted.
[Gavel bangs.]
Case dismissed.
How can they get away with that? Because they ruled you weren't a real employee.
[Scoffs.]
All right, this isn't real broken glass onstage? Or what about this? Torn medial vastus.
I mean, every dancer I know has injuries like these.
You just should've told us about the outside work earlier.
I didn't think it mattered.
I mean, they want us to do stuff like that.
Yes, of course.
To inoculate themselves in cases like this.
Karp: Miss Maloney.
Oh, Karp, look, if you're here to do a victory lap, - you're not gonna finish it.
- Not at all, I just wanted you to know that I've convinced the club owners to return your personal belongings.
They'll be waiting for you at the club.
You're an angel.
Gentlemen.
We're sorry about this.
You've been great.
[Chuckles.]
Really.
Um, I do have one last favor, though.
Name it.
Could you go to the club and pick my stuff up? I just I can't.
Um and tell the girls I said goodbye? Cindy, maybe we can ask No.
No, you've you were great.
Really, you've done enough.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
You feel like we've done enough? I feel like we're just getting started.
Hey, tell Cindy we're sorry, huh? Yeah, I will.
I'll be back in an hour.
Did you, uh, did you talk to Anita? She's on her way now.
[Scottish accent.]
Jared Franklin? Guilty as charged.
Albert Daugherty.
You're the new Duke of Landingshire? [Chuckles.]
Yes, I am.
I'm the Duke of Weddington.
Our lands border the morrow river 10 miles south Inverness.
Oh.
You're a long way from home.
No, no.
Not really.
I live in Glendale.
I took the 134.
Well, always nice to meet a fellow royal.
What can I do you for, Duke? Well, you can tell your people back home to stop lein their cattle graze in our pastures, or pay the price to lease it.
Now, it's my understanding that you are now in charge - of land management for the family.
- W I am? Hey, your lordship, you need to control your cattle.
[Chuckles.]
I just got the title yesterday, so I don't know who's grazing on what It's your title, so that means this is your problem.
Okay, um, tell you what, though.
Why don't you take it up with the Landingshires back in Scotland, because Well, they don't respond.
Probably too busy, you know, stealing other folks' lands and bedding down with their own livestock.
Sheep shaggers, the lot of them.
Sheep shaggers.
[Chuckles.]
Wow.
Okay, look, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you impugn the good name of the Oh, so who's gonna stop me from impugning, then, eh? Oh, think you underestimate the power of litigation, my friend.
[Sighs.]
Of course.
A barrister.
Why would you want to settle things like a real man? Listen, I'm gonna check back soon.
And I expect you to have this problem resolved by then, okay? - Power of litigation? - What did you want me to say? - Oh, you embarrass me.
- [Scottish accent.]
Angry Shrek.
"Oh, donkey's on my property, grazing on my cattle.
That's okay.
" [Normal voice.]
Okay.
- Mind if I get on? - No, you should.
- All right.
Can you hold that? Thanks.
- Daugherty: Mm-hmm.
No more room.
Sheep shaggers.
Sorry.
[Elevator bell dings.]
- Anita.
- Anita: [Chuckles.]
Hey, Damien.
It's, um, weird running into you here.
It's not that weird.
We're both lawyers.
Also, not that weird because I'm here looking for you.
Really? This day just got better.
Actually, I have a message from Peter and Jared.
[Groans.]
Not that much better.
What do they want? For you to come back to the firm.
They want me to come back to your firm? I think you might've gotten that message wrong.
I heard them talking about how much Stanton wants you back, too.
Do you have an opinion on the subject? I think it would be nice Working together.
Cindy: All right, good work, ladies.
Remember, keep dancing.
There's nothing sexier than a sound mind and a sound body.
Yeah, totally.
That's my motto, too.
Hello.
Hi.
You were very flexible.
Love that twirly thing that you did up there.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, here's some of your stuff.
Girls at Kandy send their love.
Thanks.
I'm moving.
Going back to Wisconsin.
Why are you leaving? Mm, you know Time for a fresh start.
Oh, God.
I've gotten that look before, you know.
This is where you say, "you're better than this.
Why don't you do something else other than stripping?" Sorry.
You should take it as a compliment.
Yeah.
You know, when I was a kid, my dad and I we used to watch Michael Jordan play, and I remember seeing him take off from the foul line and dunk before coming down.
I decided that I was going to do that.
Yeah.
Well, when I realized that I wasn't going to be Jordan, obviously, I still wanted to do something.
You know, something that nobody else has done.
The double helix? Mm-hmm.
So, you're comparing a move you do on the stripper pole to Jordan dunking? [Chuckles.]
Why don't you get on the pole? Get on the pole.
Okay.
Ready.
- All right.
You got it? Okay.
- Yeah, I got it.
You got it? - All right.
- Yeah.
Now, kick your left leg and hook it around the pole.
That is physically impo [Grunts.]
What did I do to you? Mm, I don't know.
Lost my court case? [Grunts.]
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
You move aside.
You're hopeless.
- That's the double helix? - No.
Single.
All right, here it comes.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs, chuckles.]
See? That look.
That look that you just gave me not the look from the guys who are just staring at my boobs that's why I dance.
And now you're staring at my boobs.
Whoa, that's on you.
That is the power of suggestion.
You said "staring at my boobs," and what am I supposed to do? Excuse me.
Hmm? Eyes are up here.
Oh, right.
Fair enough.
- Fair enough.
- You have to stay.
Stay.
You can get a job at any club in L.
A.
I can't.
Cliff put the word out.
I'm blacklisted.
I'll sue him for interference with prospective business advantage.
First of all, the legal talk's kind of hot.
Not gonna lie.
But don't.
If you do, the other girls will get fired, too.
He can't fire all of them unless [Snaps fingers.]
What? Don't leave just yet.
Wait, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna take off from the foul line.
Every great labor movement had its great beginning, a time when the people stood up to tyranny.
The time is now.
You want us to form an exotic dancers' union? Today, it was Cindy.
Tomorrow, it could be any of you.
Amelia, remember when you told me you had to work even though you had the stomach flu? - Ugh.
- Was a tough shift.
That's not a lap dance I want! And, David, you never got reimbursed for that Justin Bieber wig they told you to buy! Damn shame.
Do you guys coming in the club to see Cliff in a G-string? The place is here.
The time now! Strippers of the world - Exotic dancers.
- Exotic dancers of the world, unite! Unite! [Man clapping.]
That was inspirational.
You guys inspired? Can't believe you followed them here.
You know, that's intimidation.
You can't stop us from talking to them about organizing.
I say we call for a vote.
Who wants to unionize? Show of hands.
Come on.
Show of hands.
Landslide.
Why don't you all head back so you don't catch colds? Come on.
It's one thing to fire Cindy.
It's another thing to keep her out of every club in L.
A.
Glad you reminded me.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
By tonight, both of you will be banned from every strip club in L.
A.
, too.
- And if you ever stop by my place again - Yeah, we know.
You'll have us arrested for trespassing.
Nope.
Not what I was gonna say.
You two have a good night.
Come on, man.
You took out Tyson.
Yeah.
Yeah, you better walk away! - Idiot.
- What are you doing? Jared: Dude, we don't deserve this.
Peter: After today with Cliff, we do.
No, no one deserves SR-17 forms.
If we have to do them, at least we can do them while we're fishing.
And drinking.
Good multitasking.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
God, this is terrible.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
Dude, I think I got something.
Yeah, so do I.
Stanton wants us back at the house now.
He says we have visitors.
[Reel clicking.]
Dude.
- Fish on! - Yeah! Bring that bad boy in.
Come on! - Oh, dude, I got a monster.
- Yeah, you do! - Could be dinner.
- Think it's a mermaid.
I caught the fish, you clean the fish.
That Theules.
If you would've caught it Hey.
Welcome to our humble abode.
Oh.
Uh, actually, uh It's my humble abode.
We wanted to come by to say we're sorry about earlier.
We're sorry.
We had no right to risk your jobs like that.
- Are you guys still willing to help? - Oh, yeah.
Call for another vote to unionize? All: Yes.
[Inhales sharply.]
Oh, are you all right, dear? I sprained my elbow during a lap dance.
I suffered a similar injury tracking gorillas in Uganda.
Showdown with a silverback.
You fought a gorilla? Ah.
It was hardly a fight.
Oh, listen, you should get some heat on that right away.
Is that a hot tub out there? I do believe it is.
Perhaps you'd care to join me.
All of you.
Yeah.
Oh.
Hello, what's your name? [Indistinct conversations.]
How much do you know about labor law? About as much as you know about being a duke.
But I know someone who does.
Wait.
You guys are serious? - We want to unionize strippers.
- Of course you do.
You did this kind of work at your last firm, right? There is a lot of paperwork, hoops you've got to jump through, getting certified, bylaws.
- It takes time.
- How much? - Could be a year.
- Ooh.
Might need to compress that a little.
By like 360 days.
You want me to get them unionized in less than a week? If you need that long.
Yeah, these girls put their asses on the line for us.
Literally.
[Sighs.]
UmWell, I may have an idea.
- Let me do some research? - Okay.
Hope I'm not intruding, Landingshire.
- A little bit.
- Stand down, friend.
My quarrel's not with you.
So, guess whose scrawny, inbred cattle is still fouling on my land? - This guy.
- Aye.
Scrawny and inbred.
It's like you know him.
Does your valet do all your talking for you now, Landingshire? - Valet? - Okay, I'll handle this.
It's one thing if you're gonna insult our cattle.
It's even another if you're gonna besmirch the good name of the Landingshire clan.
He besmirched, all right.
But when you go after my friend, low-born as he may be, - you're gonna what? - [Cellphone rings.]
Hello? Go again? Aye.
No, we're in here now.
Aye.
Aye.
- He's right here.
- We were talking.
These are fair dues.
Aye.
All right.
Fair dues.
Very well.
[Breathes deeply.]
What's done is done.
There's nothing else to do but to throw down the Glasgow Gauntlet.
Consider yourself challenged.
Peter: [Exhales deeply.]
Well, then I accept your [Scottish accent.]
Glasgow Gauntlet.
Good.
Fine.
What are you looking at? Nothing.
Just You look really familiar.
You looking to get involved, big man? Hey, brother, I'm on your side.
Aye.
Awesome.
Got something on your nose.
- Peter.
- Yeah.
- What the hell's a Glasgow Gauntlet? - I don't know, but I think he just challenged you to a duel.
Oh, uh, Damien.
Damien.
What are you doing here? Dropping off discovery to Anita.
I thought you usually spent Thursday mornings at your dojo.
Yes.
Uh, Sensei Barbara has gout.
I've got something to show you.
I was unpacking after my recent exile, and I found these.
Look at this.
[Chuckles.]
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
That's our trip to Bangkok after my sophomore year in high school.
Ah.
Arguably, you were too young for certain aspects of it.
Mm.
That was a good trip.
It was a good trip.
Yeah.
You know, Damien, things simply aren't the same without you around here.
Oh.
My God, are these the SR-17s? Oh, yeah.
Well, of course I gave them to Peter and Jared, but they made a complete and utter bullocks of them.
- They smell like fish.
- What? Oh! Ugh, that that's what I'm talking about.
Well, I-I'll take care of these for you.
No, no, no.
You I would never ask.
Yeah, you didn't ask.
I-I offered.
Thank you, Damien.
Pipe fitters' union.
Longshoremen, no.
That is seven nos.
Not sure about Anita's idea to get an existing union to sponsor the girls.
- You know what you should be doing? - What? Preparing for your duel.
It's not gonna be a duel.
It's 2014.
Not to Daugherty.
He's going full "Braveheart.
" Well, he's also full of sh Tony: Excuse me.
Uh, you're Franklin and Bash? Depends.
Who are you? And what's in the box? Uh, I'm Tony Philbin.
Huge fan of your work.
Jared: It's always nice to meet a fan, Tony.
What's in the scary box? Whoa.
Anita Haskins told me to come by.
Uh, I'm president of local 213.
We're a union in good standing.
- Oh.
- Tony! Tony.
[Chuckles.]
Nice to meet you.
Jared Franklin.
- This is Peter Bash.
- Peter.
Hey.
Great to meet you.
Come on in.
We would be honored to stand shoulder-to-shoulder - with your dancers.
- Oh, that's fantastic, Tony.
Uh, sorry, we're not familiar with local 213.
Uh, may I? You may.
Please.
You got to be kidding me.
This is awesome.
This is ridiculous, even by Bash and Franklin standards.
Yeah, it's a little weird.
These, uh, puppets supposed to represent, uh, you two counselors? Yes, your honor.
And again, Mr.
Karp has absolutely no idea [clears throat.]
Um, what he means to say, your honor, is that Mr.
Karp, while wise beyond his years, and - And handsome.
- and handsome, is understandably overlooking the fact that local 213 is an accredited union in good standing.
Yeah, well, how about y'all step back now? - Getting a little freaky.
- Thank you.
That went well.
Take these back.
Judge Reid: All right.
I'll bite.
What's the relationship between, uh, the puppeteers and the strippers? Exotic dancer, your honor, and they're both entertainers, they both express themselves physically.
Manual dexterity being an essential skill for both artistic forms.
Your honor, you're not actually considering this? I'm not sitting here stroking my chin just to look wise, Mr.
Karp.
You do look wise, your honor.
Well, thank you.
Sir Are you willing to allow the dancers to come into the union as equals with the puppeteers? [Imitating Jared.]
Ah, you betcha, Judge Reid.
All right, the next puppet that talks, I'm gonna hold you all in contempt.
Okay, take your hand out of the puppet's ass.
Peter: Put it put it put it away.
Your honor, when you take away the lawyers, the labor code sections, what this case really is about is what makes America great.
Exotic dancers and puppeteers.
- Our four fathers came here to escape - Did you really just say "four fathers"? You can allow these groups of artists to unite.
Jared: Or you can rule against America.
America.
Or you can follow the law.
Eh.
Okay.
I'm going to allow the dancers to, uh, join in association with the puppeteers.
[Spectators murmuring.]
So, your honor, we can, uh, revisit Miss Maloney's workman's comp claim? Yes, but get those things out of my court.
- I'm gonna have nightmares.
- Jared: You got it, your honor.
Skedaddle.
Hey.
So, I'm back? Halfway.
Okay.
Now what? Now? Now we go on strike.
All: Strike! Jared: This is awesome.
- This is awesome! - Dude.
Come on.
[Horn honks.]
Serena, you can't give lap dances in the picket line.
She is standing, so technically, there's no lap.
- My bad.
- Hey.
Okay, so we've got girls who walked out from other clubs, and my friend who dances in San Diego she said they may walk, too.
Oh, great.
We started a revolution.
Yep.
Uh, Cindy, you got to keep them in line, though, 'cause we got reporters here.
Oh.
Oh, my God, what is Laurie doing with those puppets? - What hasn't she done with those puppets? - [Tires screech.]
Man: Get out of the way! Oh, we're causing quite a traffic problem.
Yeah, couple of these Fender benders, we may get the P.
I.
cases, too.
- Like old days.
- Just like old days.
Oh.
Oh.
Speaking of old.
- Damien Karp! - Whoo! Yoo-hoo-hoo! Back from retirement! Ignore the wrinkles, folks.
He can bend.
- You guys ever run out of toys? - Not yet.
The club owners [siren chirps.]
- What was that? The - Sorry, one more time? [siren chirps.]
Oh, sorry.
Crime.
Go ahead.
The club owners are willing to have Cindy back.
They'll pay her medical bills, the pole's been replaced.
She just has to help call off this strike.
Great, we got three terms.
One Cindy gets her job back with back pay.
Two medical, dental, and 401(K) for all the girls! And let me guess the third.
I come back to the firm? Karp, let me ask you.
Do you have a version of us at your new firm? No, thank God.
You're an asshole, and I mean that with love.
Assholes like you and us We need someone, not only to love, but we need someone to hate.
It challenges us, it pushes us, it makes us better.
I'll get back to you.
Oh, and stop sending Anita to be your messenger.
She's too good for that.
I hate it when he leaves, but I love to watch him walk away! - Welcome back, Damien.
- I'm not back.
I have a counter offer which I'm not going to discuss until my representative arrives.
You hired a lawyer to negotiate? I can tell you the club owners have rejected your offer.
We'll be arguing that the club fell well within OSHA safety limits.
Ah, and here's my representative now.
- Mom? Colleen? - You hired my mom? I missed you in court the other day, but I caught the tail end of you three going at it afterwards.
I told Damien that he was better than that.
So, you can imagine how surprised I was to learn that the two of you were picking on him.
Oh, uh, please please don't tell him the story about Sammy Sturgess used to tease Peter for being plump.
So, I invited Sammy and all the kids in Peter's class to do arts and crafts all day until everyone made up.
I didn't know you were a fat child, Peter, 'cause that explains a great deal.
I asked Damien to come by my office.
Your Sex-surrogate office? Please tell me it wasn't for a session.
Oh, I would never charge Damien.
- Karp: No.
Non-denial denial.
- It's okay, buddy.
It's okay.
Peter, Jared, is there something you want to say to Damien? Like, uh, two magic words? Pretty sure it's not the words he wants to hear.
Jared: Dude, SR-17 forms.
[Sighs.]
- Damien, I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
Well done.
And you, too, Stanton, for allowing this culture to exist on your watch.
Me? But I've done nothing to warrant an apology.
Stanton.
Damien, I am sorry.
Well, I think I'll leave the business part to all of you.
I have a client chronic masturbator.
Double session.
I'll walk you out.
Double session.
Sounds taxing.
Yeah.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you a double these are my terms.
They're non-negotiable.
Mm.
Stanton.
Damien.
I just wanted you to know I read the terms that you gave to me, and I find them all acceptable.
Uh, a-and by the way, I added one myself.
I just hope you agree with it.
[Chuckles.]
Bash and Franklin signed off on this? [Chuckles.]
Well, at the end of the day, it is my firm.
I hope one day, it'll be yours.
As soon as this case is over, I'll be back.
Good.
Oh, uh, don't you have to give notice? I did the day those two idiots told me you wanted me back.
Oh.
What about all that bluster, Colleen? When I'm walking down that road Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I guess I didn't know Well played.
All by myself just can't use anyone else but me Karp: For the last time, uh, I object.
Having these two strip is an affront to humanity.
Your honor, we totally agree.
We hold stripping exotic dancing in too high a regard to demonstrate ourselves.
Jared: Your honor, we'd like to turn the poles over to our client, Cindy Maloney, and her Kandy coworker Amelia Cates.
Your honor, permission to simulate the conditions of a strip club.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
This is the future of stripping if we don't tell club owners they need to invest their substantial profits into workplace safety.
In order to keep the girls safe, this is the attire they'll have to wear when they get on the stage.
And we ask you, would you invest your hard-earned ones Oh, come on.
Fives.
The duke is right.
Your hard-earned fives to watch this? Ice droppin', nice bitches droppin' dimes booty poppin', I'm-a really blow your minds [Chuckles.]
What? [Cheers and applause.]
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, come on.
This is embarrassing.
Oh, please, no photos.
You know what? Maybe a couple.
A few? Okay.
Give the crowd what they want.
Give 'em what they want, right? We got your back.
We got your back.
There you go.
Right, though? Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Look at this guy.
All right.
Oh hands! Somebody get the bouncer.
- Sweetheart.
- I appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
You're all too kind.
It was a group effort, right? Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Hey.
Thank you all.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Now you can go back to work, stay in L.
A.
- Well And you don't have to worry about Cliff anymore, 'cause he's out.
Hey, there's our favorite puppet master.
I-I wanted you to have these as a token of our appreciation.
- Oh.
Oh, thanks, Tony.
- Thanks, buddy.
Why don't you go have some fun? This is turning out to be a pretty good day.
Want to come to a royal ball tonight? Yeah, that sounds fun.
Do you want me to ask Amelia if she wants to come, too? Absolutely, because I want everyone to come.
Royal ball, coming-out party, tonight at our place.
Right.
[Cheers and applause.]
Well, here's to the future of Infeld-Daniels.
Welcome back.
Peter: Hey, hey.
Stanton: Ah! Oh, come in.
Join us.
What's up with these, sir? Oh, a-as you can see, Damien's back, and I couldn't be more thrilled.
Peter: We heard.
Sir, in paragraph 8b, we have to pay Damien $50 anytime we say something mean? Stanton: [Chuckling.]
Yeah.
I was swayed by your mother's appeal for kindness.
I was swayed by your mom, too.
What do you say we hug it out, Pete? Hey, what do you say you kiss my ass? Oh! Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh! I'm afraid that's $50.
This is gonna be so easy.
- What? - What a dick.
Hey! Ah, ah! - $100.
- What are you talking about? I was m I s I was muttering to muttering counts? - Mm-hmm.
- Seems like muttering counts.
- Oh, you really - So, you're not - you're not gonna say anything? - I'm not gonna lose any money.
Right.
Here.
I will just say it was a strong move, having Colleen negotiate for you.
Very Franklin and Bash of you.
I suppose you mean that as a compliment.
I do.
- Welcome back, Damien.
- Welcome back.
To me.
To you.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, man.
Piece of [Murmuring into glass.]
- Mm! 50 bucks.
- Stanton: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's how I drink.
- 50 bucks.
- $50.
That was a toast.
I was making a toast.
- No.
$50.
- Karp: That was mean.
when you pry it out of my [Laughter.]
[Grunts.]
- You look good.
- I know.
How do I look? - You look great.
- Great.
Hey! Your mom's here.
Cindy invited her.
- All right, let's do this.
- Whoa, dude.
- What? - Present me.
- What? - Present me.
- Pres no.
- Come on, I'm royalty.
How many times do you get to come out? - Come on.
- No.
Present me.
You owe me.
Presenting his most excellent, resplendent, and douchey Duke of Landingshire.
You call this a party? Listen, Jared is not gonna be intimidated by you.
Hello, darling.
You know, I've always fancied Landingshire women.
Good hips, strong backs.
Wait a minute.
That's my mom you're talking Okay, I got this.
You want to duel? Fine.
You got it.
You name the time and the place.
A duel? You think we're animals? Well, how do you want to settle this? The Glasgow Gauntlet.
We drink to honor our deal.
Your family just agreed to a of the dorway firth.
So We're good? So, let's drink.
Last man standing wins.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Uh, your duke, I got this one.
- What? - No.
Come on.
- No, no, I h-he challenged me.
- Come on.
Come on.
- I'm the Duke.
- First of all, you're a lightweight.
Everyone knows that.
Second of all, I was flip-cup champion in college.
You have any problem with me acting as second in the double "g"? No.
- Glasgow Gauntlet see how I did that? - Yeah, I got it.
Daugherty: You know what? I don't care.
I just want to get drunk.
Come on.
[Crowd cheering.]
Whoo! I declare the feud between Weddington and Landingshire over for good! [Crowd cheers.]
Aah! Hey, Jared, did you hear that? [Laughs.]
I'll drink to that.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, hey, guys, I have someth - Shh.
- I have something to say.
This woman This woman is an angel.
Angel! [Crowd cheers.]
All right.
All right.
Round 12.
You ready, twally? Aye, you sheep shagger.
[Laughter.]
Aah! Aah! [Crowd cheers.]
[Laughs.]
Whoa! Yes! I win! [Crowd cheers.]
[Cheering stops.]
[Crowd cheers.]
I've been patiently waiting on I don't know.
The moment to let you leave my heart to die I do.
I mean, just look at yourself.
Whoa I can't.
[Chuckles.]
Well, I can, and you are a wonderful, handsome young man who has everything to offer the right woman, and if this Ellen doesn't get it, then somebody else will.
You're the best.
[Chuckles.]
I feel like I should be paying you for this session.
Well, I charge $200 an hour, and we've been talking for, uh Okay, I can't pay you for this session.
I'll pay you with a dance.
Deal.
Mm! We're both wearing dresses.
You can lead.
[Chuckles.]
This is better than not dancing.
'Cause since you've been gone, I've been wanting you so bad and, oh, girl Oh, girl It's been a long It's been a long a long time And oh, girl And oh, girl Oh, girl I'm ready to roam