Grounded For Life (2001) s04e06 Episode Script

You guys think you're ready for the SATs? Well, I don't know.
I mean, I really aced the math part of the test, but the verbal What's the problem? I don't know.
I feel it might be a little bit obstreperous.
I don't think you're using that word right.
No, I know, I know.
I just learned it.
Sometimes I can be so bucolic.
[scoffs.]
Come on, Brad.
You'll make it up in the math section.
Who cares, anyway? Lily, "Who cares"? This is the SAT-- The Scholastic Amplitude Test.
[Both.]
Aptitude.
I--I kn--I knew that! I'm--I'm just nervous! Okay? Not sure you're nervous enough.
Well, in a week it'll be over and you can quit obsessing.
Right.
Right.
Okay.
So, how much coffee should we drink before the test? I don't know, Brad.
I want to be wide awake, but I can't ignore the pee risks, so Ohh Chill out, okay? I don't think the SAT is that super-duper important, anyway.
What?! What's the big deal? It's just a test.
Just a test that means everything.
Lily, you'd better study, because I'm tellin' you right now I'm not marrying anybody who gets less that a thousand.
Thanks for the heads-up.
No, I'm serious.
If you can't get into Rutgers, you can't get into me.
[snickers.]
Brad, you are being completely puerile.
"Pure aisle"? Who? Wh-What does that mean? You don't know? Oh, let me look it up.
Hey! Hey, this ain't a library, red.
Aaaahhhh! Aaaahhh! Aaaahhh! Aaahhh! What's all that screamin' up there? I don't know, but I hope they don't wake up Jack.
Oh, God.
Jack's upstairs? Yeah.
He's takin' a nap.
There is some weird guy in my bed.
He's a friend of mine.
What? Yeah! Jack's great! He got a toe bit off in a fight.
Ew! And he's in my bed! What is he doing here? Henry thought-- and I agreed-- that we don't really do enough for the less fortunate.
Jack's a good guy.
He's a little down on his luck, soyou know, what, maybe we have to wash your sheets.
"Maybe"? Yeah, well, at least you have sheets.
Okay? Be thankful.
Uhh! Oh, hey, Jack.
Wow.
Yeah.
II see you found my toothbrush.
Yeah.
It's makin' my gums bleed.
I see.
Here you go.
Consider it a gift.
I don't-- I don't understand.
I mean, how did this itinerant arrive at his state of penury? Excuse me? I'm just tryin' to use the words in context, you know, so I don't forget 'em.
Sean.
Um, I think it's time for our little friend Jack to go.
What's he done now? Well, he was teaching Jimmy how to make wine out of raisins and shoe polish.
What? What? It's a good rainy-day project.
He was in my bed.
There's bum on my duvet.
Ew! See, that's precisely the attitude that created this whole situation.
Did you see that bum? He was really tan.
He must've just got back from vacation.
Yeah, in Bum-uda.
Hey, hey.
Hey, cut it out.
That's not funny.
I bet I know where he eats-- Drunken Donuts.
Hey! Enough.
That man's a human being.
Okay? He's a person, just like us.
So, maybe he's had a few bad breaks in his life.
But we should be grateful we're not sittin' there with him.
He deserves dignity and respect, not stupid jokes.
You got that? Real funny jokes, dumb-ass! Hey! You, too.
Come on.
Let's go.
Well, couldn't we learn to respect him with having to smell him? Okay.
I'm sorry.
I guess my little speech made a bigger impression on Henry than I anticipated.
Does he sleep right on the ground? I'm sure he's got a nice springy piece of cardboard.
Well, what if there's a parade on his street? Lucky him.
So, what does he eat? Well, there are nice people who make sure he has food.
So, why does he dig around in that garbage can? You know what, Henry? You have a lot of good questions.
Why don't we feed him? It's not our job, Henry.
But what if nobody else thinks it's their job? [exhales frustratedly.]
Hey, homeless man! You want some food? And when I'm eatin', you knock me out and steal my organs? No.
It's spaghetti.
It's good.
Well, good for us.
We made a difference, Henry.
Now let's go home.
But wait.
We didn't bring him a fork! He's fine.
Ohh! Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
How'd you like to, uh come back with me and grab some dinner? All right.
But that's as far as it goes, man.
No.
No, man.
I'm-- I'mwell, see, I'm in a tricky situation.
I'm kinda teachin' my kid about charity and compassion, and he's got it in his head that you should come back and join us for dinner, and he won't let it go until you do, so what do you say? What if I got plans? What kind of plans do you have? You tryin' to steal my organs! Look, I'm not interested in your organs.
Ooh! Well, la-dee-da.
All right.
Come on.
Well, that's all fine and boring and all, but why was he sacked out in my room? 'Cause I locked mine.
[sighs.]
[Sean.]
Look Henry's right.
We should do more to help people.
And don't worry about Jack.
He's a drifter.
Any minute now he's gonna drift.
[television plays, indistinct.]
Are you a drummer? Well, I don't know how I'm supposed to study for the S.
A.
T.
s with this goin' on.
[snickers.]
Please.
Come on, Brad.
Let's go upstairs and work on some reading comprehension.
You don't want to study.
You just want to make out with the door shut.
Shut up, Brad.
No, I won't shut up.
Okay? Not when my heart is breaking.
You don't give a damn about the S.
A.
T.
s.
Whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's he talkin' about? You're studying, right? Plenty.
Plenty.
Notover-studying.
Lily, you can't get into a good college unless you do well on this thing.
I know, I know, I know, I know! And if I don't get into a good college, then I won't get a good job and I won't make enough money and I'll have to marry some jerk and we'll have some kids and they'll be poor and they'll do bad on their S.
A.
T.
s and they won't get into a good college, and so on and so on for a hundred years.
Wow, wow.
Your sarcasm has really made me rethink my world view.
I don't care about college.
Okay? College is not for everyone.
Whoa.
What? What? You mean not for you?? Yes.
It's not for me.
Henry, what are you doing? Oh, Jack's gonna teach me how to put the soda cans into the pillowcase and use 'em as a weapon.
[chuckles.]
No, he's not Lily, come here.
Listen to me.
You are going to college.
End of discussion.
Your mother and I have worked-- I thought you said end of discussion.
No.
End of your side of this discussion.
Okay? We worked too damn hard and saved too much for you to go to college.
So if you think even for a moment that you're not going to college, you're out of your freakin' mind! That's the end of this discussion! Whoa.
What was all that about? Whoa.
[chuckles.]
Get your books.
We're gonna cram.
What are you eating? Pizza.
From the box in the bottom of the fridge? Maybe.
That's my pizza.
No, that was our dinner last night.
Which means today it becomes mine.
Look, man, I'm homeless.
Boo-hoo.
Okay.
You want it? Yeah.
Still want it? Why don't you just give me the remote.
You got it.
That--That's how you want to play it, huh? You know what, Lily? Honestly, these practice questions aren't even that tough.
Okay.
Ready? Mm-hmm.
"Leaf is to tea as bean is to" blank.
Burrito.
What? Well, leaves are in tea and beans are in burritos.
No, the answer's "coffee.
" See, coffee is more like tea.
Yeah, but a leaf is wrapped in a teabag, and a bean is wrapped in a burrito.
There's no wrapping in coffee.
Burrito's not one of the answers here.
See? This is why I don't want to go to college! Why do you say that? [sighs.]
Mom, I want to sing.
Okay? And I--I could spend the next four years trying to sing and catch a break, or I could spend it learning about beans.
The way I see it, you give me the money that you were gonna blow on my college education, and I'll use it to get by in the University of Life.
No way.
No.
I'm not gonna stand by and watch while you make this gigantic mistake! Honey, I regret every day that I never went to college.
You do? Yes! Wh Does that surprise you? No! I just never thought of you as the college type.
[chuckles.]
Oh.
And, um, by "college type," do you, by any chance, mean "smart"? You know, who knows what anybody means Ohhh by anything, really? You think you're way smarter than I am, don't you? Well, isn't that what parents want-- for their kids to be smarter than they are? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, right.
Well, if I'm smart enough to read this correctly, the deadline for registration for the S.
A.
T.
is tomorrow.
What do you mean? Oh, I mean I'm takin' that S.
A.
T.
[chuckles.]
I'd recommend you study harder than you've ever studied in your entire life, miss, because if you don't, your stupid mom is gonna kick yourbutt.
