Full House s04e06 Episode Script
A Pinch for a Pinch
OK, MICHELLE, NOW-- THE KEY TO HOUSE HOCKEY IS NO HIGH-STICKING, NO CROSS-CHECKING, AND BREAKING A LAMP WILL COST YOU PENALTY BOX WITH COMET.
DADDY SAID NO HOCKEY IN THE HOUSE.
RIGHT.
BUT THE BEAUTY PART IS DADDY'S NOT HOME, SO IF YOU DON'T TELL, I WON'T TELL.
THIS IS VERY SNEAKY, BUT I LIKE IT.
HEH HEH HEH.
NOW, YOU MUST TRY TO SHOOT ZE PUCK PAST ZE WORLD-FAMOUS GOALIE, MOI.
YOU MUST BE VERY, VERY TRICKY BECAUSE NOTHING GETS BY PIERRE DE LA PATÉ.
HA HA! LOOK! DADDY'S HOME! SCORE! IN YOUR FACE, PATÉ.
YOU THINK YOU ARE TOO TRICKY.
SCARE BLEU, LES ENFANTS.
* AHH * * AHH * * WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREDICTABILITY * * THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY * * EVENIN' TV * * HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE * * SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE * * THIS OLD WORLD'S * * CONFUSIN' ME * * CLOUDS AS MEAN AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN * * AIN'T A BIRD WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE * * THEN A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU WHISPERS * * KID, DON'T SELL YOUR DREAMS SO SOON * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A HEART * * A HAND TO HOLD ONTO * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A FACE OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE * * AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE * * A LIGHT IS WAITIN' * * TO CARRY YOU HOME * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * DO BE DO BA BA DA ** CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
OK, COMET.
THIS IS HOW YOU FETCH THE MORNING PAPER.
YOU BRING IT TO OUR HOUSE, BRING IT TO YOUR MASTER, AND DROP IT IN HIS LAP.
LIKE THAT.
GOOD BOY, DANNY.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RUB YOUR TUMMY NOW? NO, BUT I I COULD USE A LITTLE SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS.
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
GOOD BOY.
HI.
HI, BECKY.
HI, SWEETHEART.
HI.
COME ON, DANNY, WE BETTER GET DOWN TO THE STATION.
GREAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT OUR TALK SHOW? EVERY DAY, WE GET TO TAKE HARD-HITTING LOOK AT THE IMPORTANT SOCIAL ISSUES FACING OUR SOCIETY.
WHAT'S ON THIS MORNING'S SCHEDULE? CELEBRITY PASTA SALADS.
ALL RIGHT.
FREE FOOD.
LATER.
SEE YOU LATER, HONEY.
SEE YOU, GUYS.
AW, JESS, WHY DID I EAT THIS CANDY APPLE FOR BREAKFAST? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE TO WASH DOWN THE CORN DOG? NO.
'CAUSE IT WAS CALLING ME.
"PSST.
HEY, JOEY.
" "COME HERE.
"LOOK, I'M JUICY, AND I'M GOOEY, AND I'M ON A STICK.
" THAT'S THE SAME THING THE CORN DOG SAID.
ANYHOW, THAT STICKY GOOP PULLED OUT ONE OF MY FILLINGS.
THAT MUST KILL.
ONLY WHEN I GO LIKE THIS-- OW! DON'T GO LIKE THAT.
ANYWAY, THE DENTIST CAN SEE ME THIS MORNING.
YOU GOTTA COVER FOR ME, IT'S MY DAY TO BE PARENT VOLUNTEER AT MICHELLE'S PRESCHOOL.
OH, NO NO NO.
I'M NOT GONNA WASTE MY ONE FREE MORNING WITH A BUNCH OF WHINEY, STICKY-FINGERED, RUNNY-NOSED ANKLE-BITERS.
JESS, YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
MICHELLE! I'M READY, JOEY.
LISTEN, WHATEVER YOU BOZOS HAVE COOKED UP, IT AIN'T GONNA WORK.
UH, MICHELLE, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR UNCLE JESSE WENT TO PRESCHOOL WITH YOU? I'D BE THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
JOSEPH, I'VE LIVED WITH THIS KID FOR FOUR YEARS.
I'M CUTE-PROOF.
WELL, THEN YOU WON'T MIND MY ASKING-- MICHELLE, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR UNCLE JESSE DIDN'T GO WITH YOU? I'D BE THE SADDEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
MICHELLE, ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT 'CAUSE JOEY TOLD YOU TO? AND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
OH, BEAUTIFUL SAVE.
ALL RIGHT, CALL HER OFF.
I'LL GO TO PRESCHOOL WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT WAS EASY.
HERE YOU GO, STEPH, HOT OFF THE PRESS.
YOUR FREE COPY OF OUR SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
GEE, THANKS.
NEWS ABOUT KIDS I DON'T KNOW AT A SCHOOL I DON'T GO TO.
CHECK OUT MY NEW COLUMN-- MADAME KIMMY'S HOROSCOPE.
OH.
IF THE WORDS ARE TOO BIG FOR YOU TO READ, YOU CAN ALWAYS COLOR ON IT.
HOROSCOPE? WHAT'S THAT, KIMMY, A TELESCOPE THAT CAN ONLY SEE YOUR FACE? WELL, AS EDITOR OF THE SCHOOL PAPER, I MUST SAY KIMMY DID AN EXCELLENT JOB.
SHE GOT ALL THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS RIGHT, EXCEPT FOR AQUARIUM, THE FISH TANK.
ARE YOU SAYING KIMMY CAN TELL THE FUTURE? SHE CAN BARELY TELL TIME.
D.
J.
, READ STEPHANIE'S HOROSCOPE.
I BET YOU ALL OF MADAME KIMMY'S PREDICTIONS COME TRUE.
LET'S SEE WHAT THE STARS FORETELL, YOUNG CAPRICORN.
[IMITATING A GYPSY.]
"YOUR DAY STARTS WITH GOOD FORTUNE.
" WRONG ALREADY.
KIMMY'S HERE.
"AFTERNOON BRINGS UNPLEASANT SURPRISE.
" WHAT HAPPENS, KIMMY COMES BACK? "THEN A MISUNDERSTANDING WILL OCCUR AT HOME.
EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION AFTER DARK.
" GO NOW.
I MUST REST.
YOUR DAY STARTS WITH GOOD FORTUNE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK YOUR POCKET.
WOW.
A DOLLAR.
JUST LIKE MY HOROSCOPE SAID.
UH-OH.
DOES THIS MEAN ALL THAT BAD STUFF'S GONNA HAPPEN, TOO? CHILL, SQUIRT.
I PUT THAT DOLLAR IN YOUR POCKET.
NOW THE JOKE'S OVER.
GIVE IT BACK.
NOT SO FAST.
KIMMY, YOUR HOROSCOPE SAYS-- "YOU'LL MAKE A FINANCIAL BLUNDER.
" YOUR BLUNDER, MY BUCK.
LET'S SEE WHAT MINE SAYS.
"YOU WILL TALK WITH A BAD ACCENT.
" LET'S GO.
WE'RE MISSING ALL THE FUN.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MICHELLE, YOU GOTTA KNOW I'M NOT REALLY INTO THIS PRESCHOOL GIG SO DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL THAT I'M HERE, OK? YOU GOT IT, DUDE.
HEY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS MY UNCLE JESSE.
HI, UNCLE JESSE! HI, UNCLE JESSE! HI, RUG RATS.
I'M MRS.
MANNING.
WELCOME TO PRESCHOOL, UNCLE JESSE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
LISTEN, I'LL JUST, UH, STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY.
WAKE ME UP FOR NAP TIME.
UNCLE JESSE, YOU'RE OUR SPECIAL HELPER TODAY.
AND SPECIAL HELPERS GET TO JOIN IN ALL THE FUN.
UH-- NO.
I'M NOT REALLY THAT EXPERIENCED IN THE SPECIAL HELPER FIELD.
I'M REALLY A MUSICIAN BY TRADE.
THAT'S PERFECT, BECAUSE TODAY IS MUSIC DAY.
PERFECT.
OK, EVERYBODY.
GATHER AROUND THE MAGIC CARPET.
PICK UP YOUR INSTRUMENTS.
UNCLE JESSE, YOU GET TO SIT IN THE MAGIC CHAIR.
IT'LL BE MAGIC IF I CAN FIT INTO THIS THING.
HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA.
I'M SITTING IN A MAGIC CHAIR ON A MAGIC CARPET WITH THE MUNCHKIN TABERNACLE CHOIR.
I FEEL LIKE A DOOFUS.
LET'S PLAY MUSIC, UNCLE DOOFUS.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
VERY, VERY CUTE.
NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN.
UNCLE JESSE CAN SING LIKE ELVIS.
WONDERFUL.
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY THE CHILDREN A SONG? I DON'T THINK THE KING PLAYED A LOT OF PRESCHOOLS.
HE'S CHICKEN! OH, YEAH.
LIKE I'M REALLY GONNA RESPOND TO THE CHALLENGE OF A 4-YEAR-OLD.
BAWK BAWK BAWK.
BAWK BAWK BAWK! GIVE ME THAT GUITAR.
UNCLE JESSE, AARON TOOK MY TAMBOURINE.
HEY, BE COOL, MAN.
THERE'S NO STEALING ON THE MAGIC CARPET.
KEEP THAT UP AND YOU'RE GONNA END UP IN MAGIC PRISON.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE TUNE NOW.
ABOUT A CAT WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE AND HE GOES BY THE NAME OF FARMER, OK? AND GUESS WHERE HE LIVES? YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE HE LIVES? WELL YOU DON'T.
IN THE DELL.
THAT'S WHERE HE LIVES.
THE FABULOUS, CRAZY, WACKY DELL.
THAT'S WHERE THE CAT LIVES.
LET'S DO IT A LITTLE LIKE THIS.
* THE FARMER IN THE DELL * * THE FARMER IN THE DELL * * VIVA LAS DAIRY-O * * THE FARMER IN THE DELL * * THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE * * THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE * * A HUNK-A HUNK-A STINKY CHEESE * * THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE ** YAY! YAY! YAY! MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THE FARMER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
THANK YOU.
HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA.
UNCLE JESSE, WHILE I GET READY FOR PUPPET TIME, WHY DON'T YOU HAND OUT THESE ANIMAL COOKIES.
SOUNDS EASY ENOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, WHO WANTS A COOKIE? ME! ME! ME! WHOA! WATCH THE HAIR! ALL RIGHT.
WHO WAS FIRST? ME! ME! ME! STUPID QUESTION.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
YOU GET AN ELEPHANT.
YOU GET A CAMEL.
YOU GET SOMETHING WITH ITS HEAD MISSING.
COME ON.
FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE? HEY, YOU ATE MY ELEPHANT.
IT'S IN MY TUMMY NOW.
HA HA HA.
UNCLE JESSE, AARON ATE MY ELEPHANT.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
GO EAT HIS COOKIE.
IF SOMEBODY DOES SOMETHING TO YOU, DO IT BACK TO THEM.
WORKS FOR ME.
HERE YOU GO.
CLEAN HANDS.
NO, THE CLEAN HAND.
GIVE ME YOUR COOKIE.
THAT WAS MY CAMEL.
IT'S IN MY TUMMY NOW.
HA HA HA.
OW! OWW! OW! OW-OWW! OW! OW! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? MICHELLE PINCHED ME.
MICHELLE, DID YOU PINCH AARON? YES, I DID.
WAIT A MINUTE.
MICHELLE, DID AARON PINCH YOU FIRST? YES, HE DID.
YOU BOTH KNOW THAT PINCHING IS NOT ALLOWED.
UNCLE JESSE SAID TO DO IT BACK.
THE KID'S BEEN BUGGING HER ALL MORNING.
AND HE CALLED ME UNCLE DOOFUS.
WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW WE SETTLE THINGS HERE.
I THINK BOTH OF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SIT IN THE CORNER FOR TIME OUT.
NOW, AARON, OVER THERE.
MICHELLE, OVER THERE.
ME? I'M THE GOOD ONE.
YEAH, SHE'S THE GOOD ONE.
MICHELLE, GO.
YOU CALL THIS JUSTICE HERE? THE KID WAS JUST TRYING TO DEFEND HERSELF.
IT'S NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR MY CLASSROOM.
HEY TEACH, I THINK YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME ON THE OLD MAGIC CARPET.
THERE'S A REAL WORLD OUT THERE AND THESE KIDS HAVE TO LEARN TO STICK UP FOR THEMSELVES.
THEY ALSO HAVE TO LEARN THAT VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.
OH, SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT ANYBODY CAN JUST COME UP AND EAT HER ELEPHANT? I WANT MY NIECE TO LEARN TO STAND UP FOR HERSELF.
THE PUNISHMENT STANDS.
I'M SORRY.
I'M IN CHARGE AT THIS SCHOOL.
OH, YEAH? MAYBE MICHELLE SHOULDN'T BE AT THIS SCHOOL.
COME ON, MICHELLE.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
KIDS, SAY GOODBYE TO MICHELLE.
BYE.
BYE.
MM.
IT'S GREAT.
HI.
OH, GREAT, JOEY, YOU'RE BACK FROM THE DENTIST.
YOU HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS TED KOPPEL CAPELLINI.
I CAN'T.
I HAD NOVOCAIN.
THEN THEY WENT--ZZZZ! [MAKES SUCKING NOISE.]
AND THEN I HAD A ROOT CANAL.
WHAT DID HE SAY? YOU HEARD HIM.
HE SAID HE HAD ROOT-RRARAWRL.
THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
I'LL GET THAT.
[RING.]
HELLO? OH, HI, RRA-RA.
HU-UUH? HA HA.
UH-HUH.
ERR RORR HURR EE.
ERR-RAH.
UH-HUH.
HA HA HA HA! HI.
HI.
HI.
HI, MICHELLE.
WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THIS STUFF? AT THE ZOO.
I SAW LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS.
OH, MY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO PRESCHOOL? I QUIT PRESCHOOL.
YOU QUIT PRESCHOOL? WELL, SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY QUIT, I KINDA PULLED HER OUT OF THERE.
DANNY, THIS PRESCHOOL THING IS WAY OVERRATED.
MICHELLE, TELL YOUR DADDY WHAT YOU LEARNED TODAY IN THE REAL WORLD.
A CAMEL CAN SPIT.
ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA BE GLAD I PULLED HER OUT OF THAT PLACE.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? IT HAPPENS TO BE AN EXCELLENT PRESCHOOL.
MICHELLE WAS GETTING AN ACADEMIC FOUNDATION THAT'S GONNA CARRY HER THROUGH GRADES K-12, TROUGH COLLEGE, THROUGH HARVARD LAW SCHOOL.
JESS, YOU HAVE ROBBED OUR NATION OF ONE OF THE FINEST LEGAL MINDS A SUPREME COURT HAS EVER KNOWN.
I GOTTA GO POTTY.
DANNY, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE UPSET, BUT I'M SURE THAT JESSE HAD A VERY GOOD REASON FOR PULLING HER OUT OF PRESCHOOL.
YEAH, I'M SURE.
HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND.
TELL HIM, HONEY.
THEY WERE GONNA MAKE MICHELLE SIT IN A CORNER.
AND THEN THAT'S IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND.
YOU GUYS WEREN'T THERE.
I MEAN, THIS LITTLE KID WAS BUGGING HER ALL MORNING.
I TOLD HER TO STICK UP FOR HERSELF AND A KID PINCHED HER SO SHE PINCHED HIM BACK-- A REAL GOOD ONE, TOO.
OH, THAT'S A GREAT LESSON.
OH, WORKED FOR ME AS A KID.
AN EYE FOR AN EYE.
A PINCH FOR A PINCH.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN SURVIVE OUT THERE ON THOSE STREETS.
WHAT STREETS? MICHELLE'S NOT EVEN ALLOWED OUT OF THE BACK YARD.
OK, I JUST WANTED THE KID TO LEARN TO STAND UP FOR HERSELF, OKAY? WELL SO DO I, BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO PULL HER OUT OF SCHOOL WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST.
I THOUGHT I WAS LIVING HERE TO HELP MY NIECES.
WELL THOSE NIECES JUST HAPPEN TO BE MY DAUGHTERS.
OH, SO WHAT AM I, JUST HIRED HELP OR SOMETHING? OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL GO COOK DINNER.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? CHICKEN OR PORK CHOPS? I'D HATE TO MAKE SUCH A BIG DECISION WITHOUT CONSULTING THE KING FIRST.
JESS, JUST COOK WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I DO KINDA FEEL LIKE CHICKEN, THOUGH.
OH OH, NO.
IT'S CHILDPROOF.
JOEY, I'M FREAKING OUT.
KIMMY'S HOROSCOPE SAID I HAVE AN UNPLEASANT SURPRISE.
AND IT HAPPENED.
INSTEAD OF PIZZA, THE CAFETERIA SERVED PIMENTO LOAF.
IT WAS LIKE EATING BOLOGNA WITH EYES.
[MUMBLING.]
JOEY, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND.
"A MISUNDERSTANDING WILL OCCUR AT HOME.
" I'M AT HOME.
I'M MISUNDERSTANDING YOU.
I'M FREAKING OUT AGAIN.
[MUMBLING.]
KIMMY, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS FOR NEXT WEEK'S EDITORIAL.
"TARDINESS-- ARE WE REALLY LATE OR DOES CLASS START JUST A BIT TOO EARLY?" WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PRACTICING FOR THE NERD OLYMPICS? KIMMY, EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOROSCOPE CAME TRUE.
NOW IT SAYS TO EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION AFTER DARK.
THAT'S WHY I'M SLEEPING WITH MICHELLE'S NIGHT LIGHT.
WELL, I GUESS I BETTER TELL YOU THE TRUTH, KID.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ASTROLOGY.
I JUST COPY THOSE HOROSCOPES OUT OF OLD NEWSPAPERS.
YOU MEAN, THANKS TO THIS WOMAN, I SPENT MY WHOLE DAY FREAKING OUT OVER NOTHING? HOW RUDE! HEY, YOU STOLE MY CLOWN LIGHT.
MICHELLE, I JUST NEEDED TO BORROW IT.
THAT'S MINE.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER.
OW! WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE? DID YOU SEE WHAT MICHELLE JUST DID? NO.
MICHELLE, WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? I DID THIS.
OW! MICHELLE, STOP PINCHING STEPHANIE.
YOU SAID I COULD.
NO.
NO.
IT WAS DIFFERENT.
I SAID YOU COULD BEFORE BECAUSE AARON TOOK YOUR COOKIE.
STEPHANIE TOOK MY LAMP.
YEAH, BUT IN ONE CASE SOMEBODY TOOK SOMETHING THAT WAS YOURS.
BUT IN THE OTHER CASE, SOMEBODY TOOK SOMETHING THAT WAS YOURS.
OH, BOY.
GIVE IT BACK OR YOU'RE GETTING IT AGAIN.
WHOA, CRAB GIRL.
PUT AWAY THOSE PINCHERS.
COME ON.
FOLLOW ME.
WE'RE GOING TO MY ROOM.
I'LL BE BACK FOR THE CLOWN.
ALL RIGHT, MICHELLE, I'M GONNA HAVE TO HAVE ONE OF OUR WORLD FAMOUS TALKS.
NOW I'M NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT, BUT YOUR UNCLE JESSE WAS WRONG TODAY.
I KNOW.
I'M AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE, BUT I LOST MY COOL TODAY AND I ACTED LIKE A BIG JERK.
NO PROBLEM.
WELL, IT IS A PROBLEM.
SEE, MICHELLE, WHEN I WAS A KID, I USED TO GET IN A LOT OF FIGHTS AND LOOKING BACK, I REALIZE THAT I HANDLED THOSE FIGHTS ALL WRONG.
SHOULD'VE LED WITH MY JAB.
NO, JUST KIDDING.
I'M NOT PROUD OF THOSE FIGHTS.
NO PROBLEM.
WELL, WHAT I SHOULD'VE SAID TODAY WAS THAT IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU SHOULD TRY TO SOLVE IT WITH WORDS, LIKE "KNOCK IT OFF" OR THE EVER POPULAR "BUZZ OFF, BUCKO.
" AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, YOU SHOULD TRY TO FIND A PARENT OR TEACHER TO HELP YOU.
BUT ABSOLUTELY NO HITTING OR PINCHING.
CAPEESH? CAPEESH.
NO MORE PINCHING.
JESS, I CALLED MRS.
MANNING AND I STRAIGHTENED EVERYTHING OUT.
MICHELLE, YOU'RE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.
OK, BUT IT'S SATURDAY.
MAKE THAT MONDAY, THEN.
DANNY, I STRAIGHTENED A FEW THINGS OUT WITH MICHELLE.
MICHELLE, TELL YOUR DADDY WHAT YOU LEARNED TODAY.
UNCLE JESSE IS A BIG JERK.
YOU TAUGHT HER THAT? NO I DIDN'T TEACH HER THAT.
WELL, ACTUALLY, YEAH, I DID TEACH HER THAT.
BUT I TAUGHT HER NO PINCHING.
THAT'S WHAT I TAUGHT HER.
DANNY, I'M SORRY.
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
I SHOULD'VE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF BEFORE I TURNED MICHELLE INTO A PRESCHOOL DROPOUT.
THAT'S OK, JESS.
I KNOW YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO PROTECT HER.
I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY I COULD MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE IS.
YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY MAN.
BECAUSE I TOLD THE SCHOOL YOU WERE GONNA BE THE SPECIAL HELPER ALL NEXT WEEK.
ISN'T THAT GOOD NEWS, MICHELLE? THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY.
COME HERE, HONEY.
OH, BOY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE FUN IN PRESCHOOL NEXT WEEK.
YOU'RE GONNA PLAY GUITAR FOR THE KIDS, YOU KNOW, DO A LOT OF ELVIS SONGS, THEN YOU CAN SIT IN ONE OF THOSE LITTLE CHAIRS.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
DADDY SAID NO HOCKEY IN THE HOUSE.
RIGHT.
BUT THE BEAUTY PART IS DADDY'S NOT HOME, SO IF YOU DON'T TELL, I WON'T TELL.
THIS IS VERY SNEAKY, BUT I LIKE IT.
HEH HEH HEH.
NOW, YOU MUST TRY TO SHOOT ZE PUCK PAST ZE WORLD-FAMOUS GOALIE, MOI.
YOU MUST BE VERY, VERY TRICKY BECAUSE NOTHING GETS BY PIERRE DE LA PATÉ.
HA HA! LOOK! DADDY'S HOME! SCORE! IN YOUR FACE, PATÉ.
YOU THINK YOU ARE TOO TRICKY.
SCARE BLEU, LES ENFANTS.
* AHH * * AHH * * WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREDICTABILITY * * THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY * * EVENIN' TV * * HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE * * SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE * * THIS OLD WORLD'S * * CONFUSIN' ME * * CLOUDS AS MEAN AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN * * AIN'T A BIRD WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE * * THEN A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU WHISPERS * * KID, DON'T SELL YOUR DREAMS SO SOON * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A HEART * * A HAND TO HOLD ONTO * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A FACE OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE * * AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE * * A LIGHT IS WAITIN' * * TO CARRY YOU HOME * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * DO BE DO BA BA DA ** CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
OK, COMET.
THIS IS HOW YOU FETCH THE MORNING PAPER.
YOU BRING IT TO OUR HOUSE, BRING IT TO YOUR MASTER, AND DROP IT IN HIS LAP.
LIKE THAT.
GOOD BOY, DANNY.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RUB YOUR TUMMY NOW? NO, BUT I I COULD USE A LITTLE SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS.
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
GOOD BOY.
HI.
HI, BECKY.
HI, SWEETHEART.
HI.
COME ON, DANNY, WE BETTER GET DOWN TO THE STATION.
GREAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT OUR TALK SHOW? EVERY DAY, WE GET TO TAKE HARD-HITTING LOOK AT THE IMPORTANT SOCIAL ISSUES FACING OUR SOCIETY.
WHAT'S ON THIS MORNING'S SCHEDULE? CELEBRITY PASTA SALADS.
ALL RIGHT.
FREE FOOD.
LATER.
SEE YOU LATER, HONEY.
SEE YOU, GUYS.
AW, JESS, WHY DID I EAT THIS CANDY APPLE FOR BREAKFAST? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE TO WASH DOWN THE CORN DOG? NO.
'CAUSE IT WAS CALLING ME.
"PSST.
HEY, JOEY.
" "COME HERE.
"LOOK, I'M JUICY, AND I'M GOOEY, AND I'M ON A STICK.
" THAT'S THE SAME THING THE CORN DOG SAID.
ANYHOW, THAT STICKY GOOP PULLED OUT ONE OF MY FILLINGS.
THAT MUST KILL.
ONLY WHEN I GO LIKE THIS-- OW! DON'T GO LIKE THAT.
ANYWAY, THE DENTIST CAN SEE ME THIS MORNING.
YOU GOTTA COVER FOR ME, IT'S MY DAY TO BE PARENT VOLUNTEER AT MICHELLE'S PRESCHOOL.
OH, NO NO NO.
I'M NOT GONNA WASTE MY ONE FREE MORNING WITH A BUNCH OF WHINEY, STICKY-FINGERED, RUNNY-NOSED ANKLE-BITERS.
JESS, YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
MICHELLE! I'M READY, JOEY.
LISTEN, WHATEVER YOU BOZOS HAVE COOKED UP, IT AIN'T GONNA WORK.
UH, MICHELLE, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR UNCLE JESSE WENT TO PRESCHOOL WITH YOU? I'D BE THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
JOSEPH, I'VE LIVED WITH THIS KID FOR FOUR YEARS.
I'M CUTE-PROOF.
WELL, THEN YOU WON'T MIND MY ASKING-- MICHELLE, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR UNCLE JESSE DIDN'T GO WITH YOU? I'D BE THE SADDEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
MICHELLE, ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT 'CAUSE JOEY TOLD YOU TO? AND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
OH, BEAUTIFUL SAVE.
ALL RIGHT, CALL HER OFF.
I'LL GO TO PRESCHOOL WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT WAS EASY.
HERE YOU GO, STEPH, HOT OFF THE PRESS.
YOUR FREE COPY OF OUR SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
GEE, THANKS.
NEWS ABOUT KIDS I DON'T KNOW AT A SCHOOL I DON'T GO TO.
CHECK OUT MY NEW COLUMN-- MADAME KIMMY'S HOROSCOPE.
OH.
IF THE WORDS ARE TOO BIG FOR YOU TO READ, YOU CAN ALWAYS COLOR ON IT.
HOROSCOPE? WHAT'S THAT, KIMMY, A TELESCOPE THAT CAN ONLY SEE YOUR FACE? WELL, AS EDITOR OF THE SCHOOL PAPER, I MUST SAY KIMMY DID AN EXCELLENT JOB.
SHE GOT ALL THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS RIGHT, EXCEPT FOR AQUARIUM, THE FISH TANK.
ARE YOU SAYING KIMMY CAN TELL THE FUTURE? SHE CAN BARELY TELL TIME.
D.
J.
, READ STEPHANIE'S HOROSCOPE.
I BET YOU ALL OF MADAME KIMMY'S PREDICTIONS COME TRUE.
LET'S SEE WHAT THE STARS FORETELL, YOUNG CAPRICORN.
[IMITATING A GYPSY.]
"YOUR DAY STARTS WITH GOOD FORTUNE.
" WRONG ALREADY.
KIMMY'S HERE.
"AFTERNOON BRINGS UNPLEASANT SURPRISE.
" WHAT HAPPENS, KIMMY COMES BACK? "THEN A MISUNDERSTANDING WILL OCCUR AT HOME.
EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION AFTER DARK.
" GO NOW.
I MUST REST.
YOUR DAY STARTS WITH GOOD FORTUNE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK YOUR POCKET.
WOW.
A DOLLAR.
JUST LIKE MY HOROSCOPE SAID.
UH-OH.
DOES THIS MEAN ALL THAT BAD STUFF'S GONNA HAPPEN, TOO? CHILL, SQUIRT.
I PUT THAT DOLLAR IN YOUR POCKET.
NOW THE JOKE'S OVER.
GIVE IT BACK.
NOT SO FAST.
KIMMY, YOUR HOROSCOPE SAYS-- "YOU'LL MAKE A FINANCIAL BLUNDER.
" YOUR BLUNDER, MY BUCK.
LET'S SEE WHAT MINE SAYS.
"YOU WILL TALK WITH A BAD ACCENT.
" LET'S GO.
WE'RE MISSING ALL THE FUN.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MICHELLE, YOU GOTTA KNOW I'M NOT REALLY INTO THIS PRESCHOOL GIG SO DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL THAT I'M HERE, OK? YOU GOT IT, DUDE.
HEY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS MY UNCLE JESSE.
HI, UNCLE JESSE! HI, UNCLE JESSE! HI, RUG RATS.
I'M MRS.
MANNING.
WELCOME TO PRESCHOOL, UNCLE JESSE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
LISTEN, I'LL JUST, UH, STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY.
WAKE ME UP FOR NAP TIME.
UNCLE JESSE, YOU'RE OUR SPECIAL HELPER TODAY.
AND SPECIAL HELPERS GET TO JOIN IN ALL THE FUN.
UH-- NO.
I'M NOT REALLY THAT EXPERIENCED IN THE SPECIAL HELPER FIELD.
I'M REALLY A MUSICIAN BY TRADE.
THAT'S PERFECT, BECAUSE TODAY IS MUSIC DAY.
PERFECT.
OK, EVERYBODY.
GATHER AROUND THE MAGIC CARPET.
PICK UP YOUR INSTRUMENTS.
UNCLE JESSE, YOU GET TO SIT IN THE MAGIC CHAIR.
IT'LL BE MAGIC IF I CAN FIT INTO THIS THING.
HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA.
I'M SITTING IN A MAGIC CHAIR ON A MAGIC CARPET WITH THE MUNCHKIN TABERNACLE CHOIR.
I FEEL LIKE A DOOFUS.
LET'S PLAY MUSIC, UNCLE DOOFUS.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
VERY, VERY CUTE.
NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN.
UNCLE JESSE CAN SING LIKE ELVIS.
WONDERFUL.
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY THE CHILDREN A SONG? I DON'T THINK THE KING PLAYED A LOT OF PRESCHOOLS.
HE'S CHICKEN! OH, YEAH.
LIKE I'M REALLY GONNA RESPOND TO THE CHALLENGE OF A 4-YEAR-OLD.
BAWK BAWK BAWK.
BAWK BAWK BAWK! GIVE ME THAT GUITAR.
UNCLE JESSE, AARON TOOK MY TAMBOURINE.
HEY, BE COOL, MAN.
THERE'S NO STEALING ON THE MAGIC CARPET.
KEEP THAT UP AND YOU'RE GONNA END UP IN MAGIC PRISON.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE TUNE NOW.
ABOUT A CAT WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE AND HE GOES BY THE NAME OF FARMER, OK? AND GUESS WHERE HE LIVES? YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE HE LIVES? WELL YOU DON'T.
IN THE DELL.
THAT'S WHERE HE LIVES.
THE FABULOUS, CRAZY, WACKY DELL.
THAT'S WHERE THE CAT LIVES.
LET'S DO IT A LITTLE LIKE THIS.
* THE FARMER IN THE DELL * * THE FARMER IN THE DELL * * VIVA LAS DAIRY-O * * THE FARMER IN THE DELL * * THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE * * THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE * * A HUNK-A HUNK-A STINKY CHEESE * * THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE ** YAY! YAY! YAY! MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THE FARMER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
THANK YOU.
HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA.
UNCLE JESSE, WHILE I GET READY FOR PUPPET TIME, WHY DON'T YOU HAND OUT THESE ANIMAL COOKIES.
SOUNDS EASY ENOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, WHO WANTS A COOKIE? ME! ME! ME! WHOA! WATCH THE HAIR! ALL RIGHT.
WHO WAS FIRST? ME! ME! ME! STUPID QUESTION.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
YOU GET AN ELEPHANT.
YOU GET A CAMEL.
YOU GET SOMETHING WITH ITS HEAD MISSING.
COME ON.
FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE? HEY, YOU ATE MY ELEPHANT.
IT'S IN MY TUMMY NOW.
HA HA HA.
UNCLE JESSE, AARON ATE MY ELEPHANT.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
GO EAT HIS COOKIE.
IF SOMEBODY DOES SOMETHING TO YOU, DO IT BACK TO THEM.
WORKS FOR ME.
HERE YOU GO.
CLEAN HANDS.
NO, THE CLEAN HAND.
GIVE ME YOUR COOKIE.
THAT WAS MY CAMEL.
IT'S IN MY TUMMY NOW.
HA HA HA.
OW! OWW! OW! OW-OWW! OW! OW! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? MICHELLE PINCHED ME.
MICHELLE, DID YOU PINCH AARON? YES, I DID.
WAIT A MINUTE.
MICHELLE, DID AARON PINCH YOU FIRST? YES, HE DID.
YOU BOTH KNOW THAT PINCHING IS NOT ALLOWED.
UNCLE JESSE SAID TO DO IT BACK.
THE KID'S BEEN BUGGING HER ALL MORNING.
AND HE CALLED ME UNCLE DOOFUS.
WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW WE SETTLE THINGS HERE.
I THINK BOTH OF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SIT IN THE CORNER FOR TIME OUT.
NOW, AARON, OVER THERE.
MICHELLE, OVER THERE.
ME? I'M THE GOOD ONE.
YEAH, SHE'S THE GOOD ONE.
MICHELLE, GO.
YOU CALL THIS JUSTICE HERE? THE KID WAS JUST TRYING TO DEFEND HERSELF.
IT'S NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR MY CLASSROOM.
HEY TEACH, I THINK YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME ON THE OLD MAGIC CARPET.
THERE'S A REAL WORLD OUT THERE AND THESE KIDS HAVE TO LEARN TO STICK UP FOR THEMSELVES.
THEY ALSO HAVE TO LEARN THAT VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.
OH, SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT ANYBODY CAN JUST COME UP AND EAT HER ELEPHANT? I WANT MY NIECE TO LEARN TO STAND UP FOR HERSELF.
THE PUNISHMENT STANDS.
I'M SORRY.
I'M IN CHARGE AT THIS SCHOOL.
OH, YEAH? MAYBE MICHELLE SHOULDN'T BE AT THIS SCHOOL.
COME ON, MICHELLE.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
KIDS, SAY GOODBYE TO MICHELLE.
BYE.
BYE.
MM.
IT'S GREAT.
HI.
OH, GREAT, JOEY, YOU'RE BACK FROM THE DENTIST.
YOU HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS TED KOPPEL CAPELLINI.
I CAN'T.
I HAD NOVOCAIN.
THEN THEY WENT--ZZZZ! [MAKES SUCKING NOISE.]
AND THEN I HAD A ROOT CANAL.
WHAT DID HE SAY? YOU HEARD HIM.
HE SAID HE HAD ROOT-RRARAWRL.
THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
I'LL GET THAT.
[RING.]
HELLO? OH, HI, RRA-RA.
HU-UUH? HA HA.
UH-HUH.
ERR RORR HURR EE.
ERR-RAH.
UH-HUH.
HA HA HA HA! HI.
HI.
HI.
HI, MICHELLE.
WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THIS STUFF? AT THE ZOO.
I SAW LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS.
OH, MY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO PRESCHOOL? I QUIT PRESCHOOL.
YOU QUIT PRESCHOOL? WELL, SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY QUIT, I KINDA PULLED HER OUT OF THERE.
DANNY, THIS PRESCHOOL THING IS WAY OVERRATED.
MICHELLE, TELL YOUR DADDY WHAT YOU LEARNED TODAY IN THE REAL WORLD.
A CAMEL CAN SPIT.
ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA BE GLAD I PULLED HER OUT OF THAT PLACE.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? IT HAPPENS TO BE AN EXCELLENT PRESCHOOL.
MICHELLE WAS GETTING AN ACADEMIC FOUNDATION THAT'S GONNA CARRY HER THROUGH GRADES K-12, TROUGH COLLEGE, THROUGH HARVARD LAW SCHOOL.
JESS, YOU HAVE ROBBED OUR NATION OF ONE OF THE FINEST LEGAL MINDS A SUPREME COURT HAS EVER KNOWN.
I GOTTA GO POTTY.
DANNY, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE UPSET, BUT I'M SURE THAT JESSE HAD A VERY GOOD REASON FOR PULLING HER OUT OF PRESCHOOL.
YEAH, I'M SURE.
HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND.
TELL HIM, HONEY.
THEY WERE GONNA MAKE MICHELLE SIT IN A CORNER.
AND THEN THAT'S IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND.
YOU GUYS WEREN'T THERE.
I MEAN, THIS LITTLE KID WAS BUGGING HER ALL MORNING.
I TOLD HER TO STICK UP FOR HERSELF AND A KID PINCHED HER SO SHE PINCHED HIM BACK-- A REAL GOOD ONE, TOO.
OH, THAT'S A GREAT LESSON.
OH, WORKED FOR ME AS A KID.
AN EYE FOR AN EYE.
A PINCH FOR A PINCH.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN SURVIVE OUT THERE ON THOSE STREETS.
WHAT STREETS? MICHELLE'S NOT EVEN ALLOWED OUT OF THE BACK YARD.
OK, I JUST WANTED THE KID TO LEARN TO STAND UP FOR HERSELF, OKAY? WELL SO DO I, BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO PULL HER OUT OF SCHOOL WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST.
I THOUGHT I WAS LIVING HERE TO HELP MY NIECES.
WELL THOSE NIECES JUST HAPPEN TO BE MY DAUGHTERS.
OH, SO WHAT AM I, JUST HIRED HELP OR SOMETHING? OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL GO COOK DINNER.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? CHICKEN OR PORK CHOPS? I'D HATE TO MAKE SUCH A BIG DECISION WITHOUT CONSULTING THE KING FIRST.
JESS, JUST COOK WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I DO KINDA FEEL LIKE CHICKEN, THOUGH.
OH OH, NO.
IT'S CHILDPROOF.
JOEY, I'M FREAKING OUT.
KIMMY'S HOROSCOPE SAID I HAVE AN UNPLEASANT SURPRISE.
AND IT HAPPENED.
INSTEAD OF PIZZA, THE CAFETERIA SERVED PIMENTO LOAF.
IT WAS LIKE EATING BOLOGNA WITH EYES.
[MUMBLING.]
JOEY, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND.
"A MISUNDERSTANDING WILL OCCUR AT HOME.
" I'M AT HOME.
I'M MISUNDERSTANDING YOU.
I'M FREAKING OUT AGAIN.
[MUMBLING.]
KIMMY, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS FOR NEXT WEEK'S EDITORIAL.
"TARDINESS-- ARE WE REALLY LATE OR DOES CLASS START JUST A BIT TOO EARLY?" WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PRACTICING FOR THE NERD OLYMPICS? KIMMY, EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOROSCOPE CAME TRUE.
NOW IT SAYS TO EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION AFTER DARK.
THAT'S WHY I'M SLEEPING WITH MICHELLE'S NIGHT LIGHT.
WELL, I GUESS I BETTER TELL YOU THE TRUTH, KID.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ASTROLOGY.
I JUST COPY THOSE HOROSCOPES OUT OF OLD NEWSPAPERS.
YOU MEAN, THANKS TO THIS WOMAN, I SPENT MY WHOLE DAY FREAKING OUT OVER NOTHING? HOW RUDE! HEY, YOU STOLE MY CLOWN LIGHT.
MICHELLE, I JUST NEEDED TO BORROW IT.
THAT'S MINE.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER.
OW! WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE? DID YOU SEE WHAT MICHELLE JUST DID? NO.
MICHELLE, WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? I DID THIS.
OW! MICHELLE, STOP PINCHING STEPHANIE.
YOU SAID I COULD.
NO.
NO.
IT WAS DIFFERENT.
I SAID YOU COULD BEFORE BECAUSE AARON TOOK YOUR COOKIE.
STEPHANIE TOOK MY LAMP.
YEAH, BUT IN ONE CASE SOMEBODY TOOK SOMETHING THAT WAS YOURS.
BUT IN THE OTHER CASE, SOMEBODY TOOK SOMETHING THAT WAS YOURS.
OH, BOY.
GIVE IT BACK OR YOU'RE GETTING IT AGAIN.
WHOA, CRAB GIRL.
PUT AWAY THOSE PINCHERS.
COME ON.
FOLLOW ME.
WE'RE GOING TO MY ROOM.
I'LL BE BACK FOR THE CLOWN.
ALL RIGHT, MICHELLE, I'M GONNA HAVE TO HAVE ONE OF OUR WORLD FAMOUS TALKS.
NOW I'M NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT, BUT YOUR UNCLE JESSE WAS WRONG TODAY.
I KNOW.
I'M AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE, BUT I LOST MY COOL TODAY AND I ACTED LIKE A BIG JERK.
NO PROBLEM.
WELL, IT IS A PROBLEM.
SEE, MICHELLE, WHEN I WAS A KID, I USED TO GET IN A LOT OF FIGHTS AND LOOKING BACK, I REALIZE THAT I HANDLED THOSE FIGHTS ALL WRONG.
SHOULD'VE LED WITH MY JAB.
NO, JUST KIDDING.
I'M NOT PROUD OF THOSE FIGHTS.
NO PROBLEM.
WELL, WHAT I SHOULD'VE SAID TODAY WAS THAT IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU SHOULD TRY TO SOLVE IT WITH WORDS, LIKE "KNOCK IT OFF" OR THE EVER POPULAR "BUZZ OFF, BUCKO.
" AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, YOU SHOULD TRY TO FIND A PARENT OR TEACHER TO HELP YOU.
BUT ABSOLUTELY NO HITTING OR PINCHING.
CAPEESH? CAPEESH.
NO MORE PINCHING.
JESS, I CALLED MRS.
MANNING AND I STRAIGHTENED EVERYTHING OUT.
MICHELLE, YOU'RE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.
OK, BUT IT'S SATURDAY.
MAKE THAT MONDAY, THEN.
DANNY, I STRAIGHTENED A FEW THINGS OUT WITH MICHELLE.
MICHELLE, TELL YOUR DADDY WHAT YOU LEARNED TODAY.
UNCLE JESSE IS A BIG JERK.
YOU TAUGHT HER THAT? NO I DIDN'T TEACH HER THAT.
WELL, ACTUALLY, YEAH, I DID TEACH HER THAT.
BUT I TAUGHT HER NO PINCHING.
THAT'S WHAT I TAUGHT HER.
DANNY, I'M SORRY.
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
I SHOULD'VE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF BEFORE I TURNED MICHELLE INTO A PRESCHOOL DROPOUT.
THAT'S OK, JESS.
I KNOW YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO PROTECT HER.
I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY I COULD MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE IS.
YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY MAN.
BECAUSE I TOLD THE SCHOOL YOU WERE GONNA BE THE SPECIAL HELPER ALL NEXT WEEK.
ISN'T THAT GOOD NEWS, MICHELLE? THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY.
COME HERE, HONEY.
OH, BOY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE FUN IN PRESCHOOL NEXT WEEK.
YOU'RE GONNA PLAY GUITAR FOR THE KIDS, YOU KNOW, DO A LOT OF ELVIS SONGS, THEN YOU CAN SIT IN ONE OF THOSE LITTLE CHAIRS.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL