Futurama s04e06 Episode Script

Where the Buggalo Roam Yes?|- Hi, Dad! It's me and my coworkers.
Open up, Leo.
|It's Amy and her weirdoes.
Howdy, friends! Welcome to Mars! Thanks for inviting us.
I've never|been to a Mars Day barbecue.
Mars Day better than Earth Day.
|Dump trash anywhere.
- Big, empty planet.
|- Okay! Make yourselves at home.
Don't mind if I already did.
Do you have any more|Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough|to fill the tub halfway.
Quite a large ranch you have.
- That the best hemisphere.
|- It's the same on Earth.
Here is most number|one product.
The mighty Buggalo.
Used for everything.
Meat, milk.
|Their shells make rowboats.
I broke your television! It must take forever to brand them.
Not really.
We own so much, it easier|to brand everything that not ours.
Please don't do that.
Hey! Betsy! This is my sweet Betsy.
I raised her|from a larva that ate my sweater.
We going to eat her at Amy's wedding.
|If she ever get married.
Dad! Gleesh! Don't say that when|you meet my boyfriend.
Oh, that right.
We get to|spend time with this Mr.
Kif.
I hope he's a nice man|who can make grandchildren.
This not a parallel universe|where you get younger.
Remember, the quickest way to|a girl's bed is through her parents.
- Have sex with them, and you're in.
|- I'm nervous about meeting her family.
That's natural.
|You're meek and uninteresting.
You've gotten by|on my leftover charisma.
Scrounging off it,|like a tiny parasite.
I hope they like me.
Why wouldn't they? Yes, I know.
|Tiny, meek, uninteresting.
Spare me your tedious story, Kif.
|And above all, have fun! Get on down! Oh, yeah! Drop another barnyard|bomb on us, Vanilla Corn! Yo, fool! It's Mix-Master Festus.
So, what's Mars Day about? It commemorate the day when|our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong bought Mars from stupid natives.
How can you call them stupid? They sell whole planet for one bead.
|Sound stupid to me.
That is stupid! I can't believe you laugh at|exploiting a proud, bead-loving people.
Lighten up.
It's funny.
Of course.
|But you don't have to laugh! No.
Not on your parents' planet.
Glad to see you've come|back to the country.
It's where the flavor is.
R.
J.
, this is my boyfriend, Kif.
This wimp?|You've gone a long way, baby.
- Cigarette, partner?|- Oh, I don't- - I haven't even lit it yet.
|- Oh.
Is it lit now? Yep.
You're pathetic.
Host man.
Host woman.
|I'm having a wonderful time! You here five hours, already you tear|up couch and fill pool with shrimp! Not bad for a city boy, huh? By the way, I took the liberty|of fertilizing your caviar.
Relax.
|I'm sure my parents will love you.
When I get nervous, I can't control|my camouflage reflex.
Oh, dear.
Oh, goodness.
|Oh, odds and bodkins.
- I'll have a thorax and feelers.
|- You want salad? Yuck! Mom? Dad? You remember Kif.
- I have instant dislike of him.
|- Too scrawny to father grandchildren.
He's not scrawny,|he's just small-boned.
Actually, I don't have bones.
I'm supported|by fluid-filled bladders that- You a big, squishy wuss.
|Amy should date real man.
Like him! I can be manly too.
|I think I'll light up a smoke.
Wrong way.
Smooth.
Look on the bright side.
My parents left after you passed out,|so they didn't see you barf.
Now they'll never think I'm manly|enough to date their daughter.
It's okay, Kif.
I'll go get you a tissue|from your tote.
Hey there, Amy.
|Like you to meet my buddy, Joe.
Sorry I'm late.
My pool game|ran long at the jazz club.
Kids love him.
What's that weird sound? Dust storm! Oh, dust storm!|Everybody into house.
Hurry before we die.
|And wipe your damn feet! Phew.
Everyone okay?|No one considering lawsuit? Mm.
I might have mental anguish.
- I'm friends with every judge here.
|- I'm okay, then.
Storm dying down.
|Check if Buggalo herd is okay.
Oh! - Where are the Buggalo?|- Rustled under cover of storm! - We ruined!|- No! Don't worry, Daddy.
It'll be okay.
Oh, really? Who gonna save us? One-eye? Lobster mooch?|Drunken garbage can? - This sounds like a job for-|- Lt.
Kif Kroker! All right, then.
Those Buggalo were what made|Wong family so rich and powerful.
Oh, Inez, we damn stolen!|We ruined! Okay, I want a divorce.
Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose! They're not your parents.
I'm not your|sister.
And that's not your golf cart.
Aw.
Everybody calm down.
|Kif promised to catch the rustlers.
Mrs.
Wong, could I borrow|a neckerchief? My plan is to take|the remaining Buggalo and lead them|on a tough cattle drive.
When rustlers attack,|I'll make a citizen's arrest.
Sounds dangerous.
|Someone could get killed.
Fry? Leela? Bender?|I want you to go with him.
Oh, man.
Don't worry, Mr.
and Mrs.
Wong.
I'll|get your cattle back, or die trying.
We can't lose! No, it's too risky! You don't have|to do this to prove you're a man.
Oh, yes, he does! Here are your mounts.
She's got a fine coat.
We need Buggalo to lure the rustlers.
|How many are left? Betsy's the only one left.
She was curled up in my|hamper when the storm hit.
Kif:|Ooh.
Oh.
Aw, she likes you.
Saddle up, men! We got some|no-good rustlers to catch! We got a right to pick a little fight|With rustlers Somebody Wants to pick a fight With us|He better bite my ass Yee-ha! Wow! Look at that! Olympus Mons! The|tallest volcano in the solar system.
- Where?|- Right in front of you.
Oh.
Oh! We'll camp at the top.
|The rustlers will spot us.
Where? And even though the computer|was off and unplugged an image stayed on the screen.
|It was the Windows logo! - That's not scary!|- It is if you're a printer! Okay, my turn to tell a ghost story.
|Once, there was this woman driving- - Hook on the hand!|- Okay, I've got one.
This family- Man in the attic! Mr.
Know-it-all-about-something,|finally! Tell a story.
With pleasure.
Once, not far from here,|four people set out on a cattle drive.
Bored robot kills Fry with a hammer!|Sorry, go on.
While they sat helplessly|around the campfire a demented, lunatic,|libertarian zombie snuck up- Surprise! Amy, what are you doing here? - I forgot to give you something.
|- Oh.
What? Is that your camouflage reflex,|or are you just happy to see me? I love it out here, Amy.
|I feel so manly.
I have a blister, I spit, and,|of course, I tell no one my feelings.
- But you still have them?|- Yes.
But I keep them inside until|I can write them in my diary.
- Ah, it's a wonderful night.
|- It sure is.
I could lie beside you,|staring at the sky, all night.
- I can't.
|- Ooh.
- What's that?|- Maybe we just made love.
The Buggalo are in the crater! The rustlers must have|seen me and ran! - Oh, Kif.
You're so brave!|- Sh.
They'll hear us.
Okay, the dynamite's in place.
There's no other way to do it? Only if your parents have|thousands of helicopters.
- Actually-|- Too late! This is more fun! Kif, you did it! How did you know|dynamite would work? I took a seminar in ejecting|chickens from a sand dune.
The principle is essentially|the same.
Hey, it's that "barbecue's over"|sound again! Sandstorm! - We're in the eye of the storm!|- Where? What's that? - Oh, my gosh!|- Who are they? We are the native Martians.
I didn't know Buggalo could fly.
Those who revere Mother Mars|can fly them.
Only they shall have Buggalo.
|They're us.
But your Martian-ness,|these Buggalo aren't yours.
They belong to the Wong family.
You mean family that took all land|and gave us a lousy bead? Uh-huh.
Amy Wong.
And you are? Mad at Wong family! We plan to ruin|them by stealing Buggalo.
But now we take girl instead.
Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped! Amy! No! Don't worry, Kif.
I'm sure some other beautiful|rich girl will fall in love with you.
Hooray! You bring back cattle! Yes.
But I'm afraid|I've got some bad news as well.
Let Amy tell us.
|That way it soften the blow.
Why Amy being so quiet? Well That is Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy! It them.
|They no use good grammar.
- I'll get your daughter back.
|- Forget it, squishy.
You lose her.
You done enough.
This time we get most decorated|lawman in the whole universe! You mean-?|Oh, no, please, I beg you.
For the- I am the man with no name.
|Zapp Brannigan, at your service.
Please, we need you go|get our daughter back! I'll clean up Kif's mess.
I shall go|bargain with the Martians personally.
- Your gasps intrigue me.
|- Martians have no land.
They been encouraged to live|on reservation underground.
No one ever dare go there.
This mission is very dangerous!|Someone's sure to be killed! - Fry? Leela? Bender?|- Damn you, old man! Aw, look.
Betsy followed you, Kif.
I didn't realize you were bringing|your girlfriend, lieutenant.
She won't leave me alone.
Did I say girlfriend?|She sounds more like a wife.
Zapp: Behold! The stone face of Mars!|Hm.
- The only entrance to the reservation.
|- What about the great stone ass? But it's on the other side|of the planet.
Noseward, ho! I am Singing Wind.
|Chief of the Martian tribe.
Take me to your leader.
Moving along.
|Why you trespass on our land? To negotiate Amy Wong's release.
And just to clarify, land is the stuff|that has sky over it.
- They have respect for the planet.
|- Cynthia used to drink Slurm.
We'll give girl|when we get planet surface.
- How do we know she's alive?|- I'm fine.
Sh.
Don't weaken our bargaining power.
|What if you give her up and we carve presidents|in your mountain? You waste words.
We want land|that was taken from us.
Actually, you traded it for a bead.
Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse.
|We want land! My people are people of law.
|And that law is: No backsies.
The time for stupid statements|is over.
Oh, boy.
Oh, oh, oh! My eye! Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch! Oof.
Aiee! Ow.
Amy! No! It's too windy! Kif:|Stay calm, dearest! I'll save you! - Kif! You're flying Betsy!|- Need a lift? Oh! Oh, oh.
Great Mother Mars! He has the gift.
Yeah, Kif!|All right! Kroker, that was one|Brannigan-esque feat of heroism.
We misjudged you, green one.
|You fly the Buggalo like us.
You have reverence for Mother Mars.
- Let there be peace between us.
|- Yes.
Let us smoke-em peace pipe.
Smoke-em? No thanks.
I'm on the peace patch.
You must smoke peace pipe, peacefully.
|Or we'll kill you.
Well, it's just really|that I don't feel- Don't be a chicken.
Teenagers all smoke,|and they seem pretty on the ball.
- Yeah!|- Way to suck it! Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest! Oh, monkey trumpets! You coughed at our offer of peace,|so you must die.
The bead used to crush our dreams|shall be used to crush your bones.
I don't have bones.
I'm supported by a system|of fluid-filled bladders that- Ah! Oh, oh, oh my.
Oh.
That's the bead|you traded your land for? It's a huge diamond!|It must be worth a fortune! Really? Oh, chief, you've made me|the happiest girl in the world! If you want your land,|we could trade back for it.
Hm.
We assumed our ancestors|were cheated because they not have concept|of ownership.
- So we can have the diamond?|- No.
We do have concept of ownership.
You can go.
Sorry about|the rustling and kidnapping.
- And your sacred land?|- Land, schmand! We don't want to live here.
|It's a dump.
We'll buy new planet and act like|it's sacred.
Who's gonna argue? Nobody, that's who! Kif flew Betsy, rescued me,|and made peace with the Martians.
He too much of a wimp.
Yeah.
I'm sure it was all|Mr.
Zapp Brannigan here.
Please, you give me too little credit.
Captain Brannigan, you're always|welcome at Rancho Zoidberg.
Money doesn't make good people!|No, sir! Thanks for saving my life, Kif.
|You're my hero.
Oh, you're kind.
|But your parents still don't like me.
Well, gloviously.
But if they|liked you, then I wouldn't.
Don't you know anything about girls? "Dear diary, I just made love|for the second time.
"