Sean, this guy, I'm not a fan.
Yeah, me, neither.
Well, I mean, do you want me to, uh, drop him off at this concrete factory in Weehawken? Send him on a little cruise on my friends' boat in Rockaway? Hey, Jack, listen, it's getting late, so why don't I take you to a homeless shelter or something? You know, you could always come back, but in order to come back, you have to leave, so I'm sorry.
Do you have a question or, uh What'd you bring me here for anyway, huh? So you can brag to your fancy friends about how generous you are? Dad, you said we should treat him with respect and dignity.
I know, Henry, but I-- Dad, it's dark and freezing outside.
Is that dignity? No.
I guess not.
Looks like I get the couch, Uncle Eddie.
What are you doing? Shh.
You're not serious about the whole SAT thing, are you? [ding.]
Ooh, ran out of time before the last three, huh? Okay, you get 25 minutes to complete this section, and our timer only goes to 15.
That's, uh, it's 20% less time.
I knew that.
Ha ha ha! It's 40%.
Here you go, Mrs.
Finnerty.
Thank you, Brad.
Brad, what are you doing? I'm helping your mother with math, and she's helping me with verbal.
But I thought we were study buddies.
I thought so, too, but all you want to do is fool around.
But, Brad-- No, I'm not a piece of meat, Lily.
I'm not gonna be pretty forever.
Fine.
Fine.
You know what? Obviously, she needs more help than I do, because I am gonna ace that test.
Ha ha ha! It doesn't bother me at all.
Ha.
This is my book.
Okay.
Take it.
I think you might need it more than I do.
No, I don't.
Here.
Jack, where are you? Jack! Hey, Jack, where are ya? Hey, Henry.
What's up? I can't find Jack.
He was gonna show me how to cook hot dogs with a cigarette lighter.
Okay, Henry.
Jack, uh, Jackwent away.
What, where, on a trip? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He took a trip.
See, he had this cousin called him up, and this cousin has a farm, and he invited Jack to come and stay, and they have all these green pastures, and Jack and all his buddies can run around and have fun.
Well, uh, what kind of farm is it? Ostrich.
Oh, he will love that.
Mm-hmm.
Hey! How's it going? How was the test? Great, great.
Want to know what I got? You know already? Yeah, as it happens, I do.
I got a zero.
I thought you get 200 just for signing your name.
Not when they shred the test.
What? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Thanks to Mom, it was a fiasco.
What is all that? St.
Christopher medal, my lucky penny, some of your hair.
You cut my hair? I've been collecting it off of your sweaters one strand at a time.
Well, hello.
You must be a senior.
Very cute.
Okay, Mom, you've made your point.
You don't have to go through with this.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? That's it.
You're going down.
Okay, people, let's get the lead out.
Actually, Mr.
Cursi, pencils are made with graphite now.
You got me, Brad.
You got me.
Test booklets ready.
Pencils in hand.
And open your test booklets to Page 1 and begin! [cough.]
[zip.]
And time's up.
Pencils down.
Close your booklets.
What are you doing? He gave the pencils down.
Okay, ladies, pencils down.
I'll stop when she stops.
I stopped.
Yeah, you started again.
Pencils down.
I mean it.
I'm the head proctor here.
I'm not fooling around.
Pencils down.
Come on, people.
Everybody, pencils down, pencils down.
I'm--I'm a proctor! Pencils down! Pencils down! Help! I'm in the cafeteria, and I need backup.
Help! Everyone was disqualified.
That's what I get for taking my mom to the SATs.
Hey, you didn't take me.
I just went.
You're jealous because I'm the smartest one in the family.
Hey-hey! You're saying hey.
I should be saying hey.
Hey, hey, I was on my way to a 1400 easy.
Oh, give me a break.
You wore your eraser down to a nub.
I studied vociferously for months.
And what do I have to show for it? A big corpulent zero.
Calm down.
You'll get your chance to take it again, as will you, young lady.
Oh, I'm taking it again.
Oh, and I'm taking it again right next to you.
And I'm gonna be taking it in Albany.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go defenestrate.
Errh! Errh! Blaah! Aah! Hey, Dad, can we visit Jack at the farm? Jack went to the farm? Yeah, he did, Jimmy.
I know all about that farm.
Great.
Be quiet.
Why doesn't Jack say hi to Ginger and Bingo? I didn't know Bingo went to an ostrich farm.
Sooner or later, we all end up at the ostrich farm, Henry.
Great! Jack's back! Hey, Jack! You son of a bitch! How was the, uh farm? Well, I bet you two never thought you'd see me again, huh? You pieces of dirt.
They tricked me, Henry.
They tricked your Uncle Jack.
I can't believe you people drive all the way to Newark for a frozen yogurt.
Oh, it's only like an hour.
Sean, the car seems a littlewiggy.
Yeah, it's definitely wiggy, I know.
It seems wiggy on the right side.
Jack, do you notice anything wiggy? Doesn't feel wiggy to me.
Could be a flat.
Yeah, definitely.
Definitely a flat.
Hold on.
Well, better get out while I jack up the car.
Huh.
A homeless shelter.
Looks nice, doesn't it? Hit it.
There was no farm! You lied! It was the highest rated men's shelter in the tri-state area.
I spent three hours researching.
They make you wear flip-flops in the shower.
Oh, come on, Henry, Henry, please.
I can't wear flip-flops.
I'm missing a toe.
I got to confess.
We really didn't have a flat tire.
Well, you got four now.
You don't have to go slamming down your glass on the counter.
I set it down.
Watch your tone.
What tone? Don't raise your voice.
I'm not raising my voice! Okay, okay.
You know what? Yes.
I lost it.
I went a little bit overboard during the SAT, but I think we learned something.
You have a really competitive streak if you're motivated like you were this afternoon.
I was a little intense, wasn't I? Yes, but see, that's what's good.
That's what will make you great at college.
So when you talk about blowing it off, it kills me.
Your dad and I worked so hard to save up enough Just try it, please? Just one semester.
One semester? It's all we have saved.
Look, we'll just-- We'll make it work somehow, you know? 'Cause you have to go to college.
You're going to college.
Then you won't have to listen to your daughter call you stupid.
I didn't call you stupid.
Yeah, well, you didn't exactly call me smart.
It's kind of a sore spot for me 'cause I was smart, and I--I am smart.
I could have gone to college.
Well, why don't you, then? Yeah, right, yeah.
That'll happen.
No, really.
What's stopping you? You know what? I--I-- I could take some classes.
I could.
That's not a bad idea.
Yes, you could.
Tons of old people go to the community college.
Okay, "A," I am not old, and "B," watch it.
I'm getting into a better college than you do, especially after I kick your butt on the SATs.
Go for it.
Ha ha.
I'm gonna go to college, and, uh maybe I'll join a sorority, and I won't let you in.
Well, sororities are for losers.
I'll get in.
You want to get some ice cream or something? Get in the car with you? What do you think, I'm crazy? Okay, I know I told you that Jack's a person Just like us, but in truth, he's-- he's a rude guy with a lot of problems.
But you said that-- I know, I know.
I know what I said.
But his problems are big, and we can't solve them here, not in our home.
But I'm proud of you, okay? For wanting to help.
I do.
Well, good.
How about we volunteer at the soup kitchen on Saturday morning? I watch cartoons on Saturday mornings.
Hey, chief, when the redhead goes to college, I call dibs on her room.
Uh-uh, Jack.
No dibs.
It's time for you to go, man.
Aw, man! But hold on a second.
How'd you like to make some money? Not from my organs.
I need my organs.
What possible use would I have with your organs? Well, then, what do you want? The hell you did! Hey, hey.
Hey.
Whoa.
Hey, you mind keeping it down? The hell we will.
We want to keep it down, we'll go to a better bar.
Hey, Jack! What's the trouble, chief? Hey, you boys prefer diet or regular? Why? It's-- Great.
We're gonna go with diet.
Huh? Whoa! Damn right! How many three-digit numbers between 100 and 1,000 have 5 as the 10s digit? Brad.
What? I'm trying to concentrate here.
Hey, knock it off, Brad.
We have a lot of ground to cover.
Sorry.
Okay.
The answer's 90, by the way.
Oh.
Okay.
"If 'n' an odd integer, which of the following is even?" Brad, that's my hair.
Sorry.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA